Rebuilding a Man of God

[passion4one]

Hello this is the husband of "1Love" we are working on our OHM there have been good times rough times since we went to our intensive.

I had been a very faithful believing christian growing up. Years of working and trials in our lives slowly eroded my beliefs and faithfulness to God and my wife. Watching the movie Courageous effected me in ways that I can not explain but it still is hard to make the time to do all the things I know that I need to do to build my faith and marriage back up to what God has for us.

I know that I hurt my wife very much and that is something that I will still be dealing with for years to come it seems. But I am determined to become a courageous man of God and be an example for my children and my wife.

I am not use to to forums but guess I will learn to find my way around here.

[Looney_Tunes]

Yay, you're posting! ::clap Welcome to the forum!

 

You have an awesome wife. She wants you to succeed and is willing to do whatever it takes. Many men here would give anything to be in your shoes, so count your blessings.

 

This forum is an awesome tool, but in order to get maximum benefit from it, you have to use it. That means a) post often and b ) be honest about what you're thinking, feeling, and struggling with. Respond to the people who answer you. We want to help you, but we can't if you don't talk to us.

 

I have some homework for you. I would like you to start reading this thread. It's long . . . well over 150 pages now . . . so you won't read it all in one sitting, and it will seem a bit disjointed because it was originally two threads that were merged. Stephen and Melissa have taken their marriage from the brink of divorce to outrageously happy, and you'll learn a lot from reading their story. If you have any questions as you're reading, post them here and I'll make sure they see them - they don't get on the forum as often as they used to.

 

As you're reading, please note how Stephen posts. His posts are not just one- or two-liners. He talks about where he's struggling and either asks questions or tells us what changes he needs to make. He responds to the helpers who post to him. That's how you get the most out of the forum.

 

I know from your wife's posts that you are struggling with some time management issues. Is that the main thing that's tripping you up right now, or are there any other areas that aren't clicking into place?

[1love]

Since you heard me typing and thought I was writing to you, I thought I might should do so. I want to thank you for posting here. Reading your post this morning has touched my heart more than my words can express. I also want to thank you for stepping up to the plate to become the man that God (and I) desires you to be. Your willingness to get on here was a big step in my eyes. I want you to know how much I appreciate all that you are doing to heal my heart. At times, it may feel like we're not getting anywhere, but I know that we are. God is faithful. Since He is in our corner, we have to succeed! I look forward to living out our OHM that we are both striving for.

[passion4one]

Looney

Yes time management is an issue for me with work taking 13hrs a day on normal 10hr days and a few 12hr days. We are still looking for a week day home to be closer to work but that is proving a difficult search. I just checked for curiosity on jobs in my area but nothing comparable came up. The closest was still 50+ miles from home. But part of the issue is the amount of the time i do have looking at world news that maybe is an obsession for me so trying to find a way to eliminate most of that time spent there. I have started on some of the threads but dont remember which ones but will try to read the selected one.

[Looney_Tunes]

But part of the issue is the amount of the time i do have looking at world news that maybe is an obsession for me so trying to find a way to eliminate most of that time spent there.

 

You don't have to "try to find a way." You simply have to do it. Nothing that is going on in the world is more important than your wife. If there's a decent talk radio station that you can pick up in your car, listen to the news on the way to and from work. Trust me, it's not gonna change that much after you get home. If that's not an option, then allow yourself a certain amount of time to check the news sites after you have made sure your wife knows she is your number one priority. She's not unreasonable. She knows you like looking at the news, and I'm sure she's willing to let you have time to do that as long as she doesn't feel like she's last on your list.

 

I get the whole drive thing - I worked 12 hour shifts 76 miles from my house for years. I know that doesn't leave you a lot of time to get other things done. Are you working every day? Most of us who work 10-12's work 3-4 days per week.

 

On your next day off, spend some time figuring out your priorities. Time with God and with your wife should be tops on that list. Work is next. You need to schedule everything else around those three things. Do not try to fit them around everything else. If you do, you'll be stuck where you are now - frustrated and feeling like there is no way you can do what needs to be done.

[passion4one]

I have taken some time off from work with the holiday and spending more time at home has shown me that I have raised most of my boys to follow in my foot steps. Now that I see the problems that I have been I get to deal with my sons doing the same things that I was doing only now I am as irritated as my wife is. I can see it is going to be a long road for me to fix the things I have trained in them as well as myself. Good news is maybe we are closer to having a week day house closer to work if it all works out. Still seeking Gods direction on that but it will allow a lot more family time and be a lot less driving in bad weather. We have had some good conversations and together time which has been needed and really been an enjoyable vacation time.

[Looney_Tunes]

I just read your wife's post . . . nice.

 

Until she's healed, any anniversary of a significant hurt on your part is going to be a hard day for her. The few days leading up to it may also be a little touchy. She's already mentioned Christmas and New Years. Can you think of any others? Anticipate her feelings and pour on a bunch of extra love and attention. Eventually she'll be healed and those days will be reminders of how far you've come instead of how bad you hurt her, but she's not there yet.

[passion4one]

Been a while since i was here but glad the holidays are over just wish it would slow down........... There are still bad days when things trigger bad thoughts and she gets upset that such little things cause such battles in her mind but we have made it thur more of those days and soon this month will be over and at least there will not be any immediate days coming up for a while, or so I think. We have had a lot of discussions that going over the past but there have been some awesome times. We have discussed that our love for each other is stronger now than it has been in many years. It is a battle to remove all or your past from your memories but that has progressed pretty well. We have enjoyed a lot of time flirting with each other making it some happy times. I still have a lot to learn but I have learned to protect my desires, my desire for her is as strong now as when we were first married and that is something I dont want to ever lose again. My desire to protect that has made it easier to quench any attempt for my mind to wander back, I refuse to look back to where I was but I am determined to keep my passions and desires for a very pretty woman that I found again......... Life is always busy but there is always time to give hugs and snuggle.....especially in the cold weather. Having a great start to a new year and about to have a one year anniversary from our intensive.

[1love]

Hi! Just checking to see how long it takes you to find this here!

 

We have come a long way from a year ago. That is fantastic. But we haven't arrived yet. I think we are both in the same boat here, which in itself is a good thing....at least we are together instead of different boats. I am not content where we are. I don't know what I should be expecting. I don't know what an OHM looks like, but I know I want it, and I know we aren't there. I have hope that we will get there, which is more than I could say a year ago. So that's good.

 

I agree with you that we are better than we have been for YEARS. I agree with you that we don't want to settle for what we had in the good years. What do we need to do differently to push on to our OHM? We will find our answers here if we will actively involve ourselves. If you are like me, and I think you are, you probably don't even know what questions to ask. I don't either! The answer to that is not to just stay away from here. Maybe the first question to ask is simply, "What should I ask?"

 

There is a saying that says, "If it isn't broke, don't fix it!" How true, but it doesn't apply to us. We were terribly "broke" and need "fixed." You have made some big steps toward that repair. I guess it's kind of like the internet cable you just hooked up. It didn't work at first, but you kept going back until you found ALL the bad spots in the cable so you could cut them out to where it works perfectly now.

 

You've taken out the biggest barrier in our relationship. You are still bringing the healing to that brokenness. To that I say a great big THANK YOU!!!! Now we have to dig deeper to get rid of all the things that have been buried for so long. It will take WORK!

[1love]

Well, I wasn't finished there.

 

It will take work. We can't weed the garden if we sit inside drinking lemonade. We won't weed the whole garden in one day, but if we work on it continually, with lemonade breaks interspersed, we will get the job done.

 

The answers are here if you will spend the time to find them.

 

I am so looking forward to walking in our OHM with you for the rest of our lives. I don't want to take any longer than absolutely necessary to get there. The longer we take to get there, the less time we will have to stay!

[passion4one]

I have seen the post on my working on my time management ...I work 5 days a week getting up around 4am normal hrs are 6:30am to 5:00pm so if we dont have to stop for gas, every other day, and I dont work over we can get home by 6:30pm. But usually we stop for gas and some quick shopping that can easily put it between 7 and 8 when we get home. The if there is anything left of me I often have things to check out. Usually by the time I eat I am ready to head to bed and listen on the call some. I read a couple pages on the forum tonight but had to quit when my eyes give out. So call this my whinning excuse for time management.

[Looney_Tunes]

Thanks for sharing. You do have a challenging schedule, but it's only a whining excuse if you refuse to make any changes. If you posted it with the intention of seeing if any of us have suggestions, great. It's OK to admit that you don't know how to make this work. Your post sounds a little defensive, but let go of that, OK? We really just want to help.

 

I worked 12 hour shifts for much of my career. I know that you can't do much besides work and sleep. Do you work 5 days in a row and then have 2 off, or are they split? And I know you have a long drive to work, but I don't remember how long. I noticed that you get up about 2 1/2 hours before you need to be at work. I'm a little curious about what you do with all that time, because I don't think your drive is that long. Is that your time alone with God? Or do you tend to be so unconscious of time that you need 2 hours to get ready for work?

 

My first thought is to stop trying to cram things like shopping into your work days. Just come straight home after work. The same goes for anything you need to "check out" - unless it MUST be done that evening, as in life won't function if you don't do it, it can wait. Eat your dinner, spend some time with the kids, and read for 10 minutes. Then go to bed with your wife and EITHER listen to the call for a little while or spend 15 minutes or so on the forum.

 

Plan your days off. One of them can be spent running errands, working on projects, etc. and one of them should be spent relaxing with the family. Learn to say no. You do not have to help everyone who asks. Your wife and your marriage should be your priority right now.

 

And please learn to take those vacation days. Your company will survive without you for a day or two. I'm sure they value you, but no one is so important that the company will go under if they take some time off, and your wife needs to know that she is more important than your job.

 

Please don't come back with all the reasons this won't work. Try it. Give it a couple of weeks, and then sit down with your wife and tweak what needs tweaking. Otherwise you're telling your wife that she really is less important than all the other things you think you have to do, and I don't think that's the message you want to send.

[passion4one]

I work Monday to Friday and only a very occasional Saturday but during the week if there are times i work overtime but not usually more than 12hrs. I try to get out the door before 5 my goal is 4:40 which lets me get an extra 1/2hr of overtime in, the drive is about 1hr 20min in good weather. I know that I need to work 50-55 hrs to keep ends in sight....... I am blessed with the job that I have.

 

I meet my wife on Wednesday nights part way home so the son that works with me can have a car to go to youth where he is in leadership and we visit her mom briefly. I have seen where my son gets aggravated with the shopping stops but with stopping at wal-mart to get a card for gas the shopping seems trivial. We have talked about that so will probably skip the shopping unless it is something I need to get and pay the slightly higher prices at the gas station and save my time.

 

I have relocated my bible to the dining room to read before work since too much of my time breaks don't happen where I can get to my office and read online. It also works for evening bible reading after dinner with the family......this is still in the habit forming time knowing full well it will not happen every evening with all the schedules.

[Looney_Tunes]

I had about the same commute when I was working. I didn't mind it so much - sometimes it was the only time I had to myself - but it definitely does cut into your day.

 

It sounds like just getting organized would help a lot. There really shouldn't be a need for multiple trips to the store each week. Keep a list, get everything on it on your shopping day, and you should have everything you need for the week. If you do forget something, then yeah, just get it at the gas station and save time.

 

Personally, I use my phone for everything. I can make lists, set reminders, keep a calendar, set alarms, etc. If you don't like to use your phone for that stuff, then get yourself a notebook, or find some other way to remember what you're supposed to do. Sit down with your wife and decide which project you're going to work on on your day off, and jot down what you'll need to pick up so you don't waste half the day figuring out what you need.

 

I understand that this doesn't come naturally to you. I get that you need time to develop the habits, and that you'll have to do some trial and error until you figure out a system that's going to work for you. But what you're doing isn't working, so you need to try something else. The other alternative is to leave your wife feeling neglected and unimportant, and as I said before, I don't think that's what you want. So how about starting with these three things -

 

1. Come straight home from work Thursday and Friday. Since you didn't have time to really plan this out, if you have to make one quick trip through the store, go ahead. Maybe you can do that when your wife picks you up on Wednesday. But try to do it only once and get everything you'll need for the rest of the week. Start making a list of what you'll want for next week.

 

2. Decide with your wife on a project for this weekend. It sounds to me like she wants you to start on the garage. Are there any supplies you need - storage bins or anything like that? Figure that out now so you can get them on your shopping trip.

 

3. Get on the call Wednesday, and read and post on the forum on Thursday and Friday.

 

Then rinse and repeat next week. Does that sound doable? They're fairly small changes, but I think they'll make a difference. Then we'll see how it's working, get your wife's input, and maybe make a couple more changes in 2 or 3 weeks.

[passion4one]

Life has served up a buffet of things to deal with but I have learned to expect everthing to go wrong when we are working on doing the right things in our lives. Last week was very much off schedules but this week is has gotten back to a good start. Finding more time to read books and do devotions at night. I am hoping that I can work on a task list now and not be side tracked by all of emergency projects. With a move coming in the next few weeks life should get better with more time to spend together. It has been very rewarding to spend quiet time together and praying together, still working on the reading together. But I know progress is being made.

[Looney_Tunes]

Yay!

[passion4one]

It would be a lot easier to have known what I was doing when I started all the foolish things that I have done in the past. The daily, weekly, etc times of seeing the pain that I caused are a constant reminder of how much I have hurt her and to know that I am forgiven yet it still hurts so much. There are times she gets frustrated with all the little things that set off an wave of emotions that she feels helpless to control. Lots of prayer and holding and hugging. I still feel helpless to make that all go away no matter how assured she is that I love her how much I complement her, encourage her....I know she wants to see and end to all of this. Hopefully we will have more time to share with each other during the week. Will be staying closer to work in a week or two which will help but it is a long slow road. Not giving up just wish that I make miracles happen in her life. There are traces of my destruction in many areas of your family that will take time to recover from. I know that I have caused depression in her life for many years that have effected many thing. Finally becoming taking the place of leadership in our home with family devotions has been a big change not as consistent as I would like it to be but when we miss because of every ones schedules I don't worry about it. We are still winning the battle, he lost me, not going back.........

[passion4one]

I am finding that dealing with my sons that are acting like 2 year old's, like I had been, is hard to deal with. I don's seem to be getting through to them that they are acting just like I use to do.........

[4evrHZdtr3]

It will get better! Just going to take consistency and patience. Perhaps you could ask God if they need a different approach? Also remember that whenever two kids(even if they're big kids) are in cahoots against one recovering parent, things can be pretty challenging.

[1love]

J, I just want to tell you thank you for stopping what you were doing last night when I got home and you saw that I was not doing too well. Thank you for coming to my rescue.

 

I am some better now, although still not where I want to be. There are still times that I wonder if I can fully let go of all the past hurt to soar in the true love as I so desperately want to do.

 

Thank you for holding me and praying for me.

[1love]

I just want you to know how much it hurt when you gave me the indication that spending the time with me today was not worth missing out on the $150 on the paycheck. I guess we should never have gone down that road.

 

I know you brought up the missing out on the money in connection with the dental appointment. I was trying to give you a positive thing to hang the money on....spending time together. Boy did that bite me in the seat!

 

Yes, you apologized for being a jerk.

 

I forgive you.

 

But you know, after telling you about #2 daughter's assignment that she interviewed me for, it was a real slap in the face: Hosea chapter 1 and 3. She then asked me the current monetary value that Hosea bought his adulterous wife out of slavery for: $12,500 to $20,000.

 

In her sin, she was worth more to him than I am to you.

 

Thanks for nothing!

 

Maybe I should give you a bill for being your cabdriver today? Let's see, I spent 7 hours so far on the road for you today with another half hour to come before the day is done! I gladly do this for the opportunity to be with you and make the most of what little time we have with your work project going on.

 

Yes, I am hurt! I forgive you, but I am still hurt. I feel like the only value you place on me is in bed....when you want to. At least you are coming to me for that. You know, next to Jesus, spending time with you is the most valuable thing to me. And this is what I get for it!

 

I said today that we need to focus on the foundation building of our relationship....everyday spending time in God's Word TOGETHER, and spending quality time together. (part of which would be in the Word). If we don't get anything else done, we HAVE to do that in order to survive the current job demands. Lack of quantity time does not have to get rid of quality. In fact, it greatly increases the necessity for it.

 

You have been doing such a super job in bringing healing to me, but somewhere along the line you have gone back into being self-focused. I understand job requirements. I don't understand feeling that the job is more important to you than I am. Do you go to work for me or for you?

 

You told me the work philosophy of this out-of-state guy......work all the hours, get all the money, then spend time with the wife. When you told me about it, you knew he had the wrong idea. It didn't take you long to adopt his idea though.

 

What is more important? The money? Or me?

 

You can keep apologizing for the same behavior every day. They are all worthless apologies unless you are committing to change that behavior.

 

We don't ask God to forgive us just to be okay with going back and doing the same thing over again. He forgives the repentant heart. Repentance is having a change in mind, heart, and direction. It is pro-actively making sure not to repeat the offense.

 

It is time for some pro-active steps in getting to an OHM.

[1love]

Thank you for a wonderful night last night and a wonderful morning this morning. As I told you this morning, you made me feel special. I haven't felt that for awhile. You made me feel that I am important to you.

 

Happy anniversary!

[passion4one]

What a wonderful thing to do on our anniversary........................I am sorry it did not turn out to be the week I had in mind. I can never make up for the disaster this week turned into but I hope that the roses and some time will allow you to find me again.

[1love]

Thank you for the beautiful roses! Thank you for spending time with me today! I am so looking forward to finding each other again. You really are my source of strength. When I can't feel you there, I don't hold up too well.

 

Thank you for posting! I know this week was not what either of us had planned. Life really stinks sometimes. I wanted so desperately to just be with you and couldn't. That brought back too many days like those with your last job. It was just too big of a reminder of a former life that I refuse to go back to.

 

So we move forward to our OHM.

[passion4one]

Not really sure what all is going on, it seems like I am in trouble if I am not following the schedule that i dont have. If i dont jump into bible study right after supper it i am automatically skipping it for the night. I feel condemned for not being able to do all that is expected of me on que. And no i probably still dont get the being and doing thing that is going to have to soak in after I get thru the condemned feelings. One of the things that has been a tension point is switching the bed we used for the last 2 weeks that she had the boys move, because i wanted the switch but didn not know ,brain dead, that she would be so upset with the change. Last night was the end of the switch period our daughter finished the class so will not be staying with us next week. I found out about this earlier this week i think but had i know i would not have had the bed switch done for "me". Last night was not a good night, I knew that she was upset but I guess I am tireing of trying to keep everything on a happy note all the time. I felt like her actions is what caused the issues she was having but it is my fault because that was what I wanted. Had I known how troubling it was going to be for her I would never have don the switch to start with. Things have not been normal for me at work for almost 2 months now, but due to my selection of a vendor i have had a lot of overtime to test programing after hrs of running. I guess I have been asking myself if it would be easier on her without me, she wouldnt have my past to deal with in our relationship if it wasnt anymore........ Not really where I want to go but starting to get weary at times because things have not been like I would like for them to be. Running me short on time and patience. i would write more but I know a bad storm is about here so better to post and continure later......