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even the women in the most dire marriage circumstances need to feel pursued

 

Take it from a girl - Tim's right. If you just walk away, part of her will be thinking Gee, he didn't try very hard! He must not want to be with me as much as he said he does! Even if she's the one telling you to go, it will hurt her if you give up too easily.

 

On the other hand, you don't want to bulldoze her. That's why Tim is asking what will make your wife feel pursued.

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Hey everyone. Thank you so much for your invaluable input. I've been perusing other men's journeys the last few days. Very insightful, but discouraging. It's sad to see so many fervent starts by men and then after 2-3 pages, the posts stop. Did they get the wife back and then stop trying to improve? Did they just give up altogether? From the people that have posted more, it sounds like most of the men have not reconciled with their wives (yet) - although many of them have definitely become more Christlike.

 

I honestly don't know what will become of my journey. Will it die out after 2-4 pages? Will it be one of these epic ones that go more than 50 pages with the end not in sight? Will it be like the story of Her Destiny and Eeyore with a wife whose dreams were surpassed and the husband learning to die to himself? One thing is sure... if I remain committed, the people in this ministry are committed alongside of me and that is an incredible act of love and generosity on their part. Thank you posters who have put so much of their heart into this.

 

Thank you TP and LT. You don't know me but yet have given me sound advice. I've watched several videos already on "I Am Second" but there's a lot and will try to watch all of them. As for "pursuing the wife" question from the POV of the wife, I am still thinking and digging into it as I don't want to give a flippant answer. I'm sure there are ways that my wife will feel pursued in a way that's uniquely her.

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Anon,

 

You are the author of your story. The Holy Spirit will be your guide as long as you allow Him. It is your choice on how long you are here or how quickly you leave. I have been here since October 2007. I did not win my wife's heart back but I did receive the greatest gift anyone can receive. I now have a true one on one relationship with Christ. Most men quit because it becomes too hard. I didn't quit because Christ didn't quit on me.

 

God Bless

David

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I had an extremely vivid dream last night.

 

I was in a room and then my feet really start hurting. I look down to see the floor covered with broken glass. The broken glass is EVERYWHERE. I gently get onto a bed and see that the soles of my feet are covered with the shattered glass. It takes me a long time to pick out all the glass that's pierced my feet. It's a bloody mess. After i take all the glass out, I notice that on the top of my foot, there's an incision and I thought it was a shard of glass stuck inside. I dig at it and try to pick it out. But it's moving around inside the top of my foot. I peel off more of my skin and then discover it's a black worm. It moves around even more and I can't get to it. I peel my skin off even more and then finally get it out with some tweezers. After I get it out, I see that there are even more worms. As I pick them out, the top of my foot becomes even more opened up and I look inside. What's inside is a TON of gunk. Not only worms, but all these loose organisms and even a couple of fish. I am shocked at how much was in there and utterly scared to think that that junk was in there the whole time despite the outside of my feet looking clean.

 

I'm slowly beginning to understand the depth of the pain of my wife. I've been listening to lots of calls and the recorded calls too and the wives are so broken, so shredded. Earthly wisdom will tell them to give up on their husbands and to never look back. I've never cried as much as I have during these last 3-4 weeks of separation, always having been a pretty unemotional person. But my wife has gone through this our entire marriage. I can't imagine going through this pain for that long.

Edited by anon2000
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It's always exciting to have a chance to correspond with my wife, even if it's about something logistical. She's wanting access to our joint counseling file. Our ministry has counselors and we've been using them for the last 5 years. For her to access the joint file, they need written permission from me. I promptly wrote it up and sent it to her.

 

Definitely nervous because the counselors had been giving us the wrong advice the whole time... using traditional teachings without regards to the abusive husband. Their thought is if there is no adultery and no physical violence and no homosexuality, then the wife needs to stay in the marriage and stick it out. Don't even separate. I'm sure the joint file will blame much of it on her and give me a lot more credit than I deserve. They have no idea what an abusive relationship can do to a woman. They were manipulated by me into thinking that it was her fault. Their motto: "Woman! Submit! Respect your husband! Try harder! Be more gentle and loving!"

 

This will definitely get her anger to increase. =(

 

I did tell her that it'll be painful for her to look through the file because they had it all wrong.

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They were manipulated by me into thinking that it was her fault. Their motto: "Woman! Submit! Respect your husband! Try harder! Be more gentle and loving!"

 

This will definitely get her anger to increase. =(

 

I did tell her that it'll be painful for her to look through the file because they had it all wrong.

 

I'm glad you can see this. Start praying for her!! Offer something more to her than "they had it all wrong." Tell her what the truth is.

 

I must still have some wounding in me because just reading the last part: "Be more gentle and loving" made me respond with anger inside. I had a therapist tell me that directly. He kept saying that he couldn't help our marriage if my husband would not come in to the appointments. I kept asking him how I was to make that happen. He finally said: "Try being more gentle." I hung up on him and never went back.

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Just got a response back from her. She just said thanks about sending the letter. Then she said she's been putting all my stuff in a tub and asked me to come over and pick it all up. =( It's so depressing to slowly see her getting rid of my possessions from her house.

 

I didn't want to communicate too much over email about relational stuff. I did that last week and she just shot back saying she doesn't believe me. I've said sorry so many times in the past without true change and so she sees everything as manipulative. Right now, it probably is because I've only started on this journey of change and I know it takes a long time. I've written the apology letter but haven't sent it out yet because she asked for more space and so I need just bid my time and discern (with the forum's help) when to mail it to her.

Edited by anon2000
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Ok. Been thinking about what pursuing my wife means from her POV. I don't have much, but there are two major things that she's asked for that I haven't done (besides stopping my behavior of abuse and control).

 

1) cook. I hate cooking. She's asked me to cook for her once a week as an act of love. She has shown me incredible love through this act. She hates it too and didn't really know how to cook before we got married. But she learned. After each dish, she asks me to rate it from 1 to 5 stars. Then she logs it onto a database program on her computer so that she can track what dishes I like. I have no idea how to cook since I've never done it in my life. Cooking scares the bejesus out of me. I don't really know how she's going to see this because cooking a meal for her is too intimate of an act right now.

 

2) evangelize to her father. She's asked me a couple of times to evangelize to her father. Her mother and brother are saved, but her father isn't. He's been going to church for several years, but his pride is preventing him from salvation. My wife feels like someone from outside his family could communicate the message better to him. I am so scared that our current separation will make him disillusioned with Christianity. He had me in high regard and loved me as a son-in-law. I'm not sure how much my wife has shared with her father. She has shared with her mother and brother and they will never see me the same way again. I am thinking of calling her father up and coming to him humbly, saying how I am a prideful, self-entitled man and that has caused me to lose my wife... to beg him to not let his pride be his downfall as he has such an incredible wife and daughter. It's an intense thought. However, my wife might be furious with me "mettling" around with her family if I talk to her father. It wouldn't be in any way to try to get him on my side, but to beg him to not let his pride keep him away.

 

Tim, I really did dig deep. The first one was something that I knew was there but didn't want to admit to. The second one was something that my wife would've LOVED to see happen, wanted me to take the lead on it, but never did. Her father coming to know the Lord is probably one of her biggest dreams.

 

Thoughts anyone?

Edited by anon2000
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OK - So number one is easy.

 

First, you don't have to cook and have her come over to eat. You could cook something and send it to her. This way she would not be obligated to respond. Chances are, being that this will be a new endeavor for you, if she were there, she would feel she would have to give you kudos (whether edible or not). This would then shift the focus back to you and change it into doing something on a reward based system versus you do it out of love.

 

Trust me, you can cook. I'm the kind of guy that burns water, lights the stove and oven on fire, etc. Yet - when I really had to, I can cook quite mean meal.

 

Today - there is such a plethora of cooking advice and recipes on the internet, you can find something you know SHE likes, and make it.

 

Give it a whirl - I think you can have fun!

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Second one.

 

The greatest way we can evangelize is by being a living breathing example of a Christian. The reason why people don't believe in the Truth of Christ is because they see so called Christians walking around and living no different then secular people.

 

They see Christians struggling with sin, shame, remorse, guilt. They see Christians not walking in faith when things are going wrong in their lives. Its quite easy to be a Christian when we feel God is bestowing His blessings upon us. But in reality, God's true blessings come to us when we are standing in the face of adversity and use the strength of Christ, our faith to overcome those obstacles. As we know, God is concerned with character, not comfort.

 

The best way to evangelize to her Dad would be to let him see (by your actions) what Christ is doing in your life now. Not talking to him. Everyone in their inner core wants peace and contentment. When he sees you walk through your current challenge being the Light of Christ to his daughter. Laying your life down for her - dying to your pride, ego and lust. He will see what Christ can do in his life.

 

Trust me, he wants Christ as much as anyone.

 

 

In His service. TimothyPaul

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I'm glad you can see this. Start praying for her!! Offer something more to her than "they had it all wrong." Tell her what the truth is.

 

I must still have some wounding in me because just reading the last part: "Be more gentle and loving" made me respond with anger inside. I had a therapist tell me that directly. He kept saying that he couldn't help our marriage if my husband would not come in to the appointments. I kept asking him how I was to make that happen. He finally said: "Try being more gentle." I hung up on him and never went back.

 

I am so angry at our previous counselors who have said that. It allowed me to be snug and continue to blame my wife. No counselor has ever said to me "You as the husband need to die to your wife like Christ died to the church, it doesn't matter what your wife does. Shut up and take up your responsibility and stop getting your wife to take the first step." I really, really needed some hard rebuking and the Christian church and the Christian counselors didn't do any of it but kept enabling me to be an abusive husband by taking their 50/50 approach and not putting more responsibility on one person than the other.

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There's no point in being angry with the counselors. They weren't taught properly and they based their practice on bad information, but they were honestly trying to help you. Let it go and put your emotional energy into doing things that will help your marriage.

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There's no point in being angry with the counselors. They weren't taught properly and they based their practice on bad information, but they were honestly trying to help you. Let it go and put your emotional energy into doing things that will help your marriage.

 

Thank you for your push. Yes, that's wasted energy and bitterness that will do no good. No need for me to try to find blame on third parties when they were trying their best. My current situation is my fault, not theirs.

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Ok. Been thinking about what pursuing my wife means from her POV. I don't have much, but there are two major things that she's asked for that I haven't done (besides stopping my behavior of abuse and control).

 

1) cook. I hate cooking. She's asked me to cook for her once a week as an act of love. She has shown me incredible love through this act. She hates it too and didn't really know how to cook before we got married. But she learned. After each dish, she asks me to rate it from 1 to 5 stars. Then she logs it onto a database program on her computer so that she can track what dishes I like. I have no idea how to cook since I've never done it in my life. Cooking scares the bejesus out of me. I don't really know how she's going to see this because cooking a meal for her is too intimate of an act right now.

 

I completely agree with what Tim said but wanted to also add that I too did not cook. My wife wanted me to cook, she hated cooking. Since my separation started, I have taught myself to cook. I make dinner almost every night for my son, daughter and my mother-in-law. Yes, my motivation at first was to impress my wife, but I later discovered that cooking was something that I needed to do as a Christlike man: whether as a responsible father to my children that live with me or even as a responsible single man all alone, cooking is cheaper and more healthy than eating out. Christ calls us to be responsible with our finances and to keep our bodies healthy - no where in there does that mean only our wives can be good in the kitchen.........

 

 

2) evangelize to her father. She's asked me a couple of times to evangelize to her father. Her mother and brother are saved, but her father isn't. He's been going to church for several years, but his pride is preventing him from salvation. My wife feels like someone from outside his family could communicate the message better to him. I am so scared that our current separation will make him disillusioned with Christianity. He had me in high regard and loved me as a son-in-law. I'm not sure how much my wife has shared with her father. She has shared with her mother and brother and they will never see me the same way again. I am thinking of calling her father up and coming to him humbly, saying how I am a prideful, self-entitled man and that has caused me to lose my wife... to beg him to not let his pride be his downfall as he has such an incredible wife and daughter. It's an intense thought. However, my wife might be furious with me "mettling" around with her family if I talk to her father. It wouldn't be in any way to try to get him on my side, but to beg him to not let his pride keep him away.

 

Tim, I really did dig deep. The first one was something that I knew was there but didn't want to admit to. The second one was something that my wife would've LOVED to see happen, wanted me to take the lead on it, but never did. Her father coming to know the Lord is probably one of her biggest dreams.

 

Thoughts anyone?

 

Also, I completely agree with Tim. As you walk out what your learning here in this ministry, he will see the change in you and that will draw him towards Christ much more than your words will. My daughter came to Christ after my separation because I chose to walk this out and to become a Christlike man. For the last year I have attended Church with my mother-in-law who could not stand me prior to all this. In fact, even though her daughter and I are separated, we have a great relationship and she even lives with me and her grand kids. None of this could have happened if I did not choose to become Christlike first and foremost......

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Thank you for your words! Many ideas come to me in my emotional state and then to get feedback really helps me to decipher between the wise and unwise ideas that come. It's a far better testimony to become Christlike, die to myself, and for that to be a witness to my wife's dad instead of me just calling him up and talking with him.

 

I do have an update...

 

My wife emailed me last night and asked me to come over to pick up some gifts that we had bought for my brothers before our separation. I am going to Atlanta (currently live in Texas) this week to confess to my home church how I have abused my wife, be subject to church discipline, and to also see my family. She heard from my pastor that I was going to Atlanta and then remembered the gifts that we got for my brothers. She also asked me to get more of my stuff since she's been collecting my possessions and putting it into a tub (ouch).

 

So I went to her place earlier today. I prayed that I make every interaction that we have a positive one for her and to practice the L.O.V.E. method (embracing is out of the question right now). As I was getting my stuff, she started sharing. She said that her parents were furious with me and never wanted to see me. She said unless she divorces me, I won't change. She said she's been living in abuse and will no longer ever be in abuse. She said she feels so free right now because she can freely spend money and not be subject to me controlling her finances. I told her that's what she deserves and that I'm happy for her. She said she heard my apology three weeks ago (before I discovered J&K ministries) but knew it was fake because she heard from my pastors whom I had shared with that I was still blaming her, minimizing my actions, and not taking full responsibility (major blow to trust). She knows that I always minimize what I've done to her when I share. So I told her that I carry a list of specific sins I've committed against her and recite my sins to people I share with so that I don't minimize my actions (most of which are on the apology letter a page back). My tendency is definitely to minimize what I've done and make myself look better.

 

I told her that she was absolutely in abuse. That her parents have every right to not ever see me again. I told her that God doesn't want her in abuse and that I have definitely been abusive towards her. I told her a little about Paul Hegstrom's story and how I'm guilty of more than just emotional abuse but that I was guilty of at least half of the abuses that he lists out. So I told her that now I have place to start and understand myself. Then she answered, "your childhood wasn't that bad. And now you're playing the victim?" I told her that I absolutely was not playing the victim, but that it gives me a place to start so that I can understand my abuse and begin to change. I told her that if she accepted me back right now, she'll still be in abuse because I've only started the process and knew that it's a long journey of change.

 

Then she said to whichever girl I marry next, that my wife is going to absolutely tell her what I've done. That her 6 years of misery will not go to waste and that my next wife will be treated sweetly and not be abused in anyway. I don't really know how to respond to this. (SUGGESTIONS?) I just told her I'm not thinking about that at all right now. All I'm doing is seeing how much I've hurt her. I also shared my dream about the shattered glass and picking the worms out of my foot (post from yesterday).

 

So I tried to validate everything she was saying. I didn't offer up any grand promises of instant change but that I now take full responsibility and that now I have a place to start understanding why I'm abusive.

 

As I was walking out and as she was closing the door, I said to her, "I still love you." I didn't give her a chance to respond and left.

 

Thoughts? I would especially like advice on how to respond to her when she keeps mentioning my next wife. If I say to her that I'm only going to pursue you, it seems overly sentimental and mushy at this point.

Edited by anon2000
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ON the "next wife" issue. You can do two things.

 

At the moment, you can wink at her and smile and say, "I've already got that covered."

 

The second and less desirable response would be ... no response.

 

To say anything else would be to let her know you do not plan on pursuing her tell her that she is not worth your time and effort.

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ON the "next wife" issue. You can do two things.

 

At the moment, you can wink at her and smile and say, "I've already got that covered."

 

The second and less desirable response would be ... no response.

 

To say anything else would be to let her know you do not plan on pursuing her tell her that she is not worth your time and effort.

 

Brilliant! Thank you. That simple statement encapsulates so much meaning and hope and change without invalidating her.

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My wife had asked me to write an email to our closer friends. I had sent one two weeks ago that didn't please her because I was too minimizing in my actions. So much that she wrote a separate one herself. I wrote another one and sent it out just now to some ministry colleagues. Here's my apology letter to our ministry colleagues...

 

 

Dear colleagues,

 

I come to you with heavy news. S- and I are currently separated with a very real possibility of divorce. We have been separated for about four weeks. It’s not something that has suddenly happened because of one single event, but it’s something that has been building up for a very long time. I, through a severe sense of self-entitlement and having major control issues, have abused her. I have ignored her tremendous pain and minimized it. There were times when she was on the ground crying and begging me to stop accusing her or stop doing something that was hurting her, and I ignored it and minimized her pain. There were other times when she was crying out to me in even more unimaginable ways, but I still kept ignoring her and pretended like everything was fine, and oftentimes even blaming her for having and displaying negative feelings. I was stuck in my own self-centered world. She has tried her best to save our marriage by having us see several counselors for extended periods of time throughout the course of our marriage. But I manipulated these counselors so that my sins were minimized and shifted the blame onto her. She has tried everything she could think of but I am continuing to abuse her and God does not want any woman to live in abuse.

 

If you would like to have a better perspective and willing to invest the time, please read the book Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them. The book describes our marriage very accurately and lists out all the various forms of abuse, of which I am guilty of most. I am an abuser on many levels. It gives some very helpful information on how to support people in abusive marriages and from a Biblical perspective, advises the woman to get away. I had at first thought the book didn’t apply to me because I thought I wasn’t that bad and some of you might be trying to give me more credit. But please don’t. I am an abuser as I have repeatedly attacked her with words and accusations that were unfounded and left her in a complete mess. I have forced her to do things against her will, asked her to beg like dog, and even withheld basic needs from her. Please do not minimize my abuse of her. It is real. If after reading this email you think I’m noble for admitting this, please strip that notion out because I have deeply sinned against my wife to the point of her possibly giving up a ministry that she’s served for over 10 years, a ministry that she has cherished and loved, wanting to serve the organization for the rest of her life. She could’ve done anything in the world, but she chose this ministry because she felt called to it and loved it so much.

 

We are not sure what this means relationally or vocationally. Please pray for us as we need guidance and for God’s will be done. I need some severe help as these thoughts and attitudes are at my core level. There is no simple fix. I am an abuser that blamed my sins upon my innocent wife. It is completely my fault.

 

Sincerely,

Anon2000

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Not bad. I might follow it up with a second email asking them to talk to you, and not your wife, if they have any questions. You might also note that you are getting help through this ministry. Then they won't feel like they all have to jump in and rescue you. I'm sure they would all mean well, but if they don't understand abuse they will invariably make things worse.

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I told her yesterday when she let some of the poison out that I was going to a conference about inner healing and brokenness.

 

Today, she called me on my phone to ask about the location of a lug nut while she was getting her tires rotated. This is the first time she has called me since we separated. The only we've communicated before this was text messages and emails (outside of face to face time).

 

Then at the end of the phone call, she said in a kind and sincere voice, "I hope your conference goes well."

 

It was great to hear some goodwill from her. A starving man will eat up anything! =)

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If only you starved for her attention when you still had it - all of us guys didn't do it - sure hope we have all learned our lessons......the grass is not greener on the other side, it's just a mirage....

 

We have to learn to take what God puts in front of us each and everyday and make it a blessing unto Him.....He tells us to not worry about tomorrow, to live today to its fullest.....So live and make all your interactions each day, your wife, your kids, strangers, your job, your finances, all of it - do it into God, all else is done in vain...

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I have been messaging her and continued to do weekly gifts. Last week she said stop. I wanted to but was given ministry advice to continue because what I feel like is right is wrong. My wife replied today and said what I'm thinking is right is wrong and selfish. So confused. Please help.

 

Here's her email.

 

D-

 

I received your package in front of my door with the necklace. I don't know how to say this while being kind, but please stop doing things like that. I have asked you in the past to stop giving me things and sending notes and you are not respecting my request -- which shows me you are still disrespecting my desires and doing what "you think is right" regardless of what I have clearly asked of you. Also, you have violated the terms of our separation agreement which is that you are not allowed to come to my place of residence without my permission and an appointment. That makes me feel creeped out and unsafe.

 

Again, our previously agreed upon rules and my requests mean nothing to you. I don't know how to communicate this any more clearly. PLEASE STOP. I AM BEING VERY CLEAR. STOP IT. How can I get you to listen? I am very angry with you for ignoring my requests and I feel violated and disrespected. Nothing has changed; you have not changed. You are still totally disregarding what I have asked of you. My words mean nothing to you. I don't know if you're doing something like the Love Dare, but please don't do that. It's not working with me, whatever you're trying to do. It's only making me angrier with you and more convinced that for you it's so easy to tread all over my boundaries. I REALLY, REALLY WANT YOU TO STOP.

 

I am CCing your accountability group and my friend from my side as witnesses to ask you very clearly to PLEASE STOP making any romantic overtures or giving gifts; I also don't want any non-business texts or emails or any correspondence saying sweet nothings. The next time you do something like this I will go to your pastor and expose you to the church to get it to stop. I am asking you as clearly as I can, please respect me as a human being and stop doing the behavior I am asking you to stop.

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You gave your wife the option, as Joel told you on the men's call, and now she has made it clear what she wants. STOP the gifts and the texts immediately. This is where this gets difficult but it does not change what you have to do. You still have to pursue your wife and become a Christlike man, but now how you do that changes.

 

You will still have interactions with your wife, regarding business matters, kids, etc... You need to make sure those interactions are great. Keep it professional and keep it simple. Don't try to control, manipulate or pay her back in any way - instead - listen to her heart, her needs, her wants and her desires and do what you can do to meet those needs while staying in the boundaries she sets. I'm sure Joel would not have told you to leave a gift on her porch if that meant breaking a boundary. You could have mailed it or got it to her another way.

 

Your wife knows your pastor, you guys have mutual friends, kids, etc..... You need to now take this time and work on you. For me, what really helped me, was understanding that Christ is calling me to be a Christlike man, period, outside of just being a husband, he is calling me to be Christlike at my job, to be Christlike to my children, to be Christlike to my mother-in-law, to be Christlike to that stupid driver that just cut me off, to be Christlike to the slow clerk in the grocery store line or that rude employee at the restaurant. When I started looking at my life from that perspective, it really helped me stay focused, even without my wife there as my helpmeet.

 

Some guys think they only work to make a living for their family, but that is not true. if you were single, you would have a job to pay the bills and to have money to play. If you were single, you would have your own apartment or house and you would have to do your own laundry, wash your own dishes, cook your own meals, arrange to have the kids over and make fun activities for them, the list goes on and on. A lot of us men, in our dysfunction, treat our wives like our moms and we expect for them to take care of us. Take this time to work on you and being the best you that you can be. As you do this, she will notice the change but most importantly, you will notice the change. You will become more happy, more fulfilled and more of a blessing to others. It will not be up to you to point out these changes to S, as because if you only do this to impress her then your motivation is wrong and she will sense it. This has to be about becoming Christlike, period, end of story......

 

Understand?

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I gave her a call to apologize instead of emailing and texting so that I could try to give a positive experience for her. Thought it would be much better to try to show her a positive experience over a phone call then by email/text I apologized for not keeping to the separation agreement where it states that we are not to show up unannounced and told her it was horrible she felt unsafe and that I would do everything possible to not make her feel that way. The separation agreement was clear, and I thought maybe keeping up with the weekly gift was more important than that. It made her feel violated. I should have mailed it and not cared about which specific date it was.

 

However, I think that even if I mailed it, it wouldn't have made a difference because her biggest hurt is that I don't listen to her requests. When I first started doing the gift/text thing over a week ago, she said to stop because it's making her angry and that it's counterproductive. I was urged to go on and be a "man" and not crawl up and do nothing. I took that chance even though every bone in my body was saying "no" and now it appears that she's angrier than ever. Before all this, she was polite and kind. Now she's screaming at me and told me today not to even consider her my wife anymore. She pointed out that in correspondence with third parties, I refer to her as "my wife" instead of her name and so I'm just possessing her. That's probably true, so for people out there in my situation, call her by name and not by "my wife." She asked me to not pursue her at all and that everything I'm doing is manipulation. I validated everything she was saying, but even in the validation, she says I was being fake and manipulative. I told her that if she thinks I'm not genuine, then I'm probably not, that she is the gauge. She was so angry about me sending the gifts and messages and it's convinced her that I haven't changed.

 

Is this really better? I did so much HW the last two weeks... joining in on almost all the couples calls, all the men's calls, reading most of the threads in the men's sections, watched tons of "I Am Second Videos," etc. I was told that poison coming out of a woman is good. But with my limited perspective, I would much prefer the situation two weeks ago where it was more natural and polite and had even some kindness in it. She was regularly asking me to help her with stuff and now she doesn't want to see me or me doing anything romantic towards her, not even a simple text saying, "Have a good day." If I did that periodically two weeks ago, it would've been fine. But I've been doing it regularly for more than a week and it seems to have turned into a nightmare situation.

 

I really don't think it's the "way" I did things. Like if I sent the gift by mail instead of putting it onto her porch... the whole idea of me pursuing her totally [edit]ed her off and not she's asked to have a strictly business relationship - it wasn't like that before.

 

Thoughts? Opinions? I've only been on this journey for 1 month and so I know I can have a short term perspective on this.

 

And yes, Rebuilding Trust, the most important thing is to be Christlike. Definitely true. It's just really hard to be purely Christlike when there's an iota of wanting your wife back too.

 

Oh! I did send her the apology letter by postal mail before she sent her email to me. I told her I wanted to be transparent and to expect this letter. She said thanks and said if it appeared without her knowing, she would've been furious.

Edited by anon2000
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