New here - My story of a broken marriage

[ChooseLove]

Got it MaryJane. Thanks for letting me know.

Edited January 23, 2014 by ChooseLove

[MaryJane]

[ChooseLove]

Of course MaryJane.  One of my wife's favorite Proverbs is Proverbs 12:1 -http://biblehub.com/proverbs/12-1.htm - To learn, you must love discipline; it is stupid to hate correction.

 

I have been so excited about what I have learned here it is hard not to share, but I understand I will keep it to my brothers in Christ.  It has been great to share with other men at work and in fact, with my wife's input, we just purchase 19 books to share with family and friends along with brochures.    

[ChooseLove]

Another praise report.  

 

This past Friday I was finally able to give my wife a kiss on the lips!  I am practicing my kisses now in addition to my hugs, smiles and compliments.  

 

We had a great weekend as a family, despite me getting sick.  My wife joined the couples call for the first time on Saturday and was able to share.  I am so thankful for all of those couples helping on the calls - you do great work.  Now I am focusing on getting our WEEKLY date nights set-up as well as staying on target with reading the books 10 minutes as day, watching the DVDs weekly, staying involved with the forum and calls both Men's and Couples.  Additionally we book 19 books and 100 brochures to start handing out to family and friends.  We are so excited about what God has done and continues to do.  Praise be to the Lord!

[ChooseLove]

Good feedback from my wife the last couple of days on areas I can do better. She is still having trouble believing/accepting I am really hearing her.  I respond in an affirmative tone and really seek to acknowledge her, thanking her for her observations/feedback.  I want to reassure her she is not a "bad person/guy" for sharing with me the things that bother her.  I don't want to put her in a bad or uncomfortable situation, rather allow her to share with me ways I have heart her, really listening, connecting and being present with her.

 

1. Respond/acknowledge when there is physical change/response like when I kiss her. There have been times where her body becomes more rigid and I press on - not good.  I need to be more observant and respond quickly to changes in body language. She has noted that I am not being aware of how my different physical touch affects her, primarily in a negative way.  I want to help release the oxytocin, but I also don't want to make her feel uncomfortable.  I am still working on finding a balance her.  In the past most physical touch would always lead to sex so I am changing my ways in this area.  
2. Look for an outside activity such as martial arts that will build on my sense of security/confidence.  She wants a man who is strong/aggressive in a good way.  She discussed a timeline of 6-12 months to get started with this.  I agree with her that it would help me in multiple ways - manliness, discipline, focus and the fact it is a turn on to her is not bad either! 
3. Devotions - I asked her about devotions between her and I.  I tend to be over zealous in daily application of devotions to the point of spiritual abuse in the worse case to being more disruptive to her or the family when I insist on the devotion in the midst of another family activity or during a time of struggle with the kids (e.g., time outs).  By pushing the devotion issue this morning I put her in a tough spot and should have listened more.  
4. Be quiet/still - I talk - a lot.  I find it hard to be still at time and simple just hold her hand (good physical touch without having to lead to sex).  Last night and this morning it was a good stretch to simply be laying in the same bed, looking at each other and being quiet - soaking each other in.  This is another area I continue to work on, being quiet, taking my wife in and not having to fill the moment with words - just being present, connecting with her.

Thanks for those of you who continue to follow me on this journey.  Have a blessed day!

Edited January 28, 2014 by ChooseLove

[ChooseLove]

Update as we continue to be restored.  The areas I need to continue to focus on are the daily and weekly assignments including:

1. Reading at least 10 minutes a day which I usually do
2. Complete viewing of the DVD series and then go over to a weekly hour viewing.  My wife has yet to watch any of these.  I don't want to pressure her, but I have found timing a viewing with her a bit more tricky. 
3. 20 smiles, hugs, kisses and compliments - this is becoming easier as I intentionally set-out to do all of them.  Sometimes based on the feedback from my wife I may push it, perhaps being too sexual OR not being as in tune with her. 
4. Weekly date - we are going on another date this weekend.  It is fun to think about and plan for.  I continue to look for new ideas and activities for us to enjoy together
5. Join in both the Men and Couples calls.  I find they are so useful.  I was on the Tuesday Men's call the entire time this week which I don't normally do, but it was great to participate and listen in on.

Thanks all for your continued support.  I am so thankful for the ministry and will continue to share with you all my journey.  To God be the glory!

[Looney_Tunes]

Complete viewing of the DVD series and then go over to a weekly hour viewing.  My wife has yet to watch any of these.  I don't want to pressure her, but I have found timing a viewing with her a bit more tricky.

 

 

Where and when do you usually watch them? You could say something like Honey, if you don't need me for anything I'm gonna go watch a DVD at a time when she doesn't have kids, etc. to deal with. Then hopefully she'll join you.

[ChooseLove]

Where and when do you usually watch them? You could say something like Honey, if you don't need me for anything I'm gonna go watch a DVD at a time when she doesn't have kids, etc. to deal with. Then hopefully she'll join you.

Thanks Cindy.  I normally watch them in our bedroom.  I told her I was going to rest upstairs and put them on yesterday so I got through one DVD.  I will continue to offer that up as you mentioned.  Overall we had a good weekend getting out on a date including nice Thai food restaurant and a little shopping. We were home by 7:30 PM - we are such lightweights nowadays!  We worked through some communication issues on Sunday as I was being overly needed.  I find sometimes being the initiator I can come off being too needed and finding a good balance is a little challenging.  Thankfully I can take my wife's feedback much better now and not get so dejected as I did in the past being so down in the dumps.  

 

Today my wife is getting out of the house with her Mom which is good (babysitter is lined-up) and I can't wait to be back home in her loving arms.  I do see the better I listen and respond to my wife the more enjoyable my own life becomes. 

[ChooseLove]

1. Last night I told my wife my brother-in-law he was still uncomfortable about having her come to my nephew's 3rd birthday this coming Saturday 2/22.  My sister and I discussed this last week (Wednesday 2/12) and I was hopeful the situation would change in speaking with him.  Well I had not talked with him about this and the time was fast approaching I felt I needed to disclose that to her.  Well that left her hurt obviously and brought up other wounds.  She basically did not want to have anything to do with me the rest of the night (we were already getting ready for bed at the time).  This morning I was still able to show her love with some touch, including hug and light kisses.  I am out of town for the night and will be back home tomorrow.  
2. I texted her that I was thinking of her this morning (1045) and that threw her off as I mentioned getting her and the kids lunch as there was an opening in my schedule (after 1200) before heading out of town. Her response to me was:

• I really wish you had let me know a lot sooner.  I can't possibly can't possibly answer now.  I have to deal with the kids.
• Stop emailing me, stop tagging me, stop asking me  about anything else for 24 hours!

​My response - OK honey.  You got it.

 

She is obviously on edge and I am working to take it as a man and not shut-down as I have in the past.  I have e-mailed her a couple things and did post to facebook a couple of items as well yesterday and today.  She is feeling overwhelmed and I feel like I am just adding to it. I welcome any insights to this particular set of circumstances.  I will be on the Men's call tonight to discuss for sure!

Edited February 18, 2014 by ChooseLove

[ChooseLove]

Brief update.  I finished my meeting and texted my wife back...  "sorry I have been so disruptive. Thank you for telling me what you need. Praying the rest of your day goes smoothly. Love you" '

No response yet, I just wanted to make sure I really validated her feelings and show her love.  Please pray for us both as I head out of town shortly.  Thanks all.

[Looney_Tunes]

Good job listening. Sometimes when we're already being pulled in several directions, the relationship becomes just 1 more thing we hafta do, ya know? If you're not available to actually help, then sometimes space is good.

 

The worst thing you could do, though, is to assume that since she needed space this time, she will need space EVERY time a similar situation pops up. Not true. It totally depends on the moment, so always ask.

[ChooseLove]

Good job listening. Sometimes when we're already being pulled in several directions, the relationship becomes just 1 more thing we hafta do, ya know? If you're not available to actually help, then sometimes space is good.

 

The worst thing you could do, though, is to assume that since she needed space this time, she will need space EVERY time a similar situation pops up. Not true. It totally depends on the moment, so always ask.

Thanks Cindy for the feedback.  She did text me back later in the afternoon that she was sorry for the way she responded - at that moment the kids were being really demanding with our 4 year old crying, basically my wife was at her wit's end ready to pull her hair out!  She asked me to text her when I got to my destination about 2 hours away from home which I did.  

 

Later we talked briefly so I could say goodnight to the kids which went fine.  I was on the Men's call talking with Joel when she called back to say goodnight, so I dropped off the call right away and we were able to talk for several minutes.  She was very tired, but overall the call went well with both of us saying goodnight and I love you to each other.  I can't wait to be back home tonight to see her and the kids and to hopefully bring her some relief from such a long day yesterday. I am praying her day goes more smoothly. 

 

I had just finished reading the chapter on anger in Good Husband, Great Marriage, talking about taking the hit for your wife when she is angry.  It was helpful to me as I realize how I need to listen to my wife and validate her feelings and take it as a man. In the past I would have been much more hurt by her response, but now that I better understand how to love her in a Christlike manner I can take it with my head up and love her where she is at.  It is really liberating once you are able to get to this place - I feel so much better about myself (not so defensive/prideful). For you guys reading this working to win your wife's heart back, stick with it no matter what.  You will become more Christlike and in that discover an amazing freedom we have in Him when we die to our selfish ways of being.  Thank you God for opening my eyes!

[Looney_Tunes]

That proves one of our main points . . . women generally know that they're overreacting or just responding badly, and when you provide a safe environment she will deal with it. Way to go.

[ChooseLove]

It has been awhile since my last post to this thread and I wanted to provide an update.  I continue to participate on the Men's and Couple's calls as well as do reading nearly every day.  My wife talked with me last night explaining she sees all the hard work and changes I have been making, however she was honest about not feeling deeply connected as she would like. I would say she loves me but is not in love with me if that makes sense.  Overall she has responded positively to me in the last several months. She thought the process would be quicker for both her and I, but she understands it is a process.

 

 I really tried to just listen to her last night as I still have a problem of talking too much and in her words offering up "fake empathy." I was hurt and saddened last night, but I really have been fighting against staying in a state of despair and offering that up to the Lord.  I took some time to journal and read the Bible last night which was good.  I continued this morning to pursue her, making breakfast and taking care of the kids before work.  I continue to be positive, giving hugs, kisses, compliments and smiles even when I am discouraged and my heart hurts.

 

Yesterday Kathy called her for the first time.  She asked me how she got her number and I explained I provided it as part of the ministry.  She was a little put off my that and a number of various odds and ends over the last couple weeks.  I have encouraged her to continue to share her feelsing and observations into my behavior, however she is tired of being a "Mom" in many ways or is confused/put-off by the way I do things or go through my thought process.  She is a very particular, opinionated person, of which I really do seek to be accommodating whenever and whatever I can to the best of my ability.  I don't resent her requests at all, I just get frustrated with myself when I overlook her preferences. Obviously there is still a lot of room to grow and mature on my end.  It is scary at times like these, where I start to feel overwhelmed and wonder for a moment how God will see me through this, but then I remember HIs promises and know that as I seek Him first I know my needs will be met. 

 

I recognized in myself the last week or so when I started to feel disconnected from my wife I started to focus on things, buying stuff, working on the car, as a way to redirect feelings and focus.  I know that is not right and I am refocusing myself.  While I want to share this with my wife, I also realize I have a tendency to over share and she often gets overwhelmed when I talk about myself, so here I am at the forum unloading.  My hope is by unloading here I will be in a better place to serve her, dying to self, ready to love her wherever she is at.  

 

I am ever thankful for my wife and family and continue to praise God for this ministry.  I don't know the future, but I know who holds it. 

Edited March 27, 2014 by ChooseLove

[Looney_Tunes]

My wife talked with me last night explaining she sees all the hard work and changes I have been making, however she was honest about not feeling deeply connected as she would like. I would say she loves me but is not in love with me if that makes sense.

 

 

Yes, that makes sense.

 

Tell her that it is OK to be where she's at. Most wives are 6-8 months behind their husband in the feelings department, so what she's feeling is very normal. No one expects her to force herself to feel something she doesn't feel. It takes a long time for love and trust to return when they've been crushed. It is your job to make her want to be with you. So tell her to cut herself some slack, and if she needs a little space, it is OK to tell you to get lost for a little while.

 

 While I want to share this with my wife, I also realize I have a tendency to over share and she often gets overwhelmed when I talk about myself, so here I am at the forum unloading.

 

 

There is a difference between sharing and dumping. You don't want to keep everything to yourself - that will feel like you're shutting her out and she won't feel the emotional connection she needs. But if she's getting overwhelmed, you should have stopped talking 10 minutes ago. Pay attention to her cues and learn how to recognize when she's had enough, then dump the rest of it here.

[ChooseLove]

Thanks Cindy.  I really appreciate your feedback.

 

We had an up and down weekend.  The good parts were we went on a breakfast date on Saturday and had a nice time walking around looking at antique stores.  My wife prefaced our breakfast on Saturday that she was feeling off, in part to communicating with my ex-wife as she contacted my wife on Friday.  My ex-wife and I still have a car title I need her to sign-off on, hence the reason for the contact by me.  My wife knows the situation about the car and my wife, just need to get that wrapped-up on my end.  Additionally, my wife has been pretty irritable due to lack of good sleep, headache, and PMS - not a good combination and I only seem to exacerbate the problem.  It appears she is bothered by me not giving her enough space, as I am anxious to please/serve her.  She has not been open to much touch in the last couple weeks and seems to tolerate me more lately.  I am really making an effort to stay positive, not recoil and continue to pursue her, but I feel I am not going about it the right way.  

 

If I make a mistake or she corrects he I am quick to thank her and acknowledge my mistake, however, saying sorry is one thing and if I make the mistake again then it makes it even worse.  She was bothered for example that I locked the van doors prior to closing the sliding door.  I should have paid more attention and I jumped ahead.  I hate to see her get some bothered by my mishaps.  This happened on Sunday as we were going to church.  I had made an effort all morning to help out around the house, feeding the kids, getting them washed-up, allowing her time to sleep in and have alone time and then I make a mistake like that and it seems like I am still not meeting her needs.  I know I need to dial in better to her exact, precise needs and that starts with active listening and be proactive and not reactive.

 

Another misstep on my part was getting the family out for a little 1 hour hike on Sunday night.  As we were at the van my wife, daughter and son were there I told the kids to wait with my wife as I went to pay for our parking spot.  Well my son (almost 5) started to run after me and my wife had to yell to stop him.  I turned around and he had hurt himself and my wife was comforting him.  I walked back after getting the ticket and she was stern with me that I need to walk with him and take him with me.  I agreed and did not make excuses. I need to be more observant and proactive. Overall the walk went alright as we had time together as a family.  We stopped by a drive thru and brought food home to eat together and then later watched America's funniest home videos.  

 

While I did not get to connect as much as I would have liked with my wife on Sunday and this morning I will keep pursuing her to the best of my ability.  I feel we are in a transition time as she is seeing if this all sticks and I really do change.  I will keep reading, doing my homework and sharing my progress with you all.  Have a blessed week friends.

[Looney_Tunes]

One thing to remember is that a woman's needs change day by day, and sometimes minute by minute. She might need space one day, and then the next day you are giving her that space and she wonders why you are so distant. You need to pay attention to her cues and be ready to readjust to what she needs NOW.

[ChooseLove]

One thing to remember is that a woman's needs change day by day, and sometimes minute by minute. She might need space one day, and then the next day you are giving her that space and she wonders why you are so distant. You need to pay attention to her cues and be ready to readjust to what she needs NOW.

That is a really good point Cindy.  I know I have not made those adjustments in the past. Thanks for helping me to clue in here.  Right now I am getting she needs space and I am crowding her.

[Looney_Tunes]

So back off. Just don't totally check out. Women can be a little crazy - sometimes I really do have some sympathy for you guys! We can be screaming that we hate you and never want to see you again while throwing your stuff out the second floor window, but if you just walk away I promise we'll be on the phone with our best girlfriend in an hour saying Can you believe he didn't even try to change my mind??!! If you back off too far, she'll take that as a sign that you really don't love her as much as you say you do. So you need to check in with her periodically, but if she says she's fine without you for the moment, go work on whatever it is you've been promising to do for the last 3 years.

[ChooseLove]

So back off. Just don't totally check out. Women can be a little crazy - sometimes I really do have some sympathy for you guys! We can be screaming that we hate you and never want to see you again while throwing your stuff out the second floor window, but if you just walk away I promise we'll be on the phone with our best girlfriend in an hour saying Can you believe he didn't even try to change my mind??!! If you back off too far, she'll take that as a sign that you really don't love her as much as you say you do. So you need to check in with her periodically, but if she says she's fine without you for the moment, go work on whatever it is you've been promising to do for the last 3 years.

 

Thanks Cindy.  It was good being on the call last night.  I did share with her this morning the reference to physical therapy (PT) you mentioned and that how I sometimes have trouble gauging the space she needs. That was a helpful illustration for me last night. I wanted to reassure her that I am not pulling away and that I am here for her.  Pray that the headache she has been fighting for days goes away and that she gets the peace and rest she needs. 

[ChooseLove]

More thoughts on the distance.  I do know that the guy she was having the online affair still follows her on Twitter and recently retweeted one of her posts.  I am concerned she is back in contact with him in some form, however I don't have any direct proof other other than that.  Her distance right now with me is similar to the first affair, where she basically physically keeps her distance and goes to bed early so she does not spend much time with me in the evening.  I don't know if I should even say anything to her at this point.  I know we are still in a fragile state, far from a complete recovery.  I am praying that fear and worry do not consume me and the peace of the Lord is my strength.

 

Being on the Men's call tonight was great, particularly hearing about Tony's 3+ year journey to restoration and other men speak of their own journey and process. I am and will stay the course.  I can see the changes in me and that God still is working to take away things I have held onto for years.  I realize I need to be open to wherever he leads me, no matter what the cost.

[Looney_Tunes]

No, you should not say anything to her. Just love her where she's at. If she's still in contact with this guy, it will come out eventually. She'll either break it off, or she'll end up leaving you. You can't control either circumstance.

 

Just love her, no matter what she's doing, or what you think she's doing.

[ChooseLove]

No, you should not say anything to her. Just love her where she's at. If she's still in contact with this guy, it will come out eventually. She'll either break it off, or she'll end up leaving you. You can't control either circumstance.

 

Just love her, no matter what she's doing, or what you think she's doing.

OK, that is where I was leaning Cindy.  I really appreciated your quick response.  It is hard to bear the deception and the way she pulls away from me.  You are right I can't control the circumstance because I tried in the past in the first affair and that went on and off again for over a year and when she did finally break it off she found another man to take his place months later.  I can see how her demeanor and contact changes with me at times like this and I instinctively know now when she is withdrawing from me and likely giving of herself to someone else.  I must say it is a struggle to remain positive and focused, but it is easier than 5 or 6 months ago that is for sure.  

 

Here is an excerpt from my devotion today that has helped me remain focused:

 

"Power Thoughts Devotional". 

 

You cannot make wrong feelings go away any more than you can make right ones come, but God can and will. If you will simply do what Scripture instructs you to do,you will be able to work through the process of forgiveness.:

 

1. The first thing you decide is to forgive those who have hurt you;
2. the second thing is to pray for them.
3. Another thing God tells you to do is to bless your enemies. To bless someone means to speak well of them and want good things for them. Refuse to talk unkindly about those who hurt you. Don’t keep talking about what your enemies did; it only keeps the pain stirred up in you.
4. The fourth thing you must do is wait. Don’t give up. Keep doing what is right, and wait on God to change your feelings and He will.

Power Thought: Forgiveness is a process; God gives me the strength to walk it out.

Edited April 2, 2014 by ChooseLove

[MaryJane]

Wow, that's a great devotional! I think I might copy and print it out for myself!

 

I'm glad you are determined to keep growing no matter what. God bless you.

[ChooseLove]

Wow, that's a great devotional! I think I might copy and print it out for myself!

 

I'm glad you are determined to keep growing no matter what. God bless you.

Thanks MaryJane.  I found it on YouVersion a Bible app for me phone.  It is from Joyce Meyer.