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Am praying that this time while your wife is home will be great for all of you! I'd really encourage both of you to get on the call tonight with Jeff and Heather
Hello PFH.... I AM going to try go out of my way and give it my best...just so I can bring restoration and healing to my wifes heart!!! This is one thing I truly need to get right,and God knows that is what I WANT...even if it has a RoUgH start!!!! I WILL get it right...with Gods help! Thankyou for all the support everyone on this fourm and ministry has given my wife, she truly NEEDS it..God bless you all!!

I am on the calls tonight...My wife unable to be on due to bussiness mettings....hope to get to learn much more.

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Duarte;

Read your wife's thread; what a great job you did today at initiating a few positive things! I thought this was so sweet of your wife to post this:

 

"This morning I was surprised by him asking the kids..."what is daddy?" they both yelled.... "Superman Daddy!!!!" So sweet.... he actually followed through...."

 

 

You'll have to get on the call tomorrow night with John and Susan (Friday afternoon your time); and let John know that you're following through with his suggestion! What a blessing it must have been to your wife to see you following through and completing some tasks that you'd been promising you'd do; keep being very proactive here! Glad you got time to listen in to some of the call tonight; Ken gave some good tips for husbands to follow; and Brandt also gave a good testimony of how this ministry has been an awesome help to him in working to win his wife's heart back! God bless you as you continue to learn how to treat your wife with godly, agape love!

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Duarte;

Read your wife's thread; what a great job you did today at initiating a few positive things! I thought this was so sweet of your wife to post this:

 

"This morning I was surprised by him asking the kids..."what is daddy?" they both yelled.... "Superman Daddy!!!!" So sweet.... he actually followed through...."

 

 

You'll have to get on the call tomorrow night with John and Susan (Friday afternoon your time); and let John know that you're following through with his suggestion! What a blessing it must have been to your wife to see you following through and completing some tasks that you'd been promising you'd do; keep being very proactive here! Glad you got time to listen in to some of the call tonight; Ken gave some good tips for husbands to follow; and Brandt also gave a good testimony of how this ministry has been an awesome help to him in working to win his wife's heart back! God bless you as you continue to learn how to treat your wife with godly, agape love!

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Dearte;

How's it going there with loving and blessing your wife? Are you really being very proactive here in showing her that you really love her, cherish her; are willing to do whatever it takes to heal her heart from all the pain she's going through? I hope that you are able to get on the call tonight and at least listen in; that will be such a help to you as you keep learning how to walk this new path of becoming the Christlike husband that your wife really needs right now!

How's the job and financial situation going? I hope that you're really stepping up here and being a great husband in this area; what have you done to make it possible for your wife to stay home with you; and work on just being a godly helpmeet and mother to your children? I am sure that deep down in her heart this is what she wants; most women have that God-given desire to focus most of their time and energy on spending time with her husband and children; I'm hoping and praying that you're earnestly working on providing a solution for the dilemma you find yourselves in regarding your finances.

Was so glad you spoke up on the call with John and Susan; he's given you some excellent advice! Now just be very motivated here; and keep doing the things that you know will be a blessing to your wife and children!

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Hi Love,

 

I felt it important to post on your thread and not sure if that is allowed or not....

 

Just wanted you to know how important it is to me that you post here and that you do the calls. Our marriage depends on this and you need to get these things going if you want our marriage to survive. It has been weeks and you have only posted seven times... not a good reflection of your commitment....

 

It's NOW or NEVER!!!

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It has been weeks and you have only posted seven times... not a good reflection of your commitment....

 

Amen.

 

Posting here is one of the easier things you can do to improve your marriage. If you can't bring yourself to do that, how are you going to stay consistent with the harder stuff?

 

In my experience, the men who refuse to post eventually end up divorced. Just so you know.

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DG,

 

Just have a moment to throw a quick encouragement your direction - when I was starting out in this process, I made a commitment to try to post every day. My goal was to show my wife that this mattered, and that I was serious about learning, about changing, and about our marriage - it became a LOT more to me than just a task to do every day. For me, posting first thing in the morning worked out best for me...

 

I found that it put me in a completely different state of mind, first thing, every day - it made me reflect on how the previous day had gone, and it opened a door to communicate more closely with God, as I would ask Him, every morning, "What do You want me to learn about yesterday? What do You want my focus to be on today? What would You have me do to bless my wife today?" - and, then I would work on my post, in my head, until I could get on the computer and post. The time to post is a good time for inward reflection, and it's the one time when you are actually ENCOURAGED to review your "state of mind" - review it, pray about it, write about it, purge it, and then move on to a new day and new ways to bless your wife...

 

Additionally, posting every day helped me to develop a GOOD habit, and it opened up lines of communication between my wife and I, and the helpers and I, that kept me focused on moving forward and getting my head in the right place. Anything that you can do to open up SAFE lines of communication for your wife is GOOD, especially when you are INITIATING the conversation instead of RESPONDING. In my opinion, anything and everything that you can do to INITIATE positive and loving actions is a step in the right direction - and, if it just so happens that something YOU think will be a "positive and loving action" isn't something that your wife feels the same way about, then you will learn and you will choose differently the next time...

 

It's all about learning to be someone NEW and the Man that God designed YOU to be.

 

HerDensity

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hello, friend...

 

i am not a helper, but i have been getting to know your wife over on her thread. she is hurting greatly and has been VERY expressive about her heart, which takes enormous courage.

 

i just want to encourage you to be ESPECIALLY sensitive and attentive to her right now (this should be a chronic condition for you, anyway!)....she mentioned that you send her beautiful picture-texts, and that she appreciates this....but she also said she would like to hear your WORDS and affirmations. she said specifically that this would speak to her heart.

 

have you sent her any affirming messages? maybe couple these WITH a beautiful photograph.....then she could have both. :)

 

she is on life-support, friend. YOU need to give her some oxygen. if she is too hurt to spend time with you, you could leave her things where she can be blessed by them. for instance, run her a bath and light her some candles. or buy her a massage or spa-treatment. you can plant things in her path that will bless her and provide her some respite from the ache in her heart. be gentle and nurturing.

 

you are her gardener. be tender.

 

praying for you both.

 

love,

heartsong

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hello to all......THANKYOU for all the encouragement and help everyone has provided, especially to my wife!!!

all was going well until I wrote her an appology letter as was requested, letting her know all my faults and providing her with a sincere appology.

She has been deeply hurt by me decieving and lieing to her. She has said that I shouldn't bother sending her lovely msg etc.

So where to from now???? Not even sure if she wants to me to say hello........its been pretty quiet. I have been letting the children speak to her, but have not said much myself because it feels to me like she is not interested.

 

I AM going to post more often!!!!! I appologise to my WIFE 1st of all, and all those careing CHILDREN of God!!!

I had posted yesterday......when I pressed the "Add Reply" the web page it lost connection!!!(sorry not trying to making excuses)I guess i've posted so little it dosen't make a diffrence!! IT WILL CHANGE...

 

As heartsong has explained, this man is not for your welfare and well-being. He is married and just as your husband should never meet the emotional needs of another woman, so too with this man. That is an emotional connection for him also and this will cause him to break connection with his wife and deeply wound her. It also keeps him in his own immaturity, the abuse of which will be taken out on his own wife. He will disconnect from her and wound her. This is not only to protect you but also this innocent wife.
From my wifes post...

 

This is most probably what I should be responding about.......but it brings out so much truth!!!! I had agreed to let my wife work with this "friend" just because of her bussinesses consequences!!!

But just as Pure In Heart has mentioned above....it does bother me as I feel this friend influences my wifes decisions...he has told her that he is working on his marrige...but a few days ago he sent my wife a txt msg saying "love and adore you because she is the most wonderful person"......

My wife told me it was just a time of weekness on his side.......(this is what's flowing out of his heart)will he ever get over it!!!! is what bothers me.....

 

As i mentioned above, I have sent her an appology......something personal between her and me. (which I will share in a later stage on the forum) but it bothers me that she says he gives her support in her emotional times......has she been sharing with this friend all that happens between me and her???? has she brought up these personal issues between me and her with this friend??? and if so what right has he in knowing what wrongs I have made.......

 

My wife sent me a reply wanting answers to my actions.....I have gladly replied....we needed truth, so I have spilt the beans.

 

thankyou again to all you wonderful people!!!

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hello, friend.

 

i dont know if anyone will agree with me...

 

but i think you are right. this "ISNT what you should be responding" to. i'm not saying you dont have some valid concerns or feelings or worry. but you also dont have a leg to stand on, friend, as long as you keep focusing on your wife and what you think she is doing wrong.

 

you're concerned that she may have shared your deceptive, treacherous behavior with some other man???

 

your concern is focused poorly. and it shows a very self-centered heart. your deceptive and abusive behavior DROVE HER to this place. i dont feel as if you realize this. you are not a victim, here. you are the perpetrator of this mess, the maistro, the engineer.

 

you are the one waving the conductor's wand, and you dont like the music coming out.

 

there is only one solution: re-write the symphony.

 

its true that your wife is in peril. but it seems from what you are writing that your MAIN concern is how this scenario she is involved in with the other man effects YOU. your concern should be regarding how this is effecting HER heart, HER spirit, HER well-being.

 

i'm not saying i dont understand the hurt you feel or that you want to keep your wife. of course you do, on both counts. but you're the one who threw her aside. lets get honest.

 

i am VERY glad to hear you have brought your hidden sins and lies to the light. that is step ONE in getting this right. BRA-VO.

 

but your thoughts should be consumed with how your wife is feeling. not for your sake and how it will effect YOU, but in HER interest.

 

you've said she doesnt want you to send her any nice messages. she is feeling gutted and turned upside-down, i'm sure. you can still bless her by doing things for her that dont require any intimacy with you. maybe reading love notes from you is too much right now. can you blame her? but BLESSING her for the sheer sake of her own comfort is something you can do, easily.

 

i gave you some ideas above. you can create chances for her to rest and feel loved without forcing relationship upon her. leave her gifts. run her a bath and then take the kids out. do things that will allow her to take much needed time to be comforted, to process, and to relax.

 

its not possible for her to trust your heart right now. but you need to start creating the association that YOU are a place of rest and safety for her. give her this in any way you can. LOVE her. for her, not for you.

 

you can do this.

 

i'm praying for your house!!!

 

love,

heartsong

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hello heartsong,

 

I am all up for that.....thankyou, and will do all possible to be a blessing. The thing is, she she does not seem to be intrested at all in whatever or however I try. I'm so confused in what she she is looking for right now......it seems to me that she wants to deal with nothing right now, and wants to be left alone.....it seems to me she wants me to act, but at the same time wants nothing to do with me.......????? i'm LOST!!! :unsure:

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yes, you're right on all of this...

 

she DOESNT want anything to do with you, and yet she NEEDS you to fight. you have to do everything you can DESPITE what you are getting back.

 

i dont mean not to watch for her responses carefully in order to best love her. do this with great study! but i mean you cannot be loving her right now with the hopes or intention of "connecting" or feeling close or getting any kind of positivity back. she is in emotional ICU. total coma.

 

you need to have the consistency and faith to WIN her heart back, EVEN THOUGH she will be feeling and saying that it will never work.

 

be sensitive. she is feeling totally abandoned, starved, betrayed, and even dead inside.

 

imagine a scared kitty under the stove. you cant reach for it....it will only retreat further and get freaked out. you need to leave warm milk somewhere near and then speak gently while backing away. wait from a short distance. maybe even out of view for a time. then you can take one step closer....but NOT TOO CLOSE....

 

you will need the patience and dedication of Jesus. this is the time to mirror His shepherding. since you have no experience in this area, you will need to stick VERY CLOSE to this ministry and the people here to help you every step of the way. this is open heart surgery, soldier. all hands on deck. your eyes should be fixed on your lamb at ALL TIMES. your heart should be fixed on your lamb at ALL TIMES. you left her out in the wilderness and you need to find her. she is TERRIFIED and bleeding.

 

do NOT give in to making this about you.

 

what have you done in the last day to bless her? bubble baths? did you make her breakfast? did you find her favorite juice at the store and bring it to her bedside upon waking? did you help the children to make "we love mommy" cards and leave them where she can find them? did you buy her a certificate to her favorite nail spa? did you pick her a rose and leave it by the bathroom mirror?

 

your kind gestures will feel horribly confusing at first. she will be crushed and furious, observing the kind of love she should have ALWAYS received and recognizing she never got it. it will remind her of starving. but she ALSO will be nourished.....sloooooooowly......

 

when she sees the rose on the sink, for instance, her heart will scream, "you are a liar and you never loved me, truly, and i wanted this from you the whole time but you left me and didnt care!!!!"

 

but it will ALSO whisper, very, very quietly, "he is fighting for me."

 

KEEP FIGHTING FOR HER. quiet, steadfast fighting. the only thing that will convince her of your change is your consistent, steady acts of selflessness.

 

so get to it! what have you done for her lately? please let us know:

 

much love,

heartsong

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hi to all you wonderful people,

 

I would just love to say thankyou for all your support these past weeks, it has been such a dificuilt time for my wife and I these past few days. Like I mentioned on my previous posts, I had sent my wife an appology letter.....thing have gotten to a stage that she has put all on hold, her heart has become soooooooo closed to all actions from my side.

she DOESNT want anything to do with you, and yet she NEEDS you to fight. you have to do everything you can DESPITE what you are getting back.

your have hit the nail to the head..........at this stage it feels imposible. she has so much negative emotions going on in her mind........how does someone get through to her. ALL I do is WRONG!!!! she is like a hawk waiting to pound on any movement I make.....there is nothing done by me that is deserving. I was amazed this evening when she actualy said politely "may you please move over" instead of her usual tone of "move over" this was while I was busy in the kitchen, and she needed to get to the cupboard.

 

The whole day has been so dull Im not sure how to aproach her or should I say how to be the trying husband when that is what i feel she dosent want.....I dont want to hurt her by doing/saying things she doesn't want!!!how do we go on????

 

I went to fetch her at the airport this morrning with the children. I didn't even know how to approach her.....do I just say "hello" or "give her a hug" etc. all the things I done before I sent her the appology. (I gave her a kiss....it was like both of us were waiting to see the others reaction on what to DO) I brought her some flowers to greet her.

 

The children were glad to see her, and never stopped talking. I tried to iniciate conversations, but I saw she didint seem interested, her replies were short. Understandable, but frustrating when you are trying to win her heart but it's rock hard!!

 

I went on her post this evening, and read how she feels and what she had to say. I was shocked at the things she believes.......and I am unable to reply on her thoughts as it's called being

self righteous

I obviously havent gone to sleep, and so am going to post the appology letter that I had sent to her in hope and faith, that God through all his loving and careing children and decipels may be help us in our OHM....

God Bless you ALL!!!!

 

My Loving wife, I would like to apologise for the cruel behaviour I have initiated during the whole period we have lived together, by putting you through soooooo much hurt and heart breaking pain, endless tears, broken dreams, broken promises, lost joys, for having a nonexistent husband......but most of all.......being the cause of loosing YOURSELF.... your joyful SPIRIT, that GOD blessed you with the day you were created by His LOVE!!!! And being born with that LOVE!!!

 

Forgive me for lying to you, and GOD and being a lie to you all these years.....for being the person that you least expected. For making broken promises. For Ignoring your cry’s for help....for letting those words fall on deaf ears. Making you feel unwanted and cheap by my selfish behaviours, by desiring sexual deeds at times that are not appropriate and by not satisfying your needs, emotions and placing you before my feelings. Making you the LEAST on my list, by not placing you in the centre of my life.....you deserved to be treated as the air I breathe, and not like the dirt I walked on!! Sorry for belittling you...by always talking over you whenever you spoke. For sarcastically joking about things concerning you, and so breaking down your self image. I apologise for having looked at and bringing indecent images (phonograph) between us during our marriage. Sorry for being the weakness in the family, for not playing my role as a husband, a father, for not being what Christ was to the church. Forgive me for having let you and our children down by not being a father figure one should be, by not diseplining them....for being their friend and not their dad!!!! Sorry for placing our marriage in jeopardy, for making you WEAK!! Forgive me for being weak, and for not fighting for my family. For sexually satisfying myself (alone)....while you are fighting emotions. Sorry that I tried to create friendships during our troubled times by registering with an online chat/dating/relationship site (one thing that I have not told you about) I am truly sorry love.... Forgive me for being so jealous over your friendship with your friend.......and just because of my selfishness. I apologise for always having to say more negative things about you, than positive.....for bringing these saying before friends and family, for breaking you down and ripping out your heart, by taking away the air you breathe because of my deeds. Sorry for have been so layed back, by watching and expecting you to do so much home duties....and including, having to let you deal with ALL my own responsibilities. I should be the initiator, and I have failed that.....by not leading the family, not taking charge of decisions, responsibilities and duties....forgive me for not joining you when you do activities with our children, for not socializing with your work friends, for not wanting to join you when you have social events and for not initiating conversations. For never HOLDING you, and distancing myself from you in front of the public, I apologise for always hiding my emotions and feelings and never wanting to talk to you about what bothers YOU, and how YOU feel!!! Forgive me for never showing you the love and affection you deserve and NEED!! I apologise for making you an emotional wreck, for never growing up with you, supporting you, loving you, and never being Christ like......these are a fraction of what I have done to hurt you........all I can say right now is SORRY MY LOVE...from the depth of my heart for all the hurt I have created, and that it is the start of the restoration and healing possess that YOU DESERVE!!!!!

I LOVE YOU DARLING......FORGIVE ME.

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hi to all you wonderful people,

 

I would just love to say thankyou for all your support these past weeks, it has been such a dificuilt time for my wife and I these past few days. Like I mentioned on my previous posts, I had sent my wife an appology letter.....thing have gotten to a stage that she has put all on hold, her heart has become soooooooo closed to all actions from my side.

 

your have hit the nail to the head..........at this stage it feels imposible. she has so much negative emotions going on in her mind........how does someone get through to her. ALL I do is WRONG!!!! she is like a hawk waiting to pound on any movement I make.....there is nothing done by me that is deserving. I was amazed this evening when she actualy said politely "may you please move over" instead of her usual tone of "move over" this was while I was busy in the kitchen, and she needed to get to the cupboard.

 

The whole day has been so dull Im not sure how to aproach her or should I say how to be the trying husband when that is what i feel she dosent want.....I dont want to hurt her by doing/saying things she doesn't want!!!how do we go on????

 

I went to fetch her at the airport this morrning with the children. I didn't even know how to approach her.....do I just say "hello" or "give her a hug" etc. all the things I done before I sent her the appology. (I gave her a kiss....it was like both of us were waiting to see the others reaction on what to DO) I brought her some flowers to greet her.

 

The children were glad to see her, and never stopped talking. I tried to iniciate conversations, but I saw she didint seem interested, her replies were short. Understandable, but frustrating when you are trying to win her heart but it's rock hard!!

 

I went on her post this evening, and read how she feels and what she had to say. I was shocked at the things she believes.......and I am unable to reply on her thoughts as it's called being

I obviously havent gone to sleep, and so am going to post the appology letter that I had sent to her in hope and faith, that God through all his loving and careing children and decipels may be help us in our OHM....

God Bless you ALL!!!!

 

My Loving wife, I would like to apologise for the cruel behaviour I have initiated during the whole period we have lived together, by putting you through soooooo much hurt and heart breaking pain, endless tears, broken dreams, broken promises, lost joys, for having a nonexistent husband......but most of all.......being the cause of loosing YOURSELF.... your joyful SPIRIT, that GOD blessed you with the day you were created by His LOVE!!!! And being born with that LOVE!!!

 

Forgive me for lying to you, and GOD and being a lie to you all these years.....for being the person that you least expected. For making broken promises. For Ignoring your cry’s for help....for letting those words fall on deaf ears. Making you feel unwanted and cheap by my selfish behaviours, by desiring sexual deeds at times that are not appropriate and by not satisfying your needs, emotions and placing you before my feelings. Making you the LEAST on my list, by not placing you in the centre of my life.....you deserved to be treated as the air I breathe, and not like the dirt I walked on!! Sorry for belittling you...by always talking over you whenever you spoke. For sarcastically joking about things concerning you, and so breaking down your self image. I apologise for having looked at and bringing indecent images (phonograph) between us during our marriage. Sorry for being the weakness in the family, for not playing my role as a husband, a father, for not being what Christ was to the church. Forgive me for having let you and our children down by not being a father figure one should be, by not diseplining them....for being their friend and not their dad!!!! Sorry for placing our marriage in jeopardy, for making you WEAK!! Forgive me for being weak, and for not fighting for my family. For sexually satisfying myself (alone)....while you are fighting emotions. Sorry that I tried to create friendships during our troubled times by registering with an online chat/dating/relationship site (one thing that I have not told you about) I am truly sorry love.... Forgive me for being so jealous over your friendship with your friend.......and just because of my selfishness. I apologise for always having to say more negative things about you, than positive.....for bringing these saying before friends and family, for breaking you down and ripping out your heart, by taking away the air you breathe because of my deeds. Sorry for have been so layed back, by watching and expecting you to do so much home duties....and including, having to let you deal with ALL my own responsibilities. I should be the initiator, and I have failed that.....by not leading the family, not taking charge of decisions, responsibilities and duties....forgive me for not joining you when you do activities with our children, for not socializing with your work friends, for not wanting to join you when you have social events and for not initiating conversations. For never HOLDING you, and distancing myself from you in front of the public, I apologise for always hiding my emotions and feelings and never wanting to talk to you about what bothers YOU, and how YOU feel!!! Forgive me for never showing you the love and affection you deserve and NEED!! I apologise for making you an emotional wreck, for never growing up with you, supporting you, loving you, and never being Christ like......these are a fraction of what I have done to hurt you........all I can say right now is SORRY MY LOVE...from the depth of my heart for all the hurt I have created, and that it is the start of the restoration and healing possess that YOU DESERVE!!!!!

I LOVE YOU DARLING......FORGIVE ME.

 

quite honestly, I would be angry if Ward gave me such a letter. You are putting it ALL on her. "forgive me" FORGIVE ME

over and over and over and over

It is all about HER forgiving YOU... with glimpses of the ownership of the pain you caused her.

 

why should she forgive you? you have not "shown" her in actions that you are worthy of forgiveness.

 

sure wish you would re-read the apology letter thread on this forum:

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/forum/5-ministry-to-men-who-are-working-to-win-their-wifes-heart-back/

 

btw: smiling at her sweetly will help -- but mostly, for now, you need to re-write your apology leaving "your needs" (of being forgiven) OUT OF IT.

 

these are just my .02 of opinion,

June of

Edited by Ward & June
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June is right. You made a good attempt, and I believe you meant it, but you made it all about you. Most of the men who come here do that with their first attempt, simply because they haven't yet learned how NOT to make it all about them.

 

Try again, and this time post it here first, so we can help you with it.

 

Remember that you need to be initiating right now, even if she doesn't respond as you would like. Talking yourself out of 20/20/20/20 because you think she doesn't want it is simply shooting yourself in the foot. She may not want any physical contact right now, but only half of the 20/20/20/20 is physical - you can smile at her and compliment her without touching her.

 

Please read this thread: http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/906-self-gratification-and-maintaining-sexual-integrity/ Make sure you read it all the way to the end so you don't miss Heartsong's amazing posts. You need to understand how your wife is feeling right now.

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oh, man.

 

i am REALLY glad you came clean, friend. but i DO hope you read what i wrote to another friend here so that you can see how deeply traumatzing your treachery has been to the heart of your wife. i am aching for her.

 

i also agree with what the other ladies have pointed out....and its so nice that you have this place to bounce thoughts off of BEFORE you take them to your wife so that the helpers can help craft and mold you into the man she needs you to be! take advantage of that to the fullest and allow for the correction and advice!

 

something else struck me in your post....you said, "we were both waiting to see the others' reaction" or something to this effect, regarding your moment when you reunited at the airport. this immediately hooked into my heart as i believe it strikes at the core of your relational breakdown. you should NEVER BE LOOKING TO HER, "gauging her reaction" to figure out how you will then "respond". YOU need to love her FIRST. FIRST. regardless if she gives back what you like, desire, or prefer, regardless if you fear rejection, regardless if she isnt seeming "interested"....

 

you show up and be SOLID in your role: gardener.

 

a gardener doesnt say to himself, "i wonder if the plants will grow ten miles today when i water them. hm....nothing seems to be happening....i guess i'll just not stop by tomorrow. this doesnt seem to be panning out."

 

a gardener CAREFULLY studies, reads up, researches climates, soil conditions, and light needs. he is steadfast and patient. he waits and waits. he administers the proper amounts of care by DAILY showing up, regardless of the "pay-off". the pay off will come....but it may take seasons to get there. he knows this, because he is wise. he isnt looking for immediate gratification. he isnt looking for anything at all. he is simply CARING for his garden, wanting only to see it one day bloom.

 

the beauty of the harvest is his reward.

 

then it will become a place of rest for him. he will walk among the blossoms and smell the fragrances and know that all is well.

 

YOU show up. period.

 

keep at it, dear soldier!!

 

we are all cheering for you and excited to see the work you will do!!

 

much love,

heartsong

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June is right. You made a good attempt, and I believe you meant it, but you made it all about you. Most of the men who come here do that with their first attempt, simply because they haven't yet learned how NOT to make it all about them.

 

Try again, and this time post it here first, so we can help you with it.

Thanks W&J and LT......you are quite right June....thankyou for the direction. I had a look into that appology that you said I should look at, and it IS an awesome one.......I'm just not a person who can come up with such meaningful words...

Try again, and this time post it here first, so we can help you with it.

I would gladly like to re-post the appology for LT and you to have a look at first, but whats the diffrence, as my wife knows my name on the forum and reads my posts...as do I, hers???

 

She may not want any physical contact right now, but only half of the 20/20/20/20 is physical - you can smile at her and compliment her without touching her.

I know that, that is what she does not want and need right now, that is why I had mentioned the part when i met her at the airport...

something else struck me in your post....you said, "we were both waiting to see the others' reaction" or something to this effect, regarding your moment when you reunited at the airport. this immediately hooked into my heart as i believe it strikes at the core of your relational breakdown. you should NEVER BE LOOKING TO HER, "gauging her reaction" to figure out how you will then "respond". YOU need to love her FIRST. FIRST. regardless if she gives back what you like, desire, or prefer, regardless if you fear rejection, regardless if she isnt seeming "interested"....

I know the last thing she wants is me being physical....and I have decided to sleep elsewhere, as I dont want her to feel uncomfortable....that is why I felt and reacted like I did at the airport.....I dont need to cause her more discomfort!!

 

It has been pretty down today, and I will make an effort in making life more plesant!!!!!

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I know the last thing she wants is me being physical....and I have decided to sleep elsewhere, as I dont want her to feel uncomfortable....that is why I felt and reacted like I did at the airport.....I dont need to cause her more discomfort!!

 

It has been pretty down today, and I will make an effort in making life more plesant!!!!!

 

Please ask her nicely if she wants you to remain in the bedroom with her ... or else what you are doing is abandoning her. let HER tell you how she is feeling -- ASK HER. don't just assume -- your track record is that you are pretty bad at knowing how she is feeling, right? Surprisingly, she would have liked for you to have at least attempted to hug her at the airport and tell her how beautiful she is. do not assume you know.... you are to be PRO-active in blessing her in as many ways as possible.

 

so,

LISTEN to your bride

apologize as needed

affirm her and compliment her OFTEN

smile at her OFTEN

touch her anytime you are near her, hugging if she will allow you to do so, with cheerfulness

 

I loved the analogy of you (the husband) being the gardener (that Heartsong wrote above) -- again, it is about YOU being PRO-active with the positives.

If you are a Christian, you have the Spirit inside you, and the Fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience (long-suffering), gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, self-control

Aren't these better attributes to respond to instead of fear and doubt and insecurity? Most assuredly, and your bride NEEDS to see you walking in the Fruit of the Spirit.

 

Please review the threads again at: http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/forum/5-ministry-to-men-who-are-working-to-win-their-wifes-heart-back/

 

You CAN do this.

 

prayerfully,

June of

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just dropping by with a post that Michael & Annalea (of the CA Marriage Intensive) posted on their blog... hope it will help you and your bride

 

Michael landed on something great during one of our weekly ministry calls a couple of weeks ago;

Guys ~ get out of your wife's head. Don't assume how your wife will react to something you do or say. Instead, do the right thing (be Christlike) and let her decide how to react.

Trust that when you do the right things, the desire that God has put into her heart will come back to life toward you and then enjoy the results when she begins to respond warmly. Don't decide that she is going to reject you and then live from that. Get out of her head.

 

Ladies: (they have a message for the ladies, but you are the husband!)

 

Assuming that you know what the other is thinking and feeling can work against you and the marriage. Remember, you're both coming from a different place now so don't set each other up for failure. Walk out what you're learning together and set your marriage up for success!

 

blessings and prayers,

June of

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Duarte;

Your wife is very wounded and hurt by finding out things that you'd hidden from her; then lied about it; now is the time to REALLY step up and learn how to live the life of a Christlike man, 100% of the time; every day of the year; not just sometimes when you want to make people believe that you're the innocent party in this marriage mess you find yourselves in! To continue to deflect the attention off of yourself and what you've done to break your marriage vows; and put the blame back on her (even passively) is wrong; it's not being a Christlike husband in any way, nor does that show her sincere, agape love!

So I'd strongly encourage you to get plugged back into all the help this ministry offers; start honestly posting here for advice and help without defending yourself, excusing yourself, placing blame on your wife; then start doing whatever she asks you to do to bring healing to her heart! It would be very helpful if you would get on the conference call Wednesday evening with Jeff & Heather; they've been a huge help to other passive husbands who sincerely want to learn how to change the abusive behavior that keeps hurting and wounding their wives! All the helpers here have given you excellent advice, take time to start at the beginning of your thread and re-read all the posts; as well as the many threads in this section from other husbands who are also working to win their wive's hearts back!

Hope to see some consistent effort here soon; will keep praying for you and your family!

Edited by PlansForHope
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So I'd strongly encourage you to get plugged back into all the help this ministry offers; start honestly posting here for advice and help without defending yourself, excusing yourself, placing blame on your wife; then start doing whatever she asks you to do to bring healing to her heart! It would be very helpful if you would get on the conference call Wednesday evening with Jeff & Heather;

greatly appreciate your help and encouragment PlansForHope. I got some clarity on my behavior and the effect it has taken on my wife during the call we had today (your monday). It has been a good eye opener, in having to realize my wifes needs...

I know she needs to see the "DOING" action on my side, to lift up her spirit and faith. It has been so wonderful to hear her over the phone when she talks with the children and me. she sounds so sweet,joyful and happy!! I had sent her a g'dnight message last night as I went early to bed, and was amazed that she replied.......it was nearly midnight and I heared my phone beep with the incoming txt.........she's such a wonderful person and soooooo trying to overcome the emotional damage in her heart and mind created by ME!!!

I will jump on all the calls that I am able to.....NO BUTS!! (it is a bit tricky, as it is midday here when the calls are on and we need to juggle between work)

 

SOOOOO looking forward to seeing her tomorrow!!!

 

G'Dnight to all you wonderful children in Christ.

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