Ready to be the Man of my womans dreams

[rejoicein]

this is good stuff. Heard you on the mens call today and finally put the to together.

 

Like Joel was sharing with another guy today be sure to keep your growth in an upward motion. Keep reading, posting, and being on as many calls as you can. The real test to how much you are changing comes when you are back in the same house as your family. So don't loose focus.

 

Steve

[InHisImage]

Awesome report!!

 

Ditto what Steve said...the complacentcy of being back under the same roof can give opportunities for those old, time-released issues to come rushing back without a warning! Work on your routine of getting in the Word,posting, prayer, and work...without taking from family time. With these life elements in place, you will be able to ensure your maintain your upward growth and you will become increasingly Christlike.

 

So happy about the baby and your wonderful praise report!

 

May God continue to bless you as you lay down your life and honor your bride...Happy Wife...Happy Life!!

 

In Him,

 

IHI

[Rebuilding Trust]

1 Peter 5:8 New International Version (NIV)

 

8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

So I recently got an iPhone. A few years ago I had an iPod Touch and had it synced with iTunes and never deleted the account. So when I got the new phone, I used the same account and synced up all of my old information with my new phone which I thought was pretty cool. Several applications, all my pictures, videos, contacts, etcetera all synced up with my new phone. Some of this stuff was really outdated, but some of it was very useful and saved me some time.

 

Well yesterday, when I was going through my pictures on my iPhone, I can across some pornography. I could not believe they were there. I started racking my brain on how they got there as I knew I did not put them there. It wasn't until I went back to my computer that I realized these were old pictures from the past that got transfered to my iPhone during the sync process.

 

I tried to delete them from the iPhone but could not figure out how but made sure that I DID NOT go back and look at them again. Once I deleted them from my computer and then resynced the iPhone with the computer, they were gone. Needless to say, this brought back some old memories and scared me. It made me think of that verse from 1 Peter 5:8 "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour". If my spiritual life was not intact, this could have sent me back into my old addiction and hurt my relationship with my bride again.

 

I have not really spoken a whole lot about my porn addiction on the mens calls or on the forum before. I had a pretty serious problem here. It was so bad at one point, that I used to go to strip clubs and stuff pretty regularly. I would often self gratify several times a day. They weird part, in restrospect, is that I was still making love to my wife 3-5 times a week during this period of my life. Looking back now, I can see how it affected our love making at times (wasn't as good as it could have been). But sex is something that my wife and I have never had a problem with, even in the midst of the addiction and have continued to have plenty of sex even in the midst of our seperation.

 

Hate to talk too much about sex here, but what my wife and I do now is not sex, it is making love. The connection that I feel now, as opposed to back then during the addication, is 1000% better. Back then, my mind would wonder off and most of the time, in my mind, I was making love to whatever images happened to pop into my mind. Now, I find my wife all I need. She is so sexy and appealing to me, I can not figure out why i never saw it before. She is all I need and all I desire and I let her know that everyday. We have talked about the addiction problems of the past and she has forgiven me. She definately can see the difference between then and now, hubba-hubba...

 

When I found this ministry, and the light went on in my head and I made the commitment to walk this out with my wife and die to my old self, God delivered my from my porn addiction. I can honestly say that I have not even one time, done self gratification since then, which was in May of this year.

 

Thank you Lord for your Holy Spirit and your calling in my life. For without you, what a wreched man I would be....

Edited August 17, 2011 by pk0321

[JoelandKathy]

Take your I phone.

 

Place it gently on the ground.

 

Stomp it until it stops whimpering.

 

Get a phone that does phone calling, voice mail and text messaging.

 

Period.

 

No man who has had a history of sexual dysfunction should have a phone that goes online.

 

Kathy has one. She loves it.

 

Kathy did not have any sexual dysfunction.

 

I would never consider it.

[Rebuilding Trust]

Today was a date day, I had a planned personal day off at work. We had plans for just us two to go to Parmount Great America Amusement Park, but we were both really really tired, so we ended up getting a hotel room and just hanging out together, sleeping, bonding and cuddling all day long. I feel so blessed to have had this time with my beautiful bride today without any distractions, expectations, etcetera. I don't have much time, she is in the shower, but thought I would do a quick post.... God is good!

 

 

 

 

[TimothyPaul]

Technology makes all of our flesh desires to easy. Years ago, we had to work to gratify our flesh, I think it gave us some time to realize what we were doing and for the most part, gave us the opportunity to stop before it was to late.

 

You can get covenant eyes for your iphone, if this is a problem for you, although I agree with Joel. Better to remove your eye if its the source of sin. If there is any potential for a slip with the device, destroy it.

 

All of the guys are a bit shy to admit they had sexual struggles here on the forums and on the calls. Yet, it is an issue that every guy has had. This is an area where society has taken us completely away from God's plan for our marriages. I was on a clean website today and one of the paid advertisements on the left side of the page was an advertisement to sign up for a service that would help men and women have an affair. I couldn't believe it, it made me sick.

 

Glad you are getting the time to spend with your wife.... yes - God is Great!

 

TP

[JoelandKathy]

Awesome! I wondered where you were during men's call... you chose the better thing!

[Rebuilding Trust]

So my great day yesterday turned into a great day today as well. Shawn left the hotel last night about 7pm and went home but she came back this morning at 6am and we were able to be together until I had to leave for work at 7am. She suggested that I request a late checkout and come back for lunch, the hotel was only 15 minutes from my work. She had lunch ready for me when I got back and we got to be together for my lunch hour. Whew, what a great time for us....

 

 

 

I heard this song on KLOVE yesterday and thought it was great. I am so glad that I am not who I was, that I being remade and that I am new in Christ!

 

Jason Gray - I am new

 

Here are the lyrics:

Now I won't deny

The worst you could say about me

But I'm not defined

By mistakes that I've made

Because God says of me

 

 

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new

 

 

Who I thought I was

And who I thought I had to be

I had to give them both up

Cause neither were willing

To ever believe

 

 

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new

 

 

Too long I have lived

In the shadows of shame

Believing that there

Was no way I could change

But the one who is making everything new

Doesn't see me the way that I do

He doesn't see me the way that I do

 

 

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new

 

 

I am not who I was

I am being remade I am new

Dead to the old man I'm coming alive

I am new

 

 

Forgiven beloved

Hidden in Christ

Made in the image of the Giver of Life

Righteous and holy

Reborn and remade

Accepted and worthy this is our new name

 

 

This is who we are now...

Now I won't deny

The worst you could say about me

But I'm not defined

Edited August 26, 2011 by pk0321

[JoelandKathy]

Awesome Tony! That is great news! Congratulations!

[TimothyPaul]

Hey T -

 

This is a clip from another thread posted back in March 2, 1010 - it was to women, warning of some of the potential issues to look for in prospective suitors.

 

22. MAMA’S BOY: okay. Now, I want to clarify a man having a good relationship with his mama is one of the best gifts he can give you! His mother is the first woman (generally speaking) in his life who teaches him of femininity, beauty, healthy boundaries, nurturing, etc.. That is in fact a very desirable attribute: ideally he has a healthy relationship with his family. However, there is another level of attachment that is dysfunctional, codependent, and unhealthy. You can know this if every time you go out with him - his mother has to know; if every time you’re on the phone, she calls him; if every time you get together, she is there too. Again, there is a healthy place where his family and your family are part of the courtship and pursuit process. However, there is also a level of unhealthy draw where you feel that you are imposing on “their time” whenever you call or interact with him. Also, there is nothing wrong with a man living with his parents, even post-college, as long as there is a clear sense of healthy boundaries. Sometimes this unhealthy attachment can form if a man’s parents have been divorced or if he experienced death of one of his parents. Also, this type of bond often forms if he ever saw his mom be abused, taken advantage of, sexually abused in any form or fashion, where he, by default feels the need to step up and be her protector, coverer, and provider. While this is a noble act for a man to do, and honorable the intentions of his heart, it is also unhealthy for him to have to fill a “parent” or “spousal” role. It also on occasion happens if his father is emotionally absent and the mom turns to her son to fill that void. If he is still living at home because he feels bound by his mother or parents control, or feels a strong sense of obligation to stay in the area and be nearby “just in case” - that’d be something legitimate to address and talk about before you enter into a more intense relationship.

 

There is healthy attachment, and then there is codependent or enmeshed kinds of attachment. You might often feel like the “third wheel” or that if you marry him, you’re marrying “him and mom”. No thank you. I venture you would agree. If this is the case, and you do love the man and want to be with him and feel the Lord’s hand of blessing, recognize this is an issue you want to definitely address and work through before marriage. Your family and friends will often be the ones to identify this for you. You might dismiss it as “not a problem”. But please, please - do heed their advice and wisdom and observations. They’re probably noticing more than you think!

[TimothyPaul]

Paul Hegstrom says, “Where one is teachable, all behaviors are fixable.”

[TimothyPaul]

For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Saviour; Who will have all men to be saved, and to come unto the knowledge of the truth.

(1Ti 2:3-4 KJV)

[Rebuilding Trust]

ok, so lots going on. The couple that is living with my wife (they are not married) are breaking up. The girl is going home to live with her mom but the guy says he has no where to go and my wife has agreed to let him stay there. I have know for a while now that his could end up happening and have been praying that it would not come to this. The guy is only 26 years old and the girl is 36. The guy has suddenly decided that he wants to have kids and the girl has already had her tubes tied. They have been together since he was 19. As of today, they are both still there but things are coming to a head and she could leave anyday now.

 

Maybe I am crazy, but I believe my wife that there is nothing more than a friendship, I do not believe that there has not been any sex involved as of yet. Don't get me wrong, I am certain their is an emotional affair of sorts here. But it needs to be said that my wife and I spend a lot of time together, make love 3-5 times a week (sometimes more than once on the same day). I was very controlling in my relationship with her which forced her to leave me. She is working on trusting me again and I feel we are making some great progress.

 

I have express to her that I am not ok with him living there. She feels that I am trying to control her to work my way back into the house. I explained to her that I just want a fair chance on winning her heart back. That while he is there, I do not have a fair chance because he is able to meet her emotional needs each day where I am limited because I am not there. It affects my ability to bless her and our ability to work on our relationship in unheard of ways.

 

I have to make a decision on how to handle this news. I have been on the fence. My flesh tells me to cut and run. Some tell me to pull back the extra financial support that I give her, that is is not right to support her in adultry. I do a paper route that brings in extra money to make up for a cut in her wages that happened several months ago, so that she could stay in her home. I feel like I should just try to love her through this like I did with her decision to let them move in to begin with but everyone is telling me that the odds of her coming back to me with him there by himself is greatly reduced, especially if I keep supporting her financially. I guess it is going to have to come down to trust. I trust that she has been honest and upfront with me to date, have no reason to think or suspect otherwise. I truely believe that because of me being such a controlling person previously in the relationship, that pullling support would just be confirmation to her that I am trying to control the situation. But, I am just not ok with this and do not know if I can die to myself and let this transpire or even if I should.

 

As of yesterday, I see a small hope that she might come around and ask him to leave. Her and I spent the whole day together yesterday and we really connected in an awesome way. Her heart softened up and I think she finally is starting to see my point of view. I need some help on how to handle this, word this, ecetera from a point of strength and not from a controlling standpoint. I have examined myself and have talked with Joel about this and I do not believe I am trying to control her through this, that I am just trying to point out to her how this is wrong for us.

 

Looking for some advice and insight from some women here.

 

[TimothyPaul]

going to be tough to get objective advice - you fail to mention the guy has influenced you son who is in residence there, of the drug situation. You fail to mention he has little to no income to speak of, and your wife is supporting him.

 

Your children live there, so your children are seeing this horrible relationship between your wife and him.

 

You forgetting to tell that you are burning the candle at both ends, 2 jobs, school, kids, etc. - sleeping 3.5 hours, and then catching cat naps in your truck.

 

Your failing to mention the fact that whether or not they are physically in a relationship, there is the emotional affair. She is having some needs a husband should meet by him.

 

- etc...

 

It appears, you are not satisfied with the counsel you have gotten from Joel, myself and others on the mens call, where they are familiar with all of the facts.

 

A woman's viewpoint is not going to be objective if you tailor the post in a way that will "filter" their opinions.

 

You are extremely passive and filled with the anxiety of losing your wife, so you are choosing not to act for yourself, not because you are blessing your wife....

 

As June would say...my .02

 

 

TP

[Rebuilding Trust]

Thanks for that Timothy,

 

It is so hard to put in all the facts as there are so many but yes, the details are important. I am just trying to get all the advise I can get and I have yet to get the perspective of a woman through this. I just don't want to do the wrong thing here. I have heard the advise of Joel and am waiting to hear back from him on what Ken Nair says today about continuing to just die to myself and love her through this or to take Joel's advise and pull financial support.

 

Again, the decision is ultimately mine to make - advise is just that - but I am listening and taking it all in. Again, just trying to get as much counsel as I can hear.

[JoelandKathy]

I put a call in to Ken Nair today. Nancy called back and left a voice mail but Ken has not been able to yet. As we discussed, I am reaching out to get counsel from him. Our recommendation to you has been to cut off her money so you are not funding the guy being there anymore... but I am going to defer to Ken when he calls and I share this all with him.

 

It is interesting that you again had a warm, long conversation with her.

 

Everyone, please pray for Tony and his wife. This is twilight zone.. and he has to live in it.

 

Pray for him.

[MaryJane]

A woman wants to feel safe and secure with her husband -- emotionally, and otherwise. She needs to know he will lay down his life for her -- in whatever way might be necessary.

 

I think your wife needs you to protect her and the children, as far as possible, from this predator.

 

May God guide your every step.

[Looney_Tunes]

You already know the right thing to do. You're afraid to do it because you're afraid your wife won't like it.

 

Your children don't like it when you discipline them, but you (hopefully) do it anyway, because that's what's best for them. Please have the guts to do what's best for your family.

[Chrysallis]

Thanks for that Timothy,

 

It is so hard to put in all the facts as there are so many but yes, the details are important. I am just trying to get all the advise I can get and I have yet to get the perspective of a woman through this. I just don't want to do the wrong thing here. I have heard the advise of Joel and am waiting to hear back from him on what Ken Nair says today about continuing to just die to myself and love her through this or to take Joel's advise and pull financial support.

 

Again, the decision is ultimately mine to make - advise is just that - but I am listening and taking it all in. Again, just trying to get as much counsel as I can hear.

 

PK

 

Question (and the others may already know the answer) if the male moves out too, can your wife afford the house by herself?

 

Here's the deal. (No guy knows this part of things.) A house with no male protection is kind of scary. Since you can't move in, and this other male wants to be there, it could be that your wife wants the guard dog aspect, not realizing that this dude living there makes her look REALLY compromised and compromises your children's safety. The most frequent child abuser is a live in male.

 

If you threaten her financially, the whole kit and kaboodle might up and move somewhere they can afford. Bad for you. If you let her know you will help her move to a secure apartment, say with a locked glass door that only other residents can get to, maybe that will work. Threatening a woman's finances has a little different effect than threatening a male's finances. The male would cave immediately.

 

Remember?

 

Women are more emotional and less likely to respond in a predictable manner to such threats. I am SO GLAD Joel and Ken Nair are working together on this because this is a sticky wicket and some careful analysis needs to occur.

 

I COMPLETELY AGREE this dude needs to get out. How to get it done though is not a simple question.

[TimothyPaul]

Hey T. Just want to make sure u realize that no one is suggesting you "discipline" S. There is a huge difference between leading S fro

Sin n discipline. Huge.

 

As the abusive husband you can not take a position that because of the spiritual maturing u r doing now, you can be judgemental.

 

I don't think his is where ur heart is, but just want to make sure.

[Rebuilding Trust]

Hey T. Just want to make sure u realize that no one is suggesting you "discipline" S. There is a huge difference between leading S fro

Sin n discipline. Huge.

 

As the abusive husband you can not take a position that because of the spiritual maturing u r doing now, you can be judgemental.

 

I don't think his is where ur heart is, but just want to make sure.

 

Definately not where my heart is at all. I do not think anyone is telling me to discipline my wife. The way it has been put was more like rescuing Shawn from her self or her sin, not as discipline but rather in love. An example of a White Night has been used.

 

I feel like my decision to AGAPE love her, to love her unconditionally like Christ loved us when he went to the cross for us, is what a true godly White Night would do. The 20 years of control and abuse to my wife experienced from me has deeply wounded her and changed her better judgement. God has called me to love her with Agape love. She needs me to love her unconditionally and not put restrictions or conditions on my Love. Christ never stopped loving me through all my filthiness, he expects me to do the same for my bride.

 

Agape is love which is of and from God, whose very nature is love itself. The Apostle John affirms this in 1 John 4:8: “God is love.” God does not merely love; He is love itself. Everything God does flows from His love. But it is important to remember that God’s love is not a sappy, sentimental love such as we often hear portrayed. God loves because that is His nature and the expression of His being. He loves the unlovable and the unlovely (us!), not because we deserve to be loved, but because it is His nature to do so, and He must be true to His nature and character. God’s love is displayed most clearly at the Cross, where Christ died for the unworthy creatures who were “dead in trespasses and sins” (Ephesians 2:1), not because we did anything to deserve it, “but God commends His love toward us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us” (Romans 5:. The object of agape love never does anything to merit His love. We are the undeserving recipients upon whom He lavishes that love. His love was demonstrated when He sent His Son into the world to “seek and save that which was lost” (Luke 19:10), and to provide eternal life to those He sought and saved. He paid the ultimate sacrifice for those He loves.

[Chrysallis]

pk

 

You didn't answer my Q

[Rebuilding Trust]

Yesterday was a good day. Had a great visit with my bride in the morning before I went to work. Got on the men's call, but Joel still has not heard back from Ken Nair. I had to go into the San Francisco Bay area for work in the afternoon to do some training which went extremely well. Didn't get back into town until late, 8 o' clock my time. I slept until midnight, then went to my wives place and we made love before she had to go to work at 1:30am (this was prearranged). I stayed there and slept until 3:30am and then got up to do my paper route in which I was finished by 5:30am. I took a nap until 7am and then visited with my wife until 7:40am and then rushed off to work.

[TimothyPaul]

SO!!!! Answer Chrysallis's question!

[Rebuilding Trust]

PK

 

Question (and the others may already know the answer) if the male moves out too, can your wife afford the house by herself?

 

Here's the deal. (No guy knows this part of things.) A house with no male protection is kind of scary. Since you can't move in, and this other male wants to be there, it could be that your wife wants the guard dog aspect, not realizing that this dude living there makes her look REALLY compromised and compromises your children's safety. The most frequent child abuser is a live in male.

 

If you threaten her financially, the whole kit and kaboodle might up and move somewhere they can afford. Bad for you. If you let her know you will help her move to a secure apartment, say with a locked glass door that only other residents can get to, maybe that will work. Threatening a woman's finances has a little different effect than threatening a male's finances. The male would cave immediately.

 

Remember?

 

Women are more emotional and less likely to respond in a predictable manner to such threats. I am SO GLAD Joel and Ken Nair are working together on this because this is a sticky wicket and some careful analysis needs to occur.

 

I COMPLETELY AGREE this dude needs to get out. How to get it done though is not a simple question.

 

 

Yes, my wife can afford to stay living there without the guy being there, he/they have barely contributed to living there, mainly only some groceries or food, so she will be fine without him there.