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Your problem reid is that you WANT to look.


plain and simple


When you get that this is an abomination to the Lord then maybe you will actually get some self-control. Self-control is a fruit of the Holy Spirit.


It is not that you can not stop. It is because you do NOT WANT to stop.


Humble yourself...maybe you will get farther.


God is a jealous God. How do you think God would feel if you claim to love Him alone and then dabble with idols all week long? Would you think God would take issue with that?


Why do you think the Bible says, there is NO ONE like you, O, Lord. None can compare.


This is how God wants you to treat your wife. The same way God Himself expects you to treat Him.


Jesus has eyes only for the His Bride.


I am sorry reid, I do not buy into your sad story of how you are struggling. Starve your eyes. Period.

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Than you for the hugs. I surely do need them. I am sitting here, slack-jawed, at the book I checked out from the library today:_Every Heart Restored_. I'm only a couple chapters into it, but it feels like someone crawled into my heart and wrote a book about what they found. I identify with so much of this book. (so far) I am only now starting to connect the dots regarding our marriage history. The section I just read was about how a wife may shoulder the responsibility for the husband's lack of desire, e.g. by dieting, purchasing clothes she might not really feel comfortable wearing, etc. It reminded me of about 6 months into our marriage (I think it was). I was coming home from work every day, anxious to ML. For a while JR was going along, but I could tell he really didn't want to. Finally one day, in exasperation, he declared, "You know, we don't have to have sex EVERY day!!" I was so confused. He was 22 years old. I thought his libido was supposed to be huge, and yet, he didn't want to ML. At that point, I was still the weight as I was when we married. I kept pressing him and pressing him about why he didn't want sex. Finally, he admitted he was SGing (I have strong suspicions, now, that there was other stuff happening, too). I was crushed. I immediately started vomiting again to lose weight, which I did...but it was never enough. One day, I took a whole bottle of emetic and threw up so violently and long that afternoon, I was sure I'd die. I made a "bargain" with God that if He saved me, I'd never intentionally vomit again. Well, I survived. Then (you guessed it) after a time, JR confessed that he was still SGing. So, again, I tried to purge. But I couldn't. It was as if God totally took away my ability to do that...and I *wasn't* swallowing chemicals to cause it to happen again. (cont.)

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I continued to accept the blame for our sour marriage up until this May...honestly, I *still* struggle to not blame myself. I have scales...I have a mirror...I am *not* that young bride anymore. I felt ugly then, but I'm remembering how many guys I turned down before Reid, and I figure they must have thought I was worth having around. I wish I could travel back in time and tell that 23 year old bride (myself), "Honey, you are *lovely*! His sin predates you by a decade! You do not deserve this!" It breaks my heart to think of that girl, lying on that bathroom floor, vomiting uncontrollably because she was "too fat" to keep a husband. I have a river of tears for that girl...little did she (I) know that was just the beginning. Oh, God, help.

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Tea, Every Heart Restored is the same book I was referring to in my earlier post only I didn’t mention the name. Interesting that you found it.


I checked it out of the library first and then loved it so much I bought a copy to keep.


My heart goes out to that little girl you mentioned.



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Thank you, Pure!! As a soon to be ex-wife of a habitually lustful and sexually addicted man, I can attest that it really is about a "want to". We serve God and obey him because we want to and we make provision for obedience; we serve the flesh and give it free reign because we want to, and we make excuses for our failings and minimize our sin. God's heart is even more important than Tea's, for if you love God with all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength, then you will be able to love Tea with His love, and it doesn't get any better than that. Serve Him all the day long with your thoughts and your actions and your priorities, and your commitment to loving Tea will line up ever so nicely when you do. Have a continual conversation with God all day, instead of the negative self-talk that gets you nowhere. Praise Him, Thank him, ask for the strength and direction, and give the Holy Spirit freedom to convict and bring your life in line with the blessed Kingdom of God. And, when the Holy Spirit speaks, listen and obey His prompting. This ain't mumbo jumbo Christian falderal, it is RELATIONSHIP with a very loving, but very Mighty Father God.

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Wow, Tea, your vulnerability and transparency in sharing this piece of your story is so precious. I'm certain that we are not alone in this journey of self-abuse in order to fix the very destructive patterns of our husbands' brokenness.


I, personally, didn't find every heart restored too helpful, but I love The Healing Choice, by Brenda Stoeker and Susan Allen and The Healing Choice Guidebook, by Susan Allen. Here is a quick quote:


Our findings suggest that at least 70 percent of marriages are impacted by some form of betrayal of intimacy. This guidebook is for the woman whose husband has betrayed her in his heart--through his thought life, by his use of pornography, or because of his sexual behaviors outside of the marriage. It is for the woman who is faced with the reality that her most intimate earthly partner has betrayed his covenant vow to her, inflicting deep wound. The purpose of the guidebook is to help a woman in this position to heal her brokenness and equip herself to make wise decisions for the future.



I have used this material as a facilitator for women impacted by this betrayal and I strongly recommend it. Although the husband's choices are a significant part of the healing and restoration of the marriage, there is a lot of work a woman can do independent of her husband, to welcome the healing and to come to a better of understanding of how healing works in conjunction with boundaries. I especially like the practical charts that are a shortcut for evaluating change, addressing areas of trust, and for identifying red flag behavior that is not as obvious as the lipstick on the collar. This material, and the support group that I participated in was an invaluable source of strength when I was destroyed by the full knowledge of my husband's 15 years of infidelity. I still refer back to it for perspective and to quiet the voice of the enemy when I feel sad about my broken marriage and begin to fall back into taking ownership of my husband's problems. This rights the ship and sets me back upright in the water, so to speak. Here is a link to Amazon if you want to read further.



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Thank you, Firewalker, for the comment and book recommendation. As I continued on in _E.H.R._ I did get annoyed by the on and on descriptions of "how men are hardwired." I have known that information for many years, and, frankly, I don't care. Sin is sin, and it has to stop. The book *has* been helpful, though, because I really didn't think anybody understood my "unique" feelings. What a relief to find I'm normal! haha!

Also, I just read a section in which I found a compelling reason to grit this out. We have an awesome little boy--7yo. I just read how these sexual sins can be an attempt by a boy to salve psychological pain, and how that "nothing delivers a load of pain quite like divorce." The thought of my son living in bondage like is his dad has causes something darn near violent to rise up in me. Now, I'm not saying that it would be wrong to divorce for the sake of your sanity or for the purpose of restoration...I'm just saying the thought of my boy gives me energy to fight. It kind of helps me keep from letting my pain paralyze me. I don't always have the will to fight for my marriage (sorry), but I surely do have it to save my son. If being a Godly helpmeet to my husband can help me defend my son, I will. It gives me courage. (Granted, I understand that my son will make his choices and will deal with the consequences, but it is helpful to know that there are things we parents can do to maximize Junior's chances at being victorious.) Anyway, I will get that book you mentioned. I need help!

Also, thank you for your kind words about my posting these personal stories. After I wrote that, I began to doubt myself about sharing it. I guess I got afraid someone would read it and think, "Wow. She really *is* messed up!" Well, yeah. But I had help getting there! haha It does help me to share. Thanks again.

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You are so right to keep getting resourced for the fight. I really wanted to save my sons from the pain of a divided house of pain. 7 additional years of working to restore our marriage after infidelity was not enough. My husband claimed he had done so much changing, and yet he went back to his sin and remains there. I on the other hand, who was accused of not changing enough, had grown enough backbone, and found enough hope and strength to no longer accept token worldly efforts as a substitute for repentance and spiritual growth. After his latest infidelity, I had to file to divorce him, knowing that he was not even close to being on a path of restoration. And, now he is happily in adultery with another married woman who is a lot like me, only more submissive. :blink: A fool to trade gold for the dungheap, but all prodigals do don't they?


My husband was not a child of divorce, and he was raised in a home that didn't have an alcoholic/addict. But...he still ended up wounded and struggling because of the emotional disconnect of his parents. His mom was undiagnosed OCD and his dad was checked out after battling cancer and losing his job, then his belief in a just world that would take a man's livelihood because of cancer. His dad beat cancer for another 18 years, but succumbed to bitterness and resentment until the cancer returned.


So...there is a myriad of childhood wounds that bring on struggles of pain numbing, addictive behavior. Your passion to be in the fight for your son's future will surely benefit him in a big way, but you are right that he too will choose his path. We can only protect and nurture for a season, then a man has to stand and choose.


It is so crazy that your words (and C2's as well) about your painful journey in marriage could have been written by me. I am amazed how our loving God brings his kid together to be family and support for each other.


C2 I am so happy for you and DW, and I am glad that all the support that is made available to couples here was utilized for this great opportunity at love and future for you two together. It is miraculous when the change is clear, but we know it is really about daily decisions and the hard work of follow through. God will bring forth the fruit of maturity in a heart that is turned toward Him.

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Hi Tea,


I am yet another kindred spirit/sister in Christ scorned by porn in marriage and wounded by parental comments to the point of anorexia/bulimia.


I was uplifted greatly by this book by the wife of singer/songwriter Clay Crosse, Renee Crosse. It was written more in storytelling prose. i cold laugh and cry with her ups and downs of the journey.




I too read EHR and had some problems with how they tried to get the women to see HOW HARD it was for the men. Puullleeease! God says "DON'T". Period.


The worse pain for a child to endure is not divorce, per se. But rather it is abandonment. Oftentimes divorce ushers in abandonment, but not necessarily. For me it did, but for my oldest two kids, it did not. Their father is very involved with their lives and they are well adjusted.


FW's story about her ex is interesting to me. Although his parents stayed married, I am wondering if his biggest wound is still abandonment. MY biggest wound is abandonment. Nemo's worse sin towards me was porn, until some two plus years into this he then struck me down with abandonment. Porn touched upon my wounds of self-unconfidence, abandonemnt struck upon abandonment.


But through it all, I do feel I've grown. Through the loving ears, mouths, hands and arms of this ministry, I found acceptance and commitment.


I do now believe that I AM a proverbs 31 woman: (if not very close)

10 [4] An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.

11 The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.

12 She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. (Our husbands would do WELL to recognize that the abundant life that God has planned to prosper them awaits in the heart of their helpmeet. It behooves them to find the key to unlock that holy grail.)

13 She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands.

14 She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar.

15 She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens.

16 She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.

17 She dresses herself [5] with strength and makes her arms strong.

18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night.

19 She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle.

20 She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.

21 She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet. [6]

22 She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple.

23 Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.

24 She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant.

25 Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.

26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

27 She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Nemo has a hard time with this one - "idleness".

28 Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:

29 “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” You betcha we do!

30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Do I hear a GIANT amen?! If he really wants to enter the Hellish place, then go ahead and follow the women of proverbs 5 & 7, honey, but leave me OUT of it. God has better things in store for us who are faithfully to love His word, and his love, and his law, designed to keep us safe.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.

And it behooves my husband to realize this is true of his wife. And if he doesn't, our Lord recognizes it and WILL take good care of me and my children no matter what hubby decides. Right Firewalker?


And YOU ARE a Proverbs 31 woman TOO! More precious than jewels, including rubies ('wisdom' is worth that much per Prov 3). And wisdom is a SHE!



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Thank you Firewalker and PIH for your exhortation. Falderal- good word :-)


Romans 7:24 - 8:17


Thank you TP for sending me that call info.

Thank you all for speaking life to Tea.


Got no time to post more. I've got reading to do and work to do to bless my bride while I can. Words fail.

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WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TELL her EVERYthing you are thinking????


that seems to ME to be abusive to her?


when Joel tells about the process of his changing into the man who was agape-loving his bride, Kathy, he shares the inner struggles that he went through -- just to even do the slightest thing that she asked (ie a hug), it would be like walking through a tumultous hurricane force wind to get there, OH my - he did NOT want to do what was wanted by this adult wife of his -- did HE let KATHY SEE this turmoil in his heart? NO -- he kept it inside...

a woman is NOT designed by the Lord to handle the craziness of the struggles that men go through while changing into a godly man.... so STOP TELLING what ALL is going on in your head --

tell it to the men on the conference calls or write it down in a private diary that she will never EVER read -- but don't share about your thoughts of other women for your wife to read about or to hear it --


INSTEAD, immediately change your focus and say aloud, "THANK YOU, LORD, for sending the most beautiful bride in the world to be my wife -- she is so awesome, and is a wonderful blessing. Help me, Lord, to agape-love and bless her in every way possible."


insert POSITIVES to replace the NEGATIVE thoughts.


tea's "signature is:



so, QUIT wiping it in her face that you are continually struggling to be a decent guy and how hard it is to think of ONLY her as lovely -- this makes her feel ugly and worthless....


praying for you to turn around quickly ---


June of



Some great advise that hits home for me. I struggle that I need to communicate to my wife so she knows what I'm thinking, feeling or whatever but does she really need to know my fears, frustrations and worries. I guess not, that is supposed to be between me and God. With her I only need to share the information that is vital to her understanding. Somethings do not need to be shared, they are between me and God. My job is to be a source of life to my bride, to die to myself, to carry her cross and mine, so that she can be blessed. God is my strenght and my shield and my comforter...


"...in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39

"Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21


Edited by pk0321
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I got a community center membership for myself and the kids last week. I really enjoy swimming, and so do they. I was pretty shocked last week to go to the pool and look around at the other women and realize I'm pretty normal. haha Yesterday, the kids all wanted to go, but they wanted both JR and me to go. He said he was willing to go and he had a really good attitude about it. I felt very nervous, though...not because of any other women there, but because I felt so exposed in front of him, like I needed to hide. (when he's not there, I'm just fine going swimming.) I imagine he thought my discomfort was because of the other women, and I think he was careful to direct his eyes to me and the kids. So, it was good as far as his behavior, but I still have a shield up. Not sure how all this is supposed to work.

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I can relate. I feel most embarrassed in front of my husband too - only because I know the truth of his preferences.


THAT is a wound that only he can heal because it only exists with him!


And while he focuses in on healing that wound in you, he AUTOMATICALLY heals himself.


Everytine he is tempted to look elsewhere, he needs to REPLACE that temptation with looking at you.


YOU are to become his yardstick by which HE MEASURES all other women.


ONLY YOU are able to physically satisfy him per God's command ... so it serves him well to find the highest level of beauty in a woman in ONLY YOU!

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"I think we emphasize sin so much that it makes us paralyzed

And glorify struggle so much that it makes us terrified"


"Work your senses/grow in wisdom/stand firm and be relentless"


Make War. Cause sin never sleeps.


not just defensively- be offensive. Satan hates for me to bless my bride.

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I too felt the same sting being anywhere in a swimsuit with my husband. I was fine with anyone else, except him. The only acceptance I needed was from him, but his "struggle" was so much more apparent than his half-hearted attempts at acceptance of me. The way it could have worked was for my husband to consistently show preference, admiration, and attention toward me. Consistency would have produced a successful pattern for him, and his consistent affirmations would have been the healing balm that my wounded spirit needed. Sigh. Didn't happen.


{Funny thing,my husband picked out another woman who was more plump than I and she is 6 years younger than I am. But, she too picked out a man who resembled her husband and even has the same name. People who don't follow the counsel of God are doomed to keep to their same old faulty thinking and repeat the same behaviors. Replacements. Hmmm. I'm just sayin'....}


A man has to choose, and like JR said on his thread, he can not focus so much on the struggle that he freaks himself out about getting it right, then he paralyzes himself with the fear of getting it wrong, saying it wrong or looking guilty, that he does much of nothing. The passive guy would much rather be told what to do, over and over and over again, than map out an action plan and empower himself with a successful set of steps that would meet his commitment and develop true maturity in his spiritual walk and in his character, and the by product of a happy marriage and a fulfilling intimate relationship with the wife of his youth.

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Thank you, Ladies, for your responses. I am surprised to learn that other women feel that way in front of their husbands, too. Of course, it makes sense, though. I had always thought that JR shouldbe the person in this world in front of whom I should feel total freedom...but he is the one around whom I'm most guarded. I had tried from time to time to "open up," but just couldn't. JR always made me feel like something was wrong with me, but he and I both recognize now it's because of his history.

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Gotta brag on J.R. Firstly, as far as I know, he has kept pure the last two days...even including our family trip to the swimming pool. He has kept up with his texting, posting and calls. He has been thoughtful, loving and kind. Then, this morning, he lays the cutest, "cheesy goodness" on me...(and I love cheesy goodness...) When I opened the cabinet to get my coffe cup, he had put a post-it on it that said, "L, is for the way you look at me..." I laughed out loud. Then, I opened another cabinet for the creamer...another post-it: "O is for the only one I see..." LOL! On through my morning routine I found more notes with more lyrics. Totally made me feel like a million. WTG, J.R...that's the ticket. He's done lots of other things right--dishes, laundry, mowing...etc...too many to list. Thank you, J.R, for working so hard.

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Hurray! So glad you are having a great day! TP - we don't want to post the private passcode for the men's calls - acck! - that is only for people who are paid. Reid is a paid member - Marsha gives the passcode to the men when they register. For anyone who wants to register, call Marsha at 386-547-5729


Love the acronyms! Another husband called me yesterday and he is doing that same thing with words. That is wonderful attention for a wife!


When we drive by a billboard, at least the first few times, I normally acknowledge it to Kathy by saying "she's ugly" or something to that effect. It creates a chuckle for us. At one time, billboards were a crisis. A guy can't help that a billboard is up!


When we say that a wife is her husband's accountability partner, it means that she is the only one who knows him inside. Even when he was attracted to your friend, Tea, in most cases, a wife has a sense about it - but sometimes they don't take notice of it. I wonder, if you look back, if you could say in retrospect that perhaps you did sense something "off" occasionally?


A husband will not ever come to the place (hopefully) where he does not "see" a woman - that would mean he is blind. Acck! Even Jesus "saw" women. And we hope that a man never comes to the place where he does not "see" that a woman is "pretty". We want healthy, whole men who have overcome the need to lust, flirt, look at porn, get female affirmation from others etc. We don't want blind men! We used to joke about me closing my eyes when we would drive by a billboard.


You have to look for a place down the road where it can be a lighthearted response. If we are somewhere and a woman is hanging out of her shirt, I look over at Kathy and say under my breath "cover them up, woman!" or "tuck 'em back in!"


In the past if I didn't say anything, then in a few minutes, Kathy would. The fact that I would just try to shove it under the rug would bother her - but just being the first one to make a comment seemed to make things rush toward an easy, relaxed, no-stress place.


So, the accountability is like you described today. You were with him. You know he treated you well. You know he was successful at not lusting at the pool.


So the best thing to do with the "kick" that a guy feels especially strong in the early days of recovery, is to immediately turn that attention to Tea. Look at her, look down her shirt, take a look behind her, so to speak! Train your energies and attention to go to your wife.


There is an article in "favorite posts" about why men flirt, lust, get into chat rooms etc. You will both benefit by reading it. We teach the recovery from this at the intensive and I believe that we teach it in the article too!


I hope you have a Weekend Marriage Intensive in your future!

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Hi J&K! Thanks for the word of encouragement. An intensive is definitely in our future. SweetTea is a bit concerned about the timing. We won't be able to make one until november. We'll be in the third trimester of pregnancy at that time. ML will bel The way see it I have one viable option. Love my wife.

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Gotta brag on J.R. Firstly, as far as I know, he has kept pure the last two days...even including our family trip to the swimming pool. He has kept up with his texting, posting and calls. He has been thoughtful, loving and kind. Then, this morning, he lays the cutest, "cheesy goodness" on me...(and I love cheesy goodness...) When I opened the cabinet to get my coffe cup, he had put a post-it on it that said, "L, is for the way you look at me..." I laughed out loud. Then, I opened another cabinet for the creamer...another post-it: "O is for the only one I see..." LOL! On through my morning routine I found more notes with more lyrics. Totally made me feel like a million. WTG, J.R...that's the ticket. He's done lots of other things right--dishes, laundry, mowing...etc...too many to list. Thank you, J.R, for working so hard.


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Had a good weekend. Fri night we hosted a get together to celebrate our daughter's 17th birthday. JR helped clean. Amazing how loved I feel when he does that. The guests were all "safe." It was a lot of fun. Went out with JR Sat...good conversation. Noted our favorite Mexican restaurant had gotten new menus...the new ones didn't have a Flamenco dancing floozy on the front. lol Did some stuff together around the house...shopping, etc. Sunday was a little rough at church. A lot of ghosts. I think I figured something out about JR. He had often been irritable and grouchy at church. He said it was because there weren't any men "to relate to." That never made sense to me. Yesterday, I realized that he was always tense there because of all the women he was attracted to. I got a little mad at him...even though he hadn't done anything. We were able to talk a few minutes, and that helped. Before we left church, friends (safe ones) invited us to their house for lunch. Had such a nice time. Afterward, we went swimming (!) as a family. JR was relaxed and implemented some techniques Joel had shared--even though there really weren't any "threats" at the pool. (I love our pool...it's a geezer pool. haha!) Anyway, Reid had some nice comments regarding my bathing suit, lol, which really made me feel good. It was so fun to just be able to enjoy swimming together and to enjoy the flattering attention from JR. Today, we'll go to my prenatal appt and then out to eat with the kids. Should be another nice day.

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