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God Save My Marriage

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Ok, I talked to Looney for a few minutes, on her call last night and was encouraged. :)

 

Here are my notes, so far:

 

March 2, 2013

 

I got home about midnight last night. The lock had been changed on the kitchen door -- the only door we had a key for! At least it wasn't actually locked!

 

I found a key for the new lock in Z's pocket, but couldn't find a second one. New locks usually come with two keys, don't they?

 

6:30-ish AM: Z came through my room surprised to see me here. He tried to hug me in bed, but I wasn't very responsive.

 

7:30AM: Z came upstairs with a cup of coffee and a slice of toast. He said he wanted to do something to let me know I don't have to be afraid of him. I thanked him but wasn't otherwise very warm toward him. He was hesitating as to what to do next. I said, "I think we might be too far gone." He turned helplessly away and went back downstairs. Not angrily, just not knowing what else to do.

 

8:59 AM: I haven't slept a wink all night. Am still trying. No sense getting up. Don't want to get into any kind of talking match with Zed.

 

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I can't do this, any of it! I'm such a pansy! All I can do is cry, and stay in bed. Z came through the room a few minutes ago and said he was glad I came home and that he knew it would take awhile...

 

I didn't tell him that when I got rested up I was going to look for another place to stay. The only message I left him when I came home last night was, "I felt like I had nowhere else to go." I haven't really said anything else to him yet.

 

I did ask him why he changed the door handle/lock. He said he didn't really know how things were going to go.

 

O God, I can't do this!

 

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MJ... The most important thing to remember is that following the marriage teaching- as explained by this ministry that follows the correct understanding of Ephesians 5- is the way to go... if Z. doesn't get it through J & K, he still needs to get it... and you still get to help him get it...for your marriage to work the way that you now know is God's plan so that both of you can be blessed. I believe Z thinks he is rejecting Joel's approach, but really he is rejecting God's call to blessing and life - for both of you...

 

It seems to me that Z loves you and wants to do marriage with you- but at his pace, in his timing, without correction from Joel- and maybe without correction from anyone?? His coming home when you asked him not to and changing the lock but leaving it unlocked testify to this, I think.

 

It really sounds like if there is a way to get Z to talk about his intentions and lay them on the table...while having any third person there that understands the true Biblical principles of marriage would be awesome - and necessary at this point.

 

There's a saying.. "there's more than one way to skin a cat"

I am praying that you find that path - that is God's design and call for you... to the same goal because nothing is really too far gone!

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And one more thing.. Z. is like a drowning man who's trying desperately to save his life and his rights to his house and his opinions and his way...

 

BUT Jesus said that for us to find life we have to DIE!!! Right up there with LOVE your enemies!

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What 4evr said . . . all of it.

 

I know this is hard. I also know you can do it. Nobody said it would feel good, though. :(

 

My pastor's wife posted this this morning ~

 

"The measure of a man is not found in how well he gives correction, but in how well he receives it." the Word is timeless ". Give a wise man wisdom (correction) and he will LOVE you, give a foolish man correction and he will HATE you. Can't get any simpler than that .

 

Maybe you should print that out and stick it on the bathroom mirror.

 

{{{Hugs}}}

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Ok you two, don't you know I'm feeling sad and unhappy? (I suppose those are synonyms.) it's out of place for me to smile, first at 4evr's post, then chuckle heartily at LOONEY's? You made me do that!

 

:D

 

Thank you. :)

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:)

 

WELL, about 5:30 pm, 12 minutes after I wrote the above post, while "cooling" outside for a walk, Z initiated a heart-to-heart talk! A breakthrough has begun. I'll try to find an opportunity to describe it tomorrow. Right now, I need to go to sleep.

 

Z has offered to take me to church tomorrow. I asked him to not smoke in the car and he agreed. He also formally invited me to go out for lunch with him after church. (Just a couple of after effects of the breakthrough.)

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Looney, I read your post in the car after we came out of church, on our way to the restaurant for lunch -- and had a good laugh! Thanks. :D Couldn't find a good opportunity to post until now.

 

---

 

You girls are GOOD! I don't know what I'd do without you! My friend in the next town is good too. She takes me into her house at the drop of a hat. Her husband just smiles in the background. Sometimes he teases. And her advice to me is sounding more like Joel and Kathy's than it used to, too!

 

That breakthrough I mentioned above may have begun at 7 PM, not 5:30 PM, yesterday, as I wrote. (Minor detail, I know.)

 

Yesterday, I was feeling hurt and sad and tired all day long. Z cooked supper and served it and I let him. Then, he invited me to participate in some heart-to-heart talking. He cleared the table and we sat down to talk. I told him I was just simply very hurt, to the core! I told him I didn't understand why he did the opposite of what I specifically asked -- that he NOT come home while I was away last weekend! He eventually apologized for that.

 

I said I think there is a stone pile of objections inside of him that needs to be destroyed. Objections to me and to a whole lot of other people. It's the objections to me that bother me the most.

 

I can't remember just now, everything we talked about. All I know is that when we were done, we prayed together.

 

Z did most of the praying in English, which I like. He actually gets quite anointed when he prays. He thanked God for me. He persevered past the short time when he normally would just quit. I sensed where that point was and felt encouraged that he went past it. He asked God to forgive him for not treating his wife right all these years. He prayed for our sons and daugters-in-law. It blessed me SO much to hear all of this!

 

We worshipped the Lord together! That is really all we need, I think. To be open and transparent and humble before the Lord -- together!

 

It's all it took to turn me from feeling totally sad and hurt to feeling peaceful and relaxed.

 

I asked that he listen with me to a couples' call once a week for half an hour. I suggested Wednesday nights. He agreed.

 

We cuddled up on the couch watching curling until it was time to go to bed. I was beat and asked that we not crawl into the same bed last night. He agreed (which was not his first choice, I know). Besides, even if I wasn't wiped out, the complete change in our situation was too sudden for me to wholeheartedly go "all the way" so soon.

 

Today, was so nice! We went to church, out for lunch, back home, spent some time in bed in the afternoon, watched some more curling, I offered to cook pancakes and bacon, we ate in front of the TV, then cuddled up on the couch.

 

We've done lots of hugging and kissing today. He CAN do that.

 

Oh yes, he is not smoking at all in the house since I've been home. I asked him not to smoke in the car and he didn't. He went much longer than usual between smokes, I noticed, too. He is talking and thinking about quitting smoking altogether.

 

SO, the plan is, PRAY!

 

Oh yes, we're going to work on sleeping together too. ;)

Edited by MaryJane
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:D

 

That all sounds pretty encouraging, MJ. And I think the Wednesday call is a good choice - Steve and Melissa aren't likely to get his hackles up.;)

 

Thank you for updating. Now I can go to bed happy. I did get a fair amount of laundry done, though. :D

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Wow! A breakthrough in the making. Cool! I had a feeling he would end up turning around, but ya never know for sure. Some of the guys who have come through this ministry, have really surprised me by not doing this life.

 

Ted, has this cycle and we kind of figured he would turnaround, but I am just wondering when he is going to "sell out" to laying his life down for you, his bride. He needs to take up his cross, which at this point n time, is him wanting to DO things his way. ie, sleeping arrangements.

 

He set that into play 30 years ago, which was so selfish of him. He stole, 30 years of "cuddle time" from you. So not cool. Time for him to "make up" for the years of cuddle time lost.

 

The latter years, greater than the former years.

 

Will he be willing to go back 30 years to undo the wrong and move forward to fix it? Speaking faith....YES!!!

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Looney, I'm glad I was able to help you get so much laundry done! :) And thank you for passing on Melissa's message, although I was sorry to hear it. They're okay though, right?

 

Eeyore, thank you for those words!

 

Kathy, thank you for your encouragement!

 

Z and I had a good day. I'll try to update more thoroughly tomorrow. :)

 

 

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Oh, thanks for telling me Eeyore! It seems I have been worried about everybody these days. :rolleyes:

 

Z and I prayed together again yesterday. That was very good! Hugs, smiles, kisses, probably not 20, but enough. Cuddled on the couch again in the evening.

 

Went to bed together. Z read for awhile. I chose to just rest. (Next time I plan to read too.) Then, well, ahem... We were in bed together a total of about 2 hours! That's good for us. I like the feeling of companionship and normality in the reading-in-bed thing -- together!

 

Last night I received an email from Z's sister, the one I confided in last week. I want to show you part of it because I think it's pretty nice, considering we have never really talked heart-to-heart before (once, re our sons' problems) and, she isn't a born again Christian, as I'm sure she would agree.

 

 

I am glad to hear from you and that you have made some decisions. Remember that only you can make you happy ….organize your life so your needs are met and be assertive with “I” statements; the only behavior that we can change is our own. Then see the different response we get from others..it is magic !

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