rejoicein Posted August 4, 2011 Report Share Posted August 4, 2011 Biff, Remember the K.I.S.S. I mentioned to you month ago. "Keep it simple stupid" you realy need to keep your post simple and to the point. Just deal with one issue per post. It is also good to quote and then feed it back. Claire is hurting and needs to see you staying in the game. Have you seen the movie "facing the giants"? If not get it. "Stay in the game and fight FOR you bride" You need to get on the call tonight and speak up anyway. Steve Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biff Posted August 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2011 Ok Steve, I understand the K.I.S.S. PRINCIPLE. I will. Seen the movie,loved it.I am engaged and not going anywhere. I am here to fight for Claire.I will be on the call and speak up.Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelandKathy Posted August 5, 2011 Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 Thank you Miss Jane, Nemo, Rejoice in - we appreciate you pouring your lives out for Biff and Claire - Biff and Claire - we are proud of you both and hopeful. Biff, you are expressing with thought. Claire, you had a marathon call today. We are seeing a GREAT future for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biff Posted August 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 Steve, Thank you for helping me walk through this process. I will try to keep my post less convoluted. I will post questions directly to the helpers to ask the hard questions,so I can get help.I will post to Claire's questions,doubts, and concerns. I pray Claire will reengage with me soon on the forum.I do have a question? I have not spent time with the children since last Friday on my birthday. I have been demoted to only seeing them on the weekends(because of my lack of consistency), usually it is saturday.I wanted to do something special for the children this saturday.Is it unreasonable to ask to spend more than just a few hours with them?This is painfull when the children are away from her, but I want to show the children my love for them. I understand the best way to show my love for my children is to heal Claire's heart.I am trying to win her heart back, and I am in this for the long haul.Claire usually requests I only keep them for 4 to 5 hours.I would appreciate any input you or Julie might have.If any more helpers want to chime in let me know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dory Posted August 5, 2011 Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 Biff, It is very encouraing to read the turnabout in your attitude. STAY there. And when you fall out of it and it is pointed out to you, please BELIEVE it and pray about getting back there. Nemo wrote . . That is all good. She might even start to say things that appear spiteful or hurtful. Just ignore what you might perceive as an insult and continue to re-assure her. Understand that the things you are now doing but you wouldn't do in the past hurt her because you wouldn't listen to her then, but now you'll listen to someone else tell you to do it. She can't help but feel unheard and unimportant to you. Post anyway. Go to the Gym anyway, and ride your bike there if you can. She will get over these things if you continue to listen to her.Amen to all of this. The reason these things don't magically help her overnight is because they are words and promises that haven't held water in the past and she is exhausted in her efforts to hold on even though you gave her abuse and fed her crumbs. She needs to see ACTION and she needs to see it for sometime before she can really believe there's any truth in it. We will continue to encourage her, but that is not your concern. So . . . the fact that she is watching for action . . . That doesn't mean stop posting your words. Au contraire. By posting, at least the action of "staying engaged" and the action of "focusing on fixing yor marriage" and "learning about her heart" is good. Sharing your good attitude in the way that she can receive is also very good. So keep posting and calling to get understanding. AND Follow up with the ACTIONS that will eventually turn the tide. Be blessed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dory Posted August 5, 2011 Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 BTW, I awoke with this thought for you: 41 is a good age for "wake-up" calls. Many of our successful couples answered that call at this age. Ask Nemo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biff Posted August 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 Thank you Dory for your post, Yes I have been asleep for 41 years and it is time to wake up and smell the coffee.So this is when Nemo got his revelation? Or for us guys who are just starting this process, a rude awakening.I have been rude, inconsiderate, and inconsistant to my Claire, but no more.She deserves so much more!I will stay engaged, and proactively do the things she needs and what you ask of me.I see ACTIONS is always in capitol letters in your post to me. I see the lack of actions in myself in the past and I understand if Claire is less than thrilled by my words. But I looking upward not inward anymore.I am praying the Lord for consistency in my ACTIONS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dory Posted August 5, 2011 Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 Nemo was 42 when his mushroom cloud hit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
truth Posted August 5, 2011 Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 Steve was 43! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biff Posted August 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 I was trying to decide if I should post this, but I will and leave it in God's hands. About a hour ago I had a "little talk" with my mother and it was not fun at all.I have been trying to not talk about personal stuff at my business, I think everyone knows she works for me. At the end of the day she came over to my office and mentioned that she had talked to Joel the other day. She said the conversation went well, and he encouraged her to write a letter to Marci ,to apologize that she was sorry for hurting Claire about a beach trip issue we had years ago.I said that was a wonderful idea and asked her what she had written in the letter.I was maybe prying a bit, but being involved in the ministry so far I Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biff Posted August 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 sorry hit post by accident. I wanted to see if her heart was really into the apology.I was not going to be critical I just wanted to listen to what she had to say.After she told me I mentioned a few more things that Claire was hurt by.This when things went south, she blew up and said Marci should get over things and have Grace.(You see where I get my Mother son issues from-I brought up Grace to Marci before,incorrectly applying Gods meaning.)I tried to calmly tell her at first that I was just trying to get at the heart of the matter, and just to expect that this one thing was not the only thing hindering Claire's and my mother's relationship.She got so angry about me talking about other hurts.She then proceeds to blame me for not handling things correctly on the beach trip.I was not very happy about this which I will write the whole beach debacle on the next post , it is a long and drawn out story.Yes I had made huge mistakes which I will address on the forum and asked for Claire's forgivness.This is long overdue, but she will not acknowledge the difficult position she and my family put us in.I asked my mother not to send the letter because from what was said in our talk she was not sorry at all and the jist of her conversation was just get over it. I know Joel had talked to Marci and she was crushed about what they had talked about.I do not know what Joel and Marci talked about on a private call but I think it was about moving towards my mother and having forgivness.I have been pushing this forgivness thing with Marci in the past.I wanted us to move on with our relationship with my parents and have"Grace" with them. Joel did not know the hurt that "this just move on" ideology my parents have pushed will never heal Claire's heart.My eyes have been opened to just how wrong this is. I know it for myself as I have embraced this ministry, but it needs to be also for family members who have hurt Claire. Claire, I will move my mother out of the job position. I do need seperation from her and my family so I truly can moved towards you. I pray this will not cause a huge rift between myself and my family, but I HAVE TO SUPPORT YOU.I WILL NO LONGER PLAY THE TWO SIDES , I WILL ONLY SUPPORT YOU, BECAUSE OF THE HURT THIS HAS CAUSED YOU. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
truth Posted August 5, 2011 Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 Truth prevails! You are now moving in the right direction and hopefully as you move toward your beautiful bride and put her first and bring healing to her heart, in turn, your children and all these other relationships will come in the light and be healed as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biff Posted August 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 Claire, I just wanted to tell you I love you.I am sorry I have not truly acknowledged your deep hurts, that my parents have caused. I am sorry I was not the man you needed to step up and confront them on these issues.I took the easy road, instead of telling my parents with love ,we need to deal with these festering wounds.This made you feel unworthy, and unloved. You felt that I took by parents side.I understand, I did not leave and cleave.I will do everything to restore you, and pray for them to have a open heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claire Posted August 5, 2011 Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 Oh, my! Oh, my! I have a lot to say, but am a little afraid to on the forum. I will say, "Thank you, Biff, for being a man." You have addressed similar concerns in the past with her with the same reaction. So, I'm sorry that you experienced a difficult conversation; however, I am thankful for you going there... I'd rather not try to communicate on here what my 2 plus hour call was yesterday, but it boiled down to the fact that the call between J and your parents was just lovely. They were lovely towards J. Of course, I didn't imagine them to be otherwise. I gave out your number with the understanding that J was going to line up a conference call between all of us so that these other truths would be revealed. I didn't really understand the change of counseling paths that occurred yesterday. I'm afraid to say, "Yeah!" because I don't want J & K to be upset with my reaction to your decision. I'm afraid to say, "No! Yeah, I do need to just get over it, " because your mom is only defensive regarding the truth of our relationship. Your mom's email to me today was an apology about the beach situation and a call for us to forgive each other and grow in Christlikeness. It was hurtful that she only addressed that 1 issue, but also redeeming now to know that you were standing up for me, your bride, without me knowing it. I can see God is working. Like Truth said, "The truth is being revealed." although it's taken more heart bleeding from me the past couple days. Perhaps this is all part of the open heart surgery required in healing us and moving forward. I'd be happy to post the email from February and today from your mom. I did not respond to today's email from her and I'm so glad that I didn't! Wish there was a conference call tonight to talk this out. Thank you, Biff, for giving me a little glimmer of hope of you seeing the light and growing into a man. I really wish that you could have just given her the date and moved on without hurtful words because I was afraid of that happening. I pray that God will prove his perfect will in the whole situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claire Posted August 5, 2011 Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 Claire, I just wanted to tell you I love you.I am sorry I have not truly acknowledged your deep hurts, that my parents have caused. I am sorry I was not the man you needed to step up and confront them on these issues.I took the easy road, instead of telling my parents with love ,we need to deal with these festering wounds.This made you feel unworthy, and unloved. You felt that I took by parents side.I understand, I did not leave and cleave.I will do everything to restore you, and pray for them to have a open heart. Thank you, Biff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biff Posted August 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 You are welcome princess, your knight has been such a toad for so long.The issue is I have not stood up for you the way I should have, to "keep" the peace with my parents.I love them both , but we both know the hidden things that have kept us from a true bonded relationship with them.I am sorry I have put both you and Joel through the 2 hour plus conversation.I could have saved you both a lot of exhaustion , by being your protector a long time ago.I will apologize to Joel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claire Posted August 5, 2011 Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 You are welcome princess, your knight has been such a toad for so long.The issue is I have not stood up for you the way I should have, to "keep" the peace with my parents.I love them both , but we both know the hidden things that have kept us from a true bonded relationship with them.I am sorry I have put both you and Joel through the 2 hour plus conversation.I could have saved you both a lot of exhaustion , by being your protector a long time ago.I will apologize to Joel. I wonder what J will say. Your mom has been in a lovely position with you the past several months without me in the picture. She has had her "baby" back. You know that I've prayed and tried to give 150% to have a great relationship with them. I do love them, too, but know that the bondage of this situation has worsened things. I've got to go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biff Posted August 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 Claire, please do not feel bad I will explain everything to Joel.Again, this is all because of me.Sure I would love for there to be reconciliationbetween you and my family but I understand that is not the priority right now.My priority is RESTORING our family, LOVING you, and bringing HOPE to your heart. Learning to serve you,your husband Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Jane Bennett Posted August 6, 2011 Report Share Posted August 6, 2011 (edited) After she told me I mentioned a few more things that Claire was hurt by.This when things went south, she blew up and said Marci should get over things and have Grace.(You see where I get my Mother son issues from-I brought up Grace to Marci before,incorrectly applying Gods meaning.)I tried to calmly tell her at first that I was just trying to get at the heart of the matter, and just to expect that this one thing was not the only thing hindering Claire's and my mother's relationship.She got so angry about me talking about other hurts. I will be praying for all of you. Much wisdom is needed in bringing healing to this family. Edited August 7, 2011 by Miss Jane Bennett Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biff Posted August 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2011 Thank you Truth,Julie The true can be hard, but it is pure, and it will prevail. John16:13 "But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes,He will guide you into all the truth;forHe will not speak on His own initative,but whatever He hears, He will speak;and he will disclose to you what is to come." I am thankful for this ministry and the helpers for helping me see the truth . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biff Posted August 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2011 Miss Jane Bennett, Please pray for my parents, they are good Christians, but are blinded by a false understanding of Grace.Your husband was a great encouragement today.You are blessed to have such a Godly husband. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claire Posted August 6, 2011 Report Share Posted August 6, 2011 Thank you Miss Jane, Nemo, Rejoice in - we appreciate you pouring your lives out for Biff and Claire - Biff and Claire - we are proud of you both and hopeful. Biff, you are expressing with thought. Claire, you had a marathon call today. We are seeing a GREAT future for you! Ya'll are something else. Sorry that my battery died yesterday, but did listen to the recording today. Sometimes, it does take more than a band-aid to heal gaping wounds...it requires stitches. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claire Posted August 6, 2011 Report Share Posted August 6, 2011 For the record, this was February communication (over 2 months after B left) from my MIL. G has hardly EVER offered to help with our children. One year when our 2 oldest were babies, I was gifted for my birthday a couple months of coming for a couple hours on Friday afternoons so I could grocery shop. Sent: Fri, Feb 25, 2011 12:39 pmSubject: Praying for you Dear C, I just want you know that even though you and B are having your problems now that we have not abandoned you. I know that might be hard to see since there has been very little communication since all this began, but to tell you the truth I haven't known what to say. I feel very lost as what to do or say. All I can say is that you and Biff have been in my prayers and thoughts every day. I am praying for a miracle from God that you two will be able to reconcile, both for the children's sake and for your sakes. The reason that Ian and I suggested Dr. S to Biff was because he is the brother of some very good friends of ours that we go to church with, and that he was able to save Bob and Patti's marriage with his counseling. I'm sorry if he offended you, and I'm glad that you have found this new counsel to help you both through this. My prayer is that it will truly help both of you. If I can be of any help by keeping the children while you meet with this couple, or any other time, please let me know. I am encouraged, as I hope you are, that Biff truly wants to get help for your marriage. In His Love, G My response below: This is interesting. 1.) There has been no communication, G. 2.) I thought the cancer cured the Os marriage? (The husband was given a few months to live and all of a sudden they were back together and the family was instantly healed. The wife was going to file for divorce, but her children said they would disown her.) I only remember for years hearing how their marriage problems were all Patti's fault which sounds quite familiar to what I've heard the past 15 years regarding my own marriage. Your counsel regarding a professional therapist didn't even get out of Biff what 2 Christian books did except several thousand dollars and a lot of wasted time. 3.) Thank you for your offer to help with the children, but I've been overwhelmed with love and support from neighbors, friends, and my family during this time. 4.) Biff's apparent change of heart regarding our marriage is a result of another Christian couple who is being transparent and loving to us during this time and some other things... Only time will tell, G. Many blessings, C Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claire Posted August 6, 2011 Report Share Posted August 6, 2011 Today's apology letter from the MIL: Dear C, I write this with a very heavy heart. For months now there has been an estrangement between us, and I know God is not pleased with His children behaving like this. I was hurt by your last e-mail, and so I decided to just not try anymore rather than be hurt again. Again, this is not what God wants from me. I know that through the years there have been things that I have said or done that may have hurt you. One, in particular, that comes to mind is asking Biff to not tell you about K's infidelity. Christy asked us not to tell ANYONE, and that included her brother. However, Ian & I were so devastated by the news that I felt like Biff should know. I was WRONG to break Christy's confidence. But I was WRONG to ask him not to tell you, as you are his wife and there should be no secrets. I should have apologized for this long ago, and asked for your forgiveness. I am asking now. PLEASE FORGIVE ME! I have been reading quite a bit lately about the importance of forgiveness to others. Mark 11:25 says: "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive your sins." In a chapter "The Power of Forgiveness", Donna Maltese says: "Relationships--between you and God, you and yourself, and you and others--can be a fragile thing. And when such relationships are breached, you can be sure the bane of unforgiveness is at the core. Forgiving those who offend us is difficult at best. The more heinous the infraction, the harder it is to pardon the perpetrator. Yet that is exactly what Jesus calls us to do. It has been said that refusing to forgive someone who injures you is like drinking poison and expecting the offender to die. David Jeremiah writes, 'The only way to heal the pain that will not heal itself is to forgive the person who hurt you. Forgiving heals your memory as you change your memory's vision. When you release the wrongdoer from your wrath, you cut a prisoner free...and discover that the prisoner you freed was yourself.' Donna continues: "God insists we forgive others no matter how big or small the offenses. But how do we tap into His power of forgiveness? The first step is to allow yourself to feel the hurt of the offenses against you, both past and present. Pray for the release of that hurt, and then pray for the power to forgive as God constantly and consistently forgives you. Continue to pray until you have truly forgiven in your heart. (It may not happen immediately, but it WILL happen.) Then thank God for His goodness and peace. Finally, when the time is right, try to restore your relationship with the person who hurt you." She concludes: "Dont't poison yourself with the bitter pill of unforgiveness--it's suicide! Instead tap into the power of FORGIVENESS, keeping Jesus' peace in mind, His mercy in your heart, His power at hand, and your relationship whole." C, I hope we can forgive each other, and restore a warm and loving relationship that will be honoring to our Lord Jesus Christ. In His Love, G Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rejoicein Posted August 6, 2011 Report Share Posted August 6, 2011 Wow it is amazing to watch God work when we get in His will and out of the way. Biff I know this is difficult for you but KNOW that if you walk in love and do what is right it will work out to the glory of God. Now is the time to step up even more to bless your bride. Steve Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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