Jump to content
God Save My Marriage

Recommended Posts

Thanks for your comment, Freedog! You are right... she is not at fault here AT ALL. I hope that it didn't sound like I was putting the onus on her. But it's always good to check in and make sure that we wives do our job too.

 

I am glad that you are recognizing that she is giving you encouragement and reproof when appropriate. I am sure that it means a lot to her that you notice this. Bravo, Crystal!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 707
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

I have been coming home from work early the past couple weeks, and i see that the reconnection has not gone well for Crystal. Last night for example she was reading in the bed room and i was going to crawl across the bed to kiss her when she said " Come around this side". For what ever reason this triggered my little boy, instead of saying "Thanks for pointing that out" i took it as critisisim and that just threw the critisism sensors out and into the hole I went.

 

She needs a safe place to vent, instead I continue to see things from my own self and get bent out of shape. What do others do to ease the reconnect from work to home?

 

I love you Crystal and I am going to work through this to provide a safe place for you. You mean alot to me and I love you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This past weekend was really nice, more and more it seems my love for Crystal grows. i realize of course that it was none of my doing, but only the work of Christ through His Holy Spirit that made me less an idiot this weekend than normal.

 

I hope Crystal you were able to relax a little and enjoy life. I appreciate what you point out so that you can have a person around you can enjoy. I love you very much and enjoy growing with you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Earlier this week I was going to cancel my dentist appointment for today as I have a Doc. appointment tomorrow. Crystal asked why, I don't know why my first tendency is to deceive yet, but I said that i didn't feel like doing the two back to back. it came out that the real reason was I was concerned about two co-pays and was going to put the one off for another pay period. fact is the dentist does not have a co-pay and the docs isn't much really so really no excuse other than I am too immature to ask for the check book.

 

this incident led to a brief argument after the truth came out as Crystal said she couldn't believe me which I took to mean she didn't think I was telling her the truth, "Yes I am!". She meant that she couldn't believe I was actually THINKING about the co-pays. I never had before but they would send bills and Crystal would take care of them. Interesting how hearts change.

 

I apologize Crystal for not thinking the best of you. I should not have gotten flustered at all when you said you couldn't believe. It probably is hard to believe that I would actually think of how something I do would affect you and the kids, but praise God for the changing heart. The heart of stone is becoming flesh.

 

Then yesterday as I was driving to the lake to run around it something was revealed to me. One reason any way for the reconnect problem lies in mother/son issues. Guilty feelings I had because of things I did that she knew or even didn't know about that would make her upset, usually I was guilty as charged. So upon reconnecting those same feelings come on and it leads to a lot of apprehension. I have repented of those fears and placed them at the cross, I pray now to grow out of it. Hopefully knowing the source will be half the battle.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I thought at first that your ultimatum didn't really matter' but Crystal, I do realize it did. i do not want to lose you and it also sets a standard to see and follow, i need that. i love you very much and i know that I need you very much.

 

Our fast is actually re -revealing some things. One thing is that I am very sorry for not treating you as a Christian man should have with actual love and respect for your feelings. i was very selfish.

 

just wanted you to know I love you and look forward to mseeing you tomorrow.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Things have been really stupid lately. We go a couple days and then I turn into my own head, why? it tears me up inside and I can only imagine the frustration that Crystal goes through. Why is it so hard to love my wife every day? I really do love her a lot and want so much a bonded relationship with her.

 

Anger issues. For whatever reason I have been angry at Crystal the past couple days. I noticed it yesterday and apologized. Then, low and behold, that lead to "Mr. Wonderful" coming out to play on a nice sun shinney day.

He was so wonderful to Crystal and his mom he was even going to crack the nuts and partially chew them for the squirrels. Crystal pointed this out, "What? What do you mean?"was Mr. W's response.

 

Tuesday; too sensitive. The anger was from feeling out of control (poor thing). Crystal has not had control for 23 years! Deal with it, grow up!

 

Seems we have a new hump to get over besides Friday mornings and weekend nights. Tuesday morning re-connects. I know the re-connects come from mother/son issues weekends have been a lot better so I suppose translating to Tuesday morning should not be that hard.

 

Back to Tuesday, the morning was lost in defending and misunderstanding, too sensitive.

 

Wednesday; This was the opposite, over compensation for the day before. I thought I had turned out, but no, I was too "Me", tooting my horn all over the place ( see above). I often ask myself what the deal is, I can do a few days and then blow the re-connect (Crystal works Monday am's and Thursday am's, I work Sunday -Thurday eves). Used to be every other weekend was bad, they have become fairly consistent lately, but the re-connects ... even if we part for a short while the re-connects are trickey.

 

Part of it is that I remember greeting my mom, in the mornings and other times, and feeling guilty. A lot of times I was and fault "Oh no, she found me out." I repent of this and I will go on record that God has healed that for what He reveals He heals.

 

I still have trouble with venting, I won't always Crystal, your time is coming. Something that I believe the Holy Spirit revealed on the run today was that venting is too much like my mom's criticism and my brothers negative cut downs; critisize, boom, I'm no good, is how it played out. What was revealed was Lyle's part as I equated him with my mom as he was the golden one. So, this probably wasn't a new revelation but, in my mind ... anything is a new revelation anymore. Knowing this I should be able to break the chain, I forgive Lyle he was just being a big brother and did not know what he was doing. I forgive my mom she was only doing what she thought she should do and was dealing with a lousey marriage herself. I give this to you Jesus, by your stripes we are healed of past wounds ans sin.

 

The whole key is to GROW UP!

Crystal is not my mom (thank-you Jesus)

She does NOT be-little anyone. This is something I appreciate in you Crystal, you never belittle, you treat people with respect even if you really do not care for their ways, you will still respect them.

 

Thing is I know, by the grace of God, I can do this because I have done it.

I have done it because I have yielded totally to God.

 

I can't believe I harbor anger towards Crystal, she is the last person I should be angry with. Actually writting this post has helped even if no one reads it because I do see the idiosy of it. It is all self-centered, immature control issues.

 

One need I have that is extremely hard to kill is my need for hugs, hence when Crystal is venting automatically I reach to hug. I know where that comes from so we won't delve into it. I will say I repent of it, I do not want to drain hugs from you for my benefit. I repent of the anger and need to be in control. God is in control, He is my source of life, my salvation, my hiding place, my warm spot. I really do desire to be these things for you Crystal (I know I will never be God, but you know what I mean).

 

I pray that the Holy Spirit would teach me not to take things personally (any advice would be much appreciated from any one out there). I also pray for humility, something that seems very lacking.

 

I don't know if I really said much except idle musings, but it has helped the anger, I apologize Crystal for being an angry jerk towards you. I know you aren't controlling, just trying to get some one together that you like to be with. I love you very much, to die for you is an honor.

 

Hope your morning at work went well, see ya in the AM! Luv Ya!

Link to post
Share on other sites
was even going to crack the nuts and partially chew them for the squirrels. Crystal pointed this out, "What? What do you mean?"was Mr. W's response.
I know you were just trying to be helpful!!!! The squirrels would probably appreciate the help!

 

I don't know why I can't sit back and be appreciative when you turn into Mr. "Wonderful". I don't want to be so harsh and critical. I like hanging out with the laid-back-you lots better. This post is a good turn around---I like that you are able to laugh at yourself.

 

Don't let it go to your head, but I appreciate that you put so much time and thought into posting. I think this is your longest ever post!! I hope you also had time to read some of the other threads.

 

Work was busy. No lunch as usual and then a long tedious meeting afterwards. I'm tired.

See ya'!

 

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. Phil 1:6

Link to post
Share on other sites

This weekend seemed to go pretty well for the most part. I really enjoyed being with you Crystal. Saturday evening was kinda shaky though, when you were showing me your facebook and then started making one for me. It is as you think, the reason I took a dip was because you were doing it for me and that set off alarms in my head (think Star Trek). My mom and dad used to do anything of importance for me and i hated it, I need to grow past that, but it makes me feel like a child when people do things that I can do for myself. I need to grow out of it and humble myself, you were just having fun, or wanting to, I apologize for letting the immaturity out, totally my fault for not being diligent.

 

Sunday morning was the pits. I was Mr. Arrogant/self-centered/self-righteous child-man. So much so that Crystal said I almost slammed the car door on my mom's head! I apologize again Crystal for abusing you with my self-centeredness, it does no one any good, I cannot begin to understand the frustration it causes you each time I do it. To top it all off you even had to pull me out once again using the catch phrase of "Be proactive", "Duh, oh yeah". I apologize from the bottom of my heart, it seemed yesterday that I had never heard of Joel and Kathy.

 

Proactive, I don't know about other passive guys, but part of my passivity has always been doing just the minimum to get by, maybe a little more but not usually. I realize that that does not cut it and the term "active" needs to become part of my vocabulary. Amazing but it just really sunk in that the New Man has to be ACTIVELY engaged all the time even when Crystal is gone. I should have realized this before, but better now than later, eh?

 

Hope work went well, enjoy the beautiful day! Your devoted husband,

Freedog

Link to post
Share on other sites

So...we don't see each other two days out of the week. That leaves you five days to prove you love me as much as you love yourself. Friday and Saturday went, as you said "pretty well for the most part" but I feel like that is only because I chose to be, as you say, pro-active. I don't feel like it was any conscious effort on your part. Sunday was the pits. You were way deeper in your own head than you were Friday and Saturday. You pulled yourself out with the rope I threw down to you---what? 15 minutes before you had to leave for work? If you had to depend on me grading your efforts for the whole 7 day week, what do you think your grade would be? Two sorta good days/Seven days is a failing grade.

Link to post
Share on other sites

But I'm not giving you a grade, I'm not your teacher. I'm your girlfriend, lover, your wife. I have a human soul. You promised to love and cherish me. Instead you resent me and it hurts me. It's not your performance that counts. It's my feelings. It's my spirit and soul that counts. It's your spirit and soul that counts. I wish you could stop focusing on "we did good" or "I did badly" and "I'm going to start doing better" and quit thinking of it in terms of your performance. Your performance means your focus is on you and whether or not I accept and approve of you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You're right, I will either choose to love you, or I will choose to love me. I can choose to die to self, or live for self. I know what the latter one leads to and it is not pleasant for you to say the least I confess to you that I am narsisstic, something you have been telling me for a long time now, but I have been denying. In my self love I have caused you pain and misery that i cannot even begin to understand, because of this you cannot even take me out in public to meet people with out my show of "pomp". From the bottom of my heart I apologize, and am grateful to you as my helpmeet, with out you I would be lost, with you there is hope. I know too that pro-activity is a conscious effort as well, one either chooses to be pro-active, or not. I love you very much Crystal.

Link to post
Share on other sites
narsisstic, something you have been telling me for a long time now

Really?

you cannot even take me out in public to meet people with out my show of "pomp".

Really?

In my self love I have caused you pain and misery

Really?

 

Where is all this coming from? Have you been reading somebody else's thread and projecting it onto us?

 

Exagerating doesn't earn points in my book. Try to operate in a realm of reality instead of what appears to be an attempt of attention getting humility.

 

We'll plan to speak up on one of the calls this week-end. I'm not in pain and misery. Freedog isn't overtly narcissistic and I don't recall this ever being one of my frequent accusations, although it has come up in conversation---more in a sense that we are all a little that way, some more than others. Your comments all seem to show hypersensitivity to comments I've made at one time or another.

 

My real accusations aren't narcissisma, pomp or causing pain and misery. Though (ahem, a touch of sarcism) I'm sorry I hurt your feelings by implying such things. . . My complaints, if you will, are inconsistancy and hypersensitivity. There are deeper issues---yes, the resentment, the mother-son issues and history of sex addiction, but the former are my immediate concerns for my own day to day stability.

 

For the information of forum readers, I have just started on a new medication that hopefully for my dear sensitive husband's sake will curb my criticism and make me easier to live with. It's not a medication I want to be on long term. I'm again being a little sarcastic, I'm not starting the medication for HIS well-being, but the dr put me on it cause I'm having some heart irregularities and we (the dr and me) think it's probably anxiety---of the mid-life peri-menopausal sort. But one of the side effects should be that I won't be so irritable and critical. Good for Freedog.

 

Freedog has great potential and can be wonderfully kind and not obnoxious, but his feet often get in the way. He gets overly self-conscious and so it doesn't allow me room to relax and be me. He becomes an angry little boy, but my serotonins are startin to balance harmoniously and I don't care.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey guys, first of all I'd like to apologize for the lack of helper input on your thread. Sometimes you read a couple of posts, and things seem to be ok, so the attention gets focused on the squeakier wheels.

 

FreeDog, God has something He would like to say to you:

 

Who I Am In Christ

I am accepted...

John 1:12 I am God's child.

John 15:15 As a disciple, I am a friend of Jesus Christ.

Romans 5:1 I have been justified.

1 Corinthians 6:17 I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 I have been bought with a price and I belong to God.

1 Corinthians 12:27 I am a member of Christ's body.

Ephesians 1:3-8 I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child.

Colossians 1:13-14 I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins.

Colossians 2:9-10 I am complete in Christ.

Hebrews 4:14-16 I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ.

 

I am secure...

Romans 8:1-2 I am free from condemnation.

Romans 8:28 I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances.

Romans 8:31-39 I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God.

2 Corinthians 1:21-22 I have been established, anointed and sealed by God.

Colossians 3:1-4 I am hidden with Christ in God.

Philippians 1:6 I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me.

Philippians 3:20 I am a citizen of heaven.

2 Timothy 1:7 I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.

1 John 5:18 I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me.

 

I am significant...

John 15:5 I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life.

John 15:16 I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.

1 Corinthians 3:16 I am God's temple.

2 Corinthians 5:17-21 I am a minister of reconciliation for God.

Ephesians 2:6 I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm.

Ephesians 2:10 I am God's workmanship.

Ephesians 3:12 I may approach God with freedom and confidence.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

 

Do you see anything in there that says anything at all about your performance? Neither do I . . . your problem is that you are still receiving Crystal's words as criticism.

 

You love your wife, right? Is your love for her based on her performance? If she forgets to pay the insurance bill, will you stop loving her? You're probably laughing right now . . . of course not. There is nothing she could do, or not do, that would change your feelings for her.

 

So fercryinoutloud, would you give your sweet wife some credit for being made of the same stuff? She LOVES you. You've treated her like crap, and she's still there. That should tell you something.

 

I'll bet that in your mind you're looking at this as a checklist - do well and you get a check in the plus column, do badly and you get a check in the minus column. If there are too many checks in the minus column, out you go. That's not how this works. You are still learning how to be a good husband, and Crystal is the person God is using to teach you. Trust me, she is not having fun either, but this is God's idea, so quit fighting against it. If you are learning a new skill at work, you don't feel criticized if you're corrected - you realize that this is new, and you're not expected to do it all right just yet. Approach loving Crystal with the same mindset.

 

Are you still doing the homework - 10 minutes per day in the book, watching the DVDs, getting on the calls?

 

Are you making love to your wife regularly? That's the primary way you bond with her - if you're not bonding, this is gonna be a whole lot harder than it needs to be. If feeling criticized is shutting down your desire, then that's one more HUGE reason to get over it.

 

Renewing your mind is about taking the thoughts and feelings you have, recognizing the ones that are lies, and choosing to think and believe something else. It's not denying that you have thoughts and feelings. Just get them in line with what God is telling you.

 

C'mon - get your brain out of the knot it's in and bless your wife.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Very good, Looney! Thank-you so much! YOU do NOT have to apologize, young lady! Not necessary at all----You and all the other VOLUNTEER helpers and moderators help so very much and I don't take it for granted. You are an amazing woman volunteering your time---and your energy. Please don't apologize. You said just the right things. Freedog read what you wrote, but I think he's in denial. He pulled out every trick in his self-protective kit yesterday. Every trick. He caught some on his own that I was going to let slide, so he KNOWS it's happening.---He has a compulsion to defend and then argue that he's not defending. Then deny that he's arguing.

 

Freedog,

The need to self protect will always put a barrier between you and me. Instead protect US. Protect our harmony. Protect the love between us by refusing to try to gain control and superiority over me. Is it really necessary to prove I'm wrong? Is it necessary to prove that this time your feelings are valid? Your self protection proves to me that my feelings are wrong and that your feelings rule. I know you have a cold and don't feel quite well. This week I can tolerate some mistakes and be patient, but why should I have to? You are in a bad place. You're telling yourself that you are "doing well," and you're arguing with me that you're doing well. It looks good in your own head, but it doesn't look or sound good from my view. Thankfully I'm not tired of it all this week----my happy drugs are kickin' in and I can fight back. You are no longer off the hook, we've got some catchin' up to do to get you back into shape.

 

Passive husbands need to keep their hearts focused on their wives to keep themselves steady and they need to keep steady to keep their wife steady. Teamwork spirituality. Mutual support team. When guys look inside their own heart to keep steady before the Lord they make two mistakes: 1.) They will grovel and moan and "feel" lowly and humble when what God sees is arrogance and pride in their own perceived humility and avoidance of productive fruits of the spirit. 2.) Then they elevate themselves to a height above others, justifying their existence with works that they call fruit.

 

The two extremes are avoided when the passive guy decides to humbly focus his heart on his wife as an equal; not as one to be worshiped, nor one to be controlled. It's a perfect plan by a perfect Father in heaven.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are right Looney, I do run check lists in my head. The truth is that when i don't run the lists things are much smoother. I focus on the lists instead of listening to Crystal and what she is saying.

 

Crystal, I apologize for arguing and trying to validate my feelings instead of yours. No, trying to prove I am right "This time" is completely juvenile and not taking responsibility for my actions and how they affect you. I do not want to do that, I would really like to be your safe place, your Happy place, validating myself is definately not the way to do it. Trying to control situations is not the way to do it. I love you very much, and am grateful you have not left. I am nothing without you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well Looney, truth be known I would rather be married. Who wouldn't if they really knew who Crystal was? She is a very funny girl with alot of wisdom and insight to God's word. She is absolutely gorgeous with a nose as cute as a button and her grammar is impecable!

 

We talked about the fight or flight syndrome and venting yesterday ( I think we covered it a few times past [maybe a hundred?]), and (gulp!) I look forward to it tomorrow! :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

This "forward" has supposedly been around for a long time, but this morning is the first time I've seen it.

 

So true! I love it!

 

 

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

 

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple

creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding

plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can

be President.. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt

to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics

tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive

to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You

don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same

work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux

rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to

them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet..

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about

tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all

your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of

thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still

be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are

more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.. You

are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. Everything on your face

stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe

decades.. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes

-- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your

legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have

freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25

minutes.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well Looney, truth be known I would rather be married.

 

So quit arguing already! Just . . . shut . . . up. You don't have to be right. If you knew that every time you argued a rock would drop on Crystal's head, would you quit arguing? Of course you would. Trouble is, you can't SEE the rocks. Trust me, they're falling, and they're leaving bruises.

Link to post
Share on other sites

OK, yes, you are right Looney. It is very foolish and immature to argue. If she says I am making her feel a certain way, then yes, I am, despite how i may feel in my head for it is not my head that counts here but her feelings. It is only arrested development that feels it has to be right all the time.

 

I really do love Crystal very much, and am working to stop the rocks from falling and replace them with honesty and respect.

 

Last weekend there were a lot of rocks falling sorry to say. I was not in a place of kindness. This not only frustrates my wife, but also my God whom I say I love and serve. If I really loved Him I would love my wife and be kind and gentle to her no matter what. So once again, leaving those things behind i press forward to the goal of Christ likeness and an OHM.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The good news is, Freedog, that you recognize YOU are the one causing the landslides. Get down off your mountain and walk with me and the rocks might quit falling. We might stumble on the rocks together, but you won't be up there, looking down at me feeling sorry about causing those rocks to be hitting me.

 

It's good that these things come out. You told me you're tired of the "roller coaster ride". The good news is, YOU are in control of the roller coaster too. You have the control panel in your hands. The good news is that you're trying. A few years ago, you weren't doing anything. The good news is, that a few years ago there weren't ANY highs, just mediocre at the best. You're just now learning to "drive". I've never been patient about teaching kids to drive, you know that. But I'm being pretty patient with you. I lost it and yelled when you told me you were tired of the roller coaster. That was after I told you to go back and live with your mom. Was that what you meant as the "roller coaster"? Here's how it seems to me:

 

Imagine for the last three years that every time you see me you grab me by the hand and spin me around and around in circles until we're both dizzy, then you go to work and when you see me again you grab me by the hand and spin me in circles until we're dizzy and sick. And this repeats day after day until you tell me that YOU are sick of spinning around in circles and then get your feelings hurt when I tell you you have a lot of nerve complaining to me about the dizziness. That's what you do when you do to me when you come near and then you withdraw into the deep recesses of your mind for days (denying and lying and making excuses for yourself). YOU are in control in all the analogies: the rock slide and the roller coaster and my example the spinning in circles. Don't complain to me about the ups and downs, PLEASE!

 

I don't want to be cold and distant---but everytime you come back from your self-protective, angry place, I'm finding it harder and harder to welcome you back to me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...