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My wife, Tina and I have been married over 20 years and separated over two. We have two wonderful children, our daughter, 21, is a junior in college and our son, 17, will be graduating a military high school in the fall of this year. My wife left shortly after our daughter graduated high school. The main reason she left was because I was unfaithful several times during our marriage. During the separation, I have tried to "win" her back but in the process, I have pushed her farther away... the the point that she filed a restraining order against me earlier this year. However, she still contacts me whenever she needs anything and of course, I do whatever I can to ensure she has whatever needs and/or desire. She says that she is not involved with anyone else however she also says that she is done with me and our marriage. She has my number blocked from her home phone, I have never been inside her apartment and have no access (blocked) from her social media accounts... totally blocked out her life except when she needs me to assist (financial in most cases).

 

The past month, I have given her quite a bit of money to help her with her expenses, including rent, phone bill and gas for her car. This past Friday, after I took our daughter to the dentist, she requested some gas and groceries. I bought her some and had to watch my daughter carry them into her apartment. Afterward, I sent her the following email:

Good morning Tina,

 

It's about 10 pm on Friday night, I'm just getting back to my apartment from dropping Tiana off at your apartment and I noticed that she left her wallet in my car. Sadly, I can't call her to let her know without having to go to a pay phone and I'm just not doing that anymore. Tina, as I was sitting outside your apartment watching Tiana carry all those bags of groceries and not being able to assist her, my heart was so torn... first I was angry and then I became sadden. You are a very intelligent and very sensible lady... now I want you to REALLY just think about all the events just over this past month and be honest with YOURSELF... is it fair that I can't even call your house (which costs you NOTHING), let alone come into your house, or any of that other stuff. I believe if you really be honest, you will have to admit it is so unfair.

 

Really think about it... do you realize that since April 25th (the day you got your car back after the accident, I have given you over $600 in cash). You may say that if you are counting that means you aren't giving it with a sincere heart; you can say that to try to make yourself feel justified however we both know that is BULL; truth of the matter is I try to keep track of my budget so that I can manage my money better for the future. However, take a moment, be honest and think about how you would feel if someone you really cared about and would do anything for treated you like some kind of ignorant outcast not even worthy to be considered a "virtual friend".

 

Don't worry, I'm not sending another email, calling or even mentioning this again... I just needed to put it out there how much this truly hurts. It may mean absolutely nothing to you however I had to express it.

 

You have a wonderful day and of course if you need something, I'm here for you as I will always be.

 

Sincerely,

 

 

end of email:

 

Please give me some input as to how she will receive this.

 

Thanks,

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Hi! Welcome to the ministry! I found your topic in the other section and moved it over here, then deleted your first post here since it is essentially a repeat.

 

Your email leaves me speechless, which takes quite a bit of doing, and not in a good way. That is just about the most selfish, blaming thing you could possibly have written. How do YOU think she would receive that? What if your positions were reversed, and you were the one to receive that note? Your non-relationship just took another huge step backwards.

 

You excel at pushing through any boundaries your wife sets. How do you think that makes her feel? Spend a little time thinking about that. In order to start repairing your relationship, you have to learn to see things from her perspective.

 

The good news is that it is possible to heal her heart and restore your relationship. The bad news is that we can't guarantee it - your wife has free will, and she gets to choose whether or not she wants to be with you. You have free will as well, and you might choose not to do what we teach. But I can promise you that this is the best shot you will have.

 

So, first things first. Have you read J&K's books? If not, get them asap. I would also strongly encourage you to join Joel's men's calls - it's a $100 donation per month for 3 calls per week, and you would call Joel to set that up. You can also listen in on the couples' calls - info is here.

 

While you're getting all of that together, please read this. Please read the post I linked to and all of the following posts by Heartsong. You need to understand what you put your wife through.

 

When you're done, come back and give us your thoughts. I'll have more for you, but this is enough to start with.

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Wow!!!! I just finished reading the thread by Heartsong as you suggested and I am totally floored. I feel so naked now, totally exposed to what a failure I have been to my wife. I am so guilty of minimizing her pain and have even viewed that pain as hatred. I am so broken and want nothing more than to prove to her that she is lovely and that I will fight for her with all my might until the day I die. I do love her so much more than I could ever express... I have been a fool. I don't even know where to begin. I just know that I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

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Good. If you'd had little or no reaction, I would seriously wonder about you.

 

From this moment forward, you are not to push your wife's boundaries at all. She asked for no contact, so you don't contact. If you do, it shows her - again - that you don't care what she thinks or how she feels.

 

However, since she occasionally contacts you, the one thing you can do is to make sure that every single interaction she has with you is positive for her. You might feel like you're dying inside - and that would be a good thing - but she needs to walk away feeling valued and respected. Do not say you love her or any other things you might say if you were still together. Treat her as you would treat a friend. She will never consider anything more if she can't be friends with you first.

 

Next assignment - start reading Tim's thread. Tim hasn't won his wife's heart back yet, but he has a great friendship with her that gives God room to do what God does best. His thread will give you a good idea of what it takes to win a woman's heart.

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As far as that email goes, it was sent with a provider that doesn't have a "recall" feature... trust me, I have searched and researched trying to find a way to get that email back and apparently there is no such feature with that provider. STUPID ME!!!! The funny thing is that today I actually made it a point to pull back and let her breath... I know that usually when I stop pushing so hard, we tend to have better encounters in the future... so you can imagine how STUPID I feel right now. The only thing I could come up with was to send another email basically asking her to delete the previous email without reading it. All I can do right now is pray that she does. One other thing: would it be acceptable to do something small, like sending her a small bouquet of flowers or a little gift later in the week (Thursday or Friday) just to simply let her know that I am thinking about her?

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Umm . . . did she not file a TPO against you? Does your TPO not mean NO contact? Has she not said that she doesn't want any contact? Would you not be violating your TPO by sending her something?

 

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

 

You don't get to make the rules here. She does. If you violate the terms of your TPO, she could decide to have you arrested.

 

Have I made myself clear?

 

You want to send a gift because you want her to know that you're thinking about her. You do not want to send a gift because it will bless her. This is about you, not her. Your motives are wrong. Lesson number one in seeing things from her perspective.

 

We often do advise men to send small weekly gifts to their wife, so you might read that somewhere. There may come a time for that, but not now. She is unlikely to receive it well. Back off. Stop trying to get her to notice you, and spend your time reading here and listening to calls.

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Yes, you made yourself clear... and thank you for being direct with me... some times I need a little pop upside the head to get the point across. I, like most men, just want to get it right however the part where I usually mess up is that I want it now. I understand that trusting in God also means trusting in HIS timing. I can imagine how you are going to respond to this statement however this two years have been torture... I love that woman so much and miss her like crazy. Just want my wife back home with me.

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some times I need a little pop upside the head to get the point across.

 

My specialty - ask anyone around here. :P

 

Tim says you've been on the men's calls . . . great! Yes, wanting things now is a problem, but I can promise you that where you usually mess up is that you think of yourself and what you want, rather than seeing the situation from your wife's perspective.

 

I have an analogy I use a lot . . . imagine that your wife has walked across a desert to find you. She ran out of water awhile ago and is pretty dehydrated, and when she finally reaches you she collapses at your feet and whispers Water! You run inside and bring her . . . a banana. She looks at you like you've lost your mind and again asks for water. You bring out another banana. The cycle repeats a few more times, after which she finds the strength to shove the bananas down your throat, and she goes next door to look for water.

 

You brought bananas because you were thinking about what you wanted to give her. Mind you, there was nothing wrong with the bananas. They were simply not what she needed at the moment. Women need to be loved the way they need to be loved, not the way the "experts" or her mother or her husband or anyone else thinks she needs to be loved. In order to do that, you have to be thinking of her.

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Today is a gloomy day here in Georgia, reminds me of that classic song, "A rainy night in Georgia". I'm experiencing a mixture of emotions right now: glad to see another day, hopeful for the future, lonely because I'm missing Tina so, excited because I know that God is still on the throne and still in control. I watched a popular TV minister this morning and the subject was "Keep the vision in front of you... because you are drawn to what you constantly see." So, this morning I pulled out a lot of my pictures of me and Tina together... happy and so much in love. I see restoration and healing for our marriage and the entire family. I see us laughing, playing and praying together. I see us celebrating holidays, birthdays, graduations and all of live's events together. PRAISE GOD FOR WHAT HE IS DOING and I proclaim it done in the name of JESUS. Amen

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There's nothing wrong with that, but . . . if your only goal is to get your wife back, then you will be blown off course every time she doesn't respond the way you would like her to. I'm not saying you shouldn't desire a restoration - we are a marriage ministry, after all, and that's what we do. But you will win her back by learning how to walk close to Christ . . . how to love the way He loves.

 

So how 'bout, along with a few pictures of Tina, you put some scripture and maybe a picture that will remind you of Him, and hang it up someplace where you'll see it regularly? Personally I don't think the popular depictions of Christ are anything like what he probably looked like, so I'd be more likely to choose a picture of Calvary or something, but that's up to you. The point is that you must keep your focus on Christ first and your wife next.

 

Oh, and if you do this, change it up every couple of weeks - move it to a new location and/or change colors, pictures, etc. Our eyes tend to gloss over things we see all the time, and if you don't change it, it will lose its impact. Keep it fresh.

 

One quick question - if your wife ever reads this, is she going to be upset that you used her name? If you think she will, let me know and I can go back and edit it out.

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First and foremost is my walk with Christ. He is the head of my life and I spend time with Him everyday. The very thing out my mouth every morning is praises to Him and it is continuous through-out the day. I fail in something everyday and I know if it wasn't for His Grace and Mercy, I would be lost. I have been in my apartment just over a month and the very first items I brought into it was my Bible and a CD of praise music. I let that CD play pretty much every night as I drift off to sleep. When you walk in my door, the first thing you see is a framed poster with the word, "Believe" in bold red letters... the poster is Mark 9:23. There are 5 of these such posters in my apartment (Mark 9:23, Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11, Philippians 4:7 and in my son's room Philippians 4:13, which as been his motto scripture for so long... he put it on all his sports equipment, his school material and to this day, he wears a ring with it). So, believe me, Christ is first place. However, as far as a relationship on this planet with another human being, there is nothing more important than that of my marriage to my covenant bride, Tina. I admit, I was so lost in my life however I also know that I have been redeemed by the Blood of Jesus. I also know that I have to deal with the consequences of that past behavior, BUT GOD!!!!

 

I totally understand what you are staying about keeping it fresh... and I totally agree especially in a marriage. But the beauty of the Word of God is that is it Living Word and each time you read it, there is a new freshness exposed.

 

As for as her name being in the post, I don't believe she will have an issue with it. If she ever sees it, she will know that I am open and honest to the world about how I feel, love, desire and treasure her as my bride.

 

Thx.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I need some help!!!!! I am in such a battle. EVERYBODY is telling me to give up on my marriage. My wife is telling me to move on. My heart is breaking into a millions pieces. I don't know what to do at this point. I am in so much pain and dismay. Please help!!!!!!!

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For one thing, don't listen to "EVERYBODY". Listen to the Holy Spirit -- and, to your wife's heart.

Speak up on the men's calls. Talk to them! There's a call today, right?

 

Allow yourself to come to KNOW God intimately, to receive life and strength from your Source, Christ. Then, you will be ready to be a source of life for your wife, someday.

 

You'll be alright.

 

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I was on the men's call today for a brief time however I had to left to get my car taken care of. My wife's heart is giving me so many mixed signals and emotions. She says she is never coming back, generally, she won't communicate with me; unless she is in need of something which I am always open and available to her. She has so many walls up against me even though I try will all my might to be gentle and loving to her and meeting her anytime she needs anything. I give my all to her and ask for nothing in return except common respect. I love her with all my heart... and I'm so afraid of losing her forever. My heart hurts so much and my head is totally messed up. All I ask is some kind of hope. My family is so concerned that they called 211 for a crisis intervention. I'm trying to hold on to my faith however it is so hard when NOTHING seems to be happening at all... at least nothing positive.

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Remember, that the only person you can change is YOU!

 

Your quest and goal in life must be to become Christ-like. In fact, that should be every person's goal who call themselves Christian. The PRIZE is meeting your Savior and hearing Him say: 'Well done, thou good and faithful servant"

 

A person can really only focus on that and give it the proper place of importance in their life when they really really really understand how deeply they have wounded Jesus- how much they have caused Him to suffer.. when they have really really deeply and honestly acknowledged that they have sinned and fallen short of God's requirements - and have realized how merciful God is to not condemn them to hell... it won't work if you have decided in your head that you agree with the Gospel and that it's true and you will follow it to the best of your ability. There has to be a rending of your heart! a deep KNOWING of the pain you caused Jesus and the great price He paid.. when that has been accomplished, then you are ready to move forward... letting Him be Lord and letting Holy Spirit direct your thoughts, steps, actions, choices...

 

Once Jesus is in His rightful place in your heart, you can work at becoming Christlike and your first and most important mission field is your wife. In that place you will begin to understand that Jesus did not lay His life down in exchange for "common respect." He laid His life down sacrificially because God the Father ordained it and required it. He never knew what the return might be or might not be. In order to truly be Christ-like you must require NOTHING! expect NOTHING from your wife. Do not be offended if she outright rejects you...even if she does it multiple times... because your sacrifices are a sweet aroma to God whom you are serving in thanksgiving for His mercies toward you when you (and I) deserve to go to hell.

 

In other words you can be sure that if your heart is right and you are absolutely freely loving your wife in the same way that Christ loves His bride, the Church, then she will be being touched by God's love. How she responds to that is still her choice. It would be wonderful if her response was toward you. BUT- if she chooses to walk away- as absolutely painful as that will be- you will still have the great prize- and that is the smile on your Heavenly Father's face as he looks at you in adoring love and says;"That's my beloved Son in whom I am well-pleased!" That's a prize worth fighting for!

 

And you can be absolutely certain that whatever cost you have to pay in this process... God will make sure that you don't go without being re-paid many times over. You just don't know what that is going to look like yet.

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