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God Save My Marriage

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As info, I've read both books and agree with the teachings.


Our story...we met in high school, S being the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. The first time I saw her, wow, I'll have that mental picture in my mind etched forever. On a scale of 1 to 10, S being a 9.5 and me being a 5 (on a good day). The day I proposed marriage and S accepted was the best day of my life, second to becoming a Christian. Quickly after our wedding in 1986, S found out I'm a control freak and spiritually abusive. Control freak on the basis that S was such an outstanding catch and I would do whatever I could to keep her close to me 'under lock and key'. My personal self worth was very low and being married to a beautiful woman was the easiest way to raise my worth in society. Spiritual abusive on the basis of hammering all the traditional submissive scriptures, that is what I learned from church. In our 11th year of marriage, 1998, I committed adultery. S did not know but suspected something. Finally, in 1999, S grew tired of my abuse, packed up our five children and moved out of state. In hind sight, this was God.


In 2000, I moved to the new town to be closer to the kids, confess to the adultery and beg for reconciliation. The next three years consisted of visiting the kids and making no progress towards reconciliation. In 2002, S moved back to our home town, I followed in 2003, again to be closer to the kids and hope for reconciliation. In 2004, my job moved me 350 mile away from our home town but I return every month to spend time with the kids.


After 7 years from the divorce, living a celibate life, I began to date and married a lady in my current church (2007) but quickly realized this was a huge mistake. It ended in five months.


Through all this time, S has remained celibate and faithful to God, she has never remarried.


Some long time friends directed me to this ministry. I have read both books and I have written an apology letter, no response. This past Christmas, I gave S a copy of Joel & Kathy's first book, again, no response. So here I am, is there hope for me. I LOVE my wife. My heart's desire is to be a wonderful husband to S and the best father to our children.

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Its NEVER too late.


But if she has found her peace in the love of the Lord, your love is gonna have to look JUST LIKE HIS to win her trust again. and please KNOW that it WILL take time.


But if you have the teachable spirit and the commitment, we have the help.


God bless.

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Paul Hegstrom, author of Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them (a must-read for you and can be ordered through www.JoelandKathy.com) was divorced from his wife for years before he repented, re-learned how to become a godly husband, and then re-married -- He founded Life Skills International and was the catalyst for this ministry -- Joel would have still been an abusive if Paul had not confronted him on it, and had not Kathy kept his feet to the fire as a helpmeet.


It is important that you read/listen to/view EVERY segment, link, section, thread of the PLEASE OPEN THIS SECTION FIRST --


especially the abuse/power/control section


and also the "must listen-to recordings"



it will take five-six hours altogether


PLUS, if you will follow what I recommended to another husband, you will "begin" to understand all the pain you have put your bride through and hopefully learn from it, and begin to bring healing to her.

Posted 12 November 2010 - 10:49 PM

Step by step in bringing healing to your bride, becoming a Christlike husband, a godly man. If this is what you continue to do, then I would highly recommend the following (which J&K also tell husbands to do -- mine did it and was quite helpful for our marriage because I knew that Ward actually understood HOW it hurt me):


This is what I believe you MUST DO:

#1 -- write the lists of 100+ hurts that you did to her during the course of your marriage. (there is a sample of this in Livin' It and Lovin' It near the end of the book if you need ideas to prompt your memory

#2 -- THEN, go through the list one by one, placing the "feeling" words of each as to how it hurt HER.

#3 -- THEN, after completing the list with the hurt feelings, add how what you can either do to make amends, of how sorry you are about it (using other feelings words, too, besides "sorry") and of how it has broken your heart also to know that you have harmed her.

#4 -- THEN, after re-reading the lengthy #3, write out a "pledge" to bring healing to her heart, as best as you can, with God's help and thanking L to being open to receiving your apologies and the restitution == and the Encouragement that you will be there for her, no matter what

THEN, give her this indepth apology. Read it to her if possible.



(LotofWorkToDo has his apology posted on his thread- and his wife accepted it so gratefully -- and she divorced him four months ago - he is working to win back her heart, she is softening)


Read through the threads on this forum about what to do when a woman yells --- (BE GLAD) -- take it like a man, and let her know you fully agree with her, owning up to the tremendous pain that you caused to her [it is important that you remember that we are NOT chewing you out about this, because much of it you were unaware of what you were doing was hurting your bride, but NOW you do, because you are maturing into a Christlike man] -- and accept whatever chewing out of you she wants to do. You deserve it -- she needs it... and she need to know you are still going to be there loving her and humbled by the fact that she is still talking to you at all.


Ask her AFTER DOING ALL #1-#4 and giving her the apology if there is any way at all possible that you can do something to show her that you mean this apology... She needs to be reaffirmed that the trouble in your marriage is NOT HER FAULT.


If there is something she has needed you to do or to buy and you have not yet done it/them, then do this ASAP. Do not delay! If there is something sacrificial you can do for her that she has expressed she would love, do it quickly.


As a Christian woman - and she is -- rest assured that the Lord is doing a work in her heart, and it is taking some time. There are many years of hurt upon her, guilt, many years of a lack of intimacy with you that she needed and was denied/abused with. Own this, apologize for it, and then agape-love your bride.


Exercise all the Fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, self-control along with sweetness, honoring her boundaries, blessing her in every way possible, with a tender loving attitude. 20/20/20/20 too -- very very important.


IN THE MEANTIME, please get closer to God through His Word and in this ministry plus read the book Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them by Paul Hegstrom. (J&K sell this on the website www.JoelandKathy.com) This book helped transform Ward and change our marriage.



June of


obviously, you won't be able to physically do many of these things because you are divorced -- however, if you are changing into a Christlike man, your bride will notice as it will be attractive -- and this could very well be a new beginning. God is the God of new beginnings.

Whatever you do, do NOT PUSH her. she has been through much -- prayer that God's Will be done is most important.


If you have truly made "the decision"

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/3604-its-a-decision-and-other-pearls-husbands-need-to-read/ be humble and teachable, we can help you



June of

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Is there anything to big to over come in the name of Jesus Christ?


Genesis 3:16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire [shall be] to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.


When a woman loves a man(her husband) it is nearly impossible to shut that off. I'm not a helper that is just how I see it. If she fell in love with you once why would it be so unreal to believe she wouldn't the second time, if you make the changes to stop hurting her?


Listen to the helpers!

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 4 months later...

Hey there, you still with us? How is it going?


Yes, I'm still here. I've been reluctant to post believing a lie from the enemy. he is a liar and my focus is back. I have ordered Paul Hegstroms' book from Joel & Kathy, it should be here this week. In the interim, my goal is to complete the list of 100 way in which I have S.

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Hey Faith,


What lies has that evil sob been feeding you. Let us know. We are a ministry, the body of Christ, and we want to help you work through them. Please don't try to do this alone.






Back in the fifteenth century, in a tiny village near Nuremberg, lived a family with eighteen children.


Eighteen! In order merely to keep food on the table for this mob, the father and head of the household, a goldsmith by profession, worked almost eighteen hours a day at his trade and any other paying chore he could find in the neighborhood.


Despite their seemingly hopeless condition, two of the elder children, Albrecht and Albert, had a dream. They both wanted to pursue their talent for art, but they knew full well that their father would never be financially able to send either of them to Nuremberg to study at the Academy.


After many long discussions at night in their crowded bed, the two boys finally worked out a pact. They would toss a coin. The loser would go down into the nearby mines and, with his earnings, support his brother while he attended the academy. Then, when that brother who won the toss completed his studies, in four years, he would support the other brother at the academy, either with sales of his artwork or, if necessary, also by laboring in the mines.


They tossed a coin on a Sunday morning after church. Albrecht Durer won the toss and went off to Nuremberg.

Albert went down into the dangerous mines and, for the next four years, financed his brother, whose work at the academy was almost an immediate sensation.


Albrecht's etchings, his woodcuts, and his oils were far better than those of most of his professors, and by the time he graduated, he was beginning to earn considerable fees for his commissioned works.


When the young artist returned to his village, the Durer family held a festive dinner on their lawn to celebrate Albrecht's triumphant homecoming. After a long and memorable meal, punctuated with music and laughter, Albrecht rose from his honored position at the head of the table to drink a toast to his beloved brother for the years of sacrifice that had enabled Albrecht to fulfill his ambition.


His closing words were, "And now, Albert, blessed brother of mine, now it is your turn. Now you can go to Nuremberg to pursue your dream, and I will take care of you."


All heads turned in eager expectation to the far end of the table where Albert sat, tears streaming down his pale face, shaking his lowered head from side to side while he sobbed and repeated, over and over, "No...no...no...no."


Finally, Albert rose and wiped the tears from his cheeks. He glanced down the long table at the faces he loved, and then, holding his hands close to his right cheek, he said softly, "No, brother. I cannot go to Nuremberg. It is too late for me. Look...look what four years in the mines have done to my hands! The bones in every finger have been smashed at least once, and lately I have been suffering from arthritis so badly in my right hand that I cannot even hold a glass to return your toast, much less make delicate lines on parchment or canvas with a pen or a brush. No, brother...for me it is too late."


More than 450 years have passed. By now, Albrecht Durer's hundreds of masterful portraits, pen and silver-point sketches, watercolors, charcoals, woodcuts, and copper engravings hang in every great museum in the world, but the odds are great that you, like most people, are familiar with only one of Albrecht Durer's works. More than merely being familiar with it, you very well may have a reproduction hanging in your home or office.


One day, to pay homage to Albert for all that he had sacrificed, Albrecht Durer painstakingly drew his brother's abused hands with palms together and thin fingers stretched skyward. He called his powerful drawing simply "Hands," but the entire world almost immediately opened their hearts to his great masterpiece and renamed his tribute of love "The Praying Hands."


The next time you see a copy of that touching creation, take a second look.

Let it be your reminder, if you still need one, that no one - no one - - ever makes it alone!


In His service...TimothyPaul

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A 9.5 out of 10? You have got to be kidding! Jesus sees you as without blemish. He has looked behind your veil and is ravished with you. In His eyes, you are an 11. S should be so beautiful that all other women are to be compared to her; the standard is her.


I caught this in your post only because you, yourself remarked how you would always tear her down to get your insecurities bolstered.


I know that this may seem insignificant to you but to her, if she read this it is more of the same. Yup, there he goes again knocking me down, even if it just a notch to keep me under his thumb of superiority.


You may think this is, Straining at gnat to swallow a camel, but concerning a woman's heart, and the pain and hurt this would cause her, you are not even seeing how this would devastate a woman.


It is pointing clearly to a deeper issue in you that you find it necessary to put others down so that your emotional need is met.


When a man in particular tries to default to his Arrested Development to get his needs met or to FEEL okay about himself he has just reinforced in himself the very sin issue he needs to overcome.


This sin unchecked easily leads to arrogance and control. Why? Because no one can ever measure up to his exacting perfectionism. Therefore, in his own eyes he will always be better than others instead of seeing himself rightly before God.


Re-write that part of the post and describe her again in terms of being ravished by her as God's Word declares a husband should feel about his wife.



Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice in the wife of your youth.~~Proverbs 5:18


Then the LORD God said, It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him. ~~Genesis 2:18


How beautiful you are, my darling, How beautiful you are! Your eyes are like doves~~Song of Solomon 1:15


Then I passed by you and saw you, and behold, you were at the time for love; so I spread My skirt over you and covered your nakedness. I also swore to you and entered into a covenant with you so that you became Mine, declares the Lord GOD.~~Ezekiel 16:8


Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun; for this is your reward in life and in your toil in which you have labored under the sun.~~Ecclesiastes 9:9


As a loving 1hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love.~~Proverbs 5:19


He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the LORD.~~Proverbs 18:22

Edited by Pure in Heart
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any response brother? if I were in your shoes I would be working 24 hours a day at learning how to lay down my life for my wife. my heart would be so broken, I would be so hungry to learn, I would be on this string every single day. it would be (marriage restoration) the single most important endeavor in my life. you murdered the heart of your covenant partner, taught your children the worst way a woman should be treated, and all you are doing is checking in once in a while. I do not know, maybe you are not in a big hurry.

Edited by Pure in Heart
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  • 1 month later...

Hey there.. if you are going to claim to want to actually seek a restoration with your wife - it is time to get serious. We have a men's group that you could have been (but we are not going to cry over spilt milk) - can now be involved in.. three calls per week.. only $100 per month. Kathy does call wives to try and engage them also into the process. Your wife sounds like a remarkable woman, staying celibate all of these years. You sound like a man who has carried a lot of pain, including that short marriage. We would like to help you. You are going to have to get on the program for real though. We can't gaurantee anything.. but God's grace is manifest and multiplied in the efforts that He makes through the ministry to the men in the men's group. Jump on board! Call Marsha at 386-547-5729 to register.


As a side note, you could have read both our first book and "Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them" in one day. They each only take four - six hours to read.


Our recommendations are


Our two books

Good husband, Great Marriage

Ken Nair's two books

Paul Hegstrom's two books.


And our 12 hour DVD set.


If you have any of this not done yet, then you may want to take a 2-3 day crash course to finish the seven books and 12 hours of DVD's.


You read them fast but mark them as you read and then go back and review slowly. That is the best plan for reading.

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