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X dawg. it amazes me to see you still moving forward.

 

 

One time, it degenerated into two hour [edit] contest via text messaging...It was the longest conversation we've had in over a year. It was hurtful on both sides and it was an indicator of how badly she's been treated by me.

 

 

Ques, Is this something that happened recently? I hope that you don't go back and forth with her that causes more hurt. Everytime this happens you prove you are still not where you need to be for her to feel safe. If not just be aware. You are in our prayers

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It happened last wednesday night. She asked me to do something for her that would violate a boundary that I'd set up. It took me some time to answer the text wrestling with what to say and if to stand my ground with what I'd commited myself to. She was upset that I didn't give her an answer right away and then when I told her that I was no longer her errand boy and that this master/slave relationship had to die. Told her that I understood that she didn't respect me at all, because my behavior wasn't something should be respected. That my guilt/emotions were used against me in some pretty painful ways. I mentioned when she asked me to drive 20 miles to let her parent's dog out while she was on a date with someone the day after I moved out. This is when it really spiraled out of control. I brought up the fact that she had someone in her house a within a week of me leaving. I brought up what I'd found to support that claim. Her response in so many words "My bad, Whatever! I'd been wanting to move on for a long time. I wasted too much of my life and I have no regrets trying to find my TRUE love.". Basically she knows what she did and feels absolutely no remorse for it. In her eyes, I'm not even worth consideration when it comes to her life. If using my heart a leverage as a means to get what she wants, then so be it. Not sure if that's indifference or hate, but if that's her response to my treatment, then it was pretty dang horrible. I was tempted to respond with something about her love life recently and I almost did...A friend of mine talked me out of doing it. It wasn't because I was worried about how she felt at the time. I did end the conversation telling her that I hope she finds her true love, but no longer at my expence, and that I was the ONE but I chose me instead of her just like I did a few min prior. I told her I was sorry for that and that I won't do that again. I told her that I hope whoever he is doesn't make the same mistakes I did. The day after this happened I went to lunch with a female knowing I shouldn't have(I persued her). This is God's direct order here I violated and I was in actual physical pain from this one. I've pretty much been off from this one for a while. We had another issue where something in the settlement agreement was violated and I asked her not to let it happen again. The exact verbage was accusatory towards her and she responded with some choice language for me.

 

She's doing things now that seem like she pushing my buttions and she's wanting me to fight. Maybe to punish me, maybe to get me to react in order to justify how she feels about me, the least likley motive is to see if she can trust me and see if I've grown up at all. I've failed most every test she's thrown at me and done it with guns blazing. It's to the point now that winning her heart is a pipe dream. I just want to be able to communicate with her and act like an adult while doing it. This is all she wants from me right now and I'm choosing not to do what is needed to make this happen. Which is to forgive her, own the fact that this is my fault, and move forward from there. Instead, I'm still holding onto hurt feelings like some child and this is still going on. I can understand how my feelings toward her would hurt her considering my treatment of her when we were together.

 

I can see her thought process right now. "This guy hurt me over and over again. He destroyed my family, he put my children in harm's way, embarassed me, stalked me, acted like a child, lied to me and then had the nerve to try and apologize for what he's done when he's not even really sorry. If he knew what he's done he wouldn't even think about having any kind of anger toward me. He made miserable for 7 years and he's whining about me taking advantage of him? And to judge me for my life when he can't even manage his own?"

 

Somehow through all of this I still don't understand what I've done. I know what I've done is wrong, but have no real understanding of it.

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X-D wrote:

I just want to be able to communicate with her and act like an adult while doing it. This is all she wants from me right now and I'm choosing not to do what is needed to make this happen. Which is to forgive her, own the fact that this is my fault, and move forward from there. Instead, I'm still holding onto hurt feelings like some child and this is still going on. I can understand how my feelings toward her would hurt her considering my treatment of her when we were together.

 

So consciously choose to "act" like a mature adult would when you are talking with her. Stop acting like a child, repent, i.e. turn around and head in the mature adult direction for a while. If this is what she wants from you then doing that will be appreciated by her and I am sure it will. You need to realize that the divorce is simply the fruit of your attitude, behavior and character choices towards your wife in marriage. You have what you have paid for. However, the divorce is not the end, it is an event in time and you are still in relationship with her. In your own words nothing has really changed. So that means if you really lay your life down and love her in the ways that she will allow you to, you still have an opportunity to win her back. However, as of this moment you are stubbornly refusing to do that for selfish reasons; Die to Self!

 

X-D wrote:

Somehow through all of this I still don't understand what I've done. I know what I've done is wrong, but have no real understanding of it.

 

What do you mean?

 

You also wrote:

This guy hurt me over and over again. He destroyed my family, he put my children in harm's way, embarassed me, stalked me, acted like a child, lied to me

 

It seems to me that you have some understanding of what you have done, unless you don't understand why a woman wouldn't like to be hurt, destroyed, have her children put in harm's way, embarassed, stalked, put up with immaturity and lied to...again what do you mean when you say that you don't understand what you have done wrong????

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Because if I truly understood this on a heart level, I would act differently towards her. Kind, gentle and adult like are not words that she would use to describe me right now. I hope this clears things up a little...so, there isn't anything else to do other than do it!

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Because if I truly understood this on a heart level, I would act differently towards her. Kind, gentle and adult like are not words that she would use to describe me right now.

You are always the one in control of your behavior. Understanding or not, God calls us to obedience in what we know. You are very insightful both on what you believe to be her thought processes and your own resistance.

So....

What are you getting out of this attitude? Your payoff seems to be more powerful than your remorse over your digs at your ex. Kind of like your same pattern with the porn. The payoff was worth more than the pain of betraying your wife. Both are symptoms of that childlike attitude that you alluded to: selfishness.

 

Is it important that you get a handle on this?

Who pays the price of your entitlement to your bitterness and disgruntledness? Who benefits?

I just want to be able to communicate with her and act like an adult while doing it. This is all she wants from me right now and I'm choosing not to do what is needed to make this happen.

It is always your choice, but the consequences are felt by others as well.

 

This really is an on-going opportunity for you. God has brought you to this ministry not only for the opportunity for the restoration of your marriage, but for the opportunity for walking in the humility that would bring you to recognize the voice of the Spirit of God more often and put to death the demanding childish voice of the flesh or the "old man". Embracing this quest of Christlikeness will bring you greater satisfaction than any endeavor. Your relationships will take on completely different quality when you pursue being the giver and not the taker, and not just in gestures, but with a authentic heart to give. You are more authentic now than you seem to have been when you were secretly coddling your sin. Now, what about choosing to become authentically surrendered to God and abandoned to the control of His spirit?

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  • 4 weeks later...

It's been an interesting time for me. My ex-wife and I engaged in another argument last Monday night. She won an opportunity to do a special event for her work and asked me if I would watch the boys Wednesday night. I told her I wasn't going to. She said "It's because you don't want to, do you?" I came up with some half hearted excuse as to why I wouldn't help her out. She sent a text shortly afterward saying "It must feel good to still control so much of my life!" "you're still a selfish a----hole!".

 

 

 

Instead of owning it I used this as an opportunity to remind her of things that happened a year ago. Things that I haven't forgiven her for. Even after doing all of that I still didn't feel any better. I knew I was wrong in doing that, I knew that this wasn't the way I should have handled the situation. I was so worried about her motives and whether or not she was telling me the truth. I was more concerned about my expectations not being met than helping someone who I claim to love. Instead of wanting to spend time with my children, who desperately need me right now, I saw it as a way to make her life more difficult. This was the same type of arguing we engaged in while we were married. I would do this stuff just to satisfy my own anger and resentment, but it would never go away after acting out on it. It would just subside and wait for another opportunity to lash out at her. I chose not to die to that...

 

 

 

I texted UT and told him what happened...His reply "Had enough yet?". I eventually came to my senses and tried to call her to apologize. I was scared to death to do this, due to my inability to communicate with her, but I wanted to try. She didn't answer her phone. I sent her a text asking her if it would be OK if I called her to apologize, but I understood if that wasn't possible. Much to my suprise she called me within 30 seconds of sending that text. Her first words were"What do you want to apologize for?" I told her several things and please bare with me because this isn't something I'm used to doing. I fumbled around pretty badly while doing this and told her that I shouldn't have brought up what happened in the past. She agreed with me and told me that she has 8 years and that it's water under the bridge for her. Even the stuff that I told her when I came clean didn't bother her anymore, and didn't really bother her at the time of my confession either. Had she felt anything for me, she probably would have been furious and hurt but she was more angry at herself because she didn't see it. She told me that she felt like I was punishing her for what's happened.

 

 

 

She told me that she's not doing things now that she was doing last summer. I asked her, "do you understand why I would think that?". She agreed with me and reassured me that she's not doing that anymore. She also told me that she did take advantage of me and that I made it too easy for her, but I have to stop putting that resentment on her. I told her that I felt that she's still resenting me as well. I told her that I'm working through this stuff and I was wrong. She said "we've got to stop resenting each other for the kids" I totally agreed with her there. She's not the type of person to apologize outright but she did in so many words. I told her that I'd love to have the boys Wednesday night and that I was sorry for not seeing that she busted her tail to earn this opportunity and that I tried to keep her from enjoying it.

 

 

 

Since that night, I can feel that bitterness leaving me. I'm feeling something different for her that I haven't felt in a while if ever. Maybe it's love, maybe it's not. I feel an attraction to HER, not her body, not her beautiful blue eyes, not the things she can do well(which is pretty much everything), but just her. I feel like I'm on level ground with her as a person. She's been sharing things with me again and I'm finding the courage to actually speak to her. I can actually smile at her and it's actually a real smile.

 

 

 

I feel more confident in who I am. I've been reading that list of who I am in Christ nightly. I'm praying for things expectantly. I'm asking God to help me receive the gift of His love and truth. I'm asking Him to help me love those closest to me. To give that gift without reservation. I have a difficult time receiving them due to my own performance orientation, but I'm asking God to help me there and He is doing so. I'm starting to believe that I'm loved for who I am and that I don't have to strive for love. I already have it. I'm loved completely. I'm back in that place of not really knowing who I am and it's uncomfortable and I'm fighting this urge to hide and go back into my shell. It's the unknown that makes me uneasy. I felt God saying last week "It's now time for you to step into who you are.". I have no idea what that looks like and yes there is some trepidation as to whether or not she'll find this compelling enough to give her heart to, but I was never intended to live hidden away from the world.

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XDAWG,

 

I want to affirm you in your growth in Christ. Your quick repentance from the selfish hurtful attitude about caring for the kids and your apology opened up a space for communication. God honors our hearing the voice of the Spirit and Doing it. ::clap ::clap ::clap ::clap

 

I am just soooooo convinced that all that you continue to pursue in your spiritual life will pay back big dividends. The legacy you leave your children as a mature man of God, sowing into their lives will continue on into the next generation. You will be able to admit your faults as a man and to identify those areas in which you have purposed to change in order to regain the real you: God's precious and beloved son, not XDAWG, but insert your real name. He called you then and you heard His voice. He continues to call you now to commune with Him and receive His love, His understanding, His wisdom, His strength and all that He has set aside for you.

 

You growth also will continue to contibute to the healing of you and of your ex-wife. Two healed adults will have a much better go of being able to create a loving enviornment for the benefit and nurturing of your boys. Hallelujah, Lord.

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Thanks for the encouragement. It's really needed right now. I've been hit with all kinds of lies the past few days. It's like I'm on a beach and the enemy is firing away at me with a machine gun. Every single lie that I've ever believed has been and is still being used against me and I can't pray them to the cross fast enough. I must be headed in the right direction if I'm facing this much resistance. The hope of restoration of my marriage is fading, but it doesn't mean that I can't treat my ex wife well and actually live life to the full.

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525,600 minutes...the number of times the second hand makes a complete turn in one year. This time last year every single one of my worst fears visited me all at once it seemed. July 4 weekend had to have been some of the darkest days in my life. I'd moved out of my marital home, was without employment and my wife at the time had started a new relationship. It was like an atomic bomb of pain and misery was dropped on me. It was like death had covered me and was choking the life from me. If there was hope, I didn't see it. My entire world was rocked...

 

But God, in His infinite grace and wisdom had friends there for me to hear me and just be there for me when all seemed lost. They continually listened and spoke Truth into my life. They were that Love with skin on that Christ calls us to be. I'm positive that there were more people praying for me and my family than I realize and they made all the difference in what was happening at that time. I look back now and see how God literally held me together. There is NO way I could have walked through that and live without Him. To me that's what David was talking about when he spoke of walking through the valley of the shadow of death. But He was with me.

 

Now, I'm a different man. I'm still growing and I still love my ex wife, deeply. I still want to see my family restored, but I understand if this couldn't happen as well. Love is giving others the choice. I can only be who He made me to be. I can choose to be kind and respectful to her and treat her like a human. After all, isn't that what Christ did? He gave people viewed as something less their humanity back. This is something that I've never done for her. She was either a god to me or something less than human. Never just K..My wife, my friend, my companion. Someone who I was supposed to lift up and support when she needed it and walk the rest of my days with. What's cool is that I can still do this whether or not we're married anymore. Now my opportunities are severely limited, but I still can when I choose to hear her and God. I can still pursue a relationship with my ex wife. It may not be a marriage, but we can still have a healthy relationship.

 

But, this year was totally different. Yes there was some pain and heartache this weekend. I suppose this is part of the grieving process but I felt it the pain, let it wash, express it how it needed to be expressed and allow God to heal that place. I had a wonderful time with my boys and really had some great memories. I heard my oldest sing for the first time in a long time this weekend and it was the most beautiful thing I've heard in a long time. It touched my heart just to hear the sweetness in how he sang. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. I'm so blessed.

 

I'd like to say thank you to UndyingTrust, ForHimForHer, Dory, Jeff, Nemo, firewalker, Abagail, Kay, Celia, and GMS. Thank all of you for your prayers, encouragement, patience and counsel. It's starting to sink in finally...Of all of those minutes, not one second was spent without Christ's love holding me up.

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X-D wrote:

Of all of those minutes, not one second was spent without Christ's love holding me up

 

Amen and AMEN! He will never fail or forsake you! Hebrews 13:5...

 

May the Lord continue to pour His life and love out in you and through you to make you more like Him.

 

Bless you brother!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm having a difficult time right now dealing with the fact that my ex's boyfriend is spending a lot of time around the house and my children. I'm also having a difficult time of accepting the fact that from all appearances and from what I know of the guy, she's gone exactly opposite from what I am and a huge step down from who I thought she would go for. I'm fighting my own pride here as well(yes, I see myself as an infinitely better option that this guy). But if I were such a prize we'd still be married. It's like she just latched onto the first guy willing to commit to her that wasn't me. I know, I'm going to drive myself crazy if I don't stop thinking about it or him.

 

 

It's a difficult pill to swallow that I totally killed my wife's heart. She has nothing left for me anymore. I fight the urge to tell her I love her and I miss her all the time. I would love to tell her that, but that would only do more damage to her. I can only love her in the ways she's allowing me to. I can smile when I see her. I can speak kindly to her. I can joke with her when I'm not dumbfounded for words around her. I can be a great dad to our children. I'm never really given an opportunity to share anything about me, nor does she share anything in her life with me either.

 

It's a difficult thing to face the reality that I will never live in the same house with the bride of my youth and my boys ever again. I wish I didn't have to answer the question "Daddy, do you want to live with mommy again?" and hear the heartbreak in his voice. But this is what happens when death is sown into a family. She gave me her most precious gift and trusted me with her life. I took that gift, threw it on the ground and stepped all over it right in front of her eyes and laughed the entire time it was happening. You can't expect anyone to recover from that. My actions may seem lesser than many here, but the pain they caused was great enough to kill anything she had left for me.

 

I'll still keep walking toward Him and pray that somehow she'll meet me on the way there and we can then walk together again.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Not much has changed in terms of my relationship with my ex wife. If anything, it's gotten progressively worse at least from my perspective. Many of the dynamics of our relationship are still in effect even in our divorce. Neither party would communicate with the other as to what was going on. Basically we'd stick our heads in the sand hoping the other would address it and the problem would be no more. More times than not, the problem would then become so big, it was too late at that point. Much like our marriage as a whole. I didn't care enough about her to let her in to help with something that might effect her. I was afraid of my own bruised ego there.

 

She doesn't want me to persue her, but she's still resentful if I persue my own healing. She wants me to be a good father, but seems resentful for making efforts to be involved with my children. I'm no longer allowed around the house and I'm further away from her life than ever, but she is still resentful toward me. I'm becoming a better man and making improvements to my own life without sacrificing my commitments to her and the boys. I'm managing my life a little better. She's found someone and he's spending a lot of time with her and my children. He's meeting whatever needs she has right now. I'm still single. I can still feel that resentment toward me. I guess it's that dammed if you do, dammed if you don't right now. I have been removed from her life as much as possible and she still hates me. When I apologize, I can almost hear her eyes rolling. I feel like I'm constantly being mocked by her. I know, self pity here. It's frustrating. I'm a different man than I was a year ago. There's still much that has to die. I know this, but it would be nice for her to see me as something different. Or at least know she does...deep breath and focusing again on the Cross

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  • 1 month later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Keep working and trusting. I am praying for you, your children, and your ex. I will even throw in a prayer for her boyfriend, that if his intentions are not godly and in the best interest of your ex and your children, that it will be made known sooner than later so as to not further injure her heart.

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  • 4 weeks later...

X-D: I am praying for you and the children do come first. It is difficult, but you have to protect them even if it means upsetting your ex. May the Lord Jesus bless you with wisdom to walk this out with humility and strength.

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Just wanted to post an update as to what is going on in my life. If it seems a little scattered, it's just I'm really excited about what's happening in my life right now.

 

I've been attending Life Skills in Atlanta for 5 weeks now and it's been a real eye opener. Much of the material has been review for me but the stuff that hasn't was really shocking and helped me identify more of the insanity of my own life.

 

I finally came to the place of why I've been fighting for my marriage and why much of the situation hasn't changed. My pride...I couldn't stand the fact that I lost her and I'm not sure that I really ever had her in the first place. We had a piece of paper that made us husband and wife but never any real relationship.

 

Throughout my life there has been this particular scene that would play itself out in my head from time to time and it's been one that has stuck with me throughout my life. It's disgusting and vile and leads me to believe that I was molested in a very early age. I'm not sure who did it but it was like a bad movie that was on permanent replay. I finally talked about it with my counselor months ago and got it out into the open. Well last night The Lord reminded me that the scene isn't on auto play anymore. I actually had to think about it to remember it. I take this as a sign of HEALING!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Today was the first day I could remember ever being excited about leaving work to get to my boys! I used to dread those days somewhat, but now it's something totally different. I can't wait for 5pm to roll around to get to my kids and be with them. THIS IS AWESOME!!!!!! MORE HEALING!!!!

 

Sometimes when I felt like I was losing control of a situation with my children I would act out in anger towards them. Tonight one of those situations played itself out and my usual reaction would be to grab my oldest son's arm rather forcefully and speak angrily to him. I started with the arm grab, but the very moment I made contact with him and he looked at me, I immediately stopped!!! I actually stopped myself from doing something abusive and did something loving. Instead of wrapping my fingers around his arm, I just touched him and lovingly said his name. Right on the edge of acting in anger, I turned it off and did something different. I can't believe it!!!! HEALING for him and me.

 

I don't know exactly how I feel about my ex. I know I love her because she is the mother of my children...besides that I'm not sure. But I do know I love my Lord, my children and my friends. My life is found in those things and to keep pursuing those relationships. How I truly feel about her will reveal itself in time and I'll act on that if/when the time comes.

 

I'm really starting to love my life. It's never been richer. I'm walking closer than ever with my Lord. I've been blessed with true friends who truly love me and a wonderful family helping me through this. I'm doing things now that are healthy for me. I'm pursuing my own heart as UT puts it. The worst thing that could have ever happened to me was the thing that saved my life and the lives of my two wonderful boys. I'm pursuing the things that cause my heart to be met by Him.

 

Much of the fear that has paralyzed me is now melting away. The anxiety of being found out is leaving. I'm becoming OK with being me and knowing that if my ex and I never come together, it's OK. I'm still loved. Eventually, the one who I will meet and the one that will meet me will be there. We'll knock each others socks off...as my counselor puts it.

 

When I make mistakes, it doesn't stick with me like it used to. I now feel free to enjoy my life without any guilt. God gave me the gift of my life to enjoy it and share it with those I love.

 

If anyone here has the opportunity, I'd encourage them to attend Life Skills. It's been a huge blessing and works perfectly with what goes on in this ministry. I'd also encourage all the men on here to keep going after what The Lord has before them, you will be met, you will be healed and your heart will be kept well by Him.

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  • 5 weeks later...

Last night my ex wife informed me that she has now remarried.

 

After processing some of this stuff. I'm starting to feel a little better about what happened. Of course, I was distraught in the beginning and very hurt. Whatever kind of hope was still there was crushed. I felt the rejection and helplessness in a huge way. I was heartbroken last night. I felt helpless to all that was going on around me. I felt fear for my children and what they're going through. God kept reminding me of what He's spoken to me over and over again regarding them and how He's protecting them. I knew when I started the legal process that the possibility of her running into marriage was very real. Much of what had been speaking to me through Scripture had been preparing me for something. Things my counselor had been speaking to me were preparing me for something unpleasent, but was necessary. So He was proactive in preparing me for this moment to hold me and my heart together. It sucked to go through this, but there is some kind of finality to all of this. The thing that began 18 months ago has finally ended. Now it's not the way I wanted it to end, but there is now a finality to it all. 18 months of my worst fears coming to my doorstep are now over. It's been one wave after another hitting me and I feel like last night was the last one for the season. I could be wrong though. I struggled with second guessing and guilt that somehow I played a part in what just happened. I didn't this time. She chose this and I'm not responsible for her from this day forward. This part of my old life is now dead. The encouraging thing is I'm still alive. I still have life and I'm being met like never before and knowing a love like never before. Of course, I would have loved to see my family restored and walk the rest of my days with her, but that's not what's in store for me.

 

 

Now comes the question as to what's next in my life. That goal no matter how small has been removed from me. The idol that I've been dragging around has been left at the cross and now a whole new world is out there for me without that anchor. I am no longer tied to that and no longer chasing ghosts. I can now pursue other things in my life without guilt or having to hold back anymore. That hope in restoration also kept me from going fully into who I am. I had this fear that if I moved too far ahead, she'd never be able to catch up and the chance of my family ever coming back together would never happen. That's insanity...not going where I'm being asked to go with the promise I'll be met out of fear that the thing I still want won't be there anymore. I'd walk a few steps, stop, take a look back to see her right where she is unmoved, take a few more steps, look, etc...That need to look back is no longer there and forward is the only direction to go. The unknown of it all is a bit overwhelming and where all of this will take me is scary.

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Hi X-D.

 

You wrote:

 

...has finally ended.

 

No it hasn't. It's just that you won't get your wife back. That's her choice.....BUT it is still the result of your own mess ups.....BUT God knows your heart and the immense changes you've made. You already know that He honors you for that.

 

She is still the mother of your only sons. Everything you do now is for them. They are still very young, and their brains and neural pathways are very plastic. Your boys need to see you treating their mother well, EVEN THOUGH she has moved on in this way.

 

Remember, you are the man, the father, and you have a greater responsibility to role model what's right. Treating your boys' mother well, to the extent that you can, now that she's remarried, is NOT condoning her behavior. How you will convey, without words, that what she's done is not quite right, is that you will not do the same to them. You will not dilute the time and attention away from them with distractions that do not serve your boys. If their mother is more at peace, then that does serve them too.

 

Do not retreat away from doing what's right in the wake of this disappointment. They will need you even more now. Be their rock. You are their Godly father.

 

That which I write is a very, very tall order for a man who caused this situation in the first place. (You are not that same man any longer, however.)

 

Can you commit to this?

 

Love and truth, peace and forgiveness,

Abigail

 

PS: Have you been reading the threads of some of the other men in your situation? Ulysee comes to mind. Also, please read firewalker's and Pure In Heart's stuff. I think all of the above may help you to keep allowing yourself to be drawn towards what's true and right.

 

Firewalker once wrote: "If you are going to fail, then fail magnificently."

 

Right now, your wife's remarriage feels like failure....but it's actually not....as long as you keep growing and changing.....for your boys.....for God....for the Kingdom. There are ripple effects known and unknown.

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I'm still committed to being a good father to my children. I'm still committed to treating her well and respectfully. To not hurt her anymore. I'm committed to following Him and all that entails for the rest of my life. I'm committed to finding the life that's still hidden with Him. I am committed to seeing this to the end. Acts 20:24 has become my battle cry as of late...

 

"But none of these things move me; neither do I esteem my life dear to myself, if only I may finish my course with joy and the ministry which I have obtained from [which was entrusted to me by] the Lord Jesus, faithfully to attest to the good news (Gospel) of God's grace (His unmerited favor, spiritual blessing, and mercy)."

 

I don't view this event as a total failure. As far as that part of my life yes, I failed. I failed as a husband and a father for so many years. But I've withstood some serious blows personally and some of them nearly fatal. I was covered with more Grace than I could have ever realized. There has been successful change in me as a man and as a father. That battle is being won, little by little. I'm being given the honor to pour my life into others through various ministries. I'm giving my children time they've never had with me before and interacting with them in ways I never thought I could. As I do these things my capacity for intimacy with The Lord is growing. For all the good that's taken place, I can't imagine ever going back.

 

I began this walk with the sole intention of winning my wife's heart back. Thinking if I won her heart again, I could regain my life that I had thrown away by getting her back. So I wouldn't have to feel the pain of the seperation and divorce anymore. The strange thing is that I'm winning back my own heart now. I couldn't see it at the time and even though I was certain I was living in hell on earth, I was slowly and painfully growing into who I was always supposed to be.

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Quick post of encouragement for the guys on here seeking to be reconciled to the bride of their youth...

For those of you who have just started, it will feel like trying to drink from a fire hydrant and you will feel totally unequipped and unprepared for what you’re about to face. Keep in mind it’s no accident that you found this ministry and you have all you need for such a time as this. His grace will cover you and keep you secure even in the midst of what may seem like Hell. It’s the shock of death and it will subside. Just remember to put one foot in front of the other and keep walking. It will get better. You’re learning what it means to live life at the foot of the cross. You will make mistakes, this is something totally foreign and it takes time to get this stuff.

 

 

 

To those of you that have been in this fight for a while…Keep swinging gentlemen. The cost you’ve paid has been great and at times more than you thought you’d be willing to or be able to pay. You are sowing so much life right now and you will reap so much more than what you’ve given. You will see things you never thought you'd see.

 

My very brief story. The whole version is within this thread...

 

I came to this ministry two years ago with no clue and thinking that if I did these things I would be able to get back to normal life again in a short time. I had no clue of how deeply I hurt my wife at the time. I also thought I could save myself from the pain of a separation and divorce if I did this and we'd live happily ever after. I was looking for a quick fix, not a long term solution for my life. I thought 6 months and we'd be back on the road. That wasn't the path I walked. I had to walk through every nightmare scenario a man can think of including divorce and seeing the one that I pursued for 2 years remarry in November of this year...Bad Ending right?

 

It's not the case at all. My ex wife is divorcing her current husband and although I cant pursue her now, she has just come to a point to where she can trust me at all. For two years this woman had the Great Wall of China around her and I had no insight into her anymore. I couldn't speak or write to her family or be a part of anything in her life. I was lucky to speak to her for more than 30 seconds on the phone, if she called me at all. We've spoken at least an hour one night a week and it's not about anything to do with us getting back together. She's made it clear that she doesn't want that. I know it's not the right time. But those conversations are about 45 min of her just sharing about her job, the move into her new place or info about our two children. My 15 min is me agreeing with her, encouraging her and validating what she's feeling. I never knew that's all I had to do. Just give her the space and freedom to share.

 

My oldest son is going to camp for 2 weeks and I was given the space to join her and her family to drop him off and pick him up from camp. I think she did this because she trusts me and to maybe show her parents that I have changed too. I think much of what happened was her testing me to see if she really could trust the change. I don't think it was a conscious thing. She fired both barrels at me in an attempt to blow the relationship up to see if I would respond and abuse her. It took all of this just to begin to trust me again. To be honest all of this was worth it even if it stays at this point right now. To have any kind of reconciliation is nothing short of a miracle.

 

The helpers her know what they are doing. Listen to what they say. Joel and Kathy know what they are doing listen to what they say. Your Lord knows what he is doing listen to what He says. This battle can only be won at the foot of the cross.

 

God Bless Yall,

XDAWG_15

Edited by XDAWG_15
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