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(2nd try as board erased the first attempt)

 

I am 49 years old and married for 28 years.  My wife left me in August after finding porn in my web history.   I had anger issues and after reading much in the last 3 months find I was the problem. 

 

My problem of me is compounded with Papers served including Restraining Orders.   It is a bleak Christmas this year. 

 

I have repented of the porn and have Covenant Eyes blocking both Facebook and YouTube.  I have drawn very close to God and until 2 weeks ago felt there was hope.   My wife brought up in open court pain that was simply NOT true from 27 years ago and she had a stack to read from.  The one account was accepted by the judge who made the TRO permanent for 1 year.  :mad:

 

I am teachable, and would join the calls, except I work from 1400- 1830 each night in California. 

 

I use this username on other boards and so if needed I can accept a new username if needed. 

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Hi! Welcome to the ministry.

 

I've "seen" you on the forum quite a bit, so I'm assuming you've been reading and learning already. Other than the porn, how have you hurt your wife? You don't end up with a restraining order because of porn.

 

Start with this thread and check off all of the ways you have abused your wife.

 

Then I'd like you to read this post and all of the following posts by Heartsong. Eventually I will want you to go back and read that whole thread, but for now I want you to concentrate on what Heartsong wrote.

 

Do you work every single night? As in, 7 days a week without a day off? There are couples' calls every night except Friday. There are also 3 men's calls per week, and one of them is on Saturday morning your time. I would strongly recommend joining the men's group anyway, but it will be more important if that really is the only call you can get on. The men's group requires a monthly donation, and you would call Joel to set that up.

 

As for your username, it doesn't matter to us if you use it elsewhere. It will make it more likely that someone you know from another group would recognize you here, but if you're comfortable with that then we don't care. However, I really would like to see you use something a little more positive. We believe pretty strongly in the power of words around here. :)

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Thanks for the response LT, I have read Abuse/Power/Control and also found the Writings by Joel on Self Gratification enlighting. 

 

I will go over the 20 abuse areas (what brought me to this site), but find 3 that stand out.  I ordered AMATWWLT from Hastings tonight.

 

5. Humiliation: and 17. Intimidation;  I have not been kind to my wife in public.

 

20. Silence:   I was silent for about a week or more before my wife left. 

 

 I have tried for 5 years to advance on my debt.   I took AMEX from $52000 to $27000 and spent so much time working, I was not paying attention to anything else.  I had planned to spend Aug 17 on "honey do list" and simply spend time with her.  She left on Aug 16....

 

I did not know there was a Saturday AM call.  I work Mon - Fri and attend church Tues-Thurs and Sunday.    Preparation for bk and responses to Family Court have consumed most Saturdays. 

 

How about "My Hope Is In Him" for a username?

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How about "My Hope Is In Him" for a username?

 

 

OK. I'll go change it.

 

I was silent for about a week or more before my wife left.

 

 

Only a week? Or is this a consistent pattern of non-communication for you?

 

It's not the short term stuff that makes a woman leave her husband. It's the chronic hurt that is inflicted over years . . . years that she read books, tried to improve herself, talked, cried, prayed, and begged you to listen to her.

 

If I could ask your wife what the top 3 problems are in your marriage, what would she say?

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Only a week? Or is this a consistent pattern of non-communication for you?

 

It's not the short term stuff that makes a woman leave her husband. It's the chronic hurt that is inflicted over years . . . years that she read books, tried to improve herself, talked, cried, prayed, and begged you to listen to her.

 

If I could ask your wife what the top 3 problems are in your marriage, what would she say?

 

I did not completely shut down and say nothing.  My friend had anger issues and told me he shuts down when angry.   About 6 weeks ago, I related this mistake and he said he does not shut down, he prays when angry..... opps bad timing to find THIS out. 

 

I was a volcano in the home and vented on my wife often in anger.   That would be top problem #1.   I realize now this and the issue was deep down blaming her for my problems (time to grow up...)  Her emails were fixated on finding if I had other partners or another woman.  When there was repentance, she did not accept it and did not give me any time to prove my trust again in that I have the RO.  She is also being counseled by the wrong organization. 

 

I have been reading the Eeyore/HD thread. I so wish I could have her here to mend the fences with me.  I am wanting to still love her and not strike out in the Divorce nonsense.  It is a huge task.  I felt like I was part way up the mountain and then found myself in the valley again with a huge rock slide. 

 

Thanks for the namechange!

Edited by My Hope Is In Him
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Her emails were fixated on finding if I had other partners or another woman.  When there was repentance, she did not accept it and did not give me any time to prove my trust again in that I have the RO.  She is also being counseled by the wrong organization.

 

 

This makes it sound as if you believe your current situation is at least partially her fault. You may not believe this in your head, but it sounds like you might need to check your heart and see if you need to do any work in the forgivness department.

 

Is your wife willing to communicate with you at all?

 

I have been reading the Eeyore/HD thread.

 

 

Good. You'll learn a lot there.

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This makes it sound as if you believe your current situation is at least partially her fault. You may not believe this in your head, but it sounds like you might need to check your heart and see if you need to do any work in the forgivness department.

 

Is your wife willing to communicate with you at all?

 

 

Good. You'll learn a lot there.

 The current situation is that I have a RO with NO contact.   The contact by emails was fruitless and I was going to stop responding.  I was told that I needed to answer the last set of accusations.     So I responded and no response from her until the Sheriff was banging on my door with papers.  I am trying to forgive her for filing the papers, and felt I was forgiving for the previous 3 months of only accusations from her.   I was told by someone "perhaps she needs the divorce at this time."   It is a new set of pain and confirms what I feared that this will take more than a year to settle.   Preparing my notes for response to support opened new pain and chest pains today.   My hearing is at 9 AM tomorrow before a judge known to be not friendly to the husband.  

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Your notes for response to support will not need to be many.  A simple, "Yes," will do. 

 

Three months of "accusations" from your wife is simply a clear sign of how hurt she is from all 28 years of emotional and other, abuse.  All a woman wants is her husband's love.  Not his anger, neglect, and UN-love.

 

Don't worry about tomorrow.  God loves you, too.  He will help you find your way through the aftermath if you let Him.

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Hi MaryJane, 

 

Thanks for your response.   I have lurked long enough her to realize that I am the key to my wife's pain.  Yes, I caused this with anger, neglect and UN-Love.  I am at a loss on what to do to gain her heart back except pray for her blessing. 

 

I attempted to hire an attorney after losing with the RO and found the bill will be ..... $4500.  The attorney said he could help if I paid him $1000, then after I paid him said he cannot help me undo the RO.   I am representing myself and was advised to ask for continuance so I can properly answer with a brief.   I have a straw created and may have to present that orally tomorrow.  

 

I have lurked/studied/read enough here to see I need to draw closer to God and then to bless my wife.  I pray for her blessing and strength for tomorrow as well. I have continued to do improvements around the house (new brighter lights in kitchen for one)  with the thought she will be back, and with the intent of how pleased she will like them. 

 

One of my favorite songs is by The Collingsworth Family. "He Already Sees" -  

 

God sees the storm from the other side 
He knows the lessons learned 
And just beyond the clouds He sees clear skies 
He speaks peace to the raging storm 
When peace cannot be found 
He already sees the rainbow when we see only clouds 

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I guess I don't fully understand.  Is your wife filing for divorce or is it only the restraining order you have to work with?

 

Have you ever talked to Joel?  It might be a good idea.  Give him a call at home.

 

 

I was served with TRO, request for support and divorce all in one lump sum on 11/04.  She had been in another state, and after finding I was attending another church, she came back to CA in late Oct. Apparently she filed as soon as she could....

 

I attended hearing on TRO on 11/21 and the RO was made perm for 1 year, as I lost my request to not grant the RO.  The hearing tomorrow is regarding support, and I am not sure where the divorce is in all this.  I did file my assets/debts. 

 

What is the best way to contact Joel tomorrow?

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Home no. 1-386-206-3128

 

Normally I would say wait until Tuesday so they can rest up from a trip and a busy Sunday.  However, since you could use his advice right away, go ahead and call tomorrow.  Just try not to make it too early.  They are on eastern time.

 

God bless.

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I'm sorry. Even though you put yourself in this position, it's rough. You're probably already in your hearing as I type this, so I'm praying for the best possible outcome for all. Warning - the best possible outcome may not be what feels good to you.

 

I have lurked long enough her to realize that I am the key to my wife's pain.  Yes, I caused this with anger, neglect and UN-Love.

 

 

I know you haven't been posting long and so we don't really know you yet, but the feeling I'm getting so far is that you don't really understand your wife's pain. I believe that intellectually you get the idea that you caused this, but that's different than understanding in your heart. The statement I quoted is very generic. It's like saying I hurt her. Did you step on her toe, drop a brick on her foot, or back over her with your car? I can't tell from that statement. Until you really get what you did from her perspective, you will not move forward.

 

I would really like you to start working on an apology letter. It's something we usually recommend to men shortly after they find the ministry, and I think it would really help you. Read the thread about apology letters and then start working on yours. Post it here and we'll help you with it. Do NOT give it to your wife until we give you the OK.

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LT,  I have thought about the apology letter while reading the HD/Eeyore thread.   I cannot send the letter to my wife per the RO.

 

The judge discounted her request for support as there is not enough difference in our income.   He requested mediation for settlement of assets and continued to already scheduled hearing on 03/05/14.   Pending no other obstacles, that is the final hearing of dissolution. 

 

You are correct, I don't really understand her pain. We were happy and laughing on 08/10/13 and then on 08/16/13 she was gone.   I want to feel her pain, and yet today I am simply numb with no feeling either way.  I did not rejoice at the hearing outcome.   I am wanting to remain broken before God in this matter. 

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Praying for you My Hope Is In Him.  So sorry you and I are going through divorce, albeit mine at a slower pace than yours.  I will pray that you remain in good relationships, praying together and being transparent.  That has helped me immensely.  I communicate with at least 1-2 people a day as I go through this, seeing a counselor twice a week.  I also check in with my pastor regularly as well.  We need to be in community and not isolated.  God has the victory.  So sorry she does not see working on the marriage is worth it - it appears you do as do I.  I don't want to be divorced myself.  In your brokeness God can use you.  Be ready and obedient to all he asks of you.  Standing with you as another man going through this.  

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Good. You'll learn a lot there.

 

 

Sigh,  if ONLY I had seen this in August..

 

This was a great post by a member who apparently is not here any more dealing with anger. 

 

http://forums.godsavemymarriage.com/index.php?/topic/1000-the-donkey-the-delorean-eeyore-herdensity/page-72&do=findComment&comment=67087

 

I forgot I had ordered a Hegstrom book via the Library until today.  Maybe I need to hold on page 72 and read for the next week or so....

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I am going to repost this as it is a also applies to me.   I have some buried ANGER that became a toxic cesspool.  I am needing to deal with this as well as HD with Eeyore.  Too bad my wife is not here to help and to receive healing herself.  I pray still for her daily. 

 

 

Posted 13 January 2010 - 07:00 AM

We know you're not blaming your wife for these issues with anger... if it were her fault, we'd be talking to her about it!  :)

Did you notice in her post where she said...

Quote

I have no idea what HD is angry about


You STILL haven't told us what you're angry about... 

I just saw Eeyore's note while I was typing this, and I'm not going to just repeat "die to yourself and bless your wife"... 

You're misinterpreting what that means! Some guys on here are told that, and they interpret it as "I need to deny the fact that I'm feeling angry or resentful, and make myself stop feeling that way."

That's dying in a wrong way... and it doesn't work. You're human... you're GOING TO FEEL THINGS - AND THAT'S OKAY! 

Here's what I do... (capital letters meant for emphasis, not tone!)

Whenever I'm in a conversation with my now ex-wife and she does or says something that triggers some kind of angry emotion in me, I first RECOGNIZE that I'm starting to feel angry. Then I STOP myself from RESPONDING to whatever she said, and I ask myself some questions. 

"Why would she say that to me?" (hint: there's usually a reason)

"What have I done in the past or present that might have reminded her of a place of wounding and triggered this response?"

"Have I broken a promise regarding this?"

"How many times has she told me this before?"

Those kind of questions help me not respond to her. Women rarely say negative things for the fun of it. So, I have in the back of my mind a general rule... "I need to give my wife the benefit of the doubt. She cares about me, and my growth. I need to validate and give value to WHATEVER she says"

That helps me think through the reason she said whatever it was. Dying to yourself in a right way isn't denying the fact that you're feeling angry. Jesus was angry, yet without sin. 

We don't want you to live in denial!! 

So here's what I do... 

1. Recognize that I'm feeling angry

2. Ask myself what I'm angry about. Is it because I feel attacked, belittled, insulted, or inferior? Or is it because she's not doing what I want, my expectations aren't being met, or she's not agreeing with me?

3. If any of those reasons are true, I may need to die to the anger EMOTION because the anger is there to defend MYSELF, and counter-attack.

4. Remind myself that I don't want to attack the ones I love.

5. Ask myself if what she said was valid. If she's telling me how she FEELS, it's always valid - even if it isn't (to you)!

Here's the part where I put the anger to death

1. Either THANK her for pointing out the issue I need to work on or ASK FORGIVENESS for however I might have hurt her (BE SPECIFIC)

2. PRAY and ask God's forgiveness for any sin past or present having to do with your anger, or with the hurt caused to your wife. 

3. PRAY and ask God to put the angry emotion to death on the Cross. And ask Him to resurrect PEACE and LOVE in its place in your heart.

4. CHOOSE to reckon the anger dead... 


I know that sounds complicated, but I usually do all of that within seconds in a conversation, or if I can't in the moment, I'll do it within minutes afterward. 

There are a few cases where your wife will actually do or say something that just hurts you. In these cases, putting the resulting anger or resentment to death is EASY...

Just CHOOSE to FORGIVE her. She's forgiven you of COUNTLESS things you've done or said that hurt her. 

It's hard to resent someone when you know they've forgiven you, and you CHOOSE to forgive them. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. And you have to continue to choose it. 

Sometimes I'll have to forgive her, and then five minutes later the resentment starts to creep in, and I have to catch it and remind myself that I already CHOSE to forgive her for that, and once again, ask God's forgiveness for giving in to the temptation to hold onto the resentment, and ask Him again to put it to death in me. 

I think in your case, it would also be healthy to learn how to TALK about your anger in a right way...

Instead of lying to her and telling her you're not angry when she asks (and clearly knows you are), try this:

After she's done talking, and you've acknowledged you've heard her, its okay to say, "Honey, I need to confess to you that I'm feeling some yucky emotions right now, and I'm not sure exactly what they are. I'm still new at this whole feelings thing... could you help me figure it out?"

That's the start... 

If she's willing to (though it will be scary for her, I'm pretty sure she will be), you can process it together. 

It really helps to stay CALM, and describe when in the conversation you first started feeling the angry emotions. That will help her identify WHY you're feeling them. Once you know WHY... you can take the appropriate action - asking forgiveness for resentment if needed, or just admitting that your anger was purely self-protection, and since you don't need to defend yourself, you'll put it to death!

Does this make sense?

Let's start on the board, so Eeyore will feel safer... 

What are you angry about?

 

 

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  • 4 months later...

I am going to repost this as it is a also applies to me.   I have some buried ANGER that became a toxic cesspool.  I am needing to deal with this as well as HD with Eeyore.  Too bad my wife is not here to help and to receive healing herself.  I pray still for her daily. 

 

Where are you now?  it is important to stay engaged if you truly want to be Christlike and win your wife's heart back.  

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  • 2 months later...
  • 1 year later...

How are you doing brother?  It has been a long time since an update.  Have a blessed weekend.

 

Well, it is approaching 2 years post divorce.   Since there was a RO in place, I never could contact my EX for anything.  That was lifted 02/09/15, but I have not attempted any contact.   I did have some contact with my daughter and there was healing at Christmas time last year.   God be praised, as in February 2014, I was delivered of some hangups I had had since I was 8.  I spent the remainder of my time in California healing and decided last year to move to Las Vegas to start over.  At a point, I regained some emotions that had been completely shutoff and now I am happy and rounded.   I will work here to rebuild what is left.  Others who knew me 12 years ago say that they are surprised at the changes. 

 

Thanks for the response.  Once before I tried to respond to this board and found the links were all dead. 

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Glad that you found your way back to the forum.

 

I am not personally "up" on your situation. Would love to discuss it with you and see if it would be a time to pursue a restoration. Our last man who had an extended RO, ended up with a restoration. We guided him each step of the way. It did not actually take that long.. about 8 months.. and they are living happily ever after. 

Give us a call sometime or give some details here as to how the RO was put into place and the current status of where your wife is living etc, children and the like.

I have to say, choosing to live in Las Vegas might prove to have its own built in challenges. Lots of temptation, everywhere, obviously! 

 

If you would like to call me and get a "diagnosis" as to my thoughts about a potential restoration, my number is 386-206-3128.  I may not be able to talk when you call, but if not, we will be able to set an appointment. 

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