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@Chrysallis. First you accuse me of having an STD and you might have went alittle too far with your comments and accusations about my family. Please be a bit more respectful. I didn't get back to Brooklyn in time for the Fireworks. Not my parents. So throw your stones at my glasshouse. As for my mother's beach day, I went to Long Island in morning and she didn't know that I was coming. I tried calling her but I got no answer. And the only reason I had some of New Yorker's thing and my Air Conditioner at my mother's house because my mom offered that I can use my old room and attic as storage.

 

 

@Ira- sorry about the prior post. This is what happened, so on Sunday night, New Yorker needed her things like her CDs, Hair Dryer, and some other items which are in a sports bag in my mother's house. She also complained about the heat so I told her that I would bring my other AC unit since my roommate is using the other one in my room. I spoke to my dad and he told he could give me a ride back to Brooklyn from Long Island. Also my cousin Christian will be in Long Island so definitely wanted a chance to see him since I haven’t seen him since my trip to Peru 6 years ago. These plans were made like late the prior night so i knew my mother was sleeping. Also after that, me and my wife made a schedule for the next day. (errands and such). Yes we made a tentative schedule for 6:30 pm for me to get back to Brooklyn so that we can catch the fireworks. Well the next day all went as planned but I still couldn’t get in touch my mother. When I arrived in Long Island, I got in touch with her and she was away. The meeting had to be changed for 5 which would make it very difficult for us to get back to Brooklyn at 6:30. After getting to my mom’s house, there were some issues that came up and I had to deal with them. After that I went to my uncle’s house to see my cousin. I admit that we took longer than expected at my uncle’s house . Once I saw my cousin for alittle bit, we were on our way to Brooklyn. There was some bumps along the road. As a result, I didn’t make it on time. So that is the story.

 

New Yorker, I know my apologies are now just words but I am really sorry. Not sure how I can make it up to you. I wish I could change the circumstances.

I think the apology needs to be more on the fact that one, you were supposed to have her things before she even got here and two that you did take longer then needed visiting and that in itself is choosing your family over your wife. She still is not your number ope priority, and for this season she really should be. We all understand circumstances but at this point you need to take accountability for the fact that you procrastination and did not do the things you should have to prepare for your wife's arrival.

 

I just want you to know that i would feel hurt, angry and disappointed as a wife if you did this to me. You actions clearly keep speaking to your wife that she is not your priority, worth planing for or worth sacrificing for. I understand you wanted to see your cousin, but you had made plans with your wife. You could have given him a big hug and told him man i really want to catch up, but i have a date with my wife. Can we schedule something before you leave?

 

Your wife is from out of the country and not only would ppl in this country die to see those fire works, but it would have been even cooler for her. It wasn't even so much about seeing the fire works tho, as much as it was about you guys spending some time together. She is really trying and as much as you don't like her post I am very proud of her for venting here like she is supposed to vs exploding on you.

 

when you do apologize it is wise to stay clear of explaining why this or that happened. I understand you have a side to this story, however you hurt your wife and you need to be accountable for the fact that if you had been more prepared it would not have happened. In adaption, when you found out your mom was at the beach you should have started to make a back up plan, like look up the train times and what not, in case you couldn't be back in time.

 

FYI one thing that will make a wife see red is that when she is hurt and angry about something her husband does, he sits there and attempts to explain his way out of it. Please do not explain, defend or invalidate your wife.

 

It is sad that your wife spent yet another holiday alone, in a city with little friends and having to listen to your roommate you know what... I would feel very angry and depressed and disrespected if i were her. I pray that you take constructive feedback and not focus on your feelings, but rather on your wife's. She is really trying and you let her down again.. regardless of the circumstances this is going to bring up the pain from every other time you did this. Please get help on the call tonight about how to properly do a lover apology regarding this hiccup and lets get you back in the game. you can do this!

These posts may be helpful!

 

http://joelandkathy....s-need-to-read/

 

listening to her:

http://joelandkathy....post__p__109587

 

VALIDATING HER PAIN:

http://joelandkathy....date-your-wife/

 

very importantly, showing her you understand HER PAIN through REPENTANCE, Cory!

http://joelandkathy....post__p__102276

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I think the apology needs to be more on the fact that one, you were supposed to have her things before she even got here and two that you did take longer then needed visiting and that in itself is choosing your family over your wife. She still is not your number ope priority, and for this season she really should be. We all understand circumstances but at this point you need to take accountability for the fact that you procrastination and did not do the things you should have to prepare for your wife's arrival.

 

I just want you to know that i would feel hurt, angry and disappointed as a wife if you did this to me. You actions clearly keep speaking to your wife that she is not your priority, worth planing for or worth sacrificing for. I understand you wanted to see your cousin, but you had made plans with your wife. You could have given him a big hug and told him man i really want to catch up, but i have a date with my wife. Can we schedule something before you leave?

 

Your wife is from out of the country and not only would ppl in this country die to see those fire works, but it would have been even cooler for her. It wasn't even so much about seeing the fire works tho, as much as it was about you guys spending some time together. She is really trying and as much as you don't like her post I am very proud of her for venting here like she is supposed to vs exploding on you.

 

when you do apologize it is wise to stay clear of explaining why this or that happened. I understand you have a side to this story, however you hurt your wife and you need to be accountable for the fact that if you had been more prepared it would not have happened. In adaption, when you found out your mom was at the beach you should have started to make a back up plan, like look up the train times and what not, in case you couldn't be back in time.

 

FYI one thing that will make a wife see red is that when she is hurt and angry about something her husband does, he sits there and attempts to explain his way out of it. Please do not explain, defend or invalidate your wife.

 

It is sad that your wife spent yet another holiday alone, in a city with little friends and having to listen to your roommate you know what... I would feel very angry and depressed and disrespected if i were her. I pray that you take constructive feedback and not focus on your feelings, but rather on your wife's. She is really trying and you let her down again.. regardless of the circumstances this is going to bring up the pain from every other time you did this. Please get help on the call tonight about how to properly do a lover apology regarding this hiccup and lets get you back in the game. you can do this!

These posts may be helpful!

 

http://joelandkathy....s-need-to-read/

 

listening to her:

http://joelandkathy....post__p__109587

 

VALIDATING HER PAIN:

http://joelandkathy....date-your-wife/

 

very importantly, showing her you understand HER PAIN through REPENTANCE, Cory!

http://joelandkathy....post__p__102276

uh oh not sure if i embedded the links properly, can a helper please give him a good link for practicing a lover apology and being understanding and validating? I am suck at computers :)

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One side note: as we did that plan for the 4th of July (and yes - it was at 11:30pm), nobody put a gun to Anberlin's head to go to Long Island while I practiced and worked out. So if you are not sure, don't go or have a plan B.

 

@Anberlin, we made out to meet in Manhattan at 6:30pm, not at Brooklyn.

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Anberlin, the real trick to making an effective apology, is to be able to comprehend the pain you have caused your wife. That is why Jensy is telling you not to explain yourself. As we have discussed, you make this about her, not you.

 

It is very difficult to understand a wife's pain. This really requires work. But with practice we can get it. The lover acronym will only work when the validation is recognizing that pain. Look back to my apology to you. Notice how instead of explaining why my post was poor, I tried to identify how I would have made you feel. I read through the post and thought to myself, how would I feel if I read this post. This is what you need to try to do when you are apologizing to NYer.

 

This is what I was telling you on the men's call Saturday as well. How would your response to NYer's outburst make her feel. While I recognize that outburst was harsh, I pointed out to you that your response was worse. Why? Because of how it would make NYer feel.

 

Spend some time exploring the pain that NYer feels. You can call upon your own experiences much like method acting. When you went through a situation that caused rejection, how did you feel. Understand you own feelings, and then realize that is how NYer feels, only as we have said 9 times more powerful for a woman then a man. You have a good heart so I know you would not want to make anyone feel the way you did, especially when it is 9 times worse.

 

Try to harness that and incorporate it into your apology. It will help a lot.

 

 

TP

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Anberlin,

 

These plans were made like late the prior night so i knew my mother was sleeping. Also after that, me and my wife made a schedule for the next day. (errands and such). Yes we made a tentative schedule for 6:30 pm for me to get back to Brooklyn so that we can catch the fireworks.

Here's what we as men need to learn, women don't think like men and men don't think like women even though men may act like women and respond rather then initiate.

 

It doesn't matter what time the plans were made; a time was planned for and TNY understood that you were meeting in Manhattan at 6:30. Stating

we made a tentative schedule
is simply making an excuse for not being where you were supposed to be when you were supposed to be there. It's easier to say these were "tentative plans" then to humble oneself and say, "I was wrong!"

 

Tentative plans are what I made in regard to attending a 4th of July party. The host sent out invitations and I responded with, "I may attend". There was no time as to what time I would be where, my attending was tentative.

 

As for your family, and family is extremely important to me, men are instructed to leave their father and mother and cleave to their wife so that the two become one. It's great that you are close to your family but God has joined you and TNY as one because of your choice to ask TNY to marry you. Now you have to decide if TNY is going to come first or if your family is going to come first.

 

Unfortunately we cannot have our cake and eat it to, unless it's birthday cake. So decide if you're really committed to doing WHATEVER it takes to win TNYer's heart back and if so "Just Do It". Nothing worth something comes without a price. In the case of winning TNYer's heart back the price is death, the death of Anberlin as was the death of Jesus. Jesus gave all for us, the body of believers which we call the church or the bride. Are you willing to give your all, to die to yourself, the ultimate sacrifice you can make for your bride? If so, stop any and all excuses and show her by being a man of your word.

 

Let TNY see that you are a man of your words by your actions. This means following through on what you say to her and doing the things you know are required of you, i.e. reading your bible, praying, worship, posting and getting on phone calls. Even if TNY cannot be on a couples call you should be listening in on them. As you do these things you will begin to change and as you change TNY heart will be healed and turn back to you.

 

Ira

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Anberlin,

 

I already gave a gentle correction to Chrysallis. No need for you to strike back, especially in light of the fact that you are supposed to be learning how to be a Christian man and swallow your big pride pill. The faster you can learn this with the ladies here, the faster you will also accomplish this with your wife.

 

I can't make corrections in your behalf if you are going to use the opportunity to abuse/pounce as well.

 

Many newer folks here are still very wounded and oftentimes feel some stories more personally than others. Sometimes things come out sideways which is why we encourage people to 'just encourage others first'. Then when they've received some healing and their emotions have neutralized a bit, then they are better equipped to offer advice and insight.

 

Much grace is needed to go around. As a man, you would be well served to "go first" and apologize to Chrysallis.

 

Thank you.

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Anberlin,

 

I already gave a gentle correction to Chrysallis. No need for you to strike back, especially in light of the fact that you are supposed to be learning how to be a Christian man and swallow your big pride pill. The faster you can learn this with the ladies here, the faster you will also accomplish this with your wife.

 

I can't make corrections in your behalf if you are going to use the opportunity to abuse/pounce as well.

 

Many newer folks here are still very wounded and oftentimes feel some stories more personally than others. Sometimes things come out sideways which is why we encourage people to 'just encourage others first'. Then when they've received some healing and their emotions have neutralized a bit, then they are better equipped to offer advice and insight.

 

Much grace is needed to go around. As a man, you would be well served to "go first" and apologize to Chrysallis.

 

Thank you.

 

Please let me add this thought as well: how does TNY know you have been refrained from adultery during your LONNNNGGGGG separation? why would it hurt to have a medical test?

sometimes, a person "doth protesteth too much"

 

please also remember that YOU, Anberlin, have seemingly tried to sabotage any semblance of restoring your marriage in many many ways -- and so, this type of reaction, even knowing that it is coming from a young adult, will raise red flags and remind the other wounded wives of what their own abusive husbands did.

 

Thanking you in advance for humbling yourself.... and being teachable.

 

NOW, we are strongly stating, it is time to "choose your bride" -- not putting your family first, but putting TNY first, and you can only do this if you are drawing close to the Lord.

 

prayerfully,

June of

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Even if TNY cannot be on a couples call you should be listening in on them.

 

 

That is true - but there really should not be times that Anberlin can be on a couples call and TNY cannot be. For TNY: I did not want you to see that benign sentence of encouragement to Anberlin and take it as a signal for you to not be on couples calls. If you two are not on a call together, you should be on a date or something to that effect. Anberlin works enough of the time that when he is home, it should be together time.

 

The only exception to that is that I do want to hear from you Anberlin, on the men's calls. I am not able to take the time to read what all happened on the fourth of July. Our conversation included me encouraging TNY and you to go together to your families house for a picnic if there was going to be one - and apparantly there was not a picnic. Your mom went to the beach instead... whatever. You went to pick some things up at your famillies while TNY practiced music and then you did not get back in time for a fourth of July date with TNY?

 

Be sure to take a few minutes on Tuesdays' during the day to get on the men's calls to keep me up on things. We made good progress on that private call and we don't want to see ground lost.

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@Chrysallis- I apologize for making a comment about you in connection to your comments about my mother and about my culture. Sorry if i sounded like a Jerk.

 

I think today things are better. But still i have alot of work to do. Joel, I'm sorry I didn't call on Tuesday, I was swamped at work. Thursday and Saturdays are truly my best day but I'll try to call again on Tuesday.

 

@ira, @June, and @jenisy. I see that I was not true enough with my apology and that I gave an excuse by saying tentative. Hopefully i can be christlike in the next couple of days. I have some issues to deal with my mother and godmother who feel that I am being cold to them. Its not easy to please everyone.

 

@Tim- you are right about what happened Saturday. Those reactions to little things. I have been careful in my responses. Sorry for the short response.

 

thank you for your comments.

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Anberlin,

your FOCUS has GOT to be on blessing your bride:

 

Deuteronomy 24:5 If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married. NIV

 

5When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year and shall cheer his wife whom he has taken. Amplified

 

A man who has just married must not be sent to war or be given any other duty. He should be free to stay home for a year to make his new wife happy.

 

Genesis 2: 24 So a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one body.

 

 

focus

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Its not easy to please everyone.

 

Amen to that.

 

Fixed our sights on pleasing God - primarily by pleasing your wife. She is the one who will BE with you for most of your life. When your priorities trickle down from that place and most of your life will be good!

 

thank you for your apologies.

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@Chrysallis- I apologize for making a comment about you in connection to your comments about my mother and about my culture. Sorry if i sounded like a Jerk.

 

I think today things are better. But still i have alot of work to do. Joel, I'm sorry I didn't call on Tuesday, I was swamped at work. Thursday and Saturdays are truly my best day but I'll try to call again on Tuesday.

 

@ira, @June, and @jenisy. I see that I was not true enough with my apology and that I gave an excuse by saying tentative. Hopefully i can be christlike in the next couple of days. I have some issues to deal with my mother and godmother who feel that I am being cold to them. Its not easy to please everyone.

 

@Tim- you are right about what happened Saturday. Those reactions to little things. I have been careful in my responses. Sorry for the short response.

 

thank you for your comments.

Hey I just wanted to let you know that i was separated from my hubby for about 8months and he was unfaithful with porn, emotional affairs and flirting...but did not actually sleep with anyone else...however it took confession, all things hidden in darkness being brought to light... and yes, std testing from the doctor. it helped rebuild some on my trust and his openness and willingness even when it was humiliating, brought me a level of healing. It has been a long journey, but if there is anything u can do now to start restoring your marriage, even if it getting tested which may seem embarrassing, i encourage you to do whatever it takes. What God reveals he wants to heal. Hang in there!

Edited by jenisy
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@Chrysallis- I apologize for making a comment about you in connection to your comments about my mother and about my culture. Sorry if i sounded like a Jerk.

 

Did you read my post on what you need to be doing to apologize? Where is the "taking responsibility"? Understanding how your post would have hurt Chrysallis? She does not care if you sounded like a jerk, it is of no consequence. Its not about you.

 

I am pretty sure June posted a link to the skills required to perform an apology. And I shared some insights on how I was able to learn myself (method acting).

 

This was a great opportunity for you to learn and practice the apology skills you should be using with NYer. Chrysallis is not your wife, but she is a hurt woman. Change the "e" of the L.O.V.E.R. to from embrace to encourage.

 

Try again. Speaking on behalf of Chrysallis, (extremely arrogant of me, but I would like to make the point) this is a poor apology and not accepted.

 

TP

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Pure In Heart posted to another husband awhile back:

Posted 10 January 2011 - 07:47 PM

Quote

Where can I start? How do I face my fears? How can I not just admit what I've done but heal the wounds I've caused? Although we do try talking throughout the day, I am not able to resolve anything with her. When we lay down to sleep is when she always wants to talk. I've never been much of a talker at night, but do so to try to make her feel more relaxed. It usually starts off relatively tame, but too often her her frustration and pain get to a boiling point and I try to soothe her, which usually makes it worse. There have been too many days that pass by where she is left crying and I don't know what to say or do. This leads to sleepless nights or us sleeping in separate rooms.

 

 

Resolving issues is really an issue of understanding her heart. For us as human beings are wounds can close when we know someone out there understands....when we are finally heard and validated.

 

You must remember that the beginning steps of this restoration means you have to make restitution to your wife for the wounds you have caused her.

 

This is restoring the foundations. Jeremiah says, that this is your crossroads. Your decision to ask for the ancient path and walk in it. To go back and fix what you broke by first understanding how your actions and behaviors of not loving her have effected her heart and emotions.

 

This IS the first step of maturity.

 

Listen, husband. God did not abuse her. It was not His words or lack of them that abused her. She was put in YOUR care to tend to and watch over. You did not tend to your Garden well. You did not water and provide the essential life-giving ways for her life to blossom and flourish.

 

Taking responsibility for what you have done to close off her spirit and to keep hidden the life of her God from shining forth in her will take great humility on your part to recognize these behaviors and to acknowledge that those behaviors have effected her heart, how she sees herself and even how she feels about her Lord.

 

Right now she is too busy surviving you to think about anything else. When she knows and is reassured that you care you hurt her then she will open the gate of her heart ever so cautiously and slowly. It is at great risk and vulnerability to her that you are asking her perpetrator to now make her believe you that your intentions are good and to bring healing to her.

 

After all, she can not have you coming back in and piling on even more hurt than you have already inflicted. She can not bear her heart being trampled again.

 

Be gentle and tender. Reassure her over and over again that you are committed to her...to put your hand to the plow and never look back. That your desire is to love her and make it known to her that you have not changed your mind about her being the love of your life. That you have fallen off the path that led to her heart and it is your heart to turn back toward face and learn to love her, to dwell with her with understanding above all things in this life.

 

Recognize her heart opening to you as an offering of mercy and grace toward you. It is her breathtaking heart that would even give you this chance since your past behavior has not warranted even this smallest of trust.

 

Do not take lightly her offering.

 

So with gentleness, long-suffering, forbearance and patience....it is up to YOU, husband to bring life back to those places of death and destruction you brought to her heart. Look and see her ruins and care that her life's dreams have been laid waste and her heart plundered. It would be one thing if an enemy came had stole her dream of being loved.....but it was you, her husband....the one she made covenant with that abused her.

 

Do not let her pain deter you from pursuing after her to rescue her from underneath the ruins. Again, remember it is YOU who have caused this damage.

 

Do not let her anguish and tears, her rage at injustice, her sorrow and grief of what has been robbed from her make you buckle or turn away from her heart again.

 

NO, a thousand times NO!! Stay in the fray with her. Handle her heart with great care. When she knows beyond a shadow of any doubt that your love is sure and steady then and only then will she let you back in.

 

A true man and Christ-like man will carry her burdens without a word. It will be a JOY for him to endure until she is safe again and out of danger (in her emotions).

 

Think of what she must be feeling....YOU have cut her with a knife and then complain she is bleeding all over the floor!!

 

She can not bear your whining and self-pity as she is the one who is hurt. She needs a MAN now. A man who will be as Christ to her. A strong man who will NOT shrink back or shudder at facing himself and looking straightway at what HE has done to his beloved, his Bride.

 

She is not washed and nourished, cherished and nurtured. NO!! Her garments are ripped and tattered, her heart exposed and she looks nothing like her Lord had intended for her. God's heart for His daughter is that she would be loved with a love as strong as death. A love that many waters can not quench

 

It is only fear of yourself you must overcome. Your fear is lying to you. It wants to drag you away from facing who you are apart from Christ.

 

If your immaturity (carnal, selfish man) can keep you from fighting and facing your own demons then you will never become the man God has destined and created you to be. Your Holy union can not be all God has meant for you as a powerful force of unity in the earth.

 

This is no trivial matter. It will take you dying to that fear. Dying to your right to hold onto to your self-protection and pride. That pride that says, I must hide and find fig leaves to cover my shame. No!! DO not hide but own what you have done. Be contrite and repentant before the Lord. He is moved with a broken heart. He is standing by to help you recover it ALL.

 

What is this repentance? It is a change of mind that leads to a change in direction.

 

Take this truth and run with it. Yes, beforehand you did not know HOW to love your wife. You were blind to your immaturity and the behaviors and actions you did that were destructive and brought death. Now, you can bring life by changing your behavior toward her.

 

behavior consists of only two things:

 

I do the thing I should not do

 

I do NOT do the thing I know I should.

 

Your wife is there to help you discover this. To point to you where you are falling short so that you can understand the changes that are necessary for you to become the best man of God you can become. She is your help-meet.

 

BUT NOW, you have the truth. That you have NOT been this husband. Do NOT stop there. Now exchange the lie for the truth and walk in this revelation to love in such a way that you lay down your life for your Bride. Listen to her as she shows you the way to learn HOW to love.

 

Your challenge: NOT feeling accused or rejected when she opens up the those bruised and crushed places of her heart and spirit.

 

That is nothing but selfishness. She is NOT rejecting you but only rejecting abuse and unkindness.

 

Those character qualities that do not reflect the Lord anyways.

 

When you FEEL any resistance or reaction coming up inside you...that is where that old man is showing up. And it is the point at which you make a choice to die to self. Do not talk about what great pain you have but listen to her pain.

 

At each opening of her heart....to talk to you, vent, to get out all of her poison and the fall-out of your treatment of her...it is helpful to go through the L.O.V.E.R. with her.

 

DO this until you convince her of YOUR sincerity of heart over her pain.

 

DO not try and sooth and comfort her by telling her why she is feeling what she is feeling...just let her feelings and emotions be what they are.

 

You as a husband are there to listen, not to interrupt or cut off her feelings.

 

Do not give her reasons for what she is feeling. Only to validate what she is saying to you and owning that you put that hurt there inside of her to deal with to begin with.

 

A woman talks out her feelings. Men have inner conversations in their minds and do not so much talk out loud their internal struggles or emotions. But, for a woman this IS her nature to respond and her NEED is to let the poison come out of her. This is what it means, To talk it out.

 

You do not need to judge her emotions. JUST LISTEN and validate her right to have this hurt you put there. You are not her judge, jury and prosecuting attorney. Her feelings just ARE.

 

The problem is that you are filtering YOUR feelings about her FEELINGS being expressed.

 

WHY? Because her feelings make YOU feel uncomfortable and you do not want to hear the truth about yourself.

 

You want to run away form her feelings instead of drawing nearer to her. AND she knows this. That means you are making HOW you feel about what she is expressing more important than her pain. DO you see that?

 

Remember she is expressing hurt over what you have done to her. When you make it about what you do not like listening to; then what you have done is invalidate her right to feel this. NOW, she has to measure everything she says so YOUR FEELINGS are not hurt. A wife is NOT meant to take care of your feelings.

 

No, that is not being a man. A mature and Christ-like man absorbs her feeling and takes care of her heart. You go first in relationship. You offer your ear and being attentive to her cry.

 

Jesus does not stop you when you are praying and tells you not to have those feelings or hurt. He does not tell you what you should ask for or what you feel you need from Him. Jesus does not interrupt your flow of pain or hurt coming out when you talk to Him, does He?

 

No, Jesus listens to you. The simple truth is that you are able to talk about things with God and it brings you relief. Just to know God is listening makes you feel better.

 

In the same way, you are like Christ to her. Listen to her complaint and take it for her to the Cross. Take her pain and then you turn and cast it upon Jesus, who cares for you.

 

I hope this helps you understand how to listen to your wife's heart.

 

L-Listen her words to understand what she is telling you feels or needs.

O-Offer an apology and OWN what she is feeling i or has been caused by something you have done to her or failed to do for her

V-Validate her right to feel this. Tell her you understand that there is good reason why she feels the ways she does. You confirm for her that yes, she has been a victim of your abuses.

E-Embrace her (if she will let you). She may be feeling raw and vulnerable to you and not sure if you really care. Understand her trepidation if she does not trust your embrace.

R-Repent for your behavior that caused the hurt...or your inaction that caused her feel unimportant to you. Reassure her that you are committed and will change so you will not hurt her anymore. That you are serious about becoming a loving husband.

 

 

She needs this from her husband. The simple truth is that when a wife knows her husband understands what he has done to hurt her then the likelihood of him changing that very behavior is increased. If he truly does not want to hurt her in those ways again, then he will make great efforts to be careful with her heart.

 

If he never understands what he is doing or not doing that hurts her then he will continue to wound her the same ways. She knows her heart will be continue to be unloved and wounded.

 

Kimberly

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Thank you Chrysallis for taking your time to help my marriage. I'm sorry saying that your comments were out of line and that you were being too judgmental. I don't mind the stones being thrown at me but if they are being thrown at my mother or father when it’s not their fault, I will pounce. Sorry Chrysallis, you have a right to criticize me in every other way. I just didn't like the comment about you saying that my mother is "messed up" and she is "snickering" and that she has a lack of culture. And what happened on the fourth of July was not my mother's fault or my father's fault. It was my fault. I appreciate your comments and your contribution to this ministry is tenfold. Danke schon

 

Sorry that I couldn’t call in the men’s call. I got back really because I had to go to Astoria to buy New Yorker’s European Coffee (its an hour out of the way by subway). By the time that I got back, there was silence and I couldn’t hear anyone. I will try again on Saturday but I have to work on Saturday (filling in for a colleague of mine and I have to personally deal with a case) so my availability will be limited.

Edited by Anberlin
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ha ha! now I am the bad guy again! Bingo! He tells one then the other. I am tired of posting and then he comes and twists what he said etc. Finally I also squeezed out from him that he didn't talk to his mother before he left. However, even if she was not there, I wanted him to get back on time. I feel like I am being put to a place for the people to thing that I am mentally damaged or something because I obviously get everything wrong. oh, yeah!

Edited by thenewyorker
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Anberlin going to his parents' home to get stuff (that he should already have HAD prior to NYer coming to US) and not even knowing if they would be there, not having a plan if they weren't there, and NOT doing this as a blessing to his bride are all evidences of his passive aggression.

 

NYer, he is not pulling a fast one on any of us here in GSMM forum land -- and he was supposed to have apologized about that entire day.

 

(I thought you would be in PA this weekend)

 

Please share on your thread IF he has been blessing you these past few days -- or not.

 

Anberlin, you have apparently NOT done a thorough and sincere apology re: last weekend's mess-up. So, you now have another wonderful opportunity today... and tonight on the couples' conference call!

 

blessings,

June of

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Hey guys so I made an huge error last night. Well last night there were some plans that were not set in stone. New Yorker has a set schedule. I am more of a live for the moment type of guy. Well anyone on thursday night, New Yorker usually needs time between 8 and 11 to practice her music and that is where she would prefer that i would not be in the house. I made tentative plans on hanging out with two friends of mine. Well on friday it was raining it looked like those plans were not going to happen, I told New Yorker at 5:30 that after work, I would go to the gym and that I should be back by 9:30.

 

She asked me if I wanted dinner and I said yes. Well the work out took longer than expected because i wanted to go on the bike after running and lifting. After lifting I found out from my friends that they were nearby the gym that I was at and they wanted to hang for two hours. I called New Yorker at like 9:46 after my workout and I asked her if it was okay for me to hang out with my friends. She thought that it would mean that I would go to Adam's house not hanging out in the Village. I said or I think I said that I was going to Broadway and Lafayette to hang with the guys for alittle. And then New Yorker told me that she was going out to a friend's concert for some contacts and that she might not wait for me. well I said that i would call her when I was on my way home.

 

at like 11;59 I called New Yorker, and I told new yorker that i was near the train in West 4th..New Yorker thought that i was going to Adam's house instead of a bar. New Yorker was very angry because I took advantage of her and she could have practiced more instead of cooking dinner and she couldn't have left earlier to her friend's conert. I thought I told her that I was in Broadway and Lafayette but I guess i didn't clarify things. I took advantage of her time. Well I can't really excuse myself. I was just on the men's call with joel and he was right about her being mad and I totally understand. I hope she can forgive me.

Edited by Anberlin
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I realize that you are only in your 20's ... however

 

so what that you are young...

 

it is sickening to me to hear about you continuously CHOOSING OTHERS over your bride

 

YOU DIDN'T GET HOME UNTIL 5:30a.m.???? REALLY?????@@@@@!!!!!

 

choosing YOUR SELF indulgence over her

 

knowing she is here for only a short time, and being willing to give you a "chance" to restore your marriage

 

egads

 

that is NOT a LOVER apology above either -- so please try again and GET on the conference call tonight if you can't/won't figure out how to say one to your bride

 

 

my .02

June of

Edited by June & Ward
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I realize that you are only in your 20's ... however

 

so what that you are young...

 

it is sickening to me to hear about you continuously CHOOSING OTHERS over your bride

 

YOU DIDN'T GET HOME UNTIL 5:30a.m.???? REALLY?????@@@@@!!!!!

 

choosing YOUR SELF indulgence over her

 

knowing she is here for only a short time, and being willing to give you a "chance" to restore your marriage

 

egads

 

that is NOT a LOVER apology above either -- so please try again and GET on the conference call tonight if you can't/won't figure out how to say one to your bride

 

 

my .02

June of

 

June, read the posts carefully. Anberlin came at 1am and I came at 5:30am.

 

One more time: as he didn't come home and I have been sitting at the house already for two days, I went out to my friends gig who played with his band and as a result I came home at 5:30am. Anberlin was sleeping. But, let's face it - I also like to go out and as a musician it is a part of my job. And this time it made me really mad that he went to his friends and I felt like a toy at the house who had to wait. As a result I decided to go out and have some fun, too instead of sitting there and waiting as an idiot and be mad and have one more evening and social event destroyed. I came home 5:30 because I left the house at 12:30am and needed an hour get to the Upper West Side from Brooklyn. And the same for getting back - takes forever.

Edited by thenewyorker
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Anberlin,

 

I know you and Joel covered a lot of material during the call today. The one thing you kind of dodged on the call, was when Joel asked you about the process of the apology. You glossed over it and went onto another issue. It was obvious to me, you did a poor job of an apology to NYer on the July 4th issue.

 

I have been pointing this out to you, several times.

 

Where is your corrected apology to Chrysallis. I really would like to see you post an apology here. Why don't you take a moment and instead of defending your actions with your posts, write a real apology.

 

One post - with an apology. (to anyone, I don't care who).

 

I would like to see the validation, the understanding of any pain you cause, the repentance. Let the helpers here, help you with that. It is a crucial absolute ingredient part of this process. I sense you do not have this yet, and without it, you will fail. Not only with NYer, but with your whole walk to become a Christlike man.

 

Sorry to be a harda$$, but you are not completing the necessary parts of the process before you bring another issue into the picture. You can not move onto the next part, until you master the skills required to move on.

 

TP

 

TimothyPaul

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