Going for the GOLD!!!

[Looney_Tunes]

Start brainstorming as well . . . IF he sends the letter and tells you he wants the marriage, what else are you going to ask him to do? There may be some one-time things, but most of them should be things that he needs to do consistently over time. He needs to understand that he will not be coming back after doing them 2 or 3 times, but that you need to see a pattern of dying to self and doing what needs to be done in order to change.

[1love]

Ok, I had to go help #2 son package the meat from the 2 pigs that he and J slaughtered yesterday.

 

I don't have much time here, but I have been doing a lot of thinking while packaging that meat. I have knots in my stomach. While getting back on here, it came to me that he can access his "good" email account at work so getting that to me should not be an issue.

 

I had told him before leaving from the intensive that if this ever came up again that I was through.....or he was paying to have J & K come to us, or we would be going back to them.

 

I think it was yesterday morning I asked him, if I didn't hold to that consequence that was laid out plainly then, what does that do to my credibility. My words would mean nothing. He said that was not the case. I accepted it then, for then but was still pondering. I guess maybe I feel somewhat like I was "under his spell" so-to-speak while he was here.

 

He leaves for work, I get on here, and with time my thoughts change. I still am so confused.

 

I don't know if anyone will see this in time to respond before tonight's call. Would it be good to be on the call when I tell him not to come home?

[IcePrincess]

Yes.

[Looney_Tunes]

Yes, you should be on the call. I'll give Steve & Julie a heads up.

[1love]

Thank you.

[1love]

Ok, I hope you get this. I have talked with J & K, and we have come up with a different plan. He will be permitted to come home tomorrow night. They totally understood your stance but are taking a different route.

[1love]

Today has been a VERY good day. I was up and at my chiropractor appt at 8:45. Then I went to my mother's and visited with an out-of-state sister and brother-in-law for an hour. The I got on the road to met Crystal.

 

We had a very good lunch....although when the waitress came the first time to see how the food was I had not even taken a bite yet as I had been talking. The food was good and the fellowship with my new friend was wonderful.

 

Thank you for a wonderful time, Crystal!

[1love]

Baby, it's cold outside!!!!

 

I am SO glad that Crystal and I got together on Friday. It surely would not be happening today.

 

I finally finished reading through the rest of my thread. All I can say is, Lord, please forgive me for not hearing Your voice. It was quite an eye-opener to read and match dates with the secret emails. This actually would correspond with his reactivating the account in mid-March, his searching for and finding his profile still there available, his successful contact with that service to remove his profile as he did not want it out there at the end of March. For what was there to be seen anyway, that account then sat dormant until mid-May.

 

In reading, I found a "bump in the road" in March. Mid-May sees us on his continual rollercoaster which pretty much parallels his activity in the two accounts. Of course, I am quite certain that there was messenger, text, phone, etc. contact that I do not have access to for comparison. It really doesn't matter at this point.

 

He had forgotten that I would be home alone Friday night waiting for him. For whatever reason he had in his mind that #3 daughter would be home with me. It had never even been suggested. He stayed over after work to make a piece for #3 son to go on the tractor. He had contacted me to say he was doing this. In conversation after his leaving, is when it hit him that I was home alone. He wouldn't have stayed if he had realized that.

 

He picked pizza up on the way home for supper rather than our going out. That was preferable to our getting out at 8pm. It was much better all the way around....once Pizza Hut finally realized that our order was actually sitting there ready for pick-up rather than just coming out of the oven....he had to wait around 5 minutes for something that was already there! He wasn't too pleased with that.

 

We talked a lot over supper....or maybe "I" talked a lot. One main thing that came up from his side is his resistance to accept correction from me. I have mentioned that here before. In fact, at one point he got up and walked off to the kitchen because I made a corrective comment. He finally accepted, for the moment anyway, that my pointing things out is to spur him on to Christlike-ness and is not condemnation.

 

All in all we had a good night.

 

Saturday he focused for the most part on writing and posting his apology letter. He had other things on his list to do. Some of that we were able to get #2 son to take care of before coming home with 2 of his siblings. There were still 3 of them to make it home. #3 son was working on my sister's mower. Why that had to be done when a snow storm is expected to hit I do not know. It is done though. They made it home.

 

Sunday services were cancelled by noon on Saturday. J felt like he needed to get to the weekday house on Saturday to ensure that he made it in and hopefully be able to make it to work today.

 

But there is still this letter that isn't posted yet! And there was this couples' call that we were to be on at 8pm! Percipitation had not begun; he checked the hourly forecast and decided that an early start on Sunday would be acceptable.

 

The call went really well. There was one thing that Joel said was a "HAVE TO" that has caused some negative emotions on my part. I know what he says is true and am willingly following his words. Here's the scoop: I did not plan on going to the weekday house until after my appointment on the morning of the 13th. #3 son is home from college, and this is his last week. Now, on Saturday night I am thrown into having to come up here early Sunday morning.

 

I was dealing with it okay. I really am okay with this. But when we finally got on the road at 9:30am (we had to get things together and loaded, and have "church" at home along with giving strict cautions about not being outside in the weather), I wasn't doing too well with the idea. We should have left earlier as the snow was really coming down.

 

I felt very uncomfortable with the road condition. I finally told him something to this effect: Our children better not become orphans on this trip because right now, if that happened, I don't know that I would make it to heaven!" He asked why. Because of resentment. Of me? Yes!  I resent HAVING to be out on this road, leaving our children at home alone in this, to go babysit you because you won't grow-up and leave all the other women alone!

 

I do not want these feelings. This really could be such a romantic week.....if I didn't have those feelings. Imagine being snowed-in with the one person in the whole world that you would most want to be with. That sounds enchanting. That is until you consider that that one person has repeatedly told you by their actions that they don't want to be with you.

 

I think the straw that broke the camel's back here was at supper Saturday night before the call. #2 daughter was messing around with J's work phone. He determined that she must have changed the ringtone. When she finished with it, I got it. I went down through his contacts. He had said that he only added one of the people to his contacts, and she was deleted. I went through them all (at the supper table with the kids there). If there was one I questioned, I asked him about it. He would tell me who it was.....all business. I did notice and questioned why later that the contact from his 2011 apartment is still there.....he just never deleted it. (If it was me, I would want to get rid of every remembrance of that period of my life.) So I went through the list and scrolled a litte farther past all of the #s to check on different things with the phone itself (minutes etc.) and found "Mark." That was strange. I checked the number, and it seemed quite familiar to me. I gave the phone back without a word, took my dishes to the kitchen, went upstairs, and checked to confirm the number. I was right.

 

When he came up shortly afterwards, I got the phone and made a call. He asked who I was calling. I just got close to him so he could hear. When she answered, I asked who it was (I know, very poor manners for using a phone). She said her name. I said so the person whose number is not supposed to be in this phone, and that I had been told had been deleted from this phone? She said I would have to ask him about that. She has not had any contact with him since I had contacted her to leave him alone.

 

His story is that he apparently had her in there twice. He thought he had deleted her. He did not remember putting her in under that name. He had her in as "Pedro." How am I supposed to check for inappropriate numbers when the guy assigns different names to the numbers? What a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive! Well, the number is gone now. He also scrolled down his call history, and I recognized another number. His call history was completely erased. I felt like this was just one more lie in the face of being caught. I am not handling it very well. He says he forgot. Knowing his memory, he is probably telling the truth.....for once! I am just having a hard time getting past it. He says he is glad he got caught, and then I find this.

 

As much as I want our marriage to work, I will NOT be so easy to win back this time.....and it is the LAST opportunity.

 

Our trip up on Sunday took 3 1/2 hours. about 45 minutes of that was spent stopping to get insulation to put over cold air return duct work in the attic, getting groceries, and getting gas. The drive should only take about 1 1/2 hours plus any stops. The last 9 miles was the worse. I wasn't sure we were going to make it.

 

A co-worker who lives in the same town came by to get him this morning (he has a truck). What should have been about a 15 minute drive was about 45 minutes.

[4evrHZdtr3]

You are sounding stronger and more confident.. wiser and less willing to be used!

[1love]

Thank you, 4evr. I feel it too.

 

I feel like the strict disciplinarian school teacher insisting that work be done a certain way. Hmmm.....much the way that J and I have both told #3 daughter as to how to label math problems from her workbook that have to be worked out in her notebook. She is very resistant to doing this. It is much easier to just slop it down in any blank spot on the page. Not acceptable. If I have to see her work, I am not going to search around for where it is amongst all the other problems.

 

So I have given J a couple of notebooks to journal his Bible reading and book list reading/dvds in. But it is not just I read pages such and such. He is to do some soul searching and write down what this says specifically to him and his life. And label it all with pages, chapters, and dates done.

 

There are several reasons for this process. 1) It causes him to think about what he has read and process through it to make a life application of the material. It is far too easy to put the little bit of time in to read, check that off the list as done, and go on your merry, little way without remembering what was read. 2) the act of writing it down reinforces the learning points. 3) it should get rid of the "I don't remember what I read" excuse. 4) dating the entries will show the amount of consistency rather than "day 1" and "day 2" that are a month apart. 5) with it written down it provides that proof to me that he is actually doing the homework. The kids would sometimes tell me that they had their work done and go play, but when I saw the books, the pages were blank. That didn't go over very well. Now I don't want to get so into reading his thoughts etc., I see that more as his private self-evaluation with God. I do, however, need to see enough to provide the accountability for the work.

 

Although I had given him these notebooks last week (probably on Wed.) with instructions, I think they both came home empty on the weekend. However, he had told me what he had read in the Bible, so he was able to get that down. Last night I again went over what was to be written down, at his request. He got that done last night as well as his book reading and journaling. This morning he got up early enough to do his Bible reading and journaling before leaving for work.

 

I am very encouraged by this. I do fully understand that this little bit does not make a changed man, but it is a start. A very big thing here is that he is willingly doing what I am requiring. Last week upon giving the "assignments" I was given excuses about not having the computer to write it in rather than the notebooks. I didn't bite. I said it is proven that the physical act of writing by hand, making those letters, forming those words, provides better retention than pushing keys on a keyboard. I want him to retain all of it. The computer is here, but he has not asked again about using it for that. (And the computer is out only if I am next to him.)

 

He helped fix veggies for soup last night, and then sat at the kitchen counter doing his homework while I fixed the soup. After cleanup was done, we moved to the living room, and he continued with his homework.

 

It was a very good evening.

 

I don't feel the resentment any more. I am very thankful for that. It is not a feeling that I accept as part of me because I know that it is not from God.

 

My position now is that I am willing to give him opportunity to change, but the moment that there is not an active progression forward the fur will fly. I am very guarded. I have to guard my heart because there have been too many times that he has refused to be the guard for my heart as he should have been.

 

Tomorrow I will take him to work, go to my appointment, and go home for the day. Then I will come back and pick him up from work. That will be my plan for the rest of my appointments. It is kind of interesting, #2 daughter sent a text Sunday night that my appointment for Monday morning had been changed to the same time on Wednesday morning. (basically everything was shut down yesterday due to the weather and probably a lot still shut down today) I was surprised about their calling on Sunday night and also that they did not call my cell phone. I think that is the number I would have given them....if I had to give a number. Maybe they just looked in phone book. I don't know. Anyway, the interesting thing is that they "rescheduled" my Monday appointment at a time that I already had an appointment scheduled with them. So I don't know if I will now have a Thursday appointment too, or if it will be next week. I know I can tell that I haven't been since Friday.

[1love]

Oh, one more thing. The apartment contact number is now deleted from his phone. He said it was there simply because he had never deleted it. I said it made me feel like he was keeping it in case he decided to get another apartment. It is gone.

[Looney_Tunes]

My position now is that I am willing to give him opportunity to change, but the moment that there is not an active progression forward the fur will fly.

 

 

That's exactly the way it should be. After years of working in this ministry, I've come to believe that we are too easy on the passive guys. We are so afraid of shutting them down that we require very little. When they don't do what we've asked, we require even less. The end result is what you've experienced - dragging this out forever with very little change.

 

Stay strong.

[1love]

Thanks, Looney. I will stay strong in the Lord.....and with the help from you and everyone else here.

[Crystal]

You're doing a good job, 1love.  Don't forget to take time for you. 

[1love]

Thank you, Crystal.

 

I dropped J off at work at 6 this morning, braved the bad interstate to go to my chiropractor appt, then the bad interstate to go home to spend a few short hours with the children before coming back to get J from work. I saw around 150 vehicles off the roads due to the snow storm. Travel this morning was slow....doing 25-40mph, usually 30mph. Not good! The trip back up was considerably better as the ice/packed snow had melted for the most part.

 

We went out for pizza and came on to the weekday house. I went to bed, mainly exhausted from the day's travel. I think I slept for a couple of hours. While I was sleeping, J baked a delicious peach pie for me.

 

I will get back on in the morning.

 

Good night, all.

[1love]

Well, I was on for a little while reading but didn't really know what to post.

 

We have finally gotten all of the accounts deleted. I had gone through and sent to some of the contacts he had to "leave my husband alone."

 

Wednesday night in getting into a particular sight, I had some responses back to my message.  When I saw the first one, I let out a "Really!" exclamation. J got up and left. He went and did the dishes. I was left to take care of that account myself. In talking later he said that he thought my exclamation was because of reading what he had written. It was not in the slightest.

 

In this particular message this female told me that I needed to grow up. I had nothing to be jealous of. I need to stand in front of a mirror and tell myself that I am beautiful and have value, and whatever else she said.

 

I really needed J to stand up for me and send back to her that I had every right to tell them all to "leave my husband alone." I needed him to tell them that he is the one that needs to grow up. I needed him to tell them that he is a sex addict and should not be talking to other women.

 

Instead, he got up and I was left to deal with it.

 

Another response was that we both need to grow up.

 

Anyway, none of them threw me for a loop, which is good. I simply gave them a dose of reality and closed the account.

 

On another account he did send out to the contacts that he has a sexual addiction and should not be there and is closing the account.

 

Why tell them? To take ownership of the problem.....and then fix it.

To warn them of the predators that are out there that come on to them as gentlemen. Wolves in sheep's clothing.

 

Last night was a step or two forward so that is a good thing.

 

Gotta go pick J up from work.  Later!

Edited January 14, 2014 by 1love

[Looney_Tunes]

I'm glad you got everything closed out.

 

Personally, I would have insisted that J. clean up his own mess. I would have sat there with him and made sure he did it, but I would not have dealt with those women for him. One of the reasons passive guys get away with their behavior for so long is that they arrange things so that they don't suffer the consequences for what they've done - someone else does. They rarely have to clean up after themselves.

[1love]

On closing out his FB account I had sent the same message to one on there (he was on men's call at the time). He came in, got off the call, and closed the account down. After he got off the call, he came in and asked if I had sent a message to someone. He had gotten 2 calls while on the men's call. He saw after we got all this taken care of that he had also gotten a text. There was a voice-mail left from one of the calls. "R, call me!" Well, we really didn't know what to think of that. If I recall he did not recognize the number. I had not given my name at all.

 

Long story short, this gal happens to be one that he called (in my presence) when we were at the intensive. She had been trying to send a message on FB in response to my message....but I didn't give her a chance to respond....I just got off of FB.  Her husband was there, and they decided she should call.

 

I informed her that J had closed the account shortly after I had sent the message (again, he did not know that I had sent it). Get a load of this, she didn't have his number so had to think awhile to come up with it. That doesn't exactly sound like someone that has been out of contact for the last 2 years to me.

 

She (talking very loudly to keep me from saying anything) began to sing his praises....he talked her out of committing suicide sometime before intensive. She cares about him. She is his friend. They don't talk anymore. blah, blah, blah!

 

She would not give me a chance to say much of anything. J took the phone (he was sitting next to me) and let her know that he cannot be talking to other women. He cannot have women "friends." I don't remember if he said that he has a sexual addiction or not. But he did stand up for what I was saying.

[MaryJane]

Whew!  I'm glad you got all that done!  I suppose you'll be tempted to think, "We should have told her this or done that" but the accounts are closed!  The ladies have been told!  It's up to them now to straighten out their own lives!  It's not your responsibility -- or your husband's -- from now on!  They can call on The Lord if they want.

 

I'm glad your husband at least took as much responsibility to undo the mess as he did.  Now, he'll have to prove to you that he is changing his ways.  With the help of God, of course.

 

May the Lord bless you!

[1love]

Yes, MJ! Last night we discussed my closing of the account. It was not his intention that I be the one to close it. It all boiled down to the fact that he jumped to conclusions and then acted upon that faulty conclusion. He says that he should have been the one and would have responded to the responses I got back. He would have told them that, no, he is the one that needs to grow up, etc.

 

I thought it somewhat interesting to note that he had shared about arrested development to some of them giving them some understanding as to what happened in their own relationships that had failed. It's amazing to me that he can "teach" on the points of this ministry yet not walk in them himself. Very strange!

 

I had mentioned to him concerning the phone call that he is "mister great" to her because he talked her out of suicide.....but what did he do to me? I daresay, if it were not for the God that is in me, I would have been there and not been talked out of doing it. That is one of those thoughts that the enemy has on more than one occasion brought to mind, but thank the Lord, they have never been allowed to find a place to rest.

 

On our drive home last night, I asked him to do several different comparisons concerning his status between right after intensive and now. I have the impression that he is in a much stronger position now than then. I believe he really does see, now, the necessity of the hedges. He sees how one thing leads to another and BOOM you are right back where you were and don't want to be. He sees that he was less than half a step from being in bed with a string of them. I do believe him now that he is glad that I found out.

 

I haven't asked this question of him, so I may be off in making this statement. I think that after intensive he maybe did not fully accept the idea that "talking" to other women is wrong, and that it is actually an "affair." We didn't have sex.....it isn't an affair. I believe he does see now that "talking" is an "affair."

 

I questioned about what set him down this path again. A thought! Imagine that! Doesn't Scripture say something about that? I know it does, I will have to look it up to find the reference. (James 1:14,15) Now, this "thought" was perhaps a "good" thing. He decided to check to see if any of his old profiles were still out there. He found one and proceeded to close it down. Then a month later he began contacting "old" contacts to "see how they were doing." Then he had to start making "new" contacts. That sin just creeps in a little at a time until you are drowning in it.

 

I asked what he should have done differently. I think he said after closing the profile down he should have closed the email account down. I didn't accept that answer and had him think a little more. He got it. We should have done the search together, closed everything down together..... NO SECRETS!!!!

 

The growth I see there is that he did not become defensive and was willing to think things through to examine a different route. And when the first route was not accepted, he thought some more to find that acceptable route.

 

He is starting to question and see why he has done some of the things he has done.

 

As we all know, he had been stuck in the DOING. I think he has now challenged himself to move to the BEING. We discussed the doing vs. being last night. He still was not sure about the difference beforehand but hopefully has a clearer picture of that now.

 

I am anticipating forward progress now but certainly am looking for him to PROVE himself.

 

Thank you all for being here.

Edited January 14, 2014 by 1love

[Crystal]

 

It was not his intention that I be the one to close it. It all boiled down to the fact that he jumped to conclusions and then acted upon that faulty conclusion. He says that he should have been the one and would have responded to the responses I got back. He would have told them that, no, he is the one that needs to grow up, etc.

 

 

I would be skeptical about his intent.  What he DID is what counts...and what he DID was not do it and instead let you do it.  Manipulation. 

 

 

 

I thought it somewhat interesting to note that he had shared about arrested development to some of them giving them some understanding as to what happened in their own relationships that had failed. It's amazing to me that he can "teach" on the points of this ministry yet not walk in them himself. Very strange!

 

 

Not so strange or different from other passive men.  Knowing is not the same as doing. Knowing is not the same as being. 

 

 

 

I had mentioned to him concerning the phone call that he is "mister great" to her because he talked her out of suicide.....but what did he do to me? I daresay, if it were not for the God that is in me, I would have been there and not been talked out of doing it. That is one of those thoughts that the enemy has on more than one occasion brought to mind, but thank the Lord, they have never been allowed to find a place to rest.

 

 

 

You are seeing that he was acting out of his arrested development proving to himself that he is ONE AWESOME CARING guy, but not being the awesome caring guy that God has called him to be that is laying his life down for his wife.

 

 

I haven't asked this question of him, so I may be off in making this statement. I think that after intensive he maybe did not fully accept the idea that "talking" to other women is wrong, and that it is actually an "affair." We didn't have sex.....it isn't an affair. I believe he does see now that "talking" is an "affair."I hope you're right.  Keep pushing him to be involved with Joel and Kathy.  Does he read aloud to you from the books? How often? 

 

 

On our drive home last night, I asked him to do several different comparisons concerning his status between right after intensive and now. I have the impression that he is a much stronger position now than then. I believe he really does see, now, the necessity of the hedges. He sees how one thing leads to another and BOOM you are right back where you were and don't want to be. He sees that he was less than half a step from being in bed with a string of them. I do believe him now that he is glad that I found out.

 

He really needs to be held accountable for what he learned at the Intensive.  He knows.  

 

 

I haven't asked this question of him, so I may be off in making this statement. I think that after intensive he maybe did not fully accept the idea that "talking" to other women is wrong, and that it is actually an "affair." We didn't have sex.....it isn't an affair. I believe he does see now that "talking" is an "affair."

 

He knows. If he was awake at the Intensive he knows.  (I know he was paying attention, because Joel and Kathy demand full attention!!) It won't hurt for you to demand he read and re-read both Joel and Kathy books.

 

 

I questioned about what set him down this path again. A thought! Imagine that! Doesn't Scripture say something about that? I know it does, I will have to look it up to find the reference. (James 1:14,15) Now, this "thought" was perhaps a "good" thing. He decided to check to see if any of his old profiles were still out there. He found one and proceeded to close it down. Then a month later he began contacting "old" contacts to "see how they were doing." Then he had to start making "new" contacts. That sin just creeps in a little at a time until you are drowning in it.

 

All the while feeling good about what a "caring" man he is. Imagine! 

 

 

The growth I see there is that he did not become defensive and was willing to think things through to examine a different route. And when the first route was not accepted, he thought some more to find that acceptable route.

 

He is starting to question and see why he has done some of the things he has done.

 

As we all know, he had been stuck in the DOING. I think he has now challenged himself to move to the BEING. We discussed the doing vs. being last night. He still was not sure about the difference beforehand but hopefully has a clearer picture of that now.

 

I am anticipating forward progress now but certainly am looking for him to PROVE himself.

 

 

 

Right! And sad to say, he won't move forward unless you continue to expect him to PROVE himself.  You Rock! 

 

 

[Looney_Tunes]

I agree with Crystal.

 

One of the ways passive guys get us is by convincing us that their intentions were good. Because we are a little too good at giving grace - after all, nobody's perfect! - we tend to buy their stories. They learn early in the relationship that we will almost always give them the benefit of the doubt.

 

It's amazing to me that he can "teach" on the points of this ministry yet not walk in them himself. Very strange!

 

 

By the time my ex blew out of this ministry, I'm pretty sure he could have taught an intensive. To passive guys, knowing is everything. They honestly believe it's the thought that counts . . . and that it's all that counts.

 

 

I haven't asked this question of him, so I may be off in making this statement. I think that after intensive he maybe did not fully accept the idea that "talking" to other women is wrong, and that it is actually an "affair."

 

 

I'm sorry, but no. It hurts less to allow yourself to believe that he somehow didn't understand what he was doing.

[Crystal]

1love, I woke up thinking about you and J this morning! 

 

I was thinking that while J does know that he's flirting and that as a married man he is not meant to be flirting, he may not remember (or actually forgetting on purpose!) the reason WHY MEN FLIRT.  You may have already done this recently, but if you have the DVDs from the Intensive you should listen together to what Joel says about why men flirt.   Or find the place in the Intensive notebook and see if J can remember what Joel said about it. Hopefully J has been talking to Joel too.   As you know, there is a legitimate reason why men flirt, and it's not pretty. I think J may need to be reminded and be reminded again, because he seems to allow it to slip from his mind easily. 

 

Let us know how you're doing.  Wishing you a great week!

[1love]

Thank you, Crystal and Looney. We had a very busy weekend (as usual it seems). #3 son left on Sunday and is back to college. Sunday afternoon we went to #1 daughter's to work on her washing machine. We again had a late night drive to the weekday house, just the two of us. I slept most of the way and am very glad he had taken a power nap before leaving home. Yesterday morning I dropped him off at work and went to my chiropractor appointment then on to home to spend the day with the children. I will do that again tomorrow. That is my last scheduled appt but will re-evaluate to see what plan to take from here. Overall I am doing better, but it is still far from what it should be.

 

I know I am ready to get my children here with us. I do like having the time to ourselves, and it was needed to take care of the trash, but I am beginning to feel like I am abandoning them which is not a good thing. Last week I had told them that they will be back up here next week. I can't handle being a part-time mother.

 

 

 

I fully believe that J knew all along that his talking to other women was wrong (both before intensive and recently) otherwise he wouldn't have kept it a secret. What I was saying was that before he did not see it as an "affair" because it did not involve sex. Wrong, yes. An affair, no. He probably justified it in his mind because it did not involve sex....even though he was having sex with others. Now he does see that the talking is just as much an affair as jumping into bed is.

 

 

 

We have talked about "why men flirt." Just this last weekend we went over it yet again. He didn't understand why all these other issues caused him to talk to other women. They don't! So we talked about the same sex contact before the age of 10. He doesn't remember anything of that nature being a part of his past. We continue to pray that God shine His light to reveal the things done in secret and set him free from the monsters of the past.

 

 

 

We've talked about the need to get the skeletons out of the closet. If there are no skeletons, the devil does not have a hold on us for fear of others finding out about the hidden skeletons.

 

[1love]

I guess I want to talk a little about last week. After that I will backtrack to the issues with #1 daughter and Thanksgiving Day.

 

Wednesday night we had gotten most everything closed down, FB remaining and that went Thursday night.

 

We did not ML Wednesday night although he did act as if he was going to initiate such. His long day caught up with him, and he went to sleep. Since I had had a nice long nap, I was awake a little while thinking. I can't say that I have ever had these thoughts before.

 

His attention that he was giving to me was beginning to stir my physical body, but my mind was not there. I knew the thoughts that I had and was wondering whether to allow the process to continue or to stop it from progressing. Ultimately, I did not have to make that decision; he made it by going to sleep.

 

My thoughts were that I needed to ML. The problem was that it wasn't ML (by my definition) that I needed; it was sex. I needed to know that I was wanted, and it didn't really matter to me who wanted me. I just needed to be wanted by someone. That is a very ugly position to be in.

 

I found myself processing through the thought that, if I had sex then, I would be using my husband.....the way he had used so many others. (Maybe not for the same reason but "using" nonetheless. It rather disturbed me that at that particular point in time, I would have gotten just as much out of the process no matter what male body I had next to me. UGLY!!!!! I could not allow myself to use anyone like that....not even my husband. I'm sure that God would honor the process (at least I hope He would) simply because it would be with my husband. The point is though that I took note of this feeling and would not allow myself to use even my husband because I knew that my motives would not be right.

 

ML is supposed to be a celebration of the special love that God has given to husband and wife for each other. It is not supposed to be used as a means to make one feel wanted. There is no celebration in that at all. That is the plea from a desperate person searching for love and looking in all the wrong places. That is a weak person, not someone who is strong in the Lord.

 

Thursday I had a whole new attitude. I had a very strong desire and need to ML with my husband and was ready and waiting for him when he got home from work. It was beautiful.

 

It's a good thing it happened before closing down FB because it wouldn't have happened afterwards.

 

Friday evening I was telling J about all of these feelings. He would have been okay with my using him and not thought anything about it. Use me anytime you want.

 

I said he shouldn't have that way of thinking. He shouldn't use people, and he shouldn't be okay with my using people, even if it is him.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? It was all very strange to me.