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Hi. Yes, we were on the call for about an hour and a half.

 

We made it through day 3 with no crashes. I feel like I should give a thorough account of day 3, because that's the point we usually lose all progress. I see that I probably need to let a few more things slide by without mention, because by the end of the day Freedog seemed to be struggling. I brought a lot of things to his attention. He did not crash. Woohoo!

 

These are the general types of problems.

1. I warned him Friday night after LM not to discard the bond & intimacy we were feeling when we get up in the morning, but he did anyhow. When we got up it felt like he wasn't sure if I like him or not. A disconnect. Like, its hard for me to understand why he throws out the best part of LM.

2. Reacting. Not as much as usual and he made quicker than normal recovery.

3. Lots of difficulty making decisions. He leans heavily on me. I don't mind making decisions & our personality types supports that we can work that way, but it gets annoying to me when I have to lead him around life. He can make decisions & does fine taking care of himself when I'm not available.

4. General helplessness.

 

Yesterday when I pointed out specific examples of the issues, he could recognize it and handled it fairly well. Our day went fairly smoothly which means no crashes, but it felt like it wouldn't take much. He worked on 20/20/20/20 and we cuddled & he was warm and tender. Counts as a very good day (said with much caution).

 

Now to begin day 4.

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I wish you all the best for day 4!

 

I like the sound of your post -- cautiously optimistic. If you both keep up the good work, you're going to make it! (I'm basing that on our own experience.) ;)

 

If our marriage could improve to the point it's at now, I KNOW yours CAN and WILL turn around!

 

re:

He can make decisions & does fine taking care of himself when I'm not available.

Just a thought on this. Maybe you're doing it already. I want to suggest you force yourself to not make some of those decisions you usually do.

 

When it comes to a certain matter you'd like him to take charge of, let him know it. Ask him politely, or in whatever way works best. Then make yourself UNAVAILABLE (just in that area)!

 

All the best to you both. God bless!

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Dear Chrystal;

I take it from your silence that days 4...5...6...7...8 didn't go so well? I haven't read Freedog's thread today; will go there next and see if there's anything posted! We know this is very hard, dear friend; but please do whatever you have to in order to push through this bump in the road; this may be the time that the message of this ministry finally gets 100% from his head to his heart! And I'd really, really encourage you to get on the next conference call (which is Saturday night); insist that he get on with you; and speak up and let the moderators know it is vitally important for you to get help!

Will keep praying!

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Correct assumption, Miss PFH.

 

Day 4 was OK. Nothing bad, nothing great.

Day 5 and 6: Our work schedules overlapped, so we didn't see a whole lot of eachother. Day 5 was OK. On day 6 I called Freedog when I got off work early to let him know I was off, but that I wasn't going to come home, because I had a dentist appointment in an hour and I needed to get groceries, so I planned to get the groceries before my appointment instead of after. He said he could hear me loud and clear, but I later found out he wasn't listening to what I said. Before we hung up, I told him it felt like I was talking to someone who didn't even know me; like I was talking across a parking lot to someone I barely know. He did hear that part and he fixed it pretty well. He came into town looking for me. If he had been listening he would have known I was at the grocery store, but he looked for me at work and at the dentist. We eventually caught up with eachother in the dentist parking lot about 10 mins. before my appt and he was very kind and gentle. He knows I don't like going to the dentist, also he apologized for cutting me off short on the phone and for seeming so distant, he explained that he had been eating lunch and turned himself around by asking himself, "What would Joel do?" he decided to leave for work early so he'd have time to see me---so, our ten minutes total together time on Wednesday was good.

 

Then, Yesterday he crashed. Today I've got my guard back up, so today should go better again. Lol. Funny, but not funny.

 

I started out yesterday emotionally and I shed a few tears and got angry with him. He reacted and spent the rest of the day in a hole.

 

I'll give a little more detail here. Yesterday we were getting ready for a Bible Study to be held in our home yesterday evening. Entertaining stresses me a little, but it's a good kind of stress, it gets me going on cleaning & planning. To the best of my memory, we have never had a church group Bible Study in our home in the 25 years we've been married. The group coming to our house was from the church we have not attended for over a year, since before our Intensive. I get very emotional about our churches. We quit going because it was an unsafe place for me emotionally. I love our new church; the pastor, the teaching, the people, the worship music et al, however I am having trouble making friends there. I had a couple awkward conversations with a couple of people there last Sunday and the conversations have been bothering my heart. One conversation was about prayer partners which I've been trying to coordinate in the church, I thought it might be a good way for me to get to know people more closely, but I'm not getting much participation. The woman I was speaking with is a divorced woman and we had a difference of opinion about prayer partners, I only put women with women and men with men. I told her I wouldn't want my husband to be prayer partners with a woman and from that she made the implication that I'm not a proper trusting Christian woman. Anyway, the conversation ended badly and it's been eating at me. I've been wondering and questioning why I'm having trouble making any friends. It just kind of erupted yesterday morning when I was talking to Freedog. I was crying and trying to explain how i felt, but he was already having feelings about my feelings even before that, if i had been on my toes I could have kept my guard up and protected him from it all (yeah yeah, tongue in cheek, I'm being sarcastic). The rest of the day he spent overly focused on himself and what he should be saying or doing and bashing himself for whatever, and in general feeling bad about himself. I zipped myself back up, not for my own good, but for his. I wouldn't ML last night. Don't know if that was right or wrong, but i didn't think I should "reward" that kind of behavior. Whatever. The Bible Study in our home was very good. It's one of those things that God brought to our door. I didn't coordinate it or plan it, i just offered our home and the Bible Study group came to us. Funny because we haven't been to that church for over a year. It was just stressful not knowing who from that church would be coming to our house. Turned out to be all people who I am happy to see. Good turn out and they plan to meet at our house again next month even though it's an hour drive for some of them.

 

You can see, this is pretty much in a nutshell a routine weekly cycle for us. High hopes, followed by OK, followed by me letting down my guard a little, followed by him not able to bear it or remember how to turn outward and not focus on himself and not take everything into his little girlie heart and feel badly. I get my guard back up and quit feeling and he feels fine and remembers how to turn outward, treats me well for a couple days, ok for a couple days and then crashes again. Assuming he'll get his act together today, sometimes it takes a week or more to pull it together, but I know from experience that after that, in a couple days I'll already be back to thinking OK, this is IT this time.

 

There you have it. Praying that I will be open to whatever correction I need to make in my heart and attitude to solve this problem.

Edited by Crystal
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dear heart, this does not really sound like improvement to me -- it still sounds ABUSIVE --

 

Freedog, it is ABUSIVE. There is no need, no excuse for the cycling - this is still a "choice" and you are choosing "self"

 

am very glad, however, you were able to enjoy the Bible Study --

my .02

better options on handling the prayer teams would have been for FD to have totally backed you up

OR

not to have "prayer teams" in the future since you have a divorced woman in the mix (who we know was/is emotionally abused, too! who knows, she may have had an emotional affair)

 

prayers and blessings to you,

 

June of

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It just kind of erupted yesterday morning when I was talking to Freedog. I was crying and trying to explain how i felt, but he was already having feelings about my feelings even before that, if i had been on my toes I could have kept my guard up and protected him from it all (yeah yeah, tongue in cheek, I'm being sarcastic). The rest of the day he spent overly focused on himself and what he should be saying or doing and bashing himself for whatever, and in general feeling bad about himself. I zipped myself back up, not for my own good, but for his. I wouldn't ML last night. Don't know if that was right or wrong, but i didn't think I should "reward" that kind of behavior. Whatever.

 

 

please re-read:

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/860-wives-responding-warmly-your-part-of-the-healing-process/

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/210-for-the-ladies-the-awsome-calling-of-helpmeet/

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/381-from-joel-wives-respond-warmly/

 

a husband in a bad marriage is still a toddler (age 2-3 yrs old) emotionally -- and his wife only 4-6 yo.... as hard as this is, when the toddler does something good, he needs to be praised -- am not sure how much of that was done, you are probably very tired at being his helpmeet -- it is OH so wearing and exhausting to be constantly trying to find something to praise --

what happens though, because of mother-son issues (for him) and the arrested development in you, he'll get tired of trying to do good -- he is not excused from this - it is a choice, but it is understanding what is happening.

Did you let him know when he was missing the mark? Did you tell him, "you missed an opportunity" when he would walk by you and not do any of the HSKC?

so, my question is, when he wanted to ML, did you say, "today was a horrible day for me because you remained focused on you and your feelings and I felt like you were punishing me. So, not that I am punishing you tonight, I feel very hurt that you would not do ___________(whatever you had asked him to do) and just cannot ML tonight, however what I will do is ML tomorrow night if you treat me well and kind without being selfish."

 

Am praying for these cycles to end -- and once they do you will be in a happy marriage -- he will be the happy husband of a happy wife and you will both have a happy life!

 

prayerfully,

June of

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:angry: The following is just a vent. Thanks for your quick response June of. Freedog came to me this morning after you posted and he greeted me with a warm smile, hug, kiss and compliment. We were talking and I started to tell him about your posts and read them aloud to him. The phone rang. I knew it was Freedog's brother, because he had called a couple times earlier, but I didn't answer the phone. We have an answering machine, so if it's an emergency he can let us know. The brother is bi-polar and he lives with their mom. Both are independent and can take care of themselves just fine, but they like to draw us into their household problems whenever they can. Our name is on the home title (secondarily) so whenever there is a problem with the house, she "lovingly" calls it ours. So, anyhow, Freedog jumps up and answers the phone and I hear him say that he'll be right over. Horror of horrors! There are cracks in the basement's relatively new concrete. Freedog knows less about concrete than his mom does, but somehow his expertise is needed. That's where he is now. I completely cut off what I was talking about to him, because I could see how important I am to him. He responded, "I told my brother the wrong thing, didn't I" and he offered to call him back to say he wasn't coming. I "wouldn't let" do that, I would rather he stand up on his own, not as a reaction to my reaction. Then I started crying when it felt like he was being rude to something said. I am not naturally a cryer and this is somewhat new. I want to be a feeling person, and I've realized that before I can have real true feelings for others that I do need to be able to cry for myself, I've been praying about it, so I do count it as a good thing that I'm able to get angry and I'm able to cry.

 

I was also going to add, that you are right on about Freedog backing not backing me up in church. When we started our restoration I wanted to leave the other church, because Eric was on a pedestal there and I was his crazy selfish wife (he donated a kidney to an important member, grandstanding, justifying himself, all the while hating his wife and kids at home, not to mention hating the very church itself) and I have a feeling we are going to the same place in our new church. In our new church he is always a gentle loving doting husband, which is very good, but that's all the church sees. He was not loving and doting in our old church pre-Joel and Kathy.

 

I haven't read the links you gave me yet, I just wanted to get that off my chest. And also it might help if Freedog actually does get the guts to speak up on the call tomorrow.

 

Thanks for your support everybody.

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oh my goodness -- the Silent Knights are just horrid, aren't they? I'm married to one, and it has also been very difficult for everyone else thinks they are saintly

 

Did you both read through Hegstrom's book, Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them ??

This changed drastically how Ward thought of himself.

It also helped that he had gotten on ADD meds and that he was told to move out of our home for "awhile" in March (thank you J&K and Heather & Jeff for backing me up on that), because THAT was when we finally got his attention.

 

We first got the books in the summer of 2007 -- went to Intensive 9/08 and again last month -- and it can still be such a struggle at times with a "Silent Knight"

 

now, please do not think I am judging, I am only going to offer comments from the perspective of another wife of a "silent knight" (oh how I wish that term did not sound so nice --- it is such an abusive set of traits)

The phone rang. I knew it was Freedog's brother, because he had called a couple times earlier, but I didn't answer the phone. We have an answering machine, so if it's an emergency he can let us know. The brother is bi-polar and he lives with their mom. Both are independent and can take care of themselves just fine, but they like to draw us into their household problems whenever they can. Our name is on the home title (secondarily) so whenever there is a problem with the house, she "lovingly" calls it ours. So, anyhow, Freedog jumps up and answers the phone and I hear him say that he'll be right over. Horror of horrors! There are cracks in the basement's relatively new concrete. Freedog knows less about concrete than his mom does, but somehow his expertise is needed. That's where he is now. I completely cut off what I was talking about to him, because I could see how important I am to him. He responded, "I told my brother the wrong thing, didn't I" and he offered to call him back to say he wasn't coming. I "wouldn't let" do that, I would rather he stand up on his own, not as a reaction to my reaction. Then I started crying when it felt like he was being rude to something said. I am not naturally a cryer and this is somewhat new. I want to be a feeling person, and I've realized that before I can have real true feelings for others that I do need to be able to cry for myself, I've been praying about it, so I do count it as a good thing that I'm able to get angry and I'm able to cry.

When he asked you, "I told my brother the wrong thing, didn't I" -- he was realizing that he had indeed put his family first - AGAIN -- so, Crystal, dear, you should have said, "yes, FD because I am feeling that your family is coming first - AGAIN - and that any positives that were happening this morning have now vanished."

Then,

he would either offer to call his adult brother back and say, "I will not be able to come over right away, but will be there at: such and such time." That's all he'd have to do, and then to focus on YOU, on your feelings, on holding you, etc.

OR

if he didn't ask what to do, you could have said, "It would help me to feel that you are focused on me if you would please call him back and set a time for later to come over -- and also tell them to call someone who KNOWS about concrete."

Instead, the mother-son took over and your AD did, too.

 

step by step -- it IS GOING TO HAPPEN -- you ARE going to have an OHM -

 

what I see happening is that because you are frazzled, you are not demanding the change -- and so mr. passive is going to just be happily content to be the "silent knight" to everyone else, because he is getting his emotional needs met by others.

 

praying for you, dear one, for strength and joy and step-by-step victories,

June of

OR

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Your comments are very helpful & I don't take it as criticism or judgments. That's why I'm trying to be brutally honest about my childish reactions and confusion! Yes my reacting comes from a frazzled and arrested place. I have had very little experience in expressing anger at all. I'm sorry to say I'm usually sarcastic when I shouldn't be. I can understand what you're saying about my response to the phone call and re LM. Your patient understanding is appreciated.

 

Freedog says he stood up to his mom about the concrete. She asked him to make the call to the concrete guys for her and she did refer to it as "his house". I wasn't there, but he says he firmly but kindly told her that he was sure she could handle it. Oddly enough, in her marriage SHE always handled everything. Well, maybe not so odd.

 

Bottom line is Freedog has turned back toward me again. I read my posts and yours aloud to him. He's back on track for now.

 

Thanks to both of you for your prompt compassionate voluntary help for us this morning.

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Dear Chrystal;

I take it from your silence that days 4...5...6...7...8 didn't go so well? I haven't read Freedog's thread today; will go there next and see if there's anything posted! We know this is very hard, dear friend; but please do whatever you have to in order to push through this bump in the road; this may be the time that the message of this ministry finally gets 100% from his head to his heart! And I'd really, really encourage you to get on the next conference call (which is Saturday night); insist that he get on with you; and speak up and let the moderators know it is vitally important for you to get help!

Will keep praying!

 

 

a friendly reminder :D

 

hopefully, onwards to an OHM -- and soon! ::love

 

June of

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Thank-you. Your concern for me makes me feel self-conscious, but it's wonderful to be noticed. Does that sound weird?

 

We both derailed yesterday, I wasn't being understood and that sends me into a little mania that confuses him more.

 

But that's good, it confirms that we DO NEED HELP!

 

The last thing Freedog said to me last night was "shut up." It was said quietly, in anger, NOT in love. But you know what? I needed it. I shut up and I heard Jesus' love and I prayed and enjoyed singing "Jesus Loves Me" to myself in my head until I went to sleep. Freedog also got quiet and he eventually came over to my side of the bed and snuggled.

 

As bad as our marriage and our communication is, there is only one other time in our marriage that Freedog has ever said "shut up" to me. I only vaguely remember it, but it left a lasting impression on him. It was in the early months of our marriage and he said I was chattering away to him, he was trying to read so he said "shut up" and I did and to the best of his memory I quit chattering to him from that day until Joel and Kathy came along. I really don't remember what I thought or how it felt, but I probably filed it into the category of "oh yeah, this is my husband, not my friend, I have to respect his wishes." Maybe. It didn't bother me and he didn't apologize about it until after Joel and Kathy. It makes me wonder something....he's not really that afraid of MY control over him, but he's maybe MORE afraid of HIS power over me. Just a thought. I didn't really mind his "shut up" last night, because I really needed to settle my mind and it was probably the most sincere thing, FINALLY! that he had said to me all day. I want to get into his heart and though he apologized lots of times yesterday, his apologies were vague and when I tried to pin him down he didn't really know WHAT he was apologizing for and the last argument we had last night before he told me to shut up was "what do you mean by 'it'?" "What do you mean, 'what do you mean by "it"?'?" Good grief. Agonizingly abstract and definitely not a healing apology.

Edited by Crystal
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Your concern for me makes me feel self-conscious, but it's wonderful to be noticed. Does that sound weird?

dear heart, I am concerned, but surely don't want my replies and observations to you to be a problem -- my concern is that ya'll have been in this ministry a LONG time and are stuck in his abusive cycles -- and this is not God's best for your life, it's not.

 

The last thing Freedog said to me last night was "shut up." It was said quietly, in anger, NOT in love. But you know what? I needed it. I shut up and I heard Jesus' love and I prayed and enjoyed singing "Jesus Loves Me" to myself in my head until I went to sleep. Freedog also got quiet and he eventually came over to my side of the bed and snuggled.

THIS WAS ABUSE, Crystal. While it is always soothing to hear Jesus' love in a song, reminded that Jesus does indeed love you -- His design was for you to also have this from your HUSBAND, for he is to be Jesus "with skin on"

 

your acceptance of his poor behavior -- sweetie, as you change how you respond - how you refuse to accept his abuse -- then, you can hopefully make strides forward -- THIS WAS ABUSE. shame on him for telling you to "shut up"

 

As bad as our marriage and our communication is, there is only one other time in our marriage that Freedog has ever said "shut up" to me. I only vaguely remember it, but it left a lasting impression on him. It was in the early months of our marriage and he said I was chattering away to him, he was trying to read so he said "shut up" and I did and to the best of his memory I quit chattering to him from that day until Joel and Kathy came along. I really don't remember what I thought or how it felt, but I probably filed it into the category of "oh yeah, this is my husband, not my friend, I have to respect his wishes." Maybe. It didn't bother me and he didn't apologize about it until after Joel and Kathy.

it must have bothered you for you stayed in as the submissive, obedient wife ... in misery

 

 

You and he both need to go through the abuse/power/control questionaire AGAIN -- please -- for you are not seeing this abusive pattern for what it is --

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/3188-abusepowercontrol/http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/3188-abusepowercontrol/

 

as long as this is not faced, the cycles will continue "till death or insanity do you part"

 

What this situation reminds me of is a sign I saw in Nassau at a pirate's shop: "Floggings will continue until morale improves"

 

:angry:

 

we don't want this for you -- the goal of this ministry is OHM!

 

please make this be your goal -- is it?

If the answer is YES, and I hope it is, then start changing how you respond to him, make it accurately reflect his behavior and words -- and demand the change, or else your cycling husband won't change.... he's proven that over and over and over and over .....

 

J&K told him consistency -- we want it to be GOOD consistency

 

prayerfully,

June of

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Thanks again.

 

Here's an update.

 

He greeted me this morning as if nothing ever happened. I asked him, "don't you remember the last thing you said to me last night?"

 

He said, "The last thing I said was "Sweetheart." Later he expanded it to say that he said, "I love you, you're a real sweetheart." From his telling of our conversation last night he was a perfect Christ-like text-book Joel and Kathy student. It sounds like we were in two different rooms with two different people.

 

In the past I would maybe have believed him, and thought that I had misunderstood. But I did not mistake "Shut up" for "Sweetheart." The tone, body language and conversation leading up to his words support my memory. If he did not actually say or mean "Shut up" then one of his demons pronounced the words clearly, because I know what I heard.

 

I told him that lying only takes away his credibility and causes me not to believe anything he says. Even if I misunderstood "Sweetheart" for "Shut up", his denial of the whole defensive, confusing conversation prior can not be confused with a perfect Christ-like husband that he is trying to convince me he was. He reacted fiercely and demanded to know what it was that he said. I told him he'll remember, but all he remembers was stuff that I did not hear.

 

One of us in crazy. If I'm the one that's crazy, then he should not have been sitting there with his arms folded, his jaw set demanding that he did not say anything wrong. He should have been a lot more gentle with his pitiful crazy wife.

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YES June of, OHM is my goal. Yes I will pay close attention to what you tell me. I know I haven't been steady or mature. Also I will be on the call today, 8 pm CST. I don't have to respond to Freedog in a way that makes us both crazy. I really appreciate your voice of reason.

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me me me again.

 

We went "out" to listen to some live music this afternoon.

 

As soon as we got in the car, away from the kids I confronted him about him telling me to "shut up" and the disagreement that led up to it last night and the disagreement this morning.

 

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that." And when I reminded him, he reluctantly remembered the twisted discussion the same way I did.

 

I would have thought he at least felt badly that he'd said it, but he had forgotten all about it.

 

We got into a terrible argument this afternoon.

 

For some, that might be a bad thing, but to me it feels like relief in the same way that him telling me to shut up was a relief. FINALLY, he's using his abusive words OUT LOUD instead of successfully manipulating me into being the crazy yelling one while he, mister innocent suffers under "my abuse" of him. It probably sounds crazy, but it's SO much easier to handle THIS kind of verbal abuse than the SILENT KNIGHT abuse. The yelling makes so much more sense in my mind and it's so much easier to to process. It's easier to be angry.

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glad to see you being empowered with strength to stand up to him --

(it's not surprising he didn't remember his remarks, for they did not hurt him -- that would be like him shutting the door on your finger - it doesn't cause HIM any pain, but it sure would hurt YOU)

 

 

my .02

he must do a proper LOVER apology re: the "shut up" AND get on the conference call tonight

or no more meals or clean laundry ... period (or choose a different consequence that is more to your liking and to his discomfort)

 

if he does the LOVER apology right away, then let him know that you are would be willing to ML tonight but that he will have to initiate it with kindness and sweetness all evening ... and must focus on being sweet to you for at least 48 hours afterwards.

 

being a passive, he may not care about the ML -- but he should know that this is abusive to be non-affectionate to his bride.

 

praying for you,

June of

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Josh nailed it on the conference call last night. Freedog & I didn't have to say much, but he got right to the heart. I will not take lightly that the Holy Spirit encouraged through his words, same as June of & MJ & Plans for Hope have, that I should keep courage about pointing out things that don't feel Christ-like. He spoke to Freedog for over an hour about PRIDE! Amen! Exactly, precisely, amen! I need to be reminded about what he said to do when he plays stupid. I think Freedog thinks that stupid looks like humility and its a common thing he does. It infuriates me when he does, & I'm more clear now about why he does it. I knew already, really. It was good, I hope, that Freedog heard Josh tell me. I will need to listen again when its available.

Edited by Crystal
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Guest Mrs.Clean

Crystal,

 

I'm so glad to hear that you two are getting on calls and posting regularly. I, too, feel like having you two have verbalized arguments (even though that is not okay) as opposed to the "silent knight" treatment is a step up. I think pulling him out of his shell by verbally pointing things out is a step in the right direction...especially if you are able to handle these issues on the calls. Joshua and Kimberly are amazing, and I'm so glad he was able to get through to your husband.

 

I'm here, reading and supporting you with prayer. I just don't often know what to say about passive husbands...they seem so foreign to me. If my husband is acting up...I know it! :rotfl: He is VERY aggressive! So I just feel like I give the wrong advice to wives of passive husbands.

 

But, it seems lik eyou are getting great advice...and as always, staying plugged in to the forum and the calls is a prescription for getting rapid results in healing your marriage. Hang in there, dear. And no, YOU are not crazy.

 

Take Care,

Julie

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Crystal;

So very, very glad to hear both of you on the call; was an amazing breakthrough for your husband; wasn't it? The enemy has such subtle, sneaky ways of bringing pride into our lives; doesn't he? So glad that Joshua and Kimberly were able to help you guys recognize that that is part of the problem here; hopefully these bumps in the road will be easier to navigate through; since you have more strength and courage to stand up against this sin; and I'm praying that Freedog will humbly accept your help when you offer it; so he can continue to grow up into Christlikeness more and more each day!

You're doing an awesome job as his helpmeet; as the helpers and moderators have said; staying plugged in here is so very important!

So thanks again for the update; really appreciate it! Will keep praying for both of you!

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was an amazing breakthrough for your husband; wasn't it?

 

Welll.......I'm not taking it to the bank. Or making any engraved announcements, or anything like that......but......

 

.....yes......he is behaving with a more teachable spirit....seasoned with what seems like a sprinkle of humility.....for the time being....

 

 

Julie, it made me smile to see your post!

Edited by Crystal
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Heading hopefully into another weekend.

 

It amazes me how quickly Freedog is able to fall back into protecting and defending his own ego. It makes no sense to me. This week I've been able to deal with it (so far) with calmness.

 

me: "I feel like you arent't respecting me and that you are being controling."

he: "No, I'm being respectful of your time."

me: "don't tell me how I'm supposed to feel."

he: "How am I telling you how you feel?"

me: "By telling me you aren't being controlling and disrespectful."

he: "But I'm not being controlling or disrespectful."

etc

(later)

me: "That conversation before lunch was an example of a time when you could say something like: 'I'm not sure I understand what you mean by me disrespecting you, but I really appreciate you pointing it out to me so that I can learn what things I do that make you feel disrespected, because I don't want you to feel disrespected and controlled. And I promise you I want to get this into my heart, so keep it up!'"

he: "Thank-you for reminding me. You're beautiful."

 

He is not picking up on most things by himself, but he seems to recognize it when I tell him. I do lose patience easily and start thinking that if he really cares he would see it on his own and not fall into his same defensive habits. I appreciate the re-charge that I got on the call last week and we plan to listen to the call (thanks Timothy Paul for posting the recording so quickly) again today---together.

 

On another subject:

Our oldest boy bought a diamond ring and popped the question to his girlfriend last night. She said YES! I'm so excited! I'm also proud of our son for being proactive and romantic and thoughtful! She is the most beautiful, sweet and smart girl in the world and they are a precious couple. Praying that he continues to treat her well forever!

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are you planning to be on another conference call? perhaps on "passive" night?

 

keep being a good helpmeet -- praising his efforts - pointing out the 1 out of 3 "bad" == and let him know each and every time (yes, it will be tiring) when he has "missed an opportunity" to bless you with a hug, smile, kiss, compliment --

 

where is Looney's cattle prod anyway?

:rotfl:

 

praying for you (both) --

June of

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