Ready to be the Man of my womans dreams

[Pure in Heart]

pk,

 

Posting at the same time. Go back to my posts to you.

 

I reworked your apology letter.

 

Kimberly

Edited June 14, 2011 by Pure in Heart

[Rebuilding Trust]

To the love of my life,________,

 

To try and articulate how sorry I am is so inadequate. Words will always be only words until I follow through with sincere actions that prove I am committed to change.

 

Just saying, "I am sorry" is so inadequate in itself. If I do not show you through my actions in everyday life that I have changed, my words mean nothing. My hope is that you will see changes in me and that my actions reinforce the words I am trying to say.

 

Sweetheart, your hope in God was broken and shattered because of me. It is and has been my fault for not loving you as Christ loves you. My abusive actions are the cause of your feeling like your trust in the Lord is shaken. It is directly because of me. When a wife is not loved, the way God wants you to feel loved, then she will always KNOW it in her emotions. I have learned that a wife's heart is created by God to respond to both my good and ungodly behavior. Your heart has been perfectly responding. You were never made to feel guilty and ashamed for just having needs. You have been wronged in ways that breaks God's heart. His will is for you to be cherished, nourished, nurtured and loved.

 

You have, in truth always been the one who has had the solid relationship with God. You have always known in your heart what a marriage should be. I should have listened to your heart and I did not. You knew long before I found this Minsitry what being a Christ-like man should act like. It is because God is answering your prayers that I found this Ministry that calls men to walk the talk. I am forever grateful to you for your strong faith and love for the Lord. They call men to act like the Christian they claim to be. Because of your faith and prayers, I am finally seeing my failures in my relationship with Jesus and how I wounded you so deeply. You are wise because you see and saw clearly my hypocrisy. It is no surprise that you felt unloved and rejected by me. That is my moral failure to repent of. I have learned that it is I who God holds responsible for the condition of the marriage and your well-being. God’s answer was giving you the strength to leave me and to stand up to me. You are the one all along who understood that God did not want you to ever take abuse or be unloved. You are worthy to be loved with a love willing to die for you. God expects no less from a husband than this.

 

You had a dream of a marriage that every little girl dreams of. You had big dreams of what marriage would be like and I shattered those dreams over and over again. You have every right to feel like the princess and daughter of God you are. He put that very desire in your heart. When I first laid eyes on you, I knew you were the woman I would always adore. You did nothing to change that. You, instead are wounded and broken because of my selfishness. You needed a man who would keep his promises to love, honor and cherish you all of your life. I have not been that man I promised you I would be.

 

Your need for attention and affection was dismissed by me. You have been effected by that and you must have felt utterly alone and forsaken by me. I am sorry for all the times you tried to tell me this and your heart was ignored. I am sorry your heart was ever made to ache and long for love. You are righteous in feeling this pain. God gave you the right to have your desires met.

 

You have been regarded by me as if you were some kind of servant, only there to meet my selfish demands, so I could get my own way. I have been so, so wrong. You are not something I am entitled to. You are worthy of being honored and put first in my life and heart. You are my lover, my friend and my wife. You are a gift to me from God and my favor from Him. I have been clueless and so hurtful to you. I commit to making up to you all the pain I have caused you. No matter how long it takes I will not give up on loving you the way you have been created to be loved.

 

You have been abused and hurt by my anger. I am sorry for every moment you endured my control and intimidation. You have every right to voice your hurt and pain to me. You were not listened to or respected and this hurt you deeply.

 

You were constantly questioned by me. To add even more pain, when you tried to point this out to me, I would defend and argue with you. Your feelings were completely disregarded. You are to be appreciated and respected and have every right to express your opinion and insight. This has been dishonoring to you throughout our marriage. I am so sorry for this. I commit to listening to you and to give you the consideration to always hear your ideas and to defer to you.

 

My deep regret is that I called you names and called you lazy to others, including my family. Name-calling for any reason is one of the worst forms of abuse there is. You were completely destroyed by my words. My words have cut through you like a knife. You have been lied about in my characterizations of you. Nothing could be further from the truth about you. You must have felt helpless to defend your own person and heart. You should never have felt the sting of your own husband putting you down. You should have only felt secure and safe with me, knowing beyond any doubt of my admiration of you. I am so sorry for trying to make you look bad just because I had to make sure I would look good.

 

You have been blamed for the financial troubles when it is in fact me who kept the finances from you. It is me who spent monies we did not have. My selfishness and financial abuse agaisnt you has caused you to feel uncertain by having no say in anything. You have the right to complete access and decision making over our finances. I caused you to feel like some child instead of an adult woman who has every right to financial security in our marriage.

 

To abandon and reject my own wife has so ravaged your spirit and emotions, I can not even imagine how this has effected you. This behavior on my part has only served to reinforce all the reasons you felt you had to get away from me. To be left destitute and desperate in your emotions was completely ungodly of me to do to you. Your heart will need so much healing and I pray I would be able to make up to you all the damage I have done.

 

I am better informed and understand now that I abused you by stalking you. Your heart as a wife should have been believed and completely trusted. You have never given me any reason to mistrust to. You have always possessed a faithful and pure heart. I see this about you. Your heart is grieved by my actions of mistrust agaisnt you. I always made you feel like you had to take care of my feelings like I was a child. That loving you should have meant I absolutely knew the kind of beautiful person you are instead of thinking only about my insecurities. That is NOT being a man. I am sorry and will always believe in you.

 

Being sorry for my pornography addiction is not something a simple apology will ever, ever be sufficient to bring healing to your heart. This healing will take time and rebuilding trust. I have cut your very core and inner being to shreds. I have made you question your very worth and value as a woman. I have broken and crushed your spirit and heart. Everything that is holy and sacred about marriage, I have destroyed in you. I robbed your significance and tried to destroy everything that makes you feel feminine. I am forever sorry for ever committing adultery in my heart against you instead of gazing only upon my perfect Bride. I repent before you and promise to starve my eyes and make a covenant with God to not look at any vile thing.

 

As a wife feeling loved means that no one or anything should ever have more importance than you. You are the only one that should fill up my attention and focus. You should have had first place in my thoughts, in my heart and with my time. You need a husband who wants to be with you more than anything else. You must have felt that you were last place in heart. I am so sorry for this. Nothing compares to being with you, my darling. I want to be the kind of husband that makes you know and feel your company blesses and thrills me.

 

I realize, my love that this apology letter is only the beginning steps of acknowledging my sin and wrong against you. I commit to following Christ Jesus and becoming the man I am meant to be. I long to be a Christ-like husband and love you the way God has said to love you. In my turning aside from God, you have been the one to bear the wounds of my sinfulness. Your heart must have felt a desperation no words could ever express. For the years that I ruined, I commit to bringing the healing love of God to your heart. For the ways I never pursued your heart and did not initiate being a giver and lover, as a husband is called to, I offer this apology.

 

All my love always,

 

_________________

 

Wow, thanks for much Pure in Heart, this really helps me be able to move forward with my apology letter. Also, thanks again for your help Saturday night. May God bless you for all you do here on the forum and the calls....

Edited June 14, 2011 by Pure in Heart
changes/typos

[Rebuilding Trust]

This morning I left flowers and my apology letter for her tucked away in her room where the kids would not see. Hope she is blessed by this....

[Rebuilding Trust]

My wife really got scared this last week and pushed way back.

 

 

 

I got off work on Friday, was looking forward to coming over as I have been every Friday and she let me know that she had friends over and that I needed to

 

make other plans. I wanted to give her space, so I agreed to take my daughter to her friends and my son to a movie. When I got there, my daughter was in

 

tears because she felt trapped in her room because of the company. Grant it that she was also tired and emotional because she didn't have any clean clothes

 

to pack but she had to stay in her room to stay out of their way. This greatly disturbed me because my wife was being very selfish and it was affecting the

 

kids. We scrambled, did a quick load of laundry and then went on a walk to stay out of the house for a bit. We then got everything together and we all moved

 

on to get out of everyones way.

 

 

 

Let me say also that I do not like these friends, they are people that my wife works with. It is very funny to me that she is suddenly friends with them

 

because in the past, she called them low lives and immature. Well, I guess last week, they became homeless. They also stayed over one night last week but it

 

was on a night that the kids were with me and it was discussed ahead of time. I'm not at all happy with her choosing to spend time with them over me but I

 

also realize that I need to give her space to heal and that she has the right to have whoever she wants over at her house. I should also note that for some

 

reason the guy (friends are a guy and gal who are not married - guy is 26 and gal is 39) does not like me at all (accused me previously of starring at his

 

girlfried) and has threatened to kick my butt several times. Let me clarify that I was only starring at his girlfriend because she is very very skinny and

 

looks like a tweaker and not pretty at all. But even then, I don't feel like I was starring - he is very jealous and has similar issues with most guys.

 

So then Saturday came. I woke up and really wanted to call my wife but I decided I was going to wait for her to call me, so instead I went on a long walk all

 

the time hoping that she would text me to come over (note: she works at night to early morning so I knew she would be sleeping until about noon). So I made

 

the best of the time I had to myself and walked while listening to some of the previously recorded conference calls. I waited, and waited and waited. Finally

 

at 3pm I drove by there and saw that her friends jeep was still there. I decided to text her and ask her if she was up and about. She informed me that they

 

were still there via a text. I could not believe it and they were staying another night. Fortunately my daughter (12) was staying the whole weekend with our

 

friends out on the ranch so this did not affect her this time. This threw me for a tail spin. I felt so rejected.

 

 

 

Immediately following the text about them being there and staying another night, she text me that she missed me. My thought was "yeah right, then why are you

 

choosing them over me". I had my son's cell phone in my truck, so instead of texting her back that I missed her too (missed opportunity to bless her), I

 

texted her to have my son meet me outside so he could get his phone. He came outside and I talked to him for a minute, hoping she would come out to say hi,

 

but she didn't and then I left. I went back to my place and fell asleep. Then about 5pm, she texed me and I did not hear it so she called. By the time I woke

 

up, it went to voice mail. By the time I could listen to the voice mail, she called back. My daughter had called her and informed her that she did not want

 

to stay another night and needed a ride home. So the call, which when I saw it ringing was thinking cool, she changed her mind and wanted to spend some time

 

with me, but nope, instead she wanted me to go rescue my daughter and have her stay the night with me. Needless to say, I was really struggling at this point

 

but I pulled it together and nicely agreed to go get her. My daughter and I ended up really enjoying our night together, we ended up meeting a friend at a

 

park with his three girls and they all played together for hours while he and I visitied.

 

 

 

Later that night, I could not sleep because my mind was going crazy. I knew I was going to see her on Sunday morning so I wanted to get some advice so I was

 

determinded to get on the conference call to get some advice. They confirmed what I already knew, but was fighting, in that I needed to give her the space

 

she needed and die to the feelings I was experiencing. She is hurt and needs to be able to heal and process her own emotions in her own way. She has 20 years

 

of abuse and change takes time. Instead, I need to back off and bless her with the space she needed. I did need to try to address the issue with my daughter

 

from Friday night and I did need to apologize for my actions (she felt my frustration and insecurities) and ask her to forgive me. I was so blessed that the

 

conference call ran late and I was able to get on. It is hard to die to yourself so that you can put your wife first place when your emotions are running crazy.

 

 

 

So on Sunday, we got to talk. It was very hard to keep my emotions in check, but I did pretty good. We discussed what happened with my daughter on Friday

 

night and agreed that in the future, she would make prior arrangements to have her stay with me or a friend on the nights that she will have those friends

 

over. I also explained to her how it made me feel that she did not contact me on Saturday to let me know they were staying another night and that I was left

 

kind of hanging waiting for her to get up so we could spend some time together. She admitted that she should have let me know earlier and agreed going

 

forward to communicate better. I also told her that I appreciated her heart to help others (her and I have always been that way) but I warned her to not let

 

them take advantage of her. She informed me at this point that she had already fed them several meals and that she had spend way too much money and that she

 

needed to put down some boundaries.

 

 

 

She then opened up a little bit and let me know that she got scared and felt a need to gain back some independance because we were getting too close again

 

and she was scared to let me back in. She said one of the major reasons she chose to move out was that she felt like she had no independace aprt from me.

 

That in our marriage, she counted on me for everything and that she felt trapped. She said that she LOVES ME very much. I asked if she LOVED ME or was in

 

love with me. She said that I knew after the seperation that she LOVED ME but was not IN LOVE with me anymore but that she was begining to have those

 

feelings of falling into LOVE again these days and that it scares her so she pulls back. She let me know that I needed to be patient with her and that it

 

would probably happen from time to time.

 

 

 

Then to my suprise, she let me know that they were gonna stay one more night. We made plans to get together on Tuesday night. She said that I can continue to

 

stay with her at her place as much as I want, but that I needed to give her space when she needed it and that she would let me know and be more considerate

 

in the future with the timing and planning when possible. We both agreed that at this time, she did not want to make it official that we were moving back in

 

together. She wants to be 100% sure and not rush it just because I was there anyways most of the time, she wants to continue to heal and learn to trust me

 

again so that there are no regrets later. I'm ok with that and understand. I am commited to gaining back her trust, blessing her daily, and healing her

 

heart....

 

 

 

So when I left her on Sunday, I didn't expect to hear from her again until Tuesday. But a couple of hours later, she texted me and wanted to know if I wanted to go on a walk with her. So we met up and spent several more hours together walking with the dogs and enjoying each others company. Later that night, my daughter and I came over and went swimming while her friends ran some errands.

 

Today, she suprised me again and called me to see if I wanted to have lunch with her on my lunch hour. I am feeling so blessed that she is finding it in her heart to give me the time of day. In light of 20 years of abuse, I'm not sure I would do the same in her shoes. She is my everything....

 

I'm sure I'm leaving some important details out but felt like I wanted to post this to get it off my mind and be completely transparent...

 

 

 

 

So this last week I have been struggling on if I should post or not. I guess I have decided that I will.

 

I saw my wife today for about an hour, she came to my work for a Weight Watchers at Work program that we started a new session on last week. I have been doing it for the previous session too, but she just started. This was the first time I have seen her since I had lunch with her on Monday. I was almost the first time I have talked to her since then except for a few vaugh text messages.

 

Her friends are still staying at the house. She cancelled our plans on Tuesday night because she was too tired. I had school on Wednesday night and again tonight but because her friends are still there, I am not able to go there and stay night as I usually do. Today she told me that we were good and she was sorry about her friends. She admitted that she needs to set up some boundaries with them and that she was struggling with doing that. She said I was always the one that helped her with that in the past, I complimented her in that area because she was not good with it. But she does not want me to help her this time because of my relationship with these friends and the guy already wanting to fight me. She is enjoying their company, but she is also feeding them and not getting enough sleep. Not sure what she is going to do but hope she does something soon.

 

I think I realize that maybe she is using them, allowing them to be there, to keep me from being there. In the past, when I would stay there 4-5 nights a week, I always told her to let me know if she needed space of if it was a problem. She absolutely insisted that it was not a problem and did ocassionally ask me to not stay. Is this her passive aggressive behavior? She keeps telling me that she missing me. Today we both said that we needed to connect (have sex) very soon. She told me that this was not about me, that we were good, but that she really appreciated the space and appreciated my attitude.

 

She also brought up the apology letter today for the first time since I left it for her Wednesday. She really liked it and thanked me for it but asked if I was following some king of template or something. She said there were parts that she could tell were from my heart but others that she could tell the wording was not mine. That is my fault, I should have spent more time rewording Kimberly's suggestions before I sent it. Honestly though, she understood and was impressed I went through the trouble.

 

I'm really bummed because we tenatively made plans to get together on Friday to connect and spend some time together, but I just found out that I have to take an extra class on Friday night instead of the one on Wednesday, so that kind of blows the plan. I realize in the whole of things that one day is just like a milisecond in the scheme of it all, but I am so disappointed. I need to be strong though and not let her see me too upset about it. I will see her on Saturday, we are hosting my God Son's baby shower at the park with a BBQ that we are catering. My hope is that it will turn into more...

 

Anyways, I'm fighting my emotions and trying not to let her see how much I am falling apart inside so that she does not have to be the husband. It is very hard, minute by minute sometimes but I am hanging in there. There have been a few slips and I apologive to her when I slip up. Trying to be all smiles, positive, supporting and loving. Please pray for me that I can kick this flesh's behind....

[Rebuilding Trust]

Today, we texted a little. She texted first as I had texted her last night and she never responded cause she said she was already asleep. So that was good, she though about me enough to respond back this morning and apologize for missing me last night.

 

We have plans to meet up tonight after I get out of school to connect (have sex). She did not want me to come there as her friends are still there, so we are going to meet up and be like kids and find a place to park (lol), this was her suggestion, she thought it would be fun and I'm all about it...

 

I also talked to Joel today and have decided to get onto the mens calls starting tomorrow. Really looking forward to the extra help and support. Wish me luck on my little adventure tonigth!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[J_W]

Today, we texted a little. She texted first as I had texted her last night and she never responded cause she said she was already asleep. So that was good, she though about me enough to respond back this morning and apologize for missing me last night.

 

We have plans to meet up tonight after I get out of school to connect (have sex). She did not want me to come there as her friends are still there, so we are going to meet up and be like kids and find a place to park (lol), this was her suggestion, she thought it would be fun and I'm all about it...

 

I also talked to Joel today and have decided to get onto the mens calls starting tomorrow. Really looking forward to the extra help and support. Wish me luck on my little adventure tonigth!

 

it is VERY important that you cuddle for at least 5-10 minutes AFTER the ML -- this helps with the bonding that you desperately need in the recovery

(per J&K at the Intensive)

 

my .02

June of

[Rebuilding Trust]

it is VERY important that you cuddle for at least 5-10 minutes AFTER the ML -- this helps with the bonding that you desperately need in the recovery

(per J&K at the Intensive)

 

my .02

June of

 

 

Thanks, will be sure to do that, all advise is welcome....

[Rebuilding Trust]

Let me start out by saying that Friday night was awesome. We met up as planned and really enjoyed each other. It was very intimate, yet very free and adventurous. She really seemed to be blessed by the experience....

 

Then came Saturday. The plan was for us to spend the day together. We were hosting my God Son's baby shower at 1pm and were both really looking forward to it, he has been in my life since he was four and in my wives life sence he was born. We have been married 20 years, so that makes him 24.

 

That part of the day went great, she really enjoyed the day and being part of his day.

 

 

Then, she informed me that her friend's plans fell through. The plan was that I was going to spend the rest of the night with her and the kids at her place and then on Father's day, I was gonna spend the day with the kids by myself. Well, this hit me wrong. I was trying my best to fight the feelings that were swirling around in me. She was tired and grouchy because she had worked the night before from 1am to 9am and did not get a chance to go back to sleep and this was coming though. I took it personal and then she cancelled our plans, my emotions were getting the best of me but I was keeping them under control.

 

Then it happened. On the drive home, a car ran a stop sign and almost hit us. I blew up and started yelling at the other driver and lost my temper in a way that I have not lost it in a long time. When it hit me what I had done, I broke out in tears because in my mind, I knew I probabily scared my wife. It was a down hill spiral from there. I started having a pitty party and ended up ruining the rest of the night I did have with her. I left there feeling like a fool and could tell that I brought back emotions in her that set up way back on our recovery....

 

Later that night, I could not sleep, so I went on a very long walk and called into the conference call. I think it was like 3am EST when I finally got to talk to Kimberly and Josh. It was such a blessing talking to them. Josh pointed out to me that I was making this all about me and not about my beautiful bride. I explained to him that it seems as though I loose control when I feel like I have lost control. We talked about mother son issues and that I was making it my wives responsibility to be my mom and meet my emotional needs. We talked about the LOVER apology and how this mistake did not have to be the last straw and that we are not perfect, we will make mistakes, we just have to learn from them and move forward.

 

Every Sunday morning, I help my wife with her job. So by the time the conference call ended, it was time to meet up with her. We sat and talked for about 30 minutes and I told her that I was sorry for being an immature child. That I realized yesterday that I was making this all about me and my feelings and that I was sorry. I told her that I am new at this and that I did not know how to be a MAN that could support her emotional needs above my own needs but that I was in the process of learning through the ministry. She said she forgave me for my immature reaction on Saturday and would try to be patient with me. She told me that she was going to stay home after work and catch up on her sleep but that she wanted me to take the kids and enjoy my fathers day with them.

 

The kids and I had tenatively made plans to go to a movie, but ended up driving to Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. We had an awesome day together and really enjoyed our time together. I made sure not to talk about anything personal with my wife or the friends staying there. Kept it all upbeat and fun...

 

Saw my wife when I dropped them off and was able to say goodnight and give her a hug and kiss.... We tenatively made plans to get together in the next few days to connect again...

[Rebuilding Trust]

On Monday, I did not see my wife except for about 10 minutes in the evening when I dropped off my daughter. She was very tired and gave me a very weak hug and peck when I was leaving. The friends were still there. I figured that at least she acknowledged me.

 

On Tuesday, she was not responding to any of my texts. Her and her friends were going out to the lake today and I was trying to confirm if the kids went or if I needed to plan dinner for them. I did hear fromt he kids that none of them had gone because they were all sleeping (remember they all work graveyard shifts). Then, about 4pm she texted me to let me that they were up and heading to the lake (it was 103 here in CA at that time). My son went but my daughter decided not to go and stayed at house. My wife told me that I can hang out there with my daughter. I figured that since they were leaving so late, that they would not be home for the night, so I asked if I should stay the night. To my suprise, she said that they would be back about 9pm but that I could stay the night. This is the first time she has allowed this since her friends have been staying there, I was shocked and suprised. I took the pet cages out and cleaned them, straightened up the house and did dishes. Then my daughter and I went swimming and then watched a movie called "Second Chance" on Netflix. The movie was about a girl that was hurt in a car accident in which her father was killed. They have to move to a trailer park, but there is a ranch with horses. She bonds with a horse that is also hurt and ready to be sold to be killed. She rescues the horse and the horse and ranch owner rescue her. My daughter really enjoyed it....

 

When they came back, they ran to get some food and brought it back to house and we all ate and sat around and watched a little TV. Her mood was upbeat and all went well. We went to bed together (no sex because she was too tired) but I did give her a really nice message and rubbed her back and head until she feel asleep.

 

 

They are all going back to the lake today, both my daughter and son are going and my daughter is taking a friend. Not sure what time they are going to be back, but tenatively, my wife and I are supposed to have another rendevue tonight for sex if time permits. We also, tenatively made a date for Friday night to go out on a date.

[TimothyPaul]

Okay - I am going to beat up on you a bit but don't get defensive. i am going to pick apart your last post. I am very into semantics because the words we choose show how our minds are working. This has a lot to do with what we were talking about today on the call. Shifting your mind into a positive frame of reference.

 

She was very tired and gave me a very weak hug and peck when I was leaving.

 

The adjective "weak" is negative. First, count the fact that you got any hug a blessing. Second, you are focusing in that the hug did not meet your expectations. You were expecting something more. Remember, this is not about you and your feelings. And love has no expectations. Stay focused.

 

I figured that at least she acknowledged me.

 

Big time rejection feelings here on your part. "Poor me.... attitude"

 

On Tuesday, she was not responding to any of my texts.

 

How many texts did you send her? One text would have been enough. Is it possible that you were sending multiple texts not because you wanted to know what was going on, but you were getting frustrated from her lack of response. If so, again.... expectations and rejection. You were being left out of the loop and your feelings were being hurt.

 

it was 103 here in CA at that time).

 

Sounds like you are questioning her judgement.

 

are supposed to have another rendevue tonight for sex if time permits.

 

Use caution here, remember for a woman, sex is not about sex, but connection. Make sure you use the opportunity of ML as a way to connect to the inner part of her heart. I would even not use the word "sex". "Sex" implies the physical act of ML, it actually is demoralizing to a woman. Without the connection the physical act can become a turn off for a woman. I hope you focus on pleasing your wife after the physical act. Spending quality time bonding with her is going to mean more in the long run then the fleeting moment.

 

We also, tenatively made a date for Friday night to go out on a date.

 

Make sure you make all the plans well in advance. Take the time to make sure all the arrangements are in place. It will show your wife you are thinking about her even when you are not together. Thinking about her favorite things to do. Do things she likes, even if you do not like to do them. In fact, do something she likes that you do not like to do. A fun date can even be going shopping if you do it correctly. Watching her try on clothes, pamper herself, etc. Do not make it about a reward for you (i.e.- sex afterwards). If she wants to, awesome. But don't set up any expectations that she will sense that is where your motivation is. The date needs to be all about her.

 

TP

[life giver]

I dont normally visit this section of the forum, but after I read what TimothyPaul wrote I just wanted to tell him that his insights and advise was very good! I hope Pk0321 reads and heeds, and learns these good traits now, and then is diligent to be consistent in them for the healing and restoration of his marriage and his family...And really for his entire life!!!

 

Thanks TP for being so faithful to this ministry as your advise is full of Godly wisdom

 

life giver

Edited June 26, 2011 by life giver

[Rebuilding Trust]

Today has been awesome and my wife was truely blessed. Our regular Sunday morning work chores turned out to be a time of bonding and fun and blessings for the first time in a while. I was sure to make the day all about her and not about me at all. I initated with a positive, upbeat attitute and made it relaxing for her. What was supposed to be just a couple of hours together turned into a whole day. When we parted, she thanked me for a wonderful day and thanked me for listening to her. Last time we were together, she shared with me that I was being too needy and that she just didn't have the energy to meet all my needs. I did apologize, but didn't do a good LOVERS apology as I found out on Saturday's mens call.

 

So on Saturday's mens call, I was challened to listen to my wife, to pause for 30 seconds when she was talking to make sure she finished her thought and to not inturrupt or being thinking about my response, but to truely listen to her. I was also challenged to stop being so emotional and making it all about my feelings and to do this for 3 weeks to make it a habit. Today was the first day I had an opportunity to practice these new skills and all I can say is WOW. It was such a blessing to see my wife smiling and enjoying herself...

[TimothyPaul]

Awesome Man!!!!

 

I am smiling and feel so much joy just thinking about the blessing you were to your wife!

 

TP

[Rebuilding Trust]

It has been a little bit since I last posted, so I thought it was time to update. Things have been going really well still. I continue to die to my own feelings, wants, needs and just focus on my beautiful bride. The more that I initiate positive, unselfish actions towards my wife, the easier it has become. My wife is responding, like a mirror, reflecting back to me the positive energy that I am shinning on her.

 

The couple is still at the house, but she continues to include me in most things and even allows me stay all night on occassion. She says that she is going to let them stay through the end of July for sure. They start a new responsibily at work on the 8th and will be able to have a couple of paychecks by the end of July. I have a feeling that this might go into August, but for now, that is ok. My focus just has to be on blessing my wife and not letting my personal wants, preferences or needs get in the way of blessing her. She is allowing me the opportunity to be a blessing, she is giving me love back and she is acknowledging the changes in me. This is all progress toward winning her heart back and moving back in, I am trusting that God will handle all the details of getting the couple out of there and bringing my wife into the ministry....

[Rebuilding Trust]

I found the following POST and thought it was great

 

 

The Lord has sought out a man after his own heart~~1 Samuel 13:14

 

The Word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow, it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.~~Hebrews 4:12

 

God created the wife to speak the Word of God to the husband.

 

Her responses with pinpoint, spot on accuracy beam the light of truth on both a man's moral failures, and his success in attaining stature in Christ. They cut and slice through all of his defenses, ego and pride. His lies, denial and secrets done under the cover of darkness are revealed by her responsive nature. Her responses even uncover his self-deception.

 

Her responses are HOW a husband identifies his strongholds of sin. He looks into the mirror of her responses to be convicted of sin and convinced of the truth about himself. It reveals his truest character or lack thereof.

 

Her NEEDS are the path and plan to walk out agape love and grow in the character of Jesus Christ. Thank God for coming up with the idea of help-meet.

 

The mature man loves his wife in two ways: By bringing her life and strength and by bringing her healing.

 

He brings her strength through tangible expressions of attentive, considerate, compassionate, tender-hearted love. He is kind and shows her goodness all the days of her life. There is no need too great for him to meet.

 

He brings her healing by NOT questioning her responses to him, but by believing beyond any shadow of doubt the design of the creature taken out of his side. That she is absolutely perfect reflection of him. Her fear, her anger, her tears and the point and counsel of her words are a revelation of precisely where he has NOT died to sin and therefore, how he continues to hurt and abuse her.

 

It takes a MATURE man to believe HER and to receive correction from her without second guessing her or defending himself in his wrong.

 

When he takes full ownership for the pain he has caused her and takes responsibility to repair and bring reparation to her wound, it will open the door for God to bring healing through the husband.

 

From the very depths of her being she cries out to be believed and validated by her husband. She cries out to be HEARD by her husband and this takes LISTENING and hanging on her every word. To her, this will be vindication from the Lord.

 

It ushers in security to the marriage and trust in her husband. This is also how she is healed.

 

Joshua

 

Joshua, this is awesome and thank you for sharing, what a responsibility us husbands have to our brides....

 

 

He brings her healing by NOT questioning her responses to him, but by believing beyond any shadow of doubt the design of the creature taken out of his side. That she is absolutely perfect reflection of him. Her fear, her anger, her tears and the point and counsel of her words are a revelation of precisely where he has NOT died to sin and therefore, how he continues to hurt and abuse her.

 

 

This part is really, really, really hard. Even though I know that I should not react to her responses, it is harder on some days more than others. I will keep praying to God to give me the strenght to stand strong. I have to remember that her responses are in fact a mirror of me. Everytime I respond instead of initiating healing and life to her, I cause her even more pain. I can tell she is trying but also struggling at the same time. It is hardest on me to see her laughing and smiling and carrying on with out people, while sometimes in the same 5 minute period, she has been really short and standoffish with me.

 

I guess I now realize that this response is because she is so gaurded with me that I am going to react, or be needy, or want something back from her and therefore she tries to avoid that from happening. The only way I guess I am going to get her past this, is to be consisten in not reacting and to be a source of life for her, so she can look forward to our encounters. I set out each and every day to be this person for her, but my old nature creeps back in.

 

Lord, help me die to myself so that my bride may have healing, life and an outrageously happy marriage!

Edited July 20, 2011 by pk0321

[TimothyPaul]

PK - you do not have to "get her past this". That implies that there is something broken in her that needs to be fixed. While it is normal for guys to think this way, it is not what we are called to do. By learning to agape love your bride she will be healed. That agape love thing is the ticket. As I constantly remind guys, go back and dig into 1 Cor 13. This is agape love. Dig, dig dig, get the concept into your heart, not your head.

 

TP

[Rebuilding Trust]

PK - you do not have to "get her past this". That implies that there is something broken in her that needs to be fixed. While it is normal for guys to think this way, it is not what we are called to do. By learning to agape love your bride she will be healed. That agape love thing is the ticket. As I constantly remind guys, go back and dig into 1 Cor 13. This is agape love. Dig, dig dig, get the concept into your heart, not your head.

 

TP

 

Thanks for clarifying that TP, you are right, if it is not from the heart then it will not work....

[Rebuilding Trust]

This morning, I spent about 30 minutes with my wife discussing finances. We had to come up with a plan on getting her car fixed and getting our heads back above water. I wanted to make sure she was in agreement with what is coming together. We are in agreement on this. There were a couple of things that I would probably due different than she wants, but due to my past control issues and AGAPE LOVE, this is all about her wants and needs. I am just a vessel that GOD is using to bless her...

 

Due to some major car repairs being needed (transmission going out and not under warranty) and other major emergencies that have come up lately (home air conditioner going out, another major repair on another car, etc) I have had to get really creative with finances. I feel like it is my responsibility to find a way out of this mess for both of us even though we are not together physically, we are still married in God's eyes.

 

Two weeks ago, I took on PAPER ROUTE to bring in some extra money. I tried to find other work, but it has been very difficult to find work that was flexible enough to work around my FULL TIME JOB and my SCHOOLING. So that PAPER ROUTE it is for now. I have also temporarily postponed my 401k contribribution to add that extra income into my paycheck and have helped my wife with her job more so that she does not have to pay a helper as often. It is still going to take a couple more weeks for these changes to start coming to fruition but nonetheless, they are in the works.

 

I also found out today that I have been approved for a LOAN I have been trying to get. The loan will pay for my wife's transmission and allow me to buy a NEWSPAPER ROUTE car, something cheap but runs good and gets good gas mileage - my truck just doesn't cut it for this - eating up my profits. The saving in gas will more than take care of the new payment. In addition, there will be enough to pay off an old school personal loan that is stopping me from getting my official school transcripts so that I can get official credit at my current school and be on track to graduate. There are also a few other debts expenses that are urgent, my wife lost her glasses, we owe money to our dentist. etc, etc.... Oh, and can't forget to pay GOD his tithe. So things are looking up and my prayer is that this will help lower my wifes stress level so she does not get sick again. Thank you Lord for your blessing when just yesterday this seemed hopeless...

 

 

 

[Rebuilding Trust]

I am very frustrated right now. My work has been offering 'Weight Watchers at Work" and both my wife and I are signed up. Today is week 5 of 12 weeks and my wife will have missed 3 of these which will include today's session. Her excuse, she is too tired. Now grant it that she works too much and strange hours and she is tired but I do not feel that is the real reason. She has admitted to me that she was not real keen on joining to begin with but did so to support me at work as most of the other wives were joining. I might have pressured her but tried not too, though she would really enjoy it and benefit and she seemed to really want to support me. This is my 3rd round of sessions and I have lost 35 lbs to date. But now, because she keeps not making it, it is embarrasing because everyone asks where she is at. I just tell them that she had to work and couldn't make it.

 

Today, I called her at 2pm as she had asked me to wake her up. It took until 2:20 for me to get her to respond back.

 

Her response was in the form of a text that said "sorry, not going to make it today, too tired".

 

My response back was "ok, get some rest then, sweet dreams".

 

No response back from her.

 

LADIES - please give me some feedback here. What is she thinking/feeling? I am dying to my feelings and reactions, seriously not letting her see my frustration, but just want to understand why she keeps doing this. All week long, including this morning, she said she was coming?

 

 

[For Him For Her]

pk0321,

 

I am dying to my feelings and reactions

 

 

No you are not.......

 

 

it is embarrasing because everyone asks where she is at

 

And lying to boot to cover up "your" embarrassment

 

I just tell them that she had to work and couldn't make it.

 

 

A man dying to his feelings and reactions does NOT get embarrassed because his wife is struggling due to his not being a Christ-like husband for years. She is "sick" just as if she had a serious illness. If she had cancer, would you be spewing this nonsense? I doubt it. Show her the grace God has shown you.

 

God Bless

David

[Rebuilding Trust]

Thanks for the feed back David, I would like to clarify a few things.

 

First of all, I am dying to my feelings, not dead to them yet. Isn't it ok to have those feeling as long as you can control them and keep them between you and God? My wife did not see, hear or feel my embarrasment or frustration.

 

Secondly, my wife asked me to tell the group she had to miss because of work.

 

My intention on posting this was to document my struggles so that I can look back at them later and also to get feedback, but again, my wife did not know.

 

Please let me know if I am missing something else?

[JoelandKathy]

Hi PK -

 

Looking forward to talking with you on Saturday.

 

David = thank you for your care and concern for the guys here!

[Rebuilding Trust]

Okay - I am going to beat up on you a bit but don't get defensive. i am going to pick apart your last post. I am very into semantics because the words we choose show how our minds are working. This has a lot to do with what we were talking about today on the call. Shifting your mind into a positive frame of reference.

 

 

The adjective "weak" is negative. First, count the fact that you got any hug a blessing. Second, you are focusing in that the hug did not meet your expectations. You were expecting something more. Remember, this is not about you and your feelings. And love has no expectations. Stay focused.

 

 

Big time rejection feelings here on your part. "Poor me.... attitude"

 

 

Thank you for pointing this out to me Timothy, you are right. Love should have no expectations. I should be blessed that I even got any hug at all, yet I have the never to complain that it was less than I expected. Wow, no wonder she left me...

 

 

 

 

How many texts did you send her? One text would have been enough. Is it possible that you were sending multiple texts not because you wanted to know what was going on, but you were getting frustrated from her lack of response. If so, again.... expectations and rejection. You were being left out of the loop and your feelings were being hurt.

 

Sounds like you are questioning her judgement.

 

 

It was three texts and yes you are right, I was getting my feelings hurt and getting frustrated because she was not including me.

 

 

Use caution here, remember for a woman, sex is not about sex, but connection. Make sure you use the opportunity of ML as a way to connect to the inner part of her heart. I would even not use the word "sex". "Sex" implies the physical act of ML, it actually is demoralizing to a woman. Without the connection the physical act can become a turn off for a woman. I hope you focus on pleasing your wife after the physical act. Spending quality time bonding with her is going to mean more in the long run then the fleeting moment.

 

 

Fortunately, SEX (which is definately making love for us), is one of those areas that we do not have any issues with.

 

Make sure you make all the plans well in advance. Take the time to make sure all the arrangements are in place. It will show your wife you are thinking about her even when you are not together. Thinking about her favorite things to do. Do things she likes, even if you do not like to do them. In fact, do something she likes that you do not like to do. A fun date can even be going shopping if you do it correctly. Watching her try on clothes, pamper herself, etc. Do not make it about a reward for you (i.e.- sex afterwards). If she wants to, awesome. But don't set up any expectations that she will sense that is where your motivation is. The date needs to be all about her.

 

 

I do well with the planning and making it about her here, but where I have been struggling is when she cancels because she did not get enough sleep and then changes her mind at the last minute. I get my feelings hurt because I don't get to spend time with her and I take it personally like she is really cancelling because she doesn't want to be with me.

 

Just recently I have been learning that due to my own insecurities and ego, I have not trusted what she tells me. I over think and analyze the situation and make it something that it is not. I am going to stop doing this and trust that her yes is yes and her no is no. Afterall, it is supposed to be about her and not about me and my feelings (darn it, lol)....

[Rebuilding Trust]

I had a mild melt down on Sunday in front of my beautiful bride. It was not horrible, but nonetheless it was bad enough. I think I actually beat up myself up about it more than my wife because I knew I had blown it. There really is no excuse, I let my feelings and insecurities take control.

 

There is a big long story about events that happened on Sunday morning that lead to my melt down that I will not go into here because the events really do not matter, what matters is that I did not control my emotions.

 

What was great, was that my wife gave me MERCY. She told me to go home and rest, take care of my twisted ancle and that tomorrow was a new day and that she understood.

 

I continued to beat myself up through the rest of the day and eventually called Joel for some advise. He told me that sometimes, a woman can understand that a man has a breaking point in these situations and that as long she did not take it as I was trying to manipulate her or the situation by my actions that she may be able to understand the melt down and that we will be ok without a major set back.

 

Well, today, I saw her and made sure that I was upbeat and positive. She came over and gave me a big hug and appoligized for being so stressed our and short with me. I took the opportunity to do a LOVERS appology and she received it really well.

 

A little bit later, she sent me this text, "I love you Tony and I hate seeing you hurting....I am seeing all the good changes in you but still protecting myself at the same time...."

 

We then ended up having lunch together and it went well. I found out that she was a little upset with her roommates. They flaked on her today, they normally help her with her store pickups and she pays them, but they flaked because of their car even though they need the money to get it fixed and this is the third week in a row. Hate to say it, but this is GOOD news as it makes her realize that she can not depend on them. She also mentioned that they have been arguing a little bit. I know there are some other issues there that are beginning to wear on her too concerning privacy, cleanliness and money as well.

 

Joel - keep it up with those prayer of a thorny hedge being between them and my wife - they seem to be starting to come to fruition. Step it up everyone, pray-pray-pray that something will happen to make it clear to my wife that they need to go.

 

I have got to believe my wife when she tells me that we are GOOD, that she just needs some time from time to time. We have some great moments together as long I do not let the other things (jealousy, emotions, control) get in the way when she pulls back.

 

Today is a new day and I am going to do this. I am beginning to understand why I must DIE to myself. It is not about getting what I want (sex, date, back into house, or other temporary gratifications, it is about the rest of my life, it is about blessing my beautiful bride and winning her heart back and healing her wounds so that we can have an OHM and so that I can be the man that God called me to be....

Edited July 25, 2011 by pk0321

[JoelandKathy]

That is a GREAT report! And isn't it nice that the $100 per month men's group gives you three calls a week plus (and you don't take advantage of this)the ability to call me in a moment like that to talk something through.

 

"Father God, I thank you that the couple is GONE from Tony and his wife's home, in Jesus name. Thank you for thorns between that couple and Tony's wife and we ask you to BLESS them OUT of their life, in Jesus' name! Open a job for that couple that is FAR, FAR away or let a long lost relative invite them to move FAR, FAR away... in the name of Jesus we THANK YOU!