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God Save My Marriage

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Well, Looney, no.  I don't have a clear picture of what the sign of real permanent change would look like.  Thanks for mentioning that.  I'll have to get the picture.

 

I guess I thought I might just "know" -- but probably that's not good enough...

 

Heaved a big sigh!

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I'm sorry for being responsible for the big sigh. :roll:

 

But you guys have been here before. You left. He seemed to get it. You went back home. He did well for days or weeks, until the next thing that set him off. And let's face it, the things that set him off are generally very minor in the grand scheme of things. I'm certainly not saying that you expect him to be perfect, but having this kind of attitude about the remote? Really? There are obviously a lot of underlying issues that he still hasn't dealt with, and I hate to see you just keep going around and around this particular mulberry bush.

 

I don't know what permanent change will look like either, but it's certainly something to think about. Maybe it would be a good idea to ask Z what he thinks? His answer might tell you a lot.

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I thank you, Looney, for making me think. 

 

It's quite alright about the sigh.  I needed to take a big breath before getting down to business thinking!

 

Quiet day here, today.  Had a good talk with a friend on the phone.  :)

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I sent my sons and wives a message to let them know what Zed and I are doing.  I included a copy of the letter I mailed to Zed three days ago. 

 

Last night, late, my youngest son and wife phoned.  We talked for a long time!  They had the word, "insecurity," in their minds.  They were thinking that this is what Zed is living his life by.  It was certainly nice to hear their understanding comments.  They asked questions too to get a better understanding of what I'm thinking.   I so appreciated their call!

 

Today, the second youngest called to see if he and his wife could visit.  They, too, were very understanding, asked a couple of questions similar to the others.  Very nice loving visit!

 

So, just the two older ones to hear from.  They might find it more difficult to understand what I'm doing.  Not sure.

Edited by MaryJane
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So I was up early this morning thinking - this is what happens when the dog wakes you up to go out at 6am and you can't get back to sleep. :unsure: Mind you, these thoughts are non-caffeinated, so take that into consideration. ;)

 

One of the issues that you have pointed out often is  how Z. speaks about other people. It seems as if he's frequently complaining about church, the government, etc. So I'm wondering if one of the ways you could tell that there is permanent change happening is in the way he speaks about others. Not simply keeping negative comments to himself - that would simply be white knuckling through it - but in actually speaking with care and compassion about others. I think you would be able to see the difference.

 

I'm not sure you should say this to Z. though. I mean, you have been quite clear that his attitude bothers you, and if he knows you are looking for this then he will start stuffing his comments again. Just watch to see what he does.

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Thank you, Looney! That is good. I need a solid mile marker or two to watch for. So much of my thinking, and even decisions, are based on "fee-e-e-lings" or impressions (from God, even) but it's hard for me to find definite words to describe them.

I absolutely appreciate your non-caffeinated thoughts! They're just as valuable as the caffeinated ones!

Thank you again!

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I'm sorry, MaryJane, for your circumstances right now. But I hope you can have some special times with God during this time of separation!  :)

 

 

One of the issues that you have pointed out often is  how Z. speaks about other people. It seems as if he's frequently complaining about church, the government, etc. So I'm wondering if one of the ways you could tell that there is permanent change happening is in the way he speaks about others. Not simply keeping negative comments to himself - that would simply be white knuckling through it - but in actually speaking with care and compassion about others. I think you would be able to see the difference.

 

I'm not sure you should say this to Z. though. I mean, you have been quite clear that his attitude bothers you, and if he knows you are looking for this then he will start stuffing his comments again. Just watch to see what he does.

 

 

I'm not intending to hack your thread, but this complaining issue is something my husband also does frequently. I like this idea, Looney, of looking for a change in how he speaks of others. I responded to this on here because of your suggestion to not say anything to him about it so he doesn't just stuff it.

 

Thanks for letting me borrow this idea.  :)

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Stillblessed!  Feel free to "hack" my thread any time!  Borrow any ideas necessary!

 

And thank you, yes, I am having some nice times with God here -- and with friends, and with my own company!  The Lord bless you!

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This is SO true! It's such a good "symptom" of the heart's condition!

 

I'm reading I John 3. Verses 14 & 15 make it clear that our attitude toward "the brethren" is a serious matter!

And we wives are "brethren" to our husbands...

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  • 2 weeks later...

Something I just realized while over on Crystal's thread, is that no matter how my marriage turns out, this ministry is affecting our sons' marriages for good!

 

None of them were married yet when I found this ministry. Now 3 out of 4 are. They know the main points of this teaching and are benefitting from putting them into practice, as far as I can tell.

 

I am SO thankful for that!

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I gave each son a copy of the red book and asked him to read it before his wedding. Then I gave a little speech at each wedding reception, giving him my "last piece of motherly advice"! Which, of course, amounted to pointing out that the husband is the initiator at all times, whether he means to be or not, and the wife is the responder. Etc. ;)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well, all is quiet.  No phone calls between Z and me.

 

On Saturday, Son 3 went out to the farm to visit his dad and help him with something, I forget what.  My son came back to The City with a pile of mail for me.  Included  was a letter from Z.  He said he does love me.  He's sorry he's never been able to make me feel comfortable there at our place.  He never thought he needed to do that.  He thought when we got married I would make myself at home.  He can see now that is not how it works.

 

He feels that after some prayer and searching scripture he has come to understand a few things.  For example, he sees he has had resentment and has been giving in to his flesh, etc.  He now realizes that "walking in the Spirit" (the concept which he so admires) is connected to the Fruit of the Spirit.

 

He said he doesn't blame me for staying away and he doesn't know how long it will take him to overcome, that God knows. 

 

"Hopefully see you sometime.  With Love, Zed," is how he signed off.

 

I'm not getting excited one way or the other.  I have a reply ready to send him by mail.  I'm glad he has no internet access out at the farm these days.  That way there is no temptation to write back and forth every day as a substitute for phoning.  I don't want interaction with him for these two months.  I like it this way.  I HAVE felt badly at times.  But I'm lift him up to Lord at those times, asking Him to deal with him.  I think this is helping to keep me from bitterness -- which I HAVE felt twinges of occasionally.

 

Here is what I have ready to put in the mail tomorrow.  (Today, now.):

 

Dear Zed,

 

Thank you for sending the mail and for the note.  I paid the accountant from the joint account, etc. etc. (business).

 

I want a man who doesn't smoke, who loves God, who loves me with the Love of God, and who is unselfish.

 

Let's meet to talk at the end of May.

 

MaryJane

 

 

 

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It's a good note.. straight to the point and not much to argue with!

 

     I think that I would be praying that he has his eyes opened to see how staying selfish - or expecting you to "make yourself at home" is the open door to every other sort of evil that tears marriages apart. Marriages are protected by God's Love flowing through us and between us. And God's love can't be grasped or defined or really understood. It just is. And it flows where two people are in right relationship to their Creator. So going a bit deeper, is Zed in right relationship to his Creator? Maybe that's where the prayers should go?

 

OK, 'nuf preaching....

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I think that's a good point, 4evr. His salvation experience involved a strong sense of the love of God. Then he got sidetracked by fault finding, in my opinion.

 

I think you're right, he needs to get his personal relationship with God restored and built up.

 

Thank you so much for your words, 4evr!

 

Now, Son 3 is on our prayer lists again. He took off somewhere tonight (Thurs.). His wife called me. Her family (which includes my son #2) and I went driving around the city and outside of it looking for him. Then we went to the police station where she filed an "incident" report.

 

He replied once to a text she had sent, saying he needed to spend some time with God for awhile. At least we know he was reasonably okay at that time, about 8 pm. He hasn't replied to her request to come home after that one.

 

He's been doing so well for two years since they've been married. He announced at a family outing on Sunday that he wants to go off his psychiatric med. under the doctor's supervision. We're thinking maybe he has been "weaning" himself off of it for awhile.

 

It's hard to think of him out there somewhere on this cool and dark and rainy night. He does have the truck, but depending on his thought processes he may or may not be in it!

 

My sister reminded me that the angels are watching over him. I'll hold onto that.

 

I'm staying overnight with my daughter-in-law. She thought rather than go to her parents' house, she should stay at her own place in case Son 3 comes home during the night. She didn't want to be alone which I can certainly understand.

 

What a thing!

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Also, read this fabulous insight that Francis Frangipane published with Charisma. It's incredible.. especially the part about being dis- appointed! I think this is at the root of many of Bob's behaviors and I know when I am disappointed I can get very critical!

 

http://www.charismanews.com/opinion/34526-francis-frangipane-expect-a-great-outpouring-of-mercy

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Yes, thanks 4evr. He's on one little pill per day for schizophrenia. It's been keeping him nice and normal for two years or so, the whole time he's been married. He was diagnosed around the time they got married.

His wife says he's been stressed lately because he so much wants to get off of it. He seems to think it interferes with his spiritual growth or something.

He's home now. He phoned me to, I guess, apologize, and was going to phone his dad next. I asked if he had been weaning himself off of the med lately and he said no.

Looks like he needs to see how his actions are going to affect other people, especially those who love him!

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