Where do I go from here?

[Forrest Gump]

It's getting harder to get on this forum and write the current events. Harder to get on the calls, too. Just not able to listen to anyone else's problems with all this going on. Life is beginning to feel overwhelming.

My wife is obviously in, at least, an emotional affair. My oldest daughter, who is living with us again, told my wife not to take me back. (she is living with us again. took over my basement, not paying bills, no job, eating everything, drives a turd car that I have spent over $400 and several days of my life to keep running this month, wants me to do everything for her and tells my wife to kick me out) She found the letter I wrote to my wife's deceased mother after the itensive. It was an apology letter, with the details, my wife wanted written. So, my daughter hates me and wants her mom to leave me. I am buried under so many bills and debts that bankruptcy looks like my only way out, and my wife will not even discuss the idea, or help me find a solution. My attorney told me not to do anything we decide if we are divorcing or not. Well, I am still fighting to save the marriage but have no idea what is going to happen. No papers, yet. I asked her not to do it and she will not make a decision. I am doing the stuff. Talked with Joel about where I am, he even said I was doing everything I can do.

27 months. That's how long I have been living in this limbo. Not even sure why I am writing all this right now. There is just enough hope left in me to keep moving forward, but emotionally I am about done. I seem to have one day of moderate encouragement a week, then six to break down whatever I got.

What I need is a solid, undeniable, unexplainable, massive miracle. Part of what got us here was my anger and bad attitude. Most of it developed while I was on staff with a church. During the incubation period of my attitude, I had several people pray over me or for me or with me with wrong motives. (over the course of 15-20 years) Manipulation, abuse, whatever. People recognizing a guy who wasn't afraid to work or fight. Had folks prophesy over me, several were obvious setups from controlling pastors using me to make things happen. Anyway. When I got REALLY angry, I told God to stop. I told him I couldn't take anyone else speaking lies into my life. I got very selective about who I would pray with or listen to. Well, now I am asking for it. I am asking God for miracles and prophesy, words of widom to direct me. Clear widsdom to save and direct my family. Miracles to fix things that I can't. So if you guys have something to tell me, I am listening. Don't just jump on a soapbox and get in my face unless you KNOW that God spoke to you about my situation. If he did, I am listening.

[betterman]

I do not have prophecy for you.

 

I do not know if I have encouragement for you.

 

I do know I love you Brother.

 

I do know God loves you.

 

Here is what God has given my heart maybe it is for you too:

 

Today our pastor is teaching on Positive Christian thinking from Phillipians 4:7-8

 

7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

 

 

I grab these verses and cling to them everyday:

 

Ephesians 5:25-28

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

 

Dear Lord, Lift my brother up and hold him in Your arms. Bless him in an undeniable way this week to affirm to him that You love him. Bless his wife in an undeniable way that you love her as well. Amen.

[Chrysallis]

I have been in my conundrum for 3 years. It is very difficult. However, he who sows in tears shall reap in joy, and I have this advice: Whatever your wife or daughter ask you to do for them, do it to the best of your resources, SWEETLY. Die to yourself, to the idea that they should treat you better, be more self sufficient, etc. just die to that, and do what they ask. Do not argue with them. Just be sweet.

 

After a time, it will get easier. A long time. After a time, you will feel gradually less (but not an absence) of pain. Think of things you can quietly do for them.. Forget what you are owed or that you deserve better and just struggle it through.

 

Don't give up, hang in there.

Edited November 16, 2011 by Chrysallis

[heartmd]

I just wanted to see if anyone could give me some advice. I recently attended an intensive with my wife. To make a long story short, a couple of months ago my wife cheated on me (likely because I was passive and a verbal abuser throughout our marriage). I then responded by cheating on her. We have two children and are both working toward keeping our marraige and family together. Yesterday, my wife told me that she feels like she has lost (or never had) an emotional connection with me. She claims she had a very strong emotional connection with the man she cheated on me with and feels like she has never had one like that with me. Being that I am a passive guy, these words deeply offended me and I have been depressed since she said this to me. Since the intensive, we have started to hold hands again and occasionally she will give me a peck on the lips. But she has stopped telling me she loves me despite me repeatedly telling her. I have been following Joel and Kathy's advice and giving her lots of hugs, smiles and kisses as well as showering her with compliments and words of love. I feel like I have changed immensely since returning from the intensive, but I feel like she doesn't care and she just wants out of the marriage. I think that over the past few weeks, I have realized what a great wife I have had all along. Now, I just don't want to lose her. I do realize that it may take time for her to heal but in the mean time, I am afraid that she will leavel. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.

[Charles from Cali]

I just wanted to see if anyone could give me some advice. I recently attended an intensive with my wife. To make a long story short, a couple of months ago my wife cheated on me (likely because I was passive and a verbal abuser throughout our marriage). I then responded by cheating on her. We have two children and are both working toward keeping our marraige and family together. Yesterday, my wife told me that she feels like she has lost (or never had) an emotional connection with me. She claims she had a very strong emotional connection with the man she cheated on me with and feels like she has never had one like that with me. Being that I am a passive guy, these words deeply offended me and I have been depressed since she said this to me. Since the intensive, we have started to hold hands again and occasionally she will give me a peck on the lips. But she has stopped telling me she loves me despite me repeatedly telling her. I have been following Joel and Kathy's advice and giving her lots of hugs, smiles and kisses as well as showering her with compliments and words of love. I feel like I have changed immensely since returning from the intensive, but I feel like she doesn't care and she just wants out of the marriage. I think that over the past few weeks, I have realized what a great wife I have had all along. Now, I just don't want to lose her. I do realize that it may take time for her to heal but in the mean time, I am afraid that she will leavel. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.

Hi...... Ok... I'm going to condense myself to try and help... I will put in a nutshell all that I have learned so far.... 1. You are the reason she had an affair and she never has to apologize to you because you caused it.. She only has to repent to

God. 2. You had an affair for payback .... Dude, that's like stabbing her again over the first scar you caused. You have to beg her for forgiveness and God. 3. STOP talking about this other guy.... Everytime you mention Him or your hurt.. You look weaker in her eyes and reinforces their connection. 4. When you get emotional, and start to act like a female..... Recite scriptures for strength over and over and over again... That is the only way to drown out the enemy... If you remain passive in this.. Believe me.... You will be stuck on the enemies radio station ... All day, everyday... And your wife will FEEL what you are tuned into ... The most popular song on that station seems to be... " I hurt so bad cuz she's so mean". Change the station . 5. You cant do anything about this other guy at all.... You can't bring him up, question or even question her about anything ( phone records, emails, where she was, who was she with, anything........ BECAUSE you gave away by your treatment of your wife.... Her reason to be accountable .. When you force her in any way, to control her or demand answers..... You are going to make this other guy look like a solid gold god.... Believe me... I am 2 months ahead of you... My wife thinks she is in love with this other guy... But the more I give her space and I die to self and love her WHERE SHE IS AT without any expectations... That's when you will start to see glimpses of hope... Believe this!!!!!! If your wife is a Christian.. God is already convicting her... You don't have a heaven or a hell to put her in... So just die... All of this is going to hurt... But your your pain is only .05% of the 100% you've Already put your wife through.... I hope this helped.... God bless... It's not easy... But atleast with God it is possible!!!!!!!!

Edited December 2, 2011 by Charles from Cali

[Forrest Gump]

Hey guys. I appreciate the situation and the advice, sorry for what you are up against. But, please don't hijack this thread. I am still deep in the middle of my situation, and it has turned south again. I need this kept open. If you read the "open this first" pages, it asks you to start you own and stay in it so you can maintain open conversations in one thread. Thanks

[TimothyPaul]

Forest. When J&K get back he canl cut the posts off your thread.

 

HeartMd. Go ahead n start ur own thread and Joel can move ur post.

[Forrest Gump]

OK folks, crunch time. Need a miracle and need help asap.

We had our 22nd anniversary on Saturday, it went really well. Bought her a ring, nice dinner out.

Great night except for confirming she had a boyfriend... at work. Rest of the weekend was tough.

I told her I knew but didn't care, doesn't change how I feel about her.

She agreed to quit her job and we have to leave this area asap. Now she is stressed about money and insurance. (we are pretty much broke) If she goes back to work, he is there and we are even more complicated. If she quits, we have to move fast. Already conceeded that we have to file bankruptcy, no real options there anyway. But, where do we go? I need a job, we need a house, etc. Feel like we need to be in the Daytona Beach / Palm Coast area just to be reasonably close to Joel and Kathy, their church and influences. My wife wants to be near the beach and stay home with her kids. That is what has to happen, and fast. Ideas?

[MaryJane]

But, where do we go? I need a job, we need a house, etc. Feel like we need to be in the Daytona Beach / Palm Coast area just to be reasonably close to Joel and Kathy, their church and influences. My wife wants to be near the beach and stay home with her kids. That is what has to happen, and fast. Ideas?

I'd say phone Joel and talk to him about it.

[Forrest Gump]

I'd say phone Joel and talk to him about it.

 

Already did. He knows all the details. Just hoping someone out there might have ideas we don't have. Thanks

[Forrest Gump]

So.... where do I start? First, there have been a lot of you guys praying for us over the last 8 months or so. Thank you. Some of you may have had your doubts about this ministry or the possibility that the teachings here are universal and will work for anyone... you can just let those concerns go. I haven't posted anything for 2 months, don't really have time right now, but going to anyway. Hang on for this ride.

December 9th was our 22nd anniversary. It was the best day we had together for months, until we got home. Took her out to dinner, actually danced together, had a great evening. That night, by accident, I confirmed that she had gotten caught up with a divorced predator she worked with. Suddenly, it was a very bad night. The weird part was that I actually had some peace, after confirming it. I had been in denial that it was possible. The next week was difficult. I decided that we had to move immediately. If we stayed there, 2 things were going to happen. I would lose my family and eventually I would become a monster again and go after the guy. We were already in very bad shape financially. 2 houses, lost the tenant on the rental in October. My hours had been short at work. Lost my studio. etc. We decided to file bankruptcy, sell whatever we could and get out. On december 31st, we rolled out of town in a rental truck with what was left and moved to Florida. Family intact. It has not been easy, still isn't. But God has proven himself to us over and over. We live 6 miles from Joel and Kathy. We see them every week. I am a legalshield associate now and work the business with Joel. Kathy has befriended my wife and they talk regularly. Things are very different than they were 2 months ago.

A few days ago, we had an incident. I had to confront her about keeping in touch with one of the people that I consider a threat to my family. It almost turned into a fight. She chose the family over the friends. The last 2 days have been like living a crazy dream. I can't believe this is real some days. We still have a lot to work through, I know that. I still have a lot of crap left in there to work out, she does, too. But we are together and working to stay that way.

Guys. Keep working the plan. Do not give up. Quit living with expectations of her. Love her, have big hope, but do it without expectations of reward or response. Just love her and don't expect anything from her. Give God room to work. Read the books, do the stuff.

[MaryJane]

Oh, wow! That was a close call!

 

Thank you so much for updating! Living so close to J&K and in weekly contact, should help both of you to keep forging ahead!

 

God bless!

[Forrest Gump]

Haven't posted anything for quite a while. I think you guys should know what is going on. This roller coaster ride has been going on for three long years now. August of 2009 was when I found out she was done with me. August of 2011 we made it to the intensive. As of this month, something new has happened. My wife has crossed a line. She is officially affectionate and seems truly happy again. I still feel like I have a long way left to go, but she is finally willing to trust me with her heart again. It almost seems surreal. She has still not read any of the books, never sat through a full video and ended up in a fight the one time I read a chapter to her out loud. But, we are close enough to Joel and Kathy to see them almost every week. They are not cutting me any slack. Kathy checks on both of us almost every day. Joel is still willing to get in my face when something doesn't seem right. I am still killing off stuff in me... And I keep finding more.

Just to encourage you guys who are wondering, this is the real deal. Not quick or easy, but it works. I spent two years searching for some counselor who could fix us. I frustrated some of them pretty badly. Most of my family still thinks I am crazy for this "extreme" theology and taking all the blame for where we ended up. But I really understand the parallel between marriage and salvation. It is not 50/50. Christ paid it all. He took responsibility for everything, paid the whole bill, loved us even when we were idiots who despised him, gave up his life and even his potential to do what was best for us. It's the only way. Just do it guys. Don't hold anything back. Give up your pride, selfish and egotistical ambitions and just love her. Love her without any expectations. Love her even when she hates you.

[4evrHZdtr3]

Thank you very much.. so encouraging!

[Looney_Tunes]

Awesome!

 

Wow, I remember when you first got here . . . you've done quite a bit of growing up! I'm so glad you stuck with it and didn't give up. I'm thinking your wife is too.

[Forrest Gump]

We have been walking at night, just the two of us. Almost every night for a month or two. Tonight, we were walking and holding hands. She said, thank you for not giving up. Just thought you guys might like to know. It has been a good week. Thank you for all the prayers and encouragement. There was a time, not very long ago, that I seriously wondered if we would survive. She still just smiles and says thanks, when I tell her I love her. But I am ok with that.

[Forrest Gump]

Time for another update. We are happier now than the first year together. We talk constantly. We call and text each other all through the day. She is happy again. I am happier that I have been in years. Can't thank you guys enough. There were so many times I didn't know what to do or say and you guys saved me. There is so much amazing advice buried in my story, so many times you guys kept me from doing something stupid. I have learned so much.

I don't think I will ever attempt to be a teacher or pastor. I don't see myself moving back that direction. I just want to keep going like we are. I want my family to be my priority. The effects of all this has already started impacting my friends and family. My wife told me I should be willing to encourage other men to keep working and growing. Amazing how few will listen to anything until those divorce papers show up. Kinda like me. I have been looking for a way to increase income for the long haul. Some people suggested blogging. We looked at it for a while and decided to give it a shot. They said to find something you are passionate about. I couldn't think of anything for a while, then all this came back to me. It has become a way to explain how stupid we get with our families. It has also been a way to promote Joel and Kathy. I am including links to their site in every second or third post. Hopefully you guys will have your hands full with more knuckleheads like me soon.

If you want to see more of my story, I am writing more every day or so. Since tactlessness is my strongest spiritual gift, it gets kinda corse sometimes. Thanks again for the encouragement. I am sure I will be back in here more often now. Here's the link...

http://erikmatlock.blogspot.com/?m=1

[Forrest Gump]

Still going strong. Getting better everyday. I am making an effort to encourage the other guys in my life to read and get on here. Not much response so far. If you guys are still on the fence, not sure if you should dive into this head first or not.... Just do it. Do it now. My wife is happier, my life is better, my family is stronger, my outlook is more positive, my world is a better place to be since I started this journey. Go to an intensive, make the effort. My marriage got MUCH worse for three months after ours, but it finally found its breaking point. And then it turned. Don't give up, don't get distracted. Keep fighting for your bride.

To the many mentors I found in here... Thank you for all you do. My kids still have both parents because of you.

[4evrHZdtr3]

Nice to hear a good report.. It is encouraging! God Bless....

[Forrest Gump]

Decided to review this thread. Just realized it started five years ago. Wow.

 

Want another update?

 

Things are great. Not fairy tale perfect, but we have grown so much closer and stronger. We understand each other. We are BOTH making the effort to please each other. She is fully engaged. We have moved past the recovery stage and are making fresh plans for our future. We now have our first grandchild and are enjoying the new changes at this point in our life.

 

The process works. Staying in the program, working through the hardest parts, learning to listen, abandoning the pride and giving up the resistance... It all added up to this moment. My marriage and family has been restored and is stronger than ever. I found the best home, job and life I have ever had during this pursuit.

 

Hang in there guys. Don't give up. You can do this.

[ChooseLove]

Thanks for the update Erik.  You have inspired be to keep fighting the good fight and not give up.  God bless you and the family brother.