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4evr asked a great question. I wanted to address that & got sidetracked. It's so cool how God does that - if one person forgets, He nudges someone else to do it. :)

 

So why do you think you are unwilling to let your daughter suffer the consequences of leaving her books? What made you chase your kids down the highway? What need did doing that meet for you?

 

IP also brought up a good point. (I wish she would post more on other threads - she's pretty smart! ;) )

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Thank you ladies. You have certainly given me food for thought.

 

Why? Because she is 11 years old, we homeschool so I am ultimately the one held responsible if she isn't doing her work. If she doesn't have her book, she can't do it. She was not going to the other house with me, so would need her book to be able to do her work today. She would have loved to have the excuse that I had her book. Not happening on my watch!

 

IP, you have pointed out a very good observation. We too have noticed the time frame. So what has happened? #4 son had his horse accident on July 27. J's birthday was August 31. The birthday was just another day in our world. Yes, we celebrated. Is it the idea of being "another year older?" I don't think so. As far as our son, there were many doctor visits and a lot of stress because of what all he was going through. There were a couple of weeks that I stayed at home rather than go to the other house so that son didn't have to travel (traveling was not good on him), he was in more familiar and desired surroundings (kids aren't too crazy about the other house), and I would be with him. J and I had discussed my staying. He thought that son having me around him, in addition to siblings, would be better for his mental status thus helping his physical status.

 

Neither of us liked that time of separation.

 

I am pleased to report that the 3-month recovery time the doctor had suggested to allow was pretty much right on. He seems to be back to normal for the most part. There were times I really wasn't sure how well he would do. He does still have the memory loss issues, but the headaches, dizziness, and shoulder pain are gone. PTL.

 

We talked most of the way home tonight. J suggested the possible idea of some time away from each other so that he can focus on reading the books, forum, etc., and go back to sort of a dating type of relationship for awhile. I don't know that I like that thought. Actually, no, I know that I do not like that thought.I did say he needed to decide if he was going to do this program or not and did not accept the excuses.

 

We got home and had to deal with the 2-year old behavior of #2 son. We had been warned of this on our way home. After our phone call warning, J said that I didn't need two of him to have to deal with.

 

He did an awesome job addressing the issues. Now he just has to "practice what he preaches!"

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Based on your description, this is just my musings.. 

 

I wonder, if during that time when your son was ill and needing you close by constantly, if he slipped into seeing you only in "mommy-mode" and forgot/missed seeing you as "wife/lover/best friend". Then all the "mother/son" issues you've both been tripping up on were triggered. Then add to that the "bachelor-mode" and all of a sudden, everything that you've been working on was allowed to come back or be relaxed on.. and here we are. 

 

I would actually suggest the dating relationship -- but not separated. Or rather, separate from the kids for a few weeks. He can't work on the marriage without having a marriage to work on, and my understanding of marriage is "two people become one". The key here is 2. Takes 2. 2 people. two. Two of you. Just two. Both of you.. alone.. with God. If your youngest is 11 (and is having some responsibility issues of her own?), being away from "rescuing mom" might be good for her too, especially if you give her a set amount to be done and definite consequences/reward for completion. Then I'd suggest the two of you live together for a bit, just the two of you.. and date. Spend tons of time together, have fun, be a couple. It seems everytime things do start to go well, you get interrupted and have to go manage some crisis (rescue someone). So.. take yourself out of the environment of being interrupted and.. devote some time together. He would have to do the same, of course. Even two weeks could turn things around here, deal with those images of "mom" vs "lover". I'm not saying he has to take time off work. I'm saying take time off a busy household, and work on just being together doing life. He goes to work, comes home to you.. you spend some much needed time off to relax and maybe work on a few projects of your own that you've been putting off forever (we all have those, so don't tell me you don't!).. and when he's home you both just .. be a couple. Like it was or should have been when you first got married. Learn about each other all over again. 

 

If anything... two people living in close proximity without any buffers? All the stuff will come out, and you'll either deal with it and grow closer, or you'll realize where you both stand on everything. 

 

Of course, disregard everything if none of this rings true... 

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Why? Because she is 11 years old, we homeschool so I am ultimately the one held responsible if she isn't doing her work.

 

 

I beg to differ . . . and I homeschooled all 5 of mine, so I know where you're coming from.

 

SHE is ultimately responsible if she isn't doing her work, and in that case, there should be clear consequences for making that choice.

 

However, if she isn't doing her work . . . dad might be upset with mom . . . family/friends might look down on mom for not living up to their standards . . .  child might do poorly on a test, which would reflect badly on mom . . . child might not "finish" by ___, which would mean child is "behind," which would reflect poorly on mom . . . are you seeing a pattern here?

 

What would a public school teacher do if a child left her book in the classroom? Would she go barreling down the highway to give it to her? Somehow I doubt it. She'd say Oh well, too bad and give the child a 0 for that assignment. Depending on whether or not this was habitual behavior, she may or may not give the child the option of making it up. She would require that an eleven year old child assume the degree of responsibility she is capable of assuming.

 

I know I'm being tough on you again, but your daughter is getting no benefit from being rescued by Mom. You are.

 

It's time to figure out some consequences, sit down with the kid, and tell her how it's gonna be. Make sure you also offer rewards for getting her work done. Make a blessings and consequences chart and put it on the fridge. Then everything is right there in front of her all the time, and she has a clear choice to make. If she makes the wrong choice, oh well, too bad, so sad. Hopefully she'll make a better choice next time.

 

As for the rest of it, I like what IP said. Told you she was smart. ;)

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Yes, I like what IP says too! I'll come back to that.

 

Our daughter does have consequences for not doing her work. However, our family could potentially have consequences that we are not willing to pay if the state would come in and say that we are not doing the job. We have never had any problems with this issue, and I don't plan to start now. This is not about rescuing our daughter in her schoolwork. It is about trying to be a responsible parent. Before you say it, I will. Part of that responsibility is to teach responsibility. I get that. I am trying to do that. She is messed up in her work because we have been so messed up in our marriage. I have notes she has written trying to blame me for everything. I do not accept that blame, none of it. I am trying to teach her that her work is her responsibility. Getting the book to her put the ball in her court not mine.

 

Yes, far too many times J has blamed me for the kids' schoolwork status.

 

I am also trying to teach her to have compassion for other people and not be self-focused. Jesus, Others, You! Let's have JOY!

 

I think it might just be possible to go overboard with the "tough love" idea too early in a given situation. If we maintain that stance from the beginning, where is the caring and the compassion for others? If the roles were reversed, I would certainly appreciate it if the other person got the given item(s) to me so I could do the work. Granted, she would just as soon not do the work so would be happy to not have the book. I just think there has to be good balance.

 

I think of the different times that I have gotten a call that keys were locked in a car. Should I just say tough luck; you shouldn't have done that? No, I have another set of keys and can take them. In fact, we just had that a couple of weeks ago. I wasn't the one that took the keys because I am here not home. Sometimes people just need a hand! I've been on the end of needing that help before, and I sure appreciated J bringing the keys to bail me out of my mishap.

 

As far as the public school comparison, yeah, most probably would not make the effort. Some might would depending on the circumstances. We chose not to do the public school route and don't go by their standards!

 

IP, I think you might very well be on to something. Please post here anytime. I welcome your insight. While it sounds delightful to have a week or two alone, it is not feasible at the current time. I think that would have our three youngest at home alone some of most every day. #2 daughter has classes M-F and #2 son's work schedule is not dependable to be able to coordinate with her schedule to have someone home with them.

 

We are going to "date" while being under the same roof. I agree that one can't work on the marriage if there isn't one to work on.....being separated. The difficulty in planning dates around here is that there isn't anything around.

 

One thing I think I will do is to not have supper ready when he gets home. That way after he gets home and gives me a proper greeting, he can take time to do his "marriage work" (book/forum posting) while I am fixing supper.

 

In some of our weekend discussion time, he commented on the expressed doubt by Looney that he would do the work suggested. I questioned what he has done/or not done that would cause that comment. He saw that he has not given any reason for anyone here to expect that he would actually do the work.

 

I said that he could accept what has been said and resign himself to that as the way it is, or he could take the challenge and prove her wrong. He has determined to prove you wrong, Looney!

 

In dealing with our son over the weekend, there were/are so many similarities between the behaviors of the two of them. He would want to say or do something, and I would ask him to think about how he would have/did respond in the same type of situation. He saw. So it comes down to what would motivate J to do the right thing and what promotes the belligerent 2 year old behavior. The difference in the two is that J has had the full intensive teaching to pull from. He has been shown and accepted where he is wrong in his thinking/behavior. Son has had little lessons of the teaching. We have shown him where he is wrong, but he hasn't accepted that. J knows he needs to change. Son does not see that he is wrong; at least, not that he has shown any indication of.

 

Maybe the best motivation for J is to have to deal with son?

 

An incident arose on our way home from our Saturday morning excursion that brought out some good conversation. I commented that I felt like he was ticked off with me because I did not care for what he did. He said that he was more ticked with himself for doing what he had done. He knew better but did it anyway.

 

I see this as a little progress here. 1) He knew he did the wrong thing, and perhaps more importantly 2) he was ticked with himself for doing the wrong thing.

 

We spent a lot of time together this weekend. It was busy, and I didn't have time to do one of the things that I really wanted to get done (find something I need to work on one of those projects!). Yes, there was stress this weekend. J was not my source of stress; he was my source of life and strength.

 

Thank you, J!

 

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I really hope J. proves me wrong! I know he can do it. I will even give him full rights to say I told you so.  :P

 

As for the books, yeah, there has to be a balance between compassion and teaching responsibility. For me, a lot of that balance is determined by the frequency of the behavior. If the keys get locked in the car occasionally, then yeah, you head on over with the extra set of keys. But if it tends to happen more often than not, at some point you've gotta stop bailing them out. An 11 year old who is consistently leaving books behind and not doing assignments would fall into the same category for me. And we both know that the state is not going to move in and take over because she missed a few assignments.

 

But the bottom line here, as with everything else, is that it's your choice. My purpose is not to get you to do or not do a certain thing. My purpose is only to get you to look at it and to decide if that behavior is healthy for you. Sometimes we know we're rescuing, and for a multitude of reasons we might choose to do it anyway. I've certainly done that more times than I care to talk about. But I knew what I was doing, and since it was my choice I had no right to be angry or resentful about it. I think that's the key for me - if what I'm doing causes anger and/or resentment in me, then I have to look at why I'm doing it. True giving, with the right motives, causes no such feelings.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you had a good weekend and that J. made you feel loved. :D

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Looney, you nailed it again! Sorry for butting in to your thread, 1love, but I just learned something by reading this. This really helps me!!

 


But I knew what I was doing, and since it was my choice I had no right to be angry or resentful about it. I think that's the key for me - if what I'm doing causes anger and/or resentment in me, then I have to look at why I'm doing it. True giving, with the right motives, causes no such feelings.

 

 

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Looney and 4evr, I think that is exactly the point. The way we feel about what we are doing is the key. Some time ago I posted the verse "God loveth a cheerful giver." (2 Cor. 9:7) It's all about the heart. Do we do because we have to or because we want to. Some things obviously are going to be because we have to, but that is where the self-discipline comes in. We don't have to get bent out of shape because we have to do something that we don't want to do. I don't want to scrub toilets, but it has to be done. Better to do than not to do. Phew!

 

When we have to do the things that we really don't want to do, we have to change the way we look at things. That's what we keep telling the guys around here isn't it! We have to get to the point of where we can do things with the right heart. I've always told our kids that we do things for Jesus. Everything we do we do for Him - or "to" Him. (Col. 3:17)

 

So when our kids grumble about doing the dishes.....you're doing them for Jesus. Cleaning house? You're doing it for Jesus. Improving penmanship....you're giving your best to Jesus.

 

Of course, this does not work for that "rescuing" idea. That is the enemy coming in to keep us bound down with servitude and resentment to keep us from reaching our God-given potential. Definitely, if we can't honestly get our heart wrapped around the "service" in a God-honoring way, that thing needs to be closely examined.

 

I think my "high cortisol" on Thursday was a culmination of everything. To be honest, I was probably very unfair to our daughter to suggest that her books still being in the car was intentional. She had not taken anything with her on that trip except her books as she was going to come back with me. Her books were in the back seat. She did help get her brothers' things out of the trunk. She had gone from the college to home in her sister's car. She probably had forgotten all about the books since she hadn't seen them for 4 hours.

 

Examining the bottom line, I guess I would say that my problem was that J gets off at 5, and I was leaving home at 5:17 to drive an hour and 15-20 minutes. I know that he is usually okay with staying over or can get a ride. I was not going to be where I said I would be, when I said I would be there, and there wasn't anything that I could do about it. No, it wasn't the end of the world.

 

I knew the college program was going to be long, but it was longer than expected. The "quick" stop for the hunting licenses turned into an hour plus. I felt #2 daughter was annoyed for being detained in getting to #1 daughter's and infringed upon by having siblings go along (which she always likes having them around--at least her brothers anyway)--maybe that was just my feelings and not her intentions. So I'm thinking she is annoyed for being a little later than she thought she would be, and I'm a LOT later than I thought I would be. Get over it! So the book thing made me a little later because that meant another stop. It wouldn't have been so bad if I could have gotten through on the phone to have her stop before getting on the interstate. It was just one of those days that needed the "Calgon, take me away!" at the end of it!

 

I am very curious as to what happened with J posting last night! He was on the forum while I was fixing supper. Well, he had it opened. He was actually taking care of #2 daughter's cell phone issues we had going on. At any rate, I do know that he was saying that he was tired and ready to go to bed. I said he hadn't posted yet. He started giving excuses, but I held him to his word that he would post. I don't think he was trying to get out of posting altogether, just postponing the way passive guys do. Unless he has another thread that I am not aware of, he apparently did not get posted whatever he was working on.

 

I don't think I actually voiced this last night but did think it: J, are you a man of your word?

 

It did snow last night! He had me go to the window at 10 to see it. Then we went and got the kids up! It was fun to do that. I don't know that they appreciated it any. They saw it and went back to bed.

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LOL if I got my kids up to see snow they would all shoot me . . . trust me, around here it'll be there in the morning. Probably way too much of it. :roll:

 

No, J. didn't post last night.

 

And now you've looked at the bottom line, realized where all the stress was coming from, and figured out that there probably wasn't anything different you could have done. That's a good thing. :)

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Well, life does get interesting.

 

J called last night to say he would be late. I really didn't understand what all he said was going on but figured I would hear about it when he got home. He didn't know how long he would be. With the turn of events, that subject never came up again.

 

He called when he was getting ready to leave. His brother had called him about 10 minutes or so before that to let him know that their mother had fallen. Everything is sketchy to me as all communication has gone through J. Bottom line is that she has a compression fracture in the L2 vertebrae. They are keeping her at the hospital a couple of nights before sending her home. Please keep her in your prayers.

 

We will probably be going to see her tonight when he gets off. If we do, we will likely not make it on the call.

 

Looney, one son said in the morning that he could have waited to see the snow. They were all okay with it though. The funny thing is that if it was they that had seen the snow first, they would have done the same thing. :) And it is also a, I don't know, "mile marker" for me. I used to do fun, crazy things before. I have taken notice for some time now that I don't anymore. Life just got too serious....mine did anyway. So when J showed me the snow, I had this "magical excitement" that comes with the first snow and the crazy notion of sharing that with the kids.

 

We have a book that we had gotten for our oldest daughter when she was but a wee little thing. I think the title is Little Mouse on the Prairie. It tells the story of a very serious mouse that is storing up for winter while all the meadow mice are having fun. In the end, the meadow mice that didn't listen to her warnings had to go to her for help .... or freeze. She turned them away but, afterwards, reconsidered and went to find them to help them. She invited them in to her home and taught them how make the warm winter clothing they needed, shared her food she had stored, and shared her warm, cozy home. They taught her how to have fun.

 

I have thought several times that I am like that mouse. I had to be the responsible one for everything. The joy of life was sucked out of me. This is something that just kind of sneaked up on me. I didn't notice it until I was buried in it. J would take the kids big enough to go on bike rides.....I was left at home with those to little to go. That is how it was with a lot of things. Well, I don't know where all this is coming from. There was a time when I would watch movies with the kids, but I got (at discovery time) to where I was just closed up in our bedroom. Of course, most of the movie time was when J was traveling. And now, I must get off of this trip because it will end up in a place I don't want to be.

 

So to me it was kind of a big thing to feel the excitement about the snow. It was big that J called me to the window to show me. It was big that I wanted to do something crazy like go get the kids up to see the snow. I have always liked the snow....as long as I don't have to go anywhere.

 

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So to me it was kind of a big thing to feel the excitement about the snow. It was big that J called me to the window to show me. It was big that I wanted to do something crazy like go get the kids up to see the snow.

 

 

That's awesome! One great thing about getting out of the abuse - no matter which way it happens - is that we begin to find ourselves again. I have always been the fun one, so that wasn't the issue for me, but there are other things that I have slowly been rediscovering in the past 4 years.

 

We will definitely pray for J's mom. Ouch!

 

Can I respectfully ask you to do something?

 

Stay off J's thread. If there's something you want to reply to, copy and paste it and reply over here. To be honest, I would suggest that you not even read it. There are two reasons for that . . . first, if J. really does get involved in this process and begins to post in a way that will lead to growth, he is gonna spew a lot of garbage that you just don't need to hear. It's gonna be childish and hurtful and will likely send you to a bad place. The second reason is that if he knows you're reading it, he will probably NOT spew all that garbage, and he needs to. He needs to get it out and have us come along and help him with it. That's the only way for him to deal with it, unless he gets involved with the men's calls and dumps it there.

 

BTW the reverse is not true - J. should be reading your thread. He needs to understand your heart. You do not need to understand his.

 

OK? :)

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My, where has the time gone? Thank you, Looney. I can do that.

 

Last Wednesday evening, we went to visit J's mother in the hospital. It was a very crowded room as a lot of other family members were there also. We tried to get on the call after getting back home, but it had ended already. We were just going to listen in, so it's all good.

 

I don't have an update as of today on his mother, but she may get to go home today. I saw her yesterday, and she looks pretty good. They have been having her walk the hall, in fact, did so while I was there. Thank the Lord she is progressing quite well.

 

J took off Friday due to a dental appointment, so we were able to come home Thursday night (after his working late). Tried again to get on the call after getting home, but it was too late. I feel like it has been forever since we have been on. We should be able to make it tomorrow night.

 

Saturday we went to our sister-in-law's. It was a very full and blessed day. Thank you again, Kathy, for the phone number to get in touch with John and Susan. We were so blessed to be able to meet with them for a late lunch. They are a wonderful couple.

 

On to SIL's, J installed a light fixture for her which blessed her immensely.

 

A friend of hers had connections to get symphony tickets, so she had contacted us on Wed. to see if we were up to going to the symphony Sat. night. Absolutely! It was awesome! #2 daughter would have loved to have been there as there was a violin soloist on tour and was part of the performance. Daughter was thrilled with the autographed CD which I brought back for her.

 

We spent the night at our other house....well, we got in at 3am and left at 7:38am so maybe that isn't the night. We ended up just meeting the kids at church since I did not hear my 5am alarm. I actually think we did pretty good considering that when I woke up and checked the time it was 7:17! We talked during this drive time, and I had a melt down. There were a couple of things that had surfaced in my mind on our trip back from SIL's. I had tried to ditch them, but they wouldn't let go. So in our Sunday drive time, I decided I needed to bring it out. He thought I was going to say something about the light installation for SIL, but it wasn't.

 

Then, now that you mention it, yes! It was good to hear her sing his praises for the task he did for her. It does make me feel good to know that he has helped her in such a big way for her. But at the same time, it brings up the question of why can't he be MY hero to do the projects I need done. This brought up other thoughts and the meltdown.

 

He handled this so wonderfully. I had thought I would be an absolute mess when we got to church, but he and God brought much peace and strength to me in that short time that I was fairly good by the time we arrived.

 

Then the tornadoes hit Illinois! We were on our way home from church when they went through. Fortunately, we were north of it and did not even see it. We were surprised when we got to the bigger town and turned to go to walmart; the kids were going the opposite way to go home and start lunch. There was a lot of water in the ditches; we had not had one drop of rain on our drive from church.

 

The kids texted for us to take a different route home as there were power lines down across the highway just west of our house. We live on that highway. They had to take the scenic route around even though they could see the house from the other side of the downed lines. It was that close. Maybe a mile northeast of us two houses were hit, one knocked off the foundation. The next mile east was another house. Then 1 or 2 flattened a mile or 2 NE of there. We have a lot of shingles blown off, some siding that barely stayed attached, and a lot of outside things blown around. We were without power for around 8 hours and were surprised that it wasn't longer. We thank the Lord for His protection.

 

Yesterday, I needed to take my mother to a doctor's appointment, so J drove up in the morning to work rather than our going up Sunday night. (She had a good report) After her appointment, (#2 son had gone with me), we visited MIL then went home in time to go with daughter to school.

 

She had told me last Wed. night that there was to be a concert last night. She had gotten a school email about it. It had been recently scheduled, and she thought I would be interested. Sanctus Real's song "Lead Me" was one of the ones that helped me get through the toughest time of all our garbage. They have others too that helped, but that was a big one. They were the main band of three that were to be at this concert. You bet I'm going. Also there was Citizen Way (again with songs that have helped me through this time), The third was The Neverclaim which I had not heard of before, but were pretty good. The youngest two children wanted to go as well, so the four of us had a great time at this concert.

 

J is to meet us at my mother's after he gets off tonight to go to other house.

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We would really like to get together with you Crystal. I didn't know you were in Illinois either.....it's a small world. We are south central so we can't be more than 3 hours apart I would guess. How cool!

 

Thank you, Looney. We  do get a few tornadoes, but not as many as some places. There was actually one that cut a similar path (too close for comfort) the night of the day #5 son was born. That one, too, kind of skirted around us. God is so good! And there have been others, but that one and Sunday's were the closest to our house.

 

J worked over again tonight. I had told him to call me when he was leaving work, and we would leave for my mother's.....but he had to be getting there before 9 or we would stay home. He called around 7:30 and was just leaving.....to go to the other house. He was not coming down because it would be so late when we got back up there. No kidding! That's why I put the 9pm time limit. Leaving at 7:30 would give him about 30 minutes leeway so still doable, but he chose not to do.

 

So here I am, and there he is. And it is very lonely even with 5 children around. We played an extended game. Usually we play to 500 points, but tonight was 1,000.......just to stay busy. I did enjoy it as it has been a really long time since we have played, but part of me was/is missing.

 

Time to call it a night.

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We would really like to get together with you Crystal. I didn't know you were in Illinois either.....it's a small world. We are south central so we can't be more than 3 hours apart I would guess. How cool!

 

 

Very cool! If one of the moderators would very kindly privately plug 1love and I together I would appreciate it!  Don't want personal info posted here. Thanks! 

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J worked over again tonight. I had told him to call me when he was leaving work, and we would leave for my mother's.....but he had to be getting there before 9 or we would stay home. He called around 7:30 and was just leaving.....to go to the other house. He was not coming down because it would be so late when we got back up there. No kidding! That's why I put the 9pm time limit. Leaving at 7:30 would give him about 30 minutes leeway so still doable, but he chose not to do.

This is a perfect example of why we said things weren't adding up... hmm.. WHY would he choose to ignore your request and do that? Did he explain his thinking to you?

 

The only innocent clue I can pick up here in what you have said is your words "I told him" which is exactly how I used to talk to my husband and write about it.. when we get utterly frustrated with being ignored, we start treating them as irresponsible and childlike as they are acting - by "telling" them what to do, instead of asking.

 

Some men- who are already deep in m/s territory react even further by rebelling more because  they then feel disrespected by the tone of voice and manner of talking. This was true in my marriage.

 

I am not saying this is what is happening, but it is something to think about and see if it applies? I would much rather it be that, than something else hidden. If I were in your shoes, about now I would be looking at the paychecks to see if he really did work over on that day.

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Thank you, Looney, for getting Crystal and myself in contact with each other.

 

Thank you, 4evr. The reason for not coming down to get us on Tuesday was that it would be 11pm before getting back up there. As it is right now, the kids and I are still at home. He has worked late every night. At this point IF he comes down tonight, I would not have the kids go up....for less than 24 hours.

 

We talked quite a bit last night. I had some troubling things come up concerning #1 daughter yesterday. We were talking about that, and he was trying to fix his supper. He said he was going to put me on speakerphone. I was saying that I don't like talking on speakerphone and was trying to explain why. He responded that he was trying to fix his supper. I just said ok and bye and hung up. He could call when he was through. I didn't know if I ticked him off or not. It was not my intention. He never made any indication that I did.

 

This thing had come up in the morning (I had texted him about it at 9:10). In the text, I did not go into details, just that I was ticked. He could call me later if he wanted, but I couldn't talk then. I didn't hear from him until after 2 in a text. At the time I sent the text, I was too upset to be able to carry on a conversation on the phone. He called around 4, but I couldn't talke then because all the kids were right around me. One of us asked about the evening "pickup" plans. I said I needed to know before 5 if he was going to come pick us up because son needed to leave no later than 5, and we would need to go with him. He didn't think he would make it.

 

Then began the enemy attack in my mind. Forget about the issues from the morning. I was having very uncomfortable thoughts about what I might find if I went up in the middle of the night. I didn't like this. I am trying with everything in me to trust that he is what he says he is. Weeks like this push against that.

 

He didn't call back right away, and I missed getting to my phone to answer it. I called him back immediately. He thought perhaps I was mad and didn't want to talk to him. The phone was upstairs on the charger, and I was on the main floor. He explained that he called daughter and had a frustrating conversation with her. He definitely could see why I was so upset.

 

He also said something about the posts here which I had not yet seen. I think (know) he didn't like the mention of checking the paychecks. Actually, the paychecks and time sheets are not hidden from me.

 

This morning we talked on his way to work. Somehow we came around to my bringing up his thoughts concerning the checking of the paychecks and said that he probably doesn't even want to know what kind of thoughts I have had. He asked what kind. So I told him my thoughts about not knowing what I would find if I went up there in the night.

 

I think maybe he finally saw how much his misplaced priorities continue to hurt me. At one point he asked what I wanted for him to do concerning coming down to get me tonight or not. I said I wanted him to make sure that I know that I am more important to him than a job because right now I don't feel at all important to him. He apologized for making me feel that way.

 

I don't know where I will be tonight. That lack of knowledge is a big frustration in itself.

 

I will have to come back later and hash out this ordeal with our daughter. Most of it is actually already in my posts I think.

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This morning we talked on his way to work. Somehow we came around to my bringing up his thoughts concerning the checking of the paychecks and said that he probably doesn't even want to know what kind of thoughts I have had. He asked what kind. So I told him my thoughts about not knowing what I would find if I went up there in the night.

 

I think maybe he finally saw how much his misplaced priorities continue to hurt me. At one point he asked what I wanted for him to do concerning coming down to get me tonight or not. I said I wanted him to make sure that I know that I am more important to him than a job because right now I don't feel at all important to him. He apologized for making me feel that way.

 

 

I am glad you were willing to think about and discuss this with him. I apologize if it caused an unnecessary problem. I just know from my own experience that sometimes the best way to quell the enemy's thoughts is to see the proof. I also know that many times it was not the enemy, but God showing me to open my eyes and i was so busy trying to keep a loving non-suspicious attitude - because he was so adamant that he wanted me to trust him- that i was unable to look beyond my perceptions to accurately judge them. They were overwhelming to me either way: whether they were true or a reflection of my wounds.

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4evr, you did not at all cause any problems. I think you opened the door of opportunity to be able to discuss the issue. I don't know if I would have been able to bring up my feelings without that jumping off point. I am getting better about sharing my feelings related to the things he says and does...... sometimes. At other times, I just internalize and try to process it on my own. I don't know why because it always goes better in the end if I talk it out with him.

 

Tuesday night or Wednesday morning he had said that he would come down to get me Wednesday night "no matter what." After getting off the phone in the afternoon when it was determined that he would not be coming down, #2 son (who had heard my side of the conversation) asked, "Does he not want you up there or what?" How am I supposed to answer that? I said, "I don't know; it looks like it doesn't it? I guess he is just working over."

 

This morning #3 son (whom I had told that "no matter what" I was going to be picked up) asked me, "So what happened to 'no matter what'?" I replied with, "I don't know."

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Well, I just got off the phone with #3 son. In our conversation he asked if I got picked up last night. And last night when I got home #2 son asked if J was home here too. I don't know if he didn't know #2 daughter was home before us or not.

 

So.... last night! :) J sent a text (which I didn't hear come in) at 4:16 asking if I was going with #2 daughter as she went to orchestra practice. A half hour later he texted again, which I heard this time. Then he called and we made arrangements to meet. The bad thing about this is that I only had half an hour to get ready and find clothes to take for him. We met at #1 daughter's house (still need to hash that out).

 

I really wasn't feeling the greatest, have been achey all week. I thought after leaving home that I should have taken temp. and tylenol. That did not spoil his plans though.

 

He had gotten me three beautiful roses (2 red and 1 white) and had put them on the sun visor. I was very slow on looking up there and finding them. It's just not a place that I look, what can I say. And I was also upset and sick.

 

He took me out to the restaurant he had taken me to when we stopped at the covered bridge. It was very, very nice. This was my early birthday dinner (birthday is Monday).

 

On the way to the restaurant, he stopped at a gas station and got some tylenol for me. I had said I would be okay, but I am very glad that he got it. I took it as soon as we got out water at the restaurant and haven't needed any since.

 

After leaving there, he asked if I wanted to go home or to the other house. Home is where I wanted to be. I know he wanted the other house....no kids.....could be interesting, and that also gives him less of a drive in the morning. I said that when I'm sick there's no place like home... but I wouldn't push for my way. I would be agreeable to going to the other house.

 

We came home. I am so thankful for that. We had a wonderful evening, and he made me feel like I was the most important aspect of his life. ::love

 

Throughout the course of the evening there were three times that he just really wasn't listening to what I had said. They weren't big things, but this is where we deal with the behavior that the guys don't see isn't it. I really hate to mention it. The first was in ordering the side dish at the restaurant. I think he was so focused on making suggestions and saying that it was my day so whatever I wanted (we were sharing a meal so the side was for both of us), that he didn't hear me say, "If I was getting, I would get the steamed broccoli." We did this 2 or 3 times.

 

Then on the way home, it was which house to go to.

 

After getting home, since he has been up there so are his meds, therefore I needed to fix up last night's and this morning's and afternoon's meds for him. Not a problem. I was busy at the moment, and he got out the box and started asking about what he needed to get. I requested that he just wait and let me get it. He proceeded on to getting last night's, taking it, and putting it up. Well, I still had to pull it all out again to get today's.

 

We talked about this one. He apologized for not listening. He thought he was doing something to help me out. He now sees that the greatest help to me is to listen to me.

 

Those were just minor things. The first two were even forgotten about until now in light of the third.

 

None of them, nor the total of them, detract from the wonderful evening that we shared.

 

I feel very, very special to my husband! :eyes:

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I'm catching another thing here that I just want you to look at.

 

After getting home, since he has been up there so are his meds, therefore I needed to fix up last night's and this morning's and afternoon's meds for him. Not a problem. I was busy at the moment, and he got out the box and started asking about what he needed to get.

 

 

I get the fact that you want to be a blessing to him by getting his meds together. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. However, if you've done it so much that he doesn't know what he's supposed to take, I find myself wondering if you're really helping him. If you are gone, or sick, or for some other reason not able to do it, that might cause an issue. I realize I might not have the whole picture and again, I'm not trying to get you to do or not do a particular thing. I just want you to look at whether you're genuinely helping or rescuing. When we are learning not to rescue, we really do have to take every situation apart and look at it, because our tendency is not to recognize it when we've crossed that line.

 

I feel very, very special to my husband!

 

 

Awesome!

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Yes, that IS awesome! Hooray for both of you!

 

And, I want to be picky too, piling into what Looney said.

 

I also have a basic tendency to "look after" everybody in my world. However, by the time I got married at almost 35, I seemed to have it figured out that it wasn't good for "everybody" to have all the details of life looked after FOR him. "Everybody" -- along with myself -- needs to learn how to look after ourselves, just in case...

 

Therefore, I never did pack a suitcase for my husband nor have I ever looked after making sure his medications are refilled, etc. Even before he retired. (I do insist on folding his shirts for packing though...). ;)

 

In my opinion you would be doing your husband a favour to let him look after his own health. I guess you'd have to let him know first!

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