Marriage In distress

[John Broken]

Looney:

 

Have you ever been evaluated for your difficulty in concentration and processing? It could be a matter of brain chemistry, which might be helped by medication.

 

Well, I've always been haunted by the knowledge and (the enemies voice) of my mothers mental illness and how it could potentially affect me. So, I've probably tried to deny it and walk by faith that it wont or isn't affecting me. I've tried to trust the Lord in this matter. Maybe now with the other health issues I might look into it with an evaluation. I know the Lord uses Dr's etc., but I just never liked the idea of drugs to help me etc., I guess that just an old school mind set these days, I don't know.

 

 

 

TP:

 

So you see John. You can performs God's will when you stand at the foot of the Cross and surrender. With the surrender, you get a sense of Peace, that only He can give through His grace. It will not matter what your wife does, it will not matter what the boyfriend does. The only thing that will matter is what you do as an ambassador of CHrist.

 

This is what your wife needs to see - this is who your wife wants to love.

 

I am trying to get to that point of complete surrender. I remember when I first got saved (years ago) how I received the power of the Holy Spirit in an instant! The shackles of fear, doubt and the power of sin was broke immediately! But through the years, through the trials, the temptations and the backslidings it now seems like I don't have that same power immediately. I know I have repented this time again, and I can feel the Lord's Spirit but it's not in full strength or duration now like it used to be. It's feels like I have to scratch and claw more and more to reach Him and stay close to Him now, like the fear and anxiety and doubts have not been completely broken. I know the Lord says when He comes in a mans heart He "cleans house" but the evil spirits go out and bring back more etc. So I am sure this is part of my difficulty now due to my backslidings.

 

I have moments when I can feel I am in the presence of His peace and it doesn't matter what she or the other guy does and I act and react thusly and it feels good and I know is attractive to her, I can sense it. But then next thing I know is I catch myself without noticing when or how it happened in that needy, scared, panic mode. I guess I just keep shaking myself out of it and pray God help me? Can you spell it out for me? How should I pray, what do I ask for, how do I draw closer to Him, how to I stay in His presence? I find myself simply moaning and groaning like Paul mentions trusting God hears my heart and spirit, I don't know how to pray the right words it feels.

 

 

Looney:

 

You are trying to hold God accountable for things that are not His responsibility. Dear God please don't let my heart turn against her, - seriously? Only YOU can turn your heart against her. God certainly wouldn't do that, but neither will He reach down from His throne and force you to do the right thing. We all have free will.

 

Yea I know, its just more of rhetorical statement I guess, "Dear God don't let me do this or that." Ultimately I know we choose, it's just scary feeling things trying to rise up in our hearts and mind.

 

 

Then don't. Love is a choice. If it dies, it's because you have chosen to let it.

 

I've tried to think about love being a choice because currently my wife keeps saying she has feelings for him, and because they wont go away she must love him etc. I have tried to respond (once until you said not to) by saying that love is a choice etc., and if she would choose to honor our marriage and be committed to it 100% God would help restore us and open your heart towards me and the feelings for the other person could go away as we healed. What do you think? Is this right? Or is love a feeling? I did mention once that the Word doesn't mention love being a feeling, but rather how He loved us while we were yet sinners and his enemies, He chose to love us. But I don't mention this to her now after you mentioned not trying to convince her or argue my side etc. I guess only God can speak to her right? It's just so hard to not point out what I see. She has not sought Godly advice from both sides I feel, but has turned to two friends with marriages that didn't work out. So she hearing everything they felt right before divorcing and relating to it. Shes not hearing from Godly woman who had faith and heard words of restoration and healing and have been where she is and have saved their marriage.

 

I know I can't make her listen to or seek restorative advice but I just wish she could hear both sides instead of the counsel of those whose marriage did not make it. Really frustrating. But ultimately, she wouldn't even be in this situation that I am frustrated about if I had done my job!

 

 

Thanks RT, I hope everything is still going good with you and yours. I am amazed at your story, your persistence.

[John Broken]

Something I don't think I have mentioned so far about our relationship. We do not have relations anymore. It's been this way for months. Says she doesn't want to with me while she still has feelings for someone else, that wouldn't be fair to me etc. I agree. Says when she thinks about us doing it, she feels like shes doing him wrong or something and doesn't want it to be that way.

 

So my question is, obviously I have physical needs, how does self gratification factor into all this? Is it a sin? I have been trying to abstain because I really don't know the answer. She is my wife and it would only be about her. Am I to abstain for years or no? Paul mentions how we should come together eventually so we don't "burn." Obviously I am "burning" after several months, this temps me in many ways. How should I deal with this??

[Looney_Tunes]

I know the Lord uses Dr's etc., but I just never liked the idea of drugs to help me etc., I guess that just an old school mind set these days, I don't know.

 

Yeah, it is. We know a LOT more about brain chemistry now than we did even 5 years ago. I firmly believe that God heals, and I firmly believe in taking the smallest dose of medication for the shortest amount of time. But if there is a med that will help you balance out your brain chemistry enough to enable you to do this, I think it's at least worth checking into. If a doctor thinks it's appropriate, you can give it a trial - at least a month, because it usually takes 2-3 weeks to reach full effect - and then go off it if it doesn't seem to help.

 

But then next thing I know is I catch myself without noticing when or how it happened in that needy, scared, panic mode.

 

You need to figure this out. It doesn't just happen.

 

I have an exercise for you. Think about a recent incident with your wife where that panicky feeling "suddenly" popped up. On the left side of the paper, write the beginning action - wife and I were talking about __.At the bottom right, write the end result - panic. Then I want you to replay the conversation in your mind as accurately as you can. At what point did you start to feel uncomfortable? Write that down as specifically as you can - when she said __, I felt __. How did you react? Write that down. Keep going down towards the bottom right until you have recorded your journey from OK to panic.

 

What you will have done is found a way to recognize what happens before the panic happens. As you keep doing this, you'll be able to tease out smaller steps in the chain of events, and I'll bet you'll soon see that most of these incidents follow a similar pattern. Every time you do this, figure out where you can break the chain. What could you do when you first start feeling uncomfortable? Where is the place where it becomes a total train wreck? Plan to do something different next time - and you will have to plan, because if you don't, you'll fall into the same old patterns.

 

Remember that this needs to be done after the fact. You can't do it in a crisis. You also can't take forever to go through this, getting stuck in your head and suffering paralysis by analysis. This is about looking at a problem long enough to solve it without retreating into your brain and staying there for six weeks.

 

The whole thing here is that God will not just take our feelings away. He expects us to learn how to control them, and to do the right thing no matter how we feel. If He simply removed the unpleasant feelings, we wouldn't learn that. He also will not change us. He gives us His word and the ability to change, and puts people and situations in place to help us. The actual changing is up to us.

 

As for the sex thing, I will tell you that you cannot self gratify. That causes you to bond with yourself, which is the last thing you need. Otherwise, I'll leave that one to Tim.

[John Broken]

Thanks Looney,

 

I like that idea of writing it down. I am starting to learn what words, conversations, actions, and looks (looks of trying to see if she still loves me etc) because she will say "don't look at me that way" etc., etc., to avoid which throw me into the panic fear gloomy mode. But the problem I am having is when I look ahead to the future, if we separate, when I start to process all the things that will change, all the things I will have to do and face, our children, all the things "we" will never do again, say again, feel again, on and on......I mean that is a reality that is staring me in the face and it's hard to not think and dwell on it.

 

If I start to think about the future with someone else then it gives me hope and eases the pain but then I feel like I am giving up on "us" which leads to all the pain and despair. I don't know how to position my attitude, whether to look ahead with new hope with someone else or hang on in faith for "us" as I watch / interpret all the signs of "us" not making it which leads to the pain.

 

I don't know, think I am going crazy lol, sorry if it's getting to confusing, just wish I could at least see some hope around me like family, friends or something. So hard when you might be losing all you've ever had.

 

 

Can you explain the "bonding with self" issue? Somehow I think I see what your saying in that it makes you more self centered or something? Keeps you in the flesh rather than in the spirit? Something like that?

Edited July 2, 2013 by John Broken

[Looney_Tunes]

Read this. It explains it very well.

 

The reason you feel better when you think about being with someone else is that you are firmly stuck in mother-son. You don't want a wife, you want another mommy. You want someone else who will take care of you because the idea of growing up and taking care of yourself is just too scary.

 

So how 'bout looking forward to being a Christlike man who can give to his wife instead of just taking from her?

[John Broken]

Thanks Looney for the truth, it hurts, but I've heard the truth hurts to let you know when you don't have it.

 

You are exactly right, it's very scary thinking of being alone with no support to help. I mean it looks like the worst case scenario; one extreme to the other, a codependent person for 25 years who has no family or people to turn to when he loses mommy.

 

God forgive me but I have often asked the Lord why was I placed here without family and torn from home after home after getting close to them, which just repeatedly tore out my heart, sealed me up emotionally inside and consequently kept me from loving anyone close to me the right way, such as my wife and children. I know I haven't loved them the right way. Wife always said it always seemed like she couldn't get as close to me as she wanted, like there was always something between us. I think she suffered from the damage done to me emotionally, she got the left overs from my past going from home to home.

 

But enough with excuses, we all have things we can blame I'm sure. Maybe had I stayed the course after I first got saved rather than backsliding (which is choice) I would have learned to love the right way. Maybe God made way for me to overcome the hand dealt to me, and I threw it away. So ultimately the blame lay with me. If only we understood the consequences of sin when we are choosing them. If only we could see it's end and not be deceived when there appears to be no consequence at first.

 

I love that article about self gratification. That's what I needed to hear. Through crucifying my flesh I can feel the Lords Spirit more. I can sense this is how I can make it, through Him. I have really been praying about this issue, and He has repeatedly let the rooster "crow" every time I have seriously considered doing it being tempted. The phone would ring, a loud noise here or there, over and over, He has spoken to me about it and now confirmed it, thank you so much!

[Looney_Tunes]

Maybe all your maybes are correct, but they don't matter. Your past only controls your present if you let it.

 

The cool thing about God is that He always gives us a new day . . . well, until he doesn't LOL. But you get my point. Just move forward.

[John Broken]

Okay, she has now mentioned she wants to file. Said shes loves the other guy, said when they met she knew she would be with him. Says she feels the Holy Spirit burning in her heart when she prays about them two being together. But then she says she knows shes probably being selfish, that she knows she should probably stick it out with us because thats what God would prefer etc, but she says she just asks God to have mercy on her this time, shes always been the one to get hurt (she mentions all past relationships) why does she have to lose again etc. I totally understand how she feels and it makes me feel like I shouldn't desire her to stay with me, makes me feel like I don't deserve her. I know it sounds like the same old story, but I have truly repented and love her and cry all the time when I think if the isolation I am feeling, the coldness I am feeling, knowing this is how I made her feel!!! I beg God to forgive me!!!! I didn't understand how I was making her feel, though I know it was my sin and fault.

 

How do I respond? I hear voices saying I should be fighting for her, not being passive and letter her just float away, but speaking my mind about it all, trying to convince her not to throw everything way, please snap out of it etc., etc. But then I think what right do I have this is where I have led her!!!

 

So how do I respond now? Do I just bow out, let her go passively, not speaking my peace about anything, but encourage her to go and be happy etc? Do I start talking about moving out? Do I start talking about how we are going to do all this etc? etc?

 

The Lord told me not to speak the word divorce a few days ago. Should I take that as not "talking" the way she is talking? Like not accepting it as in talking the same way she is about the d-vorce? Not sure im making sense but I think I mean like when you told me NOT to mention the "other guy" AT ALL because that only reinforces his existence. Is this what the Lord is telling me by not speaking d-vorce? I simply don't know what to do right now! Please help!! God forgive me!

Edited July 4, 2013 by John Broken

[John Broken]

trying to convince her not to throw everything way, please snap out of it etc., etc

 

Like shes out of her mind or something... how dare me, God forgive me! Shes where she is at because of me!

 

Please forgive me Looney, I am really out of sorts seeing the devastation I have done to her!!!! Can God forgive me????? Can He really? I mean I have destroyed her!!! I read what you wrote in the other thread on self gratification about what a woman feels after adultery etc!! And now when I look back I can see all the times she cried, would ask if I missed her today, if I loved her on and on. I had no clue what I was putting her through being so harsh, selfish and not paying attention to her etc!!!!!!! Why did God put me with her I ask? For 20 years of me being an immature weak man for her!!!!

 

Shes reaching out to "other" like a life preserve! I feel like shes running from me like a monster and I can't blame her.

[Rebuilding Trust]

You right, she is running and you can't blame her.

 

You job from this moment on is to become a Christlike man regardless of what she does or does not do. If she files for divorce, that does not change what you have to do. I CAN NOT promise you that you will win her back, but it can happen even after divorce, we have seen it happen here.

 

The reason your job from this moment on is to become Christlike is so that you can stop being "that immature weak man"!

 

As I said above, I CAN NOT promise you that you will win her back, but I can promise you that if you walk this out for the three years we recommend, that at the end of that three years, you will no longer be "that immature weak man"!

 

Let God and his Holy Spirit work on your wife while you let Them simultaneously work on you. Your wife is very very hurt. She just wants to be loved and adored as you described above. As you walk this out, you will become the man she needs you to be. If an when the other guys falters, and he will as we all do, she needs to be able to look up and see you standing strong in Christ........

[Looney_Tunes]

You can tell her I do not want a divorce, but I understand why you would feel the need to do that. If you choose to file, I will not fight you.

 

And then, as RT said, you become Christlike no matter what.

[ponyboy3399]

So my question is, obviously I have physical needs, how does self gratification factor into all this? Is it a sin?

 

I'll tell you right now you have to hold your thoughts captive in this arena. My feeling is that right now you can't use the excuse your thinking of your wife. I believe all you do in that situation is objection your wife. I think there are far worse consequences as well. But I mean whenever that thought hits you seriously can't even entertain it for a second or it has you. Don't tell yourself your a man with needs and its normal and OK. Trust me you may not believe it but it can be done. Just takes discipline. Eventualy it will be the least of your worries.

Edited July 5, 2013 by ponyboy3399

[John Broken]

Thanks again for the helpful replies!

 

I can feel my motives gradually shifting. I was completely doing everything (though kidding myself I wasn't ) "to win her back" (selfish) to "this is between me and God, and I have to do this because this is the man God created me to be from the beginning."

 

By willfully sinning and reaping it's wages, I have chosen the more painful way to reach Gods purpose in my life. Dear God why wont we listen while God is patient and extending mercy after mercy after mercy upon us!!!??? He gave me my own personal angel who for 20-25 years refused to not love me where I was at, denied herself of her own life, made excuses for me, "oh he works long hours", "his health aggravates him," "he needs time alone to unwind," on and on I could go. What an amazing woman I have taken for granted!!!!! A gift from the hand of God thrown in the mud as if nothing!!! I can look back and remember my conscience speaking and accusing me...but no, I would have none of it. Now it looks I will eat it all, every bit of it. Before I never really understood the fear of God. I was deceived. Now I do "God is not mocked, whatsoever a man sows that SHALL he reap."

 

Couple questions: how do I answer her when she says "why are you doing all these good things for me", what if they are all just in vein?, I don't trust any of it, it's not going to make me love you any more etc." I told her, "I just want to bless you from now on no matter what happens. It's the least I can do. You loved me where I was at for years, I see that now, now I want to do the same." "I've repented, please just let me be good to you."

 

Also how do you deal with "impossible" situations? For example, there where some papers and things on our bed and our son wanted to sleep on the bed, so I go and move them all off so he could. Then she says "why did you move those with out asking me, I wanted to put them up? She was upset about it. But the problem is, many times if I would ask her something like that she would just say, "why do you have to ask me? Just move them somewhere." And I almost guarantee if I would have asked her that today I would have gotten the "just move them" answer.

[John Broken]

I feel like she wants me to move out or leave, like she doesn't want to be around me. Everything I do irritates her, good or bad. She isn't saying leave, but I can feel it. I feel like she is trying to make me not like her so I'll just leave on my own. Or is this simply my interpretation and fears of the coldness and distance I am feeling from her? All I made her feel?

 

My question is, do I initiate this conversation? I feel like I shouldn't even get it started since I feel the Lord told me to not mention divorce etc.

[Looney_Tunes]

how do I answer her when she says "why are you doing all these good things for me", what if they are all just in vein?, I don't trust any of it, it's not going to make me love you any more etc." I told her, "I just want to bless you from now on no matter what happens. It's the least I can do. You loved me where I was at for years, I see that now, now I want to do the same." "I've repented, please just let me be good to you."

 

That's it. You might add that you are not expecting anything in return.

 

Then she says "why did you move those with out asking me, I wanted to put them up? She was upset about it. But the problem is, many times if I would ask her something like that she would just say, "why do you have to ask me? Just move them somewhere."

 

You say Sweetie, I'm gonna put your papers on the desk, unless you'd like them somewhere else? Then you have initiated, yet still given her a choice. The problem with your "impossible" situation is that if you don't do anything, she feels like your mommy. If you just do it, you have once again left her no control. There is a middle ground.

 

My question is, do I initiate this conversation?

 

No. You keep doing things to bless her no matter how she is or isn't acting. Wait for her to ask you to leave, but if she does, don't fight it. If you really feel it's inevitable, you might want to quietly (without telling her) explore your options so that you can leave as soon as she asks rather than scrambling around trying to find somewhere to go. But let me stress it one more time - do not leave unless she asks you to. That will feel like abandonment to her.

[MaryJane]

I feel like she wants me to move out or leave, like she doesn't want to be around me. Everything I do irritates her, good or bad. She isn't saying leave, but I can feel it. I feel like she is trying to make me not like her so I'll just leave on my own. Or is this simply my interpretation and fears of the coldness and distance I am feeling from her? All I made her feel?

I believe your wife is FEELING confused. That's why she gets irritable.

If you love her with the love of Christ through all of her "irritable" moments, and keep on showing her this love -- consistently -- you will grow in The Lord and your wife will notice.

[John Broken]

Thanks pony,

 

I believe all you do in that situation is objection your wife.

 

Can you please explain what this mean? Objection my wife? Do you mean like I am worshiping her (her image) as an idol so to speak? That it somehow dishonors?

[ponyboy3399]

Sorry objectify is what I meant. Your wife is more than a sexual object.

[John Broken]

Looney,

 

You say Sweetie, I'm gonna put your papers on the desk, unless you'd like them somewhere else? Then you have initiated, yet still given her a choice. The problem with your "impossible" situation is that if you don't do anything, she feels like your mommy. If you just do it, you have once again left her no control. There is a middle ground.

 

I like that, thanks

 

 

If you really feel it's inevitable, you might want to quietly (without telling her) explore your options so that you can leave as soon as she asks rather than scrambling around trying to find somewhere to go.

 

 

I'm kind of confused here because everyday I am thanking the Lord already for saving this marriage. As you have suggested, I have thought about doing that but then think, how can I have faith in Him salvaging this marriage and at the same time preparing for if He doesn't.

 

 

MJ,

 

 

If you love her with the love of Christ through all of her "irritable" moments, and keep on showing her this love -- consistently -- you will grow in The Lord and your wife will notice.

 

I'm trying to trust this ultimately. But it scares me because she has said "I don't think I like this new person you are being, just doing everything for me etc., etc.,"

 

I feel it makes me look weak and she is losing respect for me. I know this is my pride feeling this way, but then I know she is kind of hardened right now and this is how it would look to someone like that. She will say things like "I know I should be so thankful and happy now that you have changed" but I just don't right now.

 

Today at our church function she said she felt jealousy over me with another woman who was around me. She said she doesn't want to go back to feeling that or the pressure of having to "heal" of that, just wants to not go back to it. I really don't know what to say other than "I can understand why you feel that way, you don't have to worry about that and in time God can heal those fears the more I show you (not just say) how much I love you, the more I make feel special etc"

 

I have ordered both books and I think she might read them, not sure. She said it's sad because I'll read them and now be a better husband for someone else probably and she'll get stuck and lose out probably. She is really so confused it kills me. I know she knows what she "ought" to do, but she is fighting the Lord on this and is trying so hard to harden herself and determine to do what she wants this time. Thats exactly how she has said it.

 

I feel so bad for her because I know she is tormented both ways. Tormented by the fears of "coming" back. And tormented with the guilt of not really wanting Gods will of saving our marriage. Its killing her and thats killing me. God forgive me for putting her in such a horrible place!!!

 

 

 

pony,

 

Sorry objectify is what I meant. Your wife is more than a sexual object.

 

Okay thanks, looking at it that way gives me even more strength to avoid it. Though still very very hard to deal with.

[4evrHZdtr3]

 

I'm kind of confused here because everyday I am thanking the Lord already for saving this marriage. As you have suggested, I have thought about doing that but then think, how can I have faith in Him salvaging this marriage and at the same time preparing for if He doesn't.

 

Two people can live in separate places and the marriage can still heal.

 

I'm trying to trust this ultimately. But it scares me because she has said "I don't think I like this new person you are being, just doing everything for me etc., etc.,"

 

She's being honest. If I were her I would probably be feeling the same... she knows that once upon a time you were this nice guy and that she gave you her heart only to have it crushed, She doesn't want that again.. You see, when this happens to a woman and she finally loses faith in the marriage, she also loses her trust in God. You were supposed to be a representation of God to her. so of course she feels this way and is confused.

 

I feel it makes me look weak and she is losing respect for me. She lost respect for you a long time ago. I know this is my pride feeling this way, Good call...

 

but then I know she is kind of hardened right now Be really careful with this conclusion. You don't know that she is hardened. Think of it as self-preservation.

 

and this is how it would look to someone like that. She will say things like "I know I should be so thankful and happy now that you have changed" but I just don't right now. And your ONLY response to a statement like that is: I know and that's understandable and OK

 

Today at our church function she said she felt jealousy over me with another woman who was around me. She said she doesn't want to go back to feeling that or the pressure of having to "heal" of that, just wants to not go back to it. I really don't know what to say other than "I can understand why you feel that way, you don't have to worry about that and in time God can heal those fears the more I show you (not just say) how much I love you, the more I make feel special etc" All the things I crossed out are explanations about you that put a burden of response on her and add to her confusion. DON'T say things like this. ONLY validate her feelings. She is smart enough to figure it all out.

 

I know she knows what she "ought" to do, but she is fighting the Lord on this and is trying so hard to harden herself and determine to do what she wants this time. Thats exactly how she has said it. She doesn't trust you or God, as I said above. Of course she feels she has to do what she wants. When she thought she was doing what God wanted, look what happened! Every time she made excuses for you she thought she was being loving and doing what God wanted. And how did He repay her for her sacrifices and love and patience?

[TimothyPaul]

JB - you are missing the point. I want to add somethings to 4Ever's thoughts. SHe is absolutely correct and what you now must realize is you are being the responder. You can not modify your actions or behaviors based on what your wife is doing. The Word tells us to seek God first and everything else will fall into place. Matthew 6:33

 

There are many more things going on inside your wife's heart right now. Anger, resentment, hurt, rejections and a myriad of other emotions. You can and will through the love of Jesus Christ bring healing to your wife if you stand on the Word of God. Always without question and doubt.

 

TP

[TimothyPaul]

oh and by the way...

 

as to the self gratification issue, please read this handout.

 

http://ephesians525.org/temptation.php

[John Broken]

4evr,

 

You see, when this happens to a woman and she finally loses faith in the marriage, she also loses her trust in God.

 

We've talked about this and she says shes just trusting Him for something else now in stead of the marriage. Says God let her go through this for 20 some years and what if He allows that again etc.

 

 

Be really careful with this conclusion. You don't know that she is hardened. Think of it as self-preservation.

 

That's scary thinking it might not be a choice for her right now, but that she simply is unable to bring herself to comeback. Is that possible? Can God renew her strength and faith in us again? Wouldn't it be a step of faith for her to try again? Are some steps of faith just too much?

 

 

 

And how did He repay her for her sacrifices and love and patience?

 

How do we answer this question? I continually ask why did He put me with her if He knew it would get like this?

 

 

 

TP,

 

 

 

JB - you are missing the point. I want to add somethings to 4Ever's thoughts. SHe is absolutely correct and what you now must realize is you are being the responder. You can not modify your actions or behaviors based on what your wife is doing. The Word tells us to seek God first and everything else will fall into place. Matthew 6:33

 

 

Okay I think I am learning this slowly, more and more in not being the responder and simply making the goal God and His righteousness. Its difficult because of my old thinking and behavior patterns, grrrr.

 

But as far as just in our conversations, I have to respond in that sense. Like this morning we where talking light heartedly smiling etc., and we flipped across the "divorce court" channel and she said "hey we don't need that channel," then said "hey you wouldn't fight me like they do on there would ya? We would both take half right you wouldn't fight me would ya?" She was saying it as we where laughing playing around with each other. But I had to say something here right? So I just tried to blow it off like, "pshh, come on now, lets don't even talk like this, isn't even funny." Then we changed subjects.

 

How should I have responder there? Should I have taken her question seriously and thought it all out and talk about it?

 

 

Thanks for eph 5:25 link!

[Looney_Tunes]

I continually ask why did He put me with her if He knew it would get like this?

 

Oh bull. You are not a puppet. God arranged the meeting, but you chose to marry, and you chose to behave in ways that trashed your wife's heart. I'm quite certain that this was not what He had in mind when you two met.

 

That's scary thinking it might not be a choice for her right now, but that she simply is unable to bring herself to comeback. Is that possible? Can God renew her strength and faith in us again? Wouldn't it be a step of faith for her to try again? Are some steps of faith just too much?

 

Would you please get out of her head? You have enough to do in controlling your thoughts and behavior. Leave hers alone.

 

then said "hey you wouldn't fight me like they do on there would ya? We would both take half right you wouldn't fight me would ya?" She was saying it as we where laughing playing around with each other. But I had to say something here right? So I just tried to blow it off like, "pshh, come on now, lets don't even talk like this, isn't even funny." Then we changed subjects.

 

She was looking for some reassurance here, and you blew it. You could have said I hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does, no, I wouldn't fight you.

 

You need to learn to see situations from your wife's perspective. Take a second to think about what she might need from you i a given situation. Learn to hear the emotions behind the words.

[John Broken]

Looney,

 

Oh bull. You are not a puppet. God arranged the meeting, but you chose to marry, and you chose to behave in ways that trashed your wife's heart. I'm quite certain that this was not what He had in mind when you two met.

 

I understand. I know I messed it up and He is not to blame etc. I guess ultimately it comes down to the philosophical question of evil. Why does He permit it etc. Which ultimately must lead to a greater good or He wouldn't allow it. Just hard to understand.

 

 

Would you please get out of her head? You have enough to do in controlling your thoughts and behavior. Leave hers alone.

 

 

I agree, it's just hard not to wonder what your spouse is feeling and contemplation in the middle of a break down like this.

 

 

 

She was looking for some reassurance here, and you blew it. You could have said I hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does, no, I wouldn't fight you.

 

 

We have talked about this a couple times on a more serious note and I did say that specifically. "I don't want it, but if it came to that I wouldn't fight you." It was just that at this time it was more like she was ribbing me, like she wasn't serious. Like she knows this is all crazy. She has mentioned it's crazy like we are in a twighlight zone or something and she needs to stop this and how she feels so sinful having feelings for someone else while all I am trying to do is save a marriage. She is so confused, God forgive me for putting her in such torment!

 

 

You need to learn to see situations from your wife's perspective. Take a second to think about what she might need from you i a given situation. Learn to hear the emotions behind the words.

 

 

I guess this is the hard part for me. It's so hard to see though the impending doom I am seeing and to see it from her point of view. Dying to self is so slow it seems for me.