Crystal and Freedog

[Crystal]

I am feeling real stupid. What I'm feeling and thinking is mixed up and I don't know if I can put it into words on paper.

 

I feel like a yo-yo.

 

Of course I had a meltdown at the Intensive, my husband was working like he never worked before at being grown up and looking good for Joel and Kathy and everybody. He was happy that we "look normal".

 

Of course I won't ever have another melt down with him again, because his maturity will never happen on its own again. I have to help him and I'm done helping. I'm done rewarding. I'm done teaching. I'm done being patient.

 

The back and forth stuff he was doing before the Intensive? He still does that and it happens many times in one day and it makes me nuts.

 

Does this happen in other homes? I can't trust his maturity, because when my weaknesses begin showing, his weakness competes and when his weakness is showing, my own arrested development clicks in: I "grow up" and begin taking care of him. I think I uncovered a truth that my feelings shut down when I am taking care of him. I feel nothing, but I look and sound mature to my husband, because I'm taking care of him and helping him back out of his slump. Then as I help him out of his slump and help him talk to me with respect etc---I am a yo-yo and start opening up to him again and now I'm done. I am determined to only follow his lead. Today I'm only talking to him about superficial things like bluebird houses and the weather. Seriously----It's not one good day and one bad day, it's moment by moment and it's making me crazy. I'm done. I'm outa here emotionally. I'm gone. It's insane. But he can look so good and sound so good, even to me! And then he drops it and then he's sorry and I help him up again. and again.

 

I'm failing at homeschooling too. I'm a failure in friendships too. I've been focussing so much on my marriage.

 

Do my two dreams mean anything to anybody? I woke up in a panic from two bad dreams in less than three hours last night. The first dream I was in some kind of a class and i don't remember the details, but black witchcraft was moving in on me and pushing me to the back edge of the classroom until it couldn't push me anymore. A faceless somebody pulled me out of the classroom into awakeness with a pounding heart and squeezing anxiety. I looked at the clock and realized my husband should have been home by that time and i started panicking. I thought how ironic---how many times have I awakened at night thinking that my husband had died in a car wreck coming home from work----even two or three years ago, I would have felt nothing about him dying. I guess it's a good sign that now I panic at the thought in the middle of the night instead of counting the insurance money that I would be getting. Sorry. I didn't last night----my thoughts last night were more typical of what you would expect a wife to feel when she thinks her husband might be dead. Sorry to be so blunt----but I'm feelingless and cold----it was actually reassuring to me to feel something. Anyhow, my husband arrived home soon after I awakened from my dream and I went back to sleep. After awhile I awakened from a similar dream where I was rescued from something horrible----by some unseen human. In the second dream, I had been in the woods by sort of a creek and strangely, I was working on some scientific experiments and something in the woods, like a wild animal was about to attack. Just weird that I had two similar heart pounding dreams in one night. I don't ever sleep well, but don't always have dreams.

 

Sorry if this doesn't make sense and doesn't fit nicely in with my good reports of my husband's behavior in previous posts. I don't respect my own feelings.

[Pebbles]

I am feeling real stupid.

 

You may FEEL this way. But you are NOT stupid.

 

I feel like a yo-yo.

 

You feel like a yo-yo because that is exactly what your husband is initiating in your relationship. One minutes he's up, the next minute he's down... you are a mirror for him as a responder. Realize this and don't be hard on yourself for feeling this way. You are MADE to respond. Your husband is supposed to clue into this and say, "Wow. I am really inconsistent here. This is NOT fair to my wife. Look at the effect it has on her..."

 

I "grow up" and begin taking care of him. I think I uncovered a truth that my feelings shut down when I am taking care of him. I feel nothing, but I look and sound mature to my husband, because I'm taking care of him and helping him back out of his slump.

 

I just want to clarify. Being a helpmeet to your husband does not mean that you "take care of him." When you say you are helping him out of his slump, do you mean you communicate to him what it is that you are needing and what he is supposed to be doing? That is helping him. You can't do it for him. That will drain you. It is not your responsibility to pull him out of his slump. He needs to figure that out on his own. He is to be looking to the Lord for his strength and encouragement, not to you. Your job is to mirror to him what he is giving you. Respond warmly when he is doing things that minister to your heart and communicate clearly to him when he is doing things that hurt you.

 

What you are feeling right now is totally normal. I have heard many other woman express the same exact feelings when their husbands are in this on and off cycle.

 

Your husband is not creating a safe place for you right now. I am not particularly gifted at figuring out dreams, but what immediately sticks out to me is that you are scared, Crystal, and understandably so. Your heart has been opening to FreeDog and he has disappointed you. Maybe you feel trapped, backed in a corner (like the first dream)? Maybe you feel like his recent slump came out of nowhere (like the animals about to attack in the second dream)? You have been somewhat "in the woods" (new territory) doing a scientific experiment (they say combine A, B, and C and get D), right? This process can be scary!!

 

I KNOW you are tired. This process does require work. You are creating a whole new pattern in your relationship. It takes time and it takes diligence. Give yourself some permission to rest. Don't take everything on yourself and come to your husband's rescue. Freedog needs to grow up. When you stop taking care of him, it will force him to grow up. For example, you are tired today. What if you tell him that? Let him figure out what to do for dinner tonight. That's good for him. Take a break and let him carry some of the load. My hunch is that you do a lot of "carrying" in the relationship. It's too much. He needs to step up to the plate.

 

I'm failing at homeschooling too. I'm a failure in friendships too. I've been focussing so much on my marriage.

 

You aren't failing. You are LEARNING. You have been focused on your marriage because you desperately want to be happy. That is not a bad thing. This is a specific season. It's okay if you are more focused on your marriage right now than on other things. But if you really feel like you need connection elsewhere, take some time and have coffee with a friend. Get out of the house. Give yourself a break from the intensity of it all. Get some stress relief.

 

I know that today is a hard day and everything feels raw. It's okay. We ALL have those days. Maybe this is a good time to stop and ask yourself if you have been taking care of FreeDog a little too much. Focus on communicating what you need, not on taking care of him.

 

You are going to get through this, Crystal. I am really glad that you came here and let us know what is in your heart today. It is SO much better than keeping it inside.

[Crystal]

Your insight is appreciated and right on the nose, Pebbles. Thank-you for the affirmations and for "giving me permission" to let myself have a bad day.

Pebbles said:

Your husband is supposed to clue into this and say, "Wow. I am really inconsistent here. This is NOT fair to my wife. Look at the effect it has on her..."

Freedog feels like he is the yo-yo being jerked back and forth by an unseen force. That's because he's responding to me responding---in this one thing, he IS consistant!!

 

Pebbles said:

I just want to clarify. Being a helpmeet to your husband does not mean that you "take care of him."

From my childhood---my daddy's feelings took priority over mine and over everybody else's feelings. It was probably a "normal" household, but I can see where I got it from.

Good for me (?) to have pity parties now and then.

 

Pebbles said:

I am not particularly gifted at figuring out dreams, but what immediately sticks out to me is that you are scared,

I think you did a good job of helping me figure out what was going on in my head. Your insight makes sense to me. It may really be my own husband closing in on me...it feels he is pressing on me with his drive to "be a great husband" so that it feels suffocating. I DO feel trapped, because his definition of a great husband possibly resembles a phantom of what might have been a great husband for his MOTHER. Or some derived delusion of what a great husband is. Thus his focus is on himself rather than on me...although he insists otherwise.

 

We get some weird psychological stuff going on here in our house sometimes: My insecurties vs. his insecurities and sadly, frustratingly it happens more and more during the hour or two before bedtime. Stinkin' devil wants to take our cuddle time and lovin' time away.

 

This is from my post on my husband's thread:

All I really want from Freedog is understanding, respect, sincerity and honesty. There's probably more, but that's all I can think of at the moment. I don't need laundry or dishes or vacuuming or wood chopped. Those things will not win my heart. But understanding wows me. Respect thrills me. Speaking to me sincerely and honestly, but without honest words that hurt me...like some of the "honest" things he told me this weekend. I can do without that kind of honesty. What I mean is the kind of honesty that when something sincere is said to me that it doesn't contradict something he tells me a few minutes later. That kind of honesty. The kind of honesty that cares more about me than it cares about himself.

 

My husband did something really really good one evening when we had the house to ourselves, no kids at home. I initiated it, it wasn't his own idea, but he took me through the house and HE prayed for every room, especially focusing on our bedroom and the pieces of furniture involving his former sex addiction. It's actually the first time he's prayed outloud with me for over two decades, not counting mealtime blessings and church prayers.

 

It could have led into a wonderful time in bed together, but it seemed like it scared him or made him big-headed or something. He couldn't handle being mature for the rest of the evening. Get the picture? He does fabulous and then he runs away into his own head like a scared puppy.

 

He told me he wouldn't be reading my thread for awhile. He read one of my happy posts last week and it went to his head too.

 

Pebbles said:

You are going to get through this, Crystal. I am really glad that you came here and let us know what is in your heart today. It is SO much better than keeping it inside.

 

Thank-you very much. My complaints seem so very trite sometimes. I feel ashamed of myself. I need to re-read Hegstrom's comments on guilt and shame...

[Pebbles]

Freedog feels like he is the yo-yo being jerked back and forth by an unseen force. That's because he's responding to me responding---in this one thing, he IS consistant!!

 

You got it! Now HE needs to get it.

 

I DO feel trapped, because his definition of a great husband possibly resembles a phantom of what might have been a great husband for his MOTHER. Or some derived delusion of what a great husband is.

 

Yikes... no wonder his efforts are coming out sideways. Do you think that Freedog is aware of this in himself? Maybe he needs to be reminded, "You are supposed to be becoming the man of MY dreams. And to do that you need to read MY marriage manual." This reminds me of what Joel talks about how many men think they know what to do as a husband because they "know what women want." But that misses the point. He needs to figure out what YOU want... that is where the healing happens.

 

Thank-you very much. My complaints seem so very trite sometimes. I feel ashamed of myself. I need to re-read Hegstrom's comments on guilt and shame...

 

I don't hear trite complaints. I hear a woman who is engaging in this process and wanting to understand why she is still feeling off balance. You are doing GREAT!

[JoelandKathy]

Pebbles is doing a great job here.

 

There is a struggle that goes on in women who have a "melancholy" base to their temperament. We LOVE the postives of melancholies! They help us stay organized.. ha!

 

The struggle is that there are two different "people" struggling for expression.

 

There is the very sensitive person at the core who wants continual improvement - and that is a good thing! The drawback is that they have to struggle to "stop and smell the roses" and be happy with the positives in life today.

 

So you have the very sensitive person who is striving for perfection and they are frustrated that they have a hard time being happy in the here and now.

 

So you have the person pressing for perfection - and the other "person" wanting to be happy and VERY frustrated that they are not happy.

 

For the most dysfunctional of melancholies, this is often heard said about them: "They are never happy" or "they are always miserable with a cloud over their head" or "if happiness fell out of the sky, they would get an umbrella and complain about the rain."

 

As Pebbles said,

 

I don't hear trite complaints. I hear a woman who is engaging in this process and wanting to understand why she is still feeling off balance. You are doing GREAT!

 

You are embracing your sensitive side, with desire for improvement - AND you are fighting your negative side - by asking yourself, "am I being too picky."

 

Stay aware of this:

 

Press for perfection

 

but

 

Enjoy the good today

 

and

 

Being careful not to be too picky.

 

It sounds like you are walking that balance pretty good - and as Freedog continues to improve and you continue to respond warmly while pointing out 1 out of 3 or even 2 out of 3 mis-steps on his part, then you will keep getting more balanced in walking in a happy place with your temperament base.

 

Interesting thing is that Freedog is of the same temperament base that you have - but he and you both have enough phlegmatic to make things palatable.

 

We had one couple that had both husband and wife being melancholy across the board and that was like the marriage from hell - and it was a 1st marriage with two Christians! They were both negative, angry, depressed, wanted perfection and no one was going to tell EITHER of them what to do! When we taught on sex, she (who had not made love in two years!) stormed out of the room in anger that we were SUGGESTING that she needed to participate in lovemaking with her husband!

 

Thank God that you two are BOTH willing to work toward this restoration.

 

That peanut butter story is like twilight zone! Lying over peanut butter! Congratulations that you did not totally "tank" on that alone... but you two are going to make it.

 

Forward march!

[Crystal]

I knew there was something nutty going on in my head, but I couldn't figure it out. That helps. Thanks Joel, I appreciate your input as well as Pebbles'.

[KathyandJoel]

Hi there Crystal,

 

just checked out ya'lls posts...(yours and freedogs)

 

He mentioned something about a "birdfeeder" situation and how he has to put his "spin" on things.

 

That is normal still in this process. It takes some time to "relearn" and change those synapes in the brain. For him to learn to "think about you " at all times and what matters to you, especially since you checked out how far apart the Bird feeders should be etc, will defiately come about as he becomes more and more consistant.

 

Keep speaking up, reminding him to "not fill in the gaps" but to just let you talk.

 

Speaking of Birdfeeder. I just put together a "birdfeeder" paradise thing. It has 3 birdfeeders and a birdbath all in one little set up.

 

So since I just had a half inch piece of glass surgically removed from my foot yesterday, I was/am required by the doctor to stay off my foot.....sooooo while I was sitting and being a good GIRRL I put together this "Bird Paradise." (not as classy as the picture made it look, but it's still cute.)

 

In our house I am the one who takes care of almost every project that needs done.....Joel is MY helper when I need a helping hand......or one of the kidz! Whomever is available at the time. I really enjoy that kind of stuff.

 

I (Kathy, not Joel have my own drill, saw, electric sander, staple gun, pink tools,(yardsale) and stud finder (FOR THE WALL not in finding a man/stud I have a STUD already, don't need another one. )I even have my own "leather handywoman belt ($3 at the goodwill)....and tool box to keep it all in. I love it.

 

Josiah and I build our "Bowflex together years ago." Every nut and bolt was put on by us...it was our project and noone else was allowed to help, not even Joel. That was nice.

 

In High School, between "wood shop" and cooking class.....I liked woodshop 100% better and Joel liked "cooking class." Were a match made in Heaven.

 

The only thing I can't do around the house is "electrical stuff." Yes, I can put in a light bulb and plug things in, but that is all where electricity is concerned.

 

If there is a "lid" I can't open for some reason, I yell through the house, "I need a MAN," and Joel comes running. My HERO!

 

Well, you are in good hands. Pebbles, Giving Hope and the rest of our fabulous moderators/helpers are doing a great job.

 

Let me know if you need anything....txt me, Blessings,

 

Kathy of Joel and Kathy

[Crystal]

Pebbles said:

I hear a woman who is engaging in this process and wanting to understand why she is still feeling off balance. You are doing GREAT!

 

Joel said

So you have the person pressing for perfection - and the other "person" wanting to be happy and VERY frustrated that they are not happy.

 

Kathy said

That is normal still in this process.

 

Thank-you all three for taking time to reassure me. I thought I was going crazy. But you brought me some peace.

 

For one thing, before the Intensive I thought of myself as sanguine/phlegmatic from a self test at home. I think now that the sanguine was my survival mode. But it also makes me know that I CAN be happy.

 

Last week I was believing and telling Freedog that I wish I had never heard of Joel and Kathy. I was so discouraged and felt so hopeless. I felt like I was more content and happy before I ever found their website.

 

You might wonder why I gave "God Save My Marriage" a second look if I was content before. I was looking on the internet for ways for me to be at peace with a passive-aggressive husband. I wasn't looking to change him, but for ways for me to improve my life in the condition we were in. I was one of those wives who fluff up their home situation to make it look good. I was in complete denial. I run into women like that all the time, "He's a good man, he loves me in his own way, he does the best he can." When I eventually clicked onto "God Save My Marriage" and everything made perfect sense to me then my mission was instantly changed. Three long years ago!! Everything should be all better now. I should be helping other women by now, not crying to you all!! True. It's only been 8 weeks since our Intensive...and though Freedog had most of the head knowledge before the Intensive, it didn't make entry into his heart until the Intensive.

 

I think I've been in a borderline depression for months---with Freedog constantly going back and forth, I was insecure and I was isolating myself from friends and family from embarrassment about my situation. For months, maybe half a year I have spent very little time with my sisters and friends or my mom. I normally love writing letters, and I haven't been writing letters lately---it's been too hard to know what to say. Last week when I tore up two letters I had tried to write to my best friend, I knew something was wrong. OK, not to worry. I'm rising above it.

 

Joel's post helped so much. It's weird to have someone who doesn't know me to be able to describe what's going on in my head: "So you have the very sensitive person who is striving for perfection and they are frustrated that they have a hard time being happy in the here and now." and sympathizing with me about Freedog's "peanut butter story". "Lying over peanut butter! Congratulations that you did not totally "tank" on that alone".

 

I need to come to terms with my melancholy. Freedog needs to embrace my melancholy too, as he's often used his own melancholy as an excuse.

 

I forced myself to sit down and journal this week. I literally forced it, but once I got started it was hard to stop and it was very cathartic. I have not looked back at what I wrote yet. I'm not done writing yet. There's still more. I did read one page aloud to Freedog and it helped him and me. This is the page I read:

 

I'll tell you what I lived with and thought I was being a bad wife for not agape loving him. He was irresponsible, self-centered, selfgratifying, arrogant, impatient, rude, disrespectful, uncaring, unkind, ungrateful, overly sensitive, greedy, obsessive, grouchy, stubborn, argumentative, rebellious, demanding, jealous, unfaithful, hypocritical, deceitful, obscene and angry... it goes on...

 

You get the idea, you know the sort of guy. The thing that's interesting to me is that I can admit all this now. In past years of journaling, I might have been affected by a single one of those things listed and journal for pages starting out something like, "It seems like he was being greedy, but the reason I felt that way is because..." and then explain it away until I could feel at peace about it. I have volumes of examples of that kind of writing. So I was happy back then. I made myself be happy. Now, when Freedog is being honest about something in the past...like for example recently he was reading me some passages in the Bible about vain glory and he was telling me how wrong it was for him to have done such and such for vain glory and it will have been something that in the past I sensed as him doing something for vain glory, but I explained it away in my head as me misinterpreting his motives. So...he's sitting there thinking he's telling me some fabulous insight and I'm feeling the impact of the revelation.

 

For whatever reason, Freedog was much better this weekend. Maybe that I read to him what I wrote about his pre-Joel and Kathy status. I told him that now, even if his offense is minor---such as lying about peanut butter, it touches a hurt in me and brings back that whole person that he WAS. Maybe he had thought that I should be aware of and appreciate his struggle. Whatever. He was much more gentle with me. He did not yank me back and forth. He slipped up a few times, but he caught his own mistakes before it was able to stir up any hurt in me---It's all in his attitude when he slips up. Maybe he'll be able to give some insight on his own thread about how he was able to hold steady---we didn't spend any time on evaluating and fixing him, so I don't know what was going on that he was able to be successful. It wasn't because *I* was steady. I know that if he would have messed up that I was close enough to the edge and I would have cracked---his success didn't come from me.

 

It helped also that he let go of me for a time during this weekend and he *let* me spend the morning with my sister at her yardsale. He admits that sometimes he thinks that "being a good husband" means being with me all the time. I was able to be relaxed and open with my sister, laugh and have fun. Freedog suffocates me sometimes out of his "goodness" it was good to be able to break away...and also know he wasn't home brooding. Those melancholies!

 

Kathy, I know you probably won't be reading this, but I hope you know how much I appreciate your note of encouragement. I bought a new feeding station (with a built in bird bath) last week too. That was last week, while I wasn't feeling well I had to make sure Freedog knew that *I* was going to put it together and that I would not appreciate him doing it for me. Neat that Joel liked the cooking classes in H.S. and you liked the construction. It's cool to know that about you.

 

And Pebbles, I truly want you to know how much I appreciate the time you take with me and with others on the forum---I cherish your responses to others as well as on my thread. You are very awesome!!

[Eeyore]

Crystal,

 

I have been kinda out of touch with the forum, and I was just reading your thread to see how things are going. It has been a couple of weeks since you posted. How are things going? Any updates?

 

I am married to a very melancholy man. It definitely has its strengths! He is learning to lighten up and be a little more spontaneous (from me), or at least allow me to be spontaneous, without squashing it! It is a learning process.

 

The temperament analysis helped us learn so much about each other. My husband is able to see what I need and meet those needs so much better now that he understand them. And I am able to respond in ways that bless him better as well. HD is careful not to allow his temperament to be an excuse to NOT bless me (because his temperament is different than mine), but as a wonderful insight into my mind.

 

As Joel said, melancholies have great positives!! And if you can follow his advice and learn to enjoy life without being too hard on yourself, that is a very good thing!!

 

Praying that things are going well for you!

[Crystal]

Thank-you for asking about me, Eeyore. It's nice to be remembered.

 

It's just been more of the same here.

 

T-giving weekend wasn't good. We hosted both my family and his. His mother monopolized me---draining me----and I was not able to visit much with my family. i see more of my mother-in-law than anybody and still she isn't satisfied. I'm just venting. Freedog was not in the mood to take on my venting and so shut me out and even ran away to the mall without telling me where he was going. We had to go to my mil's house Saturday and her dog chewed my new glasses beyond repair and so now I have to go back to my old frames & lenses and will probably have to put up with these for 2 more years until the insurance will help me with getting another pair. I believe that certainly because I am now officially melancholy that I should have been able to shriek and groan and moan when my good glasses were destroyed, but I didn't. I took it all in stride and said it was my own fault. Freedog seemed to be-little the situation and wouldn't let me even mention my sadness about it. He was a stinker for most of the weekend. He eventually apologized and validated my feelings, but not after making me put up with his moodiness all weekend. Just venting. Tired. Frustrated. Nothing new. His new pen name disgusts me, "Free dog". I do not like dogs and "Free dogs" can do whatever they want. Waa waa. aren't you sorry you asked.

[FreeDog]

Crystal, Iam so sorry that i have been so inconsistant, it is not fair at all to put you through it. If anyone could embrace your melancholy it should be me. part of dieing to myself means that i have to die to my moods and serve you.

 

Sorry that I have only now realized that i should be posting here because we are working on an OHM (actually you mentioned it, if not I'd still be in OZ) and we are working towards a one flesh relationship.

[Crystal]

I believe you.

 

Thanks for joining me on our thread instead of acting like we're working against each other.

 

I told you I'd write more, but I can't think of anything to tell you that hasn't already been said before (over and over and over again.)

 

Prob'ly see you tomorrow.

[Crystal]

This quote from J. R. Miller (1840 - 1912) was in my email this morning.

"Since he had no sword, he ran over and pulled Goliath's sword from its sheath. David used it to kill the giant and cut off his head!" 1 Samuel 17:50-51

 

If he had not cut off the giant's head--the old Philistine champion would have gotten up by and by, and walked away; for he was only stunned, not killed, by the stone. David made sure work of his victory!

 

A great many of our attacks upon sin in our own hearts, and in the world--only stun, and do not kill the evil. We walk away, thinking we have done a fine thing. But shortly, we meet the 'old giant' again, stalking abroad as before! He soon recovers from our blow, and we have to fight the battle over; and perhaps we fight it again in the same half-hearted way--and thus on and on, to the end of our life!

 

Most of us have had just such experience as this, with our own evil lusts and passions. We overcome them very often, and think each time that we are through with them--but soon again they are as active as ever.

 

We need to learn a lesson from David--and finish our victories by cutting off the head of every giant we strike down!

 

There is no other way of killing sins!

 

The life is in the head--and the head must be struck off--or the enemy will be facing us again in a day or two, with but a scar on his forehead!

 

The only way to get a real victory over vices--is to decapitate them! Bruises and wounds are not enough. There must be thorough work done, in the name of the Lord. Half-way measures will not avail.

 

"Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry." Colossians 3:5

 

Reminded me of you and all your ah-ha moments that last no longer than a flash. I seem to be willing to always make excuses for you, but maybe you aren't thoroughly and completely destroying all the pride, arrogance, selfishness, greed and self-pity? That's not something I can step in and do for you dear.

[FreeDog]

Crystal, I enjoyed our discussion on Saturday about what love means to you, I do think it shed some light. I really do pray you get some much needed consistency and thanks for the Love Dare book, the devotionals are really good, a lot of food for thought ( yes, I still read 10 minutes after work).

 

I don't remember much about this weekend, I do remember driving up to St. Clare (I think that's where we went) I really wasn't with you in heart, wasn't until the drive home that things slipped into the right place.

 

I've enjoyed these past two days though. I did mess up today when i gave Crystal's mom the gift card for our son's b-day that she wanted Crystal to get for them. I, not thinking at all, took all the thanks for it although I did nothing to get it. Not much else to say, I'm tired, think I'll read and go to bed.

[FreeDog]

Really enjoyed the newsletter this morning crystal.

 

A woman's heart wants relationship, and at the core of a man's heart is control. i probably quoted this wrong but this is the gist of it.

 

As a women draws her heart near to bond with a man, the man's tendency is to see it as loss of control. in our case it is reflected as "let me give you a hug so that i can be in control of myself/you", or "I'll put a fence around the garden you wanted me to dig for you (even after you gave me specific directions that did not include a fence) so i can have some control."

 

I also see that I will need to sift the "Love Dare" actions through the sieve you gave me this weekend Crystal, that sieve being; care, concern and compassion for you, seeing things from your perspective. Not through my sieve of actions equating to love.

[FreeDog]

It has been almost two weeks since last post. It would be neat to say we are growing by leaps and bounds, but it has been more of the same. this past weekend was not too bad,Crystal stated that she would accept no less and in the future not even this. There was some waivering Friday but no falling, Saturday we ran into a rough spot but pulled out.

 

I am starting hypothalamus training, faith talking, telling my brain that "I am a mature Christian man."' "Crystal's teddy bear and strong place." Which this is all true as in Christ we already have the victory, it is a done deal, but Satan hates togetherness and will deceive and keep us from walking in that victory.

 

My mom is very stressful for Crystal and it becomes worse at holidays because I would never be there for her but would self medicate and let her deal with her on her own. I realize this now and will work to change that this year, , allowing her to vent is the first stage of it.

 

As God reveals the secrets of my heart, usually through my helpmeet, i am learning about all kinds of fears. Confessing them and leaving them with Jesus has caused some growth. For instance, ever since we dated years ago reconnection with her has been an anxiety producing situation because of a fear of rejection. Jesus never rejects us we can be confident that no matter what people do He will never forsake of leave us, that is the truth, the lie is I am not worthy of any love.

 

Another fear revealed was fear of maturing, getting out of my comfort zone when the fact of the matter is that maturity is so much more comforting. but these things in darkness need to come to light because they need healing, so that Crystal can be healed and enjoy the life she has been blessed with in Christ, and that we can help our sons to maturity. I caused alot of damage, some of which is just starting to come to light.

[FreeDog]

These next two weeks i get off work an hour and a half early so that I get home right as or right before Crystal goes to sleep. Neither one of us is used to this, trying to initiate LM last night I totally was in my own head thinking of my own desires and not thinking of Crystal, thankfully there was no "reward" for the behavior. One difference between last night and others is that it is viewed as a learning experience this time instead of as a tantrum as in the past.

 

I am still operating from a place of trying to love from the outside in instead of the inside out. meaning that I still get caught up in doing tasks to show love, instead of letting the love come from the heart and generate "true" acts of love, that come from care and concern.

 

Thanks for sharing HD's post this morning and your post about brokenness and pride. Brokenness being the realization that I can not live this life for Christ, I cannot love my wife as Christ loved the church; but through Christ (through Him living inside and guiding) ALL things are possible and nothing is impossible. i t becomes impossible when in pride we say "Yeah, I can do it". The only way that the fruit of the Spirit will ever manifest in our lives is through brokenness, pride only puts up a mask of fruit.

 

Walking in front of my mom and Crystal's family will involve brokenness in that I do not put on any masks, to RELAX and be broken/humble before Christ.

 

Crystal has told me time and time again what she needs from me is understanding, respect, sincerity (singleness of purpose, dropping of the masks), and honesty. To show care and concern for her. The covert things of love not the overt things. I should understand by now how to love her and help her feel relaxed, which would start with treating her the opposite of how I treated her for the past twenty-three years. I really look forward to the New year ahead and loving Crystal from a mature, healed heart. lord knows she deserves it, she is the very definition of long suffering.

 

So... "I am a humble, mature Christian man, Crystal's teddy bear and strong place." (How long does it take to train a hypothalmus?)

[Crystal]

Good grief. Now, not only am I the hooker whose job it is to put you at ease, but now I'm the master who gives or takes rewards as I see fit. Who do you think I am?

[FreeDog]

I am so sorry Crystal, I don't ever want to take advantage of you and I am sorry for the times that i have made you feel like a hooker, it was very abusive of me. I know LM is a difficult area because of mine and others treatment of you as an object. Thank-you for sharing your feelings, I do not ever want to take advantage of you.

 

I do not think you are some master dishing out rewards or with holding them, you are my lover and friend, my equal and confidant whom I love very much.

[Crystal]

[Crystal]

We've had one week, that's seven days of fair consistancy. It's incredible what one slim week can do to my own morale, sense of well-being and ability to reach out to others.

 

I seriously intend to call it quits if Freedog drops the ball one more time. Even though he understands and believes what Man of Her Dreams teaches, and he can completely behave like The Man of My Dreams one day and then can fall in the hole of darkness the very next day claiming not to understand or to be able to pull himself out. Whenever he does that I feel trapped and alone.

 

Christmas was pretty good. Freedog was a good host to our combined extended families. He made mistakes, but he was quick to hear my complaints without taking a nose dive. So weird---he tends to take nose dives with complaints and if I compliment he gets too big headed to live with, I called him on both without derailing him. I'm sorry, but I have to be careful what compliments I give, because those derail him too. What I mean by a "good host", dear is that you weren't a horrible host, so don't get too big headed. Sheesh. Anyhow, he's managed to keep himself fairly steady and I do appreciate that, because I feel so much better when he does. I wish that everyones' Christmas could have gone as well as ours did.

 

After Christmas dinner, some friends stayed and we played games through the evening. One of the games we played is one I gave Freedog in his Christmas stocking. The game is Fluxx. Excellent game! It's the game that the rules are constantly changing. A couple who stayed to play games with us are newlyweds and the new husband made the astute observation that ever-changing rules are a lot like learning how to be married. Freedog says that if he ever became a marriage counselor that he would use the game Fluxx to get men used to getting relaxed about changing rules.

 

Changing topics abruptly; I took an on-line test for anxieties that revealed I have "very severe" social anxiety. The test is sponsored by a drug company of course. I'm of the anti-medication persuasion. I use occassional St. John's Wort for mild depression, it helps. I think I might like to try something to help my social anxiety. It might help my feelings of isolation and loneliness. Just thinking. I read on-line that Kathy's 5-hour energy drink contains an ingredient Taurine that helps with social anxiety. Before church yesterday I used a half one and it really did help me feel more relaxed and I even spoke a clear sentence (at least to me it sounded clear) out loud in Sunday School class. Nobody laughed at me! I am aware that I have an awesome placebo effect---if I think I'm taking a medication that helps, then my mind plays right along---that's not a problem for me. I would love for my doctor to give me a sugar pill if she could convince me that it was garanteed to make me popular and beautiful, cause if she could convince me it's for real, then it would really work for me.

[Crystal]

I accidentally hit submit instead of preview, I wasn't done talkin.

 

I was going to add a couple more comments into my post somewhere. Some things that I believe are helping Freedog with consistancy is that we both have quit using the word inconsistant to describe him. That's something I can do to help. I'm trying to use the words "steady" and "safe" when talking about him instead of filling his heads with comments like "you're not able". It's not mothering to be using more positive terms to talk about him, because I would do the same thing for a girl friend. I wonder if the ultimatum helped too.

 

I think that's all now.

 

I wish you all a Wonderful NEW Year and a FABULOUS new decade!

[Pebbles]

I always enjoy your updates. They are so specific and honest.

 

He made mistakes, but he was quick to hear my complaints without taking a nose dive. So weird---he tends to take nose dives with complaints and if I compliment he gets too big headed to live with, I called him on both without derailing him. I'm sorry, but I have to be careful what compliments I give, because those derail him too.

 

I can understand that this is a very frustrating dynamic for you. So what if you "tweak" this a bit? What if you freely offer Freedog compliments when he is doing a good job, but also freely offer him your concerns about his tendency to get off track after hearing them? That way he can see that you recognize that he is taking the right steps to bless you AND that your heart still needs a track record of him being "steady." Does that make sense?

 

It is important for both of you that you offer encouragement to him. It will help him learn more about what blesses you, and it is the ingredient that causes healing to happen in your own heart... it is the warm response on your part that allows all of his efforts to be loving toward you to begin to mend the wounds in your heart. It's okay to freely offer praise AND be totally honest about your fears of him slipping up at the same time.

[Crystal]

Crystal is doing a wonderful job as a help meet. She compliments when appropriate and points out areas that need correcting freely and openly. She is not the problem, the problem comes when i over inflate, and as I stay focused on her it becomes less of a problem.

[FreeDog]

oops----that was me, not Crystal, didn't notice Crystal was logged on.

 

 

Crystal is doing a wonderful job as a help meet. She compliments when appropriate and points out areas that need correcting freely and openly. She is not the problem, the problem comes when i over inflate, and as I stay focused on her it becomes less of a problem.