Marriage In distress

[John Broken]

... any thoughts?

[KathyandJoel]

Hi there John, welcome, this is Kathy (quick post....I have to get up early)

 

The answer to your questions in your last post:

Is it possible?" Yes!

"Can her feelings come back?" Yes!

 

YOU CAN turn this ship around. We see it all the time. God is all about "Restoration" and "Outrageously Happy Marriages."

 

I tell guys that every contact that they have with their Bride needs to be a "Jesus" contact. How would Christ treat your Bride? 'Husbands love your Wife (Bride) the same way Christ loves his Bride (Eph 5) How ever he loves the Bride of Christ, is how you are to love your bride. Unconditionally. The way you used to "react" to something you don't like, you don't react to.

 

Show her Christ "loving" through you.

 

Have you read our books?

 

As far as her walk with Christ, read "Humble Pie's posts. Due to circumstances in their family, she had walked away from Christ, but her husband so loved her that she called me one day and said "Kathy, what do I do with my relationship with Christ?" I had the pleasure of praying with her for a recommitment. It was awesome.

 

It's a great story, a great journey to read and follow.

 

After our daughter Shekinah passed away, one of their daughters, painted (I think oiled painted) a pic of Shekinah which hangs on our wall. It is beautiful.

 

Another journey to read is "Forest Gump" This gentleman and his wife now live in the same town that we do. They moved here a year ago January. He needed accountability and she needed the beach. Good call! They got both! lol

 

Forest Gumps wife, was a VERY ANGRY wife, and rightly so. He did what we taught and BAM, they are doing awesome!

 

Both these guys walked out journeys and won in the end. If we and they can do it, so can you.

 

Your at the right place at the right time.

 

Blessings, Kathy

 

 

[Looney_Tunes]

How can we get through this rock and hard place?

 

It's simple. Love your wife, no matter how she responds. Don't worry about how she feels or what she's thinking. Stay out of her head. Just love her where she's at.

[John Broken]

Thanks Kathy,

 

I haven't read the books yet, not sure which to get first. We had a long talk last night. Says she feels a separation between us because she has feelings for the "other person." Says shes going through the same emotional torment I am with her over him. Says shes just trying to muddle through it, and all my changing and caring for her now doesn't change anything, she still has feelings for him. She doesn't know what she wants. Feels there is a reason she met him. At least maybe to witness to him if she stays with me. I said I don't know if that could work once they kissed etc. How could she stay with me and witness to someone she has feelings for? Can that work?

 

Says she knows Gods will is to restore marriage, but says she wants to come to that decision for herself, and that if she feels like she just has to stay with me because of that she will just be miserable and be in a loveless bitter marriage. Says she has so much resentment.

 

I asked does she feel like we been getting closer (its been alittle over 4 months since i've made serious changes) shes says not really, that she just cant feel her feelings for me, that they are masked or something. Says its like we are friends or something. We are doing things together every day, laughing and have very good moments. She says its sad I didn't make this change sooner, that she would have just melted for it.

 

She still has him (other guy) friended on FB but isn't talking to him. This is whats killing her. But she is trying to communicate by clicking on his page I guess and posting a pic of the group that plays "their song", stuff like that. Says it should be him who communicates back with her. Shes open with me about it all, says she needs some kind of closure with him, she cant stand how it ended. Its driving her crazy, thinks he really doesn't understand her, that she was just using him or something, or maybe she wasn't good enough etc. Says it was like he was a alien that came down and now just vanished. I can understand how she must feel. She found someone "good" found "relief" and all that, and now its just gone and all that she sees in front of her now is me, the one that has hurt her over and over.

 

Also, now all the stress of just everyday living, bills, kids etc., she says just makes the grass greener on the other side. She would just love to get out of it all. But then she says if she did go with him it would probably be the BIGGEST mistake of her life. I know I have lead us to all this. The pain she is in is because of the hell I created. Should I encourage her to speak with this guy? Try to get the "closure" she says she needs? Is that a good thing or bad? She is praying and says shes trusting God. I can tell she doesn't want to force anything or open doors God isn't opening. Says maybe all this happened to finally wake me up, but why does she have to lose again and why did God let her get close to this other person. Says shes having a hard time with why God allowed this, why couldn't He just have stopped it, why couldn't it just been some guys that didn't touch her like this. But then she will admit it was her fault, she was still legally married even though in her heart she told God she was done etc.

 

I'm am trying so hard to do right now, love her and bless her unconditionally. I know this is all about her and I keep reading and agreeing with everything here. I want to die to self. But I'm to the point of not even pressuring her about paying for my meds for sugar, blood pressure etc because money is tight and we enjoy going shopping right now, we have a good time. She feels bad about it, but is just so hard toward me and we just keep putting off getting my meds. My blood pressure is really high. I dont know what to do, and I know its not about me. I pray God sustain me and my conditions, I want to die to me for her. We are spending money we don't have, but I cant confront her, it starts fights. When we go to a store where the "other guy" works I stay out in the car. Is this wrong, bad, good? I feel so pathetic, but then feel i'm dying to my self fears. She keeps saying its like he has transfered somewhere else, that he never in there. I believe her, she takes our youngest son in with her to comfort me, he would mention it if mommy was talking to someone. Her reasoning in preferring me to stay out side is she wants me to lose some weight to be proud of me in front of him. Like she doesn't want him to think he is better than what she has (me) I know this sounds so "cliche" and what they all say, but I know she is telling me the truth. She is very honest. The bottom line is I feel she simply doesn't know what she wants and doesn't want to close that door yet without closure.

 

Sad thing is I can understand that. Why chance taking me back and closing the door to something that appeared to be so good? But how do we live this way? I pray to God to just let me rest, let me close my eyes to sleep, give me the grace to let her go if its what she needs, just ease the pain. I feel like Im going to have a hear attack, the pain in my chest wont hardly stop. I know its all my fault, that I have to eat it, I acknowledge this. What should I do? What can I do? Sorry for being so redundant, we are just going insane it feels, both hurting so much.

 

We have talked about separating to let each other breath, but we have one car, a child that just wouldn't understand, and the finances aren't enough to do it. We both feel like on one hand the Lord is keeping us together by not opening doors either way. She says lets just muddle though this one day at a time. She said the Lord gave her a word about He is near and with us through this storm, like Jesus in the boat. And the other day a man prayed for me at work, I didn't explain anything and after he finished he put his arm on my shoulder and said "you know the Lord is right here, near you through this." So we are just suffering, confused and torn sitting here. Please pray for us! Thank you all soooo much for taking the time to help people like me who made such a mess! O'h the wages of sin! What so ever a man sows that shall he reap!!!!

 

Dear God please just make the pain bearable, I accept full responsibility!!!! Bring something good out of this ugly mess!!!

 

Which book does she / we need?

[John Broken]

Thanks Looney!

 

The amazing thing is its really that simple! Just so hard! The dying! I'm just bombarded with feelings of hopelessness, discouragement, the pain and torment. I know I'm feeling everything shes felt! How devastated she must feel! Every moment im like a roller coaster, what do I say, how do I respond

[MaryJane]

Read both books. Start with the red one. Your wife, if she is so inclined, could start with the white/blue one.

 

Stand up. Be strong in the Lord.

 

Lose weight.

 

Love your wife.

 

 

[Looney_Tunes]

OK, John, take a breath. I have a whole bunch of stuff I want to say, so get comfy. Maybe grab a healthy snack.

 

As MJ said, get both books. Get them yesterday. Start with the red one. If your wife is willing, have her read the white one. Then you switch. However, do not pressure her to read it. If she says no, don't mention it again. Leave the book where she can find it if she decides later that she wants to read it.

 

You will be most successful if you use ALL of the tools this ministry has to offer - books, forum, and calls. There is a reason why the ministry is set up the way it is. If you cherry pick, you will have a much harder time. I think both books cost about $35. That's not much money these days. I'm sure you can come up with it.

 

How could she stay with me and witness to someone she has feelings for? Can that work?

 

No. The only way to make this work in the long run is for her to cut all ties with him. However, that needs to be her decision in her timing. Pressuring her to cut it off with him will have the opposite effect.

 

I asked does she feel like we been getting closer

 

Stop it! Stop asking her to make you feel better. This isn't about you.

 

Says its like we are friends or something. We are doing things together every day, laughing and have very good moments.

 

Good! That is exactly where you want to be right now. She will NEVER consider anything deeper if she doesn't feel like she can be friends with you first. When she says that, tell her you're thankful for and blessed by her friendship.

 

Should I encourage her to speak with this guy? Try to get the "closure" she says she needs?

 

NO!!! Leave her alone. Do not bring up the other guy at all. She is struggling right now, but she's a smart girl. Let her make her own decisions.

 

But I'm to the point of not even pressuring her about paying for my meds for sugar, blood pressure etc because money is tight and we enjoy going shopping right now, we have a good time. She feels bad about it, but is just so hard toward me and we just keep putting off getting my meds. My blood pressure is really high. I dont know what to do, and I know its not about me. I pray God sustain me and my conditions, I want to die to me for her.

 

I understand your feelings, but this is the wrong kind of dying. It is your obligation to take care of yourself physically so that you are able to be a good husband. Hypertension and hyperglycemia can and will kill you. Yes, Christ did physically die for the church, but His was a necessary death, planned by God. Yours would not be. Forcing her to deal with all of the ramifications of you having a stroke or heart attack would actually be the ultimate form of abuse. Get your meds. The conversation can go something like this - Honey, I realize that I am not doing either one of us any favors by not getting my meds. I would not want you to have to deal with what might happen if I go longer without taking them. It's going to cost ___ per month. Would you like to help me see how we can work that into the budget?

 

It goes without saying that you will shop around and find the best price. It also goes without saying that you should be doing everything you can to get yourself healthy - watch your diet, exercise, etc. I know that's not easy. We all struggle with it. But how far are you willing to go to save your marriage?

 

When we go to a store where the "other guy" works I stay out in the car. Is this wrong, bad, good?

 

If she has specifically asked you to stay in the car, honor her wishes. Otherwise, man up and go in with her.

 

But how do we live this way? I pray to God to just let me rest, let me close my eyes to sleep, give me the grace to let her go if its what she needs, just ease the pain. I feel like Im going to have a hear attack, the pain in my chest wont hardly stop. I know its all my fault, that I have to eat it, I acknowledge this. What should I do? What can I do? Sorry for being so redundant, we are just going insane it feels, both hurting so much.

 

All of that anxiety tells me you don't trust God as much as you say you do. Work on that. Granted, this may not work out the way you would like it to, but you can learn to be confident in Christ no matter what happens. You are not going to be able to bless your wife if you are constantly in panic mode.

 

We both feel like on one hand the Lord is keeping us together by not opening doors either way. She says lets just muddle though this one day at a time. She said the Lord gave her a word about He is near and with us through this storm, like Jesus in the boat.

 

I was right, she is a very smart girl.

 

I can't remember if we've had you start working on an apology letter yet, but I think it would be a good thing for you to do. It would give you a place to focus all of this negative energy, and it will probably be healing for her. Read this thread and then start working on it. Post your letter here and let us go over it before you give it to her. This is important - it will allow us to catch any mistakes so that you don't inadvertently do more damage.

 

When you offer your wife the book, also show her the link to the forum. We would love to have her here. We have helped many women in her situation, and we would gladly offer her support. We will not beat her up or make her feel ashamed of her choices. However, do not push it. Just tell her it's available and then let her make her own decision.

 

So . . . get the books. Get your meds. Chill out. You're gonna get through this.

[John Broken]

Thanks for the replies!

 

Looney in regards to:

 

"No. The only way to make this work in the long run is for her to cut all ties with him. However, that needs to be her decision in her timing. Pressuring her to cut it off with him will have the opposite effect."

 

Ok so do I still keep trying to 20/20/20/20 etc., with her while she is still "with him" emotionally? She tells me she still has feelings for him. That its tormenting her and why does she have to lose something good in her life now? I hold her in bed, but can feel shes just "tolerating it." etc. I actually feel like all the 20/20/20/20 is pushing her away because she is not receiving it. It feels like shes becoming numb to it the more I do it, like shes squashing out any thing that sparks feelings for me in her. Im so confused, I don't want to push her away, but then I don't want to not show her love and affection at the same time.

 

Shes trying to witness / "communicate" to him via fb with her writings on her page as she talks to her friends. She clicks on his page to let him know shes still "here" and then she keeps eye on her page to see if he is looking at her page etc. They are not talking or seeing each other, this much I know and she is honest about it. She admits she feels he was receptive to her when she would witness to him when they where "going out." She says its not fair he potentially looses out on finding the Lord because of me etc. So shes hanging on (being justified via witnessing) which I can understand. God forbid I get in the way of someone being witnessed to. She says everything happens for a reason, at least let it be I witness to him maybe. Shes trying to make sense of it I know. I am the alternative, how could I expect her to just run back to me just because I all of a sudden repented and have changed now. Is there any good threads / articles on this problem where the wife has issues letting go of the "other-guy?" She trumps everything about this ministry, at the moment, by saying "yes but did Kathy (or the other woman) have a "other-guy" issue?" "Did they care for someone else in the midst of all this?" "What happens to this other person, why does he have to get hurt for doing nothing?" She admits shes a sucker for the underdog and always wants to help rescue someone. She says she believes she could really help this person. Hes been divorced, and just couldn't understand how his wife "just" stopped loving him. Of course I know thats the feeling most abusive men have once it all crumbles, they never see it coming. But I can't tell her this, shes too defensive over him right now.

 

But then she admits she really doesn't know him, and what if he's not really what she would want, and that it might be the biggest mistake in her life and that we all try to see things the way we want (grass greener on other side) etc., etc. Shes very smart yes, and very confused, understandably so. Its just all soooooo confusing!! What a mess!! Something is going to have to give here...how can we continue like this? I feel distance growing inside me with her because shes not responding. I feel bitterness, resentment trying to grow in me towards her...but I continually tell myself, I have created this, I have created her, she is a mirror of me ... I am feeling the hell I made her feel, the isolation, the rejection, the loneliness ... its all my fault. But even though I acknowledge these things...how do I stop the distance / the drifting away that I feel growing in me towards her? It's like Im trying to love a dead person (which Im sure is exactly what she did for years) I cry in tears to God to not let me die towards her also!!! I try so hard to "act" like things are ok, and not show any "neediness" or "distance" etc...but it feels like im trying to hold back an avalanche thats growing more and more.

 

I guess it all boils down to she has to make a choice, she even said this. But for now it feels like its all working against "us" because we are here with each other hurting and becoming numb the more I try to love her. At least thats how it feels and how my mind (full of fear Im sure) sees it.

 

 

Would an apology letter even help right now? I feel like she resents anything that "points" to helping us right now. She says even when Im trying to love her and do good things for her, that its all for me with win her back. She sees everything as "in my favor" that its all for me to save what I messed up while she loses again. I feel like I can't do anything, even anything good because she simply sees it as manipulation. Is this all apart of the process? So confused.

[Looney_Tunes]

The apology letter will help YOU, even if you decide not to give it to her right now. And yes, you keep doing the 20/20/20/20 unless she specifically asks you to stop. It's OK if she's only tolerating it. That's not the point.

 

Read Tony's thread.

[John Broken]

Thanks Looney,

 

Im half way through the thread. We are having a horrible day, emotionally wise. The distance is growing between us. Its like shes starting to hate me the more she misses the "other-guy." Shes getting irritated with me, talking harsh more and more. I know this is all a reflection of me. I keep trying to take it. But the more we talk about things the more I "hear" this isn't going to work and it's sending me into serious panic, needy mode! Im literally hyperventilating, hands shaking....feel like im loosing it. Praying to God to help me, take this pain and anxiety away! But I can't maintain control it feels. I don't know what to do. Its killing her to because its sucking life out of her, she says she feels to terrible hurting me but can't do anything about it. How do I stop the crippling panicky fear??? She is all I have had for 25 years. We both have literally hardly no family left to turn to.

 

Long story short about me. Ive been in foster homes, no family to speak of, no mother or father to turn to. Got saved and turned from friends, they just wouldn't want to be apart of it. She is all I have had, I literally can't see me functioning without her. I know its sad, I've been a weak man, I have health issues that make functioning difficult. I have always provided for her as far as working etc. But she handles most everything else. What can I do? I can't imagine living without her, pretty pathetic isnt it.

[Charles from Cali]

Hi there......

Maybe I can help... I used to spaz out myself

 

Your past or your future has NOTHING to do with today or now. As soon as you realize who you are in Christ TODAY...... thats when the panic will subside... and its not a one time fix... as soon as tomorrow comes, it will be a new TODAY and NOW.... and you will have to go through the choice all over again to realize who you are in Christ.... Jesus was loving us enough to tell us... Take no thought for tomorrow, tomorrow will take care of itself.. theres enough trouble in TODAY

(Matthew 6:34)

that was the Charles version

 

I was on the floor, shaking and crying around a toilet over a year and a half ago.... hysterical...... BUT, I realized in mid yell....... Why would my wife want to be with a man losing it by a toilet... it was at that moment that I realized that I needed help and my help came from Prayer, a focused commitment to grow up....... I still cry at times... but it is nothing like before... Its a process.... FIRST you have to truly see yourself for who you are TODAY, that is your starting point......

Your wife will go through her cycle... you cant change or control what she feels or goes through... In the immortal words of Looney Tunes you have to love her where she is at.....

Your wife should NOT have the burden of feeling bad because you are hurting.... You need to take that to GOD..... When she feels that way, its because you WANT her to know youre hurting.... trust me, save yourself some time and dont argue the point..... you are looking for comfort from every other place than where you most need it from and thats God.... it sounds so easy and simplistic because it is... Jesus already payed it all and made it possible by sending the Holy Spirit... Its US who make things difficult and complex by not choosing to experience HIM one day at a time.....

 

So heres everything in a small pill......... Make the choice to not freak out, make the choice to live in today... because if you dont.. Your wife will only see a confused man that will only lead her in an emotional spiraling downward circle that will continue to push her farther away.......

IF............. you are the better choice than the other guy.. then BE that..... its a choice... and even if your wife never returns because of free will.... YOU, my man, still only have NOW...... and YES, you can live without her... I know you dont want to hear that right now.... what you cant live without is GOD..... Im not trying to be gloomy just putting things into perspective... You lived years before you met her but God knew you before you were born..........

God bless

Edited June 27, 2013 by Charles from Cali

[TimothyPaul]

Thanks Charles... I hadn't gotten to respond yet, but when I was reading John's post, I was wondering where the whole Christ thing went!!!

 

John - sounds to me like you aren't loving your wife, your codependent on her. That's going to turn her away from you, not draw her back to you.

 

and YES, you can live without her... what you cant live without is GOD.....

 

Even though you feel like garbage, you need to pull it together and show your wife, that regardless of your circumstances, you will choose to be a man of Christ. We here get it, we have been where your at. A CHristain is defined by what he does in the face of adversity. Through Faith, we know God's plan assures us of peace and love. Because we know that, we stand tall when life is falling apart, because ours isn't, and never will.

 

Shine Brightly for Christ to your wife.

 

Peace brother.....TP

[Rebuilding Trust]

Both Charles and Timothy said it all - Shine Brightly for Christ to your wife.

[John Broken]

Thanks for the encouraging replies!

 

The apology letter will help YOU, even if you decide not to give it to her right now. And yes, you keep doing the 20/20/20/20 unless she specifically asks you to stop. It's OK if she's only tolerating it. That's not the point.

 

I am going to work on an apology letter asap. But as I mentioned earlier, I can feel the distance she is putting between us growing more and more. I can see it in her eyes, she is slowly one by one killing her feelings for me. Talking less to me. Eye contact is becoming less and less. Shes becoming a stranger right before my eyes it feels.

 

Today when I came home from work, I tried to 20/20/20/20 and, which I could feel has been coming, said lets just take a break from all the hugs, kisses, etc. She said it makes her feel bad because shes not where I am at and it makes her feel guilty. She said it's like I am acting like everything is okay when its not, she has feelings for someone else. Doesn't want to have to come back to me and have to "believe" and "trust" in me with all it's fears etc., etc. Says it feels so good not to "care" if I look at another woman. Feels good to be "free" etc. Even though she says I have changed, it's to much for her to be vulnerable to me again.

 

I am torn, I know we are supposed to listen to our wives heart, and right now I hear it saying she just wants me away from her. I don't have the finances to move out. We have only one car and I have to drive for her, she can't drive. I almost feel like I'm trying to hide from her in my own house. I'm on pins and needles because I can feel her "get away from me" attitude. Makes me wish I could crawl in a hole, I don't know what to do. I've been asking God for direction, to make a way for me to get away from her if thats what she and I need. Shes spending more and more time on fb "witnessing" to this other guy via talking to her friends on her page. Shes not yet talking to him directly, but I can tell she is pursuing him through what she is saying and putting on her page etc.

 

What should I do? When I try to help or do nice things she resents it. Says why are you doing this? It's not going to change how I feel, what if your doing all this in vein? None of these things will make me love you more etc. etc. I feel like she hates my goodness because it doesn't allow her to "push" me away for good reason. Instead makes her feel guilty. Then I feel bad for making her feel guilty!!!!! What in the world can I do??? If I do good it makes her feel bad, if I do bad then she will feel bad.

 

I mean, the more I shine like Jesus, the guiltier she feels, thus feels worse. What kind of mess is this? I literally don't know how to treat her now.

 

 

Thanks Charles... I hadn't gotten to respond yet, but when I was reading John's post, I was wondering where the whole Christ thing went!!!

 

John - sounds to me like you aren't loving your wife, your codependent on her. That's going to turn her away from you, not draw her back to you.

 

 

I know, I just get sucked into these panic modes cant get out of it. I have to shake my head, and pray God help me! And I can testify He has been calming me lately more than I have known before. I'm not used to leaning on Him like this, I've always had weak faith I feel. Like I believe He is able, He is there, but never really leaned into Him to experienced His peace. This is new. One fruit I see out of all this already.

 

Yes, I believe I have been very codependent on her. She is my first love, over 25 years. I have never lost a love. Have never had parents, father or mother. (well mother for a few years before foster homes) She unfortunantly has became for me inadvertently my wife, lover and mother all in one I would say. Embarrassing, but I believe thats what has happened.

[John Broken]

Can someone explain what is happening? It feels like it's getting worse. But when it all came to a head, she told me she kissed this other guy, they been seeing / talking to each other at the grocery store I drive her to. I panicked and changed and repented before God, I never seen it coming, as usual. She stopped talking to him because he wanted her to divorce me etc. so they could get serious. She obviously didn't so he said lets just be friends. So it just all stopped. In the mean time me and her started getting along better because of my changes. She enjoyed my attention, 20/20/20/20's and time together. This went on for a few months. But more and more her feelings for the other guy became an issue, along with her fears of trusting me again.

 

So now it's like its all going backwards again. She's becoming more distant with me, getting irritated with me being nice because it makes her feel guilty because she still has feelings for the other guy. Shes pursuing him covertly on FB via her pics and messages to friends I can tell.

 

She says its weird because she enjoyed me and her at first when I changed but now it's like not growing with us, like she's dead to me. I said (which I now know I probably should not have) that its because she has not made the choice to restore our marriage and let him go. And that is why her feelings for him still linger, and that God would honor our marriage if we both commit to it again 100%. Then she would explain her fears, and why does she have to lose again something good etc. etc. WHich I understand.

 

So is this normal? Is She still processing? Is there any hope for us? SO confused

[Looney_Tunes]

She is scared. The grass still looks greener on the other side of the fence, and she is afraid that once you get her back, you'll revert back to the same old John. She has no reason to believe otherwise. If you're honest, you'll probably have to admit that it's happened before.

 

Please stop trying to get in her head! Stop pressuring her to make a choice. If you keep it up, I guarantee she will make the one you don't want her to make. Do the right thing no matter how she responds!

 

Have you ordered the books yet? Gotten your meds? Started doing something to get healthier?

[John Broken]

Thanks Looney,

 

We just had a long talk. But before I mention anything, the Lord told me a couple days ago for me not to speak the word divorce. We have thrown the word around at times.

 

But anyway this is really a mess. This time she really believes God is in it, (which I must accept if that is the case.) She just told me she loves this other guy, you know like they do in the movies! That she has been trying the last few months with me but her feelings just got stronger for him and are dead for me. Said God told her He could bless "them" if she didn't commit adultery with him back when they "dated." She said shes been praying and feels the Holy Spirit in her heart about them two being together. She been witnessing to him. She will not marry a non-believer. The last few days I have really felt her "distance" from me, like she looks right through me.

 

If you remember, I wrote how God asked me if I loved her enough to give her back to Him, like Abraham and Isaac. If I loved her enough to let her fly away and be free and happy etc. He kept asking me that one morning, and I couldn't (didn't want to) answer that question. But I eventually broke down in tears and confessed, shouting "yes I do!! If she can never be happy with me again, I would let her go! I caused her to suffer for years! She deserves to be happy now! That can at least be my one act of truly loving her!"

 

But with that, I still had the hope of Abraham, that God could give her back to me from the dead! I know I have slain her emotionally now that I have come to understand and learn everything here. Not physically, but just emotionally, spiritually with neglect, harsh words and attitudes (of course we all have excuses, but thats all they are) and not being there for her when she needed me.

 

Neither of us mentioned the word divorce, but she is talking now how that God can bless me with someone else, how she would move in with him and all this. I really feel it's over. Her heart is set on him. I see no hope now. I'm crippled with anxiety and fear right now. I know I deserve and have earned this pain. I'm trying very hard to press in on the Lord, this is all new to me, really pressing in to the Lord.

 

 

But practically speaking now as I look ahead I'm terrified. Like I said she is literally all I have. I was very co-dependent on her I see now. I have no family, came from foster homes, all my friends are of years past and trouble, I've been very immature while she handled all the finances, bills etc., etc. I do have one foster family locally who are the ones who lead me to the Lord, a very genuine Godly family, but it's been almost 20 years since I been around them. They have helped me here and there a couple times. A God send family for sure. But I just feel to guilty and embarrassed to turn to them.

 

I did work hard faithfully, thats about it. My mother has mental issues, and I suffer slightly with that as far as mental thinking, memory etc..very hard for me to concentrate, comprehend and process information given that and also having sugar, hypertension and sleep apnea..all these things make caring for myself difficult. Dave Ramsey always talked about spouses, ones always the free-spirited while the other is the one handling all the bills etc. I've been the immature one, shes been mommy, sad I know, buts its the truth and I need help with this.

 

 

We are getting ready to get some money, around 30k, but we are in financial dept twice that, have only one car, hardly any equity in the house and no one to turn to I feel. I don't have a clue where to begin if we separate.

 

Any ideas given my situation?

 

 

P.S. I feel so pathetic right now disclosing all this about myself, but it's the truth and I am panicking and desperate, I can't hide it.

Edited July 1, 2013 by John Broken

[John Broken]

I'm crashing I guess. The only way the panic and pain seems to stop right now is if I convince myself "it's over, just move on, think of a new life, with someone new etc" It's like a child getting mad and saying "hey I don't care anyway!!!!"

 

It feels better to give up hope, the pain stops. So do I still press on in faith believing??? Hoping?? I've always had a bad habit of not hoping or praying for things, that way I never get disappointed! Oh Lord what a mess

[TimothyPaul]

I don't have a clue where to begin if we separate.

 

Really????

 

How about at the Cross.

[Looney_Tunes]

First of all, no feeling pathetic. Many people here have disclosed far worse. This is a safe place, and we can't give you real help if we only know part of the story.

 

There is no room for anxiety and fear if you are really pressing in to Christ. Press harder.

 

Your wife's boyfriend will eventually show his true colors. Right now you need to be a supportive friend so that when it all comes crashing down, she'll feel like she can turn to you. Yes, there is still hope, but not if you continue to operate in panic mode.

 

Have you ever been evaluated for your difficulty in concentration and processing? It could be a matter of brain chemistry, which might be helped by medication. In addition, you need to start forming habits that will help you function. If you have trouble remembering things, keep a notebook with you and write everything down. Put all of your appointments, due dates, etc. on a calendar. Learn how to manage your own life instead of expecting someone else to do it for you.

[John Broken]

TP, thank you so much for your replies,

 

But it's very hard for me right now as I'm sure you know, but can you put some flesh on that comment for me?

How about at the Cross.

 

I understand what you mean, and I love reading your posts....but in practical terms, the nuts and bolts of day to day getting by...how does the cross help me? Please don't take that the wrong way, the cross is everything to me spiritually....but all I can see right now is the nuts and bolts in the physical world....the cross doesn't physically move them for me. Please understand how I am asking this...I need to see physical help with the physical pieces...you know, a house, the bills etc.

[John Broken]

Looney, I will reply later, she wants to go get something to eat. Please pray for me, I can feel that "give up spirit" in me trying to develop so I can not feel my pain. It makes me look at her different, like I try to think of all the negative about her to easy my pain if that makes any sense. I plead and pray to God all the time "dear God please don't let my heart turn against her, I don't want to not love her, I don't want to feel the love dying in my heart for her!!!!!!!!!!!!" Please God, You who call things that are not as though they are!!!

[TimothyPaul]

I was thinking when I typed that... should I explain, or have him think about it a bit. Being that my cup was running low on tea and a refill was required, I opted for the

"thinking" option.

 

The "nuts and bolts" always start at the Cross. All manifestations of our beings, both emotional and physical, begin with the Spiritual.

 

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.

He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.

Psalms 40:1-3 NLT

 

You will not be able to operate well in the physical, if you are out of sorts with the spiritual. One needs to think of Paul when in Rome and his writings to Ephesus. We have to put into our minds, what that situation would have looked like for Paul. Most likely he was enchained in some type of dungeon. Both legs shackled with a good chance of being beaten and tortured. This was first century AD in a very tumultuous barbaric world.

 

Paul points out to the Ephesians that in the present, there is great conflict because our battle is with the forces of evil (6:12) but because we are members of the Body of Christ we already have the power to withstand.

 

Isn't that similar to what you are going through. Satan is forcing you down a path of harmful negative thoughts. So much that it is impairing your ability to function physically because of the anxiety. He is bring you back to your old self, your reference to your mother, and casts doubts to your abilities through Christ, to lift yourself out of despair into the arms of the God who loves you. Satan does not want you to behave as a Christlike man, he does not want you to restore your marriage so he is using every avenue against you for his purpose.

 

Yet Paul, on the other hand, tells us for God's eternal plan is being worked through the Body of Christ, his Church. When a man believes, he finds strength through his salvation. He finds safety in putting on the Armor of God. God has given the believer everything he needs and every tool. But it is up to the believer to avail himself to these resources at His command. Paul closes his letters to Ephesus by describing the provisions God has made for us so the believer may withstand the worst of Satan's attacks and when the battle is over, the believer will be victorious.

 

And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels. Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You'll need them throughout your life. God's Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.

(Eph 6:10-18)

 

 

So you see John. You can performs God's will when you stand at the foot of the Cross and surrender. With the surrender, you get a sense of Peace, that only He can give through His grace. It will not matter what your wife does, it will not matter what the boyfriend does. The only thing that will matter is what you do as an ambassador of CHrist.

 

This is what your wife needs to see - this is who your wife wants to love.

 

Nel servizio di Dio...TimothyPaul

[Looney_Tunes]

You are trying to hold God accountable for things that are not His responsibility. Dear God please don't let my heart turn against her, - seriously? Only YOU can turn your heart against her. God certainly wouldn't do that, but neither will He reach down from His throne and force you to do the right thing. We all have free will.

 

I don't want to not love her, I don't want to feel the love dying in my heart for her!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

Then don't. Love is a choice. If it dies, it's because you have chosen to let it.

[Rebuilding Trust]

I love Timothy's explanation. The things you shared are things that GOD would have you work on, with or without your wife. Take this opportunity to get your life in order, to become the man the God has called you to be.

 

This is what your wife needs to see - this is who your wife wants to love.