Jump to content
God Save My Marriage

Recommended Posts

One of the biggies going on is that we're planning on moving my mom into our extra bedroom. I'm not stressed or worried about it, but there is lots to plan and talk about.

 

GOOD! for you... This is huge, and it sounds like you are planning this out really well... Sounds like you will do a terrific job!

 

I do have one question. Does this ministry teach that women change from the inside out and men change their hearts by changing their actions and words? Or...where did that teaching come from? Because it seems like Jesus and the Proverbs teaches that men (and women) both change in their hearts and then out of their hearts come words and service, Mt 12:34 "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." and Pr 16:23 "The heart of the wise instructs his mouth, And adds learning to his lips." I'm asking, because it feels like there is nothing in FD's heart that has changed. Like always, he knows the words to say and the things to do, but doing them doesn't seem to make anything stick where it counts, in his heart. It feels like his heart is void of anything that cares about me.

 

This is something I have wanted to know for awhile now, also. Great question.

 

Also i have been doing some exploratory praying- because some people have described B. as "not having a soul" - i.e. he doesn't seem to really be touched in his heart by anything. He can go through the motions,say all the right words, memorize what is right and make attempts, but there's no substance. I have come to realize that lots of people have this problem. And it's not just a lack of feeling, or a lack of empathy. or only immaturity. (They can certainly bring up the feelings when its all about them.!)

As I go through the Scriptures, I am finding that our soul can be taken captive - walled off, if you will, and I personally think it is mainly a result of sexual sin.

So i am committed to learning more.

 

Rest assured, it's not YOU that he doesn't have feelings for... It's his own split from God and self - and the effects of his fatherlessness- that prevents him from moving beyond the wooden puppet stage. Pinocchio had to find his love for his father before he became a real boy...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 707
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

I used to wish I could have done something tangible for my mother when she got older. She died too quick. She was going strong until 3 days before she died. Two days short of 72.

 

Thanks MJ...that's a nice reminder for me. My mom is 87, she's had a nice long healthy life and has always been a good friend for me and all my sisters. I'm so sorry that your mom died young and quickly...I am realizing that we are always too young to lose our parents. It's a very sad time. Yes, FD is on board with the plan of bringing her to our home.

 

I'm looking through the forum this morning and I can't believe how much I've missed in the last couple months! I don't know where I've been. I thought I'd been keeping up, but I guess only with the threads I'm subscribed to. It also shows me that things have been going fairly smoothly here at home, I haven't been grasping and seeking somebody who understands...which often times "someone who understands" can only be found here.

 

As I go through the Scriptures, I am finding that our soul can be taken captive - walled off, if you will, and I personally think it is mainly a result of sexual sin.

So i am committed to learning more.

Rest assured, it's not YOU that he doesn't have feelings for... It's his own split from God and self - and the effects of his fatherlessness- that prevents him from moving beyond the wooden puppet stage. Pinocchio had to find his love for his father before he became a real boy...

 

Thanks so much for all your comments 4evr. I agree that it has to be closely connected withsexual sin. It can be so frustrating.

 

...

 

A huge difference between how me and FD were before Joel and Kathy and after is that I share just about everything that pops into my head with him now and before I was always afraid to share even the simplest thing with him. I realize that has GOT to be exhausting for him, especially after he gets off a 16 hour shift...now it's hard for me to turn myself off. I CAN, because I have control over me, I CAN turn my talking off, but I want to share everything with him. I remember before Joel and Kathy that I used to think that one of the things that FD liked about me and helped keep us together was that I was quiet and what I thought was my strength, able to deal with things in my own mind without dumping things on him. I was a very quiet girl and married woman until Joel and Kathy came along! FreeDog remembers the day that I quit talking. It didn't ever stand out in my mind as a life-changing moment, but he remembers in the first months of our marriage that I was chattering to him one evening and he told me to "shut up"....I must have thought that I deserved to be told to shut up, because I really truly don't remember, but FD says I immediately shut up and he remembers that it felt like he shut off a faucet that never started flowing again.

 

Anyhow, I shared my last post with FD as soon as he was available, (no shuffling my feet or walking on eggshells for ME anymore!). He read it out loud to me and when he read my question, I remember the answer to my question about men changing from the outside in...it comes from Hegstrom and deals with what he calls re-wiring the brain. Used to be available on Youtube was a video called "the arrested brain" which involves a retraining of the hypothalamus by speaking new truths....reading scriptures aloud to yourself, saying things out loud to retrain your thinking...I think this is true with men and women both....but then the real, genuine change comes after you've retrained your thinking so that it's sunk into your heart and that's what Jesus and the Proverbs talk about "out of the abundance of the heart."

 

4evr, your B and my FD as passive men have to TAKE hold of the gift of heart change that Jesus offers and then DO something with it in order RECEIVE the heart change. FD and other passive Christian men want to wait for the Holy Spirit to do the changing, but the Holy Spirit is prompting them to DO their part with speaking truths, ie Scripture as well as the things taught by this ministry beginning with listening, and from there progressing to HKSC which won't be productive until he's learned to listen, listen, listen and from the outside working inward he will change on the inside so that the expected outcome will be "out of the abundance of the heart" will come genuine service and words and it's no longer the "put on" or acted out good works.

 

Our difficulty comes along with my collapsible memory that when FD has a bad day, then EVERY bad day jumps to the front of my mind. FD and I have watched that same section of the DVD about a woman's memory several weeks in a row. His choice, not mine. He wants to get to that place when we don't have those bad days. I do appreciate that, but those bad days do come and neither of us seem to be able to correct it WHILE it's happening. But I don't think that's unusual. When he has bad days, it's hard for me to even picture a good day with him.

 

I think keeping a calender is going to help. I'm a little bit sanguine and disorganized, so it's not natural for me to stay with any consistent plan that I come up with. Here's what I've done, I tore out a page of a calendar so that all I have is December 2012 taped to my bathroom mirror. It's for my own well being so that I can see that it's not all bad, but I think it's going to help FD too, kind of like a video game that you try to keep the good coming and stop the bad. He'll be able to see the positive too, but it's mostly for me. I put a big E on the date if the day was a bad one. The E is his initial, so it means he's been focused on E, himself...it also symbolizes a failing grade. On the good days I put an S, my initial...it means he's been focused on S, ME! but it also represents a satisfactory day, so that if we have a so-so good day even if he's not really focused on me, but maybe he was working all day or tired or something I still put down an S because the day was satisfactory. If it's a so-so bad day I can put an E, not because he was necessarily all self-focused, it might have been me that was the problem, but the E can just mean icky day. It's a pass/fail system. I've also already figured out that really really really bad or good can be indicated by a more bold S or E. My previous calender systems never worked because I lose things and forget. Being on the bathroom mirror might make it work better.

 

Next issue is his reacting. I've thought about this a lot over the past months. A day can be ruined by just the simplest tiniest thing because of FD reacting: ignoring, blocking me out, defending, groveling, self-pity, denial, etc. The solution arrived yesterday.

 

The solution was spawned by my own written comment: "It feels like his heart is void of anything that cares about me" plus Kathy's automated text that arrived yesterday that reminded me FD is sincere about wanting to change. I think he is. Let me see if I can explain this...best with an example. It's a little embarrassing, because it seems like I'm making a big deal out of a small thing when I think about it, but this is an example of what happens. This happened on one of our better days, so it's easier to untangle.

 

I dug up some elephant ear roots and I've been drying them in the sun getting them ready to store for the winter. We get cracked corn in strong paper bags and go through a bag a week with our poultry. The bag is perfect for storing the big roots. We emptied a bag over the weekend and I wasn't quite ready to store the roots, but wanted to save the bag. The next day was garbage day, and I didn't want FD to throw the bag in the garbage, so I folded it up and hid it in kind of an obscure place. On garbage day I was in the shed and noticed the bag was gone. FD had thrown the bag in the garbage. It brought back loads of times when FD would throw away things of mine because they weren't anything important (to HIM!!!) He seriously makes an effort not to do that anymore, but that's what it felt like when it looked to me like he went digging for something I had stashed away. I brought it to his attention and he acted like he felt accused. It felt like a reaction to me and the rest of the day I could not drop the issue because I couldn't seem to get it through to him what I was trying to tell him. He tried one response and then another and that seemed like deception to me because his reactions seemed to contradict themselves. Mostly he just ignored my ranting, I think he might have thought he was "listening to my vent" but it felt like he was blocking it out and pushing me away. I was extremely aware that I was looking and sounding like a psycho woman who couldn't just let the matter drop. It's not a big deal because we'll have another bag in a few days, it's just the fact that I had actually HIDDEN the bag so that he would NOT throw it out...I already had the beginning of the memory of him throwing my things away and to me it was clear that I'd hidden it FROM him.

 

This sort of thing happens a lot, I mean his reacting part and then when he "reacts" he's creating new hurts and then it boils out of control.

 

I was thinking about the situation yesterday and I thought...you know, if he's really sincere that he doesn't want to hurt me, why does he hurt me with what feels like trying to wiggle out of hearing me and trying to justify himself or whatever it is that he's thinking/feeling. The solution that came to me suddenly seems so simple. He doesn't understand that his actions/words feel like reacting to me. But I don't think I've ever been able to figure out myself what it is I need at those times. I wondered...WHAT is it that I really want/need from him at those times. I certainly don't want to be driven to the crazy lady status that is RANTING noisily about an easily replaced paper bag!!! That's what this particular incident came to and I sure didn't feel any BETTER after ranting about it!

 

Really, what I want is to know that he hears me and understands what I've said. I don't need him to analyze or empathize or apologize or trivialize. I just need to know he hears me and understands, that's ALL. Why has it never occurred to me before this? It's so basic J&K. When I say, "What happened to the bag I had hidden from you so you wouldn't throw it in the garbage??!! I was saving it to store my elephant ear roots, Arrgh!!" His response should have been "Argh! You were saving a paper bag for your elephant ears and I put it in the garbage!" That's ALL I need from him, I just need to know that he heard and understood what I said. Anything more or less feels like he feels judged or accused (which he probably does) but when he verbatim restates my same words changing the pronouns appropriately then I know he understands what I'm saying. I think it might also help him in those situations to get the focus off his own innocence and start immediately to see it from my viewpoint. Just restate what I've already said.

 

He and I have practiced this a few times since I told him about it yesterday. He understands the concept, it will be great to see if he actually puts it into an emotional actual situation.

 

The last thing I want to update on is the little incident with our pastor. As if I haven't already talked your eyes out. Well, the situation never resolved. It was clearly more important to the pastor that he be heard than for him to hear what I was saying. Sigh. I have been upset with the pastor since then and have refused to talk to him except for friendly greetings and superficial blahblah. He's just inexperienced...he KNOWs a lot and that's his weakness. When we (the pastor, FD and I) were exchanging email over several days, he ended up telling us that he was having trouble communicating in that particular venue (emailing). The original hurtful comment was "Be patient with [FreeDog] because God's given you a good man." We explained that "good men" are enjoyed and patience is for suffering, not good. We explained a lot of J&K stuff to him and he couldn't hear it. The following Sunday he preached a sermon about patience and encouraged each of us to be patient with the person sitting next to us. I guess preaching is the venue that he is most comfortable with when nobody else can interrupt and question his understanding. Sigh. Oh well.

 

Thanks for browsing my thread. I hope I have added some sunshine to your day. Hi%20ya!.gif

Link to post
Share on other sites

What I like about what you have shared here, Crystal is that you are clearly seeing how other people compensate and you are not taking their 'stuff' back onto you as if there was something wrong with you. You are also thinking about what you really need (for FD to acknowledge that he hears and understands) and what works for you with your personality style (bathroom mirror). That's all so good!

Link to post
Share on other sites

We're still doing pretty well and I can say that even after getting his cold shoulder last night and this morning. He made a good turn around before he left for work and because he has me quite filled to the brim with oxytocin it doesn't take much to get me to feeling good again. For the most part the bumps are getting shorter. Still, I don't understand where the bumps come from....we can be going along very nicely and then all of a sudden we're off the track again. Last night I started stressing about Christmas dinner plans and he started reacting negatively to my stress ... and then he went into toddler mode and we ended up wasting a cold night sleeping on opposite sides of the bed ... I needed my man to warm me, not a sucking toddler to comfort. That doesn't happen much anymore and it confuses me when it does. It's his problem to worry about though, not mine. I can always get my electric blanket out if he's not willing to do his most important job of keeping me warm at night.

Link to post
Share on other sites

For the second half of October, most of November and the first 12 days of December it felt like FD and I were in a loving relationship with each other and with God. On December 12 I was feeling so relaxed and content. I was preparing supper before FD got home from work and I was thinking, wow! this is what it feels like to be in a happy marriage, this is amazing! I felt so good, so content and delighted that things had finally changed in our marriage. That evening everything was fine and good until we went to bed. FD went to bed first and he was sitting up in bed reading when I came in. I said "I'm going to have to tell people to BYO steak knife for Christmas Dinner." He didn't understand and gave me that look like I was something disgusting on the bottom of his shoe. I got upset with his look and told him about it and he's been in reactive mode ever since then...like his thumb-sucking inner child has taken over again. He has come out of it for very short intervals and given me hugs and compliments, but he goes right back into his self-protective defensive mentally-fetal-position mode. I'm miserable.

 

During those good weeks, FD and I agreed to bring my mom home for care as long as she lives which could be a short time or it could be a long time. She's total care, sleeps a lot, but is very sweet and thankful when she is awake, though not oriented to person place or time. If she lives longer than a year then another sister will bring her to her house. I have the most room in my house, so that's why she's coming here. I also have the most flexible job...I work per diem and can put my job on hold while I take care of my mom. My mom has funds and is able to reimburse us financially for her care and it won't be putting any strain on our finances. So that's the plan.

 

As the time has approached when she is moving in...which is now TODAY...I've not been stressed about having her here, but I am becoming increasingly stressed about FreeDog's emotional pushing me away and what feels like disdain for me.

 

We have both tried to get on conference calls and have had no success with the new number...neither of us has tried to figure out why. I'm overwhelmed emotionally with FD's negative turnaround at a time I need him to be strong and now I'm stressed that the time has come for my mom to move in and we have not been able to resolve this issue. FD has not put any effort at all into trying to turn himself around. In my despair, I have turned him around myself in order to get some little peace of mind and reassurance if even for a few moments. Because it's me turning him around it doesn't stick....he has to make that effort himself. He doesn't seem to be making any effort at all. I did ask him if he self-gratified sexually or something around that time that he went back into his self-adoring attitude. He denies it, but I feel like I may have mis-worded the question because he's a genius at finding loop-holes. His excuses have been along the lines of "I don't have a heart" "I don't have a brain" and "I need hearing aides" which he did used to have, but it became two disabilities, he couldn't hear, plus his hearing aides weren't working. Since Joel and Kathy, he lost them and hasn't needed them. Besides I have pointed out that I take care of plenty of hard of hearing patients, (FD is not any more hearing impaired than any other adult of our age) and as a general rule, if they can't hear me they don't look at me like I'm a piece of p-oop. There are exceptions, but rarely do my patients treat me as disrespectfully as FD treats me when he gets like this.

 

Let the day begin...FD is off to work...me and son #3 along with my sisters and son#1 are off to help move mom and all her personal belongings to storage or into our house..... God be with us.

 

Merry Christmas Everyone!! Have a great week with family and friends God bless you all!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Merry Christmas all!

 

I am so glad that my mom is here with us in our home. She is such an amazing, selfless woman, that even at her worst she's thinking of others. She is loved by me and by the many whose lives she's touched. I'm blessed that she's here.

 

It's also giving me a good opportunity to see who my husband really is. I'm seeing that it's crazy for me to feel like I have to keep on with him...I know that I've done this whole thing, working on our marriage for my families...church family and bio family, and this is showing me how pointless it is. My husband is a selfish snake and I thank God that it's in the open now. I am not responsible for fixing FreeDog...he's a selfish angry bitter man, actually jealous of my dying decrepit mom, wow! He's pitiful and I am so sad for him, but that is not to say I need to be bound to that destructive rotting polluted heart. It recalls to my mind how he used to act when we had little ones in the house. Distant and pouty. He has eaten up all the attention I've poured out on him the last few years working on our marriage and now he's mad that I'm not pouring out.

 

My mom says very little, she doesn't know who she is, who I am or where she is, but she still encourages me to love, honor and forgive my husband. She still does. And she honors him. If I tell her that FreeDog wants her to get up in the chair, she'll do it for him, because she's that way...she'll do it for our husbands, but not for her daughters....so I tell her that FreeDog wants her to eat a bowl of oatmeal or do whatever she WILL do it. I was telling FreeDog about that the other day, I said, "She'll do whatever you tell her to do." She looked me in the eye and asked me, "Well, don't you?" I said, "no I don't" She looked away from me in a way that I used to interpret as disappointment...now it just means she's forgotten what we're talking about. She's a doll! I love her and I hurt for her..... and that's all I have to say, because I have to prepare our home and my mom for a house full of guests this afternoon.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

My mom passed away quietly on December 30th.

 

Losing my mom is a thing I've dreaded for my whole life. She lived a long healthy life and my sisters and I are now without parents. My oldest sister will be 60 in couple weeks and someone told her that she should consider herself lucky to have had her parents for so many years, because many people, they said, lose their parents at a much younger age. That was kind of a stupid thing to say....I think the longer you have something good, the harder it is to let go. I know I've probably given lots of stupid meaningless comfort to lots of people over the years...we people want to comfort other people...it's one of the human things we do & we make mistakes. We remember our Real Comforter and we love people even through the stupid things they say, cuz we're human too!

 

We lost both parents in 2012 and it's been a rough couple of years caring for them. Now we want to stop doing hospice and funerals and just focus on weddings and babies for awhile!

 

Well, now I can focus on FreeDog. He should like that. He got jealous of all the attention I give my family and especially my mom while she was with us in our home those 9 days. One of the most important things for my mom was that we girls would respect and love our husbands through their mistakes. While she was in our home I got fed up with FreeDog three times and lost my temper with him in front of her. The night she died he did something really stupid in her dying room. She wasn't responding to us at that point, but I felt really ashamed that I had fussed at his stupid-ness in her presence. I apologized to her and told her I promise her that I'll "be good to him". That's one of the things that was important to her and it's one of the last things I told her before she died. Hopefully it's a promise that I can keep, because I can separate through this ministry between Christ's loving goodness that reaps the fruits of the spirit and a superficial goodness that paints over sin to make it look good. In Christ's loving goodness I don't want FD to do those things that lead to the death of his spirit and of my spirit.

 

Most of this I'm saying to preach to myself....not to anybody else. I need to see on paper what it is I'm thinking which is, I'm feeling a passive forgiveness and patience toward FD and I want to make sure it's okay....My forgiveness comes from...*my promise to my mom...*the transition of the focus of my energies ....and lastly, *FD has turned his heart back to me (again) and when he does so, it's so easy to forgive and forget the things he did in his selfishness and thoughtlessness. I remind myself that I'm still in the stages of grief ... and the spiritual "submission" I'm feeling is probably natural and I shouldn't be alarmed about my lack of heart right now. I'm afraid of becoming a doormat & I don't want to do that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh Crystal, I didn't see your last two posts until now!

 

It's hard to lose your parents at ANY age, I agree! I think BEREFT is a good word for the empty feeling. May the Lord bless you with His Comfort, moment by moment.

 

As for FD, you are "being good to him" when you do NOT allow him to behave abusively toward you!

 

For right now, I think you should feel free to more or less forget about him. If he wants to comfort you, OK. If not, keep him at arm's length and receive comfort from others in the body of Christ, as well as from Christ Himself, of course.

 

God bless you richly, dear lady!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...

I don't want to post. I don't want help from the forum, except for prayer. I don't want to interfere "too much" with what help FreeDog can get from here. I covet prayer, but I want to keep my mouth shut here as much as possible, because FreeDog is the one who needs to be the seeker in our relationship troubles. Clearly he's doing as little as possible. I'm bitter in my marriage. But my relationship with God is growing. I'm not alone...my local friendships with both family and friends are growing. Hate to be cliche, but God is doing amazing things!

 

I want to be discreet and maybe he won't notice that I'm posting. If he does read my post, cool, it might mean he's interested in what I'm feeling. I want to add a couple things to what he's posted.

For our Sunday lunch together we drove the car that I usually drive. The time together at lunch was nice and friendly. When he stopped to get gas he wanted to use MY debit card instead of his, because it's "my" car, just because my debit card has my name on it, there is no difference in my eyes between his account and my account, same bank, just a matter of budget to have separate accounts. He didn't want to have to use "his" money. I called him on it and he had a major silent tantrum for two days. The following day I told him to pack his bag and go. He carefully folded and packed every single item of clothing from his drawers and closet. I told him that I would not be telling anyone that I kicked him out (making me look like the meanie) but that I would tell them the truth that HE is the one who left me. I told him I will happily welcome HIS pursuit of me and winning my heart back. At this point on the panic scale, I was about a 1 or 2, 0 being completely relaxed and 10 being in the Psych Unit ER. He worked the discussion around so that he could feel good and heroic about leaving so that in a sense he could feel like he was rescuing me by leaving....my BP rising....and furthermore...if he chose not to leave then he would feel like he was staying home to "heal me". However in the course of the conversation he told me that he'd rather I kill him than expect him to heal me. By the time I was half-way to mania still trying to reason with him to show him how selfish and childish he's being...this is my weakness and he knows it...it takes me a long time for me to realize that he's blocking logic and substituting his own reality. At this point he meekly asked me in his most helpless, help me decide, mommy voice whether or not he should change his direct deposit to another bank...meaning that he was asking me if I would like him to financially abandon his son and me almost high and dry when it comes to paying insurance, mortgage and electric bills, etc.....That's when I flew off the panic scale and nearly hyperventilated to death. I would have handled it more easily if he had screamed what he said in a true rage, but he used his manipulative breast-feeding helpless voice. He had packed his bags thoroughly at that point and the bag was by the door.

 

The final outcome was that once I was nearly in a catatonic state of disbelief he told me he was going to stay and "heal me". I don't buy it, you know, I'm just telling you what happened. I can't explain why I let it happen, I was so wiped out and nearly catatonic that I sat at the other end of the house while he meticulously delicately carefully unpacked his precious clothes and hung them all precisely and neatly where they had been before. He won.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Crystal, darling girl. I look in on the forum probably every couple of months, looked in today, and saw your last posts. I'm so sorry about your mom. My heart really goes out to you. I know how tough this year has been for you dear lady. Remember, sweetie, you're not as tough as you think, nor do you have to be. Be kind and gentle with yourself, and treasure yourself for the precious woman you are. Much love to you, and God bless. xxxx

Link to post
Share on other sites

----My apologies to moderators!! I deleted most of this post because it felt like too much imformation out here. In summary: a vent---from a girl in arrested development having her eyes opened wider to the abuse going on in my marriage. I am always quick to make excuses for FD and he doesn't deserve it. He read the post before I deleted it and owned all of it at least for now. ----

 

 

 

I'll turn this into a question just to see if anyone is paying attention :oops: .... If one of my needs is to be treated like I'm a precious treasure, what's wrong with me putting some money in my husband's account so that he can pretend that he loves me more than anything??!! I am exasperated, torn between feeling like I'm taking care of him and taking care of myself because he isn't. This $$ thing is one of those unavoidable situations...I mean, I know it's a blessing, but FD is hating me for it...I can't help it that he feels like I'm taking care of him...it's stupid and I'm back to feeling like I'm walking on eggshells so that he doesn't, poor thing feel like he's being taken care of. it's just stupid. What a purely idiotic thing for us to be fighting about! Who in their right mind would make financial security an issue to fight about. I apologize really, because I know so many people struggle financially and I don't want to hurt anyone by bringing up money stuff...but at the same time wanna get it out in the open so we don't have to be so vague...Thanks for letting me vent.

Edited by Crystal
Link to post
Share on other sites

I came back on here to delete my post, because it's TMI, but you're already reading it. I'm sorry I posted it, and I think a lot of the stuff is inside my own head, stuff like survivors guilt, but even if it's all in my head, it's still true that FD is not taking care of me like he should be and as a vent the post serves a purpose...I should be able to vent all this to my husband instead of on a public forum.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Crystal,

 

Thank you for sharing your feelings and laying out the situation VERY clearly. You are handling things perfectly, across the board, and I definitely agree that there are cases where you CAN'T "let him figure it out" (freeway exit) or when your emotions are just SO STRONG that you just need to express what you feel, full force, and he needs to die to self and be there for you without so much concern for how he is feeling.

 

I will try to figure out some way to address this with him...

 

Stephen/HD

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'll turn this into a question just to see if anyone is paying attention :oops: .... If one of my needs is to be treated like I'm a precious treasure, what's wrong with me putting some money in my husband's account so that he can pretend that he loves me more than anything??!! I am exasperated, torn between feeling like I'm taking care of him and taking care of myself because he isn't. This $$ thing is one of those unavoidable situations...I mean, I know it's a blessing, but FD is hating me for it...I can't help it that he feels like I'm taking care of him...it's stupid and I'm back to feeling like I'm walking on eggshells so that he doesn't, poor thing feel like he's being taken care of. it's just stupid. What a purely idiotic thing for us to be fighting about! Who in their right mind would make financial security an issue to fight about. I apologize really, because I know so many people struggle financially and I don't want to hurt anyone by bringing up money stuff...but at the same time wanna get it out in the open so we don't have to be so vague...Thanks for letting me vent.

 

Crystal, I hear you on this...

 

Three years ago I got a life insurance payout from my first husband and while I didn't disclose exact amounts to B. or let him have any control.. I was very smart and very generous with the money. A lot like the things you did. And that was all while we were living six hundred miles apart and I was begging him to get into some kind of therapy... before I found this ministry.

 

Then his mother passed away this last July- after he knew about the ministry.. after I came home to try and work things out... and he got a chunk of change.. around $70,000. He immediately put it into his own account and refused to work with me... broke his promise to take us to an intensive... and to his credit has paid my bills for the last five + months... but is out of the house and has run out of money...

 

I own a small home free and clear- beside the one tht we jointly own and that I am now living in... and helped him out with my money..

 

He flushed his down the toilet with wasteful, childish spending and has nothing to show for it- except he and his sister and brother also co-own their parents' paid for home in a desirable ski resort town and because of my influence, they didn't sell it and run through all that cash, too. They are renting it out until the housing values go back up...

 

 

There is nothing wrong with you "putting some money into [your] husband's account so that he can pretend that he loves me more than anything" The only thing wrong (?) with it is that at the end of the day it's a pretense.... and you not only need to be treated like you are a precious treasure, you deserve it. Can you live with all that? Only you can answer that question.

 

A little boy is not going to take care of a wife until he grows up and he can't grow up stuck in the mode he's in..

 

so the sane thing for you is to tell yourself: I need to be taken care of, pursued, treasured and desired. I want those things, and they are right things.. God-given desires... but I am not getting them now and so what do I do? I accept that God is going to lead me step by step to take care of myself.. and I expect Him to show me what that looks like... Cultivating the hearing of His words of care and protection, His instructions to your heart is something you can do...

 

but forcing FD to be something he isn't -by the actions you take- and apparently doesn't want to be right now isn't going to help you or him... I don't mean that you should not follow the teachings of this ministry.. I am just saying that there is a difference between responding with natural consequences and trying to make things happen.

 

It sounds to me from everything you've written that you really do understand everything and really do know what the truth is....

You're smart! Crystal and wise... follow your godly perceptions and trust them..

Edited by 4evrHZdtr3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 months later...

I'm still here.

 

I'm not ready to post much, remaining cautious, but I do want to pop in here with a little update.

 

We separated this spring.

 

Then FD started exerting some effort into the marriage and into me. He's been getting on the men's calls regularly and is getting one-on-one counseling and is applying some of what he knows outside of his own imagination.

 

We're living together again and we're having some very pleasant days together without twisted confusion and sick-headedness. I rarely do anything at all to remind him or encourage. It's all between him and God how he treats me and if I don't like what I see I tell him...or else I hold a hand-mirror in front of his face and he gets the idea...even he doesn't want to look at himself like that, why would he expect me to accept it?

 

And.....That's all I have to say right now. Thanks for checkin on me!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...