Marriage In distress

[4evrHZdtr3]

Wrong response. You are making her feel guilty for how she feels.

 

Say, "After the way I've treated you, I can totally understand why you would feel that way " Just leave it at that. She doesn't need to be preached to, especially by you.

 

Amen! And see below for a correction to what I said.

Edited August 27, 2013 by 4evrHZdtr3

[4evrHZdtr3]

 That you understand her feelings and that you are sure she will make the right choice.. and that if there is anything she needs.. you will be more than happy to do it for her.

 

[John Broken]

Thanks for the replies!!

 

 

     She says theres no two ways about it, either God is going to answer her prayer or mine. He's going to pick one or the other and if He answers mine shes going to have a problem with it/Him. She doesn't say that arrogantly or defiantly but more like she feels He is betraying or hurting her etc.

 

    Then she asks me "what can I do? I have feelings for this guy?"  She looks at it like there is nothing she can do, that her feelings are what should be followed, not Gods will which she admits would be to save our marriage. I don't know what to say exactly but have said in time God can heal us and her "feelings" and will honor her choice to work it out if she chose. 

 

     I am trying to give her the freedom of choosing. I have told her I wont fight her either way. But the problem now is, this other guy is not responding to her at all so she feels its because of me and my prayers (or that shes not good enough). Shes been trying to be more independent and reaching out to old friends etc but it seems like none of those doors are opening either. So I think she sees all this as being trapped. I can just see it depressing her. 

 

    I have said, when she asked what I pray for etc (and maybe I shouldn't) that God protects His children and wants whats best for them and that maybe He is trying to protect her and our family etc. I try to say it real gentle, as easy as I can, almost like I don't want to tell her because I know its not what she wants to hear now. But isn't that possibly some "real truth?" Doesn't the Lord only answer prayers in accordance with His will? 

 

   I don't know, she just makes me feel so guilty for wanting to save our marriage and I don't know how to handle it. The more things seem to work in that direction the more I feel she resents me for it. She has mentioned if she "lays it all down" it will be for God and NOT me! So is the real battle between her and the Lords will for our lives? I don't, just so confused and remorseful for all the hell I have created for her! I know it's pathetic to feel that way now, why didn't I "give a damn" sooner???  The enemy says just destroy yourself and set everyone free!!!! I don't like saying that, as if for pity, but I do hear his firery darts pierce through my mind with thoughts like that. 

[4evrHZdtr3]

THE BATTLEFIELD IS THE MIND. Take authority over the negative thoughts which are as damaging as deceptive emotions. God is not a big Sugar Daddy who evaluates which prayer He wants to answer this week and chooses one or the other...

 

Your prayer focus should NOT be to save your marriage. It should be to

 

1. Bring healing to your wife's heart. Show me what part I play in that, God and how to walk that out. Change me, God to be able to love her in the way that you have called me to.

 

2. Protect, bless, strengthen, heal my wife, God and draw her close in knowledge and experience to the True You...

 

Everything else is a matter of personal choice that should be left alone.

 

Do not pray for your wife to not live by her feelings.. or to want to be married to you or anything else like that. Those would be manipulative and self-serving prayers.

[John Broken]

Well low and behold doesn't God work in mysterious ways? And such a quick work! This all just happened the last two days. 

 

    Well this "other-guy" who my wife has had such strong feelings for has been shown in a different light by the Lord Himself. She talked and got to know him for a few months about 6 months ago. They stopped communicating about 6 months ago. He wanted her to separate from me but she wouldn't do it so he said lets just be friends. This has been driving her nuts and I feel actually compelling her to want him more, the more he withdrew. I mean they "ended" right at the hight of the new lovey dovey phase, where all you can see and feel is the excitement and good but none of the reality and bad they both may have. He just seemed so perfect compared to me, which wouldn't take much going by they way I had gotten, God forgive me. 

 

     She has been praying what to do about him or me etc. I told her before she really doesn't know this person even though it may seem so right, right now. So shes and I both have been praying for God to reveal truth. I prayed God protect her. Well, just so happens she has been reading on the internet about relationships etc. She "just-so" happened to been reading on one with about 300 million people and just so happen to have been reading a thread about this girl and guy. Out of all the millions of threads on the internet, she stumbled across the one that was none other that this "other-guy" and her best friend!!!!! It goes into great detail of what they have been doing with each other!!! I mean my wife has never been a computer person at all. Never goes on chats or forums or nothing and goes right into the very message board about him and her!! Praise be the Him who holds all the treasures of knowledge and wisdom!!!!!! God has exposed both of them and she knows it! She thanks God for protecting her!!!! and for the first time in a very long time has somewhat "turned" towards me!!!! Hugged and kissed me!!! Thank God for the strength He has given me! I have laid my life down for her, as should be, day in and day out for the last 6 months!! 

 

    She is now more hurt about loosing her "best friend" than him. This has crushed her. Shes been crying missing her best friend and praying God send her someone again she can confide in. She says thats what she will miss is having someone to turn to etc. She prayed and cried this last night! And guess what? I called Joel first time about a couple months ago, we talked and mentioned getting on calls sometime in the future. I didn't have the finances so haven't done anything yet. I felt kinda let down just not being able to do anything at the moment. So I haven't heard anything from him or been on any calls etc since then. But low and behold, guess who calls me today? Joel!! We talked and he said Kathy would love to talk to my wife!!!!!   I didn't say anything to Joel that my wife cried and prayed for someone to be sent like her friend!!!!!!  God is amazing!!!!  My wife is sleeping right now, shes been up almost last two days devastated with this new revelation.  But Im going to tell her the Lord has sent someone, Kathy!! Please pray she is receptive to "turning" this way, calling Kathy. She has had NO interest at all recently.  

[Looney_Tunes]

I have a women only group call that starts at 10pm eastern on Friday nights. She is also welcome to call in there. Same number and password as the couples' calls.

[John Broken]

      Well I mentioned the site here, calls, and the books etc...shes not as adamant about not considering it like she was before this revelation. Before it was like "NO!!!" Now its more like "I know, im just not ready for that yet honey" She didn't say "honey" but said it in that kind of tone. She actually came over to the computer and looked at the site when she said that. Thats huge for her to even look this way!

 

     I told her about Joel and Kathy calling me this morning out of the blue right after she prayed last night God send her someone to talk to. She just looked at me, I saw the gears turning in her head, the Lord is dealing and healing her heart I can see it. She even proclaimed He has protected her from something that could have been a catastrophe. Said He is a good God!, with tears! Her trust is coming back I believe! Amen!!

 

     Her view of this guy has totally changed at the moment. She feels God revealed the truth about him. This is what she knows I have been praying for along with her. I think its just all too much too fast for her right now and she just needs to stand still and breath and take it all in right now, so i'll wait before I invite her this way again...

 

     She did still mention we still have "our" issues. Which I completely understand. She feels like "staying" is jumping back into the lake filled with alligators!! I just feel like now it looks like we can start at the beginning where this ministry starts, not with a third person trumping it all. She always trumped everything here by saying, "what can I do? none of this changes how I "feel" about "him" right?" But praise God it looks like that has been removed in Jesus name! 

 

     I feel so selfish for being so excited about what has been shown to her about him. But its weird because it hurts me to see her hurt over a lost "dream" even though it wasn't true she still hurts over realizing that. I can't wait to get the chance to prove to her that "once" I get her back it will all go back to like it was wont happen. And I can only say that with confidence in Him who has begun a good work in me will continue until the end, Amen

Edited August 31, 2013 by John Broken

[John Broken]

It's been a rollercoaster. Now she's not 100% sure the forum thread is about the "other-guy" and her best friend. One minute she is sure, but not the next. Almost like she doesn't want to believe it. Which I understand, says she's more hurt about her than him.

 

She is now talking in past terms when she mentions "him." Like "it could have been" or " I would have liked to known this or that" "that crazy guy" etc, etc.

 

We where at the store and she was looking at rings, showed me one she really liked! (We have always talked about never renewing our vows like we should have) I went and bought the ring by faith. The other day she was responding real warmly and I asked her how she would feel if I bought that ring, her face lit up! All smiles and she said I thought about that! I showed it to her, and she accepted it but it felt kind of strange. I almost feel like its too soon. We have to get it resized and she's mentioned she's confused etc. I don't want her to feel trapped. Still says she has no feelings right now, but did say it felt like some of the intimacy came back the other day when we kissed and hugged.

 

She's says just so unhappy.

 

I think I know the answer, but any more advice would help thanks

[Rebuilding Trust]

My advice is to not over-think it, just love her unconditionally and be consistent. 

 

Let me ask you a question. If you and your wife were happily married and then suddenly one day, she was in a car accident. She became a vegetable, she could not move and had to be cared for 24/7. She of course became depressed and dealing with her everyday was a challenge to say the least. Would you LAY DOWN YOU LIFE FOR HER or would you get frustrated and walk away? LOVE is unconditional and would call you to live this out with her in love and understanding. There are not too many men on this planet that would stay. They may stay for a year or two but eventually they would give up, or start up in an affair to get their needs met.

 

What would you do? God is calling you right now to hang in there and LAY DOWN YOU LIFE for your bride. It's all about motivation my brother. Are you doing this to GLORIFY GOD or are you doing this to get your own needs met - the choice is yours.......

 

And remember, you were the CAR that was running out of control that HIT her......

[John Broken]

Hi all, 

 

Well it's been several months now since I have posted. Praise God, for the most part, things are working out, on the surface at least.

 

We are staying married, the D word is out of the question now. She is "over" other. She has accepted the Lord's will for our marriage. She's wearing her ring again. We both got new rings. We are talking about renewing our vows etc. I really feel like she is "back" now. 

 

As for me, I am still walking this out and it does seem to get harder to continue the more I feel she "comes back." Joel mentioned this and it is harder. But this all proves the sincerity. It's harder to hold my tongue (argue my rights) etc. But by Gods grace I will continue to lay down my life for her. 

 

Shes already told me she feels so much better now, because she thought it was all fake, but sees now that I am still walking in love with her, learning about her and listening to her etc. Shes believing in me again, slowly I feel. I thank the Lord so much for the faith He has given her to believe in me! 

 

I mentioned "on the surface at least"I don't want to make this about me but I do want to express what I am feeling so that I can get some feed back. Something happened to me when I began to realize she "loved" someone else. It did something to me. I guess it;s how she has felt for years while my attention was not on her. I feel so insecure, so inadequate, so estranged from her (at least a piece of me). I am haunted by all her words about this "perfect other" she said months ago when she was caught up in it all. I mean she has made comments like "I would rather obey the Lord and not have love than to have love and be with someone the Lord doesn't want me with". She tells me she loves me and couldn't live with out me. But I feel like she is "settling" with me for Gods sake. Which in reality is probably true (if I am the old person I was). My only hope is in time I will actually be the man she cant live without the more I become Christ like. I guess I am reaping my own harvest. I just don't feel like she "needs" me. I know this is all selfish, but its so hard to deal with once having it. 

[John Broken]

Hi RT, 

 

What would you do? 

 

 

 

Good question. I would, and am laying down my life, by faith, one day at a time! 

[Looney_Tunes]

She tells me she loves me and couldn't live with out me. But I feel like she is "settling" with me for Gods sake. Which in reality is probably true

 

 

Yup, right now it probably is.

 

My only hope is in time I will actually be the man she cant live without the more I become Christ like.

 

 

That's the idea. It is your responsibility to become the person she actually wants to be with.

 

In the meantime, you have to deal with your feelings. The first step in doing that is to acknowledge that you have them, which you've done. That's good, because pretending they don't exist just causes them to build up pressure and explode later on. But now you need to deal with them appropriately, which means NOT dumping them on your wife. Go scream at God. Write them out here. Hit some golf balls or a punching bag. Whatever you need to do to keep from puking all of that negative stuff on your wife.

[ChooseLove]

My advice is to not over-think it, just love her unconditionally and be consistent. 

 

Let me ask you a question. If you and your wife were happily married and then suddenly one day, she was in a car accident. She became a vegetable, she could not move and had to be cared for 24/7. She of course became depressed and dealing with her everyday was a challenge to say the least. Would you LAY DOWN YOU LIFE FOR HER or would you get frustrated and walk away? LOVE is unconditional and would call you to live this out with her in love and understanding. There are not too many men on this planet that would stay. They may stay for a year or two but eventually they would give up, or start up in an affair to get their needs met.

 

What would you do? God is calling you right now to hang in there and LAY DOWN YOU LIFE for your bride. It's all about motivation my brother. Are you doing this to GLORIFY GOD or are you doing this to get your own needs met - the choice is yours.......

 

And remember, you were the CAR that was running out of control that HIT her......

 

This is very helpful Tony.  I know we spoke of this on the Men's call on Saturday.  Erik Matlock also wrote about this today in a similar way at http://joelandkathy.com/boards/index.php?/topic/7732-how-do-i-win-her-heart-back/.  

 

In order to become Christlike we need to give up our life for our wife without waiting or expecting her to respond one way or the other.  I get stuck myself at times wanting some response from her, pawing her, in reality pushing her away.  I see I needed to be relaxed and seek the peace of the Lord, no matter what storm I am facing.  The more I apply what I have learned in this ministry, the closer I draw to God.

 

Cindy what you shared about acknowledging our feelings is important swell. Those are real, but they should not have power over you.  I have caught myself dumping/"sharing" on my wife, hence these forums and Men's calls in particular help keep me focused. Like Cindy said use any or all of her suggestions to let those emotions out in a health way (i.e., not hurting your wife).

[TimothyPaul]

 

 

In order to become Christlike we need to give up our life for our wife without waiting or expecting her to respond one way or the other.

 

Actually - this is incorrect.  You need to be giving your up your life for Christ. The bi-product is that you will give your life for your wife.  As guy, we often misunderstand where our submission comes from.  Our job is to be submissive to God.  When you can master that trait the wife part is easy. 

 

In His service....TP

[ChooseLove]

Actually - this is incorrect.  You need to be giving your up your life for Christ. The bi-product is that you will give your life for your wife.  As guy, we often misunderstand where our submission comes from.  Our job is to be submissive to God.  When you can master that trait the wife part is easy. 

 

In His service....TP

Thanks Tim, yes that is what I intended - God first, then wife. I am glad you helped correct me on that.  We need to put God first  and foremost and yes I have found that I as I do that I have more peace about my life and where it is headed.

[TimothyPaul]

I have found that I as I do that I have more peace about my life and where it is headed.

And so will your wife!!

[ChooseLove]

And so will your wife!!

Amen TP - Amen.

[John Broken]

Thanks Looney,

 

Since the maintenance, I no longer see my post you responded to or your post or anyones else's after #117.  The last post I see is #117 by ChooseLove - "Amen TP - Amen." Nothing after that. 

 

Is it possible from your side to refresh/update this thread after post #117? 

 

 

Anyway I did receive by email, your reply to my last post, i'll post it here...

 

 

Me: "she seems to have found a new "end it all" trump card by resorting to VERY VERY fearful and horrifying inducing comments to get control. And it always sends me spiraling downward instantly." 

 

You: "That is not her problem. It's yours. No one can "make" you feel anything. What do you do when this happens? Just give in and let those feelings take you down to Panicville? Or do you stop, use the power of Christ to tell satan to leave you alone, and choose to think about the positives? The solution is to exercise some self control. You can control your thoughts and your emotions, or you can let them control you."

 

This is what I received in my email. Is that all of your reply? Don't know if the rest is missing due to the maintenance or if that is all you responded to.

 

I had also asked about how do I interact with her in the daily issues without setting her off? Any disagreement on my part is seen as me being controlling or wrong somehow. I know to love her where she is at, which I do, but in the mean time how do I have any input in our day to day lives that doesn't agree with hers?  

 

I mean I know I have brought her to a place where she has become hardened, and somewhat defiant towards me and the Lord. I accept my part in that. I feel bad because she is not close to the Lord like she used to be. She is no longer in her word. She almost doesn't trust Him because look what it got her with me in 20yrs right? It's like she has given up on both of us, and I hate myself for that. 

 

I guess my question is, do I just let her have her way about everything to avoid any conflict? She doesn't get upset if I just give her her way. But how can that work if she is objectively making bad choices? How can I carry out my role? One example is our son, if I try to correct him, he gets upset and aggravates her then she blames me for getting him upset. I shouldn't have gotten him upset. No matter how I dealt with him, I should have done it different. 

 

If I don't object and let her have her way, she blames me for the problem that results because I didn't object and do something. But when I do object *before* something happens, then I wrong for being disagreeable or controlling. 

 

Whats the solution to this? Either way leads to me being at fault. I'm wrong for being in the way, and I'm wrong for getting out of way. 

 

I am not trying to be difficult, I literally don't know how to function. Either way seems to lead to me being the problem. I see no third option. Is there?? 

[TimothyPaul]

Hey John - the database for the forums became corrupted so I had to go back a few days when I restored the data files.

[TimothyPaul]

John's Post from 07/05/2014 - 6:13am

 

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Thanks for the responses!

 

How do I deal with her remarks of "well I'll just get back in contact with "other?" or "this just isn't going to work," etc.?

 

Many times when we get engaged in day to day issues / conflicts, money, children etc., she seems to have found a new "end it all" trump card by resorting to VERY VERY fearful and horrifying inducing comments to get control. And it always sends me spiraling downward instantly. I literally get sick, i mean literally. And immediately the enemy takes the opportunity and all I hear is essentially "see she really loves him, and not you!" "Shes just denying how she really feels, she hates you deep down, it's useless!"

 

The only way to avoid these moments it seems it to completely avoid ANY conflict. But this can't work either, it only makes a mess of other things obviously. How do I do my part, and interact daily in trying to negotiate issues in our lives, children, family, finances and even theology, if I just avoid giving any of my input which might set her off?

 

I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself (I don't think), I just literally do not know how to "act" around her, how to respond, what to say at times, I'm literally walking on eggshells. Many times I am afraid to come home because I feel like I have to "perform" the right way or else!

 

But, strangely, also at the same time, things have been gradually getting better slowly. Our moments of "hugs n kisses, and snuggles, and those looks" (which I can see in her eyes, those little flashes and glimmers of love) etc., are happening more frequently and more intensely.

 

But those other moments, when day to day life happens, it feels like it's all lost. I feel like the 2 steps forward we make is slowing being lost by 2.5 steps backwards. It feels like the more those bad comments are made the more insecure I get and less I stop believing. I gradually stop believing things are getting better more and more. I start getting bombarded with the attacks of the enemy I mentioned earlier.

 

I know my focus is to be on Christ and not my progress with her. But, underlying all my focus on Christ and becoming Christlike, is the real awareness of those fears and doubts the enemy "voices" in my mind. They are there, constantly bombarding me, deeply and seem more real than my walk with the Lord.

 

I know most of the pat answers and what to do, but how to do it and really feel it is quite another.

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[Looney_Tunes]

I guess my question is, do I just let her have her way about everything to avoid any conflict? She doesn't get upset if I just give her her way. But how can that work if she is objectively making bad choices? How can I carry out my role?

 

 

This kind of has a 2 part answer. The first part is yes, if the issue really isn't something critical, let her have her way. You might have to take a few hits on the chin in the process, but if it makes her feel like she is important and valuable to you, it's worth it. So whenever possible - whenever it's not really going to make that much of a difference in the grand scheme of things - go ahead and do it her way.

 

It sounds like your wife has a control temperament that makes it hard for her to be responsible for her decisions ... or she has learned that through her life experiences. When you come to those issues where it does make a difference, the way you approach it can make it or break it. Let's talk about dealing with your son. I'm not sure if you've said how old he is - if you did, I don't remember. Are you correcting him in a way that might be causing him to get upset over something other than just not getting his way? Are you allowing him to throw a fit in front of his mom when you have said something he didn't want to hear? He also needs to learn that he can control his emotions and his behavior. From your description I am getting the impression that your wife's issue is not that you have corrected him, but that she has to deal with the fallout. Don't let that happen.

 

If it's another issue, do your best to stay calm and just lay out the options for her. Honey, we could do A or B here. Do you have a preference? If she chooses one, go with it. If it doesn't work out, don't rub her nose in the fact that she chose what to do. If it's your choice and it doesn't work, just calmly say Yeah, that didn't work the way I thought it would. Don't take it as a personal attack. She is operating out of a very hurt place and isn't going to always be rational.

 

The thing to realize is that deep down inside, she knows she is not always being fair. She needs to grow some too, but it is not your place to point that out. You just need to be the rock. Stay strong and steady and don't freak out or get angry ... at least not in front of her.

[JoelandKathy]

Hi John,

 

Have you considered giving us a call to join the men's calls? I would love to hear from you!

 

Joel and Kathy

386-206-3128

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[John Broken]

Thanks for all the advice.

[John Broken]

Thanks for all the advice.

[MaryJane]

How are you and your wife doing?