Forrest Gump Posted August 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 Where do I even start? Maybe the name? Stupid is as stupid does. Forrest was really only focused on where he was, not yesterday, not tomorrow. Only got upset when his "wife" or momma was in trouble. No pride or ego. Survived and even achieved a few big things just by doing what he was told. He was a lot of things I have never been.I am not going to have time to go very deep right now, but here's the basics. Joel and Kathy know what they are doing. My wife is the most amazing woman in the world. I am a knucklehead.Fifteen minutes into our private session, my world changed. It's gonna sound stupid to any reasonably healthy person. I had no idea I could just let things go. I have felt obligated to dig up hurts and pain from the past and carry them around with me. Looking for some kind of resolution, a way to fix them. I got this image of how I looked. I was standing there with a massive bag on my back, wrapped up in the biggest chains I have ever seen. It wasn't attached to me, just on my back, but I was holding the chains. I have never believed my wife was really letting things go, thought she was in denial. Didn't believe it was possible, or even an option. When Kathy informed me I could just let go, I did. I saw the chain slip out of my hand and the bag fell. All my wife wanted was a smile and I couldn't do it. Until that moment. Big changes started right then. I will get into details when I have more time. Just thought that the people out there praying needed to know what happened. Thank you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimothyPaul Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 Aren't those epiphany the most beautiful amazing things!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelandKathy Posted August 31, 2011 Report Share Posted August 31, 2011 We look forward to hearing from you two on the calls! Kathy and I were on Monday night from 10:15-4 am (forgetting that we were also going to be on Tuesday night!) - then on Tuesday from 10 pm - 1:30 am. Busy calls but did not hear from you two..  Trust you are doing great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forrest Gump Posted September 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 We look forward to hearing from you two on the calls! Kathy and I were on Monday night from 10:15-4 am (forgetting that we were also going to be on Tuesday night!) - then on Tuesday from 10 pm - 1:30 am. Busy calls but did not hear from you two..  Trust you are doing great! We are reading the books. She picked up "heart of a man" i started "good husband, great marriage." (amazing book, at least the 3rd best marriage book I have read so far...) We are talking more. She is still very angry at me and I still don't really seem to be able to make it better. We did have legitmate physical contact Wednesday night for the first time in almost 6 month. She is still not willing/able to be emotionally involved. I still have a long road to win back her heart and trust. Keep praying for her to be able to open up to me. And pray that I can really hear her heart. Don't seem to be so good at it yet. She did tell me that she was not going back to the lawyer, so that was big to me. I am still very positive, a lot more since the intensive. Will try to get on the calls, haven't been on one since we got back. Thanks again for all your help. Still smiling... mostly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelandKathy Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 You two want to get on the calls regularly. If you don't, them brain synapses are going to take back over. Stay on the calls! Stay coached! Sunshine will want and need the regular positive input too. ::love Congrats on the physical affection! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forrest Gump Posted September 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 Hey guys. Here's the latest. Still feeling positive, still working on the constant smile. We got on the Tuesday night call, might be the only night we can do together. It was good, heard her say a few things that were hard to hear, but at least she is being honest. We watched the 4th Shrek movie like Joel and Kathy suggested. Felt pretty stupid crying over AND getting coached by a cartoon ogre. Ogre, that was me. It was awesome. It was also hard watch anyone lose their family over a stupid decision and a bad attitude... just like I amost did. I am still struggling to have the right attitude and responses. Much better than a few months ago, but not where I need to be. She is still wavering between working it out and giving up. She is hurt very deeply. I still feel like I am failing her, like I just don't understand how to help her. I am not patient by nature, generally try to push things and "make it happen." This is really a challenge for me. I am learning to listen. Caught myself starting to argue or defend myself a few times over the last week and just didn't do it. I also wrote letters to her mother (deceased) and stepfather explaining how I failed her and asking for their forgiveness. Did the same for my parents since they see her as their daughter. This was something she told me I had to do during the intensive. It took a while, it was a lot harder to do than I thought it would be. The letter to her mother tore me up. She got that one a week ago, the others yesterday. No comment yet. Always wonder if I am making things better or worse when she doesn't say anything. I guess I trained her to be a "silent knight" through all those years. The next issue up for bids... relocation. We have a nice home in a good neighborhood. I have the best job I have ever had. She has the most stable job either of us ever had with insurance and a good salary. But, it felt like I was sliding into a rut the day after we got back from the intensive. Just walking back into routines and familiar areas made it feel like nothing changed at all. I don't think I am really hearing her heart very well yet, but there are 2 things I know I heard. She wants to quit her job and be home with the kids and she wants to live near the beach. So, I am exploring options to move us. Seems crazy give up the house and our jobs, but we have to survive this. Asking for prayer and maybe some ideas. You guys have been great through all this. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Looney_Tunes Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 If she is going to quit her job and you're going to move, you will have to do some serious planning together. It won't just happen, and if you don't plan it right she'll probably be forced to go back to work before too long. Start living on your income only, and use hers to pay off debt. If you two don't know how to bargain shop, get the best prices at the grocery store, cook from scratch, etc., start learning now. If you have an issue with shopping at thrift stores, get over it. Call a realtor and ask him/her to come out and look at your house - they should be able to give you an idea of how much you can list it for and what work you should do to get the best price. Â Are you two getting on the calls? I'm starting at 8pm eastern tonight, and the first hour is usually pretty slow. You wouldn't want to make me talk to myself, would you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forrest Gump Posted September 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 I got on late. Listened to someone struggling with their daughter for a while. Sorry I missed you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Looney_Tunes Posted September 13, 2011 Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 The call's still going on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelandKathy Posted September 21, 2011 Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 Hope you two got on tonights call. Kathy called your bride a few times but got voice mails. Tell her we said "hi"! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forrest Gump Posted September 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 Didn't get on. Her late nights at the gym and my early mornings make it hard even on the days when I remember. I am going to have to do it, even if she can't. Still reading as often as I can.She knows it's Kathy calling. She asked me who's number that was. I told her I contacted you guys and you were probably going to be checking on us from time to time. She didn't say anything else, not sure where it went from there. Her work email is the best way to catch her for the next 2 weeks while she is doing inventory. I really think she wants things to work out, but doesn't believe she can. She seems to be healing, letting me closer, talking more, even offering an occasional comment that is encouraging. Then she has moments where I can actually see her expression change and anger/fear comes over her. The first time I saw it happen was when I realized she had been molested as a child. She turned into a 6 year old in front of me, making a grimaced face and pulling back. Like a kid not wanting a spoonful of castor oil. It tore me up the first time I saw it. God has given me a few times since the intensive where I got to step into her world and see/feel something I didn't understand. Each time was awful. I am praying more for her now than ever. She is really protecting herself now. I guess she sees that this healing is possible but she is terrified. She is so close to trusting again and remembers what has happened before. This is obviously the most dangerous part of the whole process so far. I am praying that I get it right this time.She did read some of the heart of a man book this week, at least a few pages. I was nosy. Saw the book mark moved a few pages. She still needs some more positive influences. Thank you so much for trying to call her. I know you guys understand where she is right now. Again, a short email is probably the best way to catch her. Thank you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelandKathy Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 Send us her email addy at work.. send it to joelandkathy4@aol.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forrest Gump Posted September 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 27, 2011 Send us her email addy at work.. send it to joelandkathy4@aol.com Sorry, didn't realize she wasn't even in her office all week. They were replacing carpet. She was working another department, no email all week. Still very cold at home. I am really working to keep the attitude right. Not my best week. No tantrums or anything really stupid, just not impressive. Right now, I am all alone in this again. Not giving up, not backing off, but very tired. Keep getting hints that she is still in this, then pushed away by being told she can't do this. She just can't get past what we have been through. She can't heal or doesn't want to. My "soon-to-be-divorced" daughter is living with us now so I have 2 very unhappy women here. Sorry to sound so down. Had a hard week. A friend died, messed up my bank account and went broke again, daughter angry at me for being an overprotective dad. Keeping the attitude positive in front of her, doing the "stuff", but tortured inside. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelandKathy Posted September 28, 2011 Report Share Posted September 28, 2011 Kathy is very busy.. we are getting ready for the TV crew to get here this week. Would you ask Geri to give Kathy a call? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forrest Gump Posted September 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 28, 2011 Kathy is very busy.. we are getting ready for the TV crew to get here this week. Would you ask Geri to give Kathy a call?  I will ask her, but would be very surprised if she does. Thanks for the reply. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimothyPaul Posted September 30, 2011 Report Share Posted September 30, 2011 (edited) Right now, I am all alone in this again. Yikes!!!! - Do you think God has abandoned you!!!  As David would say, your not alone, your lonely.....  TP Edited September 30, 2011 by TimothyPaul Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forrest Gump Posted September 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 30, 2011 Yikes!!!! - Do you think God has abandoned you!!!  As David would say, your not alone, your lonely.....  TP That's kinda funny. Been wondering where you went.No, I know God has not abandoned me. But, she has pulled back so far now, we are back to the conditions before the intensive. I got on the calls Wednesday night, a lot of things started making sense that I had missed. The biggest thing was the statement, "the opposite of love is not hate, but apathy." Game changer just knowing that one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimothyPaul Posted September 30, 2011 Report Share Posted September 30, 2011 But, she has pulled back so far now, we are back to the conditions before the intensive. This happens - this is where you need to show her, you are not giving up. With God's armor, you are staying strong, determined, and steadfast. Make sure you look at every opportunity as a moment to grow. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.  "When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen.  "When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." God's Decree. "I'll turn things around for you. I'll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you"--God's Decree--"bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it. (Jer 29:11-14 MSG) When all kinds of trials and temptations crowd into your lives, my brothers, don't resent them as intruders, but welcome them as friends! Realize that they come to test your faith and to produce in you the quality of endurance. But let the process go on until that endurance is fully developed, and you will find you have become men of mature character with the right sort of independence. And if, in the process, any of you does not know how to meet any particular problem he only has to ask God - who gives generously to all men without making them feel foolish or guilty - and he may be quite sure that the necessary wisdom will be given to him. But he must first ask in sincere faith without secret doubts as to whether he really wants God's help or not. The man who trusts God, but with inward reservations, is like a wave of the sea, carried forward by the wind one moment and driven back the next. That sort of man cannot hope to receive anything from God, and the life of a man of divided loyalty will reveal instability at every turn. (Phillips)  Blessings....TimothyPaul Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forrest Gump Posted October 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2011 (edited) Hey guys. Looking for some prayers and maybe some hope this week. Don't even know where to start. Yes, I do feel abandoned. I know the facts. I have my faith. I am not giving up. I am doing the stuff with a good attitude, but... I feel lost again. She is utterly unresponsive to anything. She will not take my calls or respond to text messages with anything but yes or no short answers pretty much. She comes home from work, changes clothes and leaves again for the gym or her freind's house. Any attempt at contact is met with coldness or absolute rejection. It makes it much worse that I can't keep up with our bills and she can't have everything she wants. Even having a hard time buying gas the last 2 weeks. It is really rough here. There is a serious detachment with the whole family. I am not doing everything right. She seemed responsive enough to let me hug her about a week ago. The next night I tried again. She went cold. In, what I though was a gentle nudge, I lifted her arms to try puting them around me and she let them fall. It has gotten worse since that night. Prior to our intensive in August, "overwhelmed" was my primary feeling. It feels overwheming again. I am doing my best to keep the attitude straight in front of her and the kids, but it is crumbling. The closest thing to encouragement I have had was over a letter I wrote her. I told her that I finally understand how precious she really is and how I would be crazy to stop fighting for her. Two page letter that seemed to just flow out as I wrote it. She put it in the trash. When I took the trash out the next day it was gone. She had taken it back out. That was actually very encouraging. Other than that, she seems to be making a massive effort to show me that she wants nothing to do with me. "Thank you" or any other phrase that might imply she is concerned or interested has vanished from her conversations with me.Anyway. I haven't quit, but it seems to be even harder since the intensive. I guess I was hoping for a little more progress. Still reading. Getting on the calls, mostly listening, jumping in occasionally. I got encouraged hearing that the opposite of love is not hate but apathy. But apathy seems to be where she is now. I would love to figure out what else I could be doing to pull her back in. I know most of the guys who are active on here have it worse in some ways. Not looking for sympathy. Just feel like I am sitting at a dead end and don't know what to do. Edited October 6, 2011 by Forrest Gump Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KathyandJoel Posted October 7, 2011 Report Share Posted October 7, 2011 Hi there Forrest Gump, I had the pleasure of talking to you lovely wife tonight. Not alot was said, but this is what I want to encourage you in. Keep loving, keep the SUNSHINE SHINING. Live the life.  The JOY of the LORD is your strength. Don't be anxious for anything. Live you life and walk in love.  Find ways to be a blessing for her. Have F U N!  She is an outgoing, Fun loving, full of sunshine person. Add to her Sunshine! Add to her FUN! Find ways to make her smile. What are her dreams? What are some things she has wanted to do and has not had the blessing of being able to do? What is her favorite flower? Her favorite dinner? Dessert? Does she like foot rubs? Back rubs?  Dwell with understanding with her. Learn about her! Find out HER dreams and goals?  She didn't say to do any of this, I'm just giving you ideas to click ways to dwell on her. Kathy of Joel and Kathy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forrest Gump Posted October 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 7, 2011 (edited) Hi there Forrest Gump, I had the pleasure of talking to you lovely wife tonight. Not alot was said, but this is what I want to encourage you in. Keep loving, keep the SUNSHINE SHINING. Live the life.  The JOY of the LORD is your strength. Don't be anxious for anything. Live you life and walk in love.  Find ways to be a blessing for her. Have F U N!  She is an outgoing, Fun loving, full of sunshine person. Add to her Sunshine! Add to her FUN! Find ways to make her smile. What are her dreams? What are some things she has wanted to do and has not had the blessing of being able to do? What is her favorite flower? Her favorite dinner? Dessert? Does she like foot rubs? Back rubs?  Dwell with understanding with her. Learn about her! Find out HER dreams and goals?  She didn't say to do any of this, I'm just giving you ideas to click ways to dwell on her. Kathy of Joel and Kathy  I am honestly trying. She won't let me near her. She got really irritated tonight after you guys talked or texted or whatever it was. I am doing everything I can think to do. Maybe she is just fighting harder because she is scared that it might actually work. or maybe she really just hates me like she said, don't know right now. She will almost let her guard down for a day and then it gets worse for several days. Been like that since the intensive. She has no idea how bad I am hurting over this. She isn't seeing the ugly ogre that drove her to Florida. The smile is still an effort most days, but it is there. I am not dumping my needs or feelings or anything on her, not since Florida. I know I am still making mistakes, but she is fighting like hell right now to keep her distance. Anyway, I know the flower. Gerber daisy. Bought her six pots of them this week.Favorite dinner, all that changed with the diet and gym. No desserts, but she loves dark chocolate and Good n plentys, buy her a bag of each, every week. Been leaving a card, candy and a big scented candle for her every week, usually flowers, too. Won't ever say a word about them. No comments at all. She loves foot and back rubs, I have mastered the art. Love to do it. She will not let me touch her. Her dreams involved a home and a family. She wants to be home full time with her kids. I am getting my butt kicked financially. She won't quit until I can put at least a month of her salary in savings without needing it. Not looking good for that right now. Not making excuses, but this is where I am. If it was a checklist, which it's not, I would have it at least 90% every week since the intensive. The attitude is holding, at least in front of her. She just won't let herself give in. The hardest part is knowing that she is like this because of me. I crushed a perfect flower. But I am not giving up on her healing. Thanks for checking on her. Edited October 7, 2011 by Forrest Gump Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forrest Gump Posted October 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2011 We had a long talk last night. It would have been a very nice evening except for the fact she has a lawyer and very calmly informed me she is still going through with the divorce. She is amazed at the changes in me, admits that this is working to make me a better man, even offered some compliments and a little praise... but says she just can't do it. She can't be my wife anymore.We are having lunch in an hour. I have not been able to reach anyone by phone to help me process all this. Please pray for us. The lawyer has had the retainer check for a week. Don't know how far this has gone yet. I will probably find out at lunch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaryJane Posted October 19, 2011 Report Share Posted October 19, 2011 How did it go? Were you able to get on a conference call or talk to Joel yet? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forrest Gump Posted October 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2011 We had a very nice lunch. Except for that part where I ended up blubbering for a minute in the middle of the restaraunt, it was amazing. The divorce is going to happen. Already paid for, just waiting for the papers. She calmed my biggest fear, that she would just take the kids and leave. She assured me that was not her plan. This is just something she has to do. I accepted it yesterday, didn't really understand until today.She is still deeply hurt. By taking control and divorcing me, she has empowered herself again. She is completely in control, something she hasn't really had with me for a long time. She gets to make her own decisions. She gets to decide if she wants to start over with me and have the option to walk away if she doesn't. She gets to really know if I will chase after her or give up. She has earned my respect. I am very proud of her and told her that. She has honored me in the way she handled everything. She has given me respect and dignity by not just destoying me, even though she has the power to do it right now. I love her more than ever. We ended the lunch by agreeing to have a date to celebrate the divorce once it is all done. She gave me the first solid hug I have had in over 2 years.The part that is crushing me, is knowing that I have to step up even more now. I have to move out. I have to figure out how to get time with my kids, pay the bills for 2 houses, take care of her needs and win her heart while living somewhere else. I have taken pride in my abilities as a problem solver for my whole life. I have pulled off deals and projects that were called impossible. I can do this. My heart is crushed, my spirit is weak, my mind is spinning. But... I have never had a challenge more worthy of taking on than this one. My situation still seems insane to the few guys who know what is going on. I am making sure they understand that I am not the hero in this. She has been the strong one while I have been a complete jackass. But I want to be the hero. I did get to talk to Joel and Kathy, they know what is happening and told me to keep doing the good stuff.Thanks guys. I appreciate the prayers and encouragement. I still have those days where I feel abandoned and miserable. But I am getting to a place where my fears and feeling don't get to make the decisions. It sounds crazy, but I have more hope now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaryJane Posted October 19, 2011 Report Share Posted October 19, 2011 It sounds crazy, but I have more hope now.It does sound crazy, but now there's hope for a functional marriage, rather than a dysfunctional, ungodly one. It's all good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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