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God Save My Marriage

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MJ,

 

You may not feel like a helper, but... you are MINE!

 

After reading your last few posts, I am tired for you too!! Does he "get it" or is it just playing along...I don't know, but I am sure you know.

 

If I had had the offer to go somewhere peaceful when Prancer was so full of himself and his "i am not doing this because it is really about bending my knee to YOU" junk.. he may have NEVER gotten me back. ( hmmm, maybe that is why that did NOT happen! 8) )

 

I think there is more "running away" that is going on here than just you needing a getaway for personal sanity and grounding.....I think Z runs away on a daily basis....so what is the difference? I am frustrated with obtuse men...so I am venting here :?

 

I went and read chapters in the 2nd J&K book... to remind myself how the MEN need to step up.... I have a tendency to be a pollyanna and a fixer... and I needed a reminder of how this REALLY works. ( the MEN being the initators not us being the "fixers") I am behind you my friend... whatever you need in support ...I am there for you!!

 

((hugs)))

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MaryJane,

 

Praying for you, dear sis! You are such a blessing to all of us!! You have blessed and encouraged me so many times!

 

I know that this journey is difficult, but I pray that God gives you the strength and the courage to STAND UP and DO the right thing, no matter what it is!! You do NOT need to be afraid!

 

You ARE a helper to so many of us (official or not)! Don't get discouraged, and please stay plugged in here! You need us, and we need YOU!!!

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I think the definition of insanity for me is, that I have to force myself to start a conversation with Z about almost anything. I'm almost always afraid of his reaction -- even is it's a very slight disagreement with me. I guess it usually is. He so good at changing or rearranging the mildest, most normal comment or observation, even if it's only concerning the weather.

 

I'm very, very, very, very tired of it.

This is where Mr. B. and I were not so very long ago. This habit of theirs, to go contrary to almost everything we say, is ingrained so deeply and is so hard to get rid of. But in order for them to change, they have to be called on it every time, I believe. One out of every three just doesn't help them break that habit. Of course they have to be willing to admit what they are doing and willing to change.

 

A thought for you, IF you are up to this now (maybe you need a break first to get up a reservoir of strength--that would be understandable) ... before you decide to give up, screw up your courage to initiate these conversations, and then matter-of-factly point out the contary response. Every time. I remember saying to Mr. B., "Do you realilze that every time I spoke with you today, you said something negative or contradicted what I said?" And I went through each conversation.

 

Does Z know he is doing this? You have probably told him that he does it. But keeping track of it and pointing out the specifics may impress him in a new way with his negative behavior and make him realize how demoralizing it is for you.

 

Hugs to you.

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Thank you All!

 

I'm in a hurry. Packing up. Going to another friends place for a few days. Z has gone to town to check on our son's house. Probably to pray too. He knows I'm going.

 

I wrote a post yesterday. It didn't "take" on that friend's computer.

 

'Later.

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Here's what's happening:

 

Z. doesn't want to get on the calls anymore. He wants to just do it on his own.

 

He also doesn't want to have any "fellowship" with other believers, even in our own house. He thinks it would have to be the same "stuff" as takes place at churches.

 

This is how we're "stuck". I want us to "do" this marriage ministry, PLUS have "church" of some sort. He doesn't.

 

He seems very sad about the whole thing.

 

He went to check on our son's house while I packed to leave today (which he knew I was doing.) He came back just before I got away. He said he bought a bottle of brandy, sat across the creek at the other end of the farm and drank some of it. He said while there, he talked to his brother (who died a few years ago) and talked to his dad (who is also dead). He said he likes this farm, liked it from the moment he saw it.

 

He walked across the kitchen a little unsteadily. I said, "I've never seen you drunk before." He said something like, "I'm not even totally drunk."

 

His sister told me once that he was an angry drunk.

 

He told me last year, that when I was gone before we went to the Intensive, he had bought some wine. He sat and experimented with drinking some, but decided he'd better get off that track.

 

He has said numerous times, that he could never see the point in polite, social drinking. He used to drink to get drunk.

 

................

 

I just got here. It's a half-hour drive. I was crying and calling on God for Z. I feel very sorry for him.

 

...................

 

I'm asking Joel to call him.

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Mary Jane,

 

Sounds like you're "going dark" on Z a bit and perhaps that's exactly what he needs. You're being very strong right now in my opinion even tho you may not feel like it. You're sticking to your guns and not changing your message to him about doing the marriage counseling and church. He can't miss what you're saying now with your actions - tho he seemed able to miss your words.

 

I'm giving you many many ehugs and continue to pray for you!

 

"The Lord is my strength and my song and He has become my salvation!"

 

love you!

FW

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Hosannainthehighest wrote:

Do you know that Jesus is there with you? And if so, what is He saying to you right now in that place you are in?

I'm thinking that God doesn't waste a single moment in time, His plans and purposes are eternal. You are included in this, and there is something good for you even now.

(...oh it is so much easier to give encouragement than to receive it :roll: )

This is beautiful! Thank you, Hosanna!

 

.......................

 

Now, I have time to more carefully read posts.

 

.........................

 

Dory wrote:

Probably because, deep down, he knows its true. But if he denies it to you, he knows you'll side with him because you are so arrest... um ... "gentle".

Actually, he did say that it may be true to a degree. (I know, I know. I'm arrested!)

 

Dory also wrote:

I can see him backslide after I have been too easy on him. Sad isn't it?

My oh my! It sure IS sad! I don't like the thoughts of it, either. (Just in case I have to get back on the horse.)

 

Teafriend wrote:

If I had had the offer to go somewhere peaceful when Prancer was so full of himself and his "i am not doing this because it is really about bending my knee to YOU" junk.. he may have NEVER gotten me back. ( hmmm, maybe that is why that did NOT happen! )

 

I think there is more "running away" that is going on here than just you needing a getaway for personal sanity and grounding.....I think Z runs away on a daily basis....so what is the difference? I am frustrated with obtuse men...so I am venting here

Thank you Teafriend. That's one of the things Z said to me today -- again -- that I have to have it MY way. I said we had it his way up until 3 years ago or so... Which means it was his way for 25 years.

 

I want it GOD'S WAY!

 

Eeyore wrote:

You need us, and we need YOU!!!

Oh my. I feel like smiling now. :) Thank you so much Eeyore!

 

Miss Jane Bennett wrote:

Of course they have to be willing to admit what they are doing and willing to change.

This is a pretty KEY statement!

 

matter-of-factly point out the contary response. Every time.

ANOTHER key.

 

Does Z know he is doing this? You have probably told him that he does it. But keeping track of it and pointing out the specifics may impress him in a new way with his negative behavior and make him realize how demoralizing it is for you.

I'll try to remember that for later. Yes, for example, I've told him I need him to ASK me to do things for him. Not TELL me. His latest way to get around asking, is to say, "I need such and such." Then, I feel like I'm being picky, asking him to change even that!

 

Faithworks wrote:

Sounds like you're "going dark" on Z a bit and perhaps that's exactly what he needs. You're being very strong right now in my opinion even tho you may not feel like it. You're sticking to your guns and not changing your message to him about doing the marriage counseling and church. He can't miss what you're saying now with your actions - tho he seemed able to miss your words.

I certainly hope I'm doing the right thing. He said today, "You're still after those two things you wanted when you were away last time, eh?" "YES," I said!

 

He looked so sad and hopeless when I left. "I guess I'll cook some eggs," he said.

 

..........................

 

My friend came home and told me that she and another friend took some time and prayed for us this afternoon. There was some anointed prayer going on I know. I think she felt they had broken through in the Spirit in some way.

 

She also said that maybe Z doesn't feel like he CAN meet my expectations. I agreed.

 

She also said that maybe I think he can but won't. I think that, in a way, I guess.

 

I think he can, but there is some MAJOR blockage that he hasn't been able to step over yet.

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I'm sorry he's being such a stubborn old butt head, MJ. You have quite a way with words! :)

 

Just know that there are many of us who love you and would be happy to have you (although my house is NOT quiet, just so ya know!).

I could sit in a corner and enjoy it!

 

Or, help in some way. I'm figure I'm the passive type, but I CAN get up and help. If you tell me exactly what to do. A monotonous job would be fine.

 

Thanks Looney!

 

................

 

I guess I'm just sitting here waiting for something to happen. My friend is ordering pizza for supper! Her husband is our accountant. Interesting, eh?

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You can pet the dog. No one ever pets her, ya know. :roll: She will put her head in your lap and be happy to have you pet her all day long, and trust me, it gets quite monotonous.

 

But, if you insist on staying on your side of Lake Erie, do what I'm doing. Let HIM come after YOU. Rest and relax and enjoy spending time with your friends.

 

A little medicinal chocolate wouldn't hurt, either. :wink:

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Oh my! You made me laugh! :lol:

 

I was just going to check and see if Joel had received my message yet. My friend says I can phone him. We looked it up 0n her phone bill (which her husband looks after) and she has a 5 cent a minute plan.

 

OK, I'll pet the dog. When we stop in on our umpteenth honeymoon.

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That's one of the things Z said to me today -- again -- that I have to have it MY way. I said we had it his way up until 3 years ago or so... Which means it was his way for 25 years.

 

I want it GOD'S WAY!

 

See now? You ARE a great helpmeet .... and HELPER too! The title STAYS.

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I love how you said that MJ: I want it God's way!! Yes!!!!!

 

And Tunes, I agree with you: Let Z come after you now, MJ! He'll get bored with the bottle I'm sure. He doesn't sound like that kind of guy! It's just a little "poor me" syndrome!

 

I've got dog to pet as well! And He pets people back. Seriously, he has this paw thing going on where he pats your hand while I'm in the car especially. It's hilarious! :lol:

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I've got dog to pet as well! And He pets people back. Seriously, he has this paw thing going on where he pats your hand while I'm in the car especially. It's hilarious! :lol:

 

Just watch your coffee. :roll:

 

Next time maybe he needs his own coffee . . . wait. Dexter? Coffee? BAD idea! :lol: :lol: :lol:

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It is a good thing a province separates Z and I! I would like to march over there and grab that bottle and bop him in the head with it AFTER I bop him over the head with my high heel!

 

It is crazy how Z gets stuck in the same thing over and over again. It is like a scratch in a CD that is being played. YOu know the annoying sound that happens over and over again until you skip the song?? Somehow he needs to figure out how to just ERASE that song so it finally ceases to skip!

 

Is tomorrow morning a good time to call you MJ? I have Long distance so it will work out great! Let me know if that works for you! Looking forward to FINALLY connecting! It WILL happen!

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It is like a scratch in a CD that is being played. YOu know the annoying sound that happens over and over again until you skip the song?? Somehow he needs to figure out how to just ERASE that song so it finally ceases to skip!

 

Is tomorrow morning a good time to call you MJ? I have Long distance so it will work out great! Let me know if that works for you! Looking forward to FINALLY connecting! It WILL happen!

:lol: didn't realize how funny you were when we met. But we were both on our best behaviour, weren't we?

 

Do CD's do that too? I know records used to... :)

 

Tomorrow morning should be just fine!

 

..............

 

Dory wrote:

The title STAYS.

It warms my heart to hear you say that, Dory! Even after you hear what Joel advised me? I can tell, I'm going to feel like a marked woman.

 

Faithworks wrote:

He'll get bored with the bottle I'm sure. He doesn't sound like that kind of guy! It's just a little "poor me" syndrome!

 

I've got dog to pet as well! And He pets people back. Seriously, he has this paw thing going on where he pats your hand while I'm in the car especially. It's hilarious!

No, he's not really that kind of guy. That was apparently the Old Guy. Before he got saved. Before I ever met him. I've heard some pretty wild stories!

 

OK, I'll pet your dog too. As long as he returns the favour.

 

You know, I don't truthfully care whether I pet any dogs or not! :D

 

Looney Tunes wrote:

Just watch your coffee.

I forget, whose coffee are we watching? If it's "ours" (and what's his is half mine, legally), we have lots. It's hot and strong and perked.

 

And who's this Dexter anyway? I don't want to see and tall, dark and handsome man right now. Are still talking about dogs?

 

.....................

 

OK, this is serious. (Maybe I'm getting hysterical.)

 

I phoned Joel. He phoned Z. Z. hung up on him.

 

Joel phoned me back and advised me to go the hard route. I can hardly believe it, if you can believe that.

 

It feels almost like a death sentence.

 

That's all I have the breath for at this time.

 

God bless.

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Yep, Dexter is FW's dog, and he is a sweetie. You just have to watch your coffee because last time he did the paw thing in the car, he spilled my coffee. It's a good thing he's cute, that's all I'm sayin' . . . :roll:

 

And if the coffee's hot and strong, I'll be right over!

 

Just remember, sweetie, that just because Z. is CHOOSING to do the wrong thing, it doesn't affect your ability to minister to others. It's his problem, not yours.

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Joel phoned me back and advised me to go the hard route. I can hardly believe it, if you can believe that.

 

It feels almost like a death sentence.

 

That's all I have the breath for at this time.

 

Understandable Honey, he's a tough nut.

 

There seems to be a rash of this suddenly.

 

He's way too comfy in his faithwalk with that house and property as his security blanket. He seems all too happy being alone. Cold months are a coming... Not much fun sipping hot chocolate alone...

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Just remember, sweetie, that just because Z. is CHOOSING to do the wrong thing, it doesn't affect your ability to minister to others. It's his problem, not yours.

 

AMEN TO THAT!! You are not the only one who is in those shoes, girl!

 

Well, you don't have to "be" a "helper", you are still a blessing to me every time you post!! :wink:

 

I am also sad that Z is choosing the HARD ROUTE! But that is HIS (poor, poor) choice!! He can run from the truth, but that does not change the truth. And the truth is what enables you to hold you head high!! Please don't forget that!

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I think he can, but there is some MAJOR blockage that he hasn't been able to step over yet.
I guess we need to pray that anything hidden will come to light.

 

I am praying that you will get some refreshment, fun, and rest, with your friend. I'm so glad you had somewhere to go. My offer is still good if you need it. Thank you so much for your continual ministry of encouragement to me. You are a dear sister.

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