Aim: Get from Intimidation to Intimacy

[faithworks]

There it is...he always comes back around. I know he isn't THERE fully...but I believe he will!

[MaryJane]

I certainly appreciate your cheering me on, Faithworks! Thank you!

[MaryJane]

This is from the most recent update on my public thread:

 

On Tuesday, Feb. 12th, I discovered that, on Feb. 4th, Z had CLOSED his credit card account through which he was contributing money for the men's calls!!

 

 

 

On Wednesday, Feb. 13th, I received a Valentine's card in the mail -- from Zed! It was his very first word to me after being away for two weeks. It's a beautiful card with lots of loving words imprinted in it. Some that came with the card were, "...and that I'll always want to be the one who shares your life..." Z made an arrow from that part and wrote, "I remember clearly this is what I wanted, when I was praying & seeking for you. Yes, I would very much like our marriage reconciled. I do care for you, MaryJane. Your husband, Z"

 

I have not replied as of yet.

 

What happened next was,

 

on one of the conference calls after that, the moderators suggested I ask Joel and Kathy on Monday (today, Feb. 18th) what they thought about writing Z a simple "Thank you for the card" in reply. My idea was in order to respond "good for good". I was about to get in touch with them today when Zed phoned!

 

I felt very off-guard, so didn't pick up the call. Here is what he said in the voice mail message:

 

Hello. Are you, uh, not at home? I was considering coming home I guess on the 22nd, er, or, when you go out to the wedding which (Son 2) said he's driving on the 23rd I guess. 'Cause as far as Kathy and Joel go I'm finished with that...stuff. But I'm willing to do, to be, the husband the Lord wants me to do according to His Scriptures. So I don't know when you'll get ahold of me. This is (Son 2's) phone, so... Okay.

 

Oh God, I felt SO scared and nervous and upset and on edge and unable to sit down, etc.

 

I phoned Joel and asked him to listen to the voice mail. He did, and offered to be my "big brother" and call Son 2's phone to speak for me. I agreed.

 

Later, Joel told me no one answered his call, but he left a nice compassionate message saying that I (MaryJane) love Z, that Joel and Kathy love us, and that I need Z to get back into the ministry to help heal our marriage. Something like that.

 

I realize today, for sure, that I cannot talk to Z any other way except on the conference calls for now. He overpowers me!

 

Then, about 5 PM, our time, I sent an email to a lawyer asking if It would be legal for me to leave the door locked when I go away for 3 days on the weekend. (I believe I have the only house key.) And I asked him if it would be in order for me to make a police complaint if Z should choose to break in.

 

Hopefully, I will receive a reply tomorrow.

 

Tomorrow evening, I'm going to The City for a wedding shower for Son 2's fiancee. I plan to take 3 pieces of business mail which came for Z lately and give them to the fiancee so she can give them to Son 2, so he can give them to Z (who staying at his house).

 

I talked to my sister tonight. She suggested that Z may have the idea that I expect to need Joel and Kathy to hold our hands for the rest of our lives, and he doesn't want to face that.

 

Here is what I would like to write on the outside of one of the above envelopes:

 

Zed, thank you for the Valentine card. It's beautiful.

 

I do not want you to come home while I'm away at the wedding. For awhile, I need to only talk to you on conference calls. I'm too easily intimidated by your forcefulness, otherwise.

 

I wouldn't want us to "need" conference calls for the rest of our lives. Just until I don't feel that intimidation anymore.

 

MaryJane

 

 

(edit for spelling)

Edited February 19, 2013 by MaryJane

[MaryJane]

This is what I've written on a white sheet of paper and placed inside one of the pieces of mail. (I had opened it since it was addressed to both of us.):

 

Zed, thank you for the Valentine card. It's beautiful!

 

I do not want you to come home while I'm away at the wedding. For awhile, I need to only talk to you on conference calls. I'm too easily intimidated by your forcefulness, otherwise.

 

I wouldn't want us to "need" conference calls for the rest of our lives. Just until I don't feel that intimidation anymore. Joel and Kathy say that when a couple has been living in a great marriage for 3 years, the husband and wife wouldn't ever need to speak on a conference call again!

 

We already have a good start made in that direction, in my opinion. Let's finish the race!

 

Love, and God be with you,

 

MaryJane

 

PS

 

I'm going to make sure the water pump is shut off, that there's no fire in the stove, and nothing electrical is turned on that shouldn't be.

 

 

Now, hopefully the snow plow will get here in time for me to get to The City tonight. There are 2 - 3 foot snow drifts in my way!

[4evrHZdtr3]

Sounds good.. MJ.. Have a GOOD time at the wedding!

[MaryJane]

Thank you, 4evr!

 

The wedding shower was very nice tonight. What I especially enjoyed was the trip there and back. Z's sister, B, went with me. I "confessed" to her what I had done in having her brother leave our house 3 weeks ago. She was very understanding.

 

When I tried to explain why I did it, she filled in a gap with "he was being mean". I told her he is not really mean like he used to be, but because I hadn't done anything about it for so many years, I still feel the slightest thing. She nodded with understanding.

 

We chatted and chatted for an hour and a half going and an hour and a half coming back -- about our families, about personalities in general, and so on!

 

Z has not encouraged much interaction with his family over the years. I intend to keep better connected to her and to some of the others, now.

 

Saw Sons 2 and 3 briefly as they were assisting with setting up for the shower. I enjoyed seeing them a little extra, tonight, somehow. Gave my note to Son 2, along with the mail, to pass on to Z.

[4evrHZdtr3]

One day at a time.. One step at a time... PEACE.. PEACE and more PEACE in Jesus name!

[MaryJane]

Thank you 4evr. I'm not doing too well, sometimes, receiving PEACE -- or, taking one step at a time. I keep looking ahead and seeing the worst case... It makes me very sad.

 

I'm listening to worship music right now, though.

 

There has been no response from Z to my note, above, which he must have received at least by the time he got up this morning.

Edited February 21, 2013 by MaryJane

[Looney_Tunes]

{{{Hugs}}}

 

Sometimes you have to go one minute at a time.

[MaryJane]

Thank you Looney. You speak from experience, I know.

 

---

 

A day and a half and no word yet in reply to my request that Z NOT come home while I'm away -- or, just before I leave! I'm desperate for him not to do that.

 

This morning, I sat down and read to myself, aloud, Isaiah 51 and 52. That was good. Chapter 52, verses 7 - 9 touched me (made me cry, in other words) in a good way.

[4evrHZdtr3]

OK.. I'm thinking of a song I like.. I am going to find it for you. I think it will encourage you as it does me... but off to church right now and then tomorrow.. Until then

 

[MaryJane]

OK. Thanks 4evr! You're a good person!

 

---

 

Tomorrow's plan is to go to the next town and stay overnight at my friend's house. Son 2 will meet me there, on his way from The City on Saturday morning. 12 hours later, we should arrive in the city of the wedding!

 

I think it was my friend who said to leave my marriage problems behind and enjoy the wedding weekend. So I'm going to do that.

[Little Redheaded Girl]

I just know you will have a wonderful time MJ! Thank you for supporting me while you are struggling too. What a wonderful place the forum is.

[MaryJane]

What a wonderful place the forum is.

 

It sure is! Thank you for visiting me, LRG. Being over on your thread seemed to cheer me up some! God is Good.

[MaryJane]

The wedding WAS great! Both Son 2 and I were glad we made the effort to go. 12 hours there and 12 hours back. I had an extra 40 minute drive to get to my brother's house after the wedding, stayed there that night and drove back to the city in the AM to pick up Son 2 for the 12 hour trip home.

 

A lot of driving, but a lot of good visiting too! Son 2 and I had such good talks both ways, especially on the trip back home. I did ask him one question about Z. I asked if he thought his dad would try to go back to our house while I was away. He said, "Yes," since he had noticed Z's bags were packed and in his truck before Son 2 left for the wedding. My heart sank, but Son 2 talked at length about marriage. He seems to understand my side better. He talked about the things he is learning and changing, in order to treat his future bride well. I was greatly encouraged!

 

Monday night, Feb. 25th, when we arrived back at "The Next Town" where my friend lives, I asked her if I could stay the night while I decide what to do about Z being at home.She, of course, agreed.

 

Tuesday morning, Feb. 26th, I phoned our house number. Z answered, said, "Hello." I hung up. I was just making sure he was really there. I made an appointment with the lawyer to talk about the possiblility of applying for an "Order of Exclusive Occupation" which he had mentioned when he replied to my email. Stayed at my friend's overnight again.

 

This morning, Wednesday, Feb. 27th, I went to a ladies' Bible study with my friend. At the end, they asked for prayer requests. I did not give one. When there were only two other ladies left, my friend asked them to pray for me. I ended up talking to them about my marriage. One of them is a psychiatric nurse and works for a crisis intervention centre. She agreed that I need soneone with me to talk to Z. She gave me her phone number and the crisis centre number. Then they prayed. I felt such support from them! It was SO good! God is Good!

 

2 PM this afternoon, I kept my lawyer's appointment. To get the above-mentioned "order" I would have to have something like a divorce proceeding in place to base it on. Or, there was some other thing he could do to make it go quicker but I think I would still have to have a divorce filed. Anyway, he mentioned his writing Z a letter. I latched onto that idea.

 

So here is my plan for now:

 

1. Ask Z's sister to go with me to talk to him. I called her this afternoon to see if I could visit her to TALK. I told her my idea, briefly. It gave her some pause, but she seems willing to help. I'm going to her house this evening to discuss this. Maybe we'll be able to talk to Z tomorrow.

 

I would re-iterate my request that Z get a room somewhere else and talk to me ONLY on conference calls for awhile.

 

2. If that doesn't work, the next thing I would try is to have the lawyer write him a letter.

 

3. If that doesn't work...

[4evrHZdtr3]

OK.. MaryJane.. I am sorry you are having to do this.. but not.. you actually sound so much braver! and you are keeping your love on.... GOOD for you!!! I'm proud of you.... well thought out, methodical steps.. giving grace.. and letting God rule and reign...

[Little Redheaded Girl]

Yes Mary Jane. I am in agreement with 4evr.

[MaryJane]

Last evening, I went to Z's sister's house at 7 PM. She is 5 years younger than Z. We had a very good discussion. As she said, I probably know Z better than she does. However, she told me, in brief, what growing up was like at their house.

 

Their mother lectured from morning til night.

 

The father was grumpy.

 

Z was often getting into trouble.

 

Women were definitely considered second class citizens.

 

My SIL realized during our talk that I have been too passive with Z. She talked, kindly, about various conferences she had gone to during her physiotherapy work years. They were taught how to teach doctors what they knew, as well as how to learn from doctors, all the while maintaining their own self-respect. Her overall suggestion to me was that I go home and be assertive -- and if that didn't work, divorce him! His own sister said that. (She's not a born again Christian yet, I'm quite sure.)

 

She gave me a very warm Christian-style hug when I left, though!

 

I didn't bring up the idea again of having her accompany me home to talk to Z. I had a feeling she wasn't eager to do that.

 

---

 

This morning at 10:30-ish AM, I phoned Zed!

 

I had 5 statements written out to say to him. I read them, I think, as though they were impromtu. They were,

 

1. I'm disappointed that you decided to ignore my requests.

 

2. I want you to move out again so we can work on our marriage from a distance for awhile.

 

3. You asked me to marry you. I left everything to come here in response to your declarations of love. It's up to you to do everything possible to make me want to stay.

 

4. The fact that you show me some love for a few days, then turn around & look for "reasons" why you don't HAVE to love me -- hurts!

 

5. I need you to love me every day for the rest of your life, no matter how you feel! (Now, I'm not sure I got to this last one.)

 

I asked my friend if she would mind listening in on the conversation. She muted another phone and heard the whole thing. I was thankful for that. I'll ask her later if she heard me state number 5.

 

Here are some of the things Z said:

 

"What requests," he asked, to my statement, above?

 

I'm definitely finished with the J & K stuff. You probably don't know some of the horrible things he says to me. That's what I don't like and I'm not taking it anymore. I've just gone along with them because I wanted to stay married to you.

It's my house. I'm not moving out. I said it was my house too. He said I could live there.

 

I was reading the Bible and praying most of the time I was at Son 2's house, he said.

I'd be willing to try another counsellor or ministry. "Have you talked to the pastor about Joel and Kathy", he asked? I said they haven't even read the books we gave them.

 

"Where's my gun," he asked? "I'm not telling you," I said. He talked like he was surprised I thought he might use it on me. I asked him how I was supposed to know what he might do. He referred to my action as stealing. I said I didn't steal it, I hid it.

 

He also offered that I could come home and get some more clothes if I wanted to, that he wouldn't hurt me.

 

Eventually, I said I felt like we had talked long enough and I was going to hang up. He tried to keep talking. I hung up.

 

I felt terrible afterward. Felt like crying for hours, but someone came to my friend's door so I had to "suck it up." I tried to read Scripture, but most of the words went by me.

 

Z was not speaking angrily on the phone, just kind of matter-of-fact-ly. I really don't know what I'm going to do next. Might go home and live like strangers for awhile. At least I'd have more changes of clothes, my own computer, etc.

 

He might pressure me for his gun back, though.

 

I don't WANT to divorce him! The thought of it makes me cry.

[Looney_Tunes]

{{{Hugs}}}

 

I'm sorry you have to do this, but you're doing the right thing. Of course that doesn't make it feel one bit better.

[4evrHZdtr3]

Oh MaryJane... Oh... I will pray for you both. Take it slowly... You are a wise woman. You will make the right choices...

 

His words are fighting words.. for sure.. He's saying, "I will have what I want, when i want and you can't tell me what to do.. I am going to have marriage MY way.. not God's way... and if you want to join me on my planet, I will be happy to let you." So sad!!!!

[MaryJane]

Thank you very much Looney and 4evr!

 

This afternoon I called my sister to give my update. She likes to know. We were practically finished talking when Z phoned! He said he was sorry for not doing marriage right all these years. He does care for me, so that must mean that he loves me. He said when he went to Son 2's house, he determined to pray for an hour a day, and did it, except for a couple of days during those 4 weeks. He thought if I came home, he would willingly pray with me every day, if I wanted to. He said he knew he had failed at doing that. I said, "You didn't like to hear me praying in the past because I "prayed like a Pentecostal". He apologized for that.

 

I was already feeling emotional when he called so all this apologizing got me blubbering a bit. I said I would think about what he said. He was good with that and we hung up quietly, together.

[Looney_Tunes]

Sigh. Is there a stupid man virus going around? I think we have an epidemic.

[MaryJane]

Oh Looney, you made md laugh!

 

A few minutes later, Z phoned. He said he didn't know whether he should wait for me to call him or if he should call me. (It's beyond me how he could not know.)

 

Anyway, he decided to initiate the call. Good. He didn't know what to talk about. I said I didn't either. I said I might go to The City with my friend. Then we talked, for a minute, about renewing our passports.

 

He could probably tell that I was feeling a little tearful. Just hearing his voice and having him speak to me kindly makes me cry in my heart.

 

I thanked him for calling and we said good-bye.

[MaryJane]

Why don't I know what to do?

[Looney_Tunes]

Because you are a responder, and until you see what he's going to do, you're kind of up in the air.

 

That's in your marriage, of course. For YOU- well, you pray, plan, play, and praise. You decide what you are and are not willing to live with. You hold firm on the boundaries you have set. You cry if you need to, laugh when you can, and just take one minute at a time.

 

And you talk to us, and indulge in periodic doses of medicinal chocolate.