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Why did she do this?

 

R.....: Hey i just wanted to tell u i made a payment on the $#@@#$. I owed u some $$ still from when i had to pay for my license, etc. 9:26 AM

R.....: I just saw it was needing to be paid and id kinda planned on it since i had a little extra from the tax return. 9:27 AM

 

She payed my car payment. LANDMINE. What do I say or do? I don't need her to do this? I must have made her feel bad or something somehow. Why would she do this. I forgot to pay my car payment and I was going to do it today. She must have read into that thinking I didn't have the money. How do I fix this?

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Don't fix it. Express thanks. From what you said a few posts ago in reference to her asking if you needed something before you go off to camp and this your wife wanted to do something for you.

 

Sometimes people have a need to give. It maybe about her need not yours.

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I fear that perhaps she's feeling sorry for me. I didnt need her to pay it and I don't want her to struggle financialy. but your the third person who told me to say thanks so i will. this is what I sent:

 

R....., Your kindness astounds me sometimes. Thank you. :-)

Edited by ponyboy3399
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Andrew, quit worrying. Sounds like things are really starting to level out with her and her walls are coming down. As Tim and David said, just accept it as a gift and be thankful....

 

Also, just feel I need to prepare you that she may shut down again. Trust me, that is normal, it is a self correction for them when they realize their hearts are starting to open up again and they get scared and pull back. DO NOT react when and if she does, just keep loving her and being there for her and she will come back around.

 

You can not let the way she is reacting to you be your guiding light, If you do that, each time she pulls back you will crash and burn. Christ must be your guiding light! That is how you will be able to be consistent and complete this journey! :)

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Ponyboy...

 

Harness a heart of gratitude...thank her. Humble yourself and accept the generosity she is offering. Always be proactive with your wife...pursue her with a gentle spirit of service and love all the while expectng nothing in return. Your acts are the offering...your gentle heart is the sacrifice to her. Be the man of God you are called to be.

 

In response to your post:

 

"I know man. I'm not sure I know the answer to the questions your asking but I will think about it more. I know I have to be ready. I think I placed too much hope in my marriage from the getgo. I just assumed there is no way that this Christian woman would want this for our family. But now I see to her it was the only way out and probably the better choice in her mind."

 

 

Here's the deal; your posts are very thorough in the review of the events of the day....but i'd like to see some meat. The Word of God is a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your Path...from where i sit, you seem lost. Your focus is all too often based on how you feel, your feelings, your concerns, and your worries about her worries.

 

It's time to put away the wavering reed, double-minded behavior and stand strong on the Principles of God's Word in your Life...and if you are not sure what those principles are, then you need to get a Bible and get reading. If you are not a Faith filled believer, then that is the next step. Because, ...

 

Faith is the evidence of things hoped for...What do you hope for?????

Faith is the substance of things not seen? What do you hope to see?????

Faith comes by hearing....and hearing by the Word of God.....

 

Ponyboy...you must begin to mature. Maturity is putting away our childish behavior and standing up as a man. You must know deep in your heart and mind, that when you "assumed that a Christian woman would not do this to our family"...that you were taking her for grated and most likely abusing her in multiple ways. Wether she's a Christian woman or not yet a Christian woman, no woman deserves to be abused, taken for granted, or mistreated to the point where her spritual beliefs become ties of bondage to an abusive husband...you forced her to leave. You forced her hand.

 

 

Let go of your expectations of her and hold firm in your convictions of Godliness...be solid in our understanding of who you are in Christ....clear on the nature of Jesus and who He was and how He lived, and certain of the relationship He has allowed us to have with the Father.

 

You are God's son.

You are an heir to the throne.

Your name is written in the Lamb's Book of Life.

You are forgiven...

Your sins are washed away...

Your mind is being transformded into the mind of Christ...

You are God's son...

 

God has bestowed upon you all you need to be successful, but you must rise up and accept His love, forgiveness, and grace. You must take your place in the process of Christ-like transformation and understand that this is what is missing here.

 

After you read both of J&Ks books, twice, then you need to read Wild at Heart and The Way of the Wild Heart. These two books will begin to guide you in your journey into Christlike maturity.

 

If there is one piece of advice i'd offer it's this, read every book you can. Read all of Timothy Pauls books, read the books on my list...READ, READ, READ!!!

 

Place your confidence and hope in Christ! Lean not on your own understanding, but in all ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your steps!

 

Strength and Honor,

 

IHI

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Tony,

I know some of the stuff seems possitive but I think it would be premature to assume that her heart is opening. Like you said I realy don't want to focus on whether it is or isnt. I don't want to misinterperet anything she's doing. If I had to guess right now I think shes looking for approval. I'm thinking maybe that's what lunch on Sunday is about. It will be interesting to see what she says when I ask if I can bring a salad. I actually fully expect her to back off maybe even before she asks her parents. I guess its easier for me to expect the worst but prepare for the best.

I got this same way when She wanted us to spend Christmas together and then changed her mind later. We had went to a model train expo with the kids and had a great time. but after that she cancelled Christmas plans which I don't remember realy complaining about. She actually told me she had a dream that things were the way they were which I'm not sure was good or bad. Its almost as if she wants to prove to herself that she can have a totally plutonic relationship with me and I will give her that if that's what she wants. I would like to know for sure that there is something there and not just "your the father of my kids." Maybe I just imagined her rubbing my back the other night. I don't know anymore. Today has been on off day and I just now realized that this is a vent. I've had to repent already today. I'm trying to place my hope in the right spot but I caught myself at the store baseing how I stand before Christ by how I stand before her. I know thats not right and its not her aproval I'm after its His. Its a constant battle with me. Please pray for me.

 

INHisImage,

 

I'm going to have to hit the ground running when I get back. Oh and I just found out today that I'll be gone for 2 months at first. I'll come back home and then I will be scheduled for another 2 months of training at a later date. I'm not quite sure when that will be. I will hopefully be able to read some when I get back and I have my own place.

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Dude....quit trying to dissect her actions, words, emotions, and feelings!

 

You must begin to peel back and let her exist without your constant monitoring. If you are truely about to ship out for a couple months, i can assure you of two things:

 

1. You will have plenty of time to read...

2. She is beginnng to see the light at the tunnel's end...she knows that a time of peace is about to arrive and she'll be able to breath again. She'll be able to relax and live...she'll be at peace to love on your kids, and laugh, and live again. She is not trying to "prove to herself that she can have a totally plutonic relationship with you"....THIS IS JUST YOU OVERTHINKING AND BEING SELF FOCUSED.

 

She has already decided to have a plutonic relationship with you....separation/divorce...remember?

 

She is trying to live with you as an element of her life, not in her life. She is attempting to find a way to life in relationship with you, but without the intimacy....DO NOT MISINTERPRET THIS AS A CHALLENGE OR A TEST. She is trying to move on and get healthy...you job now is to allow her the space she needs. She was not able to heal from life's hurts with you, so now she is realiziing that she has to heal on her own. You owe her the opprotunity to do that.

 

Remember, you started the ball rolling here. When you made her your wife; you promised to forsake all...including yourself...and put her first. You dedicated your life to her...to help, to assist, to love, to serve, to inspire, to give to her. The plutonic-ness is not "what she wants"...remember, the idea of a sexual relationship is very MALE...for a woman, a sexual relationship is evidence and celebration of a deep connectedness in the bonds of marriage. She is not withholding sex from you in an intentional effort; on the contrary, it's not even a thought in her mind because the relationship you two share is on severe life-support.

 

Here's a challenge for you...Go back to your previous post, and take out every use of the word, "I" and rewrite from her perspective...Your focus is Christ, not her.

 

Dig deep...

 

Strength and Honor,

 

IHI

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I actually meant to bring the whole challenge/test thing up a while back. When I said that I meant a test from God. I feel sometimes that I'm put into situations and God is giving me the opportunity to do the right thing or to not do the right thing. The day where I said I feel like I passed a test that's what I meant. I guess another way I could have expressed what I was doing would be by saying I was dying to myself.

I'll admit something too I knew my focus was wrong when I posted earlier. I don't know why I keep doing that. I'll try to stop.

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OK I don't know if I'll have enought time today to take out the I's but I'll do what I can:

 

Tony,

A lot of things have been going on with R..... and it has all been possitive.. It was so gracious of her to invite me to lunch on Sunday especially since its such a short time after our divorce. It will be nice to get a chance to spend some time as a family.

 

Back around Christmas we had went to a model train expo with the kids and had a great time. We had planned to spend Christmas as a family but she understandably backed out. She actually told me she had a dream that things were the way they were and undertandably that frigtened her. We are no longer married but she still is gracious enough to let me to be a part of her life and the fact that she was able to accept confort from me is astounding.

 

INHisImage,

 

Training will only be 2 months so R..... won't be stuck with the kids for such a long stretch. With all of the other stressors in her life this is definately not something she should have to put up with.

 

 

OK it was a little shorter but that's because there was a lot of garbage in there.

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OK I don't know if I'll have enought time today to take out the I's but I'll do what I can:

 

. . . and you don't have time to read anyone's threads . . . and you don't have time to read the books that have been suggested . . .

 

What are you doing with your time, Andrew? You are not married. You don't have your kids 24/7. I don't think you're working 16 hours a day.

 

How much time do you think Tim and David and 4evr and I have put into helping you? How much time do you think it took IHI to write those long, thoughtful posts? I know this has been said before, but I'll say it again - the helpers are putting more work into your growth than you are. How much time are you actually spending on this? Thinking about it doesn't count. What counts right now is reading and learning and putting what you've learned into practice.

 

Unless you can give me a VERY good reason why it is impossible for you to do so, I want you to see you put a bare minimum of 2 hours per day into reading and learning from now until you leave for training. Get on the forum each night and post what you read and what you learned from it. We will adjust the schedule for the time you're training - and we have enough military and ex-military guys around here to tell us what's possible - and you can pick it back up when you're done. If you're not willing to do this, then I'm going to ask the helpers to stop posting to you.

 

What book do you have that you can get started with? Whose thread are you going to read first?

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OK,

 

Because you asked. I picked up the kids Sunday morning and went to church. Went over to her apartment afterwards with the kids made lunch put 2 of the kids down for a nap spent some time with my oldest son going over his questions for class and spending some time with him. got the kids up and took them back to church for class. Let them play on the playground for a while took them back to grandmas house at 8 gave them a bath got them in their pajamas read them about Sampson from the bible. got up for work monday did that got off back to grandmas to spend a little more time with the kids give them baths feed them take them to the new house helped her move get home around 9:30 did my devotions. get up tuesday go to work get off go to doctor get a call from her to ask to watch the kids. I watch the kids while she takes care of some important things. Get home around 9. Grab some food get on the mens call. Wed get up go to work Get off get the kids take them to the fun place out to dinner back to moms. get home around 9:30 did my devotions. Thursday get up go to work get off go get the kids. off to the homeless ministry. work there till around 6:30 let kids play on playground take them back to moms. Get home around 8:30 eat get on mens call. today have to leave work early to get my cat and take him to the shelter. have to go pay a traffic ticket after that have to go to a counseling session with my pastor. Going to get my kids after that and heading to small group. Tommorow getting up early to get a run in. going to help her move the rest of her big stuff going to try and get on the mens call then going to get the kids again and take them with me and try to have some fun. Reading has proven to be difficult. I'm not saying I won't I'm just trying to get through this difficult transition.

Edited by ponyboy3399
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Andrew,

 

You don't want to read because as you stated; it brings too much pain. Ask every man who came before you if they didn't experience the same amount of pain.

 

I was leading a men's group watching other marriages being restored from the help I was giving them. Some of the marriages were coming back together with men who weren't giving their all. All the while, my marriage restoration wasn't going anywhere. You want to talk about hard. Try that one on for size.

 

I pushed through it. Why? Because God was using me to help others. I was laying my life down for others as the Bible commands me to do. Over time, the joy I received helping other men made my hurt go away.

 

Every man who has come here has been overcome with pain.The ones who made it did EVERYTHING possible to get to the other side.

 

God Bless

David

Edited by For Him For Her
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IHI you didn't see it? It's about 5 posts up. I know you guys are cheering me on. And to be perfectly honest things have been changing for me. The fear is fleeting. I'm starting to not worry so much about her opinion of me. I can't expect it to be a good one from what she went through but at the same time I realize that I have value in God's eyes. That needs to be enough.

She's agreed to let me move her big furniture tomorrow while she takes the kids to a museum. That's pretty awesome that she trusts me enough to do that.

David and Tim,

You sounded kind of frustrated on the phone with me last night. I want you to know that at the same time you guys were kind of getting frustrated I was just starting to feel a little better. I actually woke up feeling halfway decent which doesn't happen often. I think being on the calls is becoming helpful. I hope I get one more chance tomorrow.

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PB...

 

Please accept my apologies if i missed your re-write. I guess i was looking for something different...but for now; David has it totally right.

 

Ask every man who came before you if they didn't experience the same amount of pain.

I was leading a men's group watching other marriages being restored from the help I was giving them. Some of the marriages were coming back together with men who weren't giving their all. All the while, my marriage restoration wasn't going anywhere. You want to talk about hard. Try that one on for size.

I pushed through it. Why? Because God was using me to help others. I was laying my life down for others as the Bible commands me to do. Over time, the joy I received helping other men made my hurt go away.

Every man who has come here has been overcome with pain.The ones who made it did EVERYTHING possible to get to the other side."

 

Brother, that pain is our own immaturity and selfishness leaving our heart, mind, and soul. It's our greedy, "serve-me" mentality, the ego-centric part where entitlement resides...where our needs are bigger than anyones elses. It's the ugly part of our hearts where we don't let other see into, and we deny its existence...it's the creepy parts of our minds where old memories and sin fester and rot...it's the sick soulish beliefs that what we think matters more to others than it really does, where our actions are easily brushed off but other behavior is scrutinized and critiqued.

 

Getting to maturity and Christ-likeness is not a feeling...it's an ardous journey of effort, sacrifice, work, selflessness, and pain...but PAIN is there for a reason. It's there to prove to you that what you are doing is going against the grain of this world...going against the way of society's pull...going against pop-culture and a quick-fix society. The pain you are attempting to avoid is the next rung on the ladder out of the immaturity inwhich you live. PB...we've all been there. Face the pain...take the step...face the pain...take another step. Its time to begin.

 

 

What David and Looney, and TP, and the others are saying is for your growth....

 

You have what it takes to face this...you can, but you have to make up you mind that the future reward is greater than the short-term pain.

 

Strength and Honor,

 

IHI

Edited by InHisImage
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People will go after and do what is important to them. Part of maturity is prioritizing the things that are important...

 

This bears repeating.

 

Do you think that Joel or David or Tim or Michael or Steve or any of the other men who have walked through this successfully were less busy than you are? You will start to grow when you decide that, no matter what, you will do what needs to be done.

 

In 2007 I had to take a grueling board exam in toxicology. I had to pass that exam in order to keep doing what I was doing. I had a bad marriage, a legally blind husband who couldn't drive, five kids that I homeschooled and carted around to every activity imaginable, and a full time job. I HAD to study. I carried those books around everywhere. I read about snakebites while my ex ran through the grocery store, and I calculated osmolar gaps while the boys were in tae kwon do. I stayed up for an extra hour when I would rather have gone to sleep. I took every single opportunity to read, even if all I did was read a sentence or two, and I passed that exam on the first try.

 

Don't tell me you don't have time to read. It is simply not important enough to you to make the time. Change that.

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I worked all day moving her furniture from her apartment to her new house. It felt good doing something nice for her. I was even able to borrow a friends truck to save her money.

She offered to buy me dinner and she went out and got me my favorite sandwich and a coke. I didn't tell her ive been trying to eat better since we separated. I just downed it. She said she got me dessert too and she pulled out a big bag of sour patch kids my favorite. I thought that was sweet of her. I had actually bought her some ice cream as well and told her it was in the freezer. She said what are you trying to fatten me up so no one will want to date me. I just said you got me. I dropped the truck off at my friends and came back to get the kids. I went back in and said well I guess this is the last time I'm going to see you for a while. She said I know you're going to miss the kids to which I replied, I'm going to miss you too. She came out to say goodbye to the kids. She then gave me a hug. As she was walking to the door I said you know I'd regret it if I didn't tell you I love you right to which she replied I know.

Edited by ponyboy3399
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Reading does not come naturally to me. But I will continue with David's thread. As for books I think someone suggested Wild at heart.

I'm sorry about the reading. I'll try to stay on top of that.

This is my last day with the kids. I'm sure going to miss them.

Would it be okay to ask someone to tell me something positive about my walk thus far?

Edited by ponyboy3399
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Andrew,

 

You tell us the positive things in your walk so far without using the phrases: I guess, I think or maybe. In order for you to start thinking in a positive way, you must go and seek it out.

 

If you would put as much effort in seeking the positive things in your life as you do the negative, the calmness and stability you want would be in you now.

 

God Bless

David

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I agree with this completely.

 

Ask yourself why you want/need someone to tell you what you have done right.

 

We all enjoy that.. I miss that.. in and of itself there's nothing wrong with wanting that... but if we can't first tell ourselves that we know we are doing well in some areas and have need of working in others.. then we remain blind and needy.. dependent on another to give us our identity. THAT is arrested development in a nutshell. Wah.. wah.. I need someone to approve of me and take care of me..

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