Rebuilding a Man of God

[passion4one]

I was wondering if anyone has seen any other changes that I need to make to my apology letter before giving it to my wife?

[Looney_Tunes]

I think your letter looks pretty good. You've validated her feelings, which is the most important part.

[passion4one]

I am still reading and re-reading the Broken Children Grown up pain book.  I get so frustrated that I can read it and know what it says but I still have no clue as to how it really applies.  The section on the steps to a healthy relationship is just not sinking in to make sense.  I can Identify with parts of it but I feel like I must be missing the entire point of the section.  

I decide that I need to add Rescuer to the list of my problems.  This morning on the way to drop me off R was going through all the things on arrested development that I needed to address.  It was not comfortable and definitely was not lifting my up any way other than that she cared enough about me wanting to see me change that she works to explain the issues to me relative to where I am.  

One of the issues is the way I look at overtime I know we have a lot of bills coming in from 2 houses, Christmas and her chiropractor treatments.  In my mind I know I need to work the overtime to have the additional money to cover as much of it as I can without having to roll more into credit card debt. But for me to just let go and let God have full control of our finances is a difficult step that scares me......  This causes friction between us that consumes a lot of our time together without really accomplishing anything.

I blew it tonight it talking about the fact that I quite my chiropractic maintenance because our insurance does not cover that very well.  I am willing to do without it to save having the bills, R said that was my choice.  So tonight started out on a cold note tonight I did acknowledge that her case is a necessity because it would become debilitating it not taken care of.

My other issue that I am trying to deal with is getting all the work I committed to doing each day and getting enough sleep to be productive at work.  I am doing better tonight I think but last night it was really eating at me because I didn't get it all done.

[Looney_Tunes]

I get so frustrated that I can read it and know what it says but I still have no clue as to how it really applies.  The section on the steps to a healthy relationship is just not sinking in to make sense.  I can Identify with parts of it but I feel like I must be missing the entire point of the section.

 

 

So let us help you. What, specifically, doesn't make sense? Tell us what you're reading and let's see if we can say it another way. Sometimes it just takes hearing it from a different point of view.

 

for me to just let go and let God have full control of our finances is a difficult step that scares me....

 

 

It is for everyone. You're certainly not alone there. But you gotta do it anyway.

 

My other issue that I am trying to deal with is getting all the work I committed to doing each day and getting enough sleep to be productive at work.  I am doing better tonight I think but last night it was really eating at me because I didn't get it all done.

 

 

That's simply time management. We've talked about that before. It's a skill that can be learned.

[passion4one]

Looking for suggestions, different times I will text or say  something line "I love you my beautiful sexy blond"  only to get the question of "Am I"  this does not stop me from saying it again but I am wondering how I should be responding to that.  I have told her different times that yes she is beautiful to me.  I had ask God to give me a desire for my wife and He did answer that prayer.  I do desire here and find her attractive and sexy.  She looks at the part that she had gained weight back and still feels fat and ugly.  There are some other complements that I have had to stop using because of my past when I use one she doesnt like she will tell me or I can tell from the look I get so I have agreed and try to never use certain complements.  I just want to let her know how I feel about her but thought I would ask the question and see if there is a great idea I should be doing ....

[passion4one]

It has been a great week for the most part with my lovely wife.  It has been busy and crazy with all the things going on. I have let her know that I have a machine change over in a couple weeks before that ends I have work scheduled on another machine that has the potential of having me work late hours.  My normal day is 6:30-5 but the ones coming in work more like 9am to 6-7pm but I try to keep here informed on that.  Just not a lot I can do in my position to not be there when important work is being done on equipment that I am the main support for.  I am working on bringing up that issue to attempt to get a trainee to work with and bring up to speed.  I have a lot of repair work lined up this weekend and am hoping to engage some of my sons to help with this work.  My first goal is to get  a repair job done for my beautiful wife that I love very much.  I do not like that some of the homework is not getting done at the frequency I want to be doing it but I am staying in the word every morning for the part with journaling on what I read.

[Looney_Tunes]

I am wondering how I should be responding to that.

 

 

Yes, I think you're beautiful and sexy. I realize I have not made you feel that way, and I am sorry.

 

You might also have a discussion with her about the kind of compliments she likes to receive. When a husband has had affairs, sometimes the wife is uncomfortable with being told she is sexy until a great deal of healing has taken place. What would she prefer to hear?

[Looney_Tunes]

J, unless you're in the couple's section - and in order to be there, it requires that both husband and wife have been consistently working on the marriage for awhile and are making progress - we ask that husbands and wives do not post on each other's threads. You certainly need to be reading her thread so that you understand her heart, but if there is something you wish to respond to, please copy and paste it and then respond here. I have asked your wife to do the same - actually, I asked her to stay off your thread entirely, because she does not need to know what's in your heart at this stage of the game.

 

Read that again to make sure you understand. You read her thread but do not post there. She does not read or post on your thread.

 

I moved your last post from her thread over here.

 

Once again, it sounds like your perception of what's going on is very different than hers.

[passion4one]

I know that I have not kept up with all of the things that I need to be getting done but Ihave chosen to keep up with my reading the word.  I have been working on a lot of repairs to keep things running and she knows that as well as driving back and forth several nights to accommodate appointment schedules.  I know I have no excuse to not post on here more but I still find it hard to come up with questions.  I am still trying to figure out how to show her that I love her in the way that she wants me to. 

[Looney_Tunes]

I know that I have not kept up with all of the things that I need to be getting done

 

 

Wrong attitude, J.

 

I have been working on a lot of repairs to keep things running and she knows that as well as driving back and forth several nights to accommodate appointment schedules.

 

 

Excuses.

 

I still find it hard to come up with questions

 

 

Really? You are doing so well that there is nothing you need to know?

 

You will change when you finally get sick and tired of the person you are. When you get sick and tired of hurting everyone around you. When you get sick and tired of trying to manage your life yourself rather than letting God take control.

 

You're not there yet.

[passion4one]

I guess the hard part of letting go of everything could be related to bills exceeding my income too many of the months. It puts me in the attitude that there is no way out of here.  I keep coming up with things that have to be taken care of, like figuring out now what to do with my daughters car and how she is going to get to school.  I don't really see getting another car for her as possible right now it will take a miracle to pull that off.  Yes God can do that but I have a hard time having the faith to believe that it is going to happen.

I have started skipping parts that dont make sense or mean anything to me in the book.  I am going on with reading the book to the end and going back to where I got lost and trying to read as much as I can make sense of.  Most likely I will re read the book again after I finish or at least the parts that really speak too me.  I can sense that there is a lot that "wounded employee" has done to effect how I function at work but I can not really grasp it all yet.  I just have to keep re reading it till I can see what it really means in my life.

[4evrHZdtr3]

You are blinded in your reading and efforts by your own self being in charge of coming up with every solution for every problem. When was the last time you said to God: "I don't know You.. I don't know how to get prayer answers.. I don't understand what I am reading.. I need Your grace and help!"

[passion4one]

Actually I have been reading in the gospels and looking at all the locations where He healed everyone that they brought to him. I wrote something very close to that in my journal for him to show me why I dont see the answers to my prayers, why do we not see healing today. Questions that I have ask several times before.  All I can do is keep seeking an answer.

[ChooseLove]

You are blinded in your reading and efforts by your own self being in charge of coming up with every solution for every problem. When was the last time you said to God: "I don't know You.. I don't know how to get prayer answers.. I don't understand what I am reading.. I need Your grace and help!"

 

Good observation.  

 

Passion4one, I am like you at times where I try to figure out everything before making a decision/move.  I did not really start making any progress winning my wife's heart back until I started to die to self, as I had focused on how I felt previously. I did not know what I was doing as a husband for our entire marriage, hence finding this ministry!  

 

I now know my prayers were hindered for restoration because I was so controlling, including being spiritually abusive to my wife (i.e., not being a Christlike husband).  Once I found this ministry and started loving my wife in faith, the way the Bible/ministry teaches, I began to change, trusting God each step of the way, even though my wife did not respond initially to my efforts.  Here we are over 2 months later and she and I are on the way to a full restoration because I am dedicated to pursuing her no matter what, even if I don't have many of the answers.  

 

Anytime I get consumed with questions, concerns, areas that would seize me emotionally I turn them over to God and pray -  Lord what would you have me focus on? More often than not, God shows me to look past my own desires, seeking to meet the needs of my wife and family and then those issues I had been so concerned about fade to the background.  It really is amazing how God prioritizes our responses when we truly heed his instruction in our lives, living out our faith to the max!

[passion4one]

I guess I don't feel like I have any control of my life.  My wife tells me that I let life happen to me instead of making life happen.  I seldom do anything that I want to do.  After 3 weekends I have my daughter back driving her car.  I spent that last Saturday at a pinewood derby to be there for my boys that were racing, this was during the warm part of the day, go home around 2-3 it was already getting cold.  I worked with the help of one of my sons until the freezing rain made everything too iced over to do anything.  So the way I see that is I am letting life happen to me.  But I did the right thing in taking the prime work on the car time to go be with my boys.  I do not understand how I am suppose to make life happen in my circumstances.

 

This last 2 weeks have been a trying time for me,  last friday I was working with an outside integrator to finish and upgrade project. I was wanting to get out of work by 5 but he was not finished yet and could not stay the next week.  Long story short I was working with him until after 11pm after some of his fixes for problems blew up and crashed forcing him to have to recover and rebuild parts of what he had done.  Then the last 2 days a printer technician has been in working on the printer that I am responsible for maintaining,  he works till almost 8pm last night and a little after 7pm tonight.  I feel trapped by needing to be there to understand what all is being done so I can explain the problems to management.  Things should get back to normal tomorrow but that is the type of job that I have.  

 

I know all of the late hours are not fair to my wife, granted we can always use the overtime with all of the additional bills we have for doctors and etc.

 

I have been so busy with extra driving back and forth from work to home rather than my work day home that I have lost out on time to do a lot of reading and posting here.  I need to find out how to handle life when it gives us an overload.

[TimothyPaul]

Please read Steve Covey's book. "First Things First"

[Looney_Tunes]

I was going to suggest the same thing.

 

This is just time management, J. We've talked about it before. Trouble is, that's as far as you ever got - talking about it. If you want things to change, then you actually have to make some changes.

[passion4one]

OK, my first response was to close my computer and toss it on the floor!

 

Explain how time management is going to take care of helping me get everything done?

 

 The previous weekend I was on the call for a while on Saturday then I took off to take my wife out to eat and spend time with her.  Sunday after church I worked on the car until I got to a part that I had to wait for the repair to set up overnight.  Being too late to go to our week day house I then drive the 150 miles round trip to come back home and pick up my wife and children to drive the 85 miles to my week day house.  Two children live at home during the week so weekends are spent back as a family and this is where our church home is at.  

 

How do I make life happen?

[Looney_Tunes]

Explain how time management is going to take care of helping me get everything done?

 

 

Umm . . . that's what time management is. It's learning how to organize your life so that you control it, instead of it controlling you. It's making sure that you get the important things done, and that if something has to slide, it's one of the less important things.

 

Read the book.

[TimothyPaul]

OK, my first response was to close my computer and toss it on the floor!

 

Was that in response to what we are suggesting? - You know I was listening to you on the men's call that Saturday.  And honestly, I had to work very hard to keep my mouth shut.  For years, I did a heck of a lot of commuting.  My office was in Miami and our family moved to Naples.  I kept a condo in Miami and would commute on weekends.  My son was a musically prodigy, so on Fridays, I used to get off work at 7PM, 2 hour drive to Naples, go to sleep, get up and drive back to Miami with my son so he could go to a special music program at U of M, and then drive back to Naples.  After a year or two of this, we sold the condo in Miami, and I used to make the two hour commute daily.  Also, I was self employed and owned a very successsful chain of stores, so this wasn't a nine to five job. 

 

Everyone on that call, was trying to make helpful suggestions, but you didn't want to hear.  Steve, (especially with what he is going through now) "gets it".  I get  it, Joel gets it.  You make choices that are contrary to your family's well being.  They are self serving, egocentric and unbiblical.  - And I am sorry to be so blunt - but you need to look at the motivation of your choices.

 

Guys like you and I will make these choices and be able to mask them in an altruistic layer of bubble wrap so the world at large doesn't see the underlning narcisissim.  We become so good at it, we even begin to fool our selves.

 

I asked you to read the book, First Things First, because it will help you.  Take it from a guy that has lost everything. 

 

When you close your computer - don't toss it.  When you lose everything , they become very expensive to replace.

 

In His service....TImothyPaul

[passion4one]

More often than not, God shows me to look past my own desires, seeking to meet the needs of my wife and family and then those issues I had been so concerned about fade to the background.

 

That is what I have been doing with most all of my time is taking care of the things that had to be taken care of, repair car, work on furnace, drive back and forth on days that I needed to get things done at "Home" or when they had appointments and it was easier on others if I drove back to get them from work to go to our week day house.

I don't have a list of things that I want to get done, I never get there..

 

Most all of the children are here at the week day house and it has been frustrating trying to get any real discussions on devotions.  

 

I should be able to start the First things first book when I get finished with my current book.  But generally I struggle to get just the have to be done the things done.  My standard work week is 50 hrs and usually it is around 55 hrs.  With one income that barely keeps us afloat. I have not found a way change things,  I know it was mentioned to turn everything over to God and trust him in all things but I don't see how to do that yet.

[JoelandKathy]

 

 

but I don't see how to do that yet.

 

That is okay, because this is a journey, and God will not short circuit the process.  We are so inclined today to think of "Power Ball" Jesus.  We pray and everything will be magically fixed.  While that is certainly within God's power, and He often will do that, sometimes we need to walk through that Valley of Death. Sometimes you can't have the passion , knowledge and heart to speak the Truth and witness to the Glory of God, until you walk out of the Valley. 

 

How you do that is "Faith".  Because intellectually, it doesn't make sense, it is irrational, and quite truthfully - totally insane by cultural standards.  But when in society has anyone made the greatest leaps in mankind.  WHen they operate outside the box,  Whether we are talking Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Van Gogh, Michealango, Descarte, Beethovan, Martin Luther, Hendrix and of course Jesus The Christ, they were people who went against the culture and in Faith - operated from the heart.  Most of us don't do that anymore, we want to stay comfortable.  We don't want to feel the rejection of redicule of others, amongst other unpleasant things that happen to us.

 

Read Hebrews 11, it defines Faith for us.  Pay special attention to what happens after verse 35. 

 

 

Nel servizio di Dio....TimothyPaul

[passion4one]

Been a while since i was here but not much has changed  life goes from one break down or repair to the next still working overtime to try to make ends meet.  We are having getting along on trying to give her lots of hugs , kisses and complements.  We try to get away for some alone times.  In the process of doing this our children feel like we have deserted them because we spend so much of our time together without them.  I have been on the mens calls some but usually feel like I can interrupt the conversations going on and I don't really have much to say.  I keep getting reminded about the video's and when are we going to do the homework.  But it seems our schedule is full all of the time with the have to do things.  I suppose my biggest effort is in getting in the word every day and our prayer times leaving for work and at night.  Too much of the time Sunday nights are very late by the time we get to our week day house for work and Fridays are spent on the trip home. I just have determined that no matter what breaks down or what problems I run into on repairs that I am not going to give up and gonna keep praising God in them knowing that He will get me thru all of it.Maybe not with miracles but I get the help that I need. " could not get the drive shaft to pop out on my car so I ask for help after getting frustrated a few times I took another try at it and it popped out" so you praise Him for helping me.  I know he is faithful to take care of our needs and I am trying to not worry about working as much overtime but it is hard to not look at the bills piling up so my hours go up and down but when i work a lot of over time I try to spend lots of time with her most of the time she is good with that because she knows we have to pay our bills.

[passion4one]

In the past it seems that i have lost her confidence in that i am wanting to get to an OHM which has been frustrating for me.  Things have been very busy for a long time with all of the issues going on with our children health wise.   We are talking more at times so she shares what she is needing to make her happy.  Things still go too long at times before I can find out the mistakes that I have made.   I don t have any explanation as to how I let things slip past me and dont see what i have said or done and I still miss opportunities to  respond when I should.   I know she is frustrated with what she calls selective memory.  Some times I think maybe I am loosing my memory because I can not give here a good reason for why I have missed opportunities or keep asking the same questions.

 

A few months back we had set up plans for dinner and a symphony to celebrate our 33rd Anniversary it all started out as a simple plan but as the day approached more things got added to the list so it ended up a very busy day with appointments and a re-scheduled hooding but we had a good day still.  Not as much alone time as we had hoped for but we got to spend the whole day together.  

[passion4one]

I had a different experience where she just gave up and was finished from all the frustration from various things going on.  I was at a loss as to what to do my attempts at trying to bring her back seemed to fail.  This had started on a thursday evening i think and finally by sunday she had started to see that she was not going to give up and quit.  I finally had to just back away and let her deal with what she was upset about.  I think she is back now but still seems pretty shaky.  It was a very busy weekend with a roofing project being done thanks to my sons that helped and a daughter.  I guess it should not surprise me that things like this would happen at the busiest times.  That is when he can get the most response from everyone.  I heard a study this week that the stress level is higher with holidays and family around than at work.  Hoping this week proves to be better than this past week.