Aim: Get from Intimidation to Intimacy

[life giver]

:rotfl:

 

Love to read what the Lord and Z are doing to Heal Your Heart! Great way to start to solve the unknown...I believe as this continues you will eventually be able to vent...Because it will be safe...

 

Thanks for sharing,

In His Love,

life giver

[Miss Jane Bennett]

This is so encouraging!!!

[MaryJane]

Thank you very, very much, Ladies!!

 

Looney, for taking time out of your busy schedule.

 

Life giver! I'm very pleased to think you visited ME! God bless you!

 

Miss Jane, I'm glad. I hope you're OK. If you aren't, you WILL BE! When you're yoked up with Jesus, it falls to reason that he pulls most of the weight. (Hm. I think I've just preached to my own self!)

 

---

 

We've had a good day together, Z and I. He's been -- what shall I say -- attentive. Yes, I think that's the word.

 

I told him I thought I'd like to spend the morning upstairs praying by myself. He said he would go for a drive and when he comes home he would get himself something to eat. I wouldn't need to even think about a noon meal. I thought that was considerate.

 

I didn't get into any real deep praying. Kept stopping and starting. Listened to the ladies call off and on too. Hopefully, though, this was just the beginning of some good praying sessions for me on a more regular basis. Son 3 certainly needs it.

 

In the afternoon we went to the next town to do a little business and change the oil in the car. Ate a quick "meal" at A&W. I don't usually choose A&W myself, but it was alright for a change. Z had a Papaburger. I had a Mamaburger.

 

It was satisfying to notice, as we drove home, that at times, we were sitting there in comfortable silence. Such a treat!

 

Well, I need to get to bed.

[life giver]

Ahhhhhhhhh, I love that too...COMFORTABLE SILENCE, WHAT A TREAT!!! I never had that either before this ministry...Thank you Lord for bringing us to this place, and continue to help our husbands to realize that they are growing in grace, Christ like character and the fruit of the Spirit when they love us and treat us with kindness and consideration...Lord, help them too to recognize and experience the outflow of Holy Spirit through all of the healing they are selflessly providing.

 

Thanks for updating and sharing.

 

In His Love,

life giver

[MaryJane]

Thank you again, Life giver!! That's what you ARE, too, I see!

 

---

 

This morning, Z and I had a sweet half-hour of prayer! (There's an old song by that name -- "Sweet Hour of Prayer", I just remembered.) One thing that really touched me was that Z asked God -- in front of ME -- to forgive him for his shortcomings. I can't imagine him ever doing that in the past. That example of humility, alone, is very reassuring to me. We can't help but be on the right track, when our hearts are humble before the Lord, before each other!

 

Our prayers, today, are mostly geared toward finding the mind of the Holy Spirit for our boy, Son 3.

[J_W]

this is great, MaryJane, that you spent so much time in prayer together -- WOW!

 

just wondering, did Z list his shortcomings by name? or just in the one word?

 

 

 

prayerfully,

June of

[MaryJane]

Thanks June.

 

just wondering, did Z list his shortcomings by name? or just in the one word?

Just the one word, but he has been more specific directly with me other times. It's just that, for me, it was awesome that he was being humble before God, before me!

 

---

 

I'm glad I'm a woman.

 

If I was a man I'm pretty sure I'd be one of those passive husbands. It seems to be SO hard for them to change. (Of course, that's not the only reason I'm glad I'm a woman...) I tend to feel sorry for those guys. I guess there's no need, though. If little old me can stand up and begin to change (with outside help) so can they.

 

Maybe it's a matter of pride-breaking no matter who we are.

 

---

 

Well, I'm still getting fine-tuned. When I was young, I got pretty depressed a couple of times because I hadn't attained to being a super-duper, ideal Christian. (Getting depressed didn't help.) Now, I think maybe the main thing is that we keep on allowing God to fine-tune us. After all, He said in Philippians 1:6 (King James Version)

 

Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:

 

So, first thing this morning, I felt dissatisfied with myself. When I'm like that I also begin to feel afraid to speak to my husband, even concerning normal everyday plans. One thing leads to another.

 

Z was giving me absolutely NO reason to feel this way either! He was being affectionate and friendly.

 

Anyway, I overrode this bit of inner unrest and spoke casually about the daily life thing and guess what -- Z replied casually and thoughtfully! We had a nice little adult conversation.

 

This represents my latest tiny growth spurt.

 

God is Good!

[MaryJane]

Well, I'm going to update. My aim is to be concise. We shall see.

 

Here is how I felt on Saturday, the 23rd at 10:25 PM, as written in my notes to myself:

 

Being married is just simply TOO HARD! I don't see how I can do it much longer.

 

I felt "jumped on" by Z in the car this afternoon.

 

It was such a little thing... I made a comment about a shiny blue tractor in the scenery to the east. He changed the subject in the next split second. I went for HIS subject. He changed it AGAIN! All within seconds!

 

When I told him I felt jumped on, he took off. With defending and accusing me of a whole list of faults -- even my weaknesses from childhood! Which is the kind of thing that just about ended our marriage already!

 

I couldn't stop crying for almost the whole 80 mile trip. I don't very often sob in front of him.

 

He felt he was so concerned about Son 3 that he didn't have the emotional energy to deal with our relationship. I said, at one point, that if he concentrates on loving ME first, then the TWO of us can work TOGETHER on helping Son 3. Z said he's loving me with God's love. He doesn't have any of his own. (What a thing to hear from your husband!) Anyway, I think I said, "Good."

 

We were on our way to a planned first-time official meeting of the parents of Sons 2 & 3's girlfriends (sisters). We were going to take Son 3 out of the psychiatric centre for this meeting as well. So the trip was already somewhat emotional for both of us. Which is still no excuse for abuse.

 

Z could not seem to get it that he was hurting me, no matter how many ways I tried to tell him. Finally, when we stopped outside our son's house, Z said he was sorry and held me for a minute. He patted my shoulder and said, "Everything will work out alright." He really was dying to himself to do this, I could tell. Still, it didn't heal me right up. It did, however, help me straighten up and stop crying enough to do the rest of the day.

 

Here's how it went the next day, Sunday, April 24th:

 

Instead of going to church (we had gone to the Good Friday service), I drove around to the other side of our property and sat out there in the pasture for 4 hours, crying and praying in agony of soul. It came to me to pray for the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, to speak FOR me to Z! Then I came up with a note. Here's what it said:

 

Z, because you are my husband, I need you to Listen to me whenever I'm trying to express to you how I feel. I need you to listen with compassion, and no defensiveness.

 

I need you to Offer an apology, or, to say it saddens you to see me hurting.

 

I need you to Validate me. Tell me I'm still an OK person, especially to you.

 

Then, Embrace me. It would be so healing for me. You can't imagine!

 

The Holy Spirit will use you to Restore "what the cancerworm has eaten", so to speak.

 

Z, I love you with all my heart! I want our marriage to be full of abundant life! You've made some wonderful changes. Please keep on going.

 

I believe these things I've written are vital. God is in this.

 

Love,

MaryJane

 

PS

I just read (again) the beautiful apology letter you wrote me (awhile ago). Would you please re-read your copy of it? I believe it was hearfelt.

MaryJane

 

Then, I wrote along the side of the paper:

 

Would you do something for me? Re-do yesterday's apology using this plan? I'm still seriously hurting because of all your defensiveness and fighting against me yesterday. I need emotional nourishment from you.

 

3:00 PM I left Z the note and told him about it. Went up to bed as I felt exhausted. Came down at 7:30 PM. No mention of my note by Z. I went out for a walk.

 

Came in at 9 PM. Note on table from Z: MJ, I will answer your letter tomorrow. Z.

 

I wrote below: OK, but I'm in agony. My God, I'm in agony. I feel SO uncared for by my husband.

 

Monday, April 26th, was a good day, overall. Whew!

 

Z apologized first thing. He said the Lord had shown him that he had been operating in wisdom that is earthly, sensual, devilish, as described in James 3:15. What he ought to live by is the wisdom that is from above which is "first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be entreated", etc. (verse 17)

 

So, I feel that My Advocate spoke for me!

 

I have a wee bit more to say, but feel the need to do some housework...

[dory]

MJ,

 

In the past, how often did you let Z know of your pain? Via words or via letter?

[MaryJane]

MJ,

 

In the past, how often did you let Z know of your pain? Via words or via letter?

In the past, rarely. Almost never!

 

What I'm saying (or writing) to him now is BIG for me. I'm facing my Goliath and actually throwing those stones at him! My Goliath isn't Z. It's my fear of Z.

 

You know, I feel like real forward motion in our marriage has only just begun. I'm stronger on the inside (sometimes still DEEP inside) and Z seems to have decided to stick with "the program" whether he likes it or not. That, in itself, strengthens me.

 

I guess I had a little more to write as updating, but I think I'm going to put it off til tomorrow. We had a good day today. Z cut firewood while I threw it into the truck. I like that.

 

Oh yes. He purposely rearranged his wording, twice, today, and asked me to do something for him! Instead of telling me I "could". What a huge difference it made for me! He even asked me if he'd said it right. I hope I told him Yes, clearly enough!

[J_W]

dear heart,

sounds like there is some progress -- and that you are FEELing stronger...

 

am wondering,

did Z ask any of these types of questions today,

"how can I be a blessing to you?"

"What can I do to bless you?"

"Would ___ and ___ bless you if I do them for you?"

 

prayerfully,

June of

[MaryJane]

Hmm. Let me think. Well, no. I don't remember him asking those questions.

 

He makes coffee for me in the morning. He invited me on the past couple of afternoons, to take coffee down to the creek and sit there to drink it. Things like that.

 

But, no, not those questions. You've given me food for thought, June...

 

---

 

Now I remember a little more. He does offer to do things for me. Like rub my back, wash my back. But, to ask those questions... no, I don't think so.

 

I'll have to pay more attention.

[J_W]

hi MJ,

the reason I am asking these questions is because sometimes (oftentimes) men will do things for their wife that THEY want to do for their wife, not that it is something SHE would like done for her -- and so, IF he is wanting to listen to your heart and to live with understanding of you, then he needs to know WHAT will or will not bless you. -- I was also wondering because he had asked YOU to do something for him -- and not vice versa.

 

it is the growth part of a recovering marriage --

 

 

and now my other question is this -- has he ever gone through the abuse/power/control questionaire where he "owned up" to how he been abusive to you through the years? the reason I ask is because he only used that one word "shortcomings" in the recent prayer with you..

this is am important part because of the root of the problem has not been looked at and resolved (in part - as it takes time to work through the forgiving of it and restoration) then big bumps will keep happening

 

 

how do I know this? oh my -- I don't even want to think about it right now

 

I do believe that you are on your way to an OHM -- and the journey will continue AS you stand up to him, pray about the situations, and hold his feet to the fire (of the Holy Spirit).

 

prayerfully,

June of

[dory]

June is wise!

 

You wrote on another's string...

When I had been married 3 or 4 months, I found myself one day confiding to a lady about how my husband had been treating me.

3 or 4 months? You too, eh?

[MaryJane]

Thank you both for your comments.

 

A little thing was said by Z this morning, not even to me, that put my feelings right back to old hurts. Nothing big, mind you.

 

I feel overwhelmed again. It seems like the closer we get to an outrageously happy marriage, the harder it gets for me to speak up, ONE MORE TIME! Right at this moment -- and it's just the moment, I'm sure -- I want to quit!!

Edited April 28, 2011 by MaryJane

[J_W]

having just re-read this particular thread:

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/210-for-the-ladies-the-awsome-calling-of-helpmeet/

 

I would like to encourage you to read it as well -- it will give you some insight and hopefully some strength and courage to stand strong when Z is not being nice to you like he should be

 

prayerfully,

June of

[MaryJane]

Thanks June. I'll read it. Just not right this minute. Right this minute I want to quit, go on a holiday from all this helpmeeting.

 

Ted didn't do anything wrong either. Not knowingly.

 

[J_W]

most men are clueless about relationships with their wife! That's why God wants to use the wife to help the husband grow up by being his mirror, his MRI, his helpmeet

 

wearily for the wife, but with great rewards --

 

DO SOMETHING ultra nice for yourself today --

 

 

blessings and prayers,

June of

[MaryJane]

DO SOMETHING ultra nice for yourself today --

Thank you.

[dory]

((((hugs)))) sweet lady!

[MaryJane]

Thanks Dory.

 

I'm sorry, but I "can't" stop crying. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope, whatever that means. I just don't want to do this anymore! I'm tired of forcing myself to say all the little things that need to be said when they come up.

 

O God, I'm tired. I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore!

 

Z's been half trying to comfort me today. He touched me a couple of times. He's not getting mad because I'm down, which is a comfort in itself. I didn't get around to telling him today, what I've just said here. So, of course, he doesn't know.

 

His back is sore. He said he knows I'm struggling with something but he went to bed to look after his back. He's given me opportunities to talk to him. He remembers what we decided, that when I seem to be down and am not saying anything, if he hugs/holds me it would help. He did that once in the car this afternoon.

 

I should tell him I need him to ASK me what he can do for me at times like this, too. Something like what June said. I'm TIRED of forcing myself to tell him stuff like that. I'm tired of it!

 

I've got a bunch of stuff in me to get out and I don't know how to do it. I've kept quiet, well, pretty much all my life. Maybe there's a stronghold I need deliverance from. Or maybe I just need to keep "doing it".

 

I'm spitting out words, here. Don't take it too seriously.

 

I haven't done anything ultra nice for myself yet today, like June advised. It's 8:29 PM.

[dory]

MJ,

 

I was in that place last Feb 14th. As he becomes safer you can't help but crash. Either that or there is something else spiritual going on that he hasn't told you that you are picking up on.

 

Hold on, the Lord is on His way.

 

Give it all to Z. Don't hold back. Either he is IN this and can help you or he is out. Maybe that is what your spirit really needs to know, deep down. the only way to know is to give all that pain to him and see.

[MaryJane]

Thank you Dory, from the depths of my heart!

 

This is it! It's what I've been feeling for awhile now and couldn't seem to express it:

 

As he becomes safer you can't help but crash.

 

O God, I thank You SO much for these ladies!!

[MaryJane]

I had a nice little encouraging, helpful chat with John tonight on the conference call. I wrote down some of his suggestions for how to describe to Z what I'm feeling. My mind goes practically blank at tense moments like these.

 

I plan to let loose (within reason) in the morning. John has faith in Z that he will handle it alright.

 

I'm not crying right now.

 

I'm so glad for this place.

 

---

 

June, I read the first post in that link you suggested. It's good!

 

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/210-for-the-ladies-the-awsome-calling-of-helpmeet/page__view__findpost__p__3100

Edited April 29, 2011 by MaryJane

[MaryJane]

This may sound odd, but I have an appointment with Zechariah in 1/2 to one hour, for a "crashing" session. It was not hard to make this "appointment" either! John and Susan would be proud of me.

 

Z is a good man. I've known it all along.

 

Relief is on the way.