Aim: Get from Intimidation to Intimacy

[4evrHZdtr3]

WOW! So glad to get such a good report! God really has you covered with this psychologist, too. You were so brave and look what's happening!

[Looney_Tunes]

This is awesome, MJ! God is definitely up to something, and it's all good!

 

Tell your friend that I will pray for her hearing, and that she is welcome any Friday night if she'd like to join us.

[MaryJane]

Thank you Girls!

 

I'll give my friend your message, Looney. Thanks!

 

---

 

Z and I had a big long talk today on the phone. One thing we found ourselves discussing was The Apartment. We are considering KEEPING one here in the city. Not this one. We would find a nice "seniors" apartment. They have some pretty good quality places, I think, for a fraction (28%) of our income.

 

It would represent a safety valve for me (as well as for him). Also, when we are together, we can come to The City whenever we want without having to worry about hurrying back home before dark (Z) or about having to pay for a hotel room -- or anything! I'm quite warming up to this idea.

 

Another thing we got around to was Confidence. I told him that I would not want him to make himself "weaker" or a sissy in order to put me first for the rest of his life. I realized the other day, that he had the idea he would need to become sort of wussy in order to meet my emotional needs from now on. I told him I want a STRONG man to put me first! By "strong," I said I meant, "confident" in himself and in the Lord. I said we both need to live confidently with each other.

 

He seemed to have a light bulb moment about that.

 

So that was good.

[MaryJane]

Today is my first time at home since March 11th. I needed to go to the bank and also wanted to attend a farewell party for a lady I know.

 

I am planning to stay two days (and nights).

 

Z is treating me very well. He seems to be receiving what the counsellor is teaching about communication, eagerly. He also is aware of how it lines up with what we have already learned through this ministry. It almost looks like hearing a similar message from a variety of voices, is solidifying what Z already knows from Joel and Kathy.

 

We had our first session, together, with this counsellor on Tuesday. I brought up a little thing Z had said on the phone a couple of days before which had hurt me. We had already resolved the issue ourselves but talking about it to the counsellor resolved it some more.

[Looney_Tunes]

I'm glad things are going well.

 

I'm just concerned that Z. is just a little too happy with the current arrangement, but that was discussed last week on the helper's call, so I won't go over all that again. Just take a step back every now and again and make sure he IS making progress toward you moving back home, OK? If he continues to be content with talking on the phone a couple of times a day and seeing you just a few times a week, that would worry me. He needs to want you back more than he wants to breathe. You deserve someone who wants you like that.

 

{{{Hugs}}}

[MaryJane]

I'm glad things are going well.

 

I'm just concerned that Z. is just a little too happy with the current arrangement, but that was discussed last week on the helper's call, so I won't go over all that again. Just take a step back every now and again and make sure he IS making progress toward you moving back home, OK? If he continues to be content with talking on the phone a couple of times a day and seeing you just a few times a week, that would worry me. He needs to want you back more than he wants to breathe. You deserve someone who wants you like that.

 

{{{Hugs}}}

 

Thank you for that, Looney, very much. If I'm honest with myself, I'd have to say I'm a bit concerned too. One thing about it is, maybe I myself am a little too satisfied with the arrangement as well.

 

I feel somewhat disconnected to Z now. Maybe I'll have to ask him if he wants me back full time or part time.

[Looney_Tunes]

I feel somewhat disconnected to Z now.

 

That's normal. Z. hasn't been all that consistent in winning your heart back, has he? I'm confident that if he actually gets serious, tt he feelings will come back. In the meantime, God lets you disconnect so you don't go crazy.

[MaryJane]

THANK you, Looney! You're a good friend!

 

Z and I had quite a worthwhile talk today, I'd say, while lying stretched out on the creek bank, hoping to not attract wood ticks. (I did get one on my jeans.) The talk was initiated by Z. He asked me if there was anything I'd like to talk about.

 

I found out he does want a "mature" or godly marriage, and not a part time one. (I think a person could safely interchange "mature" and "OHM".)

 

Yes, it was positive. I can go back to The City tonight feeling a little lighter.

[Looney_Tunes]

I found out he does want a "mature" or godly marriage, and not a part time one.

 

Good.

 

I hope his actions will back it up.

[4evrHZdtr3]

Hi MJ.. Glad to see some progress! Sure glad you're being careful and i really like your level of self-awareness and honesty.

[MaryJane]

Thank you again, Looney and 4evr!

 

---

 

I still feel disconnected from Z. Maybe even more so, and it has been worrying me. If I allow myself to think about "things" I get weepy.

 

Here's an email message I have ready to send:

 

Dear Zed,

 

This is an urgent message from me.

 

Not only for the sake of our marriage, but also for your own sake, I'm begging you to drive away, to disown, to reject, to renounce the spirit of arrogance that keeps hounding you, that keeps isolating you.

 

I'm asking God to give you a revelation on this.

 

I love you, my husband.

 

MaryJane

 

 

Z has not phoned me today. That's unusual.

[4evrHZdtr3]

OK MJ.. Here's something I have been going through lately that has given me a great deal of peace... be patient because I think it might help you and Zed...

 

I have been asking God to go deep because He showed me that I needed a new foundation. So He started by showing me - thankfully ten days apart- two major issues. The first went all the way back to infancy and my attachment (lack of) to a person but rather to an ideal, a concept... I know that sounds totally weird, but you know how God will put just the right book or person or something in your face, so you get the message?

Well he did that.

I was speaking to my psychiatrist friend after reading some of Leanne Payne's work and he confirmed my impressions.

It was a simple little prayer in which i just forgave my mother for her brokenness and how that affected me, and asked God for healthy attachment, a sense of being and well-being, (both psychology terms having to do with developmental tasks as we grow and become separate from our mothers)

 

I had to take the results by faith but here is what has been happening;

I have a deeper sense of peace.

I am able to be more present for Marissa.

I am not so defensive when she accuses me of wrongdoing- even when it's straight from Bob's influences.

I am not so bound up by weird self-expectations and hidden rules that i am trying not to break.

It laid the foundation for the next big thing- which i will share another time.

 

But the core of it all is a deep self-acceptance that leaves me at peace- more willing and able to interact with others without a lot of rules or expectations.

Here's where I think it might apply:

 

When I read your post I immediately wondered if Zed's "spirit of arrogance" is his immature retreat into isolation and self-protection.. when he's feeling disconnected. Our normal response at disconnection is to seek re-connection. As you are doing.

 

But when we are broken from infancy, we isolate, reject, self-protect and busy ourselves with duties so that we don't have to be present. Because when we didn't properly attach to our mothers and then properly separate we are free-floaters with no sense of security or bearings. We then fill up all that scary emptiness with things and jobs and books and surface relationships.

But our call is relationship and connection.

 

When we are suffering from detachment, we tend to get sucked back into this dark cyclone that holds us captive .. and yes, the spirit of arrogance comes to feed on this wound or captivity... but it's not the problem... it's just a 'hanger-onner' and shows its ugly face in our self-protective defensiveness.

 

Ask God to show you if this applies at all.. if it doesn't then i just got to share my newest insight! If it does, then ask God to show you how you should pray and what you should say-

[MaryJane]

I have not sent the above email message.

 

But when we are broken from infancy, we isolate, reject, self-protect and busy ourselves with duties so that we don't have to be present. Because when we didn't properly attach to our mothers and then properly separate we are free-floaters with no sense of security or bearings. We then fill up all that scary emptiness with things and jobs and books and surface relationships.

But our call is relationship and connection.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to give such a thorough reply, 4evr! The paragraph I've quoted describes Z exactly, in my opinion! It's THE problem in our marriage.

 

I feel so overwhelmingly responsible as his "help" "meet". It feels like too large a job for me. But that's why I would be yoked together with Christ, right? So He can pull the most weight.

 

Thanks again, 4evr.

[Looney_Tunes]

I feel so overwhelmingly responsible as his "help" "meet". It feels like too large a job for me.

 

Remember that the helper does just that . . . helps. The person who is primarily responsible for the project is the one who initiates, plans, and makes sure it is completed. In this case, that's Z. It is not your job to make sure he does it, and if he doesn't, it is not your fault. It is only your job to assist him with the steps he is taking.

[4evrHZdtr3]

Looney,

Bob has no clue what the word initiate or make a decision means.. it seems like Zed may be that way too.. he may be attached to himself!! So what we call extreme self-centeredness is complete blindness.... and so he doesn't seek connection but gets busy doing instead of being.

How can we - help these men when we are only supposed to help and there is nothing there to help??

[4evrHZdtr3]

PS MaryJane...

Be encouraged. i just KNOW God has an answer for you. You are faithful and obedient and he sees that today. I think He is smiling!

[MaryJane]

I LOVE your PS, 4evr! I like the encouragement that God has an answer for me.

 

I'm not convinced that I'm all that faithful and obedient though. I feel I take lots of time off from that. It helps to remember that HE is faithful, at least!

 

Thanks Looney. It's just that I'm never quite sure why things have dragged on so long with us. Is it because I've been so abnormally easily intimidated that I shrank away from "helping" him enough ( or, were my senses correct and it really was dangerous to push him too far?), or has he really and truly not understood what the problem is (his negative attitude toward the world and almost everybody in it)?

Edited May 21, 2013 by MaryJane

[MaryJane]

I forgot I had this email ready to send. I think it's better than the one I didn't send, above.

 

Dear Z,

 

I thought maybe I could explain how I'm feeling by email better than on the phone.

 

It's this, when I think of living together with you again, for good, I get kind of a panicky feeling. It's because there still seems to be a tendency in you to think and speak negatively about women, and about people in general. If we were together all the time, I would still not feel free to talk. It hurts and it's oppressive to hear you make negative comments about people, and to see you choose to isolate yourself from other believers.

 

I don't understand it. It makes me feel very sad.

 

I'm asking God to give you a revelation on this.

 

I love you.

 

MaryJane

 

I think I might send Z this one, even though I already tried to say the same stuff on the phone tonight. Muddled it up quite a bit. Not as badly as sometimes, maybe.

 

I had told him there was something on my mind. He encouraged me to say it. To just blurt it out if I had to. I appreciated that. However, I knew he would likely defend himself, etc. And he did.

 

I told him it hurts me when he puts other people down, as in, when he said, "Secretaries!" in a disgusted tone of voice. He thought it was interesting that I put my own meaning on that one word. He didn't remember the incident clearly so couldn't come up with an explanation of what he "really" meant. He said he doesn't interpret tones of voice when people talk. He just takes in the words.

 

He said that I, MaryJane, love EVERYBODY. It sounded to me like he considers that kind of pitiful. I said, I don't necessarily LOVE everybody, but do look for the good points in people I'm with. He pretty well admitted that he looks for people's flaws. He said that we are total opposites, I LOVE everybody, he, I guess, doesn't. Neither way is good or bad, just different. That's what he said.

 

"Anyway", I said, after a bit of verbal haggling, "I just wanted to tell you how your comments (and I meant, attitudes) about people affect me." It's up to you what you want to do about it. (It felt kind of good to say that!)

 

He said at least I got it out what I wanted to say. I replied that I didn't feel one bit better though. (Although after I thought about it, maybe I did feel a little better.)

 

I don't want to fight and argue with him. I just want him to love God, truly, and love me -- and care a little bit about others!

 

He wasn't actually talking in a mean tone of voice, but his words were not terribly reassuring. I felt like calling off the marriage for a half a minute, but decided to wait a little longer and pray.

 

Not shut up and pray, Looney.

 

I don't suppose it'll do any harm to send that email.

Edited May 21, 2013 by MaryJane

[MaryJane]

There, I clicked Send. Now have to leave him a voice mail and ask him to check for it.

[Looney_Tunes]

I like that email.

 

As you said, it's up to Z. what he decides to do about it. I wonder what might happen if, next time you talk or email, you asked him if he thinks that Christ always looks for people's flaws. He is supposed to be emulating Christ. What's wrong with this picture?

[MaryJane]

Thanks Looney.

 

The picture isn't hanging straight.

[Looney_Tunes]

The picture isn't hanging straight.

 

That's an understatement. Personally, I think it's upside down and facing the wall.

[MaryJane]

Heh heh. Yeah, I know. There's also a big splotch of black paint right in the middle of the picture. It makes it impossible to see the real, friendly, loving Z -- only glimpses of him around the edges.

 

The paint is washable, however, and the picture is plasticized underneath -- so, the remedy is entirely workable!

 

No phone call from him today. I guess... Oh, nevermind. I'll stay out of his head.

[4evrHZdtr3]

I like this new MJ, who seems braver and more confident and able to smile more.

[MaryJane]

and I like your encouraging words, 4evr! Thank you!

 

---

 

I had coffee with Son 3's mother-in-law today. (She will be my second son's mother-in-law, as well, on June 29th.) It's the first time we've had a visit together, just the two of us. It was good! I ended up letting her read the email message I sent Z last night. She approved of it and I was glad. She and her husband already know that Z and I have been "working on our marriage" so I thought I might as well keep her updated.

 

I also had my bi-weekly counselling session with my worker from the shelter. She's such a sweet person. Young and pretty and wise for her age, too. She read the email as well. I noticed her nodding her head as she read each part. She said it was clear and now it's up to Z what he is going to do with it.

 

It may have been she who suggested that I probably wouldn't need him to be completely changed right away as long as he obviously saw the NEED for it and was commited to chang-ING.

 

Yes, I thought that was a good point and may need to let Z know it sometime. But not until after I hear his response to the email. (Just felt like making use of that emoticon.)