troubled wife

[duartegouveia]

it has been a chalenging few days since M arrived home. I have been doing my best in remembering to put her needs first.......there have been several times that I stumbled and have had to appologise. She has been sooooo helpful in letting me know where I have gone wrong....and occasionaly has aslo had to remind me where an apology was needed!!

 

I haven't been doing what she requested by being on the calls every day and talking on some.......I have tried my best to be on when possible. I am currently short staffed, and am having to fill in the gaps....only once i'm fully staffed will I be able to be on continiously.......she has requested that i talk and ask for help!! I know that I am still getting things wrong...Its not something that the helpers can do for me...I HAVE to change the way I THINK myself.....I know where I'm going wrong......It is me who has to tackle my old self!!!! I am the one who needs to:

 

stop explaining, excusing, and talking over her,need to disiplining the children, pay attention, listen, treat the kids with love, treat my wife with love, support her needs...........

 

I will be doing my best to accomplish the goals.

I have always been helping around the home and showing her 20/20/20/20......been rubbing her back, hair etc....and just trying to be careing through this difficult time........and she sooooooo needs everyones support!!!! any encouragment would be sooooooo much appreciated from all you wonderful helpers!!!!!

 

again I say I will be doing my best......and can only grow from my mistakes.

my you all be blessed abundantly!!!!

[J_W]

this is where the re-learning happens --

give us an example of where you messed up -- what was said/done -- and then will give you a scenario of WHAT should have happened to bring healing. (we have done this with many other husbands and it IS helpful to them as they get "stuck" in overthinking on the one hand, and thinking more highly of themself than they ought to think on the other)

 

re: your work schedule -- all I can say is "suck it up" and get on the conference calls....

 

"die to yourSELF" -- lay down your life for your bride (Eph 5)

 

Looking forward to hear about your marriage transforming -- step by step

 

prayerfully,

June of

[J_W]

please be sure to read previous post first:

The one singular charecteristic that makes you MASCULINE!

 

Posted by (Kimberly) Pure in Heart to "Shock" (Heartsong is Shock's wife)

 

Shock,

 

The traumas that happened to you are horrid and unspeakable. We get your pain. Yet, to forfeit the answer would be a worse fate. God knows everything that has happened and He is still with you trying to show you the way out of your captivity. When you become like Jesus in your PRESENT........the past will disappear. It will lose its grip and hold upon your soul. I promise you it will because God has said it and He can not lie. When you love and love being simply defined as.........meeting heartsong's NEEDS in the present, she also is healed because being loved in the here and now has the power to erase the pain and sting of the wounds of the past.

 

In God's great and wondrous wisdom He has chosen that you would become a LOVER, become healed and complete and whole by LOVING Heartsong. What you behold, what you put your hand to do that is eventually WHO you will be. Whatever you practice, practice, practice so you will BE. As a man thinks, so IS he. God changes your mind by giving you a wife to think about. When you think about her you will no longer be held by self introspection. When you feel the reward and approval of your Heavenly Father telling you, "Well done'....you will want to please Him again and again.

 

You are complicatng the matters of the heart too much. It is meant to be the natural outcome of giving. GIVING (Initiating) is the ONE, SINGLE characteristic that makes you MASCULINE. To start something, to begin something, to author your own romance with hearsong IS being Christ-like. Nothing else besides loving her is the answer for you to be set free from SELF. It is the ONLY answer you need to believe, embrace and from now on walk out.

 

We as humans want to complicate issues because we somehow think it makes us look wiser and better than others. God wants us to only trust and obey. Trust that He chose you and created you to love heartsong. That IS His heart and intention. Obey God in laying down your ideas of masculinity or what being good means. Loving heartsong is being a MAN of God and it is being a GOOD man.

 

Obey Him and walk in the role He made and created you to walk in. To BE a husband who loves sacrificially, who seeks to find her heart and every little treasure in it. How? LISTEN to her. She is already telling you everything she needs from you. FROM YOU......no one else can fill that place in her heart but her husband. You are the ONE God has chosen to deliver Christ's love THROUGH.

 

Reflect back to her what she is saying to you so that you will not miss one word of heart. It is NOT hard shock. Once you have listened then DO what she has asked you to do or not do. ANSWER her. You CAN be that person.

 

I know that it sounds so simple. It seems unbelievable that this could even change you and transform you yet, it does because God has spoken that it is LOVE that will never fail.

 

It is not growing up with the wrong ideas and thinking about life that has the power to hold you back

It is not your life's experiences that have the power to keep you stuck

It is not what others deprive you of or do to you that determines who you are

 

Yes, these events have shaped you, taught you unGodly thought patterns, and molded your behavior but these CAN NOT outdo the power of walking as a Christ-like man in a marriage. There is nothing more powerful on the face of the Earth than LOVE. Everything is summed up in this. All answers for your life lead back to this ONE thing....LOVE.

 

Why?.......Because GOD IS LOVE.

 

Kimberly

[J_W]

WOW! a great listen:

Audio: Respecting Your Wife

1/20/2011 5:08:00 PM

A7 Radio's "Lazer Beams" with Lazer Brody

http://www.israelnationalnews.com/Radio/News.aspx/2831

[PlansForHope]

Duarte;

Wanted to share this post that Kimberly wrote to another passive man; hope this will encourage you to finally step up to the plate here; and be 100% committed to learning how to live like a real, Christlike man; so you can finally become the husband Marpay needs!

 

Kimberly's post:

 

"When you understand principles, you can walk in God's truth. That is the purpose here that knowing and applying the truth sets you free...it sets your marriage on a course to restoration.

 

 

The ONE thing that separates the men from the boys in life as well as in the Kingdom of God is CHOICE.

 

You are not a helpless victim who has no power or control over your decisions.

 

One of the greatest life principles there is, is that....YOU HAVE AN OBEDIENCE.

 

Obedience means that, You have a part in the grand scheme of things in God's will for your life. That is how much God loves you and believes in you. He knows you CAN because God has given you ALL things in your relationship with Christ.

 

I am going to explain things to you as simply as I possibly can.

 

There are two things in this life that every person wants to know and brings them peace. Two questions that every human heart wants answered. Answers that can make sense of the senseless and the hurt, the loneliness, of longing to be loved for who we are.

 

(1) Why do I do what I do?

 

* How did I get this way?

 

* How do I change once I realize my way of doing things is wrong?

 

* Can I really change by being a good husband?

 

 

 

(2) What is the ANSWER? Is there a SOLUTION?

 

* How do I go about implementing the truth once I have the solution?

 

* Is there some way I can actually walk out becoming a mature man of God?

 

* How do I become a Christ-like man?

 

 

 

These questions in every human heart are ALL answered for you here.

 

Pray and ask God to help you believe and take to heart the truth of His Word about your marriage and HOW that all works together to give you and your Bride an amazing and beautiful life together.

 

WHY? Because tucked inside the pages of God's Word is the answer to changing. Tucked inside the most beautiful relationship on earth is the way to grow up. God has made it simple.

 

And there is even a reward for a man who will choose His ways. The reward is the response of a Bride's heart. It is her response of loving you for loving her.

 

And not only that, but God's will is to re-create you into a new person in Christ. God is re-writing your history. God is opening up, for the first time in your life, a new beginning, a new path, a new place in God's Kingdom where you will know life and joy and His destiny for you. God needs you. He needs you to trust His Word of truth to you. That is all. That is why Jesus says, behold (look and see) ALL things are becoming new.

 

You do your part and He will do the rest.

 

Why am I like this?

 

Yes, IN THE PAST, you were hurt and wounded. That very wounding led to you trying to figure out how not to be hurt again. In your family of origin you learned different ways of handling life, handling hurt, handling relationships.

 

Because we are all fallen and sinful people...we learned some of the wrong ways of coping with hurt. You took on wrong behavior and thinking patterns to make life bearable.

 

This led to your Arrested Development. You learned to deal with life and relationships from an immature place....choosing behavior that is not healthy and thereby, not Godly or Christ-like.

 

By repeating over and over again these sinful choices, you became a sinful man who hurt others.

 

Arrested Development is something that actually happened in your brain. It is like you are frozen in time at the point of your pain. Why? Because our brain is an amazing machine!!

 

It is the central and core part of us as human beings and the place of our will or soul. His Word says, As a man thinks in his heart, SO IS HE.

 

There are brain synapses that connect to each other. There should have been a steady flow of balanced and healthy chemicals being carried through those connections and helping us grow and become mature. Many of those synapses shriveled up and died, leaving gaping disconnects in our thinking and emotions.

 

Our mind, will and emotions are our soul. It is also the seat of our affections or our heart or desire. Everything inside of us is interconnected to how we think about what we FEEL. That is how we make choices (will) and what we decide to do with that.

 

The part of us that influences our soul is our SPIRIT MAN. That is where God's Spirit dwells in us and is alive in us. He helps us and empowers us and convinces to walk in the truth. He reveals truth to us so that we can choose it over our soulish choices.

 

You are paralyzed at the points of your childhood traumas at the very age they occurred which left you at a certain emotional age. Since most of us were very young when trauma happened, we get stuck in a rut. We act out of our emotional age which is immature and childish. That is all we know. It is all we learned.

 

It does help to know why. When we know why then we can change it. When God comes along and says, It is not your fault that you were hurt and a victim of your childhood....it lifts off of you a heavy burden.

 

The problem arises when you want to use that victimization as an excuse NOT to get past it and grow up. That is why people fall short of the glory of God. They stay in that broken place and clench their fists around their immaturity. They do not know that there is a way to be free, a way to be saved from their immaturity.

 

Instead they camp out in being a victim and hold onto their past. BUT the cloud is moving. The GLORY is heading toward the Promised Land.

 

There is a way for our minds to be changed and new synapses created that leads to right thinking. Right thinking leads to right choices. Right choices REPEATED over and over again leads to eternal change. Since you are a Christian man, those changes line up with God's truth and His will for your life.

 

God knows we are all broken in our our childhoods. He knew that sending Jesus would be the answer for us to be able to be healed and whole. When we accept Christ and ask Him into our broken lives...then we begin the process of growing up into all things, even Christ. We all start out as a child of God and babes in Christ. We grow up though if we know how. We become perfect, holy, and mature.

 

We reflect Christ's image

We RE-present Him to those around us (first to our wife and children)

We are LIKE Him

We act and think like Him...you have the mind of Christ

 

The confusion often happens because though we are immature in our emotions, we grew in stature and intellectually. So the battle is is on our minds. Our minds have to be renewed and matured.

 

We filter our actions or choices through our emotions and those events. That is why we talk about so much your emotional age. BUT, we CAN mature and be renewed by the transforming (metamorphosis) of our minds and thoughts.

 

We can choose against immaturity by doing the opposite mature action. Every time you do that you grow and change.

 

This is HOW you change, This is the answer right here. It is also the hope. We are not stuck. We are not victims!! We can love and be loved in return.

 

For a husband in a marriage relationship....that is the pathway to your changes. You are not out there all by yourself. Marriage gives you the perfect environment to practice loving, practice good, practice righteousness.

 

When you were a child you thought and acted like a child, but when you become (or becoming...process), you are an adult, mature, or a MAN....then you SEE or behold your new man, that man who is like Jesus. That man who SEES face to face in love and intimacy with God and others. (1 Corinthians 13)

 

You were broken. As WE ALL ARE. We get that. Broken people hurt. They grasp at behaviors that they think will get them to feel accepted and loved. They do things to stay in control because the hurt inside makes them feel out of control.

 

In your case, you choose the place of safety and hiding from connecting in relationships. It is too scary for you to really take a risk at loving.

 

This is what passive men do. You were never created by God, however to be PASSIVE.

 

Passivity is NOT healthy nor Godly. It has nothing to do with being mature but rather immature and destroys others and yourself.

 

By being PRO-ACTIVE (giving into a need), the opposite of passivity, passivity is broken off of you.

 

Because of your PAST pain and wounds, you had to survive it by finding some way, any way to feel good and comfortable. Yet, your waydoes not work..

 

God has given you a different way to be a man. He has given you very simple truth that when you obey it, it brings about the creation of the best relationship in your marriage and then effects your children and ALL relationships in your world.

 

 

HOW?

 

Here is the HOPE...... You are NOT doomed to a life of failure or NOT being loved.

 

You are NOT meant to be powerless and helpless.

 

You are NOT meant to stay the same.

 

You are NOT created by God to drown in your hurt and carnal man.

 

There is a WAY. There is truth that still SETS YOU FREE.

 

You CAN MATURE. You can be a MAN. You can grow up into all things in Christ.

 

This is what this Ministry teaches you to do to get out of your pit...out of that place you feel stuck in.

 

To get you out of the addictions, the old patterns of behavior that are hurting you and robbing your life....AND THE LIFE OF YOUR FAMILY. For Satan comes to kill, rob and destroy you. Jesus came to bring you life and that more abundantly (overflowing to others).

 

Here comes the truth. It is not a program. It is not a bunch of Helpers trying to convince you of some lame answer. There is a solution to your problems.

 

Every human being needs HOPE and an answer. All of your life you have been looking for one.

 

These are GOD'S PRINCIPLES....THIS IS GOD'S TRUTH.

 

God has a way out of your hurt and pain. God has a love to give you so powerful that you can heal your wife and you also get healed. When you act right in the present....and you can see the results of doing it God's way then you want to repeat that behavior. When you do that you become a different person. A person you are satisfied with and can look in the mirror at.

 

It is a beautiful picture of Salvation right there at your fingertips. You CAN become a truly good man, a righteous man and a loving man.

 

God has given you ONE simple answer. LOVE your wife. If you can learn to love outside the walls you hide behind. If you will choose to love just one wife with everything you have...you WILL CHANGE.

 

I know that it seems too simple. The truth is not complicated. I understand that DOING it may FEEL hard. That is only because you are so familiar with that old man and his behavior that it is easier to choose what you are used to.

 

Let me tell you....just because something is familiar does not make it right. It does not make it the truth. The enemy of your soul, your self-preservation, the patterns of behaving from your past are ALL a LIE.

 

All God is asking you is to step into the light. Let God shine the truth into your life. Let God show you through your wife all the places inside of you that are a lie. God knows that all of those lies are hurting you also.

 

He does not want you to stay wounded and alone inside of those lies. It does not make sense to stay out in the cold. It does not even make common sense to hold onto behaviors that are destructive to yourself and those around you.

 

That is WHY God gave a help-meet suitable for you. She is your helper. She helps you sort out the good from the bad. She helps you sift through the behavior and beliefs you cling to that are hurting you and hurting her.

 

The reason you do not like it is because it is your selfish man...your old man, your carnal man that puts up a fight. Your Arrested development is telling you to live out of your immature emotions. All that is is pride and ego screaming that it knows better than God.

 

Just let it go. It has not worked so far has it? The proof and evidence is that the beliefs and choices you have made all your life are still leaving you hurting, frustrated and lonely.

 

Men put up their pride to look like they have it all together

They put forth an agenda to protect themselves from being exposed or humbled

They act arrogantly and like a know-it-all so others can not see their insecurities

They control to make sure they get what they THINK will make them happy

 

If you are really honest you would admit that you KNOW it isn't working. You KNOW you are broken inside and scared cause you never had a real answer that worked. That at the end of the day...you know something is wrong with you.

 

There is!! If a man can just acknowledge that...if he will sell himself out for Jesus and take on God's way of doing life then he is farther in that surrender than he has ever been before in staying in resistance.

 

God is good...He made sure you were not ALONE to figure it out.

 

She is a gift to you. You are not alone to figure all of this out. That is why God said, It is NOT good for the MAN to be ALONE.

 

God wants to bring you to a place where you believe in yourself, that your good feelings come from being a good man....a man who pleases Jesus Christ by loving others. That is your ANSWER.

 

When you die to believing your childish thoughts and choose to do the mature thing in the present with your wife...guess what happens? You grow up and the new way or God's way of doing things becomes a part of you. You actually become different and changed. Your thinking changes and you now have the mind of Christ.

 

You do NOT want any longer to go back to that old man because now you KNOW and can see that God's way works. Who would want to go back to the old way? No one.

 

You are created to be an INITIATOR. All this means is that your life is spent and poured out on others. You are a GIVER. You look for hearts to pour into. You as a husband look to everyday of your life to give into your wife. When you give love then you change. You become a MAN.

 

Giving love is the ONE, perfect and surest way to act masculine. Giving is actually what makes you a man. Isn't that amazing?

 

Every time you REACT or let your FEELINGS(responses) get the best of you....you are no longer walking in masculinity. What you have done is take on the feminine side of God. Your wife is the one in a marriage relationship to be FEMININE...NOT YOU. It does not fit right and it leads to relationship problems.

 

Yet, this is NOT where the Lord wants you to stay.

 

Forgetting those things which are behind....it is now time to press forward. WHY? Because there is an ANSWER, A SOLUTION TO ALL OF YOUR HURT AND SIN.....JESUS.

 

The way a man presses forward is to be take on the mind of Christ concerning his marriage relationship.

 

God has told you HOW to do this.

 

Husbands, lay down your life and GIVE it for her. JUST AS...or LIKE Christ laid His life down for His Bride, the Church. Here is the answer to your change and maturity. Your obedience to loving unselfishly changes you as a man. This is one of the divine and eternal reasons for the Covenant relationship of marriage.

 

Just like we are in a New Covenant relationship with Jesus Christ, our Heavenly Bridegroom. He gave His life for you. He choose against selfishness and went to the Cross.

 

Jesus did NOT respond or react....Like a lamb led to the slaughter, he opened not his mouth. Interestingly, He cried out to His Source of life and strength and talked to the Father about His agony...Jesus NEVER poured that on His Bride. He only longed for her heart to respond to His love for her.

 

He did not react to those around him who were murdering Him. He loved them by choosing that Cross. He did not try and get out of dying for His Bride but He embraced it because it brought Him joy knowing we would be loved by the Father.

 

Now, Jesus only asks you to pick up your Cross and follow His example of loving in a way that gives of itself for the benefit of a Bride. Jesus is NOT asking you to physically die but to die to your ways of protecting yourself by acting out destructive behavior.

 

In other words, dying to your passive behavior in your marriage. It feels like dying because it is what you used to think was your life force and kept you in control. But having control over a wife is not healthy or obeying God. Only loving unselfishly is the true act of a mature man.

 

I pray this helps you understand why you act the way you do and how, by being a loving husband, is the answer to your own wounds being healed, your immaturity and wrong thinking being changed and becoming the son of God He predestined and chose you would BECOME. In this you please the Father's heart. He will say, Well done thou good and faithful servant...enter into your rest.

 

Love never fails. It IS the answer. He promises.

 

God gave you the matchless gift of being married. He chose you for each other. When you say, YES to Him, I will love my Bride, Lord....then you will understand what true love is. You will understand the Father's love for you even in deeper ways. You will get closer to God because you will be reaching out to Him to fill you with His Spirit to be able to love. Therefore, your relationship with God will get closer. Your relationship to your wife will change forever.

 

When you love like Jesus loves.....you become LIKE HIM.

 

Blessings of revelation and power to walk in truth all of your days...with all of your heart.

 

Kimberly "

[duartegouveia]

Wow Kimberly CAN surley write!!! thankyou for that eye opener PfH......alot that i can associate with myself....I will keep reading IT!!! and try to get some progress faster.

 

back to J&K...

this is where the re-learning happens --

give us an example of where you messed up -- what was said/done -- and then will give you a scenario of WHAT should have happened to bring healing. (we have done this with many other husbands and it IS helpful to them as they get "stuck" in overthinking on the one hand, and thinking more highly of themself than they ought to think on the other)

one issue that I have, is I always jump into a conversation while other people are still talking....I tend to do this action quite often......and I have begun to realize when I am busy doing that and then stop....but then the selfishness and hurt has been done!!

another is that I need to control the way I talk with the children.......M says I am too rough and scream at them.....I feel that I am only trying to get there attention, because when I talk they dont listen!!! and that I know is because they see me as a friend, instead of their dad.....and because of the lack of discipline I have had in them showing me......

another is I still miss lots of things that M tells me during conversations!!! then get things wrong....and get her all frustrated!!

 

I read M's posting of today and she has mentioned that I havent sent her the appology.......I mailed it to her on 26th jan.

fromDuarte Gouveia

toGwen

dateWed, Jan 26, 2011 at 6:09 PM

subjectSorry for all the Hurt Love............

mailed-bygmail.com

she has not replied to the mail, so I have not been sure what her thought are?

should I post it on my fourm?? I mail it to M just as it was when the helpers said they were happy with it........

better get to bed.....have to be up in 5.5hrs to get kids bathed and to school......

have a blessed day!

[J_W]

Were you on the same conference call as Marpay?

Did you explain why you are not doing everything possible to tie up the loose ends in her business?

 

she has apparently not gotten your apology letter -- please either email it again OR post it on her thread ASAP -- the healing has got to begin, she is on a slim thread emotionally and has been crying much

 

you wrote:

one issue that I have, is I always jump into a conversation while other people are still talking....I tend to do this action quite often......and I have begun to realize when I am busy doing that and then stop....but then the selfishness and hurt has been done!!

another is that I need to control the way I talk with the children.......M says I am too rough and scream at them.....I feel that I am only trying to get there attention, because when I talk they dont listen!!! and that I know is because they see me as a friend, instead of their dad.....and because of the lack of discipline I have had in them showing me......

another is I still miss lots of things that M tells me during conversations!!! then get things wrong....and get her all frustrated!!

Well, do you realize that what you are doing is just plain rude? When interrupting a conversation, the other person is being treated as if they are unimportant, that what they think is not valued, etc IT is good that you are realizing that you do this... but, you must now re-train your mouth and visually consider yourself to have duct-tape over your mouth -- shut -- no talking. Some men have put rubber bands on their wrists for them to inflict a little pain on themselves whenever tempted to interrupt or argue with others, especially their bride.

INSTEAD, think about what the other person is saying, and repeat back to them what you thought they said, and ask them if that is correct.

"do not think more highly of yourself than you ought to think" -- this is in Romans 12

ARE YOU READING both of the J&K books? the Hegstrom book, Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them? God's Word? every day for at least 10 minutes?

This is part of renewing your mind -- as you cannot be removing bad stuff from your life without ALSO replacing it with GOOD thinking, GOOD actions.

 

Are you taking meds for ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder)? for it surely sounds to me as if you are -- so very similar to Ward's behavior, especially the interrupting, talking about what you want... and the yelling at the children. There is a $4.95 online ADD test link on this forum. You need help with this ASAP -- as I can testify to the right meds making a tremendous difference with Ward, making it possible for us to be on our way to an OHM.

 

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/1656-online-test-for-addadhd/

 

Please read more on the FAVORITE POSTS section http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/forum/16-favorite-posts-by-various-authors-by-joel-and-kathy-davisson-and-favorite-posts-on-certain-subjects/

and for daily devotionals:

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/103-especially-for-the-guys-becoming-christ-like/

 

take the steps today to become a Christlike husband TODAY - one day at a time -- and before you know it a week will have passed.... one step, one day at a time.

 

take the meds if you are ADD -- TODAY take the online test

 

be a blessing to your bride -- TODAY!

my .04

June of

[J_W]

from another man's post by Dory

 

Quote

Romans 8: 35-39

 

Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword ? Just as it is written, "FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED." But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

 

Please RECITE OUT LOUD, on your car drive to work or wherever.... Phil 4:13

 

"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

 

Speaking these things that you want to come into being OUT LOUD helps you to retrain old thought patterns faster because the brain listens to YOU!

 

SAYING IT OUT LOUD IS KEY!

 

Quote

"but what happens in the limbic system, where the software for what we need from our Creator to be whole, That's where it lies. And anytime you think something internally, it is an option. You only move it from (being) an option to a decision by speaking the word because your thalamus will not obey anyone else. It will only obey your voice. And that is why there is Scripture in Revelation that says we over come by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. So I have challenged people in the last two or three years: If you're reading Scripture don't read it internally to yourself. Read it out loud - because what is happening as you read Scripture, it is coming out of your mouth, you are the authority over your body bringing down the strongholds bring into captivity the imagination, and choosing upon what you think. And that is Paul's writings. When you speak it your thalamus comes into submission to it and it will change. And when we speak our decisions and we read the word (out loud), we are wiring our brains." ~Hegstrom

[J_W]

Kimberly's post on another thread:

 

Just because you have failed and faltered does not mean God does not love you. He loves you beyond your comprehension. His heart aches for you to be near Him and to draw you closer.

 

Nothing can separate you from Him...except yourself. This means you are tying God's hands from getting the truth TO YOU. It is true God will NOT do something FOR you as He expects you to do YOUR PART. That is the part of free will.

 

Our free will is His greatest gift to us as human beings and also the gift with the most responsibility.

 

If I hand you a gift but you never bother to open it or receive it, does it mean the gift or the gift-giver is blamed? This is what you do with God.

 

He longs to bring you blessing and favor. His gift is right there and His hand opened to you. The problem is the receiver being closed off.

 

If you are so busy clenching your fists or holding on to your rights and needs, your confusion and fear, the pride and anger, then how can you open your hand to something different? Again, You are closed off to God because you moved away from Him, God never moved at all.

 

When you came to this Ministry the first truth you will be faced with is your glaring issues that are stopping you from receiving or getting in the way of receiving God's love.

 

Men generally at that point feel the control and pride come up in them because for the first time they are being challenged to think differently.

 

The resistance, they think is because there is something wrong with his wife or the teaching of God's Word through others. In this way you put yourself in a precarious position. You tie God's hands because you have closed yourself down to truth or listening to God saying, Steve, I love you BUT there is pride and all this junk in between us...give Me the sin, let go and OPEN your heart to the gift I am giving you...open your heart to MY LOVE.

 

Can you see the difference? Give it to God and take His great love for you.

 

Instead of him going first and understanding his role in marriage that man will cling to and default to his familiar, sinful flesh. His immaturity dictates that he will not face consequences or take responsibility for his failures and sin.

 

His wife then or others (unless they agree with him, of course)...will be the enemy. You will fight everything and everyone instead of your own demons WITH God's help.

 

God is for you. He is for your marriage. The Holy Spirit is your Comforter and on stand by ready to help, ready to empower you, your Teacher. Your wife is your gift too. Open your heart to receive her help-meet role in truth. Understand she is obeying God in her role.

 

 

Romans 8: 35-39

 

Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword ? Just as it is written, "FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED." But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

Kimberly

[J_W]

Marpay says she got a short version of your apology -- and not the long one where you list specific hurts through the years and apologize specifically for each one -- so, this needs to be done -- it is VERY important....

 

please read about this at:

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/244-great-verbal-apology-written-apology-is-also-here/page__view__findpost__p__101304

 

and start working on this list ASAP -- plus be sweet and gentle and constantly thinking of ways to bless your bride -- if you had been doing this all along there would not be the bad choices made by her --

and if you are holding a grudge -- take it to the CROSS -- for you have done far worse to your bride than she can possibly even think - it is your responsibility

 

Once you are acting like a Christlike husband, your bride will respond to you, for the Lord put that in her

 

praying,

June of

[duartegouveia]

this is where the re-learning happens --

give us an example of where you messed up -- what was said/done -- and then will give you a scenario of WHAT should have happened to bring healing. (we have done this with many other husbands and it IS helpful to them as they get "stuck" in overthinking on the one hand, and thinking more highly of themself than they ought to think on the other)

Valentines day............got up, got the kids breakfast ready, rush to get them to school/daycare...then rush to work to submit wages.........guess what?? I forgot it was valentines day!!! did not wish or kiss my wife, happy valentines!!!!........I know... I'M GUILTY!!!!! but i'm also human... I remembered at 9am, so I sent her a nice email....told my work companion I'd better head off to the stores to get my wife some flowers before they are all sold out!! rush to store, got flowers, a card and took them home thinking that she was at a client, as she had mentioned it to me that morrning......GUILTY AGAIN!!! i should have called her and asked where she was, because she was actualy at her office, and could have taken them to her....... I haden't thiught of that!! my mind was spinning because I was thinking of how she must have been feeling about me not remembering valentines....so I took the flowers home....the plan being to go with her home during lunch and supprising her.......she went off to lunch at home and did not mention it to me. I called her and asked if she would like to go and get something to eat, and she said she was already at home......I thought to my self...GREAT...that didn't help much, so much for the supprise......got home and she was not impressed at all.....I dont think with the flowers and card...and OBVIOUSLY with ME!!

SHE had every right to feel like she did....

Why can't I think ahead.......I always jump into the first thought that comes to mind!!!

 

We recieved J&K's dvd & book set.....M has started to read them....I will have to also jump in and read while she is not busy with them.....

 

Sorry to all the helpers...and especialy my wife!!!! that I haven't been responding on the forum......I must do my best to explain how our day has progressed......for now, have a great day, to you all!!!

I need to start focusing AGAIN!!

[J_W]

yep -- you blew it!

 

set up a REAL DATE for you and your bride, ASAP! a re-do of Valentine's Day to show her that you love her... and then FOCUS ON HER --

 

read daily out of Livin' It and Lovin' It together - initiated by YOU -- just 10 minutes (perhaps as soon as the children are in bed, but definitely EACH DAY) You are re-learning --

 

you wrote:

I need to start focusing AGAIN!!

I cannot tell that you have even started focusing on her -- you seem to still be focused on SELF and your own feelings and you keep puking them on your bride ---- so stop that and FILL the thoughts of self with thoughts/actions/words of "what can I do to bless my bride?" (if you can't think of anything, look at the list again that she's given you and/or ask her "what can I do to be a blessing to you" -- FIRST, LOOK AROUND and be observant -- if there is something that needs to be DONE, DO IT. Don't wait for your bride to point it out to you -- be proACTIVE in this -- this is how you mature and grow up)

 

Since you are so very passive, I highly encourage you to read the book ANGRY Men and the Women Who Love Them by Paul Hegstrom -- (no, you don't have to be ANGRY all the time, but passive men ARE angry, just deeper inside and still quite abusive -- Ward is very passive and this book turned him around, perhaps it will help you, too. Paul Hegstrom certainly got Joel's attention in 1994, not that Joel is passive, he's not, but Hegstrom - and Joel- knows abusive men! and you, sir, are STILL abusing your bride)

 

She is HOME - this is wonderful news! ::clap

so, now you need to do all you can to make her a happy wife -- and then you BOTH can have a happy life --

 

No wonder it is written in Deut 24:5 "When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out with the army nor be charged with any duty; he shall be free at home one year and shall give happiness to his wife whom he has taken. (NASB)"

"A man who has just married must not be sent to war or be given any other duty. He should be free to stay home for a year to make his new wife happy." (NCV)

 

THE FOCUS in the first year of marriage? To make his wife happy!!! a way of living that will then continue because his brain will know what to do to MAKE HIS WIFE HAPPY! We are asking for you to devote SIX MONTHS with constantly DOing all you can to make your wife happy. When you are sincere, you will be amazed at how warmly your wife respond -- and then you BOTH WIN!

 

it wouldn't hurt you to review this thread:

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/1026-mother-son-issues-by-joel/ Your bride needs to be pursued by you.

 

NOW, finish the full and lengthy apology, incl the Valentine's Day LOVER apology, plus whatever else is on "the list" that Marpay says she needs to feel loved by you.

'With God ALL THINGS are possible" = "He directs your steps" but He can't do anything if you are not stepping. so, MOVE onward to an OHM.

 

Blessings and prayers,

June of

Edited February 17, 2011 by June & Ward

[J_W]

WHERE ARE YOU, D and WHAT ARE YOU DOING to bless your bride?

 

WHY aren't you reading the J&K books aloud with your bride?

 

WHY are you only giving her a few of smiles, hugs, kisses, compliments each day?

she is NOW HOME and much more easy access -- right there in front of you

 

 

WHY aren't you speaking up on the conference calls? You surely need to be doing this and initiating it.

 

if you were ever in sports in school or played a musical instrument, you know full well that there is no improvement until you do step by step, practice, step by step, practice and getting better and with more confidence. That is the same way it is in life, in MARRIAGE... so STOP JUST DOING NOTHING and get into full gear! don't just try to get by with the barest minimum possible.

 

still holding on to a grudge or two? if so, you need to take those grudges to the cross and remember that you caused the problem to begin with ... because you were passively TORTURING YOUR BRIDE>... and you still are when you "don't do"

 

IS there a hidden something going on in your life? and this is what is stalling you out?

 

This is the time to be changing.... please don't just be stuck in the starting blocks or revving up your engine to go and wasting gas when you could already be well on your way to bringing healing to your bride

 

Marpay should be reading Livin' It and Lovin' It while you are reading The Man of Her Dreams / The Woman of His --- or at least you reading book on and the both of you reading book 2 aloud

 

you need to be pursuing your bride -- isn't she lovely to you? of course she is -- and when a husband does not pursue his wife he is telling her pretty plainly that he thinks badly of her and wants nothing to do with her -- that is what she perceives anyway -- SO PURSUE, 20/20/20/20

 

praying for you to "get this"

You CAN have an OHM if you are a Christian man -- you have a Christian wife who is available to you, who is yielded to re-learn, too -- "when God is for you (AND HE IS) who can be against you?"

 

Blessings,

June of

[J_W]

WHY OH WHY????????

Love,

 

I really love these messages and thank you for the hot choc, but at times

the messages do get me down because they are just words and your deeds are

the complete opposite. So, I am confused what to believe and what to do. I

end up feeling guilty and not loved, like I am crazy or something.Now I

understand the meaning of the word of-balance because that is what I am!

 

You have been so inconsistent and you refuse to apologise and I am so very

hurt after this weekend again.

 

I read the book and so desire to respond positive, but you just do not do

the things long enough for me to begin to trust you and respond. I am

struggling so much to do the little bit of responding that I do, but I

keep getting hurt.I really can't continue like this.

 

You never asked me once how I felt this weekend or if I wanted to talk

about anything, so let me tell you the bigger things that bothered......

 

1. You working the entire weekend brought back so many hurtful memories of

the past - You working and me and Jaden being the absolute last priority.

You decided to burn the sticks in the backyard when you knew that you only

had so little time to spend with me and the kids in the morning before you

were going to work. You did the washing, I hanged it on the line, you took

it off... This is great teamwork. But the entire Saturday morning you had

so many "things" to do other than to spend time with your family. I can do

things too and do not expect you to do everything, I also need to be a

mommy, please do not take that away from me completely but please help me!

 

2. The kids are treated badly by you whenever they show any emotional

need. I am not a perfect parent and certainly make many mistakes and we

are here to help one another and I encourage you to tell me when you see

me treating the kids wrong. When they cry about being hurt, you simply

can't tell them that it is their own fault and that they should have

watched what they were doing and "daddy did not hurt you". Please always

first validate their feelings and then tell them that you want to protect

them and not hurt them, that they are safe and that they need to be

careful.

 

3. Saturday evening I went to a party without you and hated every moment

because again it was such a hurtful experience re-living being alone at so

many occasions before, like I do not have a husband. People are

understanding, but I am hurt. You kept telling me to go despite me saying

that I did not want to go alone. I am glad I went because our friends

would have been hurt if I did not go so it was the unselfish thing to do,

but not once did you validate my feelings or even ask me why I as so

frustrated about it.

 

4. Saturday, you phoned once to say hi, never sent me any messages whilst

you were at work... 8 hours and you could only think about us once.

 

5. Saturday evening I took you dinner from the party and wanted you to see

what we all looked like. Thank you for the quick comment. I so long for

you to be excited when you see us, to shout to the world that you are

proud of us, to say it and display it. To openly say what you think of us.

You never even ate your dinner and gave me an excuse when I told you that

this was a slap in the face on Sunday.

 

6. Saturday evening I was reminded of such hurt when I was looking at the

clock from 10pm to wait for you to come home and reminded of you always

taking such a long time to come home. You wanted to leave 20 minutes early

when work is just 5 minutes from home and at 10:30pm I turned the lights

of and went to bed. You told me that you came home at 10:30 but I am sure

I would have herd it. I do not say anything because I am mistrusting and

feeling like I am being lied to. You went to get me flowers that you left

on my bedside with a note "Sorry about being a jerk" after midnight. I did

wake up, but said nothing. I thought, is this the time to come home? You

told me that you had been to our Friend whom's birthday it was and you

stayed there till after midnight. It would have been so good if you had

thought about me first and said goodnight first. I said thank you for the

flowers on Sunday and not a single word from you.

 

7. On Sunday you went to work again and not a single call or sms from you.

When I called you to tell you about Katy being so hurt with her fingers in

the door and put her on the phone to talk to you, you only had such

shallow words and you were very obviously in a hurry to get us off the

phone. This hurt!

 

8. On Sunday afternoon you came home early, how happy I was to see you,

but a little surprised as it was somewhat unexpected. You came in, helped

to finish bathing the kids that were in the bath and then all hell broke

loose in my world because the entire planned day was gone. You played with

the kids and they got hurt so many times and again no emotional support

when they cried. They were wild and then did not listen to you at all when

it was time to eat. I had food ready on the table and again the kids would

not listen to you, but were happy to settle when mummy spoke. It bothers

me so much, I want so badly for them to respect you and I put in such

effort to teach them and you come destroy all that hard work.End result,

we spoke to mum late and the kids went to bed late.

 

9. On Sunday evening I gave you a list of things that upset me and you

completely ignored me. I then told you that I will not be speaking to you

till you apologise properly. (properly being the L.O.V.E.R). You ignored

me again and later came into my room running your fingers through my hair

like nothing was wrong. You have still not apologised. I did not send you

out of my room because I felt guilty that you were there trying to be so

gentle and affectionate and I am so hungry for that affection that I just

can't get myself to tell you to leave till you can do the right thing. So,

I failed and am still in a very hurt and bad place...... I believe I was

supposed to go dark on you and don't even understand why I found it so

hard to do.

 

These are only the big things, all the small hurtful things are not

listed. I am not out to hurt you or make you fail, but I am myself so very

confused because I do not feel loved at all, I do not fee, change at all,

I see the same man I have been married to for so many years and been so

hurt by. The memories were so overwhelming this weekend.

 

Have a great day

 

 

 

 

On 21/02/11 10:39 AM, "duarte.mtgillen" wrote:

 

Have a great day, wonderful lady!!!

Hope you liked the hot choc.

You look beautiful and sexy!! you have this sparkle whenever I see you!!

You're a STAR!! a magnificent ONE!!

Love u!!

 

iPhone MSG

do you realize how horribly abusive your actions/inactions are?

or do you think that this is okay treatment of your bride and children?

 

PPPPLLLLLEEEEEAAAAASSSSSEEEEEE REPLY ON THIS FORUM

 

and start LOVING on your bride (and your very young children) and stop focusing on yourSELF!

 

my .04

June of

[J_W]

it has been a chalenging few days since M arrived home. I have been doing my best in remembering to put her needs first.......there have been several times that I stumbled and have had to appologise. She has been sooooo helpful in letting me know where I have gone wrong....and occasionaly has aslo had to remind me where an apology was needed!!

 

I haven't been doing what she requested by being on the calls every day and talking on some.......I have tried my best to be on when possible. I am currently short staffed, and am having to fill in the gaps....only once i'm fully staffed will I be able to be on continiously.......she has requested that i talk and ask for help!! I know that I am still getting things wrong...Its not something that the helpers can do for me...I HAVE to change the way I THINK myself.....I know where I'm going wrong......It is me who has to tackle my old self!!!! I am the one who needs to:

 

stop explaining, excusing, and talking over her,need to disiplining the children, pay attention, listen, treat the kids with love, treat my wife with love, support her needs...........

 

I will be doing my best to accomplish the goals.

I have always been helping around the home and showing her 20/20/20/20......been rubbing her back, hair etc....and just trying to be careing through this difficult time........and she sooooooo needs everyones support!!!! any encouragment would be sooooooo much appreciated from all you wonderful helpers!!!!!

 

again I say I will be doing my best......and can only grow from my mistakes.

my you all be blessed abundantly!!!!

[duartegouveia]

Hello June......

WHY OH WHY????????

cant explain.........all i can say is it feels like all I try do is wrong!! See below....

It is not so much "what" is done in a marriage - but it is the "context" of the marriage that is all important. In a severely strained marriage, a hurting wife will see almost anything that her husband does as "wrong." Why? Because in the context of the marriage, he has been selfish, controlling, manipulative - and that "shadows" all of his thought patterns and decisions.

This weekend i had no choice, but had to do the work myself, as I have had staff leaving town.

I havent worked on our yard for months!!! It looks like a jungle at the back!! I had a tree branch fall over our fence to the neighbours house 3 months ago.......and have been so supprised that they hadent come over to complain!! I have been having that on my mind for weeks!! so this weekend I got up early, got the bow saw and started cutting bits so that i could get this large branch out of their yard....after that I got a small fire going to burn all the branches and other small trees that we had cut down from our "JUNGLE"....Ok!!! bad week to decide on doing that.....understandable!! my stupidity..

I realize i'm working on the wrong things........

 

went to work at 2pm, closed the store at 10:30pm, went home, had a shower then went over to M, to see if she was awake.

I sat by her side and stroked her hair.....and noticed she was fast asleep.

I then rememberd the valentines day and where i stuffed up...and her saying it would have been good if i at least had left the flowres by her bed side.......that morrning m the kids and i went to the supermarked and I had noticed some magnificent flowers....i so thought of byeing them for her, but the timeing was wrong!!

So right then, I got in the car race off to buy them at 11 at night.....went to wish a friend happy birthday and had a coffee with them. After that I went home, wrote a short appology for being a jerk, and a nice msg for her on the box, and placed it on her bed side so that she could wake up to them.

 

M has requested that i re-right the appology, as she does not approve in the one i wrote.....so I'll have to work on that again.......just not getting anything right!

 

we recieved the J&K books.....M raced through the first, so I am startin with that one now....I'll have to read it 10 times before i can memorise like M does!!

 

I appologised to m for my poor behavior over the weekend, and am going to step it up!!

M has also asked me to post how long, often, and when I had been on porn.......so i'll be doing that too..

[J_W]

you know what?

IT's ALL ABOUT YOU AND WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!!!

 

egads

 

this really stuck out at me --

So right then, I got in the car race off to buy them at 11 at night.....went to wish a friend happy birthday and had a coffee with them.

who is this friend, man? woman?

 

you can't spend any bloomin' time with your bride nor special care to help your very young children and yet you can go have a coffee with a friend at midnight???"?

 

what in the world are you thinking? it is certainly NOT about how to have a happy marriage

 

 

WHERE IS YOUR LOVER APOLOGY?????

This weekend i had no choice, but had to do the work myself, as I have had staff leaving town.

I havent worked on our yard for months!!! It looks like a jungle at the back!! I had a tree branch fall over our fence to the neighbours house 3 months ago.......and have been so supprised that they hadent come over to complain!! I have been having that on my mind for weeks!! so this weekend I got up early, got the bow saw and started cutting bits so that i could get this large branch out of their yard....after that I got a small fire going to burn all the branches and other small trees that we had cut down from our "JUNGLE"....Ok!!! bad week to decide on doing that.....understandable!! my stupidity..

I realize i'm working on the wrong things........

 

YOU POOR THING -- can't do anything right --- that's because all you do is SELF-focused.... your bride is now finally home for good and what YOU CHOOSE to do is for yourSELF. that IS the problem, D. YOU can change this. and then YOU and your bride could have a happy life--

cant explain.........all i can say is it feels like all I try do is wrong!! See below....

 

you received J&K books on the 16th -

we recieved the J&K books.....M raced through the first, so I am startin with that one now....I'll have to read it 10 times before i can memorise like M does!!

there are TWO BOOKS, D. She should have been reading Livin' It and Lovin' It while you read The Man of Her Dreams/ The Woman of His.... and btw -- it's not about memorizing -- it's about being humble and teachable and wanting to LIVE the book, the live that the Lord God instructed you to live. The way that you SHOW GOD that you love Him is by agape-loving your bride, cherishing and honoring her, washing her with the water of the Word, LAYING DOWN YOUR life (NOT just being willing to lay down your life), living with her in an understanding way, etc.

 

So, when are you going to SHOW GOD that you love Him?

 

The Decision -- it's way past time -- read again: http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/3604-its-a-decision-and-other-pearls-husbands-need-to-read/

 

What ARE you filling your mind with? ARE you still looking at porn? ARE you in a relationship with someone other than your bride (because you certainly have a very pitiful relationship with HER)

 

We encouraged your bride to come home --- and to what, D? YOU have got to make changes, step by step (no more procrastinating), with HONESTY. NOW.

 

 

prayerfully,

June of

[J_W]

15 December 2010 [/size]- 07:52 AM' timestamp='1292413979' post='104395']

it's not that i am being layed back......I have been mailing her....keeping in contact, getting the children to talk to her before bed time, trying to get work done at home that she has asked me to do, etc......it is just easier to working on being a blessing to her when she is around.

no excuse in not being able to do more while she is away........I will come up with some ideas....mmmmm.

 

this is simply to remind you that two months ago you said, "it is just easier to working on being a blessing to her when she is around."

 

so, get to it!

 

my .02

June of

Edited February 21, 2011 by June & Ward

[J_W]

per Kathy written to another husband!

Posted 10 July 2010 - 06:41 PM

 

Quote

ok, this is the 4th time that I have tried to post this so I'm going to make it short and sweet. I haven't posted in a while because my attitude sucks. Carnine wants me to post everyday and I don't want to. I don't ever have anything to say or write and the stuff I do post is always the same. I know I have a "craptitude" and that you all will nail me to the wall because of it. I have to be transparent if I am going to earn Carnines trust. I do want to do this and be the husband she needs me to be, I'm stuck right now and know a tantrum is coming if I don't get it out in the open now. Well, that's it. I'm going to try this again and see if it posts.

Balaam

 

 

 

Hi there. I know you don't want to do post and I know it is hard for guys, but it is important.

 

Sometimes in life you have to do things that you think are not necessary, but you will reap the benefit of the "doing" in due season.

 

When my kids were little, I would have them clean their room and do chores...which our kids thought were unnecessary for "kids.'

 

A few months ago, our daughter Jen got a job cleaning houses and she got raving reports from the owners of the house.

 

When she told me about the raving reports, I replied with "Your welcome....and smiled.

 

Even if it's a little, just post.

 

 

Quote

This is little more than empty words and I'm tired of hearing them. LOVE me!!! Give me the opportunity to SEE that the life of which I dream is a future reality rather than a fairy tale. You SAY you don't want to listen to the lies anymore and yet, when you have to face something you don't want to you seek them out for comfort. This marriage is dying. I cannot resurrect it. You must choose to feed life into it before it's too late. We are all counting on you. Please don't let us down, again.

 

 

Faith without Works is DEAD.

 

Talk is cheap without ACTIONS!

 

How about if I say that a little LOUDER.

 

TALK IS CHEAP WITHOUT ACTIONS.

 

That means DOING what she NEEDS you to do, without RESENTMENT!

 

EVERY wife is looking for ACTION. GOD is looking for ACTION.

 

You can do this. You can listen to your wife's heart. You can decide NOT to dwell on yourself and learn to focus OUT.

 

Do you see, that by FOCUSING OUT and FOCUS on your wife and children, that helps you to step out of "selfishness" because you are not being selfish.

 

It seems to me that you have not made the DECISION to live this life. You WANT to live this life, but you have not DECIDED to live this life.

 

I might have told the story at the intensive about the 75 year old man that came to our intensive.

 

He grew up in the Mafia, and that is all he knew. He neither new how to read or write. He had avoided prision on many different occassions.

 

At one point in their marriage, they decided to get out of the Mafia and had to go hide for a season.

 

Their marriage was so bad, that his wife begged him one day to "take her life." She said to him that since you had taken others lives, taking mine should be no problem to you.

 

Then, they found or book. Because he could not read, he had to listen to the book on cd and it changed his life.

 

I asked him, when you got through the book, was it half the battle when YOU decided to live this life.....

 

his reply was, NO, it was the WHOLE BATTLE!

 

Once the DECISION was made, the struggle was over, it was just a matter of walking it out.

 

Jesus wasn't STILL deciding if her was going to lay his life down for the BRIDE while on the way to the CROSS. NO, the DECISION was made in the garden....Father, not my will, but yours.

 

The price is WORTH IT. The results are AMAZING.

 

As I said, while you were here, "make the decision THIS WEEKEND, before you go home....THIS WEEKEND is your Garden of where Jesus made his decision.

 

Father, is there any other way???? Not MY will, but yours.

 

It was JESUS (THE HUSBAND) who went to the cross for the BRIDE. Who laid his life down for the BRIDE.

 

YOU HAVEN'T MADE THE DECISION THAT THIS IS THE LIFE.

 

YOU want the results of THIS LIFE WITHOUT paying the price to get it.

 

The longer you CHOOSE NOT to live this life, the longer it will take to get to an OHM.....IF your wife is STILL waiting and giving you a chance.

 

Sounds like, you are on the verge of falling off the cliff.

 

Back away from the cliff, lets get back on track and follow what we are telling you ....but not just in WORDS.......ACTIONS PLEASE!

 

Ask her what you can DO, to show her some beginning steps that you are SINCERE.....and

 

DO THEM......PERIOD.

 

I hope you will choose to DO this, before it is too late.

 

Sadly, some guys CHOOSE not to BELIEVE their wife....CHOOSE not to LIVE with their wife in an UNDERSTANDING WAY....choose not to DO the ACTIONS their wife so desperately needs.

 

The way I have been explaining this here lately....is:

 

A wife is in the desert, dehydrating. Her husband has the ability to give her WATER....but instead of giving her WATER, he gives her an Orange or a bananna or something else....ANYTHING but what their wife NEEDS.

 

Remember, Mother/son issues???? Do you really want your Mother/Son issues to conquer you or do you want to conquer your MOTHER/SON issues?

 

Maybe you need to come back to an INTENSIVE. You don't pay us for the Intensive....You obviously pay for the airfair, hotel, food, rental car etc....but not the $590

 

A 2nd time would probably do you some good....ACTUALLY, it would do you some "GREAT."

 

Blessings for now.

 

Here is hoping you CHOOSE LIFE and not DEATH. Choose ye THIS DAY whom YOU will SERVE??? YOURSELF or GOD. If God, then you choose to DO the actions without resentment that your wife NEEDS.

 

Kathy of Joel and Kathy

[J_W]

WHERE ARE YOU and WHY aren't you posting and answering the questions, especially replying to the things that Marpay is pointing out on your thread?

 

Your laughing at her and belittling her for not being able to trust that you are not into porn is unacceptable. HOW could she trust you? you are an abusive husband and have defrauded her plenty.

The fact that you have yet to properly apologize for MISSING blessing your bride on Valentine's Day is puzzling (to say the least)...

 

You SAID you wanted to win back your wife's heart. DO you want to win back your wife's heart?

YES or NO

 

 

 

June of

[Pure in Heart]

duart,

 

A man who would laugh at his wife for asking him a straightforward question is a man NOT to be trusted.

 

Nervous laughter is usually because the one who has to give an answer does NOT want to answer.

 

You can not heal, nor can your family ever heal if you are not completely honest, transparent and ask for help if you are struggling here.

 

Your reaction is very revealing to me.

 

I think you are either into porn or self-gratifying/emotional affair.

 

So, I am praying, that whatever is hidden will be revealed in the light.

 

Your precious wife has been through so much with you.

 

You will not even give her the dignity of a caring and tender heart.

 

I could be wrong duart, but we know from experience that when a man will NOT CONNECT emotionally to his wife it is because he is getting his emotional needs met another way. Therefore, he does NOT NEED his wife. He self-soothes and acts out his childishness and immaturity by replacing having to grow up with wanting to stay a little boy.

 

The only way to become a man is to put away wanting his own needs met anymore and deciding he will meet a wife's needs so that she CAN feel like her husband loves her and shows it by paying close attention to her. That is what dying to yourself is.

 

Replacing immaturity with doing the grown up thing!!

 

Why is is dying?...Because everything inside you is screaming NO! You want to resist her. Resisting is the carnal man. You are resisting doing what God said to do. He told you, Do not resist her, lay down your life, right then and there.

 

When a man resists his wife, that is called mother/son issues. So every time you resist her you are actually doing the opposite of what you want to do...you are becoming MORE entrenched with them not getting free. When you get more entrenched you become more emotionally feminine NOT masculine!! You also stay immature and can even move away from God.

 

When you FEEL you are wanting her to take care of your feelings in any way then you are staying stuck in your thinking and your mind cannot be renewed and changed.

 

For example: Say, you are tired all day from work, you come home and she wants you to help with the children. Inside you are thinking and feeling, I am tired, why does she always need something now? I am resenting this. Why can't she leave me alone? I want to rest. I need to decompress. This is making me frustrated, angry.

 

Most men do not realize she is picking up on everything you are feeling about yourself and you do not even have to open your mouth.

 

Do you know how she knows?

 

Because you avoid her when you walk in the door. You do not even say, Hello, sweetheart. You moan and groan to give her clue you want to be left alone. You ignore her hoping she will back off. Her heart is wounded.

 

All of those are selfish thoughts that destroy relationship.

 

Instead of pushing past what you are feeling and loving her anyways, you GIVE INTO your feeling and emotional realm, your sinful man.

 

And then what is happening with her?

 

She starts right in,, doesn't she?

 

Why does she start responding duart?

 

Because she is feeling unloved and thinking...Why can't he just come over here and tell sweetheart I am home, I missed you darling all day. I am so glad your see your smile? Why doesn't he say loving things to me? Why is he ignoring me? Doesn't he ever think about when he is away from me all day?

 

All you would have to do is pay attention to her and show her affection...to act like you WANT to be home and thinks about her needing your time and energy.

 

Guess what happens duart when you do that...every day of your life? You KILL her.

 

If everyday, without anything but common human decency you would be kind then the result would astound you.

 

She would respond and guess what...when you come home from work she would be like, Oh honey are you tired? Can a get you something...why don't you sit down.

 

So, by NOT giving that to her you are losing out of NEVER knowing the tender and warm response of a woman.

 

You end up starving because you refused to nourish your own flesh. She is your OWN flesh.

 

The sad truth is...YOU end up destroying your own life.

 

God WILL rescue her and NOT YOU.

 

Because see, she will one day walk out and never come back. Because you deliberately withheld love you can never have love. You lose everything by holding onto SELF. YOU, however will go to person after person after person and you will end up starving them to death too.

 

You end up lost, alone, and maybe in a hell you thought were saved from.

 

Kimberly

Edited February 23, 2011 by Pure in Heart

[duartegouveia]

Hi darling,

 

I am here to post the porn details like you have requested from me.

1. This started in my teenage years roughly from about 16 yrs of age. I would look at these women in magazines which were sold at my work place. This I would say weekly.

2. When I met you, I stopped these actions because I knew you despised all that type of material as you had mentioned to me.

3. I started again, I would say 1 yr before our son was born. I would go on our home pc while you were away, and sometimes while you would be sleeping. This would be about 2-3 times a month. I would feel the guilt in myself and would pray about the situation. I would stop for about 6-8 weeks then I would fall into my weakness again. This would go on until about March last year.

4. I then fell to my lowest, and was into porn weekly, until the month of June, which then I would say 3-5 days for the next 2 months. From August I would be looking into porn about 2 days in a week.

5. This would be accessed from my computer and occasionally from my phone.

6. During this time, self gratification would be involved while looking at this material. This action would be performed anywhere at home, our bed, shower, couch.

7. All porn was stopped when I wrote, and let you know about these habits of mine, and has not resumed.

 

I hope this can be a start on bringing some healing to your heart.

Love Duarte.

[dory]

It will hurt her to read, but the transparency is necessary to begin. A woman can handle the sin MUCH BETTER than she can deal with the lies. Note: A wife is spiritually kept so off balance by his lies because her reality doesn't match up with her belief system that it drives her crazy. The only way to escape that spiritual craziness is to divorce him. Some divorce on paper, some in their hearts. But one way or another, divorce happens if the lying does not cease to exist. For where there is deception there is no relationship.

 

I pray that you will be set free by your confession to NOW be a source of life to her in your VERY redeemable future!

 

Stay in that place of being connected and transparent with her. Focus on blessing her.

[duartegouveia]

just wanting to say thankyou for all the helpers that were giving me advice during todays call. i have been doing the 20/20/20/20.....not all 20's, but more than usual today. M went off to singing practice at church this evening. I had just come gotten up from placing the children to sleep, went and sat on the couch for about 10-15 minuets when M arrived home. She satarted to eat a meal that I had prepared, finished it and went on her pc to buy some stationary for the children. right after that her sister called for assistance with her work, so M started to help her. She then went to her room, and I joined her, then asked M if she would like to share any feelings with me during. She was pretty bitter about lots of things that I still have not achieved and I agreed to all she was saying and appologised for not doing all the duties that I have been promising. i have posted the details that she requested about my porn activity over the years on her forum....she would like to work from that as a starting point.

 

again i would like to thank you all for the help and advice you have again provided!!

[J_W]

Thank you for returning to the forum -- and for proceeding forward in hugs, smiles, kisses, compliments -- VERY VERY IMPORTANT

 

It is great that ya'll were on the conference call yesterday.

 

It is important at this point that you read through the most recent portions of your thread -- and reply to the questions that are being asked of you...

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/3678-troubled-wife/page__view__findpost__p__109546

 

We are here to help you on your journey to become a Christlike husband -- and to help bring healing to your bride.

 

Thank you.

June of

Edited March 1, 2011 by June & Ward