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Thank you for your insights, 4evr!  It's helpful to look at yourself from other people's perspective, whether you take their advice or not.  Heh heh.  For example, I like knowing that you see Zed should take more responsibility for improving the marriage.  It's not just ME, feeling vaguely dissatisfied.


Anyway, today, I think we have a little change-up!


I was away in The City this past weekend, for 5 days, for a good reason.  Babysitting our 8-month-old grandson!  My son and his wife went away to a resort to celebrate their fourth wedding anniversary.  I certainly wanted to contribute to that! 


Zed called me every day, sometimes two or three times a day.  I suppose he missed me!


Then...  I get home yesterday about 6:00 pm.  He waves cheerily from the living room.  That's nice.  I wave back.


After I'm settled in, I join him on the couch to watch TV with him.  That's fine.  He's pleasant.  However, he doesn't reach out his hand or arm or leg or anything to touch me!  (I've been feeling the lack of touching in the past few weeks.  I know, I ought to have brought that up before now.)


Then, our son phones and we talk to him for awhile.  That was nice.  However, during the call, Zed starts to let the movie play, with no sound.  I'm starting to get restless.  If I'm going to watch a movie, I want to watch ALL of it!  When we hang up from the call, I ask Zed about the movie.  He says something about seeing how it ends.  I wasn't really listening anymore, because I needed him to TOUCH me.  I got up and said, "I'm going to do something else!"  By the time I was finished doing something else, he had gone to bed.


I went into the bedroom where he was reading.  Stood there waiting for some kind of good night hug or something.  He put out his hand for a handshake.  I said,"That's not enough!"  and wheeled around and left the room.  Didn't see him again until today.  


Left him NO note.  Did pray some.  Figured out what all I was going to say to him, firmly, but as fairly as possible.  Two sentences.  Wouldn't be able to manage more than that.  They would be, "I am starving for affection from you!  I miss your touches!"


However, I haven't said that yet.  When I showed up in the kitchen today, there was a note waiting for ME.  Unasked for.  


He apologized for not welcoming me home with a big hug.  See, he KNEW what was wrong!


The fact that he apologized all on his own steam, was a big deal to me!  I still will need to say something like the above planned sentences, but for now, well, things are much better than they were last night!


Thank you.   ;-)

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He's still doing it! Sometimes it's the small changes that make the biggest difference!


We have friends, a couple who have been married a lot longer than we have been. They were raised in stoic households. Actually, the wife's father wasn't very stoic. He would get angry and mete out severe corporal punishments for the slightest "offense."


The husband of this couple is a good person who loves God and means well, in every area of life, however, like most of us have been, clueless when it comes to the marriage relationship.


At their 50th wedding anniversary celebration, the two of them sat on chairs in front of the rest of us and watched their children put on a very entertaining programme. This was a WEDDING anniversary CELEBRATION. Not once did those two touch! Not once! Even though I know them I still could not believe it! They ought to have been sitting there with his arm around her, demonstrating to her and to all of us that he was thankful to be married to her! That he even loved her! She would have leaned into him very nicely. I'm quite confident of that!


This wife is a bubbly, sociable type of person. I expect she is a real sanguine in the emotional part of her temperament. Sadly, it looks to me like she has felt mostly rejection in the emotional area of life.


Guess what? She has fibromyalgia and is in discomfort most of the time.


The husband believes strongly that divine healing is FOR believers. What I have in my mind and heart to do, or maybe Zed to do, is to give the husband a message. You know, I thought of this just now while writing, it could be termed as a "word from the Lord" -- which it actually is!


I imagine myself, or Zed, saying to the husband, "I believe I have a word from the Lord for you. The Bible says they shall lay hands on the sick and they shall recover. (Which he is WELL aware of.) Lay your hands on L's shoulders, or arm at least 10 times a day for about 5 seconds each, for a month. No praying aloud necessary. See if her health improves. This must be done faithfully every day, though."


Ah, it was good to get that on "paper!"

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Have to post yet another update!


Our progress has been awfully slow.  However, there has been much improvement in our marriage, and apparently it is still ongoing!


Last night our new fire alarm went off at 10:30 pm.  I was still up (of course) and wondered how much it had disturbed Zed.  It would surely have wakened him, but I didn't hear anything from him until much later.  I was still up.  He stepped into the room where I was and said he hadn't been able to get back to sleep since the alarm sounded.  Then he said, sort of harshly, "You'll have to phone the electrician, etc. etc.!"  The tone of voice almost implied that something about this was my fault.


Because I am not intimidated by my husband anymore, I did not feel crushed, like I would have in the past.  I mentally shrugged my shoulders, as if saying, "Oh well, that's Zed."  This time I did not even consider doing anything about the little outburst.  For me, the incident was very minor. 


I had practically forgotten about it by this morning.  However, as I glanced at the kitchen table, I noticed a tiny piece of paper lying by the sugar bowl.  Zed had written a fine apology for the way he had spoken to me last night and said he would call the electrician.


This, in my mind, is HUGE!  I hadn't said a word, hadn't pointed anything out to him, hadn't asked for an apology, nothing!  He did this all on his own!  I was very happy and let him know it!


Praise God!   ::clap

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I SO much need you to love me. Everything I'm doing and saying is because I still WANT to be married to you. There are three main changes I need you to make, though. Then I can decide what to do.


1. Quit smoking, completely and forever.


Mary Jane,


Coming up on two years and I wonder if what you were hoping for worked out for you? Which ever way the out come was I certainly hope that Philippians 4:7 came through for you. JH

Edited by justhoping
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Aha!  Good question, Justhoping.


As it turns out, I have found myself letting go of all but the most important "needs" I had in order to survive and thrive in my marriage.  I presume you have read in my thread that I was away for four months in 2014.  When I came home, I was generally a stronger person when it came to my relationship with my husband.  I did not have to feel intimidated by him anymore!   I believe the Lord did something in me.  My husband, apparently, had changed too.  


He has been consistently undemanding and not lording it over on me.  The few times he has forgotten himself and given me an order, he has apologized sincerely.


He gives me hugs without acting like it is a great imposition to have to do so!  


He even smiles at me often.  


The changes are actually huge, for us!  


I feel I am well on my way to having my topic title come true!  We are not doing everything perfectly, but I thank God that we found this ministry where we learned what the first steps are to "fixing" a torment of a marriage, and where we received the encouragement (sometimes the push) to TAKE the steps!


Thank you for asking!

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Another update/praise report:


I don't know how many months it has been since we had a little bump.  It has been many, though.  Yesterday, we had one.  


I mentioned casually that our new bathroom counter must not have the protective coating on it from the factory, since water seems to soak into it somewhat -- unlike our new kitchen counter.  My thought was that I need to get to the city as soon as possible and buy some of this coating.  However, this subject, I suppose, reminded Zed of a pet peeve he has had, that I wash my hands "too much".  He began to tell me I don't need to wash my hands at the kitchen sink, etc. etc.  He was being overbearing about it!  This sort of thing has not happened for a long time and it unnerved me.


Positive point no. 1


I immediately told him he was being unkind.  I said I was not running to the laundry room every time I needed to wash my hands.    


This is VERY unlike my old self.  I used to keep quiet because it seemed he wouldn't listen and would only give me more verbal abuse.  Then, I would feel totally overcome and overpowered by his contempt.  I used to feel stuck in this house with a "lover" who despised me.


Later, when Zed was going to go up to bed, I said, at least he had to give me a good hug.  This was almost funny.  He hugged me warmly (unlike the past, when he would go limp on purpose to show what an imposition it was to have to hug me) while still telling me how wrong I was about this water/hand washing thing.  I told him again that he was being unkind.  Those were my last words to him before he went to sleep.


I reminded myself that Zed has made some good changes and I may not have to take this any further.  It still affected me, though.  I prayed that God would speak to him and tell him whatever he needed to hear.  I didn't sleep well at all.  I got up in the middle of the night and wrote a brief note that I wasn't going to church in the morning since I had only had 2 hours sleep.  It was not a love note.  I didn't leave any X's or O's or sign my name.  I did not ask him to apologize or mention the "trouble."


By the time I woke up again hours later, I was feeling pretty worried that that this matter might not be over and might have to get worse before it got better -- as in so many times in the past.


Positive point no. 2


Zed was outside when I finally got up.  I glanced at my note on the table and saw he had replied.  It was an apology and a naming of the fact that he had been harsh!


That's all I needed!  He had apologized and knew what he was apologizing for.  I let him know how pleased I was.  And life has gone merrily on from there!


I thank God once again for leading me to this ministry and also for His direct Help at times!   :)

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Now I would like to post another update.  It concerns a bump in the road that we have not allowed to stall us very long at all!


Apparently, Zed momentarily forgot what his new style of communication with me was.  He found himself making an uncalled-for comment on a conversational matter that should have been a little pleasantry between us.


Yesterday, I was making a scanned copy of an old letter my cousin had sent to me when we were 8 years old.  She had written that she was sending some little items we had left at their place a couple of weeks before.  Zed took a look at the letter.  I expected him to agree with me that it was cute -- the sentence structure and wording of my little 8-year-old cousin, as she had been.  He has met her, as an adult.


However, his comment was -- you were already forgetting things way back then!  


I was taken completely by surprise.  I never seem to have the "right" comeback in a situation like this.  I think I said something useless like, "I don't always forget things."  I guess he walked away.  I thought maybe a little note to tell him how his words hurt might do the trick, since these upsets are so rare now.


I wrote the following:



I just need a quick little apology for those words that I forget things often.  They hurt me.  Thanks.  Love, MaryJane


When he read it a little later, he said, " You hurt me with your words too."  I said, "I don.t think so!  Only if I have to tell you you are hurting me."  He walked away saying, "You do forget."




So, after he went to bed, I wrote another note and did not mince words.  Here it is:


June 2, 2017 10 pm

Dear Zed,

Please think about it.  You know how it feels to have someone imply that you are faulty in some way.  Remember how your mother used to speak to you, as if you were always in the wrong about something.

You used to  point out all kinds of faults you thought I had.  It nearly destroyed me.  You mostly don't do that anymore and I appreciate it very much.  It would be awful if you got back into that habit.

I need you, my husband, to only love me with kindness.

Zed, I am writing from my heart.



I just can't speak that clearly in person.  I felt pretty daring writing so pointedly, but thanks to what I have learned through this ministry, and with the deliverance I believe I received from the Lord, releasing me from intimidation of my husband, I wrote it!


Here is his reply this morning:



I see and I am sorry.  Don't want that stuff to get going.  You're right!



That was enough for me!  I was able to go on as though nothing had happened.  It took Zed a little longer to actually warm up fully, it seemed.  Maybe he couldn't believe I was totally okay.  I don't know.  He's fine now and we are fine.


Praise the Lord!

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