Why he doesn't desire me sexually

[Little Redheaded Girl]

You are NOT crazy!!!

[4evrHZdtr3]

This is about you getting strong enough to know that you LOVE yourself - and to protect your children- and don't have to take any abuse that is packaged with other needs that might be being met... not only are you not crazy, you do have choices... even if it doesn't feel like it. God WILL help you to do what needs to be done...

[MaryJane]

Sounded like it was a good call for you Saturday night! Have you seen any change for the better, I dunno y?

[Looney_Tunes]

I'm so sorry we didn't get back to you on the call last night - we tried but you were already gone. We chose to keep going with Gene because we felt that it was really what your husband needed to hear as well. I hope it helped.

 

If you like, tell me what's going on here . . . we can all support you and help you through it.

[Violet7]

I'm so frustrated with my husband that I don't want to go on the date he has planned for tonight. we were suppose to go to A place I've never been that has good food & a live band.

 

I so want to go, but I want to enjoy myself when I go. I can't even stand to hear his voice or for him to touch me. I don't want to waist money, 3 hours total drive time & be bothered the entire time.

 

He rarely plans dates for us so this was special. Not to mention he's already let me know if we don't go it's not his fault because he planned it.

 

Am I wrong for not going?

 

[Violet7]

I'm so frustrated with my husband that I don't want to go on the date he has planned for tonight. we were suppose to go out of town to a restaurant that has a live band.

 

I so want to go, but I want to enjoy myself when I go. Problem is right now I can't even stand to hear his voice or for him to touch me. I don't want to waist money, 3 hours total drive time & be aggravated the entire time.

 

He rarely take me on pre planned dates so I've been looking forward to this; however he's agitated me so I DONNOT WANT TO GO. In addition to my frustration he points out he initiated & planned a date so it's not his fault if we don't go. Mean while I feel he is manipulating the situation because he knows how to really push my buttons so he looks like the good guy.

 

Am I wrong if I don't go?

 

[Violet7]

Sorry about the double post I thought the first one didn't go through because I didn't see it.

[4evrHZdtr3]

Mean while I feel he is manipulating the situation because he knows how to really push my buttons so he looks like the good guy.

 

Am I wrong if I don't go?

 

This type of manipulation is oh-so common. My husband did it, too.

Did your husband "initiate" this date, but not really want to do it? Or was it your choice of where to go, not his? Does he agree with the cost or long drive?

 

I don't want you to get in his head, here.. but if you already know that any of these are true, then that explains the push-pull manipulation with the icing of "See! I'm a good guy for initiating what you wanted!" and "Look at me, Aren't you proud of me. I am not the bad guy." all just childish ways of wanting your approval and they are very manipulative.

 

Only you can answer whether or not you should go... it's not a 'sin' to change your mind or refuse the gift from your husband when there's a bunch of garbage attached to it. Is this something that can be changed or refunded? Are those issues important to you? It's absolutely OK for you to think about what YOU want and then do it...

 

You can try siting down with him and tell him how you feel. Not what you think.. and not what you want him to stop... but how you feel... and if he hears you, then tell him what it would take to make you feel better...

One step at a time, one minute at a time.

[Looney_Tunes]

Well here's where 4evr and I will disagree just a little - IF your husband initiated this date, then if at all possible, you should go. The reason behind this is that we want him to initiate good things. We are only interested in his actions at this point, not his motivation. If he initiates a date and you don't go, he is unlikely to try again anytime soon.

 

However, if he's treating you so badly that you honestly feel unable to spend the evening in his company, make sure he knows exactly why you won't go and try to find a consequence for him. Take yourself out and leave him with the kids or whatever.

 

Sometimes we ask a wife to suck it up a little in order to help her husband grow, but that only goes so far.

[4evrHZdtr3]

Thanks Looney... You ARE the expert....

[Violet7]

Well I couldn't deal with it then. I went over to a friends house to hang out & left him with the children. He rescheduled the date for this Friday, tomorrow & we both are looming forward to it. We always enjoy driving out of town together & we both love live music. It was my desired, but also pleasing to him.

 

He does well for a little while, but as soon as I let my guard down he seem to get uncomfortable push me away.

 

The cycle was repeating itself for the last two days. I am actively pointing it out as it happens. I want to help him get past this childish behavior.

 

 

[4evrHZdtr3]

Does he accept your pointing it out? Does he work to change his behavior? Are you then responding warmly to that? all are important parts of the process...

[Violet7]

My emotion are constantly fluctuating. Sometimes I can be happy and the next second I'm sad. I feel like Misunderstood prefers me being sad and withdrawn from him, because thats the only time he responds lovingly toward me. He continues that for a few days, just long enough to let my guard down. Now, he does the right actions with a horrible attitude and sarcasm. He ask me what will bring me healing.....then when I tell him, he don't do it. Why does he even ask?

 

I don't want to be around Misunderstood. I got a job offer 2 hours away with a start date 4/15/13. My plan is to move, take the children with me and have him date me all over again. It breaks my heart that I want to leave my husband, but it can't be as bad as what I'm going through with him. He has one month to get his act together or he will be trying to win my heart back in a long distant relationship.

[Looney_Tunes]

I'm sorry it's come to that, but you're making the right decision. You deserve more than he is willing to give you.

[Violet7]

We were on the marriage call tonight. John and Susan are an on time wonder from God. They have challenged Misunderstood to give me passionate kisses, cleave to me all night, and compete in the don't be like dale contest. Although none of the information is new, I believe Misunderstood was receptive this time around. I have experienced more oxytocin on this call than I have in months. I laughed, smile and cried on the call. I have hope again and prayerfully this is the jump start we need to a lasting outrageously happy marriage.

 

My husband drastically reduced the times he became defensive on the call, he allowed me to praise him rather than boasting about his right actions and for the first time he expressed a desire to change his forum name from "MISUNDERSTOOD".

 

Thank You Daddy for hearing my prayers and answering. Thank You Lord for our turn around. Thank You for your unfailing love and Your plan my life. " Thank You for Your Word, "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." Jeremiah 29:11. Thank You for an outrageously happy marriage in Jesus Name!

[Violet7]

 

How can we change our names on the forum? I'd also like to move these post to the section where the couple is working together to have an outrageously happy marriage under a new heading. I'm not sure if I should start a new topic because I'd like to keep our journey all in one place. Someone please help;-)

[Looney_Tunes]

Let me know what you'd like your usernames to be and I'll change them.

 

I think right now it would be best to move this thread to the section for women whose husbands are working … and leave Misunderstood's thread in the men's section. He won't get much help in the couple's section. We can merge both of your threads there after he's been loving you consistently for awhile.

 

If you want a new title for your thread, I can change that too.

[Violet7]

I listened to the pre recorded call with Tim & Cindy. My husband didn't tell the whole truth. I will give my side on the forum.

 

Mother's Day: our parents live 2 hours away & the week before he expressed "Im gonna go to see my mother I mean it is Mother's Day" I immediately pointed out that he can pre plan for his mom but rarely does that for me. So the day before Mother's Day I ask do you have any plans? I didn't really care, I was only pointing out he still didn't pre plan for me after I told him the week before.

 

Our son has had issues off & on since i stopped breast feeding with constipation. We have taken him to the MD & tried many things. I was offended when they discussed my parenting & decided to change our son milk without my consent or knowing. My problem is with my husband, but since I have a good relationship with my mother in law I called her to discuss the baby on going issue & what we are doing.

 

It is true I called his mother, not to argue, but to remind her of what our pediatrician said to us, including her, "changing his formula would make matters worse, because his system will have to readjust" I have never disrespected his mother & I didn't yell at her. I appreciate that She is concerned about her grandson; however we are doing all that we can with the MDs direction. Last month, I allowed her to go to the MD appointment because I have felt she thought I wasn't telling the truth about what the MD said. He told her the same thing.

 

I also told her it was wrong to go behind my back while I'm out of town & any changes should be made by the parents. Durning that conversation she yelled at me & stated she wasn't gonna watch our son anymore. She also challenge my parenting & question if I love him (the child i gave birth to) My husband was at her house & heard everything she said to me. I didn't hear him defend me. Later He just tried to explain to me she didn't mean any harm & she was concerned about her grandson.

 

To make matters worse Monday I was required to travel out of time for work for a couple day & my husband was off Monday so he was supposed to watch our son. Well.......he took our son against my wishes to his mother house not once, not twice but three times in one day. The first time I could buy he didn't understand, but I talked to him & he did it again & a third time. For me that erase any ounce of hope for reconciliation I had left. Those actions screamed "I AM GOING TO DO WHATEVER I WANT & I DON'T CARE HOW YOU, MY LOVELY WIFE, FEEL ABOUT IT". I talked to him, asking why he would do that when his mother treated me that way, said she wasn't gonna watch him & he was suppose to have our son with him on his day off work. He verbally said "I did it because those are his grandparents & they love him" No regard or respect for me.

 

After over a year with J&K ministry, we are in a worse place because My husband refuse to apply what the ministry teaches. He has the tools & he insist on living his life as a single man. I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster. This instability is affecting me as a mom & on my job.

 

We are separated & this is a snap shot of two days in our world. This is his way of proving his undying love & winning my heart back!!!

[4evrHZdtr3]

Violet,

I am so sorry you are going through all of this! Your husband is clearly still tied to his mother's apron strings... at least when he prefers her and ignores you!

 

The best thing you can do right now is take care of you!

 

Also, I don't know when you quit nursing, but it is possible to "re-lactate"

 

i am a childcare provider and I have often seen the constipation you are talking about. It's horrible. And it usually comes from cow's milk/dairy based products.

NOT related to your parenting! What a joke!

 

As for your "relationship" with your MIL.. it doesn't sound like a two way street to me? Standing up for yourself is really good and healthy- even if it's not appreciated!

[Violet7]

I cant start again for many reasons: my stress level, work schedule not to mention I stopped nursing 5 months ago.....It's not always bad for him, some times are worse than others. I am praying for his digestive tract & doing everything I can to help him through until he grow out of it. My problem is my husband know what we are doing as he is also helping me with our son. He also knows how it break my heart, I cry with our son & am doing my best. I don't deserve the treatment from my MIL or my husband.

[4evrHZdtr3]

No you don't! Try to take your tears and emotions to God.. He really really does understand and He is not going to turn you away or punish you. Your feelings aren't wrong!

 

You might want to re-read book # 2 and then ask yourself- and God to show you- what actions you can do everyday to back up your belief that you are worth loving? What actions can you take that will powerfully get the message across to others that you don't have to- and won't - put up with abuse any longer...

[Looney_Tunes]

I'm sorry . . . I was pretty sure we weren't getting the whole story from your husband. I tried to concentrate on getting him to understand how you probably felt.

 

Just do what you need to do. Take care of yourself and the kids. If you don't to see or talk to him on any particular day, don't. He is like a toddler who can only see the world from his point of view, and he needs to change that if there is any hope of moving forward. At this point he can come to us for help with that. The only thing we would ask you to do, if you're able, is to continue to post the truth about any incidents that take place so we have the straight story.

 

If he won't come to us for help, or won't apply the things we teach him . . . oh well.

[Violet7]

I am very clear on my boundaries. I told him....."Do not text me unless its about our son. I don't want to keep your son from you so are free to see & spend time with our son when you get off 5 or 6 as long as you keep it focused on him not me. Do not expect to see him when you get off at 10, because I don't want you to be here late at night.

 

He was seeking pity on Thursday night call with Steve & Julie. "I haven't seen our son in almost a week & I really really wanted to see him." Truth is he kept our son over night Monday until Tuesday. As far as I know that's only 2 days. Tonight He got off at 9:45 & text me to come over because he really want to see the baby. I called him because he crossed my very clear

boundaries. He then took the opportunity to lay it on thick about out marriage/relationship.

 

I warned him if the boundaries aren't respected, we may need to get court established parenting time.