A Narcissistic and Abusive Husband Trying to Reconcile

[MustChange]

Send her NOTHING! My divorce is final, and when a woman says don't, then DON"T. This can only blow up, I know.

[For Him For Her]

Anon,

They are both right. You and I discussed this in group. This kind of contact is completely selfish not the acts themselves but "forcing" her to see them is.

 

This journey is a walk into Christlikeness. Christ never forced himself on anyone. He loved even when he wasn't loved back. He did for those without having to get acknowledgment for His love. You can love your wife by doing these acts and by bi-weekly emails telling her about the good work you are doing in restoring the relationship with your brothers.

 

God Bless

David

Edited September 2, 2013 by For Him For Her

[Looney_Tunes]

OK, you wanted a female opinion . . .

 

You remind me of my son. If I told him Do not take one step out of your room! he would be hanging his entire body out the door, but his feet would still be in his room. He would find every possible way to defy me while still keeping to the letter of the law. This is exactly what you're doing to your wife.

 

Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! 

 

Stop it.

[MaryJane]

Amen. Someone used the word, "slithering" and that's exactly how I felt about it all.

[anon2000]

Wow. Thanks everyone for your responses. This is why I posted it up on the forum before sending it out. Your message is loud and clear. Although the challenge is still there... how to bless her and work on restoration within her parameters and without being slithering and manipulative. 

 

Of course I want restoration and I also want to grow out of being so self-centered. Part of that is respecting her boundaries and looking at the "spirit" of what she's saying to me instead of just technically getting around it by some conniving, slithering tactic. 

 

I know that to give gifts to needy people without her knowing about it is Christlike. That was what was bugging me earlier and you guys have made it clear. Thank you. 

 

I had lunch with my middle brother today (I'm the oldest) and we had a good, long talk. Tried to talk about childhood wounds, but he kept saying that everything's fine in his life right now. Will have lunch with my youngest brother in the next few days and hopefully I can make this a weekly or bi-weekly thing. Definitely difficult because they're so comfortable in their life, not needing anything, thinking that everything is ok with them although neither of them are walking with the Lord. Definitely hard to talk to my super rich brothers who are enjoying life and the toys they buy. It doesn't help that they looked to me and my wife as the best Christians they know and then seeing us separated with a possibility of divorce. They told me that what's happening is messing up their belief in God even more. They don't understand I'm a sinner just like them and that I'm just as broken as them. This will be a long process too...

[Rebuilding Trust]

Showing your brothers what a Christlike Man looks like is just one more reason for you to walk this out.

 

In your earlier POST, where you were trying to "slither" around her boundaries, here is the way I see it. Like most of the guys that come into this ministry, you a looking for that MAGICAL THING that will open your wife's heart back up. We all get that but there is no MAGICAL PIXIE DUST. God know each of us and what it will take for us to grow into Christlike Men. Do you really want to be Christlike or do you really just want to have your wife back? 

 

Watch PASSION OF CHRIST - the road to becoming Christlike looks a lot like that - are you ready to lay down your life like Christ laid it down for you? Or are you just here to figure out the easy road back to your wife's heart? 

 

Trust me when I tell you that if you take the easy road, even if you get her back, it will never be the Outrageously Happy Marriage or Life that God is calling you too!

[anon2000]

Hi Rebuilding Trust,

 

Thank you for your input. I have seen Passion of the Christ, multiple times, and the depth of the pain that our Lord and Savior went through is incredible. I've read tons of Christian books and have read the Bible my whole life, but that's where it's tricky. I've used "Christianity" to feed my ego and can easily psych myself into thinking I'm a great Christian and that led me into thinking I was a great husband despite the fact my wife was crying and sobbing because of my abuse for most of our marriage. But thankfully those days have ended and I'm trying to "rebuild" my whole identity. I gave up the ministry that I loved, left Dallas, dropped the adoption process (we were in the middle of one), left the church I loved, my community, etc. Now I need to start over in Atlanta... to find a new job, find a new community, and build a new identity. I've been joining David's Tuesday night men's group and that is such a breath of fresh air. Oftentimes, in my loneliness, I can get panicky and depressed about what steps I should take to pursue my wife. This can really wear me down and can definitely take my eyes off the prize, Christ Himself. 

 

Here's a gem that I learned from David's group. For the past two months while we've been separated, I've been really hard on myself, lots of self-condemnation, just seeing myself as a sinner, and unable to get out of that type of thinking even though I know the power of the cross. I felt like perhaps more penance will be good and felt like I didn't want to cheapen grace. However, during the group, someone pointed out that it's not very healthy to always look at my actions as sin but to see my actions as hurting her. Her hurt is more important than if I sinned against her or not. This was a problem in our marriage. For many things that my wife did, I tried to make it a moral issue, thinking of it as sin or not a sin. It's black or white that way and it easily slips into legalism. It also prevents us from having empathy. So when I focus on how I've hurt her, there isn't as much self-condemnation and helps me to be more empathetic. This has freed me from thinking of myself as crap the whole time. I do want to change and I realize that much of the pain I've caused her comes out of a sinful hurt, but I don't need to look back on all my behavior and categorize and label them as sin. 

 

This is a journey. Every week, I have immense desires to talk to her and show her how I've changed and show her what I've learned. But I had an outlet to do that, that would definitely short circuit my growth process. I do want my marriage to be restored, but I only want it to happen if it leads to a healthy marriage. 

[anon2000]

Hey everyone. So I sent the letter with the receipts and the inside envelope. Both the outer and inner envelope have disclaimers as outlined in a post. I know that all of you have said to not send it, but I did not make explicit that Joel had given me clear instructions to do those things on the men's call a week ago. He and Kathy both spoke to my wife 2 weeks ago. It didn't go well, but J&K clearly saw how badly I messed her up. She actually mentioned to them that treatment for someone in my shoes would be for him to give weekly gifts to someone in need (not quite sure if that she was trying to communicate that to me through them or if that's what she wanted for herself). After much thought, Joel decided that the best plan would be to do the current activity. We had quite the lively talk yesterday on the men's call, so listen to it to get more input. He told me that I'm a master manipulator and that I've done my tactics with people on this forum, but that I've met his match and that I won't be able to pull one over on him. 

 

I cannot deny at all that I've screwed up my relationship. I've made so many bad decisions in the marriage. That I am arrested in my development. Those were the statements that were made to me last night and I cannot deny them.

 

I know I'm manipulative and narcissistic and Joel can recognize that. Based on my own ultimate thoughts, I had thought that not sending her the receipts would be less narcissistic, but Joel said it's better for me to do what he says even if I disagree because of my unhealed mind & heart. Joel has spent a ton of time with me on the phones and they each spent several hours on a phone call with my beloved and so he's definitely put a lot of time and effort into me. I know that I don't have my head on straight about relationships and so I've sent the envelope away.  

 

I've done this several times. Gotten advice from Joel, then posted up that advice on the forum (most likely with incomplete info), started getting feedback that was different, then picked and chose what I thought was best. I had thought I was listening to God and was earnestly praying about it. But I get really confused because I don't know if I'm following Biblical principles, if I'm just doing it out of narcissism, or just "using" Joel and the people on the forum. My head's still spinning.

[anon2000]

After days of feeling uneasy after my last post, I sent my beloved an email saying that I was sorry for sending that envelope and that I had crossed her boundaries and disrespected her. She hasn't gotten the envelope yet so that email preempted the envelope. I was very confused (as you can tell from the last post), but this is what the spirit is telling me. I'll take the heat if that wasn't the right decision, but I honestly feel like I should not have sent that envelope. It's not about getting her back or not, it's about what's right and wrong, about being Christlike or not and I feel apologizing to her for sending that envelope was the right thing to do.  I know they were trying to help, but I will just have to respectfully disagree with what was told to me on the men's call.

Edited September 11, 2013 by anon2000

[anon2000]

So she got the envelope and then she sent an email to my closest friends and to my pastor.

 

To the accountability group of D-, to my own acct partner, and to D's pastor,

 

Just wanted to let you all know what is going on, to bring things into the light.

 

A few weeks ago most of you know that I talked with D's abuse program leaders who tried to get me to agree to have D- send me daily texts despite my clear dislike of that plan.  I communicated clearly that I did not want those text communications; nor did I want to get a compilation of them once a month via mail.  I made this clear to both them and to D- that I was putting a boundary there and that I expected to have that boundary be respected.  I had told D- that if he tries to contact me in this way again, that I would make it clear to all the witnesses and to his pastor that my boundaries are being violated and this contact is unwanted, and to ask for their help in stopping the behavior.  

 

Today I returned back to Dallas and found a letter from D- in the mail with daily messages for a number of days as well as the receipts for gifts for a few people (prices strangely blacked out).  So here is my notification to all of you about the unwanted contact and the violation of my boundary.  

 

While D- has said that he was pressured to send the envelope, and I am sorry that those people were manipulative and bullied him, the fact remains that he made the choice to violate my boundaries.  Throughout our relationship, every time he's chosen to violate my boundaries, he had his own personally compelling reasons and pressures.  Everybody has those pressures to act for themselves rather than for others. Finding someone else to blame and saying sorry quickly do not change the fact that he continues to choose to ignore my boundaries despite my being clear with him that this contact would cause me pain. I have strived to tell D- clearly what my boundaries are.  The fact that my clear communication cannot protect me shows that this is not a relationship in which I can ever be safe.  How does D- expect me to ever trust him when I ask of him one simple, clear request and he cannot follow it for 3 months during our separation agreement?  How can he follow the fuzzier, more difficult daily boundaries of respect in a marriage if he can't even follow this clear request for a short period of time?  I don't sense from the email below true remorse for hurting me, but rather care for himself, fear that I will be angry and institute consequences as I have told him I will do, and a strong desire that I blame the program, excuse him, and feel compassion for him.  While forgiveness and compassion are necessary, there are also consequences.  Up to recently I have always ignored my own needs and did not institute consequences when D- broke his word.  But this is neither just nor loving.  

 

I ask D- again, in the presence of these witnesses, to leave me alone and not contact me with personal messages intended to manipulate me back into a relationship.  The next time he violates this boundary, I will cut off all contact with him, block his phone number and email address, and require all contact to have to go through a mediator.  I ask the witnesses to help me by taking disciplinary measures in talking with D- and doing accountability effectively, i.e. not merely excusing D- deliberately doing something that he knew was wrong and then trying to blame others for it.  

 

I am sorry to have to take such measures but if common human respect cannot get him to respect my boundaries I have to enforce them myself.  I am truly upset and hurt and distressed by this communication and ask again clearly to D- to leave me alone.  Do not contact me socially.  Do not send me social texts or letters or emails.  You are welcome to give gifts to people on my behalf but I find your blacking out of the prices on the receipts manipulative, and I think now it would be better if you just keep those between God and yourself.  After all, the giving should really be on God's behalf and not on mine.   

 

I blacked out the prices b/c I thought the prices weren't important.

 

So now we have it. I've crossed her boundaries yet again. She sent an email like this to my accountability group and to my pastor after the second round of texts/gifts. The envelope has been the third round and the third time she's told me to not cross her boundaries. I take ultimate responsibility for it. Although I was pressured heavily to cross her boundaries, I still should have found a backbone and learned from past responses, which was enough. There are still logistical emails and I have to be as respectful as possible in those encounters. 

Edited September 11, 2013 by anon2000

[For Him For Her]

Daniel,

 

You were not bullied into sending the envelope. You wanted to send it and you found someone who agreed with you. I explicitly told you not to do it at group. Others here also said you shouldn't send it. I am sure if Joel would have felt what I was feeling in person he too would have agreed as well. The things you are saying here are not matching up to what is coming from you in person.

 

This entire journey so far has been about you. Your wife confirmed it in her letter. She is VERY clear in where she is and what she wants at this time."Your" desperate need to be in contact with her is what caused this latest episode not anything else.

 

There is hope in her letter but not if you cross another boundary. You have got to get a grip on you selfish need to be in contact with her. You came to Atlanta to restore the relationships with your brothers. This should be on your radar now. She specifically asked you to prove to her you could do this but instead you are showing her Daniel is still number one in Daniel's world.

 

God Bless

David

[anon2000]

Hi David. Thanks for replying. I know this is a sticky topic. 

 

Were you on the men's call last Thursday? I really did not want to send the envelope. I fought and argued against it. I was not trying to find someone who would agree with my "secret" desire of wanting to send that envelope. Other men who were on the phone call last Thursday, could you give some input? I thought I was clear that I did not want to send the envelope, but for those who heard the phone call, if you heard differently, then I want to know so that I can recognize what I'm doing. Unfortunately, that phone call is not available for me to download and listen to it. But Tuesday night and Saturday afternoon are available. If anyone could get that Thursday call (Sept. 5th) I would greatly appreciate it. 

 

But yes, I definitely am #1 in my own little world. My "pursuit" should not be focused on her, but with my brothers and w/God. The Tuesday night Men's group here in GA is a HUGE blessing. Matt was there this past Tuesday and we had a guy give an amazing testimony of how God brought restoration to his marriage even though he didn't do anything to directly pursue his wife. I can learn a lot from those men.

Edited September 13, 2013 by anon2000

[TimothyPaul]

Thursdays call wasn't recorded

[4evrHZdtr3]

Anon,

Not sure if i am right about this, but I get the 'feeling' that you say whatever others around you are saying- to fit in. I think you are sincere to the degree that you see the good and want to buy into whatever good there is. But it does seem like you are a chameleon. You change colors and words and tone to suit whatever situation you currently find yourself in because you like to agree. This isn't necessarily bad- in the sense of evil or sinful or whatever.. but it is wrong. 

If this is what you are doing, that is why you are being labeled a liar or a manipulator. Because you don't have a solid sense of who you are, you become whoever anybody wants you to be in the minute and then come back later, when criticized and say: But I didn't agree with that.  Your journey is to stand up straight in honesty and take the disagreement- as you consider whether or not your thoughts and choices and words are loving, moral or in line with God's Word or your wife's requests.

[anon2000]

Hi 4everHZdtr3. Thank you for the input. I am sincere in the moment that I say and do things. And then after some time, I start doubting what happened. In many, many arguments I've had with my wife, I in the end, started to agree with everything she said to get out of trouble. I believed it at that moment. Then after a few days, I have bitterness because I felt forced to do something I didn't want to do. That created distrust. She often said to me at the end of a fight, "I don't believe anything you're saying right now because you're saying whatever to get out this situation." This is similar to what happened over the men's call. I went into, after praying and thinking and getting input from this forum, that I should not send the envelope. But after feeling a lot of pressure and basically being put into a corner when asked, "you don't follow what we're telling you to do. Do you want our help?", I caved in, betrayed my conscience, and didn't stand up for what I believed in. It would've been better to say, "I cannot betray my conscience even if it means you'll no longer help me." This would have been more honest. 

 

This is a microcosm of my relationship with my wife. Right now, she doesn't believe anything I'm saying because she knows I will say and do anything to get her back. Anything that I do to try to "convince" or "persuade" her, I think, will raise her walls up even more.

 

Btw. My small group has just started a Danny Silk book (Culture of Honor) and you gave one of his books 5 stars. Looking forward to it!

[anon2000]

I think I've realized something over the last week or so. I think there are two different groups of men on this forum.

 

1) Men whose wives brought them into the ministry because of their passivity or not being cooperative.

2) Men who found the ministry on their own after the wife quit or nearly quit. 

 

With the first group, the wife is normally screaming for attention. With the second group, the wife is oftentimes not wanting the same type of pursuit and she has clear boundaries. The standard template so far has been to do the weekly gifts and the morning/evening text messages. The woman will continue to spill out the poison, but the husbands needs to be pushed to continue because she wants the love and attention. However, with the second group, it's a different case. When the wife says stop, she doesn't the want to continue doing the texts/gifts. The pursuit of the wife isn't the same. 

 

I have put this up because I know that the forums provide a history and other men come here to learn and to read about other men's experiences. 

 

With me, I've been squarely in the second group. The standard texts/gifts template was applied to my situation. Here is the breakdown...

 

- First round. She told me that the gifts/messages are counterproductive and that I should stop because it's only making her angry.

- Second round. She became furious and told me how I constantly cross her boundaries. She told me that she doesn't know how much more clearly she can tell me to not send her anything. I did violate our separation agreement on this round because I dropped the gift off in front of her porch when she asked me to not come over without her permission. However, even if I didn't do that, I believe she still would've felt her boundaries were violated. 

- Third round. Modified it a little bit. Gave other people gifts, kept the receipts. Enclosed handwritten text messages in an inner envelope with a disclaimer. The result of this was that she told me that if anything like this happens again then she will block my phone #, my email addresses, and other forms. Also, she has defriended me on Facebook and also blocked me out. She also defriended my two brothers too. This kind of response was accurately predicted by Charles in Cali and MustChange. Props to you two!

 

Lesson? Perhaps for the second group of men, to be super conscious of her boundaries. I believe the template of texts/gifts works really well for the first group of men, but the second group, it's a much more touch-and-go situation. It sounds like most of the people that find this ministry are women and the men whose wives dragged them into it and the template works very well for them. For the men who found it themselves, the success rate appears to much lower with the standard template. But that is a generalization and I know I can be wrong. 

 

The commonality for all men, regardless of which group, is that we all need to learn how to die for our wives and not be so self-centered (not just concerning our wives, but to everyone) and we can all learn a lot of things by reading the posts on these forums.

[Looney_Tunes]

I've never thought about it in those terms before, but you're right.

 

Here's the thing . . . any of us, even - gasp! - Joel, can be wrong. Many of us felt that doing what you did would backfire on you. Joel did not. And you know what? With another husband an another wife, Joel would have been right, because sometimes the women who say they're done really aren't. So you do have to test those boundaries a bit, just in case they're not as firm as you think they are. You have to find that line between pursuit and bulldozing for your wife. The "template" is always to pursue until your wife tells you to back off. The problem is that she told you very clearly to back off, and you didn't. No matter what Joel or anyone else said, in the end you are the one who sent that envelope.

 

In any situation, all we can do is take the advice we are given, pray about it, and then make our own decision, and that's what you did. If you feel like you were bullied into doing what you did . . . well, then you allowed yourself to be bullied. It's glaringly obvious that you do not feel confident in what you hear God say - do you feel like you hear Him speak at all? - and you do not feel confident enough in yourself to stick with your decisions. Since the situation with the envelope is over and done, that's what you need to work on.

[anon2000]

 

It's glaringly obvious that you do not feel confident in what you hear God say - do you feel like you hear Him speak at all? - and you do not feel confident enough in yourself to stick with your decisions. Since the situation with the envelope is over and done, that's what you need to work on.

 

Hi LT. Thank you for pointing this out. I definitely do hear from God. I heard from God that I should go to Atlanta, despite everybody on the Men's call telling me not to go. I felt the same conviction about the envelope, but caved in. It's really hard. Basically, the hour long discussion went as follows:

 

Me: I feel like I shouldn't do this because I've prayed about it.

Call: You can't trust any of your decisions because you are so narcissistic! Look at where your own decisions have led you!

Me: To the edge of divorce.

Call: We're the best in the business in restoring marriages. Do you want our help or not?

 

When a man is desperate and broken, confidence in himself is weakened, especially when his decisions are criticized and pointed out that his decisions are the very things that have led him into a destroyed marriage. It's very easy to just follow someone else's opinion in this state.  

 

You said it perfectly when you said, "In any situation, all we can do is take the advice we are given, pray about it, and then make our own decision, and that's what you did. If you feel like you were bullied into doing what you did . . . well, then you allowed yourself to be bullied." 

 

My conscience is my responsibility and what I cave into or not is my responsibility. 

[4evrHZdtr3]

Glad you can see this because part of becoming mature is taking responsibility for our choices, our words, our emotions and our spirits- no matter what is going on around us.

[Looney_Tunes]

When a man is desperate and broken, confidence in himself is weakened, especially when his decisions are criticized and pointed out that his decisions are the very things that have led him into a destroyed marriage. It's very easy to just follow someone else's opinion in this state.

 

 

Yup. So it is what it is, and you have to move forward from here. What is the plan? Are you still sending weekly emails, or does she not want those either?

 

Remember, at this point you need to develop a friendship with her. Any thoughts of actually restoring your marriage need to . . . well, I was gonna say go on the back burner, but really, they need to be off the stove altogether. If she feels any kind of pressure in that direction, she is just going to keep running farther and farther away.

 

How's it going with your brothers?

[anon2000]

Before that envelope, weekly emails could have been an option. Now, it's no longer an option because she's clearly asked that I not communicate with her on anything that is not logistical. The only way I can communicate with her is trying to bless her logistically. Our medical plan year is coming to an end, so I've sent her a partially filled out form so that she can send in the receipts and get the money. I'll keep thinking of things like that. Also, whenever she asks a question, to try to answer it quickly and as helpfully as possible. I don't know what else I can do since she's made it so clear. I think I may have to just wait until she opens up a non-logistical question or discussion and then I can jump in. 

 

With that said, we had agreed to a 3 month separation, which is Oct 5. At that time, she'll either extend the separation or file for divorce. She said reconciliation at that time will be out of the question because abusive patterns take a long time to root out.

 

I've been meeting up with my brothers, individually or together at least once a week for more serious talks. That and hanging out with them as much as possible when they eat or do other activities.

 

With my brothers, I had a realization the other day. All the ideas of more actively pursuing my wife can now be funneled towards my brothers. These principles can be applied to humans, not just wives. All of us are emotional beings and require love and attention. So I was thinking about writing an apology letter to each of my brothers. I'll also drop in a few "I love you's" every now and then. I can be more aggressive with them because they won't ever say to me, "stop crossing my boundaries." They'll just get weirded out temporarily.

 

Additionally, I plan to take my brothers to my father's gravesite in a few weeks. They have deep longings for a father's approval and love. And so when I take them there, I want to lead them in a time where we say to our father whatever we didn't say to him while he was alive. He passed away in 2004, when we were 27, 25, and 23. He never really paid much attention to us. We know he loved us, but never had verbal affirmation from him. 

 

I just have to pace it. I don't want to emotionally overload them. They are both totally against opening up and think that feelings are non-masculine and effeminate... pretty much, what I was before. 

Edited September 19, 2013 by anon2000

[TimothyPaul]

 

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

 

People Pleasing Is Idolatry

by Rick Warren

 

“I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.” (Galatians 1:10 NLT)

 

In life, you only have to please one person. And that is your Creator. You only have to please the Lord, the one who made you and has a purpose for your life.

 

That simplifies life enormously! You only need one person’s approval: God’s.

 

Jesus said it like this in John 5:30: “I don’t try to please myself, but I try to please the One who sent me” (NCV). He said, “I’m living for an audience of one.”

 

You may have never realized this, but people-pleasing is a form of idolatry. The first commandment in the Ten Commandments is, “Don’t have any gods before me.” Anything you put before God becomes a god. So a boat could be a god. A career could be a god. A girlfriend could be a god. Golf could be a god. Anything that becomes number one in your life that isn’t God becomes your god.

 

The second commandment is, “Don’t make any idols.” Anything that replaces God in your life is an idol. Success can be an idol. Money can be an idol. Sex can be an idol. A relationship can become an idol. If that relationship to your girlfriend, your wife, your boss, or your friend is more important than God, it’s an idol.

 

When you are a people-pleaser, you have allowed something other than God to take first place. All of a sudden it becomes god in your life, because you are allowing the opinion of others to matters more than God’s opinion. What they think of you matters more than what God thinks of you. You don’t want to tell them you’re a Christian because they might think less of you. For example, you don’t want them to know you go to church because they may not like you. At that point, you have another god in your life. You have an idol.

 

You only have to please one person. Paul says in Galatians 1:10, “I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant” (NLT).

[anon2000]

Because of our particular roles as missionaries on support, we need to report to our financial and prayer supporters. My beloved sent an update yesterday on our situation to about 700 people. It's hard to have my life exposed to so many people. But even when I read her update, I am so incredibly saddened at how I've hurt such an amazing woman. Here's what she sent out:

 

Dear friends,

It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you of some hard news.  D is resigning from the missions agency effective Oct 1, 2013, and I have asked him for a separation, because of ongoing significant issues during the five and a half years of our marriage.  We have been in extended counseling over the years as well as through a number of brief separations and reconciliations, but the situation has not improved.  Please see the bottom of this email for D's own words.

Currently, I am living in Dallas, planted in a loving supportive community, and benefiting from counseling and support groups.  I am working with the agency's admin to determine my own status for the future.  I am seeking the Lord about whether His will is for me to continue working in in my overseas assignment and with my agency.  For now, I am still a member of missions agency, based in Dallas, working on linguistic data for the assigned language project.  I am hopeful that the survey report that I am working on will open doors for more work to be done among the people group.

Dear friends, I appreciate your prayers for wisdom for me to know how to move forward, and for my admin as they consider this very difficult situation.  I understand many of you may not be comfortable with my decision to separate from D, and I am extremely open to talking/emailing with any of you.  Before you approach me, however, I would like to mention D's recommendation of a book below, available on Amazon.  It would be helpful to me if you read that beforehand and came to me with an understanding of the nature of our situation.  At that point, I would be very interested to explore with you a Biblical and God-centered approach to my situation, as that is my desire as well. 

Right now, sitting in the midst of what looks like a wasteland of my dreams, I still believe that God is a God of resurrection, hope, and new life -- the God that makes the deserts burst into bloom.  I bless His name and thank Him for His faithfulness.  I thank Him that my every tear has been witnessed and recorded (Psalm 56:, and that healing flows from His heart.  I praise Him that He has not forgotten the people group of the country we served in and this is not a setback for His plan to lavish them with a revelation of His beautiful Son Jesus Christ.  He has been faithful to continue revealing His breathtaking majesty, His overwhelming goodness, and His love to me during this time, and I have especially found Ps 32:7 to be true. 

I understand, friends, if some of you feel that you can no longer be a part of my journey in terms of financial support.  I do still ask of you, now more than ever, however, your prayers and friendship.  D will continue to receive his half of the financial support until October 1.  After that, any gifts given to the agency will only go to me. 

Please pray that the Lord would be gracious to D.  If you would like to be in touch with him, see below for his contact information.

Your sister in Christ,
S-


P.P.S.  These are D's words: 
I have some very sad news to share. S- and I are currently separated with a very real possibility of divorce. It’s not something that has suddenly happened because of one single event, but it’s something that has been building up for a very long time. She has tried her best to save our marriage by having us see several counselors for extended periods of time throughout the course of our marriage. She has tried everything she could think of but I continued my behavior towards her, and S- has had no other option but to leave.  If you would like to have a better perspective and willing to invest the time, please read the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men."

I am currently in Atlanta and have started to look for jobs. Also, I have just enrolled in a men's abuse program here in Atlanta and also am in support groups. Please pray for me to get out of the deeply entrenched patterns in my life, as this is something I cannot do on my own and something that will take a while. I definitely covet your prayers and friendship during this period of my life as real change can only happen through your prayers and the Holy Spirit. This is a personal journey that needs to happen regardless of what happens in the future. My missions agency email address will not work in a few weeks, so if you want to contact me, so please contact me at my personal email address.

[anon2000]

Our 3 month separation agreement ends on Oct 5th (in two Saturdays). My stomach has been churning more and more as that date approaches. She told everyone that at that date, she'll either file for divorce or extend the separation. She said reconciliation isn't possible at that time b/c abusers take much longer than just a few months to change. She wrote an email this morning:

 

Hi D-,

 

The three month period for our separation agreement ends in two Saturdays -- Oct 5 is the date I have.  I think at that point we should probably have a conversation via phone or Skype. I am suggesting a conversation in which we either have witnesses or we record the conversation. 

 

Which do you prefer? and what time are you available to talk?

 

S-

 

I have no idea what to do. Of course I'll have the phone call but I have no idea what I should say. I see myself just agreeing with everything she says and not offering anything else. I'm guessing she wants witnesses or the recording so that I can be held accountable. 

[Charles from Cali]

Hey there...

For what it's worth.... Don't freak yourself out.. You can only control YOURSELF today... When that time comes for your call/Skype... Just be open and hear what she has to say.. If she wants witnesses, it's only because you don't have her trust and she feels the need to give you ZERO room to manipulate the aftermath. Whether she chooses divorce or an extended separation....it doesn't change your goal... Be like Christ