Aim: Get from Intimidation to Intimacy

[MaryJane]

You guys always get it back together. It's beautiful!

Thanks Faithworks!

 

btw: I'm not seeing PureinHeart anywhere on the forum. Any news?

I guess she got busy somewhere else.

 

I agree, the counsellor may help me become more confident at home. Away from home, I'm usually FULL of confidence! Doesn't make logical sense. It makes some sort of emotional sense, I suppose.

 

Well, I think I'm feeling pretty confident today. Z has been sweet to me. Some nice touches. He said something the "wrong" way once but it didn't seem to matter much and I was able to let it go. I believe he is still making the effort, overall, to change how he makes requests.

 

We brought in some more wood for winter fuel today. He ASKED me if I'd like to go out there with him. I LIKE throwing wood!

 

That's about it for today. God bless!

[truth]

Just wanted to stop by to say that I really appreciate you and all that you do.

Thank you for the love and compassion and sincerity that you pour forth.

We all love you so!

 

Did you see the wonderful post from Ed?

 

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/4999-just-do-it-following-the-instructions/page__pid__127609__st__0entry127609

 

 

Blessings to you MJ.

Have a great weekend.

[MaryJane]

Wow! Thank you SO much for stopping by like this, Truth! You warmed my heart with your words.

 

Yes, I saw the post from Ed. It's sad. It's challenging. It makes you think...

 

We have 4 sons. One got married last year. He and his wife read the books. (They're only 21! Good kids.) Another son is getting married in January. The books are being sent to him. He said he would read them. The other two are still single. One of them has read the books.

 

Sigh. What a big job the Lord has to deal with all of us! It's a good thing He's GOD!

 

There's always Hope!

[faithworks]

When we feel criticized, whether it's out loud or not, we feel it. And it does so easily make us feel off center and wobbly! You feel stronger when Z is affirming and gentle and kind. And he well should be. The next step would be for you to feel confident even when he isn't being positive towards you. To understand and know deep in your spirit and mind and soul, that it is HIS problem when he acts like that. It has nothing much to do with you at all. You're the same wonderful person you were when he was being nice to you. You haven't changed. It's HIM that changed!

 

Therapy can certainly help. And, in the final result, it's the Holy Spirit that will do the work in you. That you can turn to Him when you feel the least weakness (there's a scripture somewhere that says that.) I've had self esteem issues, too. Tho I tend to mask them in anger or a stodgy, false kind of confidence. But When I am close to the Lord, it disappears and I am strong. So, the trick is, to STAY close!!! There's the challenge!!! All things are possible in Christ who strengthens me...but it isn't automatic. I have to be in the position to let that happen.

[Little Redheaded Girl]

MJ,

 

I also NEED the question mark. We are working on that one too! I also like throwing wood. That made me smile to picture you and Z laying by winter supplies. I can also relate to your example of not speaking up. I'm glad I stopped by. You are so good at this.

 

Thank you for your encouragement lately. I need and appreciate it.

 

Love,

LRG

[MaryJane]

Ladies! This is SO good! Thank you for your replies!

 

All things are possible in Christ who strengthens me...but it isn't automatic. I have to be in the position to let that happen.

I love your counsel Faithworks! You're right, I need to feel confident even if he isn't being positive toward me -- and I need to allow the Holy Spirit to do the work in me. Sometimes that's the hard part -- giving up the struggle to do all the inner changing, myself!

 

This whole thing must be just as hard for us as it is for our husbands. Worthwhile, though!

 

Thank you for your kind words, LRG. So, you are a wood thrower too, eh? It's fun, isn't it? Z likes the help. He gets achy if he has to use the chain saw and pick up the wood for very long. Besides, you know, I think he likes my company out there. It's interesting.

 

I just have to try a little harder to get off the forums in time to get a full 8 hours sleep. And that sleep should start AT LEAST by midnight to do the most good! (I'm giving myself a pep talk. If it's out here in public maybe it'll take hold.)

 

For transparency sake, I'll say that I DO go to bed with Z some nights and get up later and get on the computer. He goes to bed at 8 PM sometimes! Isn't that shocking?

 

Today, we went to a funeral and enjoyed it. (Hope that isn't shocking.) The man who had died was 96. His daughter gave a cheery eulogy praising her father for his fortitude, perseverance and all round generous attitude. At the lunch later, Z got talking to the man's younger brother, 81. Turns out he is a born again Christian! (His son sang a beautiful solo at the service. I was told later that he sings on TV on the programme "Hymn Sing".) This lively 81 year-old got talking about the second coming and how the signs point to it being SOON!

 

Z said that he didn't see how it could happen right away, because the Body of Christ isn't in great shape yet. He said, for example, he thought he was doing fine as a Christian until he realized he wasn't the kind of husband he should be! He said that he's been concentrating on his marriage for the last 3 years or so, as a service to the Lord, so to speak.

 

This pleased me.

[faithworks]

I need to allow the Holy Spirit to do the work in me. Sometimes that's the hard part -- giving up the struggle to do all the inner changing, myself!

I totally agree. That's so hard for me, too. Then I manage it for a while and see myself taking it back again. But I keep on and I will get it right. It's not easy to find that balance.

 

It's great to see how you and Z work together. I enjoyed your story about the funeral. The man had a long and good life and you all celebrated it! That's how it should be!!!

[JoelandKathy]

Z said that he didn't see how it could happen right away, because the Body of Christ isn't in great shape yet. He said, for example, he thought he was doing fine as a Christian until he realized he wasn't the kind of husband he should be! He said that he's been concentrating on his marriage for the last 3 years or so, as a service to the Lord, so to speak.

 

 

This is wonderful! And yes, the marriages in the church have to get so much better.. and this ministry is helping that to happen. That makes the enemy take notice.. and thus the attacks that come our way sometimes. However... our job is to stay focused on helping hurting couples.. and enjoying our own Outrageously Happy Marriages (in some cases) and improving marriages (in other cases). Forward march!

[MaryJane]

Thanks people.

 

Son 2 phoned at noon and gave us the unhappy news that his girlfriend called off their relationship. He was very broken up about it. We felt badly for him, naturally. Then, the encouraging words started coming from both Z and me.

 

Z talked to him about dying to self and preparing himself for marriage whether they ever get back together or not. He gave him an example or two from his own fairly recent experiences -- of the last 3-4 years.

 

Son 2 read the J & K books a year or so ago.

 

She's young, 18, and wanted to get married. He wanted to wait a year, but of course, the waiting was getting hard... Etc. etc.

 

Sigh... Z advised him to call on the Lord, too.

 

Oh yes, after we hung up, Z and I prayed together for him and her and her family. (It's her sister who is marrying Son 3 in January.)

Edited October 4, 2011 by MaryJane

[faithworks]

Prayed together! Now that's breakthrough.

[MaryJane]

Uh huh! We've been doing that once in awhile, for, oh a few months now. Thanks Faithworks!

 

This afternoon I was out for 3 hours. Z phoned Son 2 while I was gone. He said they had a very good conversation. Z talked to him about some of the things we've learned through this ministry, like arrested emotional development -- and gave examples from his own experiences. He felt that Son 2 was encouraged.

 

 

Tonight, Z answered roll call on the conference call, talked to Jeff a wee bit, then we listened for about half an hour.

 

[Looney_Tunes]

Hi MJ! [smilie=hi ya!.gif]

 

I'm glad Z is being a decent husband, but on the other hand, I'd love an excuse to drive up there and kidnap you! It was fun having you here. When I get my millions, I want to take about 3 months and just drive all over and see everybody.

[MaryJane]

Hi Looney! How come you get to use that little "Hi Ya" man and I keep getting this message (on a PINK background): "You are not allowed to use that image extension on this board"?

 

Hi When I get my millions, I want to take about 3 months and just drive all over and see everybody.

What a great idea! You're a good driver. I'd love to come along. I'll pay half -- although with your millions, maybe it wouldn't really be necessary...

 

May it truly BE millions that you get!

 

I certainly had fun, too!

Edited October 6, 2011 by MaryJane

[Looney_Tunes]

How come you get to use that little "Hi Ya" man and I keep getting this message (on a PINK background): "You are not allowed to use that image extension on this board"?

 

Hmm. I don't know. It's not fair, though.

[MaryJane]

Hmm. I don't know. It's not fair, though.

It sure isn't!

 

[MaryJane]

Gotta "write" fast. Have to leave in an hour to spend the rest of the day with 2 "girl"friends!

 

Z and I had a good day yesterday and today has been fine too! Hugs, smiles, and kisses, etc...

 

Was without internet access all day yesterday. What deprivation!

 

 

[MaryJane]

SO need to update! But it's late, so have to be brief.

 

Z and I have had our ups and downs this month. On the 10th I spent 3 hours crying hard -- because I was worn out from forcing myself to speak to him and tell him about my little hurts from some of his wording, etc. We did get through that. He told me he didn't mean to hurt me. I chose to believe him and we gradually warmed up to each other again.

 

On the 15th we had a wonderful birthday celebration at our house for Son 3. His fiancee was here, as well as Son 1. While we ate birthday cake, we also talked to Son 2 on the house phone and Son 4 on my cell phone. The five young ones were joking back and forth. The two phones were on the table in front of us. Z picked them up once and had them facing each other so they could "talk". It was so funny!

 

There was lots of laughter! It was a very healthful evening!

 

On Monday, the 17th, I experienced a very nice breakthrough! Z was getting a little mumbly and grumbly about the TV. He was apparently concerned that I might leave it on PAUSE or MUTE too long. He was going to go to bed and was trying to give me instructions without sounding demanding, I think. I did NOT feel the need for instructions! "Normally", in a situation like this, I would be standing there trying not to fume inside, trying not to get hurt, waiting for him to finish and leave the room, so I could enjoy some time to myself.

 

This time, an "urgency" rose up inside me. I walked toward him, smiling, my arms outstretched, and said, "OH BE QUIET ABOUT THAT AND GIVE ME A HUG!"

 

It surprised us both! He smiled and gave me a hug!

 

He went up to bed happy and I went to the TV happy! Simple!

 

It was God's "urgency", I'm sure.

 

 

[MaryJane]

Yesterday, Z and I drove to The City where I had an appointment with "my" counsellor. (The first appointment was a month ago.) Afterward, Z met her and they talked for a few minutes about prayer, etc.

 

My session was very worthwhile, I felt! I prayed to release people in my past and present from any bitter root judgements I've held against them, etc. I felt better afterward. I'd been sensing that I still had something or other, negative, lying around inside me.

 

Z is even interested in maybe doing some of that.

 

We are going away today, probably for overnight.

 

Sunday, we are planning to go on a road trip for a couple of weeks!

 

 

 

[faithworks]

MJ, this is all wonderful!!! I LOVE the story of you just telling him to hug you!!! That is such a breakthrough for you and I am very happy for you. And that Z is interested in counseling also. Yay!! ::clap

[Little Redheaded Girl]

MJ

 

So glad to hear ALL of your good news. Grumpy old farmers ALWAYS respond well to hugs!!!! You are such an encouragement to me and so many others. Thank you. Enjoy your road trip!

 

LRG

[Princess Fiona]

Hi MJ!

 

I found you! I wanted to find you last week, spent some time looking, but am not familiar yet with navigating the board. It's so lovely to get to know you a bit better in this "virtual reality". You have been so encouraging to me, in even such a short space of time. Your heart shines through in all your posts to everyone.

Shrek is a farmer too! All his life, till about 8 years ago, when farming went downhill in this country, foot and mouth, and other stuff too. He went into demolition, and has enjoyed it but his heart is out in the fields. I hope he can get back into it one day.

I hope you have a great road trip. I will miss you.

Best love.

[Looney_Tunes]

Just popping in to say hi! I'm glad things are going well.

 

Oooh, road trip! Where are you going? Ya know, a couple of weeks is plenty of time to come and see me!

[Princess Fiona]

Hi again MJ!

 

I've been reading your string. Your boys are LUSH!(slangy expression for luscious, I think!)

My birthday is 19th June too!

Where you posted early on about being suicidal, and having a gun, and the thoughts you had about your boys. Oh my Gosh! This ministered to me soooo much. On Sunday, when we had our huge "blip" and I posted about felicia. That's what this was about. 5 years ago, over christmas. Awful, awful,awful. I came under attack in soooo many ways. Family, church, friends, job, marriage.It was a 2 week onslaught that felt like it would never end.

Shrek had lied about me to one of my best friends and her husband, their son was also Felicia's best friend since being babies. This friend attacked me in the most horrific way, blaming me for all our marriage problems and accusing me of having a spirit of lying and deception and manipulation. Shrek came home one night after going out with her husband, demanding a divorce, 10 minutes before I was going out to work. I was distraught, as at this time I wasn't really very clear on what he had been saying about me, the truth only came out later. I went into work, I was nursing a little 9 year old girl at the time, with cerebal palsy, severe respiratory problems, unable to swallow for herself.

She was choking, (regular thing for her), and my hands were shaking so much, I just couldn't get this catheter down her tiny throat to relieve her. I will always remember her small face, and huge eyes, looking up at me in terror and desperation,relying on me to help her, and I just couldn't find my fingers. It was awful. Her mother had to take over. She rang my boss the next day and told me she would rather I didn't come back. This was such a blow to my confidence, although I don't blame her at all.

On the back of this, amongst a build up of other things, I gave up work for about a year. I just lost confidence in myself, and my abilities to do my job properly, especially as I work with such vulnerable people.

I fell into a deep depression, just couldn't function,was just numb for months, a ball of confusion, I felt like one big open wound, stopped going to church, going out, socialising at all. I would lie in bed next to Shrek at night, wanting to die, but knowing I could not reach out to him, because his response and contempt for me would only make me feel worse, and go more downhill.

I would pray every night to God, to let me die, I would chant it over and over again. I saw no other way out. But knowing firsthand what a legacy that leaves behind for children, I didn't want that for Felicia, so I would ask God to take her too. I was too ashamed to post about this on Sunday. I'd tried to share it with shrek in the day, this is when he started pinching his nose and screwing up his eyes. I'm trying to share with him probably the most painful episode of our marriage, and he can't give me 10 minutes? I have listened to him and his issues for 10 years, and he can't give me 10 minutes?

Such a painful thing, I'm so sorry you too were brought to this place. Thank you for sharing it, and allowing other people into those dark places, so God's light can shine into them, and into those dark places in my life too. It still haunts me that I had those thoughts. Shrek did end up apologising, and listening to me, after I blew my stack and threw him out. He did good in the end. But I'm still grieving over this time of my life, still feel so guilty. Thank you lord, that I am not a monster, and you have given me a safe place to bring these things to. And thank you again MJ, for your gentle words to me the next day. Bless you. I'm still in 2010 on your string, I'm learning so much, reading about yours and others journeys. Am so grateful for the wisdom, and strength and courage of everyone.

[MaryJane]

Thanks Ladies!

 

faithworks, Hi! Yes, that was a definite breakthrough for me. I'm thinking now, that that was the new real ME speaking!

 

Little Redheaded Girl, "grumpy old farmers" that's funny! Z says farmers are independent. They're self-employed. They sit out there in their tractor in the field for hours at a time with only their own thoughts and plans to keep them company. That's why it's so often hard for them to listen to anybody else's ideas or to take advice.

 

Thanks for your Good Words, LRG!

 

Looney_Tunes, I'd LOVE to come and see you, but, we're heading WEST this time. Nov. 4th, Son 4 receives his diploma from the two year course he took after high school -- in Broadcasting. We decided to head out that way and visit relatives in the Rockies first, then finish up at Son 4 and his wife's place. Should be good.

 

 

Am so grateful for the wisdom, and strength and courage of everyone.

Me too!

 

Ahh! Another farmer husband! I like that. He understands sowing and reaping, then...

 

What an ideal date for a birthday, Princess Fiona!

 

Princess, thank you for mentioning that awful incident from my story. I've considered having the part about my boys removed since it's SO awful, but if it helped you, I'm certainly glad. I haven't told my sons about it yet and don't know whether I should. I wonder how they would feel if they happened to one day read this thread. It would be a shock for them, I'm sure.

 

Dear girl, you've suffered much. But I believe God is in the process of turning all that agony around and making it work out for GOOD!

 

---

 

Z and I got home today around supper time. His cousin had invited us to help them celebrate his birthday. His wife's birthday was yesterday too. They treated us and his two brothers and wives to a delicious meal at a great restaurant! Then Z and I stayed overnight at their house.

 

On our way home today, we bought a laptop computer. Just like that! Z had noticed an electronics store in a certain town and suggested we browse around in it. One thing led to another and out we came, smiling!

 

We'll pick up the computer on our way home from our trip, after the technician gets it programmed or set up or whatever you call it. He wasn't IN today.

 

Z said I'll be able to take this wireless computer to my comfortable bedroom chair to use it in the evenings and maybe I'll get to bed earlier... He's thinking of my welfare, right?

[JoelandKathy]

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/5118-the-dont-be-like-dale-competitioncontest/

 

Hey! Zeb is a PERFECT CANDIDATE for this contest!