Ready to be the Man of my womans dreams

[Rebuilding Trust]

Hello everyone,

 

I just wanted to get my first post out of the way. I recently found Joel and Kathy online while searching for marriage advise. I signed up for the SaveOurChristianMarriage.com online traing and have been through the first 10 lessons so far. I have also purchased the audio version of the first book and have listened to the first 4 chapters so far.

 

I am currently seperated from my wife of 20 years, we seperated in January this year. We do live in different homes, but I do see her 3-4 days a week and spend the night with her and the children. The children also spend time with me at my house. My oldest child will turn 19 in 4 days on June 1st and my youngest will turn 13 on Nov 19. My kids and family are everything to me.

 

I was beside myself when my wife let me konw what she wanted a seperation. I think I really thought that she was happy and would never think about leaving me. Since then, we have talked a lot. She has found this new strenght that has allowed her to be very bold and honest. For me, it has been hard swallow all she has to say and I just have not understood where all this came from. I now realize that it came from 20 years of abuse and control by me.

 

I am 110% on board with Saving Our Marrage and am daily learning to die to myself and open up to my wife. The journey is hard somedays and I struggle with giving her the time she needs, but she is reacting to me and acknowleding that she is seeing the changes in me. I can not believe how much of an eye opener this has all been to me. I am soooooooo in loooooooove with my wife and can not imagine not being with her. All those years of neglect and taking her for granted kill me.

 

Today, she is going to tag along with me on a business trip to SF and then we are going to spend the day together - can't wait....

[Looney_Tunes]

Hi there! Welcome to the forum!

 

The first thing we ask just about any guy to do is to read this post http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/3188-abusepowercontrol/ and check off all of the things you have done to abuse your wife. If your wife is willing, print out a copy for her and ask her to check them off as well, without her seeing your answers. It's very possible that your wife will remember things that you don't. Her version is the correct one.

 

We're going to take this and work up an apology letter that will hopefully bring your wife some healing. We'll want you to post your apology letter here first before you give it to your wife. Most men inadvertently make their first attempt all about them, simply because they don't know any better. We will need to teach you how to word it in a way that will not hurt her more.

 

It will also help us to know some of the ways in which you were most abusive. Are you more of a get in her face and intimidate her kind of guy, or do you tend to sit back and drive her crazy with your silence? What would be the top 3 things your wife would complain about most?

 

The good news is that you CAN save your marriage. It sounds like your wife is willing to work with you. Treat that as the gift it is - many of the men here are at the point where their wife wants nothing to do with them. Share this ministry with her if she doesn't already know about it, and tell here that we are here to help YOU become a good husband. Invite her to participate, but don't force her. If she says no, leave it alone.

 

Have you been on any of the marriage calls yet? Info is here: http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/625-marriage-mentoring-calls-six-days-each-week/page__view__findpost__p__18113 The more calls you can listen to, and the more you post here, the easier this will be. We have this support system in place for a reason. Use it.

 

As I said, you CAN save your marriage. Every man CAN, but not every man WILL. Too many of them bail out when it gets hard, and it will get hard. It will probably be the hardest thing you've ever done, but I promise it will be worth it.

[Rebuilding Trust]

Posting this is very, very hard for me to do but I want to be completely transparent. Alot of these things I have done over the last 20 years to abuse my wife. More often that not, these actions were done unknowingly by me because of my immaturity and arrested development issues. My wife didn't do the best job of picking a great husband due to her own life issues as a child and has even admitted that she probably picked me because of the need to get out of her own house.

 

From listening to the calls, I had the obligation, responsibility and privelegde to BE THE MAN OF MY WIFES DREAMS and to help her be healed of her own childhood issues. But instead, I not only didn't help her be healed, I added insult to injury and added additional injuries and stress to her life.

 

I can't figure out how to make her understand how sorry I am and that I have had a WAKE UP CALL. I see now how it is my responsibility and priviledge to BE HER MAN. I hope that somehow she can find it in her heart to forgive me and give me another chance to make it all right!!!

 

I was able to have her help me go through the 21 questions on abuse/control and below are the questions that I had no choice but to say YES, I have a problem in these areas:

 

 

2. Male Privilege: Treats victim like a servant, makes all of the decisions, acts like “Master of the Castle”

I definately have acted as "Master of the Castle" and have expected my wife to be my servant. My mom is a co-dependand wife of an alcoholic and waits on everybody hand and foot. When I got married, I expected my wife to be the same way and expected my wife to do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and taking care of the kids and when she didn't I thought it was my wife. I now realize that it was me all along. I had a warped sense of what a marriage is...

 

 

3. Knowledge Abuse: get therapy, goes to seminary, uses self-help books then comes back and abuses with the knowledge he has but doesn’t take responsibility for personal behaviors

 

My wife says that I have a double standard in that I hold others accountable and use knowledge but that I do not always hold myself to the same standards. I would have to agree that I have done this....

 

 

5. Humiliation: hostile humor; publicly criticizes; degrades her appearance, her parenting skills, her housekeeping, cooking, etc; forces her to eat foods she doesn’t like

 

Very much in the early years of my marriage I criticized my wife to my family and friends complaining about her housekeeping, cooking and parenting skills. In later years, I greatly improved in this area, especially with my family but a lot of the hurt was already done and I guess I never really did go back an appologize...

 

 

6. Responsibility Abuse: makes victim responsible for everything in life, ie bills, parenting, etc

 

I absolutely have done this to my wife. In retrospect, I did make everything her fault. If she would just be this way or that way then everything would be good. Wow, can't believe how big of an [edit] I have been...

 

 

10. Isolation: controls what is done, who is seen, who is talked to, limits or listens in on phone calls; sabotages car; restricts outside interests; insists on moving frequently; requires her to stay in the house; restricts access to the mail; deprives her of friends

 

In the early years of our marriage, I did leave my wife at home with no access to money or a car and sometimes even a phone. Never really intentionally, but in looking back now, what a selfish bastard I was...

 

 

12. Stalking: spies on her, follows her to activities, ie store, church, work, etc Displays extreme distrust and jealousy

 

More recently, since we have been seperated, I have followed her and checked up on her to make sure she was were she said she would be. At one point, I even monitored her GPS on her phone. I did this because I was feeling very insecure and was suspecting that she might be having an affair or at minimum, lying to me about her activities. I now realize that I just ended up loosing even more trust...

 

 

13. Emotional Abuse: puts her down; calls her names, plays mind games; commits mental coercion; exhibits extreme controlling behaviors; withholds affection; causes her to lose her identity

 

 

There is no doubt that I have emotionally abused my wife over the years. God if I could only take it all back...

 

 

14. Threats: threatens to end the relationship; threatens to emotionally or physically harm her; threatens her life; threatens to take the children, commit suicide, report her to authorities; forces her to break the law

 

 

I don't recall this, but my wife says that I have threatened to not pay child support and to leave her in the past.

 

 

15. Economic Abuse: puts restriction on her employment; makes her ask for money; gives her an allowance and takes the money she earns; requires her to account for every penny she spends

 

I have controlled money for sure and therefore she always had to ask me for money. I made promises about purchasing things, vacations and other expenses that never came true. I always blamed it on her spending too much money and not following my budget or for her not working or this or that or the other thing - I never really took responsibility...

 

 

16. Financial Abuse: ruins her credit; puts cars, house, recreational equipment, and/or property in his name; spends her money, uses her credit or savings to make her dependent on him

 

Same as #15. I have controlled money and have kept our credit in the toilet for years....

 

 

18. Property Violence: punches walls, destroys property, breaks down doors, pounds tables, abuses pets, etc

 

I have always had a short temper. I have never physically hit my wife, but I have lost my temper and ended up slamming a door or breaking something in my fit of rage...

 

 

19. Verbal Abuse: curses, accuses, name-calls, uses past to control and manipulate, commits mental blackmail, makes unreasonable demands

 

 

I have reverted to name calling and cursing when I feel like I have lost control. It is at that moment of feeling like I have lost all control that I loose it...

[Looney_Tunes]

More often that not, these actions were done unknowingly by me because of my immaturity and arrested development issues. My wife didn't do the best job of picking a great husband due to her own life issues as a child and has even admitted that she probably picked me because of the need to get out of her own house.

 

Congratulations. You are just like 99.9% of the couples who come to this ministry. We understand that you didn't deliberately set out to abuse your wife. We're going to teach you how to stop doing it, and how to repair the damage you've already done.

 

I can't figure out how to make her understand how sorry I am and that I have had a WAKE UP CALL.

 

You make her understand by doing, not by talking. Talk is cheap, and what you do speaks so loudly that what you say I cannot hear. When you are consistently dying to yourself and loving her, she will notice.

 

Thanks for posting your list of abuses. I know it was a hard thing to do, but it's the first step towards growing up. You have to take responsibility for what you did. If you accidentally run me over with your car, the fact that you didn't mean it doesn't change the fact that I'm in the ICU with 6 broken bones and internal injuries.

 

OK, on to the next step. I want you to take a few days and make a list of as many specific instances you can remember, and then write an apology for each one. The apology needs to include how you think your wife felt at the time. For example, don't just say I'm sorry I ignored you. Say I'm sorry I ignored you when we went to Joe's party. I talked to everyone but you. You probably felt like I didn't care at all. Do you see the difference? A specific example that is focused on your wife will bring healing. A generic I'm sorry is more about you and feels like Sorry for what? That you got caught?

 

There is a good example of an apology letter here http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/244-great-verbal-apology-written-apology-is-also-here/page__view__findpost__p__10370 to get you started.

 

Important - post your letter here before you give it to your wife.

 

So how did the trip go?

[Rebuilding Trust]

Congratulations. You are just like 99.9% of the couples who come to this ministry. We understand that you didn't deliberately set out to abuse your wife. We're going to teach you how to stop doing it, and how to repair the damage you've already done.

 

 

 

You make her understand by doing, not by talking. Talk is cheap, and what you do speaks so loudly that what you say I cannot hear. When you are consistently dying to yourself and loving her, she will notice.

 

Thanks for posting your list of abuses. I know it was a hard thing to do, but it's the first step towards growing up. You have to take responsibility for what you did. If you accidentally run me over with your car, the fact that you didn't mean it doesn't change the fact that I'm in the ICU with 6 broken bones and internal injuries.

 

OK, on to the next step. I want you to take a few days and make a list of as many specific instances you can remember, and then write an apology for each one. The apology needs to include how you think your wife felt at the time. For example, don't just say I'm sorry I ignored you. Say I'm sorry I ignored you when we went to Joe's party. I talked to everyone but you. You probably felt like I didn't care at all. Do you see the difference? A specific example that is focused on your wife will bring healing. A generic I'm sorry is more about you and feels like Sorry for what? That you got caught?

 

There is a good example of an apology letter here http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/244-great-verbal-apology-written-apology-is-also-here/page__view__findpost__p__10370 to get you started.

 

Important - post your letter here before you give it to your wife.

 

So how did the trip go?

[Rebuilding Trust]

The trip on Friday went fantastic. We really enjoyed the day and had a great time together in SF walking on the pier and then having a nice dinner together.

 

On Friday, I had mentioned to my wife about this ministry and she agree to help me answer the 21 questions, which we ended up doing on Saturday afternoon. On Saturday, we ended up going out dancing together and also had a great time.

 

On Sunday, I was helping my wife with some stuff and asked her if she would join me with this ministry by being on a conference call or going to an intensive. Her response was devestation to me. Let me first say that the honesty that she is sharing with me is incredible but hard to swallow. I have to stop myself and remember that I am blessed that she is even giving me the time of day.

 

Anyways, her response was that she did not want anything to do with religion right now. She shared that she had previously been living on the FAITH or her prayers that I would change and our marriage would be fixed (this was prior to her checking out about a year before she actually left me). We both have fallen away from going to church every week but we are both still very strong believers in Christ. She said she was not giving up on her faith but that at this time, she just didn't have it in her. She was so hurt and mad at God for not answering her prayers back then. I was really shocked to hear this and started crying and told her that I was sooooo sorry for hurting her and that I was committed to be the husband of her dreams and that I know that I can not take it back but that I was not giving up and am committed to making it right.

 

As we talked more, she admitted to me that she has considered having an affair (but has not done so). I let her know that I have been a jerk and that I honestly could not blame her because of the way I have made her feel over the years but begged her to not do it. I think she will not and I think we agreed that she is going to give me until then end of the year to really show her I have changed.

 

I realized on Sunday that the more I push, for her to be part of this ministry or to just talk about how we are doing, the more I push her away. When we are together, we really enjoy each others company and she says that herself. I think I keep ruining the progress that I make but keep wanting to talk about it. What do you think?

 

We ended up having a good rest of the day. She went home and slept and I helped my daughter with some school work (she is home schooled) and then my daughter and I went on a walk together. We all had dinner together and then teamed up and cleaned the entire house. I fixed a short in my wife's car, the headlight and brake light were not working. The brake light ended up being a bulb and the headlight has a wire that came loose. We then went to bed and snuggled but didn't have sex and she fell asleep. Can't remember if I said before, that we don't live together, but that I do spend a lot of time there and often end up staying the night. Our sex life is awesome and always has been.

 

This morning, I left her a little love note and a Magnolia Flower that I picked (one of her favorites). She works all day on Monday's and Tuesday's, like 16 hours both days so I will not see her again probably until Wednesday (we do text as needed). I usually make sure the kids are ok and try to have dinner with them on these nights. She works hard on these two days, but then has a lot more free time the rest of the week....

[Looney_Tunes]

Anyways, her response was that she did not want anything to do with religion right now. She shared that she had previously been living on the FAITH or her prayers that I would change and our marriage would be fixed . . . She was so hurt and mad at God for not answering her prayers back then.

 

We understand. She, like most of us, has been spoon fed what I call shut-up-and-pray theology. It doesn't work. God gave us all free will, and in order for shut-up-and-pray to work, God would have to force a husband into doing His will. God doesn't work like that. He will never force his way in.

 

So when you talk to her again, please tell her gently that she should not blame God for something that is your fault - that it's your responsibility to change, although God will certainly help when you ask. Tell her that we all understand where she's coming from, and IF she should ever want to be a part of this ministry, we have love and support to offer her. Then drop it. Don't mention it at all, because that will feel like pressure to her. If she's interested, she'll ask.

 

I realized on Sunday that the more I push, for her to be part of this ministry or to just talk about how we are doing, the more I push her away. When we are together, we really enjoy each others company and she says that herself. I think I keep ruining the progress that I make but keep wanting to talk about it. What do you think?

 

I think your wife is amazingly smart, and you should listen to what she tells you. Words mean nothing - it's your behavior that's going to tell her you've changed. Zip your lip and let her see the changes in you. Focus on her when you're together. Treat her like a princess. Ask Is there anything you need right now? on a regular basis. Don't talk about your relationship unless SHE brings it up.

 

When you're at her house, jump in and do all of the chores you never helped with before. Have her sit and put her feet up while YOU make dinner. Help the kids with school - I homeschool my kids too, and my ex never helped, so this means a lot. Whatever the old you would do in a particular situation, do the opposite. When you're alone at your house, work on your apology letter.

 

I honestly think your marriage is going to be pretty easy to fix, as long as you do what you need to do. Your wife doesn't hate your guts, and she's willing to spend time with you. She still wants to have sex with you. That's HUGE. So many men don't find us until their wife wants nothing to do with them. Count your blessings, and then bless her socks off.

[Rebuilding Trust]

This subject is hard to post and talk about. I feel like such a looser to admit that I am living with my mom. My wife and I are currently in the middle of filing for bankruptcy and she if currently living in an apartment with my two children.

 

To make a long story short, my father passed away and my wife and I ended up living with my mom because she needed financial support and it made more sense for us to move in with her and visa versa. Well that whole thing did not work out really well and in part, had a lot to do with my wife moving out. My mom is a very negative person and her and my wife do not really get along. I take some responsiblity in that as "a momma boy" and that over the years I shared way too much information with my mom and dad about my wife that was negative (ie: she didn't cook, keep the house clean, etcetera).

 

I have completely stopped engaging in those conversations with my mom but am still living there and paying her rent. I really feel a compeltion to move out, but doing so would leave her in a financial situation. But everyday is such a negative drag on my and I am just so ready to be done with it.

 

I have been looking around and have found a nice living situation on a farm that includes a place for my daughters horse and is affordable. I want to take it but do not know if this would be unchristian like for me to leave my mom stranded. But I'm not sure I can or should stay in that environment. I would move back with my wife and get a house, but for now, that is not an option because she is not ready to trust me that much yet.

 

Please give me some advice on this - I really feel getting out would be a key in making my wife gain some respect back for me?

[Looney_Tunes]

It is almost always better if you are NOT living with your mom. One of your biggest problems is what we call mother-son issues (see this post http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/1026-mother-son-issues-by-joel/page__view__findpost__p__41692 ), and those will be exacerbated by living with your mom.

 

You may need to go a step further and tell your mom that if she speaks negatively about your wife at all, you will end the conversation. Mom needs to understand that your first priority is your wife, and then your kids.

 

Is it at all possible for you to move and still offer your mom some short term financial help? If you can, offer to give her X amount for 3 months after you move out. Make it clear that you can't give her money forever, but this will give her some time to plan her finances. That should soften the blow a little.

 

Now that I've said all that, the most important thing is how your wife feels about this. Run it by her and see what she thinks.

[Rebuilding Trust]

Working on my apology letter today. I listened in on the conference call last night on and off but was not able to stay on for long periods of time.

 

Yesterday, I was on a mission to find a Magnolia Flower for my wife. A couple of days ago, I asked her how I could bless her and the told me that she really wanted a Magnolia Flower. So , I went and called several flower shops and nursery's but was unable to find a flower that was in bloom. I did find a tree nearby, but the flowers that were low enough to reach were either damaged or not yet blooming. Then, later than night, my daughter and I went on a walk and while we were out, we spotted a tree with many flowers that were blooming and were beautiful. By lick, the owners of the home where outside and were more than happy to share. I took the flowers home and put them in a nice vase and added a card expressing my love.

 

This morning, my wife texed me thanking me for the flowers and we ended up talking on the phone for over 30 minutes (would have been longer but I was at work). She seemed so happy and appreciative. We confirmed plans to take the kids out to dinner tomorrow night for my son's 19th birthday. We also made plans to do a BBQ at the Park on either Friday night or Saturday night for my daughter's ballet recital with some friends.

 

I am really encouraged on the reactions and vibes I am getting. I know I just need to keep it real and continue to just love her and die to myself daily, heck, hourly or even more often (lol). I really feel llike I am not doing this for me, that I am doing it for her. It is almost an overwhelming desire that I can't control to serve and bless her....

[Rebuilding Trust]

Here is my apology letter so far - any feedback, suggestions or comments will be greatly appreciated...

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

To the love

of my life,

 

Just saying I’m sorry is so inadequate in itself. If I do notshow you through my actions in everyday life that I have changed, my words meannothing. My hope is that you have already started to see these changes in meand that my actions reinforce the words I am trying to say.

 

It broke my heart when you told me the other day that you didnot want to become involved in the Christian marriage counseling program that Iam in because God had previously not answered your prayers to save ourmarriage. Honey, I understand from the bottom of my heart how that must havemade you feel. But honey, that was not God’s fault, it is 100% my fault. Godgave each of us free will and will not make any of us do anything that wouldtake away our free will. Maybe, God’s answer was giving you the strength toleave me and to stand up to me and be honest. Maybe that is what I needed,because honey, it worked!

 

I AM SORRY HONEY

 

I am sosorry for so many things, but mostly for being so self centered and selfabsorbed that I never gave you’re this attention and affection that you sodesperately needed. You had big dreams of what marriage would be like and Ishattered those dreams over and over for you.

 

I’m sorrythat I wasn’t a better man, a godly man that treated you like the princess thatyou are.

 

I’m sorryfor every moment that I was angry or cross with you, when really; I was mad anddisgusted at myself, not you.

 

I am sorry that I have treated you like a servant and not myco-pilot, my lover and my friend

 

I am sorry that I always question you and don’t trust you,your knowledge and abilities

 

I am sorry that I called you lazy to my friends and familyand did not respect you for who you are/were

 

I am sorry that I have always blamed you for our financialtroubles when in fact, I kept the finances from you and spent money we didn’thave over and over again letting you think everything was ok

 

I am sorry that I would go off and leave you stranded, attimes without food, a phone, a car or even an explanation as to where I was at

 

I am sorry that I have spied on you and not given you thetrust and respect that you so deserve

 

I am sorry that I defiled my mind with pornography and for atime, loved it more than you

 

I am sorry that I was not there for you day in and day out,I focused on my job and not you

 

I am sorry for the poor decisions I have made with our moneyand that I have not been able to provide for you like a good husband should

 

[Rebuilding Trust]

Waiting for some input on my apology letter....

 

Yesterday was a very good day, had dinner with the wife and kids. My wife made a comment to me while I was rubbing her feet last night that she felf a little guilty becauase I have been being so sweet and doing so much for her lately. I just told her not to feel guilty, that I was here to serve her and I had a lot of making up to do...

 

Started the process of helping my mom sell her mobile home so she could move into something more affordable for herself and that I can move on to my own place. Pray the we will find a buyer quickly. I may go ahead and move out sooner that it sells, I have worked it out so that I can continue to help her out financially and still make it myself and continuing to help my wife and kids out as well...

 

My daughter's Ballet recital is this weekens and we are planning a BBQ in the park with some friends for both Friday and Saturday evenings (Friday is dress rehearsal and Saturday is real thing). Next weekend is my God son's baby shower and we are doing all the catering for a picnic in the park and are expecting about 75 people - lots to prepare for but loving it....

 

Am so thankful that my wife and I are getting along well enough to plan and do these things together...

[Lots of work to do]

pk0321,

 

You're doing great!

 

As for the apology letter, don't start each sentence off with "I'm sorry ...." then stating what you're sorry for. There is more to acknowledge then this; you also need to address your wife's feelings without telling her HOW SHE FELT because telling her how you made her feel puts you inside her head KNOWING how she felt. This is impossible for you to do and is another form of abuse.

 

Go to the section for verbal apology. I believe there are several written apologies there as well. You can also scan through my thread to find my apology letter. I think there are three posts of the letter before it was finally ready to be sent. You will see my first one, which was all me, some recommended changes and the final one.

 

Keep serving with no expectations as did Jesus when He went to the cross. Remember, He died for us FIRST and as a result we now love Him. Keep thanking God that your wife is willing to give you time to see your changes and ask Him to show you what you need to change. Don't worry that your wife is not engaging with the ministry, if you're doing what you need to do she won't need to. It will probably be helpful if she does but it is not necessary for you to work towards an Outrageously Happy Marriage.

 

At any point in time, should your wife do something that upsets or irritates you step back, take a breath and ask God, "What did I do to get her to react this way, what do I need to change?"

 

As you know from what you've read your wife is a mirror of you, what you see is what you do. Go to the profile section by clicking your name in the top right corner and under the signature section list the books you've read, or are currently reading, so the moderators and helpers have a better idea of what you're doing on your own to further your growth. This will act as a guide.

 

May God bless you, and give you victory, as you pursue your wife's heart.

Ira

[J_W]

Ira is right -- and the link to find some apologies (including his) is found at:

 

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/244-great-verbal-apology-written-apology-is-also-here/ please read it through to the end and then come back and try again.

 

one example of how to change it:

FROM:

"I am sorry that I have treated you like a servant and not myco-pilot, my lover and my friend"

 

You should have been treated by me like you were my lover, teammate and friend, and instead I treated you like you were my servant. IT is me who should be serving and adoring you. I am sorry for making you feel like you were inferior to me.

 

It is wonderful that you and your wife are getting closer as she is responding to you changing.

 

prayerfully,

June of

[Lots of work to do]

pk,

 

I like June's example except for:

 

I am sorry for making you feel like you were inferior to me.

I would change it to:

 

I imagine I made you feel as though you were inferior to me.

 

In the first sentence you're telling her how she felt when you don't REALLY know how she felt.

 

In the second sentence you're showing her that you're trying to understand how you may have made her feel while at the same time giving her the opportunity to acknowledge and share with you how she felt.

 

Just the way I see it.

 

Ira

Edited June 2, 2011 by Lots of work to do

[Rebuilding Trust]

Continuing to work on my apology letter - please continue to provide feedback.....

To the loveof my life,

 

I know justsaying that I’m sorry is so inadequate in itself. If I do not show you throughmy actions in everyday life that I have changed, my words mean nothing. My hopeis that you have already started to see these changes in me and that my actionsreinforce the words I am trying to say.

 

For over 20years you have sought a dream to live “happily ever after”. You expected tohave my undivided attention and to be loved, honored and cherished for the restof your life. You wanted to be a mother and raise your children with adedicated and devoted father who would love you and provide safety andsecurity. A man who would fight for you. A man who “looked out for you” withevery fiber of his being – without being asked. You wanted a husband who wouldsubmit to you so you in turn could submit to him. A man bonded to you soclosely that you wouldn’t know where you ended and he began. As you painfully know – I have not been thatman.

 

My heart broke for you when you confided in methe other day that you did not want to become involved in the Christianmarriage counseling program that I am in because God had previously notanswered your prayers to save our marriage and that you couldn’t find thestrength to go through that again. Honey, I understand from the bottom of myheart how that must have made you feel. But honey, that was not God’s fault, itis 100% my fault. God gave each of us free will and will not make any of us doanything that would take away our free will. Maybe, God’s answer was giving youthe strength to leave me and to stand up to me and be honest. Maybe that iswhat I needed, because honey, it worked!

 

I AM SORRY HONEY

You should have been treated by me like you were my lover, teammate andfriend, and instead I treated you like you were my servant. It is me who shouldbe serving and adoring you. I imagine I made you feel as though you wereinferior to me.

 

I am so sorry for so many things, but mostly for being so self centeredand self absorbed that I never gave you the attention and affection that you sodesperately needed and deserved. I should have been a better man, a godly manthat treated you like the princess that you are. I should have never been angry or cross with you. Ididn’t trust you, your knowledge and wisdom are amazing, yet I always had to doit my way and never appreciated you.

 

Not only didI fail you and shatter your dreams of marriage, I failed to provide simplethings that were the most important to you – to be loved unconditionally.Instead of doing that, I hurt you in the following ways:

 

 

· You were treated insensitively when you got sick;I blamed you, like it was somehow your fault. This must have really hurt youand made you feel like a burden to me;

 

· Things that you needed help with around thehouse were met with procrastination instead of me seeing these things as waysto bless and honor you which probably made you feel as though I didn’t careabout you;

 

· There is not one time that I can think of that Idid something around the house, that I knew needed to be done (vacuuming or taking out the trash) withoutyou having to ask me, several times usually, which probably made you feeloverburdened and uncared for;

 

· You weremade to feel rejected when I put my computer and work stuff ahead of you;

 

· You never felt able to settle in and make a homesince I never gave you the freedom with money to be able to fix it up whichprobably made you feel unwanted and unappreciated as all you wanted to do wasmake the house we lived in a home for our family;

 

· I failed to initiate life into our marriage bybecoming content and not continuing to court and date you and enjoy yourwonderful laugh everyday which made you feel unloved and bored;

 

· I didn’t stand up for you with my family,instead I fueled the fire and made you look bad which made you feel like I wasbetraying you;

 

· Our problems were always blamed on you. If youwere not working, it was your fault we were broke all the time. If you wereworking, it was your fault the house was falling apart. Rather than takeresponsibility for my shortcomings, I shifted the blame to you which I’m suremade you feel extremely frustrated and hurt

 

All I can do is apologize for these things and countlessother things not listed hear that have caused you the pain you feel. It was notmy intention, nor did I purposefully want to bring you this much pain. Thesewere simply actions of a self-centered, immature man; a man who needed to growup and recognize that he is not an island; a man who is now painfully aware ofthe things he did to hurt his bride, the love of his life and regrets them tothe core of his being.

 

So this is my new covenant to you. In addition to correctingall of the things that I have done to hurt you with in the past, I will honoryou going forward by serving you as my bridesmaid, by providing for our familyand by cherishing every moment of the rest of our live.

 

I promise to:

- die to myself daily so that I can serve and honor you

- stand beside you and always be there for you

- speak encouraging words to you and about you

- to listen and be silent when you speak

- respect your decisions, hold you up and defend you

- to comfort, confide in you and love you

- to be kind, slow to anger, and think before I speak

- to be truthful at all times and be understanding

- to put you first, love and adore you

- rely on God for strength and direction always

 

I cannot undo the past, but I can change the future. You are the most beautiful women (both insideand out) that I know or will ever know and you make me feel so lucky. I promise to love you and to work for the restof my life to bring healing for the sins that I have made against you and God.

 

[desertrose]

All I can do is apologize for these things and countlessother things not listed hear that have caused you the pain you feel. It was notmy intention, nor did I purposefully want to bring you this much pain.

 

I would strike these two lines. The first sounds like you are not willing to do the work that will need to be done to heal her heart. Words will mean little to her heart without actions. It is I am sorry and I am going to do whatever it takes to make it right again...and then you start doing it. The second line does not affirm her pain but kind of has a way of letting yourself off the hook. It is like slapping someone and then saying you weren't trying to hurt them. It does not affirm the pain but diminishes it. The truth is that you weren't concerned with hurting her because you were too focused on your own comfort and needs to notice the pain and needs of your wife.

 

The helpers will chime in on the rest of the letter. Those two lines just stuck out to me as a hurting wife. Overall a good letter. Reading some of your other posts I also see that you might need to address tha pain you caused your wife by putting your family above her and bad mouthing your beautiful bride to them.

Edited June 4, 2011 by desertrose

[Rebuilding Trust]

This morning, moving back in was talked about and looks like it is possible in the next 30-60 days. Please pray for me that I can stay strong and continue to put her first and not make this about me. I know I just need to keep diing to myself and keep putting her first and this will all work out. One step closer to an OHM. I am so thankful for this ministry and how it has opened my eyes and given me the tools I need to be a godly husband. My prayer is that she will open up her heart and get involved in this ministry with me so that we can continue to grow in love and obtain an Outrageously Happy Marriage that is pleasing to God...

[Rebuilding Trust]

Just checking in. I have been listening to the recorded calls and the live calls as well as reading....

[J_W]

What are you DOing to bless your bride?

 

have you re-done your apology so that it does not sound defensive? and does it include your plan to make it up to her instead of saying "all I can do is..."

 

 

faith without WORKS is dead -- so, it is time to BE cherishing your bride, honoring her, owning up to what you've done, LISTENing to her and VALIDATING her pain

 

glad you are on the calls.

 

 

prayerfully,

June of

[Rebuilding Trust]

My wife really got scared this last week and pushed way back.

 

 

 

I got off work on Friday, was looking forward to coming over as I have been every Friday and she let me know that she had friends over and that I needed to

 

make other plans. I wanted to give her space, so I agreed to take my daughter to her friends and my son to a movie. When I got there, my daughter was in

 

tears because she felt trapped in her room because of the company. Grant it that she was also tired and emotional because she didn't have any clean clothes

 

to pack but she had to stay in her room to stay out of their way. This greatly disturbed me because my wife was being very selfish and it was affecting the

 

kids. We scrambled, did a quick load of laundry and then went on a walk to stay out of the house for a bit. We then got everything together and we all moved

 

on to get out of everyones way.

 

 

 

Let me say also that I do not like these friends, they are people that my wife works with. It is very funny to me that she is suddenly friends with them

 

because in the past, she called them low lives and immature. Well, I guess last week, they became homeless. They also stayed over one night last week but it

 

was on a night that the kids were with me and it was discussed ahead of time. I'm not at all happy with her choosing to spend time with them over me but I

 

also realize that I need to give her space to heal and that she has the right to have whoever she wants over at her house. I should also note that for some

 

reason the guy (friends are a guy and gal who are not married - guy is 26 and gal is 39) does not like me at all (accused me previously of starring at his

 

girlfried) and has threatened to kick my butt several times. Let me clarify that I was only starring at his girlfriend because she is very very skinny and

 

looks like a tweaker and not pretty at all. But even then, I don't feel like I was starring - he is very jealous and has similar issues with most guys.

 

So then Saturday came. I woke up and really wanted to call my wife but I decided I was going to wait for her to call me, so instead I went on a long walk all

 

the time hoping that she would text me to come over (note: she works at night to early morning so I knew she would be sleeping until about noon). So I made

 

the best of the time I had to myself and walked while listening to some of the previously recorded conference calls. I waited, and waited and waited. Finally

 

at 3pm I drove by there and saw that her friends jeep was still there. I decided to text her and ask her if she was up and about. She informed me that they

 

were still there via a text. I could not believe it and they were staying another night. Fortunately my daughter (12) was staying the whole weekend with our

 

friends out on the ranch so this did not affect her this time. This threw me for a tail spin. I felt so rejected.

 

 

 

Immediately following the text about them being there and staying another night, she text me that she missed me. My thought was "yeah right, then why are you

 

choosing them over me". I had my son's cell phone in my truck, so instead of texting her back that I missed her too (missed opportunity to bless her), I

 

texted her to have my son meet me outside so he could get his phone. He came outside and I talked to him for a minute, hoping she would come out to say hi,

 

but she didn't and then I left. I went back to my place and fell asleep. Then about 5pm, she texed me and I did not hear it so she called. By the time I woke

 

up, it went to voice mail. By the time I could listen to the voice mail, she called back. My daughter had called her and informed her that she did not want

 

to stay another night and needed a ride home. So the call, which when I saw it ringing was thinking cool, she changed her mind and wanted to spend some time

 

with me, but nope, instead she wanted me to go rescue my daughter and have her stay the night with me. Needless to say, I was really struggling at this point

 

but I pulled it together and nicely agreed to go get her. My daughter and I ended up really enjoying our night together, we ended up meeting a friend at a

 

park with his three girls and they all played together for hours while he and I visitied.

 

 

 

Later that night, I could not sleep because my mind was going crazy. I knew I was going to see her on Sunday morning so I wanted to get some advice so I was

 

determinded to get on the conference call to get some advice. They confirmed what I already knew, but was fighting, in that I needed to give her the space

 

she needed and die to the feelings I was experiencing. She is hurt and needs to be able to heal and process her own emotions in her own way. She has 20 years

 

of abuse and change takes time. Instead, I need to back off and bless her with the space she needed. I did need to try to address the issue with my daughter

 

from Friday night and I did need to apologize for my actions (she felt my frustration and insecurities) and ask her to forgive me. I was so blessed that the

 

conference call ran late and I was able to get on. It is hard to die to yourself so that you can put your wife first place when your emotions are running crazy.

 

 

 

So on Sunday, we got to talk. It was very hard to keep my emotions in check, but I did pretty good. We discussed what happened with my daughter on Friday

 

night and agreed that in the future, she would make prior arrangements to have her stay with me or a friend on the nights that she will have those friends

 

over. I also explained to her how it made me feel that she did not contact me on Saturday to let me know they were staying another night and that I was left

 

kind of hanging waiting for her to get up so we could spend some time together. She admitted that she should have let me know earlier and agreed going

 

forward to communicate better. I also told her that I appreciated her heart to help others (her and I have always been that way) but I warned her to not let

 

them take advantage of her. She informed me at this point that she had already fed them several meals and that she had spend way too much money and that she

 

needed to put down some boundaries.

 

 

 

She then opened up a little bit and let me know that she got scared and felt a need to gain back some independance because we were getting too close again

 

and she was scared to let me back in. She said one of the major reasons she chose to move out was that she felt like she had no independace aprt from me.

 

That in our marriage, she counted on me for everything and that she felt trapped. She said that she LOVES ME very much. I asked if she LOVED ME or was in

 

love with me. She said that I knew after the seperation that she LOVED ME but was not IN LOVE with me anymore but that she was begining to have those

 

feelings of falling into LOVE again these days and that it scares her so she pulls back. She let me know that I needed to be patient with her and that it

 

would probably happen from time to time.

 

 

 

Then to my suprise, she let me know that they were gonna stay one more night. We made plans to get together on Tuesday night. She said that I can continue to

 

stay with her at her place as much as I want, but that I needed to give her space when she needed it and that she would let me know and be more considerate

 

in the future with the timing and planning when possible. We both agreed that at this time, she did not want to make it official that we were moving back in

 

together. She wants to be 100% sure and not rush it just because I was there anyways most of the time, she wants to continue to heal and learn to trust me

 

again so that there are no regrets later. I'm ok with that and understand. I am commited to gaining back her trust, blessing her daily, and healing her

 

heart....

 

 

 

So when I left her on Sunday, I didn't expect to hear from her again until Tuesday. But a couple of hours later, she texted me and wanted to know if I wanted to go on a walk with her. So we met up and spent several more hours together walking with the dogs and enjoying each others company. Later that night, my daughter and I came over and went swimming while her friends ran some errands.

 

Today, she suprised me again and called me to see if I wanted to have lunch with her on my lunch hour. I am feeling so blessed that she is finding it in her heart to give me the time of day. In light of 20 years of abuse, I'm not sure I would do the same in her shoes. She is my everything....

 

I'm sure I'm leaving some important details out but felt like I wanted to post this to get it off my mind and be completely transparent...

 

 

 

 

[Cmarie & H.E.R.O.]

Hey just noted one thing here:

 

I also explained to her how it made me feel that she did not contact me on Saturday to let me know they were staying another night and that I was left

 

kind of hanging waiting for her to get up so we could spend some time together.

 

Telling your wife how SHE made YOU feel isn't right, she isn't made to carry the weight of your emotions. You initiate, she responds. If your emotions RESPOND to her actions that makes YOU the wife in the relationship. Dont be the wife, be the man. Youre feelings may be very strong, but its not right to put them on your wife. Many helpers lovingly call it -ing on your wife.

 

My little bit of input.

 

Blessings,

Cmarie

[Pure in Heart]

She said that she LOVES ME very much. I asked if she LOVED ME or was in

 

love with me. She said that I knew after the separation that she LOVED ME but was not IN LOVE with me anymore but that she was beginning to have those

 

feelings of falling into LOVE again these days and that it scares her so she pulls back. She let me know that I needed to be patient with her and that it

 

pk,

 

I am glad that you had this opportunity to talk with her. Wow that conversation seemed to go better than expected. I am glad you were humble and transparent with her. It is my heart that you keep this MOMENTUM going by continuing to FOCUS only on her what her heart needs.

 

One is those NEEDS is apparently, that she NEEDS to be her OWN person. That you love and appreciate her differences and the beautiful PERSON SHE IS. To SEE this about her and give her the the dignity and respect of being WHO she is at all times. When your attitude is ACCEPTING of her she will feel loved by that. You will prove that she is certainly ACCEPTED in her Beloved. You are that picture to her of Christ. That Christ loves everything about her. You ARE her only picture of who Jesus is to her. You are a picture of Christ's love toward her. That you are not washing over her with control and hemming her in but washing her with the liberty and freedom Christ has purchased for her.

 

In the past, you have tried to keep her under your thumb. You decided what she should like or dislike, her opinions, her choices and decisions were criticized and the measuring line she had to live up to you was YOURS. You most likely made her feel unimportant, insignificant and as if she were not even there. She needs you to be in LOVE with ALL of her and finding great joy in

I want to plead with you NOT to pressure her with questions about how she feels about you.That is about YOU and your emotional state. I need you to get this. She is not created by God to take care of your emotions and needs. Your needs suck the life out of her to make you feel better or whole instead of you pouring life and love INTO her.

 

Her love for you is NOT what strengthens you or makes you mature. It is that you are the SOURCE for her. When a man looks to his wife to prop him up emotionally then you are being the responder in the marriage and this makes her feel burdened down to take care of your feelings.

 

She may not even know why she is feeling this but she it is like a weight of responsibility you throw over her.

 

Does it really matter, if she loves you or not? I am talking from a place of understanding the truth and not so much your feelings. Did Jesus go to the Cross when you loved Him? NO., Jesus made a decision to die for you because HE loved you not because you loved Him.

 

A Christ-like man is other focused. A GIVER at all times. He is concerned about pouring out life and strength TO HER. You get this from your HEAD who is Jesus. Go to Him and ask HIM to pour into you. He cares for you. 1 Corinthian 11:3 reinforces God's call to you to be the HEAD (kephale). For God is the head of Christ and Christ is the head of the man and the man is the head of the wife. That is clearly in the context of being a SOURCE and SUPPLIER of everything you need from Christ and what your wife needs from you.

 

God is wanting you to be the MAN He created you to be. What does that mean? That means God's idea of being a MAN or masculine will look and act like Jesus Christ. That is God's purpose for you.

 

You have been taught that WRONG thinking on what a man is supposed to behave like. You have been taught that your emotions and feelings are to be dealt with the SAME as your wife's. That you came int a marriage with certain and the same expectations a wife had of you. It is not the same. God has a pathway to getting your needs met. It is dying to your needs to meet her needs and YOU end up getting a response from her heart. That response from her as created by God in making her your mirror is exactly what you have always needed. Being Christ-like and being a MAN is your deepest, deepest NEED. It is only that no one ever told you this before. And so you have been felt trapped and confused. But no more. Now, God is giving you the truth of how he defines your manliness. Growing in Christian maturity is first understanding what constitutes TRUTH according to God';s call for you as a husband. Inside your spirit KNOWS this is true. Your spirit says, YES, this makes sense God!!!

It is NOT less or more than it is just DIFFERENT. The way you grow emotionally and spiritually stronger is to be the one who takes care of her emotional needs and when you DO this you will find your NEEDS are met. You have NOT been taught that to become a MAN, that you lay your life down) wants needs and desires) down to go FIRST and FIRST meet her needs. By this one paradigm switch in your mind will set you FREE.

 

It is not that your feelings or desires are unimportant it is, HOW does God accomplish this in a man's life versus in a woman's life.

 

It is withing the framework of marriage that God delineates clearly HOW this happens. It is a beautiful picture of a Bride and a Bridegroom. It is a picture of Salvation.

 

God so loved His Bride and provided her with EVERYTHING she would ever need. The Bride could not give that for God. The Bride could not die for God. She needed love GIVEN to her so that in the responding to that love or receiving all of her inheritance in Christ she will be filled up with every good and perfect and beautiful grace and gift. From this strength and life from God she would mature and grow and blossom.

 

Kimberly

Edited June 14, 2011 by Pure in Heart

[Pure in Heart]

To the love

of my life,

 

To the love of my life, HER NAME.

 

Just saying I’m sorry is so inadequate in itself. If I do not show you through my actions in everyday life that I have changed, my words mean nothing. My hope is that you have already started to see these changes in me and that my actions reinforce the words I am trying to say.

 

To try and articulate how sorry I am is so inadequate. Words will always be only words until I follow through with sincere actions that prove I am committed to change.

 

It broke my heart when you told me the other day that you didnot want to become involved in the Christian marriage counseling program that Iam in because God had previously not answered your prayers to save ourmarriage. Honey, I understand from the bottom of my heart how that must havemade you feel. But honey, that was not God’s fault, it is 100% my fault. Godgave each of us free will and will not make any of us do anything that wouldtake away our free will. Maybe, God’s answer was giving you the strength toleave me and to stand up to me and be honest. Maybe that is what I needed,because honey, it worked!

 

I AM SORRY HONEY

 

Just saying, "I am sorry" is so inadequate in itself. If I do not show you through my actions in everyday life that I have changed, my words mean nothing. My hope is that you will see changes in me and that my actions reinforce the words I am trying to say.

 

Sweetheart, your hope in God was broken and shattered because of me. It is and has been my fault for not loving you as Christ loves you. My abusive actions are the cause of your feeling like your trust in the Lord is shaken. It is directly because of me. When a wife is not loved, the way God wants you to feel loved, then she will always KNOW it in her emotions. I have learned that a wife's heart is created by God to respond to both my good and ungodly behavior. Your heart has been perfectly responding. You were never made to feel guilty and ashamed for just having needs. You have been wronged in ways that breaks God's heart. His will is for you to be cherished, nourished, nurtured and loved.

 

You have, in truth always been the one who has had the solid relationship with God. You have always known in your heart what a marriage should be. I should have listened to your heart and I did not. You knew long before I found this Minsitry what being a Christ-like man should act like. It is because God is answering your prayers that I found this Ministry that calls men to walk the talk. I am forever grateful to you for your strong faith and love for the Lord. They call men to act like the Christian they claim to be. Because of your faith and prayers, I am finally seeing my failures in my relationship with Jesus and how I wounded you so deeply. You are wise because you see and saw clearly my hypocrisy. It is no surprise that you felt unloved and rejected by me. That is my moral failure to repent of. I have learned that it is I who God holds responsible for the condition of the marriage and your well-being. God’s answer was giving you the strength to leave me and to stand up to me. You are the one all along who understood that God did not want you to ever take abuse or be unloved. You are worthy to be loved with a love willing to die for you. God expects no less from a husband than this.

 

I am sosorry for so many things, but mostly for being so self centered and selfabsorbed that I never gave you’re this attention and affection that you sodesperately needed. You had big dreams of what marriage would be like and Ishattered those dreams over and over for you.

 

I’m sorrythat I wasn’t a better man, a godly man that treated you like the princess thatyou are.

 

You had a dream of a marriage that every little girl dreams of. You had big dreams of what marriage would be like and I shattered those dreams over and over again. You have every right to feel like the princess and daughter of God you are. He put that very desire in your heart. When I first laid eyes on you, I knew you were the woman I would always adore. You did nothing to change that. You, instead are wounded and broken because of my selfishness. You needed a man who would keep his promises to love, honor and cherish you all of your life. I have not been that man I promised you I would be.

 

Your need for attention and affection was dismissed by me. You have been effected by that and you must have felt utterly alone and forsaken by me. I am sorry for all the times you tried to tell me this and your heart was ignored. I am sorry your heart was ever made to ache and long for love. You are righteous in feeling this pain. God gave you the right to have your desires met.

 

I am sorry that I have treated you like a servant and not myco-pilot, my lover and my friend

 

You have been regarded by me as if you were some kind of servant, only there to meet my selfish demands, so I could get my own way. I have been so, so wrong. You are not something I am entitled to. You are worthy of being honored and put first in my life and heart. You are my lover, my friend and my wife. You are a gift to me from God and my favor from Him. I have been clueless and so hurtful to you. I commit to making up to you all the pain I have caused you. No matter how long it takes I will not give up on loving you the way you have been created to love.

 

I’m sorry for every moment that I was angry or cross with you, when really; I was mad and disgusted at myself, not you.

 

You have been abused and hurt by my anger. I am sorry for every moment you endured my control and intimidation. You have every right to voice your hurt and pain to me. You were not listened to or respected and this hurt you deeply.

 

I am sorry that I always question you and don’t trust you,your knowledge and abilities

 

You were constantly questioned by me. To add even more pain, when you tried to point this out to me, I would defend and argue with you. Your feelings were completely disregarded. You are to be appreciated and respected and have every right to express your opinion and insight. This has been dishonoring to you throughout our marriage. I am so sorry for this. I commit to listening to you and to give you the consideration to always hear your ideas and to defer to you.

 

I am sorry that I called you lazy to my friends and familyand did not respect you for who you are/were

 

My deep regret is that I called you names and called you lazy to others, including my family. Name-calling for any reason is one of the worst forms of abuse there is. You were completely destroyed by my words. My words have cut through you like a knife. You have been lied about in my characterizations of you. Nothing could be further from the truth about you. You must have felt helpless to defend your own person and heart. You should never have felt the sting of your own husband putting you down. You should have only felt secure and safe with me, knowing beyond any doubt of my admiration of you. I am so sorry for trying to make you look bad just because I had to make sure I would look good.

 

I am sorry that I have always blamed you for our financial troubles when in fact, I kept the finances from you and spent money we didn’t have over and over again letting you think everything was ok

 

You have been blamed for the financial troubles when it is in fact me who kept the finances from you. It is me who spent monies we did not have. My selfishness and financial abuse agaisnt you has caused you to feel uncertain by having no say in anything. You have the right to complete access and decision making over our finances. I caused you to feel like some child instead of an adult woman who has every right to financial security in our marriage.

 

I am sorry that I would go off and leave you stranded, attimes without food, a phone, a car or even an explanation as to where I was at

 

To abandon and reject my own wife has so ravaged your spirit and emotions, I can not even imagine how this has effected you. This behavior on my part has only served to reinforce all the reasons you felt you had to get away from me. To be left destitute and desperate in your emotions was completely ungodly of me to do to you. Your heart will need so much healing and I pray I would be able to make up to you all the damage I have done.

 

I am sorry that I have spied on you and not given you the trust and respect that you so deserve

 

I am better informed and understand now that I abused you by stalking you. Your heart as a wife should have been believed and completely trusted. You have never given me any reason to mistrust to. You have always possessed a faithful and pure heart. I see this about you. Your heart is grieved by my actions of mistrust agaisnt you. I always made you feel like you had to take care of my feelings like I was a child. That loving you should have meant I absolutely knew the kind of beautiful person you are instead of thinking only about my insecurities. That is NOT being a man. I am sorry and will always believe in you.

 

I am sorry that I defiled my mind with pornography and for atime, loved it more than you

 

Being sorry for my pornography addiction is not something a simple apology will ever, ever be sufficient to bring healing to your heart. This healing will take time and rebuilding trust. I have cut your very core and inner being to shreds. I have made you question your very worth and value as a woman. I have broken and crushed your spirit and heart. Everything that is holy and sacred about marriage, I have destroyed in you. I robbed your significance and tried to destroy everything that makes you feel feminine. I am forever sorry for ever committing adultery in my heart against you instead of gazing only upon my perfect Bride. I repent before you and promise to starve my eyes and make a covenant with God to not look at any vile thing.

 

I am sorry that I was not there for you day in and day out,I focused on my job and not you

 

As a wife feeling loved means that no one or anything should ever have more importance than you. You are the only one that should fill up my attention and focus. You should have had first place in my thoughts, in my heart and with my time. You need a husband who wants to be with you more than anything else. You must have felt that you were last place in heart. I am so sorry for this. Nothing compares to being with you, my darling. I want to be the kind of husband that makes you know and feel your company blesses and thrills me.

I realize, my love that this apology letter is only the beginning steps of acknowledging my sin and wrong against you. I commit to following Christ Jesus and becoming the man I am meant to be. I long to be a Christ-like husband and love you the way God has said to love you. In my turning aside from God, you have been the one to bear the wounds of my sinfulness. Your heart must have felt a desperation no words could ever express. For the years that I ruined, I commit to bringing the healing love of God to your heart. For the ways I never pursued your heart and did not initiate being a giver and lover, as a husband is called to, I offer this apology.

Edited June 14, 2011 by Pure in Heart
typos

[Rebuilding Trust]

Hey just noted one thing here:

 

 

 

Telling your wife how SHE made YOU feel isn't right, she isn't made to carry the weight of your emotions. You initiate, she responds. If your emotions RESPOND to her actions that makes YOU the wife in the relationship. Dont be the wife, be the man. Youre feelings may be very strong, but its not right to put them on your wife. Many helpers lovingly call it -ing on your wife.

 

My little bit of input.

 

Blessings,

Cmarie

 

 

 

Thank you for the input. You are right, it is not about how I feel, it is all about her....