Terry's trials and tribulations

Terry · May 23, 2011

How old are the kids and do they want to see you?

Do you have someone perhaps from your church who would be acceptable as the "supervisor" for visitation who wouldn't charge $?

Worse comes to worse, write them, completely follow all strictures and eventually the situation will mellow. Don't agree to never see them. You are too black and white and way too impatient. You have to take the long view here. At some point, you will be able to visit. You just have to stay floating, with things not "resolved" hoping for what you want to come to pass. In a patient, longsuffering way.

I agree 100% with the words you are saying. I do not want the children to be continued to be pawns. It happened with Autumn , (E) daughter from youth. She had planned on going to my house,

then Autumn called back two hours later and said "mom wont let me". I feel if God wants me to step out of the picture for a season, to bring stability back into their life. This I feel is for the greater good. I will continue to write to them in their journal. In the past 2 years they have been in 2 school, 3 day cares and four houses. I pray the God will be glorified in court this Friday, and that just maybe (E) might feel I have no desire to cause her pain. Of course this is selfish in nature, I want her to be healed from the pain I caused, but also so her and Michael do not have to keep making up reports to the Sheriff's. As this costs time and money for court appearances. If am am no longer perceived as a threat, then the less time prayerfully will be spent on her venting at me through the legal system. I would much rather have her yell and scream at me personally to get the poison I caused out.

Even if that did not mean reconciliation, it will have given her healing. I guess this is something, I will never understand though. If you are focusing your anger at me, and perceived as the common enemy. This being for both Emily and michael to create a common front, then why be in a relationship? Let alone discuss marriage? Maybe this is just from a male point of view, but division and unfocused energy is how wars are won, not for a foundation.

Terry · May 26, 2011

I can not even begin to express the favor God has shown me the past two days. I met with the attorney yesterday, I feel like I will finally have a voice in our children's life. I called my mum, letting her know how happy I was about that. After getting ready this morning, I went to the court house to drop off the court papers for tomorrow's hearing regarding the children. While on the way back, I wanted to stop off to look for a hat band, for one of my hats, and to see what the price of the style of carhartt jackets I like run. They did not have my style right now because of the season, but could order one. While looking around I found a non carhartt suede with native print I liked. As soon as I seen the price of 170.00 I placed it back down. As I was ringing up the hat band, I asked when more of the jackets would be in. When the sale clerk mentioned the suede jacket. I said there is only one, and it is my size, but I am looking more in a comparable price to the carhartt. She said she thought it was marked down, and to see if there had been another tag. I found it, but still it was marked to $130.00, and if you notice on the front of the rack anything on here is an additional 35% off! So I bought the jacket cheaper then the carhartt I wanted, and that included my hat band. Then knowing I needed a good pair of pants for court tomorrow, and figured Dockers will be fine. Again I found an only pair that fits like tailor made. I went to pay for it, and found that was on the wrong display, and that was clearance as well, saving another 45.oo on the pants. As I am driving back towards home,praising God for the favor he had shown me, the thought came to my mind to check the price of tires for my vehicle, as the back two might last me through July, if lucky. As soon as the tire rep said, $147.00 a tire, it is an odd size,and this does not include mounting and balancing, that is another $25.oo a tire. My heart sank. I turned walking out saying a prayer, "God, you know all the financial difficulties going on , you have exceeded my expectations in saving me almost two hundred dollars today, but I will not have the money it takes to get the tires,nor, will I be safe driving the kids around much longer. It was then, I noticed a rack of tires, that had been taken off previous customers vehicles. As I looked through the rack, I found two tires the exact size I needed, and still had some factory nub left on them. I asked the owner what this would cost me to get them put on my vehicle. The owner said 100.oo, I thought maybe they can do lay away, because that will still be close to 300.oo for mounting and balancing after tax. My facial expression must have spoke volumes. The owner of the garage, immediately spoke up and said " you do not think 100.oo total for both tires mounted and balanced is a good deal? Now I have tires with about 40,000 miles still left on them. The financial favor God has shown me today. When I got home I went to my knees. I had a dream the other night, and the voice said to ask for more time with your children, and in my time your marriage will be restored. Thats what I did with the attorney, dealt with the accusations. Anytime he (the attorney) would bring up adultery, I cut him off and said it was I that committed adultery by placing everything before Emily. I told him to think of Michael as a carrion, that flies over head waiting to pick the bones off the spiritually, and emotionally dead, caused by husbands like me. The attorney seemed to understand the analogy, and quit bringing the adultery up. Only God knows what will happen in court tomorrow, but feel at ease, no matter what happens, for I know it is only temporary. Having Native American heritage, a bald eagle flew only about 15' from my drivers window and right over the van. That was God confirming to me, that I am on the right path. I am excited to see what happens in court tomorrow morning! To some today might not appear to be much, but with all I have endured, and will continue to endure, today was amazing.

Chrysallis · May 27, 2011

Wow, that is great! And here is something that came to me today---you are in covenant with God because of the marriage. Not just asking Him for favor, He is in covenant with you because of the marriage and as well the other covenants He has made with humans

Terry · May 28, 2011

Well, you keep talking about the Bible stuff, religious stuff, etc. Your attorney hasn't seen that it has stopped!!!! Terry, please listen! It's NOT WISE!!!!!!! You have BURNED your bridges with your ex-wife, and SHE is NOT going to listen to YOU when it comes to her soul!!!! You have to trust God to send someone else to do that. We are all busy enough trying to keep our OWN lives clean. Concentrate on yourself, and just LOVE others. This is the BIGGEST way you can make a difference. Work on changing yourself, and people will see it in your life!!!

Well, you need to ACCEPT where it is right now. That will be much better for your children and for you. Let her go, Terry. She doesn't want you. If you let her go, she will respect you more.

The Above was from my Pastors wife, they happened to be in the court room on another member that has been going through similar things. Court did not go well regarding visitation. I am to have 2 hours supervised visitation a month. It will be set up after the court hearing on the 3rd. in the mean time it has been since Easter since I have seen or talked with them. I talked with my attorney, he wants to keep fighting, but to me it is more just for money. The kids know I love them, yet can not help the reoccurring feeling that maybe I am to lose everything involved for the time being. I wish Emily much happiness in the marriage she will embark on this summer, but I do not feel by (E) obstructing my communications to them is beneficial either. I am feeling drained and wearey

Chrysallis · May 28, 2011

Good. Emily tried to shut you out and failed. She is using the kids as pawns that much is obvious. Your pastor's wife, I don't begin to understand her posture on this thing. Just don't give her any mind.

So, do the supervised visitation, NEVER be late or miss, you will get through. Bring small gifts, bring snacks and drinks, juice pouches maybe. Think about topics of conversation beforehand, try to keep things loving and light. Ask them if they need anything EVERY time, and if they do, work on providing it. You have an opportunity here.

Chrysallis · May 28, 2011

The Psalms22

A Cry of Anguish and Song of Praise To the chief Musician upon Ai'jeleth Shahar, A Psalm of David.

1 My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? Mt. 27.46 · Mk. 15.34

Why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring? 2 O my God, I cry in the daytime, but thou hearest not;

and in the night season, and am not silent. 3 But thou art holy,

O thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel. 4 Our fathers trusted in thee:

they trusted, and thou didst deliver them. 5 They cried unto thee, and were delivered:

they trusted in thee, and were not confounded. 6 But I am a worm, and no man;

a reproach of men, and despised of the people. 7 All they that see me laugh me to scorn:

they shoot out the lip, they shake the head, Mt. 27.39 · Mk. 15.29 · Lk. 23.35 saying, 8 He trusted on the LORD that he would deliver him:

let him deliver him, seeing he delighted in him. Mt. 27.43 9 But thou art he that took me out of the womb:

thou didst make me hope when I was upon my mother's breasts. 10 I was cast upon thee from the womb:

thou art my God from my mother's belly. 11 Be not far from me; for trouble is near;

for there is none to help. 12 Many bulls have compassed me:

strong bulls of Bashan have beset me round. 13 They gaped upon me with their mouths,

as a ravening and a roaring lion. 14 I am poured out like water,

and all my bones are out of joint: my heart is like wax; it is melted in the midst of my bowels. 15 My strength is dried up like a potsherd;

and my tongue cleaveth to my jaws; and thou hast brought me into the dust of death. 16 For dogs have compassed me:

the assembly of the wicked have inclosed me: they pierced my hands and my feet. 17 I may tell all my bones:

they look and stare upon me. 18 They part my garments among them,

and cast lots upon my vesture. Mt. 27.35 · Mk. 15.24 · Lk. 23.34 · Joh. 19.24 19 But be not thou far from me, O LORD:

O my strength, haste thee to help me. 20 Deliver my soul from the sword;

my darling from the power of the dog. 21 Save me from the lion's mouth:

for thou hast heard me from the horns of the unicorns. 22 I will declare thy name unto my brethren:

in the midst of the congregation will I praise thee. Heb. 2.12 23 Ye that fear the LORD, praise him;

all ye the seed of Jacob, glorify him; and fear him, all ye the seed of Israel. 24 For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted;

neither hath he hid his face from him; but when he cried unto him, he heard. 25 My praise shall be of thee in the great congregation:

I will pay my vows before them that fear him. 26 The meek shall eat and be satisfied:

they shall praise the LORD that seek him: your heart shall live for ever. 27 All the ends of the world shall remember and turn unto the LORD:

and all the kindreds of the nations shall worship before thee. 28 For the kingdom is the LORD's:

and he is the governor among the nations. 29 All they that be fat upon earth shall eat and worship:

all they that go down to the dust shall bow before him: and none can keep alive his own soul. 30 A seed shall serve him;

it shall be accounted to the Lord for a generation. 31 They shall come, and shall declare his righteousness

unto a people that shall be born, that he hath done this.

Published by The American Bible Society

Terry · May 28, 2011

Good. Emily tried to shut you out and failed. She is using the kids as pawns that much is obvious. Your pastor's wife, I don't begin to understand her posture on this thing. Just don't give her any mind.
So, do the supervised visitation, NEVER be late or miss, you will get through. Bring small gifts, bring snacks and drinks, juice pouches maybe. Think about topics of conversation beforehand, try to keep things loving and light. Ask them if they need anything EVERY time, and if they do, work on providing it. You have an opportunity here.

I am sorry Still feeling shell shocked and sleep deprived today. I must be missing the obvious. I do not see what the opportunity is concerning this. If you could explain this more. I know this is part of God's plan for me, but given my current mental state I feel like it is an exercise in futility. Its required of me, I will do it, this will help to heal Emily's heart for her concerns regarding me and the children. Other then that " I feel like a parking valet standing, only to find the game was yesterday"

Chrysallis · May 28, 2011

Opportunity to show the Court that you are a dedicated, loving dad whose relationship with the children has been mischaracterized and misrepresented to the Court. You do EVERYTHING in that previous post and demonstrate NO anger or frustration or defeatism and pretty soon you will start to make a friend of the person supervising. But don't pal up to whoever it is, just be punctual and be there every time with a cooperative affable attitude and be loving with the kids. Haven't you ever built anything? You go brick by brick.

Looney_Tunes · May 28, 2011

I'm sorry, Terry. I know how much this hurts.

I would agree that there's not much else you can do right now. Show up for every visitation and do as Chrysallis suggested. Try to let it go for now, and maybe in 6 months or a year you can try again. See if you can round up a couple of people who will be character witnesses for you before you go to court again.

This sucks.

Terry · May 29, 2011

Thank you for your words and Psalm 9 :7But the Lord shall remain and continue forever; He has prepared and established His throne for judgment.(A)

8And He will judge the world in righteousness (rightness and equity); He will minister justice to the peoples in uprightness.(

9The Lord also will be a refuge and a high tower for the oppressed, a refuge and a stronghold in times of trouble (high cost, destitution, and desperation).

10And they who know Your name [who have experience and acquaintance with Your mercy] will lean on and confidently put their trust in You, for You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek (inquire of and for) You [on the authority of God's Word and the right of their necessity].©

11Sing praises to the Lord, Who dwells in Zion! Declare among the peoples His doings!

I am trying to cling to this. I am to meet with the counselor that helped bring this on Monday. I went to her work place, and asked what else do I need to do? She asked about my sincerity. All I could do was humbly ask. This afternoon as I went to my neighborhood gas station to make some copies of different counseling I am taking. I walked in heading towards the copier. For some reason Emily was their. As soon as the two children noticed me they shouted "Daddy running towards me". Emily immediately grabbed Damon (5) our son by the wrist dragging him by the toes out of the gas station while screaming for Dakota to come along.I did not pursue, but after making the copies I went home and wept more.

Not only has my actions hardened Emily's heart, now the kids are getting this as well. I love my children, and hate seeing them treated this way. I understand God wants me for Long suffering, but

when our children are placed into the middle and receiving the brunt of this. I want to be in their lives, yet if this is how they are being treated from just seeing me. I feel like I am at a cross road.

What Emily's attorney is asking for is supervised visitation, and Emily to have sole decision making regarding education, medical, religion, and the ability to leave the country without my say so. I will find out on the I believe 10th. I would be lying to say they will have support, and I just need to remove myself from the situation, so I will no longer be the convenient common enemy and maybe healing can begin. The Anger and rage I felt coming from her actions today, i thought how could that not spill over into your current relationship, as it is sure effecting the children.

Numbers 14:18 The LORD is longsuffering, and of great mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression, and by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation.

This passage caused me to have to dry heave as I thought I would be sick. My heart is heavy, everything since coming to the Lord has been removed. I know he has a plan for all this. I will continue to pray for protection for the children. I am feeling like JOB, I do not want to spend the next 10 years in and out of court, as it appears there will not be vindication. My glaring past keeps getting brought up through the courts. The one glimmer was the commissioner made the comment that my demeanor has changed, that I did not appear to be so intense. I wanted to tell him it was due to this ministry and getting on ADHD meds.

PlansForHope · May 29, 2011

Terry;

So very sorry you're going through this dark valley in your life; know this is tough! I want to encourage you to just focus on making these times of visitation with your children very special; and keep seeking ways to spend as much time as possible with your precious children as possible! I know that it's frustrating to keep going through this tough court process over and over again; but your children need you in their lives now more than ever! So keep pressing in close to God; keep coming here to this ministry for help and support; and keep doing whatever you can to be able to spend time each week with your darling children! I think that there may be some suggestions and advice earlier in your thread about things you could try to resolve this issue in the courts; please read back through both your threads for help!

I also noticed this great post by Firewalker, (written back in December, 2010)...

hope this will encourage you to keep pressing forward here for truth to be revealed; and things to change for the better in your life regarding custody of your children!

God bless you as you keep showing Christ living in you daily to everyone around you!

Firewalker's post:

Praying for favor with the court and impact on your kids. You keep being the most predictable, rock-solid man in all of their lives, and thereby you will still be sowing life into all of them. Even your ex will be impacted by your faithful performance of your duties as a father. Even her hard heart cannot continue to deny the truth as you love your family sacrificially and show up for them to the full extent that the law allows.

Can you write to your kids? You can send cards to them and include postcards with stamps attached that they can send back to you. I think that dads are too often discouraged by the lack of contact with their kids, so that they sometimes just pull back further from the pain of separation from them. Instead, your kids want you to be the hero, and prove that they are always important to you.

I'm glad that you are still plugged in here. There are some great men in similar positions here on the boards that can all be supportive to one another. That's priceless, knowing what you know about God's heart for your family. It lets you be generous and understanding, even with your ex and her mom, because you know, that you know what your part was in the divorce. Other men would rather stay in denial and claim they tried everything to be a good guy, but the wife just wanted out. It is far more complex than that, and you know it.

One year is still early. Who knows what is in your future or that of your ex-wife. I do know that as long as your heart remains soft and dedicated to love, God will be faithful to show up in your life and through you to your family.

Chrysallis · May 29, 2011

I just need to remove myself from the situation, so I will no longer be the convenient common enemy and maybe healing can begin. The Anger and rage I felt coming from her actions today,

Terry,

You aren't getting it. Stop trying to solve everything once and for all. Stop trying to impact the situation. Just live with the situation. If you "remove myself from the situation so I will no longer be the convenient common enemy and maybe healing can begin" you will hurt the kids all over again. No one is going to come panting after you and say "oh, sorry, please come back and play." So forget that. Quit trying to manipulate the situation.

Emily wants you gone, obviously the children do NOT. So just do what we have all advised.

Chrysallis · May 29, 2011

It's about the kids, it's not about you. You just suck it up and do what the kids need which is for you to stay as involved as you can.

Terry · May 31, 2011

Thank you Crysallis, Plans, and Kimberly and Joshua, for straightening me out.

It was not a coincidence that while watching Creflo Dollar this morning he talked about righteous justice. I was under the false impression that because of my past, I was to take what ever was thrown at me even when it regarded our children, because of how I treated (EX).

28 May 2011 as I am entering Streibels Texaco right in front of my house to make copies for what

I thought to be for the counselor at approximately 3:50 pm. The Petitioner was in this business for some reason. As soon as I noticed the petitioner, I turned to leave. Before I could do that, the children's mother (Emily) had grabbed Damon our 5 years old son by the wrist lifting him up, dragging him by his toes towards the front door Yelling for Dakota our (9) year old to come along. Not only do I find this behavior Abusive, what kind of message does this send to our children about their father!

30 May 2011 I talked to the owner of the Texaco at approximately 1 and we viewed the tapes, but all that could be seen was for one second with Damon and her at the front door. Later that day I figured I would waste some time before I go to the 7:30 p.m. N/A meeting in Kingston. I and would go to a park as it was approximately 6:50 and driving past Nelson Park, by JRO in Poulsbo, WA. I had just started to enter into the park area, the Petitioner (Emily) with Dakota in hand comes up to my vehicle screaming "Get the F#*k out of here, when you see me, you had better F**@en leave!" As I proceeded to viking way to leave I looked in the rear view mirror as she was dragging Dakota into Ms West office. (One of the children must have had an appointment).

It really does hurt to have her vent like this to me in front of the children.

I am posting this topic as well. This is what has been going on in my life. Even if your EX did not want reconciliation, or turned from GOD, pray about this, and do not use your children as pawns, as your emotions rule your actions. This is not of God either.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

THE FLORIDA BAR JOURNAL, VOL. 73, No. 3, MARCH 1999, p 44-48

Parental Alienation Syndrome:

How to Detect It and What to Do About It

by J. Michael Bone and Michael R. Walsh

Although parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a familiar term, there is still a great deal of confusion and unclarity about its nature, dimensions, and, therefore, its detection.(1) Its presence, however, is unmistakable. In a longitudinal study of 700 "high conflict" divorce cases followed over 12 years, it was concluded that elements of PAS are present in the vast majority of the samples.(2) Diagnosis of PAS is reserved for mental health professionals who come to the court in the form of expert witnesses. Diagnostic hallmarks usually are couched in clinical terms that remain vague and open to interpretation and, therefore. susceptible to argument pro and con by opposing experts. The phenomenon of one parent turning the child against the other parent is not a complicated concept, but historically it has been difficult to identify clearly. Consequently, cases involving PAS are heavily litigated, filled with accusations and counter accusations, and thus leave the court with an endless search for details that eventually evaporate into nothing other than rank hearsay. It is our experience that the PAS phenomenon leaves a trail that can be identified more effectively by removing the accusation hysteria, and looking ahead in another positive direction.

For the purpose of this article the authors are assuming a fair degree of familiarity with parental alienation syndrome on the part of the reader.(3) There are many good writings on PAS which the reader may wish to consult now or in the future for general information. Our focus here is much more narrow. Specifically, the goal is twofold. First we will describe four very specific criteria that can be used to identify potential PAS. In most instances, these criteria can be identified through the facts of the case, but also can be revealed by deposition or court testimony. Secondly, we wish to introduce the concept of "attempted" PAS; that is when the criteria of PAS are present, but the child is not successfully alienated from the absent parent. This phenomenon is still quite harmful and the fact of children not being alienated should not be viewed as neutral by the court.

Any attempt at alienating the children from the other parent should be seen as a direct and willful violation of one of the prime duties of parenthood.

The criteria described below are fairly easy to identify separate and apart from the court file. When there is uncertainty about any of them, these criteria can be used to guide the attorney in the deposing of witnesses as well as in their examination in court.

Criteria I: Access and Contact Blocking

Criteria I involves the active blocking of access or contact between the child and the absent parent. The rationale used to justify it may well take many different forms. One of the most common is that of protection. It may be argued that the absent parent's parental judgment is inferior and, therefore, the child is much worse off from the visit. In extreme cases, this will take the form of allegations of child abuse, quite often sexual abuse. This will be addressed in more detail in Criteria II, but suffice it to say that often this is heard as a reason for visitation to be suspended or even terminated. On a more subtle and common level, an argument heard for the blocking of visitation is that seeing the absent parent is "unsettling" to the child, and that they need time "to adjust." The message here is that the absent parent is treated less like a key family member and more like an annoying acquaintance that the child must see at times. Over time, this pattern can have a seriously erosive effect on the child's relationship with the absent parent. An even more subtle expression of this is that the visitation is "inconvenient," thereby relegating it to the status of an errand or chore. Again the result is the erosion of the relationship between the child and the absent or "target" parent. One phenomenon often seen in this context is that any deviation from the schedule is used as a reason to cancel visitation entirely.

The common thread to all of these tactics is that one parent is superior and the other is not and, therefore, should be peripheral to the child's life. The alienating parent in these circumstances is acting inappropriately as a gatekeeper for the child to see the absent parent. When this occurs for periods of substantial time, the child is given the unspoken but clear message that one parent is senior to the other. Younger children are more vulnerable to this message and tend to take it uncritically; however, one can always detect elements of it echoed even into the teenage years. The important concept here is that each parent is given the responsibility to promote a positive relationship with the other parent. When this principle is violated in the context of blocking access on a consistent basis, one can assume that Criteria I has been, unmistakably identified.

Criteria II: Unfounded Abuse Allegations

The second criteria is related to false or unfounded accusations of abuse against the absent parent. The most strident expression of this is the false accusation of sexual abuse.(4) It has been well studied that the incident of false allegations of sexual abuse account for over half of those reported, when the parents are divorcing or are in conflict over some post dissolution issue.(5) This is especially the situation with small children who are more vulnerable to the manipulations implied by such false allegations. When the record shows that even one report of such abuse is ruled as unfounded, the interviewer is well advised to look for other expressions of false accusations.

Other examples of this might be found in allegations of physical abuse that investigators later rule as being unfounded. Interestingly our experience has been that there are fewer false allegations of physical abuse than of other forms of abuse, presumably because physical abuse leaves visible evidence. It is, of course, much easier to falsely accuse someone of something that leaves no physical sign and has no third party witnesses.

A much more common expression of this pattern would be that of what would be termed emotional abuse. When false allegations of emotional abuse are leveled, one often finds that what is present is actually differing parental judgment that is being framed as "abusive" by the absent parent. For example, one parent may let a child stay up later at night than the other parent would, and this scheduling might be termed as being "abusive" or "detrimental" to the child. Or one parent might introduce a new "significant other" to the child before the other parent believes that they should and this might also be called "abusive" to the child. Alternatively one parent might enroll a child in an activity with which the other parent disagrees and this activity is, in actuality, a difference of parental opinion that is now described as being abusive in nature. These examples, as trivial as they seem individually, may be suggestive of a theme of treating parental difference in inappropriately subjective judgmental terms. If this theme is present, all manner of things can be described in ways that convey the message of abuse, either directly or indirectly. When this phenomenon occurs in literally thousands of different ways and times, each of which seems insignificant on its own, the emotional atmosphere that it creates carries a clearly alienating effect on the child.

Obviously, this type of acrimony is very common in dissolution actions but such conflict should not necessarily be mistaken or be taken as illustrative of the PAS syndrome; however, the criteria is clearly present and identifiable when the parent is eager to hurl abuse allegations, rather than being cautious, careful. and even reluctant to do so. This latter stance is more in keeping with the parent's responsibility to encourage and affirmatively support a relationship with the other parent. The responsible parent will only allege abuse after he or she has tried and failed to rationalize why the issue at hand is not abusive. Simply put, the responsible parent will give the other parent the benefit of the doubt when such allegations arise. He or she will, if anything, err on the side of denial, whereas the alienating parent will not miss an opportunity to accuse the other parent. When this theme is present in a clear and consistent way, this criteria for PAS is met.

Criteria III: Deterioration in Relationship Since Separation

The third of the criteria necessary for the detection of PAS is probably the least described or identified, but critically is one of the most important. It has to do with the existence of a positive relationship between the minor children and the now absent or nonresidential parent, prior to the marital separation; and a substantial deterioration, of it since then. Such a recognized decline does not occur on its own. It is, therefore, one of the most important indicators of the presence of alienation as well. as a full measure of its relative "success." By way of example, if a father had a good and involved relationship with the children prior to the separation, and a very distant one since, then one can only assume without explicit proof to the contrary that something caused it to change. If this father is clearly trying to maintain a positive relationship with the children through observance of visitation and other activities and the children do not want to see him or have him involved in their lives, then one can only speculate that an alienation process may have been in operation. Children do not naturally lose interest in and become distant from their nonresidential parent simply by virtue of the absence of that parent. Also, healthy and established parental relationships do not erode naturally of their own accord. They must be attacked. Therefore, any dramatic change in this area is virtually always an indicator of an alienation process that has had some success in the past.

Most notably, if a careful evaluation of the pre-separation parental relationship is not made, its omission creates an impression that the troubled or even alienated status that exists since is more or lees an accurate summary of what existed previously. Note that nothing could be further from the truth! An alienated or even partially or intermittently alienated relationship with the nonresidential parent and the children after the separation is more accurately a distortion of the real parental relationship in question. Its follow-through is often overlooked in the hysterical atmosphere that is often present in these cases. A careful practitioner well knows that a close examination is warranted and that it must be conducted with the utmost detail and scrutiny.

If this piece of the puzzle is left out, the consequences can be quite devastating for the survival of this relationship. Also, without this component, the court can be easily swayed into premature closure or fooled into thinking that the turmoil of the separation environment is representative of the true parent-child relationship. Once this ruling is made by the court, it is an exacting challenge to correct its perception.

In a separate but related issue, a word should be said about the use of experts. First, it must be understood that all mental health professionals are not aware of nor know how to treat the PAS phenomenon. In fact, when a mental health professional unfamiliar with PAS is called upon to make a recommendation about custody, access, or related issues, he or she potentially can do more harm than good. For example, if the psychologist fails to investigate the pre-separation relationship of the nonresidential parent and the children, he or she may very easily mistake the current acrimony in that relationship to be representative of it, and recommend that the children should have less visitation with that parent, obviously supporting the undiagnosed PAS that is still in progress. If that expert also fails to evaluate critically the abuse claims or the agenda of the claimant, they may be taken at face value and again potentially support the undiagnosed PAS. If that professional is not also sensitive to the subtleties of access and contact blocking as its motivator, he or she may potentially support it, thereby contributing to the PAS process. When these things occur, the mental health professional expert has actually become part of the PAS, albeit unwittingly. Alarmingly, this happens often. Suffice it to say, if PAS is suspected, the attorney should closely and carefully evaluate the mental health professional's investigation and conclusion. Failure to do so can cause irreparable harm to the case, and, ultimately to the children.

Criteria IV: Intense Fear Reaction by Children

The fourth criteria necessary for the detection of PAS is admittedly more psychological than the first three. It refers to an obvious fear reaction on the part of the children, of displeasing or disagreeing with the potentially alienating parent in regard to the absent or potential target parent. Simply put, an alienating parent operates by the adage, "My way or the highway." If the children disobey this directive, especially in expressing positive approval of the absent parent, the consequences can be very serious. It is not uncommon for an alienating parent to reject the child(ren), often telling him or her that they should go live with the target parent. When this does occur one often sees that this threat is not carried out, yet it operates more as a message of constant warning. The child, in effect, is put into a position of being the alienating parent's "agent'' and is continually being put through various loyalty tests. The important issue here is that the alienating patent thus forces the child to choose parents. This, of course, is in direct opposition to a child's emotional well being.

In order to fully appreciate this scenario, one must realize that the PAS process operates in a "fear based" environment. It is the installation of fear by the alienating parent to the minor children that is the fuel by which this pattern is driven; this fear taps into what psychoanalysis tell us is the most basic emotion inherent in human nature--the fear of abandonment. Children under these conditions live in a state of chronic upset and threat of reprisal. When the child does dare to defy the alienating parent, they quickly learn that there is a serious price to pay. Consequently, children who live such lives develop an acute sense of vigilance over displeasing the alienating parent. The sensitized observer can see this in visitation plans that suddenly change for no apparent reason. For example, when the appointed time approaches, the child suddenly changes his or her tune and begins to loudly protest a visit that was not previously complained about. It is in these instances that a court, once suspecting PAS must enforce in strict terms the visitation schedule which otherwise would not have occurred or would have been ignored.

The alienating parent can most often be found posturing bewilderment regarding the sudden change in their child's feelings about the visit. In fact, the alienating parent often will appear to be the one supporting visitation. This scenario is a very common one in PAS families. It is standard because it encapsulates and exposes, if only for an instant, the fear-based core of the alienation process. Another way to express this concept would be that whenever the child is given any significant choice in the visitation, he or she is put in the position to act out a loyalty to the alienating parent's wishes by refusing to have the visitation at all with the absent parent. Failure to do so opens the door for that child's being abandoned by the parent with whom the child lives the vast majority of the time. Children, under these circumstances, will simply not opt on their own far a free choice. The court must thus act expeditiously to protect them and employ a host of specific and available remedies.(6)

As a consequence of the foregoing, these children learn to manipulate. Children often play one parent against the other in an effort to gain some advantage. In the case of PAS, the same dynamic operates at more desperate level. No longer manipulating to gain advantage, these children learn to manipulate just to survive. They become expert beyond their years at reading the emotional environment, telling partial truths, and then telling out-and-out lies. One must, however, remember that these are survival strategies that they were forced to learn in order to keep peace at home and avoid emotional attack by the residential parent. Given this understanding, it is perhaps easier to see why children, in an effort to cope with this situation, often find it easier if they begin to internalize the alienating parent's perceptions of the absent parent and begin to echo these feelings. This is one of the most compelling and dramatic effects of PAS, that is, hearing a child vilifying the absent parent and joining the alienating parent in such attacks. If one is not sensitive to the "fear-based" core at the heart of this, it is difficult not to take the child's protests at face value. This, of course, is compounded when the expert is also not sensitive to this powerful fear component, and believes that the child is voicing his or her own inner feelings in endorsing the "no visitation" plan.

Conclusion

All the criteria listed above can be found independent of each other in highly contested dissolutions, but remember that the appearance of some of them does not always constitute PAS. When all four are clearly present, however, add the possibility of real abuse has been reasonably ruled out, the parental alienation process is operative. This does not necessarily mean, however, that it is succeeding in that the children are being successfully alienated from the target parent. The best predictor of successful alienation is directly related to the success of the alienating parent at keeping the children from the target parent. When there are substantial periods in which they do not see the other parent, the children are more likely to be poisoned by the process. Another variable that predicts success is the child's age. Younger children generally are more vulnerable than older ones. Also, another variable is the depth and degree of involvement of the pre-separation parent-child relationship. The longer and more involved that relationship, the less vulnerable will be the children to successful alienation. The final predictor is the parental tenacity of the target parent. A targeted parent often gives up and walks away, thus greatly increasing the chances of successful alienation.

The question remains: What if all four criteria are present, but the children are not successfully alienated? Should this failure at alienation be seen as nullifying the attempt at alienation? The answer to that should be a resounding "No!" It should be, but often it is not. It is very common to read a psychological evaluation or a GAL's report that identified PAS but then notes that since it was not successful, it should not be taken very seriously. Nothing could be further from the truth. Any attempt at alienating the children from the other parent should be seen as a direct and willful violation of one of the prime duties of parenthood, which is to promote and encourage a positive and loving relationship with the other parent, and the concept of shared parental responsibility.

It is our feeling that when attempted PAS has been identified, successful or not, it must be dealt with swiftly by the court. If it is not, it will contaminate and quietly control all other parenting issues and then lead only to unhappiness, frustration, and, lastly, parental estrangement.

1 PAS syndrome applies and relates equally to the nonresidential, as well as the residential parent. D.C. Rand, The Spectrum of Parental Alienation Syndrome. 15 Am. J. Forensic Psychol. No. 3 (1997).

2 S.S. Clawar and B.V. Rivlin, Children Held Hostage: Dealing with Programmed and Brainwashed Children, A.B.A. (1991).

3 M. Walsh and J.M. Bone. Parental Alienation Syndrome: An Age-Old Custody Problem, 71 Fla. B.J. 93 (June 1997).

4 N. Theonnee and P.G. Tjaden, The Extent, Nature and Validity of Sexual Abuse Allegations in Custody Visitation Disputes, 12 Child Abuse and Neglect 151-63 (1990).

5 National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect, Washington, D.C.: Department of Health and Human Services, 2998, Contract 105-85-1702.

6 The appointment of a guardian ad litem, the appointment of an expert to conduct a psychological evaluation of the child and the parents, the employment of make-up or substitute access and contact, or an enlargement of same to the nonresidential parent, and as previously suggested by the authors in their last article, a consideration for entry of a multidirectional order. Walsh and Bone, supra note .3

J. Michael Bone, Ph.D., is a sole practice psychotherapist and certified family law mediator in Maitland. He concentrates in divorce and post-divorce issues involving minor children, and has a special interest in PAS. He has served as on expert witness on these and related topics and has been appointed by the court to make recommendations involving PAS and families.

Michael R. Walsh is a sole practitioner in Orlando. He is a board certified marital and family law lawyer, certified mediator and arbitrator, and a fellow of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. For more than 20 years, he has been a frequent lecturer and author for The Florida Bar.

This column is submitted on behalf of the Family Law Section, Jane L. Estreicher, chair, and Sharon O. Taylor, editor.

Terry · May 31, 2011