Where do I go from here?

[Forrest Gump]

So, we talked last night. She says that thinking about being stuck with me alone, driving 5 hours each way and going to the intensive is giving her anxiety attacks. She said she became physically sick just thinking about it. She told me she has no interest in touching me at all. She wants to start staying at a friends house because we can't afford for either of us to move out or pay for childcare. She still doesn't believe she can heal or get over everything. She doesn't believe we can get through this. She can't imagine us ever being happy together again. I did manage to keep my mouth shut and listen. She did tell me that she sees the changes in me. She said she is amazed that I am showing humility like never before. She doesn't want to hurt me but she is hurting so bad she can't handle it. It was encouraging in some ways but awful in others. She will not read the books or watch the videos. I am scared. Trying to stay positive, but no doing so good. I can't lose her. Nothing else matters to me right now more than her healing.

[Chrysallis]

stay quiet. If you can't say anything good don't say anything at all. Above all, do not loose your cool

[Forrest Gump]

I did stay quiet... this time. Not defending myself. Trying to give her space to say how she feels. I didn't break down and lose it until she left. Still breaking down several times a week. Trying to be strong and positive, but I just can't keep it together sometimes. Trying not to do it in front of her. I guess it is good to have all this alone time. Nobody sees me when it all comes apart. The DVD series is really helping. I have learned a lot. Feel like I understand her better. It all still hurts though. Honestly terrified of getting this close and not making it.

[Chrysallis]

Good! Tell her it is up to her and if need be she could drive the car and you could take a Greyhound bus to the intensive...........

[Forrest Gump]

Good! Tell her it is up to her and if need be she could drive the car and you could take a Greyhound bus to the intensive...........

 

Yeah, I am looking at those kind of options. The hotel room is going to be an issue, too. We haven't slept in the same room for months. I may end up sleeping in the car. Either way, it has to happen. Not giving up.

Also, I am a little concerned about the intensive. I have put all my eggs in this basket. I don't see another chance like this to be with her and have help with her healing. I feel like I am mortgaging my whole life, betting everything on that weekend. If it starts feeling like another "church" function or some social event, she will leave. This has to be completely life changing. I am in a perfect place to trust God completely; mainly because there are no options left. I have run out of "me." I am broken.

[Chrysallis]

I know it is really difficult and painful.

 

I haven't been to an intensive, because so far my H is AWOL, but from what I can gather, it won't be it won't churchy or like a social gathering. They are pretty intense from my reading on the board.........

[jenisy]

Yeah, I am looking at those kind of options. The hotel room is going to be an issue, too. We haven't slept in the same room for months. I may end up sleeping in the car. Either way, it has to happen. Not giving up.

Also, I am a little concerned about the intensive. I have put all my eggs in this basket. I don't see another chance like this to be with her and have help with her healing. I feel like I am mortgaging my whole life, betting everything on that weekend. If it starts feeling like another "church" function or some social event, she will leave. This has to be completely life changing. I am in a perfect place to trust God completely; mainly because there are no options left. I have run out of "me." I am broken.

Do what you have to do to get the intensive. Be aware that the enemy does not want you guys to go because he does not want your marriage restored. So stand in faith and rebuke the fear. Humble your self and spend the money you must to ensure her she will be safe. get two rooms or even ask j and k if maybe they can find someone to house one of you while the other sleeps at the hotel. God will make a way for you. I will pray that all weapons formed against you and your marriage will not prosper. Don't quit 5 min before the miracle. These intensives are for real and not just some fluffy seminar. they will get to the root of the problems and provide a non judgmental atmosphere where you will find transparency, acceptance, truth and love.

[Forrest Gump]

Any advice on this one? She read 1 chapter of the second book and put it down. I have talked to her about the videos, mainly the last concerning wives and their pain. No interest. At this point, I am legitimately concerned that she is going to back out of the trip at the last minute. We are talking more, but she is still very distant and doesn't want to discuss relationship issues at all. She did finally blow up at me a few nights ago. I kept calm and listened. Everything she said hurt like hell and gave me no encouragement. I felt good about her being honest, but everything sher said was hard. She is not healing. She is holding on to the pain like a security blanket. The 20/20/20/20 plan is going to get me shot. She tolerates one or two hugs a day, but gets irritated beyond that. An attempt to kiss her is like picking a fight. She will not respond to compliments, unless rolling her eyes or changing the subject counts. The smiles are even hard. Considering everything else, my smiles are not very convincing. I did quit smoking, 8 days now. Still pushing to lose the weight and be as helpfull as possible.

I am sure this all sounds normal to you survivors out there. Not so easy from here. What can I do?

[jenisy]

Any advice on this one? She read 1 chapter of the second book and put it down. I have talked to her about the videos, mainly the last concerning wives and their pain. No interest. At this point, I am legitimately concerned that she is going to back out of the trip at the last minute. We are talking more, but she is still very distant and doesn't want to discuss relationship issues at all. She did finally blow up at me a few nights ago. I kept calm and listened. Everything she said hurt like hell and gave me no encouragement. I felt good about her being honest, but everything sher said was hard. She is not healing. She is holding on to the pain like a security blanket. The 20/20/20/20 plan is going to get me shot. She tolerates one or two hugs a day, but gets irritated beyond that. An attempt to kiss her is like picking a fight. She will not respond to compliments, unless rolling her eyes or changing the subject counts. The smiles are even hard. Considering everything else, my smiles are not very convincing. I did quit smoking, 8 days now. Still pushing to lose the weight and be as helpfull as possible.

I am sure this all sounds normal to you survivors out there. Not so easy from here. What can I do?

Her blowing up at you is actually a good sign, it means you have created enough of a safety for her to get some of her poison and pain out. keep initiating life into her. respect her boundaries right now and dont put expectations on her to respond to you right now.

 

Your wife has reached that scary place of bitterness and hardening her heart. There is still hope, but it really requires your commitment to become christlike and lay your life down for her even when u are hurting and think it is hopeless. there is hope because of Jesus.

 

I suggest praying in thanks, thank God for the fact that she will be going to the intensive, trust that he will get her there. you do your part, be loving gentle and kind... and he will as well. She has had years of abuse so this isnt going to get better over night, this is a process. commit to the process and trust God for a miracle in your marriage. you do what is right and he will honor you!

[KathyandJoel]

Still wondering about the "pride in reverse" and "mother/son issues" comments. Anybody?

 

Mother/Son issues: in a quick capsule. You will learn more in depth when you get to the Intensive.

 

God has given every man, the ability to meet the needs on ONE adult female.

 

Because your father did not meet your mothers emotional needs, she ended up getting her emotional needs met by her son or sons in different ways: being friends and talking to you about issues at home or in her life, or working together in the garden or kitchen...( because who was suppose to be working with her in the garden or kitchen, side by side with her? Your dad!) or however it looks like in ya'lls world.

 

It was not intentional, it just happens, so when you go to get married, your wife has the same type of needs and to you it reminds you of your mothers needs emotionally. You begin to think your wife's needs are wrong but they are not. They are the needs of any adult female, but because it reminds you of your mothers need, they appear wrong to you.

 

You then begin to resist meeting those particular needs, because your not going to be married to your mother.

 

Does that makes sense to you? (It is 1:27am right now, so I hope my fingers are typing out what my brain is trying to focus on and explain!! lol

 

I hope that helps.

[InHisImage]

Hi Grimstone,

 

I've read through your thread and i just wanted you to know that i have begun praying for your marriage. As the tears race down my face, i am hurting for your family. The pain and sorrow that your bride is living through is almost incommunicable...the pain you are feeling is very real and very good!

 

Please feel free to read my thread if you have a little time. Your bride is hurting and like muscle tearing from the bone, her love for you is causing internal pain. Be encouraged...love is not gone. God is your source...you have to change before she can change towards you. This is a process my brother...this is a battle. This is a struggle for your maturity and manhood in Christ...not a marital fight. The pain you are feeling is the gears of transition screaming out; becoming a Christlike man who unselfishly and unconditionally lays his life, heart, and soul down for his wife and children does not occur without you defeating you and letting God have his way in your life.

 

Gear up brother...i'll be here with the others to help you along the way...along a path of change. I am still believeing for my miracle and i can tell you that i have walked in your shoes. My journey is not too different from yours...it's just gone on longer and i can help you now.

 

Two suggesstions: as soon as you open your eyes every morning...begin with praising the Father! Like TP told you earlier, you have much to be grateful for...thank Him for all of it! in the same breath, let your needs be known to Him; ask God for Strength to make it through the day...strength to fight your flesh and years of entitlement living, and then ask Him for an opportunity to bring Honor to Him. This is bigger than you and me...this is a spritual battle! God will honor your requests...He loves you!.

 

Another brother in the Fight of his life,

 

Strength and Honor,

 

InHisImage

Edited July 29, 2011 by InHisImage

[Looney_Tunes]

Let me try to talk a little from your wife's perspective, and maybe it will help to calm the fear just a little. One thing you need to understand is that a wife is about 6-8 months behind her husband emotionally when he finally finds his way here and starts working on the marriage. That means that after you have been walking this out consistently for 6-8 months, your wife might want to start working on the marriage again.

 

I promise you that your marriage did not get bad a few years ago. If your wife were to be totally honest, your marriage probably started going downhill a few minutes after you both said I do. The abusive behaviors that hurt her are things you've been doing all your life. We understand that, like just about every man here, you did not intend to abuse your wife. You simply didn't know any better.

 

Your wife did not intentionally abandon the role of helpmeet that God gave her. She didn't know any better either. So she did what most Christian wives are taught to do - she shut up, prayed, and agape loved you until she couldn't take it anymore.

 

So here you are 21 years later. You found us, and you're suddenly reading these books and making some changes. Your wife is scared to death, because you have promised to change before. Each time, the changes lasted for a short time - just long enough to shut her up - and then you went back to your old way of being a bad husband. And her heart, which was hoping maybe this time, was crushed again.

 

Right now she's pretty sure the changes she's seeing - and she is seeing them - will last only long enough for you to get her back. She doesn't want to be part of the process because she doesn't want to have her heart trampled on once again. It's safer to detach. It's safer to have nothing to do with you.

 

Your goal is to get her to the intensive. Do whatever you have to do to get her there without having to drive with you. Put her on a plane, let her drive with a friend while you get there another way, whatever you have to do. Spring for two hotel rooms or, as you said, sleep in your car. Ask J&K - they are often able to find a place for a wife to stay when necessary for safety or other reasons. Please tell her that we understand where she's at, and she will not be pressured to do anything she doesn't want to do. We just want her to get the information and understand why you are being told to do this. We know that the state of your marriage is mostly your fault.

 

In the meantime, do not violate her boundaries. You should still attempt the 20/20/20/20, but don't force her if she doesn't want to be touched. Send her 2-3 texts or emails per day - things like thinking of you, hope you're having a good day, etc. Don't make them too mushy at this point. Don't keep bringing up the books or DVD's. If she feels pressured, she's gonna run in the other direction. Give her space, but make sure she doesn't feel ignored.

 

Most of all, give it time. Your marriage took 21 years to get here. It won't be fixed overnight.

[InHisImage]

Good morning Grimstone,

 

Be encouraged!

 

I'm on the West Coast and indeed, God allowed the sun to rise and gave me grace to see it! There is much to be thankful for! I listen to Daily Audio Bible (DAB) nearly every single day...it's part of filling my mind with healthy inputs and keeps me from feeling the aloneness of my current situation. So, if that applies to you, i would recommend you make it part of your daily routine ...it's good to HEAR the Word of the Lord. Remember, FAITH comes by HEARING...the Word! Anyhow, gotta run to work but DAB hit on Romans 12 today...thought i'd pass it on to you. I pray you are encouraged and blessed by God's Word!

 

Strength and Honor,

 

InHisImage

 

Romans 12

New International Version (NIV)

 

 

Romans 12

A Living Sacrifice

1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Humble Service in the Body of Christ

3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. 4 For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5 so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6 We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your[a] faith; 7 if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; 8 if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

Love in Action

9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[c] Do not be conceited.

 

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”[d] says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:

 

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;

if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.

In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”[e]

 

21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

[InHisImage]

Hey Grims...

just sittin at lunch prayin for ya...and heard a song that for many months was actually the prayer of my heart...

 

you see...i was so blind to my wife's pain and suffering. I was disconnected from her emotional needs and emotional

condition...how did i not see her? How did i miss the heart of my precious bride?....i didn't see...and i didn't know

what i didn't know. it was a real blind spot...so i heard this song and prayed that God would do this for me.

 

He did...and it all started to become evident to me. I was my biggest issue...my ego, my selfishness. God gracefully allowed

me to finally "SEE" my wife...once it happened, i was horrified what i had done to my angel. For me it was the beginning

of a long journey of humility and learning to de-construct who i was and rebuild who i am in Christ...anyhow, that's a

lesson of another day!

 

Hope this reaches your heart...

 

In Him,

 

IHI

 

 

Give Me Your Eyes lyrics

Songwriters: Heath, Brandon; Ingram, Jason David;

 

Looked down from a broken sky

Traced out by the city lights

My world from a mile high

Best seat in the house tonight

 

Touched down on the cold black tar

Hold on for the sudden stop

Breathe in the familiar shock

Of confusion and chaos

 

All those people going somewhere

Why have I never cared?

 

Give me Your eyes for just one second

Give me Your eyes so I can see

Everything that I keep missing

Give me Your love for humanity

 

Give me Your arms for the broken hearted

The ones that are far beyond my reach?

Give me Your heart for the one's forgotten

Give me Your eyes so I can see

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

 

Step out on a busy street

See a girl and our eyes meet

Does her best to smile at me

To hide what?s underneath

 

There?s a man just to her right

Black suit and a bright red tie

Too ashamed to tell his wife

He's out of work, he's buying time

 

All those people going somewhere

Why have I never cared?

 

Give me Your eyes for just one second

Give me Your eyes so I can see

Everything that I keep missing

[- From :http://www.elyrics.net/read/b/brandon-heath-lyrics/give-me-your-eyes-lyrics.html -]

Give me Your love for humanity

 

Give me Your arms for the broken hearted

The ones that are far beyond my reach?

Give me Your heart for the one's forgotten

Give me Your eyes so I can see

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

 

I've been there a million times

A couple of million eyes just moving past me by

I swear I never thought that I was wrong

 

Well, I want a second glance

So give me a second chance

To see the way You see the people all alone

 

Give me Your eyes for just one second

Give me Your eyes so I can see

Everything that I keep missing

Give me Your love for humanity

 

Give me Your arms for the broken hearted

The ones that are far beyond my reach?

Give me Your heart for the one's forgotten

Give me Your eyes so I can see

 

Give me Your eyes for just one second

Give me Your eyes so I can see

Everything that I keep missing

That I keep missing

 

Give me Your arms for the broken hearted

The ones that are far beyond my reach?

Give me Your heart for the one's forgotten

Give me Your eyes so I can see

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

 

Send "Give Me Your Eyes" Ringtone to your Cell

Songwriters: HEATH, BRANDON / INGRAM, JASON

 

[Forrest Gump]

Thanks guys. I am feeling your pain too. Its been bad the last two days. She told me it makes her angry to even look at me. She says there is nothing I can do to make it better. My spirit is crushed. Trying to stay calm. My pastor told me years ago, you can't hurt a dead man. He doesn't react or defend himself. I guess I am making progress. Still hurting from each stab, but seem to be recovering faster. Still breaking down daily. Still tormented as each day ends without resolution. Still scared that we are this close and might not make it. But not hopeless. I am encouraged that she will tell me how she feels. Even the hard parts. Thanks for the prayers and guidance.

[InHisImage]

Hey Grims,

 

Bad days will come...and this too shall pass.

 

 

 

She told me it makes her angry to even look at me. She says there is nothing I can do to make it better.

....awe yes...the words every man hates to hear! There is nothing you can do...that's our weakness as men, we want to do something, write somenthing, buy something, say something to "make it better" and get wifey back, but no. The beauty of this is that as men, we are in a position where we need God. Flat on our face before the Creator of the universe, before the Father who gave you that precious bride...humbly asking Him to recreate you from the inside out! There's nothing you can do, but that...God will do the rest.

 

 

 

My spirit is crushed. Trying to stay calm. My pastor told me years ago, you can't hurt a dead man. He doesn't react or defend himself.

What i wish your pastor and mine would have said it this; "you are going to have moments of intense pain and sorrow. There will be days when your bride unloads the weight of the world on you and you are not going to know how to handle it...you will feel like dying, imploding, exploding and reacting...that's because you are immature in Christ. You have begun a journey of developement toward Christlikeness, where you find your full and complete identity in Him alone. You will be a strong tower...you will be a mighty fortress...you will be a defender; but it's because Christ is your source." Guys like us who react to our wives in a manner that causes deep emotional stirring need the help of mature men who can guide us in development.

 

The point that "dead men don't react" isn't what you wife wants...no bride wants a emotionally dead husband, they want an emotional strong husband who understands the laws of God. Sow and reap: Your wife's heart will produce whatever you sow...as she harvests it, she will bring it to you...you take it and carry it to the cross and offer it to the Lord. You were not ment to do more than that; that is your job as a husband. Listen to your wife's heart...take it to the Cross. Take the concerns of her heart, the worries of her mind, the fears of her spirit and deliver them to her Father in Heaven. And the next time you sow into your wife, sow more love, more compassion, more grace, more peace, more joy, more encoragement, more harmony, more passion, more sweetness, more kindness, more generosity, more forgiveness, more of what you hope for your marriage....that's a Christlike man!

 

 

 

I guess I am making progress. Still hurting from each stab, but seem to be recovering faster. Still breaking down daily. Still tormented as each day ends without resolution.

Here's a little tip...stop checking your pulse every lap. This isn't a day-in,day-out process...check your pulse every month or every quarter. Your bride is 6-8-12 months behind your development and changes...so stop looking at your watch You are not checking to see if you grew last night by measuring yourself everyday...you check once a year...this is similar! Your mission is to become increasingly Christlike, not "win" your wife back. AS you become more and more like Christ towards her, her heart will become more and more devoted to you. You will treat her more and more like the Daughter of God and princess of Christ that she is, because you will be in process of becoming more and more like the Son of God and prince of Christ that you were ment to be....so...relax...it's a journey!

 

Still scared that we are this close and might not make it. But not hopeless. I am encouraged that she will tell me how she feels. Even the hard parts. Thanks for the prayers and guidance.

 

I like this analogy...have you ever climbed a mountain? Not a hill or even anything below 10,000 feet...but an expedition? in general here's how it goes:

Step 1: Excited phase: plan trip, buy gear...shop, talk it out...training...really fun! Lots of new tools and gadgets!!

Step 2: Travel phase: after a few months of training...anticipation and anxiety...lots of real work begins

Step 3: Set up base camp: This is hard...the realities of the journey...moving all the gear...the exhaustionof the work and still not to the top!

Step 4: The Climb: this phase is exhausting...you get up at 0300 hours or earlier and begin a slow march up the mountain. YOu do not go alone...you are tied together with others on the team who are pushing for the same goal. You climb with gear...you take one step...then another...they are slow...they hurt...they are critical steps b/c a missed step sends you sliding down the mountain and someone will hopefully save you.

Step 5: Summit: After a long climb in the dark, you are preped to summit. You take a bit of food and drink, you take only the essentials and you push hard against the fibers of your screaming muscles and burning lungs to go up 250+ feet to the top...Glorious!

 

Right now brother...you are in step 1 or 2. So let it begin...take in the training...understand the journey lays ahead and victory is certain. God is your commander...He will not let you go! Hang on! Gear up! Get ready for your life is about to change forever!

 

Strength and Honor!

 

IHI

[Forrest Gump]

I am honored by you guys trying to explain all this to me. But, honestly... can we work on your motivational skills? Telling me I am not even at "base camp" after the most agonizing (yes, daily) 2 years of my life. Dang. I may need to go throw up. Give me a day to read back through all that again.

[Forrest Gump]

I have never been good at "putting on a happy face" and pretending everything is good. So here I sit tonight. After yesterday. Which may have been the absolute best day I have had in 2 years, back to stressed and tormented. I am living on a roller coaster. I had her all to myself yesterday for several hours. We had a great day. Even got to hold her hand for a while. I was on top of the world last night and all the way until I got home tonight. Some days, I feel like I am making progress, we are getting close, she is healing and opening up, I am maturing and making better choices. Then there's today. Where she is back to cold and distant. I gave up the smoking, it was a big issue for both of us, 2 weeks ago. But, it was also this handy crutch to ease my nerves when I just can't get settled. I have been sober for 21 years, but the last few months have seen me get desperate for something to make the pain stop. Tonight, I am drinking again. Probably more than I should, too. You guys are all hearing the good and bad. Trying to be as real and honest here as I can. (Hope I don't read this later and regret it.)

God has done some amazing things in my life. I have seen miracles. This daily grind, this fighting to grow and heal, this struggle against what I see compared to what I believe, this cold rejection from the only person in the world who can affect me is almost more than I can take. ( no cigarettes for 2 weeks, absolutely nothing resembling porn in my world for 6 weeks or more now, not gratifying myself, haven't gotten to touch my wife (more than a hug) in over 2 months... yes, I am stressed)

Pray that we make it to the intensive. Pray that neither one of us breaks under the pressure and gives up. (seems like we are both close) Pray for clarity in our minds. Pray for more positive influences for both of us, people who will encourage us. (my friends think I am nuts, her friends hate me) I am about to start back through the videos again. Hope to find more that I may have missed. She has made it clear that she is not reading or watching any of this. Not going to ask again. We are in the countdown now. Just over 3 weeks til the intensive. Please pray for some peace here.

[TimothyPaul]

Hey Grimstone,

 

I hear ya on the smoking and the drinking. What you have to try and put into perspective is that these are the tools of this world to self gratify. You need to surrender that what you are doing is trying to fill a void in your heart put there by God so that you would seek Him in these moments. I struggle from these vices as well but I understand what they are and when I am going down that path, I really pull back into God and realize that the only way to overcome these difficulties is by diving into agape loving my wife.

 

Thats where we can fill the void. Love you wife, I mean really agape love her, and you can get through this.

 

TimothyPaul

[jenisy]

I have never been good at "putting on a happy face" and pretending everything is good. So here I sit tonight. After yesterday. Which may have been the absolute best day I have had in 2 years, back to stressed and tormented. I am living on a roller coaster. I had her all to myself yesterday for several hours. We had a great day. Even got to hold her hand for a while. I was on top of the world last night and all the way until I got home tonight. Some days, I feel like I am making progress, we are getting close, she is healing and opening up, I am maturing and making better choices. Then there's today. Where she is back to cold and distant. I gave up the smoking, it was a big issue for both of us, 2 weeks ago. But, it was also this handy crutch to ease my nerves when I just can't get settled. I have been sober for 21 years, but the last few months have seen me get desperate for something to make the pain stop. Tonight, I am drinking again. Probably more than I should, too. You guys are all hearing the good and bad. Trying to be as real and honest here as I can. (Hope I don't read this later and regret it.)

God has done some amazing things in my life. I have seen miracles. This daily grind, this fighting to grow and heal, this struggle against what I see compared to what I believe, this cold rejection from the only person in the world who can affect me is almost more than I can take. ( no cigarettes for 2 weeks, absolutely nothing resembling porn in my world for 6 weeks or more now, not gratifying myself, haven't gotten to touch my wife (more than a hug) in over 2 months... yes, I am stressed)

Pray that we make it to the intensive. Pray that neither one of us breaks under the pressure and gives up. (seems like we are both close) Pray for clarity in our minds. Pray for more positive influences for both of us, people who will encourage us. (my friends think I am nuts, her friends hate me) I am about to start back through the videos again. Hope to find more that I may have missed. She has made it clear that she is not reading or watching any of this. Not going to ask again. We are in the countdown now. Just over 3 weeks til the intensive. Please pray for some peace here.

 

 

It is very common for a wife to be cold and distant, then like a turtle, you will make her feel safe enough to poke her head up and test the water so to speak. it is very common for a wife to be very fearful and hyper-sensitive to everything you do or say that will remind her of something bad that happened before.

 

It can even be the case of her seeing how great you started to feel and not wanting to keep the warmth going because she is still very hurt and isn't going to just let it be "all good."

 

If she knows that you drank tonight this will cause such panic and fear in her that i would not be surprised if this was the icing on top of the cake that really shut her down. Your error is that you started thinking and focusing too much on you again. How you feel. To live with your wife in understanding, would entail understanding that she will have some days where it seems warm and other where she is very scared, hurt and angry. So for you to go drink because of how she made u feel rejected is a very big no no. A mature, Christlike man would understand why she is being cold again and take it as motivation to stay consistent in becoming a Christlike man.

 

I invite u to read my recent posts on my thread titled separated. I am going thru the same issues of turning towards a drink to "take the edge off" or "cope" with my feelings and life. However, if my husband was being a Christlike man i would be able to go to him for strength. I am still working on learning to run to my Father God even when my husband is being a poop head.

 

You are not alone in this. you will learn that there will be good days and bad days. Please get on the men's call, group calls and talk about what u are feeling and going thru. Thank you for being honest and transparent. I applaud you.

 

Be aware of the scripture Ephesians 4:26-27 . I replace anger with drinking or any other addictive quality, for u it would also be lust. Because once we dabble into the actual act of drinking, porn or rage we give the enemy a foothold to work in our lives to bring us to destruction. I suggest repenting and turn away from your drinking and rebuke satan's presence from your mind and your life, because by drinking you gave him access. I dont say this to make you feel bad or bring condemntaion. I am only trying to share what i know as the truth since i one, have felt similar to what ur wife is, two because i have experience with walking in and out of addictions not only with my self, but also my hubby and three, because i have a husband very similar to you when he first found this ministry.

 

Praying for your wife and the intensive!

Edited August 2, 2011 by jenisy

[Forrest Gump]

You guys are right. I see it, and believe it. Still, this is a hard transition. Just trying to stay strong and positive is as hard as anything else. I still feel crippled from this. My background, my family and my choices had always left me as a failure. The only thing in my life I ever considered myself successful at was being a good husband. And then I find that even that was only in contrast to the other guys we had to compare to. It's like falling off the only foothold you had on the mountain. But, I can see it working. Not nearly as fast as I would like, but there are enough positive changes to keep me moving forward. Thanks for the encouragement.

[Forrest Gump]

For those of you praying... I need to see a miracle. I think she is done. Says she can't go to the intensive. Scanned through the books, said they made her mad. She is having a hard time with the changes in me. Apparently, I am TOO nice and kind now. She can't accept me no matter what I am like. She wants to move out and stay with a friend. (a friend who hates me and has done nothing to encourage my wife in the marriage. Her marriage fell apart and was awful. I guess she wants to have more in common with my wife) I am doing "the stuff!" I have changed or at least addressed every single issue we know bothered my wife. She just refuses to give me any kind of chance. I told her that I can't give up... but not so sure now. 2 years of non-stop frustration, rejection and pain have about got me. I have cried to the point of a nose bleed twice this week. I can accept that this is my fault. I admit that I abused her in multiple ways, including sexual. I admit failing to meet her needs. I openly confess giving myself over to the influences of porn since I was about 6 years old. At this point I would confess to making Al Capone dissapear if I thought it would change anything.

My faith is shaken. My spirit is crushed. My body is sorely fatigued from 2 years with almost no sleep. I feel that I have lived my Christian life like a plow mule following a carrot on a stick. Always promised reward for effort, rarely see it happen. Terrified that it is just over. I have bet the farm on this ministry, mainly since nobody else has had ANY impact on me. This intensive was the "hail mary" pass that would either win it or end it. If there isn't some real healing in her, soon, I will lose her for good.

[Rebuilding Trust]

For those of you praying... I need to see a miracle. I think she is done. Says she can't go to the intensive. Scanned through the books, said they made her mad. She is having a hard time with the changes in me. Apparently, I am TOO nice and kind now. She can't accept me no matter what I am like. She wants to move out and stay with a friend. (a friend who hates me and has done nothing to encourage my wife in the marriage. Her marriage fell apart and was awful. I guess she wants to have more in common with my wife) I am doing "the stuff!" I have changed or at least addressed every single issue we know bothered my wife. She just refuses to give me any kind of chance. I told her that I can't give up... but not so sure now. 2 years of non-stop frustration, rejection and pain have about got me. I have cried to the point of a nose bleed twice this week. I can accept that this is my fault. I admit that I abused her in multiple ways, including sexual. I admit failing to meet her needs. I openly confess giving myself over to the influences of porn since I was about 6 years old. At this point I would confess to making Al Capone dissapear if I thought it would change anything.

My faith is shaken. My spirit is crushed. My body is sorely fatigued from 2 years with almost no sleep. I feel that I have lived my Christian life like a plow mule following a carrot on a stick. Always promised reward for effort, rarely see it happen. Terrified that it is just over. I have bet the farm on this ministry, mainly since nobody else has had ANY impact on me. This intensive was the "hail mary" pass that would either win it or end it. If there isn't some real healing in her, soon, I will lose her for good.

 

Your putting too much emphasis on the reward and not on your bride. So what if she pulled out of going to the intensive, this is just a temporary setback. The "hail mary" pass was deflected and is still in the air, figure out a way to go and get it before it hits the ground. The ball is still in play. I just saw a post from you very recently that you had a great day with your bride and even got to hold her hand. She is not done with you, she is just guarding her heart, she is scared and affraid of being hurt by you again. The only way she is going to gain enough trust in you is for you to HANG IN THERE NO MATTER WHAT it looks like on the outside to you, God is working on her from the inside....

[TimothyPaul]

Grim,

 

THis is a "tough love" post. I know you have been teetering on the brink of collapse, but I am going to hit you hard anyway, in the hopes that you will read my thoughts with an open mind. I do not want to bring you any closer to that spiraling doom, but if you have to go there to get to the other side, then so be it.

 

"I walk through the valley of death....." Notice, its a valley which means there is something on the other side.

 

Look man, what you are going through is normal. We all go through it. We think we are changing and from the outside, the world starts to see us change, and so we expect some type of response. But the truth is, you are not "changed". You have the head knowledge but it takes more then a month and a half for this knowledge to become part of your heart. Jesus lives in your heart, not your head.

 

To be a CHristlike man, you have two commands from God. To love God with all your heart, and to love your Wife as Christ loves the church.

 

SO lets dig into this a bit.... God gives us very clear direction on how to love.

 

Love is patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or

proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even noticfe when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, bu7t rejoices whenever truth wis out. If you love someone you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him. - 1 Cor 13:4-7

 

Okay, now here is the exercies you must do truthfully to see where you are on the "changed" scale. I want you to replace the word love and all its references with Grimstone.

 

 

Grimstone is patient and kind, Grimstone is never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Grimstone does not demand his own way. Grimstone is not irritable or touchy. Grimstone does not hold grudges and will hardly even noticfe when others do it wrong. Grimstone is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wis out. Grimstone is loyal to his wife no matter what the cost. Grimstone believes in her, Grimstone always expect the best of her, and Grimstone always stand his ground in defending of her.

 

From your post - you do not seem to stand the test of love. Do you see where I am going with this.

 

If you are truly changed, then you are Love. Christlike, unconditional, dying love. This is what going to the Cross means. And please don't get me wrong. I have been doing this a long time, and I can't put Tim in that passage and pass the test. I don't expect you to be there, I am just trying to show you the standards by which we are measured. And God will cover you with His grace when you fall a bit short. But the heart has to be there.

 

Now, here is the really cool thing. God knows you can do this. It is going to be a battle, but being a Christian, a true Christian, is like the salmon swimming upstream. Very few of those salmon ever make it to the spawning ground, but some do. You have the ability to make it. Gods has chosen you, to Glorify Him, by being one of those winning salmon.

 

So go back and read your post. Ask yourself these tough questions I have put before you. Challenge yourself to be different. To stand out in the crowd, and be that Man God knows you can be. It is going to be a very long arduos journey. You have only just begun. But know this...the reward God promises you at the end of this path is so much greater then all the pain and suffering you will go through. You have ETERNAL LIFE sitting right before you, yours just for the taking....

 

In His service...TimothyPaul

[Chrysallis]

Hey Grimstone,

 

I hear ya on the smoking and the drinking. What you have to try and put into perspective is that these are the tools of this world to self gratify. You need to surrender that what you are doing is trying to fill a void in your heart put there by God so that you would seek Him in these moments. I struggle from these vices as well but I understand what they are and when I am going down that path, I really pull back into God and realize that the only way to overcome these difficulties is by diving into agape loving my wife.

 

Thats where we can fill the void. Love you wife, I mean really agape love her, and you can get through this.

 

TimothyPaul

 

Someplace I read not to seek any comfort at all which was helpful to me

 

It is really hard Grimstone but just hang on. Please don't drink anymore, that will run the risk of upsetting your applecart