Husband and Marriage being attacked

[Allison]

Satan has my husband and our marriage. Our divorce is nearing and my husband is living in sin. His heart is beyond hardened and he is headed toward a path of destruction. We have no contact other than texting to exchange our son, he won't make eye contact with me. He seems so far gone and has always felt trapped in our marriage and had one leg out. He never could communicate or put in time and effort with us. I am praying for restoration despite the affair (that we have never spoken about) and everyting else. I took my vows to heart and I know that God can change a man and restore us. I welcome any help in praying for his salvation and for our marriage to be restored. Man's Free will argument: If a man is drowning 9in Satan's Waters) and God throws him a life preserver and he refuses to take it....God will let him sink to the bottom and reach down and save him??? No parent will let their child drown. My husband needs to hit his bottom to come back up. Prayers work and I thank you for any prayers to save my husband and marriage. Thanks in advance!

[Looney_Tunes]

Man's Free will argument: If a man is drowning 9in Satan's Waters) and God throws him a life preserver and he refuses to take it....God will let him sink to the bottom and reach down and save him???

 

 

God will let him sink, and then He will reach down his hand. However, He will never force anyone to take it. The idea is that by letting him sink, he will be desperate enough to grab on. God will allow him to go as far down as it takes to make him that desperate, and He will reach out His hand again and again and again. However, if he still refuses, God will not make him do it. Salvation is a gift, not an order.

 

Having said that, as Christians we don't simply say Hey, dude, you're on your own here. We pray that God will open his eyes and he will see the truth. We pray that his heart will be softened so that he can accept the gift of salvation. But we have to understand that this is not entirely God's responsibility. Otherwise, we end up in a place where we believe that God does not answer prayer, because we prayed for years and God didn't do what we asked. Trust me, God wants your husband saved more than you do, but your husband has to be willing.

 

Unfortunately the same is true of your marriage. If your husband does not want a restoration, won't agree to work on it, and won't engage with you and/or us, there is little we in this ministry can do for him. We certainly can support you and help you get stronger, and I hope you will stick around and let us do that, but we can't make him become a Christlike husband if he is not willng.

 

Please understand that I am not telling you to give up - we will join you in prayer, and your husband can turn around at any second. I just don't feel like I can honestly promise that if we just pray hard enough, your marriage will be restored. It takes both people to restore a marriage. You can't do it if your husband won't participate.

 

Did your husband file for divorce, or did you?

[Allison]

Thanks for your prayers. I will stick around. He filed and I found out about an affair after I moved out. We have not spoken about it but he knows that I know. Regretfully, God was not part of our marriage. I was trying to bring Him in at the end but it was too late. I have been attending church weekly and have recently been saved. We both grew up as Christians and attended church briefly at the beginning of our marriage but didn't undersatnd the concept.

[IcePrincess]

I'm going to second Looney's comments.  You know the old saying .. you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.  

 

There are things we can do as wives to "lead them to water" -- but ultimately the choice is theirs. 

 

Hopefully you will get some ideas here about creating that change. But if you do everything and he still chooses otherwise, this ministry has a saying: God takes care of His girls.  

 

He will take care of you, no matter what happens. 

[JoelandKathy]

Hi Allison,

 

Everything is upside down and backwards in what is happening.  Currently, you said the situation is that: 

 

He filed and I found out about an affair after I moved out. We have not spoken about it but he knows that I know.

 

 

You won't understand this now, but the way this should have been is HIM moving out, YOU filing divorce and you talking to him about the adultery and then broadcasting it to people who know and love you both so that you could get help.

 

Women in your shoes often do the exact opposite of what they should do. Sadly, many Christians will mistakenly give you wrong advice. Perhaps your moving out, waiting for him to file and not talking about the adultery is what you were advised to do by well intentioned but mistaken folks?

 

At this point, you have a last stab, hail Mary - and that is for you to tell your attorney to turn things hard so that it is YOU pushing the divorce HARD and tell your attorney that you want to make this as painful as possible for your husband. Go for as much money as possible and in the meantime, GET BACK INTO THE HOUSE and let's get HIM out of the house.  (On getting back into the house, give a bit more information. If he is physically abusive, you may not want to go in and take a chance of getting hurt.) However - if he is not physically abusive, then GET BACK IN THERE and let's talk about how to get HIM out.

 

You are way late in the parade and you have apparently been getting advice from all the wrong places. Going the route of appeasement, letting HIM be in control of the divorce, and HIM being in control of the home and HIM calling ALL of the shots...  is only making him worse.   

 

Three things.. 1. Post back here.  2. Hop onto our group call tonight or tomorrow night and get some "in person" insights.  1-209-255-1000 and the pw is 325230#.  3. Give us a call so we can check with you on what type of Legal Counsel that you have. We have a wonderful program that helps women get good legal advice for free and discounted attorney services if needed. 386-206-3128  

[Looney_Tunes]

Joel just saved me a lot of typing. Do what he says. As long as your husband is in control of the situation, he is unlikely to turn around.

 

In addition, I'd advise you to concentrate on Kathy's 4 P's - pray, plan, play, and praise.

 

Praying is a given.

 

Planning includes getting some legal advice if you haven't already and working out how you're going to deal with the basics of life if the divorce goes through. It also includes thinking about what you're going to require of him if he does turn around and decides he wants the marriage. If you take him back too soon, I promise you will be worse off in 6 months to a year than you are right now.

 

Playing means taking care of yourself and finding some joy in your life. Do something fun - go out with the girls, spend some time on a hobby you enjoy - whatever recharges your batteries. Don't give your husband the power to make your life miserable.

 

Praise is important, but unfortunately it's often the first thing to go when life gets tough. God's word says that He inhabits the praises of His people. Praising God isn't about what's going on in your life, it's about who He is, and that never changes.

 

Along with the couples' calls, I run a call on Friday nights that's specifically geared for women whose husbands are not interested in restoring the marriage. You're more than welcome to join us. It starts at 10pm eastern.

[JoelandKathy]

Perfect post back at ya Cindy! - and I am sorry for forgetting to mention the Friday night call specifically. Duh.. the best call of the week for you Allison! Teamwork!

[Looney_Tunes]

I am sorry for forgetting to mention the Friday night call specifically.

 

 

That's OK. I'll forgive you. Just don't let it happen again.

 

(Don't mind us, Allison. Somebody has to give Joel a hard time!)

 

I meant to ask how old your son is. Is he living with you or with his dad?

[Allison]

Thanks for replies! I will definately try to make a call. Our son is 7 and living with me. We (he) had just built the house last year. It's in the country and secluded. He is a workaholic and focused on HIS money thus never spending time with us and is very selfish and secretive with money (and apparently other things). He always called it his house. My son and I moved in with my mother. We have support from her and I don't feel isolated as if I would have stayed. I could probably fight for the house but couldn't afford it. I meet again with my lawyer next Tuesday and she will try to get as much as she can for me I'm sure. He lies and hides money and shows debt. I don't think going back to the house is a good option. I am working closer to my moms house now anyway. She plans on eventually building accross the street and said we could stay in her house.

 

I met my husband and he was young and never had the party college life like I got to experience. He was angry at his parents when we met bc he had to work for everything while his brother was given everything. The anger shifted to me. I feel compassion for him bc a lot of the way he acts stems from how his parents raised him. He grew up too fast, wasn't allowed to make mistakes, unattentive father, etc. My husband didn't know how to love and I tried to communicate what I needed but it didn't work. He does seem hopeless and I do deserve better but I knew the first time I saw him that's who I'd marry.

 

He can't follow thru on anything (still one piece of trim left on house unfinished) and nothing ever good enough (he's had more trucks than me shoes). He felt trapped, became verbally abusive, always threatened divorce, called my business a hobby and felt I sucked the life (and money out of him). His work ethic is on a high level while his emotional and family level is very low. I'd never let him get a tattoo and he's gotten 3 since I left. Like he's hit midlife crisis.

 

I know this reply is all over the place, just trying to fill you in. Back to the affair, there were trust issues from 2 years into the marriage that he didn't help me work thru and I held over his head bc I didn't know how to deal. After we moved out in April I returned to get some things and noticed he spent the night out, then phone records revealed more. His mistress name was put in the counter petition by my lawyer. We have not spoken since I left and he could not communicate before, so highly unlikey we will talk about it. I am being strong when I see his those few seconds on the weekends. I'm assuming he's not making eye contact b. of guilt he may be feeling, at least I hope. It just hurts thinking our marriage was a lie and that he can turn us off like a light switch and be done. I honestly shouldn't want him back, but he has my heart. I am doing better my letting go but feel like God told me to stand. I did tell his mother about the affair but she blew it off naturally. I also thank God for letting me discover the affair. I would have never known if it weren't for that Burger King breakfast bag. I'll never eat Burger King again but would welcome back my husband in a heartbeat. I will be ok without him a d he will miss out in the long run.

I pray he's not enjoying himself, that he does feel guilt and that God doesn't make it easy on him. Is that bad?

 

I guess I need to ask for prayers for strength of my lawyer and that I get what fair since he's just wanting me to walk away and get nothing but child support.

 

Sorry for too much info or long reply. I'm new at this.

Thanks again!

[Looney_Tunes]

Don't worry about how long your reply is or how much info you're giving. We're used to all of that. The important thing is that you feel safe here and know that we will love and support you.

 

Your husband is abusive in a whole lot of ways. His background gives an explanation for some of his issues, but at some point you have to grow up and stop letting your past dictate your present. He is totally responsible for his behavior now - he doesn't get to blame his parents or anyone/anything else. Check out this thread. I think you'll find it eye opening.

 

If your husband does turn around, you can't just take him back, no matter what your heart wants you to do. It will not go well if you do. If he says at any point that he does not want to get divorced, give him Joel's number and tell him that if he wants to restore your relationship, he has to call Joel and get involved in this ministry.

 

In the meantime, tell your lawyer to nail him to the wall, take care of yourself and your son, and hang out here with us.

[Allison]

Thank you and that is exactly what I'm going to tell my lawyer. You said it a little nicer than what I have planned in my head. Lol. Our relationship is prob too far gone. I hear most people don't realize the mistake they've made until the other person moves on and it's too late. I do want him to feel a fraction of the hurt he has caused and to see his part. I honestly think he's narcissistic and read they don't show empathy or remorse. Everyone says to put my running shoes on and run as fast and far from him as I can. I look forward to being a member on the site. I already feel the love! I know God will get me through and is on my side.

[Looney_Tunes]

I honestly think he's narcissistic and read they don't show empathy or remorse.

 

 

Possibly. He certainly is extremely selfish and arrested. We deal with a lot of guys like him, and I can only think of a few in my 5+ years of working with this ministry who might possibly be true narcissists. Most of them simply don't want to go through the pain of change, but they would be capable of it if they chose to.

 

Everyone says to put my running shoes on and run as fast and far from him as I can.

 

 

Everyone is probably right.   However, we all know that there is an awesome guy hiding somewhere inside him. That's the guy you saw when you married him. Sometimes the nail-him-to-the-wall approach wakes them up enough to realize what they're doing, and then we can help them. It's certainly worth a shot.

 

Do you have J&K's books? You might want to mail them to him anonymously. He might actually read them. You never know. It certainly can't hurt anything.

[Allison]

I do not have the books. He would probably know who the anonymous was, lol. What do the books talk about? That is a thought. He deffinately didn't want to change. At the end I was telling him everything I was willing to do to work on things, he didn't once mention anything he was willing to do. He yelled out several times, "I'm not changing, I'm not changing." I said I AM changing, give me some time to change and thru me changing you will probably change. Then he would yell, that doesn't make sense, I just said I am not changing.

[Looney_Tunes]

You can order the books and read a free excerpt here. You can ask to have them sent directly to him.

 

The books are the foundation of this ministry and explain what we teach and why. The things we say will make a lot more sense after you've read them.

[Allison]

Which one should I order him? Anyway whoever mails it can put a note to him like, I nocited you recently filed thru and want you to read this book, even if the div goes thru it's salvalgable and what God wants? lol

[Looney_Tunes]

I'd order the first one, The Man of Her Dreams/The Woman of His.

 

There is no note necessary. Just tell J&K where you want it sent. One of the most common things women have to deal with is the compulsion to say something, anything, to get his attention. We tend to chase our men down and try to force them into relationship with us, because deep inside we feel that if we let him go, he won't come back. But that's backwards because God created men to be initiators. It doesn't work the other way around.

 

For a man who actually wants his marriage deep down inside, his wife's sudden refusal to come after him will knock him for a loop. That's one of the reasons we suggest the things we do . . . because people do not change until it becomes too uncomfortable to stay the same. We want to make your husband very uncomfortable - not to be mean, but to encourage him to wake up and see what he is doing.

[Allison]

I sent the book. I hope that doesn't interfere with God or get between him and his bottom that he needs to hit.

Edited August 24, 2013 by Allison

[JoelandKathy]

Book is on its way to him. The book just gives him a way to do things the easy way. We pray for him, that he will be motivated to read it!

 

Blessings!

 

Joel and Kathy