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Misunderstood: I want to respond to the post. I find myself in the middle of a sad situation were my wife is filling empty and incomplete and for that I am sorry. I have been trying to live with my wife in an understanding way and meet her needs. It is not that I don't want to do this. I am making every attempt to meeting her needs. The question is have I failed, yes I have failed not because I wanted to or tried to fail. I am continuing to grow and work on little areas in which I can improve. I guess this a big challenge for me. I know that the man should love his wife like Christ Loves the Church I have read that scripture and continuing to read other scriptures. I know that my wife is hurting. I ask her all the time what can I do, what do you need me to do, what will make this better for you. The truth is I do love my wife. My heart loves her and I am actively making steps towards being a source of life and strength to her. I am not taking a defensive role I am listening to her tears. We are a team a partnership and with any partnership there will be disagreements but I am trying to meet her where she is. Yes this process is very hard and I understand she is broken and hurt and emotional. What I am gathering from the readings is that she is not happy with me because I caused her so much pain.

 

My job is to be pleasing to my wife and live with her in an understanding way. I have listened to the calls and I understand that its all the man's fault of how he treat his wife. It's the man fault that his wife is in the condition that she is in. Its the man fault that his wife it angry and upset, hurt and feel alone. Its the man fault that his wife hurting, crying, weeping, and wondering when the pain will end. I know the purpose for all of this. I know the reason, and that reason is that the man is not living with his wife in an understanding way. The mother son issue is a big problem. know have I had those problems, sure I have. I have address those problems. I have made steps to move forward. I have made progress. My wife is hurt heart is broken. I want to stop the hurt and pain and all of the stress. Yes it is a battle. 20 hugs kisses and smiles. Consistent love, smile, caring, patient, kind, sweet, and compassionate all of those emotions are important. I know I have done these things however my battle my fight is consistent over and over and over again. These are all attributes of the fruits of the spirit. Now that I have said all of this. My heart is turned upside down.

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Misunderstood's wife's thread is here http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/5897-why-he-doesnt-desire-me-sexually/

 

 

OK, Misunderstood . . . and by the way, the username you chose says a LOT, and none of it is positive . . . since you have read your wife's thread, I'd like you to list your wife's three biggest needs here. I'm not asking in order to pick on you - I'm seeing a pretty big disconnect between what she is expressing and what you seem to be perceiving.

 

I don't think you are the one who is misunderstood. I think you are misunderstanding. I think you are stuck in your mother-son issues and aren't seeing yourself clearly. It's a common problem around here - men make a few small changes and become legends in their own minds. ;)

 

Since you're saying you do want to heal your wife's heart, I trust that means you're willing to post often, engage in a dialogue with the helpers, and do what we suggest. That's the fastest way to a healed marriage.

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Okay first I understand what you are saying about my username, however I do want to point out that we as men and women are often misunderstood from time to time. I am willing to go through with the process of learning and growing with my wife. Thats why I am here. I listen to my wife tell me about her hurt her pain and what I did to cause all of these problems to her. I respond and apologize to her. She stated that I am not hearing her heart, number two, I am not consistent with the 20 hugs, 20 smiles, and 20 kisses and compliments. I know it may see that I come off like I hate my wife but that is not true. I don't hate my wife, I do love her and care about her. Oh yes, number three she feels that I am just going through the motion and not taking this seriously. However, I am on the calls , I am on this forum, I have listen to her heart, I have change some behaviors and made modifications, but oh yes the conjunction but, this doesn't prove anything because in her eyes I don't really care, I don't really love, I'm just doing this because its good to do and not because I really want to do this. Well, the bible says men love your wife as Christ loves the church. I don't think Christ really wanted to die on the cross however He did. I may not 100% want to do all of this but at least am willing to go through the process. So if my wife says her heart is broken, I listen. If my wife says, she needs more love and affection, guess what I listen and not only do I listen but I try to meet her needs. I don't know what else I can do except for continue to improve on the little things. The smiles, hugs, kisses and compliments. I'm not perfect and I am not offended this is good I do await a response.

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I'm going to give you both some homework. I'd like you to start reading this thread http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/1000-the-donkey-the-delorean-eeyore-herdensity/ It's really long - over 150 pages - so you won't read it all in one sitting, and it's going to seem a bit disjointed because it was originally 2 threads that were merged. I really think you will relate to Steve, though, and you will learn a lot about how your wife probably feels from Melissa's posts. You will also get a lot out of the advice they were given as they navigated their way through this. Set aside some time every day to read a few pages - it's worth it.

 

So you are responding . . . what do you need to do to overcome that?

 

I'm asking because you've been around for awhile - you've been to an intensive and on the calls, and I'm pretty sure you know everything you need to know. I just want to see if you've got any gaps in your understanding.

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Hey MU,

 

I get a general feel from your posts - that your feeling sorry for yourself. Its a "look at all I'm doing, and she ..... " and here is something I picked up.

 

... but at least am willing to go through the process.

 

The tone of your heart says your not sold out. Its kind of like, well I'll give it a try and see what happens. - Besides Cindy's homework I would add one more thing.

 

What is your motivation?

 

TP

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  • 3 weeks later...

Apology letter to my wife: This letter comes to me as a reflection of thoughts in which I have come to an understanding that I have not been very pleasing to my wife. I have made you feel like you are not a priority and have not concerned your feelings nor connected with you emotionally. I thank you for pointing out all of my faults and failures. Well, with the birth of our child brings happiness, however I was not very attentive to your needs when you were in labor although I was there and I got you things and held your hand and rubbed your back. You needed me to focus all of my attention on you and not talk to my mother or others that where in the room and with that I apologize. I want to also apologize for not connecting emotionally to you over the past week as we have had many "bumps in the road" it is my job to bring you healing so that we both can live in a peaceful and blessed atmosphere. I take full responsibility for hurting you and not providing a source of life and strength. I want to continue understanding, and listening to your heart and connect with you emotionally. There are a list of many other things that I have done. I want you to know that I understand that your emotions are real and I do take it serious.

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This letter comes to me as a reflection of thoughts in which I have come to an understanding that I have not been very pleasing to my wife. - So is this an apology letter - or about you?

 

I have made you feel like you are not a priority and have not concerned your feelings nor connected with you emotionally. I thank you for pointing out all of my faults and failures. All of my faults and failure indicates a defensive selfish tone.

 

I have made you feel like you are not a priority and have not concerned your feelings nor connected with you emotionally. I thank you for pointing out areas I can work on to make our marriage better. -

 

Well, wishy washy - be definitive. With the birth of our child brings happiness, however I was not very delete the word "very" makes it subjective attentive to your needs when you were in labor although I was there and I got you things and held your hand and rubbed your back. Looks like you are trying to draw attention to the things you did not taking responsibility for the things ou did not do. You needed me to focus all of my attention on you and not talk to my mother or others that where in the room and with that I apologize. How would this make her feel. Validate her feelings. I want to also apologize for not connecting emotionally to you over the past week as we have had many "bumps in the road" it is my job to bring you healing so that we both can live in a peaceful and blessed atmosphere. I take full responsibility for hurting you and not providing a source of life and strength.How would this make her feel. When we are not connecting with our wives, it creates a deep inner sense of worthlessness for them. I want to continue understanding, and listening to your heart and connect with you emotionally. There are a list of many other things that I have done. I want you to know that I am learning to understand that delete your emotions are real delete and I do take it serious. am committed to becoming the husband Christ calls me to be.

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Sharing an awesome post from a man who has done this ~

 

This journey you are on is more than a how do I get my wife back program. It is first and foremost, how do I get my relationship with Christ back/where it needs to be for Him and not you. The term Christlike is very simple to break down. To be Christlike, one must always think as He would think before we act or react. Although this is not something we can obtain every minute of every day, it has to be your goal every minute of every day. People make mistakes and make bad choices. We are human and we are fallen but we can train our minds to focus only on the things that matter.

 

Jesus Christ came here to show us that a pure life could be lived here if the Father is our Lord and Master and we never stray from HIM. During His time here, did He not face persecution, defimation, slander, attacks on His character, spit on, and so on and so on? Yes, He did. How did He respond to each and every one of these things according to scripture? He responded in LOVE. He responded in love why? Because love conquers all.

 

So what is love? Love is a gift that is given. Love is not what one gets from another. As the song goes, "Oh how I love Jesus because He first loved me". Think about John 3:16. It is the most known and recited verse in the entire Bible. Yet, most people overlook the fact that it perfectly defines what love is. " For God so loved the world that HE GAVE" As believers of the Bible, we are given this definition so that we can be like HIM. God, our father, gave us the greatest give we could ever recieve, HIS son. HE gave us HIS son to show us what HE was willing to sacrifice to prove HIS love for us. What are you willing to give to show your wife your love her?

 

If this is truly a walk to Christlikeness and we are to be like Christ, shouldn't we be willing to sacrfice what Jesus did? What did Jesus sacrifice? He sacrificed everything including His physical being so that we could be saved from this treacherous evil world in which we live in. Think about this. God gave Adam and Eve every single thing needed to live perfectly but what did they do? They turned their eyes and ears from God and made a choice that was for them and not HIM. And, throughout the Old Testament man was constantly going against God and HIS laws and doing things for their own kingdoms and not HIS. In spite of all the documented stories of our rejection of HIM, HE never stopped loving us and the proof is, "God so loved the world that HE gave,".

 

We as husbands are commanded by God to Love our wives as Christ loved the church. How did He love the church? Unconditionally. That is the only true way to love our wives. In the garden of Gethsemane, Christ had to decide if He was willing to go through the awful torture and ultimately the cruxifction. He had a choice as do you with the walk you are currently on. The choice He had to make was, was He willing to be cruxified to save our souls not knowing how many or if any would accept Him as their savior. He did make the choice not knowing the end result. Why would He do this? Because He understood that to love some unconditionally means you must sacrifice everything and be willing to die in order for others ( your wife) may live.

 

What you are going through is no easy task but it can be done. I have walked it out and I survived. I did not win my wife back and that is okay because I now have the greatest gift anyone can ever hold. I have the uncondition love of Jesus Christ living inside my heart. If not for this journey, He would not be enbedded in every crevas of my being. Praise HIM!

 

I know this was long and I thank you for taking the time to read it. I wrote to you and anyone else willing to read this for a reason. There is a time when you must walk into your garden of Gethsemane to decide. You have to decide if you are willing to love your wife unconditionally and sacrifice everything not knowing whether she will choose your love or love of another. If you do choose to do this and be Christlike, you must forgive her for all the things she has done and the things she is currently doing. As Christ was bleeding on the cross, He felt alone and unsure ( Father why have you foresaken me?) but even in that awful moment of lonliness, He asked the Father to "forgive them for they know not what they do". That my friend is what true love looks like.

 

There is only one real question in the entire process that you need to answer. Are you willing to be like Him for her?

 

God Bless

David

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Wonderful post Looney!

 

MU...the real question is, "when are you going to take what you know and believe it? When are you going to die to your self...set aside your position and love your bride in an unconditional manner, unexpectant of ever receiving from her, always willing to sacrifice for her gain...When?"

 

TimothyPaul has your number here so i won't repeat it, but there needs to be a heart change at some point inorder for you to move this mountain. Go back to the book and re-read the Apology letter...remember, this is about her, not you. As a man who has walked, crawlled, and bawled his way forward, i can assure you of this; It's been about us for too long...it's time to surrender our ego, our pride, our selfish selfrighteousness, our ideas, and our thoughts and exchange them all for Christ's. HE is our rock and our salvation. He alone is our portion and cup. He is our alpha and our omega, our beginning and our end.

 

As you are transformed by the renewing of your mind to the mind of Christ...your life will take on a new, sweet, selflessness. You will begin to see that your love for your wife far exceeds any needs of your own...you are called to be Christlike and lay you life down for her. This is the best, greatest, and most rewarding journey you could ever begin. The terraine is horrible, the mountains are dangerous, the nights are long, the way is hazardous, the rivers are tough, and the victory is so, so sweet!

 

You have come face to face with the expectation that God has predestined for you...you are entering into a journey of Christlikeness.

 

Welcome! This is gonna be awesome!

 

In Him,

 

IHI

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  • 4 weeks later...

I am new to this posting but I think what I am seeing you keep saying that you love your wife but with my past I loved my wife for many years even through all that I did but I was waiting for her to change because I didn't desire her the way she was.......... :idea: Then when I found out that I had mother son issues I had to realize that I was the problem. I did an about face in my life and really chose to work on our relationship with God and our marriage. I had to work to go the next step to really desire my wife which took a lot of prayer and asking God to change my heart and put a desire for my wife in me. It was not easy to clear my mind of all the garbage I allow into my mind but God is faithful to change our minds and all the memories fade, it takes a determination to resist going back there in your mind. I had to remind satan he was defeated and he had lost I wasn't going his way any longer. It took a lot of seeing how much I had hurt my wife to finally feel the pain of what I had done to her. I am not there totally yet but we are a lot better off than we have been in years. It is always a good thing when you take the time to put your wife first, someone once said that you can chase your whole life trying to finish every task that you know you need to get done and when you are dead and gone that list will still be there. So forget the things that you make important to you and put you wife at the top of the list. All the things that keep you from spending time with her are really not all that important in perspective.......I have been a slow learner on this but you will be pleasantly surprised when you win her heart and truly desire to spent time with her. Who is stopping you but you? :blush:

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