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I'm not sure really, its almost unreal. She's still not let go of other even though they don't have direct contact. Like I mentioned before she thinks he's writing on forums in character while communicating to her indirectly. As in using different screen names telling stories with names and dates etc., that are meant for her and I have to admit it seems so. She thinks he's hiding behind this to avoid legal action should we divorce or something.

The msg is he is still in love with her. And I can tell its flattering her like crazy. But driving her crazy cause he won't talk to her. Its like she's under s spell. She says he's also pinning quotes to her all the time. But its all under code names so she thinks she's crazy one minute and not the next. Thinks he's hacking our devices/ pc etc. Because things we talk about in the house end up being pinned to her on pinterest by him shortly after! Its insanity. I'm going crazy its all we talk about. She's always trying to figure out what new msg he's trying to communicate.

At first he was sending pins of hate and anger calling her names slandering God etc.. and she turned it all around saying he's just so hurt over her why else would he still be hanging on? They are both still friended on fb. He sends porn pics and she says he's just unsaved. She overlooks it all.

But then one minute she says God is showing her his true colors. And that its changed her opinion of him. But the next minute says she still feels for him and she's trapped.

We were getting closer until she "discovered" he's been following her on fb and pinterest all along. She initially thought he just moved on. Its driving me crazy seeing her so consumed with thinking all the posts, pinned quotes and secret msg are all from him when he really hadn't identified himself. Its driving her nuts to.

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I mentioned "on the surface at least"I don't want to make this about me but I do want to express what I am feeling so that I can get some feed back. Something happened to me when I began to realize she "loved" someone else. It did something to me. I guess it;s how she has felt for years while my attention was not on her. I feel so insecure, so inadequate, so estranged from her (at least a piece of me). I am haunted by all her words about this "perfect other" she said months ago when she was caught up in it all. I mean she has made comments like "I would rather obey the Lord and not have love than to have love and be with someone the Lord doesn't want me with". She tells me she loves me and couldn't live with out me. But I feel like she is "settling" with me for Gods sake. Which in reality is probably true (if I am the old person I was). My only hope is in time I will actually be the man she cant live without the more I become Christ like. I guess I am reaping my own harvest. I just don't feel like she "needs" me. I know this is all selfish, but its so hard to deal with once having it. 

Just read this and it really spoke to me. I have had similar thoughts and feelings.  God has revealed to be I have to be OK by myself, whether my wife loves me back or not.  We need to find our own way with Him.  Our joy, peace and contentment can't come from another person or circumstances.  Praying for you today brother.

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Hi John,

 

Have you considered giving us a call to join the men's calls? I would love to hear from you!

 

Joel and Kathy

386-206-3128

John, I highly recommend you get on the men's calls.  This is not something you should be going alone and more than ever right now you need the support of men in the ministry.  Whatever you can do to scrape up a $100 a month I highly recommend the investment.  It sounds like we have similar experience/battles.  Let me leave you with some verses to meditate on.

 

Philippians 3:14 - I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Romans 5:1-5 1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, wea have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And web boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but wec also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

 

I stand with you brother.  We love our wives and want them to draw closer to God and in turn us.  We pray for them and lift them up they are made holy and blameless by the precious blood of Jesus.  We pray for complete restoration in body, mind and spirit.  God you are awesome.  Your mercies are new each morning and we faithful hold on to your promises.  In Jesus' name I pray.

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I need to learn better to not respond to how she is responding to me daily. I keep trying to read "where" she is at with me. She has been so distant lately but today she came home and got in bed with me and shared a lot as i listened even though i had to sleep for work, but i chose to be there for her unlike the past! We hugged and kissed like everything is perfect. I was shocked. It was great. But its hard for me to put much on it because tomorrow can be like she's gone again. I guess she's just fighting her way through the messy place I have brought her to. She's amazing, at times i can see her fighting for us STILL even though she's still hearing and feeling RUN! I hate myself for seeing her so vexxed because of what I created. I'm so thankful I still have the chance and opportunity to bless and heal her one more day.

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TP thx for that link! So true.

 

CL, I would love to join the calls but simply can't ... barely making ends meet as it is.

Hi John, glad to see you continuing to post.  I would recommend the couples calls as an alternative.  They are free and you can chime in if there are no couples getting help.  The number is 857-232-0476 code: 544475.

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JB,I have read your full string of posts and admire your teachability. I can relate to many of your comments and have saved many replies with amazing reccommendations from some very wise posters. You are helping me with your honesty and the replies you receive. It sounds as if you are making gradual progess because you have shown patience and a ton of self-awareness. God bless you.

Edited by 7Times
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  • 1 month later...
I keep trying to read "where" she is at with me. 

 

 

This is something that passive men do as a lifestyle. Instead of initiating positive words and actions of love, they "watch" their wife and decide for her that she wants or does not want them to initiate a hug, smile or kiss.  That is not fair to a wife. It makes her a non-person. Her husband is making her decisions for her. He is totally controlling her world, not giving HER the opportunity to decide "yes" or "no" to his attention and action of love.   

 

Yes, it hurts to offer and be rejected - but that is better than being a control freak and making your wife's decisions for her. 

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  • 1 year later...

Hello all, first of all sorry for not keeping this thread updated. Second can someone figure out why I cant login in on my phone. im on the pc right now and it works. But when I login the same way on my phone it seems to accept my login process but it doesnt show me logged in or let me post etc. 

 

Third, for a while it seemed we were making progress and things where working out. And like joel said, it got harder for me to sustain and I gradually slipped into doing things I wanted like gaming more on the phone etc. I didnt fall back into verbal or physical abuse (never been physically abussive), but more neglectish, and she felt it. But I admit I slipped into selfishness again. But as stress would come she would make comments like "this is why it would be better if we divorced, etc." But then later say she was just upset. Now she says shes been living a lie and still loves other. Cant stop thinking about him. She believes he keeps posting memes secretly to her and she says he must really care if he is still hanging on this long. I cant tell it flatters her. So everyday now shes reading memes and looking for all the clues hes leaving her etc. Its like they are having a relationship but not directly. She says hes afraid to be direct because of legal reasons. Says she cant live like this because she knows its wrong, she feels horrible but as long as she only sees him in a good light and never really gets to know him she will always be trapped feeling for him. They stopped contact way back then at the hight of their "romance" and she says thats all she sees. I told her me and her live in the real world with all its stress and struggles and all my known faults and hurts etc. But she says she cant change how she feels. (But there have been many times lately where I know we were growing and she even says so, that she loves me but hates herself for still having feelings for other. Says shes prayed for God to take it away. Ive tried to kindly tell her God cant if she keeps points of contact with him. Shes always kept him friended, text messages and posting on pinterst etc. Says she needs to get closure with him , needs to talk it over with him etc. But can that work? Says she has to get rid of these feelings by realizing hes not what she thinks. I just dont see how that can work. 

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She says shes the bad one doing this to me, to God, knows she was wrong meeting and pursuing him while married etc. etc. Shes tormented I know. But she seems like two different people all the time. One moment shes "all us" and I know it. Then the ext moment I dont know her, shes "all him". I just dont know how to processs it all, its driving me insane. I kow its not about me, but I just need help how to process all this while we are in this nightmare. I know the answer is just love her where shes at, but then theres moments where I look at her and feel hatred for her betraying me, but I have no right, Ive betrayed her and been worse. I just dont know how to cope. 

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Hello Marry Jane! Thanks, you hardly said anything but said everything really! I'm trying to not react / respond. I know that's not my role. Like you said I know what the answer is, to simply love her where shes at like Looney always said. I just need someone to talk to and hear the truth again. Thanks

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The only difference this time that I see is her still having feelings, even said she still cares and loves him. But just a few weeks ago we were truly "us" and we both agreed. She would say she hates herself for treating me this way, putting me through this and that she should be so thankful for having a man willing to keep her through this. I told her not hate herself, that i put her in this situation by not cherishing her and keeping her first in my heart etc. I don't want her to feel the guilt of all this. I've told her I'm the more guilty one and now we have something to forgive in both of us and we can use it to love even stronger.

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  • 4 weeks later...

John Broken, jut popping in here.  A thought came to mind as I read through your posts.  How are you pleasing God today?  Take a moment to really think about that. God has made you a new creation, freed you from guilt and shame.  How are your thoughts, words, and deeds bringing glory to God?

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