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God Save My Marriage

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I've been a little worried about you, MJ. I'm glad you posted.

 

I agree with 4evr, as usual. Keep pointing your son and DIL back to what God says about marriage. They will evaluate Z's behavior for themselves.

 

Big cyber-hugs . . . we love you!

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I don't think talking to my sons is so much about their taking sides as it is that they need to hear from me, period. I still haven't personally talked to Sons 1 and 2 yet, since I came to the shelter.

 

Son 4 and wife called a couple of nights ago. One thing he mentioned was that his dad said he doesn't know whether he should keep phoning me or not, since I haven't been picking up his calls since 3 days after arriving here.

 

This may not be entirely kosher, but I told Son 4 it actually does me some good to see Z continuing to call even when I don't answer. I said I am just not ready to talk to him yet.

 

Son 4 said he would let his dad know that, if I didn't mind. I said he should feel free to tell him whatever he wants -- and that I WOULD like his dad to know this.

 

I've been at the shelter about a week and a half now. Z has called every day, usually twice. I only answered his calls the first two days.

 

He phoned 3 times on the 20th because it was our 31st anniversary. Son 4 told me that was why, without my asking. I had thought so. :)

 

Today I drove an hour away from the city to check out an apartment for rent. It wasn't clean enough or otherwise nice enough for my liking. Too far away from my friends, I decided, too.

 

Arrangements are being made for Z and I to have marriage counseling. Because it's through the shelter, it will be free. The workers here say the male marriage counselor I have spoken for is really good. He doesn't let the guys get away with anything.

 

Kathy knows and has given me her blessing. I appreciate that.

 

 

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I think it's OK to have told your son what you did and for him to pass the message along to Z. . . . this time. Doing something like that once in awhile, IMHO, doesn't really hurt anything. My concern would be that Z. - not you, because you know better! ;) - could get into the habit of using your son as a go-between, and that would not be good. So I think you might want to find a safe way for Z. to ask these kind of questions without involving your son. Can he email you? Maybe you could open a separate account just for Z. - then you know that all of the messages are from him, and you can be mentally and emotionally prepared when you log into that account.

 

The good thing about getting counseling through the shelter is that they have already accepted that you are being abused - otherwise, you wouldn't be there. Z. won't be able to convince them that he isn't doing anything wrong, and the counselor should have enough experience to notice when you are afraid to speak up. I think this could be a very positive thing!

 

In the meantime, I hope you're reasonably comfortable in the shelter, and I'll pray for your apartment search. :)

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Thank you Looney. I appreciate your words very much!

 

I could actually email Z. He can only pick out his responses kind of painstakingly. But that's ok. ;)

 

I got the appointment made today for our first marriage Counselling session -- April 22nd!! If there's a cancellation, the lady will let me know. So, what do I do in the meantime? I guess fir one thing I'll keep looking for a place to rent.

 

I think Z and I will have to remain apart until I feel confident that there is REAL change going on. He will need to convince me!

 

I'm thinking it may have to work like courting all over again, only in a more thorough way this time!

 

Also, I think I'll have to remain strong and say no to sex (LM) until his inner values and beliefs about women have changed to godly ones!

 

That's a good point for me to remember that the marriage counselor will already have accepted that I have been abused in my marriage and Z won't be able to convince them that he hasn't been doing anything wrong!

 

I'm reasonably comfortable here. Thanks for your prayer support re finding a place to stay. There may be a couple of possibilities on the horizon. May find out for more certain tomorrow (Saturday).

 

The young mother I mentioned before is having quite a battle. Her husband filed for divorce today! He had already called child and family services to complain that she was an unfit mother (total lie! Obvious to everybody here.)

 

She sat in my room and talked a long time tonight. We prayed together. It was very nice.

 

God is Good!

 

 

 

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The one room for rent isn't panning out. I'd really rather have my own space anyway, not just a bedroom in somebody's house.

 

On Monday, I'm going to try to get a certain apartment that is advertised. Nobody is returning my calls this weekend -- even though their message says they will.

 

I'm feeling somewhat disgruntled again for having been put in this situation. Not staying asleep all night because of it.

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I'm feeling somewhat disgruntled again for having been put in this situation. Not staying asleep all night because of it.

 

What I see here is that you are not blaming yourself! You are making a sacrifice of comfort and a lot of other things to set a standard for what is truly right!

I'm sorry that this is happening! I do know first hand how hard this is!

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You are making a sacrifice of comfort and a lot of other things to set a standard for what is truly right.

 

I LOVE that sentence! Thank you for saying it, 4evr!

 

---

 

Went to church this morning, with the young woman and her 3 children from here at the shelter. She got to take in most of the service while her children were in children's church.

 

I went forward for prayer at the end. The pastor indicated that to one side people could go for healing, to the other side, people could go for, I forget the wording he used. To me it meant emotional junk. People with requests for everything else would stand in the centre area. You will be able to guess which section I went to.

 

A man prayed for me. I was pretty cautious at first. He did a good job though. I told him an extremely condensed version of my story. He didn't whip through a prayer to get it over with. He took a bit of time to get the mind of the Spirit. Can't remember specifics but I know he thought to pray for Z before he was finished too. I really appreciated his "work". Then he asked a lady nearby to hug me. I hung onto her like she was my mother. I still feel the comfort.

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Also, before the man left me in the care if the lady, he said since it took 30 years to get so hurt, I wouldn't be healed overnight.

 

He told me to allow myself to let it out a bit at a time. Something like that.

 

---

 

Oh yes, when I turned around from being prayed for, there was Son 2! It's the first I've seen him since I came to the shelter. We went out for lunch together. It was VERY nice. :)

Edited by MaryJane
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Thank you 4evr!

 

I'm out right now about to shop for an air bed. Someone at the shelter reminded me of that idea. I like it! A bed like that is portable, and I can take it home with me for an extra company bed -- when the time comes.

 

I'll probably be at the shelter one more night. They have to decompress me -- no, discharge me -- no, some other "D" word.

 

I had a chat with one of the counsellors this morning, mostly to air my thoughts. I had been pressuring myself to start talking to Z as soon as I got the apartment. She reminded me that I don't have to talk to UNTIL I'M READY! That helped. :)

 

Z is still calling every day and I am still not answering. He can't leave messages because I don't have voicemail on my phone. I am glad he is still calling though. He is doing the right thing that way.

 

Maybe what I should do is phone home at midnight our time, when Z will be sound asleep so far away from the phone that he won't wake up, and leave him a message. It would simply say that it means a lot to me that he continues to phone daily.

 

Edited by MaryJane
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Last night was my first night in an apartment I rented in the city. I got sick in the middle of the night. On the way back from the bathroom I kept telling myself, "Stay awake! Stay awake!" I was half fainting, staggering like a drunk person but made it to my bed and flopped on it. Tonight I feel feverish.

 

Talked to Z yesterday and again today. I'll post more when I've "cooled off".

Edited by MaryJane
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Thank you 4evr.

 

---

 

Right at this moment I'm having a LOT of trouble with anger rising up and oozing out of me whenever I need to mention Z to anyone or why I am in this city. I seem to want to tell everybody how badly Z has treated me all these years, how entitled and haughty he is in his innermost attitudes toward people.

 

And he's being nice to me on the phone too.

 

I want to stamp my feet and shake my fist at him. I did tell him yesterday that I'm going to need to tell him off one of these days. He knows from the ministry (which he left) that I need to vent. He asked me to give him some warning so he can prepare himself. He said when he gets hit with something suddenly he gets defensive, that that's how he is.

 

I can think of an ongoing, venting-type of reply to that! But the trouble is, I don't WANT to be angry and venomous!

 

I am waiting until after he comes to the city on Tuesday with a bunch of my stuff, and to attend the group Counselling program for men that I asked him to.

 

Edited by MaryJane
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You know MJ... HAPPY EASTER!

 

 

Right at this moment I'm having a LOT of trouble with anger rising up and oozing out of me whenever I need to mention Z to anyone or why I am in this city. I seem to want to tell everybody how badly Z has treated me all these years, how entitled and haughty he is in his innermost attitudes toward people.

 

And he's being nice to me on the phone too.

 

I want to stamp my feet and shake my fist at him. I did tell him yesterday that I'm going to need to tell him off one of these days.

 

I can think of an ongoing, venting-type of reply to that! But the trouble is, I don't WANT to be angry and venomous!

 

I am in the same exact place.... feeling the same things and wanting to do the same things.. (and I really like that you are clearly seeing the condition of Z's heart which is so important as God shows you how to pray for him)

 

Yesterday I had a garage sale and the day before that I sold some old jewelry - all to get money to be able to drive south for the week with Marissa while she is out of school- so we can be with someone who cares for us more than you know who!

 

We got the money and after my schoolwork is finished today.. we are going!

 

While I was putting out the stuff for the garage sale I was praying about my negative need to complain to anybody who was trying to chisel down my already low, low prices about how they needed to just shut-up and pay me what I was asking because after-all my husband left...

 

I was judging myself to be negative and stuck...

 

Soon a man came by and he was talking to one of my friends who had also come by.. I overheard him say: "I was just going down the street when the Lord told me to go back there was something for me to do"

 

I turned to him and said: (shocking myself!!) "The Lord sent you back to pray for me!"

 

He smiled and said: "Well I just came from the Healing Rooms (Bethel Church) and I am all filled up and ready to go... "

 

So i said: "lay it on me!" LOL LOL

 

So he did.. he prayed and things shifted... but the interesting thing to me from all of it was this:

I was so involved in judging myself for being bad and negative, I couldn't see the real problem.. which was that I was afraid...

 

My husband had left and was telling me that he didn't know if he could make the house payment.. He was complaining and the divorce is stalled due to the attorney not doing what they are supposed to do.. I have been afraid of losing my home...

 

As he prayed, I started crying because as usual, my loving heavenly Father wasn't condemning me, as I was doing, He was reaching out to pick me up and tell me that it would all be OK - with or without B. And last night B.'s brother called to let me know that a small amount of more money is being dispersed this week and that B. will have more than enough money to pay my bills this month! Yay! God...

 

So are you afraid, today??

 

If so, My God is Your God and He loves you MJ.... It's going to be all right!

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Thank you for all that, 4evr! I'm sorry you're having this kind of trouble too. Glad you got the answered prayer last night!

 

It's very soothing to hear the words, "It's going to be OK."

 

It's very hard for me to imagine Z actually getting rid of that ingrained filtering system he's got.

 

Oh well, maybe I can put it all on the back burner for awhile tonight. My sons 2 and 3's in-laws have invited me to their place for supper at 5:30pm (son 2's future in-laws).

 

I feel like I have to hide away out of circulation because my husband and I are "separated" (hush).

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