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i'm here, love.

 

i am so sad for you. i havent been as regular for the past days in my reading, because we've all been enjoying christmas mayhem....but i see you were slammed lately by your husband's hurtful actions, and my heart breaks for you.

 

please know i have been where you are, i understand the shrieking aches and the agony. i know it feels like screws are tightening down on your head and heart....

 

i am praying for you and sending you love.

 

keep singing, if you can. i feel like, for us musicians, its our special place of respite and safety and comfort. worship Him there and He will comfort you.

 

i love you.

 

xoxo

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Thank you all for your posts... singing helps, just wish I had some time to be able to do this.... time for me.... time for me and the kids.

 

Thing is that the consequences were there, yet he made another choice against our family. Again he made a distinct promise last night that he will NEVER do that again... I've heard that before, and before and before and before. How am I supposed to believe that? How am I supposed to keep exposing myself and my kids to this.

 

Worst is that my own brother takes my husband's side and tells me that he can see how hard my husband is trying but that I am giving him a cold shoulder and I completely understand that, but was so angry that it is exactly as I knew it would be, everyone telling me how wonderful he is and how terrible I am... more guilt, but NO ONE who UNDERSTANDS my heart or is even remotely interested in listening to my heart....

 

I just don't want to keep doing this to get hurt and slaughtered over and over again. Then I think again today that perhaps for the sake of my conscious, I should accept being unloved and living a lie for the rest of my life, but how do I protect my kids without going completely crazy and completely losing my faith... O GOD, I can't believe I even said that when I KNOW that He is my source and my light..

 

Last night I uttered a word that is so out of character for me, so wrong of me... (please forgive me God!!), I told my husband that he is allowed F#$%ing himself and I must just look the other way and accept something that is so horribly wrong to me and so extremely painful.....

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26 DEC 2010,

 

A Lovely Christmas at my Brothers house, lots of gifts and a spectacular Christmas dinner that we all put together.

 

Christmas dinner was hard work, but I enjoyed helping my Brother and his girlfriend from Holland to make this great meal.

 

Christmas day was huge frustration and I simply don’t feel like being a help meet al all, Whilst I was wring this message, he came with his brand new camera, the one I bought him for Christmas and he took a photo and uttered the most hurtful, disrespectful, inconsiderate, sarcastic remark supposedly to my brother in front of me… “I am taking photos of how people are having holidays…”. Yes, I have no right, not even to do this… Few minutes later, he came in saying “sorry that I made that sarcastic remark” So much for the L.O.V.E.R.

 

What I was going to write about, before this happened was that Christmas day was hugely frustrating with so many instances of me not being listened to and the list is endless, I am so falling here. Some of the times I can remember includes me asking him to please get the tent ready to be packed…. It took approximately 30 minutes for that to happen. He had so many more important things to do before he could do that one thing for me. Hey, I am simply not good enough and not worth the time of day…. Absolutely nothing has changed here in the last 6, near seven months after he promised that things will change.

 

Then, I had the kids dressed real nice for church and I was drying my hair…, went to him and asked two times making it very clear, the kids can have a sweat each, please take care of our toddler so she does not mess her clean dress. He said that he would do that. Within 2 minutes he left to go to the bathroom leaving her unattended, no surprise. I ran to the rescue and cleaned her hands just in time! I did tell him that it was not helpful that he again did not do something I had asked so nicely.

 

The hurt has been rubbed in over and over again as he keeps treating me as though nothing happened…. Anger is not the word I would use right now!!

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27 December 2010,

 

Time to go to bed... my heart is closed and I am not prepared to open it and be hurt over and over again. Today we went diving and in all honesty, it was so hard because there is a lack of trust and faith in my own husband.

 

All I keep seeing is the visions of him satisfying himself and then putting those same hands on me and saying with those lips that he loves me like I have not been affected by any of this at all. This is madness…. It is a one way street, it is ok for him to do these things that rip my life to pieces, ok for him to through tantrums and leave the room like he just did, but it is not ok for me to want space and not to want to talk. After all, the pity of an apology “I’m sorry love”, meant absolutely nothing! In fact, it made it much worse and I simply do not want to keep doing this to myself. Then I find myself asking what I am supposed to do?

 

The kids were running around in the house making excessive noise in my Brothers house where his gilfriend was sleeping.. Embarassing, because I heard my brother telling them to be a little less loud when I know my husband was sitting right opposite him. The diving course was so tiring and I just wanted 15 minutes rest, then just got up to bath them as there was no point in even trying and I am not prepared to ask anything…

 

Today I overheard him and my brother softly talking and I know this was over us and the worst is that when I expressed one sentence to my brother about me having to teach the kids on my own, he disagreed with me. Some more self doubt…. Just what I needed, some more blame like I do not add enough of that on my own shoulders. Like feeling guilty about writing this journal because I am so scared that I will completely loose my mind if I do not do this…

 

So I am asking myself, if he says that, then maybe it is me after all., but I KNOW this is not true, I am the ONE who has had to live like this…. ME, and God knows how difficult and how shattering it has been.

 

Right now, I am feeling anxious, because I can hear him crying in the other room and it makes me feel just aweful, terrible, like I am a witch, like I am the one responsible again and I can just close my eyes and ask my God my Saviour to save me from these thoughts, to help me be strong. No longer will I be dragged down that pit…. No longer. I have cried thousands of tears and why? Where has it brought me? I can hear him and I don’t want to hea.r… , it is making me weak, making me want to comfort, making me want to go there, to initiate……

 

NO, I WILL NOT!!!! I have to go sleep now……..

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29 December 2010

 

I so wanted to diarise last night, but as I was lying in my bed with the computer ready, he was watching what I was doing and I felt like I could not do this. I have this paralysing feeling whenever he is with me. I have the same feeling when I so want to play with the kids, but he is always there and there is no space for me to just have fun. The emotions are just too much for me to handle.

 

Last night he thanked me for a wonderful day, what a strange thing to say, as no single day has been wonderful for me in a very long time.

 

He also wanted to know what it bothering me or what he had done wrong and I was more like trying to think what he has done right…..? Are we living on the same planet?

 

Lying in bed with him every night, feeling like I am being forced to even share a bed with him after he had done to me what he did and his days continue to be wonderful and the poison caused by his self gratification just spreads in my blood more every day. The more I think about it the more I realise that there is no way I could accept this in my life.

 

The realisation came that I am diarising only the negative things and I asked myself why… the answer is easy, because that is how I feel. To think very hard, he is still trying to bless me in HIS OWN strange ways by the routine of telling me in the morning “Hey sexy” and then maybe in the evening, and it is not like I do even remotely want this.

Edited by marpay
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dear heart, I know that you are in such agony within your soul -- having lived with a superly passive man for 23 years has given me similar horrible anxieties.

One of the hardest things to remember as we wives are walking through this road to restoration, an OHM and nothing less (and that is the goal, right?) is that for now, the husband is still a toddler, age 2-3 yrs, and yet, we wives in our own arrested development are only about 4-5 yrs old. They will initiate badly for awhile, and we will most likely react instead of respond as a helpmeet should, for awhile. It takes effort.

 

THIS is going to sound tough to do -- because it IS tough to do, but if you can go through birthing a baby, surely it can be done... and for example, when he says, "Last night he thanked me for a wonderful day" then you should respond back to him with, "what a strange thing to say, as no single day has been wonderful for me in a very long time. I would like you to review the list of hurts that you have inflicted on me and let's talk about it in two days."

 

Before bedtime, say "Lying in bed with you every night, feeling like I am being forced to even share a bed with you after what you've done to me, with your days continuing to be wonderful without me and the poison caused by your self gratification just spreads in my blood more every day. I could NOT accept this in my life right now and NEED you to go sleep on the couch. Please show me some actions of blessing all day for two days and we will discuss you returning to the bed."

 

Today I overheard him and my brother softly talking and I know this was over us and the worst is that when I expressed one sentence to my brother about me having to teach the kids on my own, he disagreed with me. Some more self doubt…. Just what I needed, some more blame like I do not add enough of that on my own shoulders. Like feeling guilty about writing this journal because I am so scared that I will completely loose my mind if I do not do this…

so, dear heart, for a short "season" stay away from discussing any of this with your brother -- he does not understand -- however, if he will check out the website www.SaveOurChristianMarriage.com he may come to see a small part of why you are hurting. Your h must apologize to all of your family soon for the damage, the selfishness that he has inflicted on you... for now, he has probably only a small morsel and that is because he is still walking in fear. Please pray that he would get the strength from the Lord to DO the right things. he is still a toddler

 

I don't know exactly how old your children are, my six are ages 11-28. You wrote:

We are staying with family and it will kill me to put up an act for two weeks, but right now I just need to survive again and will never embarrass him or our family or do anything that will negatively affect my kids. I am now wondering how does one separate in a way that least affects the children. I do not want him there…. He can help if he wants, and be part of their lives and bless them because he is their dad and their HERO! I will never ever tell them anything bad about their daddy and never put him down.
What I did which has helped tremendously with all except the oldest one was to tell them myself about what I am learning about what GOD's design for marriage is supposed to be. And, I apologized to them for allowing the bad teachings to invade us, that I am learning how to become a helpmeet that I should have been, and that this definitely will be including me responding to their daddy differently than before... good for good, bad for bad, and NOT accepting the passive inactions. They actually help me to be a good helpmeet and will say, "Dad, you are doing it again, this is hurting mom.".... and also are learning what a LOVER apology is -- yes, they are now requiring that type of apology from me should I hurt their feelings (children are RESPONDERS, just like wives)

This has helped me to know that I am NO LONGER living a lie -- and five of my children plus a son-in-law no longer regard me as the problem.

 

I want to strip myself from everything that even reminds me of him, want to take off any piece of jewellery that represents him. He has become my worst enemy, the one that betrays me over and over again. My soul is at stake, my God, my God.. why have You forsaken me? Like Job, I will say that I WILL still serve my Lord, serve Him with everything in me!!!

Some might differ in opinion from what I'm going to tell you, but it certainly helped to keep me sane AND it gave Ward incentive to DO RIGHT. I put my wedding rings in a special jewelry box. He had to pay nothing for them anyways, they are heirlooms... and so, that was what he put into our relationship, nothing. WHEN he begun winning my heart back, I told them that I would gladly put them back on AFTER he had purchased a ring that represented to us that I am the queen of his life... and we found it, he worked overtime, and it was presented to me in front of five of our children, and I now wear all three. Some might say, June was wrong to take off her wedding bands to begin with, but dear heart, it did not matter what they would say (my MIL was a bit irritated about it, so what?) for I had been living a marriage lie and felt Ward had divorced me long ago with his super passivity. Perhaps you feel the same.

 

You and I have reacted differently to the hurts that your husband heaped on you, and therefore you have to forgive yourself for different things, just as I did... and God wants you to do this. If you do not forgive yourself and turn from it, you will not be willing to accept any of his efforts.... and please remember, he is a TODDLER. He needs encouragement to keep trying. You heard him crying -- he was hopefully not even aware that he was that loud -- we teach men to cry out to the Lord and not to whine to their wife... so, please block those cries out of your ears... IF he was crying because of the pain he has inflicted, then that was a godly sorrow... and you want him to be doing that. IF, however, it was crying because he feels bad for himself, that is still toddler-mode and self-pity. He will be reading your thread -- and so, you will need to ask him, "Were your tears for yourself and of the unhappiness that is in our home OR were they because you finally realized the depth of pain you inflicted on me and now you are crying out to God who can change you." Even if he cannot answer at that moment, he will at least know that you are fully aware of the two choices -- and he must make THE DECISION.

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/3604-its-a-decision-and-other-pearls-husbands-need-to-read/

 

I leave you with this encouragement from Psalm 84:

1 How lovely is your dwelling place,

LORD Almighty!

2 My soul yearns, even faints,

for the courts of the LORD;

my heart and my flesh cry out

for the living God.

3 Even the sparrow has found a home,

and the swallow a nest for herself,

where she may have her young—

a place near your altar,

LORD Almighty, my King and my God.

4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house;

they are ever praising you.

5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,

whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.

6 As they pass through the Valley of Baka (tears),

they make it a place of springs;

the autumn rains also cover it with pools.

7 They go from strength to strength,

till each appears before God in Zion.

8 Hear my prayer, LORD God Almighty;

listen to me, God of Jacob.

9 Look on our shield, O God;

look with favor on your anointed one.

10 Better is one day in your courts

than a thousand elsewhere;

I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God

than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield;

the LORD bestows favor and honor;

no good thing does he withhold

from those whose walk is blameless.

12 LORD Almighty,

blessed is the one who trusts in you.

 

Trust in HIM and HE will bring it to pass.

Blessings and prayers,

June of

Edited by Ward & June
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Hi June,

 

Thank you so much for your post and for your time, I honestly want you to know that it means the world to me.... TRULY!!!

 

Fist off, let me start by saying that I am well beyond anxiety, depression, desperation and now utter disgust. I read your post this morning before we went out on our open water dive and I actually nearly convinced myself to try yet again to be his helpmeet. June, for the love of the last breath in me, I simply can't do it and I feel HORRIBLE to say this truth. It is just like diving training when they turn that air supply off, you breathe, but there is no air and that suffocating anxious feeling that overwhelms you till, that is how I feel. The more I try to push myself, the more I loose, the more I get hurt, the more angry I get that I am doing this to see no fruit despite KNOWING that it will take time. It is not the time that kills me, it is the going back to square one constantly and seeing how he feels he is putting in a massive effort and how he is conquering mountains when I feel the exact opposite!!

 

Today, I was so extremely frustrated and by things that I guess others will say are silly little things and I do not WANT to be that person, the one I so hate, but I AM and I AM this around him!! I was so frustrated by him constantly not listening to anything I say, not considering me at all... like at the dive center in the car I asked him to pass me the books so I could complete our diving logs. He then took the bag from me and when I frowned at him, he said "we can complete them in there"... I was so hurt by the confirmation again of the little value my words and desires have. I do not like to look like an idiot that does not do what they have been asked to do and everything in me was screaming to complete it before we went in but it just does not matter. I did tell him how I feel, he apologized and simply continued walking on. I did feel like an idiot inside!!

 

A couple of days ago I asked him to take our card and withdraw money from the bank so we have cash to pay at places not accepting cards. Today I was totally embarrassed when I offered to buy everyone Ice Cream and the supplier did not accept cards, so my brother had to pay.

Just such little things are such a huge display of my value, or rather lack of it!!!

 

In the surf with our gorgeous boy, I asked him to please pay a close eye as I had our girl. He stood a couple of meters away and it is common sense that the ocean can take a child in a split second, I grabbed my son's hand and decided to assist them both and ended up having a great time with them till my boy decided to go to his dad. Our boy has grommits and wears earplugs. When he complained that one was coming out, my husband tried to fix it in the surf with the waves coming, (like, hello???) I got so irritated then when he dropped one of the plugs, managed to just save it and then lost the other. How hard is it to just think a little further, is what I thought.... I also thought that my brother took my son for a swim in the waves too and never lost any plugs. I then realized that the same could have happened to me, but I am this horrible person with these huge expectations and continually so badly disappointed.

 

I know he has been on the site of this ministry, but he has not posted and I am wondering why? I just have no more fight in me, none whatsoever....

 

Finding myself writing the same things over and over and many times I do not even bother because there is so much and it is still the same. Everyone else can see him fighting for me, but I don't see!! I don't feel and I don't think I even care anymore.....

 

Tonight as we watched the sun set, what a spectacular God MOMENT and such a romantic setting. At that very moment he decided to take the kids for a very short walk and I was left standing there.... no asking if I'd like to go with, no thought of staying there with me, just no thought about me at all!!!

 

In the car, I got frustrated as he allowed our toddler to misbehave to such an extent that my brother said "just give her a smack already" and he lost his temper with her, spoke to her so rudely and then bumped her whilst he got in the car out of his own frustration. She was so upset and so was I, when I opened my mouth, it was obviously with passion because he left her crying after he bumped some part of his body into hers. He yelled at me " I never touched her...." I just looked the other way and said nothing.

 

Now I was working and went to collect the battery for my laptop and he has time to listen to music, but no time to post and get HELP!!!

 

This is not like hell.... this IS HELL!!!!

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June, sorry, what I wanted to do is respond to your post and am not sure I did, so let me try again.

 

One of the hardest things to remember as we wives are walking through this road to restoration, an OHM and nothing less (and that is the goal, right?) is that for now, the husband is still a toddler, age 2-3 yrs, and yet, we wives in our own arrested development are only about 4-5 yrs old. They will initiate badly for awhile, and we will most likely react instead of respond

 

With the knowledge that He is in me and He is greater than ANYTHING and I DO believe this, I just have no strength whatsoever to do this, don't even want to say a word to him. I am so so so terribly hurt, it is killing me to just write about it. Birthing a baby is no single patch to the paid I feel.... give me 10 babies to birth, I'd do that with a smile!!

 

I know I "SHOULD HAVE" responded and "SHOULD HAVE" done the absolutely sound things that you advise, I JUST CAN"T. I feel completely arrested, bound and destroyed by his continuous inflictions and his utter ignorance. Today, I did try and for a few seconds I was doing ok, but then the roadblock and I shut down again and again and again..... Just can't face him, want to understand how he could see the pain I endured and suffered and how he made a promise and then so easily just BROKE it, that is NOT LOVE!!! SO, many other questions and I am so afraid of the answers.

 

Why does my heart still tell me that he is lying to me and hiding things from me?

 

Before bedtime, say "Lying in bed with you every night, feeling like I am being forced to even share a bed with you after what you've done to me, with your days continuing to be wonderful without me and the poison caused by your self gratification just spreads in my blood more every day. I could NOT accept this in my life right now and NEED you to go sleep on the couch. Please show me some actions of blessing all day for two days and we will discuss you returning to the bed."

 

We are at my brother's house and I can't do this so I am trapped, and he is glad about it....

 

so, dear heart, for a short "season" stay away from discussing any of this with your brother -- he does not understand -- however, if he will check out the website www.SaveOurChristianMarriage.com he may come to see a small part of why you are hurting. Your h must apologize to all of your family soon for the damage, the selfishness that he has inflicted on you
...

 

Have been trying this, but my husband is doing the odd kiss here and there and making me tea etc, things that are obvious in front of my brother and his girlfriend and I look like the witch from who knows where when I am not responding because of the pain he has inflicted and not apologized for (LOVER)..... (maybe it is me, I am not responsive and not accepting, this is what my brother seems to believe anyway and it hurts like mad, to such an extent that I have decided, in the back of my mind, that I will now be avoiding friends and family if this is what I have to face)

 

Not sure he would ever apologize to my family when it is such a tremendous effort to apologize to me.

 

 

I don't know exactly how old your children are

 

they are two and four. (turning Three and Five in April)

 

 

"Dad, you are doing it again, this is hurting mom."..

Perhaps mine are too yong to understand. My toddler asks things like "Mum, why are you talking to Dad like that" in an upset tone. Today I told my son to stop pulling me and to stay with mum and dad, he left me with one enormous attitude, went straight to his dad and did the exact same and it was OK... I am so tired of being the bad guy and seeing my kids pushing me away because of his lack of parenting and the worst ever is knowing that I would much more prefer to bring them up on my own than to see this happen..... There is NO power like the power my kids have, NOTHING that hurts more than them being mistreated in any way, shape or form.

 

Some might say, June was wrong to take off her wedding bands to begin with, but dear heart, it did not matter what they would say (my MIL was a bit irritated about it, so what?) for I had been living a marriage lie and felt Ward had divorced me long ago with his super passivity. Perhaps you feel the same.

 

Oh, how I feel the very exact same way.... he divorced me before we even got married, he committed adultery over so many years with so many women with the pornography and self gratification and I still see those images.... how I thought I was giving him everything he ever desired and how a piece of paper and his disgusting hand could be more precious than me and our children!!!!!!!!!!HOW????? As was said so many times before, forgiving is so easy to do, but how to expose myself a THIRD TIME, that would be STUPIDLY crazy!!!! Sorry, June darling, absolutely no offense, please hear my heart.

 

You and I have reacted differently to the hurts that your husband heaped on you, and therefore you have to forgive yourself for different things, just as I did... and God wants you to do this. If you do not forgive yourself and turn from it, you will not be willing to accept any of his efforts.... and please remember, he is a TODDLER. He needs encouragement to keep trying.

 

I do understand and know, I feel completely paralyzed and powerless to push myself to this place again. I have no idea why he was truly crying, but I can confirm that I thought it was out of self pity.

 

Thank you for the psalm.... thank you for all of you and please accept my apology for dumping here....

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dear heart,

I totally understand -- the wives on this forum HAVE (some are still in it) been in the horrible place hurting so badly/deeply that they can't really breathe well, can't think straight, can't believe a man who made such wonderful promises has become an instrument of satan to harm them...

 

satan is the one who is beaming -- he's having his way, he's hurting the woman, he's damaging Christian marriage and families, trying to win out over JESUS --

 

Let us join in together to NOT LET HIM DO THIS --

 

"satan, you have NO dominion in this family - none, not even when D is being clueless and passive, not even when M is in despair -- the precious Blood of Jesus is covering this home, for He is the one who designed marriage, God is the one who knows best how it works together, and we are trusting in His Word. By the power of God's name, we bind satan's stronghold and ask now that anything hidden in darkness would be brought to the light -- for when the truth is revealed, there is a way to know how to deal with it... where there is truth, there is hope, and it is this hope that will set M & D FREE, free indeed. Lord, we thank you for giving to us all that you could give -- THANK YOU!

Please send your ministering angels to M to watch over her and the little ones, as well as to gain the needed attention of D -

Help us to praise you always, help us to have the faith needed to get "through the storm"

in Jesus' name,

 

"Lifesong" (by Casting Crowns)

other songs are linked on the right side of the page, so listen to them as well for some encouragement.

 

Blessings,

June of

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Hi June, thanks again for your posts!!

 

Happy new year to you all, it is now 11:46 when I start posting this on 31 Dec 2010. That is the time where we live, but at my brothers house it is already 1:30am on new years day.

 

It was great fun with the kids today and the day was ok, not too frustrating. There were the times that I was so hurt again and posting them would probably help me some, as it always does.

 

We wend out with my brother and some friends to celebrate the new year in together. My boy wanted to have swim this evening in the ocean and I took him, boy did we have the best fun ever. Just before that, my brother took the prawns they had pre-prepared to cook on the gas burner. Since I am very highly allergic to shell fish, I asked if he was going to cook the other meat on the same fryer. He so hurt my feelings by "TELLING" me that he was going to rinse it in water and if I am that "FUSSY" then they can use the separate dish for the burner. That was so hurtful and I stated that it had nothing to o with being fussy, but all to do with staying alive and that my husband knows this very well. My brother then told me that he asked my husband if they should take the dish washing liquid to clean the fryer to do the meat and that my husband said it would not be needed. So, I decided to NOT enter into an argument, but was badly hurt.

 

Later when I got back, after cleaning my son and dressing him, then gave both the kids some food to eat. My son wanted me to help feed him and so I did. My husband had his food and came over to sit down. He watched me help my son and I started telling him how hurt I was, half way into the conversation, my brother came to have a quick play with my son and then left again. My husband then told me to have something to eat. The conversation never continued and it seemed like he was uninterested in my hurts anyway. I told him that I can not go get something to eat as my son asked me to help him and he had about two bites left. Hubby said he will take over and he gave my son the two bytes and took off, leaving me alone with my toddler, so I could not leave to get food. A couple of minutes later he came over and said that he is taking my son to go buy some toys at the shop and I told him ok, that is nice, but I have not had food yet. He then stayed with my toddler so I could get food. These signs of no consideration cuts very deep and the apologies are always "sorry, love"...

 

I repeat my words that I so often type and say... "sorry just does not cut it, stop doing it" and "sorry for what?"

 

Last night I sent him an email:

 

Good Night....

 

 

Perhaps you should consider posing and reading like you promised and not just ignoring the ministry. It was clear what was expected and you have violated every single promise you made.... Every single one.

 

I am posting, not working. Just finished my work with heaps more to do, but I find the time to post!!

 

Sleep well...

 

All I know is that I do not want to live like this and am not prepared to... he keeps acting like everything is completely normal and ok. He touches me like he owns me, does he not realize what he has done? Does he not care?

 

Time to go to bed, exhausted!!!!

 

Have a good new year my friends, my God bless you all and your families as well as this ministry. May He continue His good work in you all and may He reveal His secrets to you.

 

All Glory and Honor and Power be to our father God and our Lord Jesus Christ as He is Mighty and I love and adore my Lord with you all!!!

 

Love to you all!!!

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we are trying to reach him -- but, if your husband has chosen to stall -- if he is not going to get tested for ADD -- if he's going to continue in this spiral of abusing you emotionally, and it seems to me that he is purposely punishing you / grudge-holding -- then, I believe God does not want you to continue to subject yourself to this abuse --

 

go play with your little ones for the day and get some refreshment away from D

 

 

then, please read from this forum:

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/390-dont-develop-bitterness-by-joel-kathy/

 

 

May you have a wondrous NEW year, a new marriage, a new life,

in Him,

June of

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Hi June,

 

Thank you!! Will have a wonderful day, but traveling most of it as we are on our way on a camping trip with my brother for the next three days.

 

I will try to tell my husband to post and I can tell you now that there will be excuses, the fact that he does not have a computer, etc, etc and I will tell him today that he is welcome to use my computer and I am prepared to allow him the space to use it on his own despite the fact that I may need to get some work done. He does have his iphone with him, the same one he uses to listen to music all the time and the same one he used for other things that I prefer not to bring up.

 

At the same time, I need to do the best I can not to stress about it or allow it to further pull me down.

 

I do hope that you have an awesome new year with your family!!!

 

Love you all dearly!!

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Thanks Heartsong, what a lovely message. You are such a darling friend!!!

 

You have a great time and me and Dad will be talking about you lots in these days and I will be asking Him to bless you abundantly!!! Will be singing with the kids as much as I can and thinking of you all!!

 

Have an awesome New Year!!!

 

Blessings and lots of lovesongs... :wub:

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Just read my Husbands post and yelled at my kids shortly after, realizing then that I was that affected by his post. There must be something seriously wrong with me to still be affected to such an extent by what he says and does.

 

He posts that he can't do anything wrong, well it is probably because he hardly ever does! I do respond, respond to the fact that he NEVER apologizes. I respond when I am not even supposed to at all because there was no LOVER apology. My respond has been a simple "thank you" all the time just like he has had a simple "sorry love".

 

Need to calm down, so worked up again just as I was getting a little relaxed. Will be fine, just have to be and have to make sure the kids have a fantastic time!

 

Hope you all have a truly blessed time with your families this holiday!!!

 

Love

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Thanks Heartsong, what a lovely message. You are such a darling friend!!!

 

You have a great time and me and Dad will be talking about you lots in these days and I will be asking Him to bless you abundantly!!! Will be singing with the kids as much as I can and thinking of you all!!

 

Have an awesome New Year!!!

 

Blessings and lots of lovesongs... :wub:

 

This was me posting.... Marpay.... only realized that I posted under my husband's name after I gave him my computer to post.... just so you know!!!

 

:blink:

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There must be something seriously wrong with me to still be affected to such an extent by what he says and does.

 

OK, one more time . . . there is nothing wrong with you! We are hardwired to have a desire for our husbands, and even when they are being total jerks, they touch our heart because that's how God designed it.

 

It can thoroughly tick you off sometimes, though, can't it? :huh: I remember being so totally MAD when my ex could still make me cry. But that very tie that so irritates us is what is supposed to make us one with our husbands when he is loving us like he should.

 

So quit thinking there's something wrong with you and go have some FUN! :D

 

Happy New Year!

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Just read my Husbands post and yelled at my kids shortly after, realizing then that I was that affected by his post. There must be something seriously wrong with me to still be affected to such an extent by what he says and does.

 

He posts that he can't do anything wrong, well it is probably because he hardly ever does! I do respond, respond to the fact that he NEVER apologizes. I respond when I am not even supposed to at all because there was no LOVER apology. My respond has been a simple "thank you" all the time just like he has had a simple "sorry love".

 

Need to calm down, so worked up again just as I was getting a little relaxed. Will be fine, just have to be and have to make sure the kids have a fantastic time!

 

Hope you all have a truly blessed time with your families this holiday!!!

 

Love

 

dear heart,

I do hope your weekend went better than all of the other weekends have in recent months.

Please provide an update as to your business and if/when you will be returning home to your children permanently.

And also, wanted to mention that it might do you well to ask God to reveal what is hidden in darkness. When God reveals, He wants to heal. It seems that because things are going ever-so-slowly with your husband's lack of caring for you, that there may be something that needs to be exposed, brought to the light.

In the meantime, it is very important that for your sake and that of your children, that you keep yourself devoted to the Lord (for righteousness' sake) and to the overseeing of your little ones.

prayerfully,

June of

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Hi June,

 

Tell you the truth, the weekend was very similar to all others in recent months, but more about this in a while.

 

Please provide an update as to your business and if/when you will be returning home to your children permanently.

 

This is still unsure at the moment, but I must say that I had a wonderful time being with my children in the past three weeks. I continue to do everything I can to spend more time at home and it has improved drastically allowing me to at least spend entire weeks at home where this was not the case before. I continue to put as much pressure as I can to spend more time at home. Next week Monday I fly out and return home on Friday with the following week at home.

 

And also, wanted to mention that it might do you well to ask God to reveal what is hidden in darkness.

 

I have asked many times today and the answer is a clear "NOTHING ELSE", so I am confused myself and explained this to D. He has also promised no more porn and promised to never masturbate again an he is very sure that it would be easy for him to do. What is very confusing is why this was so hard to do after what we had been through....

 

In the meantime, it is very important that for your sake and that of your children, that you keep yourself devoted to the Lord (for righteousness' sake) and to the overseeing of your little ones.

prayerfully,

 

Thank you June, I completely understand why you say this and it is my desire to remain close to the Fathers heart and His voice.... absolutely!

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Ok, the update....

 

 

First, let me start by confirming that I am so doubting myself again and asked so many questions to myself on the way back this afternoon. Thoughts in my mind.... "must be me", so I would be completely open to accept your thoughts on the events as I outline them below. Please forgive me if it might be another novel, doing my best to express my heart...

 

Moments prior to our departure, my husband posted on the forum that he feels he is not getting anywhere and that he is doing "NOTHING" right. Ok, I thought about this heaps and also read the link posted by June

about bitterness.

 

I have read this in the first stages of signing up on this forum and have to admit that then I thought that a huge amount that is posted here clearly applies to me. When I read it again today in the car, the following sections clearly stood out to me and I am still unsure as to where I stand (Knowing if I am classed bitter or not?). It is like the foundations have been pulled right from under me and I do no longer even understand myself or my own emotions and therefore understand the advice to remain close to the Lord. So a quote from the sections that stood out:

 

He is beginning to understand where he has really blown it.

 

Does this mean anything to his wife?

 

No. All of his apologies mean absolutely NOTHING.

 

She doesn't believe that it is even possible.

 

She doesn't want to believe that maybe, just maybe this could be for real.

 

She has given that "one more chance" many chances ago, and she is DONE~

 

Can he change enough and maintain the change?

 

Sometimes, after she crashes, the man who so violently defrauded her emotionally, mentally and spiritually SUDDENLY wakes up.

 

He has been in violation of his marriage vows for years.

 

He has ACTED like he wanted out of the marriage.

 

Has she spoke directly to him about her heart felt needs... and he has rejected her heart-cry repeatedly?

 

Does he ignore her genuine efforts at asking him to change his attitudes and actions?

 

If she has done all of this, and he is still a manipulative, controlling, and abusive husband. Or if he is simply a retreating, non-responsive husband to her needs � who continually ignores her pleas, informing her that she is losing her sanity, then she must act before she becomes embittered.

 

Despite the initial honest attempts to be a helpmeet to D and then the rug being pulled out from under me, he is of opinion that, and said these exact words int he car on the way back, I "HATE" him and am so angry at him that nothing he does helps. It was very clear that in his mind he had given up again. He told me how he could not sleep last night because of our situation and when I asked why, the reply was NOT because he was crying out to God.

 

I was so angry that he posted this and told him that, then in the car today he said the same thing. My response today was that I do not understand how he could expect me to respond warmly after he did what he did, then never apologized properly and heaps more and more abusive acts on me with no apologies and then the odd show of affection or making me a cup of tea and he expects me to respond? How could any human expect anyone else to respond warmly to this string, or rather vicious circle. The anger was so bad that I yet again uttered a swear word, that I would never do before, and he was offended and took me on because I said this. So an initial argument with me trying to explain why I get so extremely frustrated that he does not "GET" my frustrations and the reason for being angry.

 

The anger got worse as he continued the conversation saying things like "that is in the past", "I never bring up the past", "you need to get over it", "I did say that I was sorry", "I did not mean to".... all these very familiar and very hurtful phrases and all I could say was "I wish I had a book to write down all the stuff that comes out of your mouth"

 

Ok, I got off track.... anyway so that was how the weekend started and finished. The in between bits:

 

On the way there in the car I asked him very nicely and asked twice that he please tell me when he is tired so I can take over as it is a hire car and our kids lives are at stake. He confirmed that he would do so. He fell asleep about three times that I had to wake him and the one time I reminded him of what he promised, he simply confirmed that he did promise this, no sorry, no validation, no repentance!

 

The entire weekend was filled with frustrations and hurts around the lack of disciplining the children and here I mean just simply standing in when he hears my frustration with the kids. There were numerous times that my brother stood in, how embarrassing. I told him that I am trying to allow him space to do the right thing by me and the kids here, but he is so wrapped up in his own little world that he does nothing and I reach break point, then, not treating the kids well. This is not fair on me or the kids.

 

Countless moments of him not listening to me, completely ignoring me and then using the usual defense line " I really did not hear" when I know that in most of these cases he was actually looking at me when I spoke to him. One occasion I asked him twice for a drink of water as I was busy cutting the potatoes up for Chips and was so very thirsty at that moment, a real small thing to ask. He even confused me now into wondering if I actually really did hear him tell me he will do it shortly or not? I'm pretty sure he did and then he got distracted and walked off....

 

Other moments of directly asking him to please do "X" and he does "Y", and my brother has been very quick to come up for him saying that he was being so helpful as "Y" needed to be done. Some occasions this weekend that he argues about doing something, as he has the habit of doing, me then saying then please ask my brother if what I just told you is what should be done, my brother confirms and D has nothing to say and on another occasion still decided to do his own thing. Stupid and silly small things like taking a towel to the beach (the one he used and put out to dry), guess who ended up being the one without a towel..... me!!

 

There is this constant feeling that what I "NEED" is not important, no, that I am NOT important as he always decides to do what he wants to do anyway.

 

Last night when I was doing the potato chips, my son wanted to go to the toilet. There are wild dogs and when we left from here I made it clear to everyone that the kids are not to be unattended at ALL for the ENTIRE time that we are there. So, whilst I was busy, I yelled to him to please take my son as I did not want to leave them unattended and my daughter decided to go with. It was ok, I was relaxed as I knew that they were with their Dad. About 10min later, a stranger came over to bring me my kids. When my husband came, I was upset and asked him where the kids were, in the end he admitted to letting them walk in complete darkness to our camp area as it is only about 50 meters from where they were. They obviously got lost in those 50 meters and he did not understand why I was upset and actually walked out on me.

 

The next day, today, we went to the store to get ice cream (my idea), and as always I make sure that I help the kids first. Once they had selected theirs, everyone else had also done so except for me. We were paying, so my husband was already at the counter paying for all, as I looked up from the fridge where I was looking for one for myself, my eyes connected with his as he took out the money to pay. Ok, I was really hurt, being completely forgotten again. Yes, typing this seems so immature, but I was honestly hurt and memories flashed back of all the times that I have not been a thought on his mind. I walked away from the freezer and he then told me out loud in front of everyone to take an ice cream. I did not want to create a scene and said to leave it, "It's OK". He then continued telling me to go get an ice cream and as I was then helping the kids to open and start eating theirs, he walked up to me and said in a loud enough voice "GROW UP". I took the kids one side to eat, but could not stop the tears and the pain. The kids never noticed and that is a good thing... I thought that the only reason he was continually asking me to go get an ice cream was so that HE could feel better and not to bless me.

 

So for a couple of hours he said nothing till he finally uttered an apology at a park and for the first time used some feeling words. This is where I was supposed to respond I guess, but I did not. The apology seemed genuine. About 4 hours after this we went to a store to get some snacks and again he took the crisps that he wanted for "ME" without even asking or considering me. I said nothing, just sat in the car wondering if he realizes the effect this has on the previous seemingly genuine apology?

 

He still does not do any of the three things that he was asked to do from this forum. Tonight when I offered my laptop he said that he will post in the morning. I don't know where to turn or what to do. With his mouth he proclaims to love me and to want to change. He proclaims to have changed, to be willing to do whatever he can, but the deeds do not confirm this.

 

In the car today I again blamed myself and thought that it must be "ME", it "MUST" because my brother sees him trying, this forum has expressed that he is trying and seems genuine and so many times I actually find myself believing it. This weekend about twice, I felt like I actually enjoyed his touch in stead of curling at the though of his touch, then he does these things that kind of completely crush me and wipe all those little specs of hope. There continues to be the urge in me to carry on and to try again and again, I feel trapped, like I'm sinning to even be thinking for a moment that I am not able to do this anymore, that I am not able to live with him anymore. Does God really know my pain, does He really see how I just want to please Him to do the RIGHT thing? Are my eyes so closed that I do not SEE the real efforts and the real love from my husband? Could it really be and then I say.... OK GOD.... I WILL... I WILL stay... I WILL TRY MORE and HARDER... I WILL, I WILL, I TRUST, I HOPE, I LOVE MY GOD!!!!!!! And then, everything in me shatters at the thought of being treated this way any longer, of being promised the world but the world be taken from me.

 

I keep asking, MY DEAR SWEET GOD, please forgive me for asking "What have I done, to deserve this"

 

Here I am posting, crying, crushed again.

 

He also told me that I do not speak to him, I responded by saying "What is wrong with you? You can speak to me, why do you not speak to me?" Hey, I respond every time, I was made this way and he knows that I would have to be completely dead not to respond at all... he chooses not to let me in, not to talk to "ME"!

 

I keep feeling sorry for him, like there is part of me that actually believes that just maybe, he is going to change this time, just maybe... and then another part is hurt so badly screaming out to not let the vicious circle continue.

 

He then also said that he will now apologize every night for all the hurt he caused, and I responded by saying that I do not want him to do routine things. It is the same as making breakfast and tea for me that is now a routine, why does everything seem so unreal and insincere to me.

 

Ok, enough for now..... exhausted, physically and emotionally.

 

Hey, he is trying and I can see and have told him so, he is an awesome man, a wonderful dad, the most patient man in the world and I KNOW that I Do love him and can say that I have forgiven and forgive again. BUT, I am the furthest thing on his mind..... the very last thought, a thorn in his side. I know he loves me, but doubt so much if it is just because he wants me and the kids back.... I don't know anymore, I just don't. Nothing adds up in this accounting brain....

 

Why can I not stop... ok, bed time. 12:33pm..... and I have left out so much more!!!

 

Sorry for the very long one!!!!!!!

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When I got up this morning, I felt terrible about the post that I did last night, should not, but do. Not sure why, but every time after posting my cropped up emotions and spending hours crying, it feels so much better and I feel like a complete fool and idiot for reacting the way I did.... :blink:

 

Today has been great because I got up feeling so much better about getting everything off my chest last night even though it was not to my husband. I then had a wonderful couple of hours playing with my kids in the park whilst hubby took my brother to the airport and now he took the kids for a play whilst I catch up on lost work again. So, the day has been ok. Have not seen or spoken to him much, he has not said anything and I am anxious about him reading my post of last night.

 

After my post, I thought again for hours and during the day today as well. Perhaps I am too hard on him, perhaps I am too difficult. There is one thing that I do know and that is that there is no desire in me whatsoever to lower my expectations or standards. They have been there from the beginning.

 

So my question is, if bitterness has settled in, what then? Can it be changed? I just wish I could change my mind to have HOPE again, to believe that there is a possibility that he could really change, but he has not been able to show me this and I am not sure how to get rid of these negative emotions I have around him, the hurt, the disgust and everything else that comes with it. Believe me, I have TRIED sooooooooooooo HARD and I am soooooooooooo disappointed in myself ALL the time. It is like a complete mental block, HOW? My head wants to, but my heart is closed again and how do I do this when I feel that I do not even know if I want to.

 

Is he really trying hard enough? Is he going to do it all again because I CAN'T face it. How do I believe anything he says, how do I trust him?

 

I know him for so long, and there is serious doubt that the nature of him will change for the sake of just being a better person. He needs help and I am just not the right one to give that now, the pressure is way too much for me and I love him so dearly and want to help him and want him to be that man that I KNOW he CAN BE!! At the same time, something in me screams to run and hide whenever I am with him, I just can't be myself, can't fight hard enough to allow him in no matter how very hard I try. I am SOOOOOOOOO SCARED, sooooo SCARED...... don't know what to do or where to turn.......

 

Scared of my own emotions and the thought of being with him as well as being without him, but I KNOW that being without him for just a couple of hours per day feels like the weight of this world is lifted from my shoulders. Then I also know that the support he now gives in taking care of the kids when I work is so very much appreciated and so needed..... OOOOHHHHH GOD, please please help me..... I am falling to pieces.

 

Promises made and broken again and again, my heart can't and I am so scared to make the wrong choices, just so scared and I KNOW GOD did not plan these things for me and He certainly does not want me to remain in this despair. I have prayed so hard for answers, but am still so confused because it is killing me, I don't want to do the wrong thing, I don't want the life I have now... I NEVER want to disappoint my God, EVER... there is just no where to go, no clear answer.

 

The post started out great and then...... the emotions...... am I going crazy? AM I????

 

Sorry everyone, so sorry.... just wanted to tell you that it has been an actually good day so far.... back to work!!

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Today my little toddler bumped her nose and it started bleeding, I was so worried. This after I told them not to play around an area where I thought they could get hurt. She slipped and fell to the ground, bumping her nose on the way down. I realized that there has been times in the past couple of years that I may have overreacted towards my husband in situations like these. If this happened whilst he was taking care of them, I would have blamed him, because for so many years he has not looked after their safety even when I clearly asked, like the dingo incident described in my earlier posts. This is why I respond/react the way I do. It does not make it right and I should apologize to him for this.

 

.... guess I have been difficult.....

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