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I probably wouldn't need him to be completely changed right away as long as he obviously saw the NEED for it and was commited to chang-ING.

 

I might add and is making progress.

 

Z. has "seen the need" and "been committed" before. But he seems to have an imaginary line that he will not cross. He will go so far and no farther. If it were me, I'd want to see him cross that line and stay on the other side of it for awhile before I let him back in.

 

And I second this ~

 

I like this new MJ, who seems braver and more confident and able to smile more. :)
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Yes, progress. Thanks Looney. :)

 

---

 

Now I'd like somebody to "okay" another email for me. I'll repeat the previous one, then post the new email I am thinking of sending.

 

Z called this morning in reply to that last one. His whole topic of conversation was church attendance and why he has once again decided against it. He apparently thought that was my big email concern! He still thinks "they", that is, probably most churches, he said, are only into mental Christianity. There's nothing for the regular Christian to do except sit there.

 

And so on and so forth. He wasn't angry, just stating his case. He asked if I thought we should keep going to the counselling since we aren't "getting along". (!!!!!!!!! -- That's me screaming in frustration!)

 

There is absolutely nothing I can say in a conversation, it seems, that has any impact on him. He cannot see how I see things. He thinks if I don't agree with his perspective, that we're practically done for. Well, I suppose he's right.

 

Anyway, here are the emails.

 

Sent Monday, May 20th 11:30 PM:

 

Dear Z,

 

I thought maybe I could explain how I'm feeling by email better than on the phone.

 

It's this, when I think of living together with you again, for good, I get kind of a panicky feeling. It's because there still seems to be a tendency in you to think and speak negatively about women, and about people in general. If we were together all the time, I would still not feel free to talk. It hurts and it's oppressive to hear you make negative comments about people, and to see you choose to isolate yourself from other believers.

 

I don't understand it. It makes me feel very sad.

 

I'm asking God to give you a revelation on this.

 

I love you.

 

MaryJane

 

 

My possible reply to his phone reply:

 

Z, I'm asking you to read this email again and try to understand how I feel. I wasn't really talking about going to church. I was talking about the blockade inside of you that keeps you from loving people with the love of God.

 

My strong desire is to see you living free and in the joy of the Lord. As it is, it's like you are tied down to a bed of nails -- discouragement, depression, insecurity, arrogance and oppression.

 

Maybe you've had a broken heart from childhood. Maybe you should let the Love of God heal it.

 

I love you, Z, and I'm praying for you and me both.

 

MaryJane

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If he doesn't seem to get it, maybe there will come a time when you need to say I don't want to be with someone who thinks he's superior to everyone else. I don't want to be with someone who is always looking for the worst in people. I don't want to be with someone who feels the need to intimidate me and treat me like a child. I want to be with someone who will draw people to him because they see Christ in him. I want to be with someone who sees me the way God sees me. I want to be with someone who will bring out the best in me, and you're not him. You could be him if you want to be, but I'm not sure you want to.

Drawing his focus back to you - which is where it should be anyway - might change his perspective enough for him to actually hear what you're saying. I don't know. I'm grabbing at whatever straw blows by as the wind goes through one ear and out the other. ;)

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Thank you for THAT one too, Looney!! I will print it out to have at my fingertips...

 

Z called again today. At first I didn't think the conversation was going well, since it appeared that he was not favourably impressed with all the description I had put out there about him. However, as we persevered in conversation, I happened to catch on that it had make an impression on him, that he realized that I probably had dug up some truth (dirt).

 

He commented once about something or other, it may have been the fact that he may need to apologize many times before I will be healed from his abuse. Then he said he knows that from JK...

 

Anyway, he apologized again for hurting me so much with his words over the years. I thanked him. I feel some relief. Now, off we go again to "work on our marriage" some more.

 

:rolleyes:

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  • 2 weeks later...

Did your mom used to say to you, "Now, MaryJane, if you don't have something good to say then just don't say anything at all!"? Lol! I know you've got lots of stuff going on in that smart brain of yours. Do tell!! (When you're ready to tell, of course!) It's always good to read your posts and I know a lot of people here care about you and want to know. Sending plenty of warm fuzzies your way. Here's an idea for you: Look for a belly-dancing class in your town.

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Thank you lots, you two!

 

I'm leaving right now for The Farm... Just had a great uplifting coffee break with a new friend. One thing she advised was to go home in a bubble! That is, with Jesus in it too! :)

 

Back in 5 days! No internet at home these days, so may not post much from my phone.

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  • 2 weeks later...

This isn't a real update. Just want to say that I don't feel so "weird" about everything now.

 

That new friend, above, lent me four DVD's. Z and I have one more to listen to. We'll probably do that tomorrow. He likes their message and so do I. They're by John and Paula Sandford, I think.

 

Repentance and Restitution was a good one. :)

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Had a really nice visit with Looney last night on the women-only call. I had been quite upset by Z's reaction to my telling him how I was feeling. He had got completely bent out of shape. He said I was calling him a monster when I indicated that I was still feeling very hurt deep down inside because of the past.

 

He said I was talking J & K stuff. He said he's told me before he's finished with that. I reminded him that he has admitted that he still believes what they teach about marriage. He definitely didn't have his notes from the communication counselor out in front of him. I didn't have mine out either and couldn't come up with any kind of intelligent way to say what I said.

 

The whole thing upset me. We had had some nice times at home on the farm for most of two weeks. Z gave me a very pleasant day on Tuesday for my birthday. I was beginning to see staying home full time eventually (keeping the bachelor suite in The City, of course). This shook me up good. Set me back.

 

He phoned this morning and apologized for being harsh yesterday. I think that was the word he used.

 

I don't think I can divorce him. I feel like I'm living in a fog. I still hurt lots down inside.

 

Have got to get out of myself and ready for our son's wedding one week from today. Did get my clothes for it. :)

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Son 2 got married yesterday! It was a wonderful wedding! He really seems to have matured in the last few months! Z and I were able to enjoy the wedding together. Will post more later. (My computer is not allowing me to start new paragraphs.) :rolleyes:

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thanks Looney. :)

 

I think my son and his young bride will be back from the States this week, then on up north somewhere for another week of honeymooning. Apparently he had thought about the word, "Honeymoon" and figured "moon" means "month" so he took a month off work so they could have a month-long HONEYMOON!! I thought that was a great idea!

 

It's so hard to update sometimes. I think I'll start with yesterday and work my way backwards somewhat.

 

I've been home a lot for the past month. Enjoying it mostly. Z has been fairly even-tempered and "nice". Giving me occasional touches, etc. However, there have been at least a couple of incidents proving that I still CANNOT safely confide in him concerning my feelings.

 

Yesterday's incident which sent me packing back to this little apartment in The City, seems very minor and I feel like I didn't do my part very well at all.

 

At 6:50 AM Z woke me up by calling upstairs and saying there was fresh perked coffee ready. I thought, “Well, the coffee sounds nice, but I really wasn’t ready to get up yet.” Zed would know this was a little early for me. Nevertheless, I got up without complaint.

 

I took my first cup of coffee outside and was drinking it, when Zed came and said something about helping him scooping up the water in the basement again. (We've had flooding in the basement for the first time ever!) I said OK, but apparently missed hearing a very important word in Z's request.

 

I started sweeping out a corner where I had a little outside sitting area (while I drank my coffee). After a bit Z came back around and said the pump was running (meaning he was waiting for me to help).

 

“Oh!”, I think I said, “I didn’t know you meant right now!” He said, “You said OK.” I said, “I didn’t hear ‘right now’ “. He seemed pretty upset that I had “promised OK” and didn’t follow through. He went away down to the basement to operate the pump as best he could without me – and I followed to do my part.

He seemed awfully quiet. I felt very tired of having him hold things against me. So I gathered up my stuff and came back to The City.

 

I still feel like I could have explained myself better, maybe. I don’t know if I apologized for not listening to him closely enough, either.

 

 

Here’s my idea of how it all would have worked out better:

 

Zed: MaryJa-a-ane! There’s fresh perked coffee ready! I’d like to get at the water in the basement soon. Would you help with that after you have your coffee?

 

Me (I would have said): Hnggpphh… Oh, yeah… OK.

 

And that would have been that.

 

When I got up yesterday morning, because of the wonderful smell of the coffee, I had no idea Zed was wanting me to help him right away. No idea. Maybe that’s one reason I didn’t “hear” the words, “right now”.

 

And why didn't he check to see if I was finished my coffee and READY to go to work before he "started the pump"? After we were done in the basement, he went upstairs and had a rest. There was a hurry to get the job done???

 

It was such a diddly, fiddly little incident. I should have SPOKEN more. That's my issue -- not speaking enough. Too intimidated. STILL!

 

---

 

But the couple of other incidents were more worser. (I just felt like putting it that way.)

 

1. On July 4th, Z rested his hand on my shoulder when he was getting a drink of water. I told him how good it felt and made the mistake of saying it's almost as good as sex. He said, "That doesn't say too much for sex." I said, ""It's almost as good as sex for me -- emotionally!"

 

He shrugged his shoulders indicating that this doesn't make sense to him.

 

He commented that there used to be a TV show or movie showing aliens having sex in ways different from us... This did NOT make me feel good. It sounded to me like he thinks I'm abnormal.

 

2. On July 9th, I woke up from a very deep sleep in the afternoon (unusual) with the strong feeling that I was UNLOVED! This affected me greatly.

 

At 7:45 PM, Z sensed something was bothering me and asked about it. I said it would sound weird, so didn't want to say. He said emotions are weird. Then he said, "I guess you're feeling unloved." (How did he guess? Nothing bad had been happening.)

 

I said, "Yes, that's it!" Then he began talking about resisting the devil and taking thoughts captive. I eventually said, "If you held me for awhile, I believe I would feel better."

 

HE SAID, "That's not my favourite thing to do."

 

Then he went on talking about resisting the devil.

 

Later, I said, "I HAVE been working on myself! This just suddenly hit me today."

 

HE SAID, "I've had a long day. I'm not interested in dealing with that stuff."

 

On his way up to bed, he gave me a touch on the belly. It was not enough to undo the words he had spoken.

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MaryJane, I'm stupefied! He is so resistant to meeting your needs and you're hanging in there like a Green Beret trooper. What a woman! I'm dazzled by your gumption.

One thing, I'm really impressed with you that you are so in touch with your own needs. That's one thing that I'm honestly only beginning to understand in this process, my own needs and respecting my own needs.

 

Congrats to you on raising a son who apparently understands "honeymoon"! May they be richly blessed in their marriage. Congratulations to them and to you!

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Sitting here thinking...

 

You keep going back to the home with Z. I may have missed stuff over the last couple months...I wasn't getting email notifications for awhile there...but when you visit with him is it because you're feeling safe with him in your interactions while you are staying in your apartment? Or is it the home itself you miss? Or some other reason?

 

Do you think you could make out a written contract for him to sign before your next visit listing your needs during the 2 or 3 days you're visiting? Start with the dates of your expected say, then state your needs. Maybe you need acceptance, respect, communication, harmony, joy, maybe if you think you can add affection too, etc. He should read and sign it. With an official contract, if you have to leave early he knows and you know it's because your needs weren't met, not because you're mad at him or because he was "bad". And if he's unwilling to sign it, then you know right away that it's a wrong idea to visit.

 

If all goes well, end the visit at the time pre arranged and the next time you visit add a few more needs of yours...ex: hope, feeling valued, equality, humor... keep the visits and needs short, as I know you do. End the visit immediately if your needs are neglected. Your needs being met equals feeling loved. Your needs not being filled feels like un-loved. Simple. :)

 

Just an idea. I need to plan how I can apply this to me.

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Congrats to you on raising a son who apparently understands "honeymoon"! May they be richly blessed in their marriage. Congratulations to them and to you!

Crystal, thank you for your good wishes for my son! And your kind words to me! I guess I didn't fully realize that it's a good thing to recognize one's own emotional ne eds. I guess that's one thing this ministry has done for me -- helped me see that these longings are normal and God-given. (Why can't I make paragraphs any more?)
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This is so nice of you, Crystal, to take the time and energy to post again! I'll answer your questions within the post. My words will have to only be bolded. The text colouring isn't working. Neither is the enter key. Frustrating!

 

You keep going back to the home with Z. I may have missed stuff over the last couple months...I wasn't getting email notifications for awhile there...but when you visit with him is it because you're feeling safe with him in your interactions while you are staying in your apartment? Yes, it's this, I guess. We usually talk on the phone every day. He came here a few times because of counselling appointments and then, of course, our son's wedding June 29th. I came to feel like it would be safe enough to test the waters at home. Overall, I've enjoyed my times there. Z was friendly enough, and very cautiously gave me a few touches and the occasional hug. (Why his caution? I don't understand. Guess I do. It's mother/son or something.) I was beginning to think I might be able to STAY home. Or is it the home itself you miss? It's this too. The air is so fresh and clean out there. I love the elbow room -- and the creek. Or some other reason? Maybe. I want to keep an eye on "my property". It's half mine.

 

Do you think you could make out a written contract for him to sign before your next visit listing your needs during the 2 or 3 days you're visiting? Start with the dates of your expected say, then state your needs. Maybe you need acceptance, respect, communication, harmony, joy, maybe if you think you can add affection too, etc. He should read and sign it. With an official contract, if you have to leave early he knows and you know it's because your needs weren't met, not because you're mad at him or because he was "bad". And if he's unwilling to sign it, then you know right away that it's a wrong idea to visit.

 

If all goes well, end the visit at the time pre arranged and the next time you visit add a few more needs of yours...ex: hope, feeling valued, equality, humor... keep the visits and needs short, as I know you do. End the visit immediately if your needs are neglected. Your needs being met equals feeling loved. Your needs not being filled feels like un-loved. Simple. :) This is an idea. I'll have to mull it over and figure out how I might implement something like this. Thanks!

 

Just an idea. I need to plan how I can apply this to me.

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