Jump to content
God Save My Marriage

Recommended Posts

This morning my wife shared with me that I talk a lot, particularly about myself, which I am aware of, however not to the extent she is.  She also shared many times I come off as "customer service"  when talking with her and not totally real with her.  I know this is a reaction on my part to not going to the self-defeating place it he past.  I use words like "thank you for sharing that" or "I appreciate your feedback" and I believe it is the words in combination with my tone of voice/facial expression.  I realize I am putting up some of a front, faking it if you will, remaining positive even when I am discouraged by my failings or initial response.  Another example of this was yesterday I called her up to check in on her, which she acknowledged was a good motive, however it just did not come off sincere/real to her.  She indicated she does not like to bring up these issues with be simply because of the way I respond.  

 

I am frustrated by this certainly :| and feel that each wrong move I make or may make will push her away farther. Perhaps that fear is getting the best of me.  I realize fear and worry is not of God so I need to offer that up to Him.  She indicated I should be more comfortable with silence, not just a few minutes or hours, but even days.  That is hard for me as an extrovert - I like people and I like to talk, but that is not what she needs from me. I know I need to be a better active listener.

 

I wish it would be more natural for us in being playful, goofy and just relaxed - I know I am having a tough time getting to that place, but it is what she desires, that I be comfortable in my own skin.  I know she got that (e.g., being playful, goofy and just relaxed) from the online affair and it would be a safe bet if she is not getting what she needs from me she will find it elsewhere :excl: , hence where fear comes back in.  I realize as Cindy said I can't change her actions, only my own.  I know this process takes time, I will continue to put in the effort.  I read some more of Ken Nair's book last night and have been on calls Monday-Wednesday this week which has helped.  I will be coming back to the forum with further updates.  :smile:

Edited by ChooseLove
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 529
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

This morning my wife shared with me that I talk a lot,

 

 

Yeah, you do. :P I know you haven't been to an intensive and had your temperament profile done, but from you're description I'm guessing that your wife might be melancholy in inclusion. Melancholies don't like to talk a lot. They like their alone time, and if they're with someone they don't feel the need to fill every moment with conversation. It seems like you (and I!) are sanguine in inclusion, which is the exact opposite. Here's the thing, though - you are called to live with her in understanding. She is not called to do the same thing for you. So it's up to YOU to find a way to meet her need for quiet. Can you be in the same room with her, but read or play a facebook game, or something that will hold your attention? Mind you, I"m not saying totally ignore her. You need to look up from your book or game every now and then and make eye contact and smile. That's probably enough interaction for her a lot of the time.

 

What do you do for work? Does your job involve a lot of people and interaction? If not, it probably should. You might consider making a change. Then you can get your need for talking and socializing out of the way at work.

 

I am frustrated by this certainly :| and feel that each wrong move I make or may make will push her away farther. Perhaps that fear is getting the best of me.

 

 

Probably.

 

If you go to drive a nail, and you're thinking Don't hit your thumb, Don't hit your thumb, Don't hit your . . . OUCH!  You hit your thumb because that's what you're focusing on. So if you're focusing on screwing up, you probably will.

 

Focus on loving her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, you do. :P I know you haven't been to an intensive and had your temperament profile done, but from you're description I'm guessing that your wife might be melancholy in inclusion. Melancholies don't like to talk a lot. They like their alone time, and if they're with someone they don't feel the need to fill every moment with conversation. It seems like you (and I!) are sanguine in inclusion, which is the exact opposite. Here's the thing, though - you are called to live with her in understanding. She is not called to do the same thing for you. So it's up to YOU to find a way to meet her need for quiet. Can you be in the same room with her, but read or play a facebook game, or something that will hold your attention? Mind you, I"m not saying totally ignore her. You need to look up from your book or game every now and then and make eye contact and smile. That's probably enough interaction for her a lot of the time.

 

What do you do for work? Does your job involve a lot of people and interaction? If not, it probably should. You might consider making a change. Then you can get your need for talking and socializing out of the way at work.

 

 

Probably.

 

If you go to drive a nail, and you're thinking Don't hit your thumb, Don't hit your thumb, Don't hit your . . . OUCH!  You hit your thumb because that's what you're focusing on. So if you're focusing on screwing up, you probably will.

 

Focus on loving her.

 

Yes called to loving understanding indeed!  Yes I can be quiet and read or just watch some TV together which we do in the evening.  In an effort to connect on my terms I talk a lot and realize I just need to be quiet, but still be around her.  I would be interested in taking the personality test.  Joel mentioned it could be taken outside of the intensive.  I just need to follow-up and get that information.  

 

As to work, I am a biologist and oversee 10 other staff directly, so I do get a lot of interaction with different folks everyday.  I think that is a good fit for me.  I like the hammer and nail analogy - so true!  Just love her indeed.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tough morning today.  My wife is distant and obviously sad.  She told me last night she was annoyed/irritated with me, particularly because of what I shared with others about the affair back in October and November last year before I found the ministry and was staying in that wounded place.  I acknowledged her sadness this morning and reassured her that I am here when she wants to talk.  I gave her a hug which she weakly responded to.  I just sent her as text as well letting her know I am thinking of her, that I love her.

 

I am glad I got on the Men's call last night and talked with Tim.  I am convinced not to bring up anything about her continuing communication with the online affair partner.  I have been more and more convinced I need to focus on serving and loving my wife where she is.  It is an effort worth pursuing to seek her heart and be let back in.  I know she is not ready to let me back in completely and her heart is still tied to the affair partner, but that I need to pursue nonetheless and not give up.

 

I read Romans 15 today and what stood out to me was that we are to bear the failing of the week and not please ourselves (verse 1) and verse 3 where it talks about Christ not coming to please himself.  For so long, most of my life, I have sought to please myself.  I have amassed a huge Star Wars collection, lots of stuff and I believe I am being called to let that go, let go of seeking out things in this world, but rather look to my hurting brothers and sisters and live to serve them by starting with my wife and family first.  Further in Romans 15:5 I was encouraged that God gives me the endurance and attitude (i.e.,mindset) that Christ has for us.  I would ask those that read this today please pray for my hurting wife, in the ways I have wounded her, pray that God can use me to bring healing and restoration, that I continue to die to self (letting stuff go) and see the world as Jesus does. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Received a text update from my wife this morning:

 

  • I feel like you are still garnering--or at least--not deflecting sympathy for yourself, and I am still badly badly wounded in the eyes of ALL.

 

My response was "I am glad you shared that with me and I trust your feelings are accurate and true.  I am so sorry you have been so wounded by my actions."

 

I am leaving work early today so I can watch the kids so she can get out with her Mom and sister tonight for dinner.  I realize for a couple of months last year I shared too much with too many people when I was hurt.  I now know better and continue to pray for her healing, accepting the many ways I abused her.  I pray that she see my efforts to be Christlike and that healing and restoration does take hold.  I understand this very much to be a long-term process but as noted in J&K's first book dying to self at first is hard, but the more you do it the easier it becomes.  Jesus has taken my burdens on already, in following Him my yolk is made light (Matthew 11:30). 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Don't pray that she will see your efforts. That's about you. Pray that you will understand how to bring her the healing she deserves.

Amen Cindy!  I am struggling with understanding that for sure.

 

Heavenly Father I come to you right now as a broken man, I pray that my wife receives the healing she deserves and needs and that you use me to bring that into her life.  She is deeply wounded by my words and actions and I pray that you lead me in the ways I need to be for her.  In the precious name of Jesus I pray this. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am having a tough time at the moment.  I know she is still in contact with the other guy and continuing the affair in one degree or another.  It is hard to face the deception while at the say time share 20 smiles, hugs, kisses and compliments.  When we she first "broke it off" with him in January we were more intimate with each other but the passing month or so she has continued to pull herself away from me.  I am know that I need to press on no matter what to become more Christlike.  I am thankful he is giving me peace through this and I am not as in much turmoil previously. It is so frustrating to see this man portray himself as a Christian when he covets another man's wife and pulls her away from her family.

 

I am sad for the state of our marriage in that I brought this upon us for years of neglect and abuse.  I pray our marriage can be saved through God changing me, however I know I have no control over her and she will do what she will. I do have hope for the future with all that said from what I continue to learn and apply here on the forums, calls and through reading. 

 

I am concerned about how much time she spends at home on her smartphone and watching TV, in particular Glen Beck and related political shows spending hours daily taking in the content.  I really am working on listening to her and providing opportunities to talk, which we have been able to do the last couple of nights before bed.  I want to bring her healing and I believe I am still learning the ways from God  through her to do that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

At just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. — Romans 5:6-8  

 

Thank you Jesus.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you joined the men's calls, yet, Choose Love?  You would find them helpful, I think.
 
Also, there is a novel based on the book of Hosea that I think gives a stunning and powerful example of just what you are experiencing right now. The book is called, Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.

"I really am working on listening to her and providing opportunities to talk, which we have been able to do the last couple of nights before bed."   This is great!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you joined the men's calls, yet, Choose Love?  You would find them helpful, I think.

 

Also, there is a novel based on the book of Hosea that I think gives a stunning and powerful example of just what you are experiencing right now. The book is called, Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.

 

"I really am working on listening to her and providing opportunities to talk, which we have been able to do the last couple of nights before bed."   This is great!

Thanks MaryJane.  Yes I am on the Men's Call and I encourage all men to participate, it along with the forums and couples calls has helped keep me focused.  I  appreciate the book recommendation as well.  I know sometimes my flesh gets the best of me and I go to spy on her and I know that is not the answer.  There is a LOT of healing that needs to take place. I pray that as I become more Christlike she will be healed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just love her where she's at. That's all you can do right now. :)

Thanks Cindy.  I am and it feels good to be in that place.  Each day God is stripping away old things and helping me to see how to be a better giver/servant.

 

Yesterday I spoke with my sister and brother-in-law as he in particular is having a tough time understanding where I am coming from in pursuing my wife the way I have.  I gave them a copy of Joel and Kathy's first book to help them better understand.  They have seen us through a lot and I pray their hearts, particularly my brother-in-law gets where I am coming from in becoming more Christlike, being there for my wife.

 

Today will be a good day as we celebrate my son's 5th birthday with a camping theme.  My wife has really gone all out and I have such appreciation for her hard work in making the day just right.  God bless you dear friends in Christ.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your wife is laying down her life for your son, which is right and natural. 

 

A husband's first job is to lay down his life for his wife.  She needs the oxytocin after laying down her life for her children so constantly.

 

If she is also laying down her life for her husband she will run out of oxytocin and burn out, one way or another.

 

This is simplistic, I know, but it's the truth!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your wife is laying down her life for your son, which is right and natural. 

 

A husband's first job is to lay down his life for his wife.  She needs the oxytocin after laying down her life for her children so constantly.

 

If she is also laying down her life for her husband she will run out of oxytocin and burn out, one way or another.

 

This is simplistic, I know, but it's the truth!

Thanks MaryJane. Yes she fell asleep quickly tonight.  I helped clean-up and watched the kids so she could rest.   :)

Edited by ChooseLove
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Greetings all.  Today we celebrate my son's 5th birthday.  It has been good to be together, even though we are not totally restored yet.  We both show love together for my son and daughter and I am very thankful for that, living in the same home.  

 

Last night when I came home my wife was bothered that I "tagged" her on a couple facebook posts, one of our weekend date and another stating "I am thankful for my wife" with a heart picture (two hands and a sunset.  I did not get defensive and let her know I don't want to do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable.  Her words are don't tag me for like a year.  I believe she feels controlled or manipulated by my posts so I will most certainly back-off.  Another area that bothered her was me taking photos of my self and sending them to her.  I know from the past she liked photos of the other guy posted to facebook of himself and likely sent to her phone (no confirmation of that).  Again I listened to her and acknowledged how she was feeling and told her I would not do that.  While my intention was good, she did not receive it that way so I need to adjust which I am fine with.  For so long I would have been put-off by that, but I see that as I work to understand her better it is easier to die to my selfish ways.  Onward and upward.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am struggling here tonight.  My wife appears to be pulling away from me more and more physically and does not share much with me where she is at. I offered to pray with her tonight in bed and just listen to her - she stated "What do you want from me?"  I told her that I wanted to be there to listen to her.  I was not looking for any specific response. She appeared bitter, distant and disengaged.  I know she was tired so I did not want to push it, just provide an opportunity to talk/share, which she obviously was not interested in.

 

I am finding it more and more difficult to give her kisses and hugs as she seemingly positions herself in a way that it is awkward even to try.  I still do my best to compliment her and be positive smiling.  It appears I am coming of insincere as I told her I appreciated her taking the kids to lunch with her Mom today and thought that was thoughtful.  She indicated it was like I was thanking the help.  Sometimes if feels like i can't do anything right.  I know I am still learning not do things to get a response from her, but rather love her in an understanding way.  I believe I am in competition with the other guy whom she can fantasize about and carry-on sharing emotionally with and not share with me.  

 

Right now it seems like it is not worth it to her to invest anything with me - emotional, physical, spiritual.  I know that God is working on my heart and I am changing.  I will continue to pursue her and pray that as I heed God's calling that brings her healing.  This is a tough night, but I will fight on and be ready when she is ready to share with me.

Edited by ChooseLove
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Father God, thank You that You are showing ChooseLove the way he is to go -- one step at a time.  Help him to relax and rest in Your Presence and Your Peace tonight I pray.  In Jesus' Name.

Thank you so much for that MaryJane.  I was able to get some rest.  This morning I took my son on a walk with our Landscape Committee (HOA) and played a bit with him and his sister. :)   We always having morning devotion when I am home with the family which I really love.  We are walking through Matthew now YouVersion app on my phone.  It is great snippets for the kids.  

 

I offered to talk/listen with her this morning and she was NOT interested.  She wanted to be left alone so I did not push it and remained positive, particularly since the kids were around as well.  I know I can come off pushy/needy so I am really working on holding back.  I know she knows that I want to be there for her and that I just have to wait on her timing.  Whether she decides to stay and make a go of it with me or move on.  I will love her anyways...always. I am thankful for my wife and grateful for our two beautiful children.  As I travel this journey becoming more Christlike the chains of my past continue to loosen.  I am not the same man I was when I started this ministry that is for sure.  My heart continues to soften for her and find ways I can bring blessings and healing.  I love my wife.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just read this devotion this morning that was helpful.

 

SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by MARSHA BURNS:  
 
You may feel like you are flying blind at the moment, unable to see where you're going.  Just wait for My direction before you take another step.  This is a new day and a new time when even what has been familiar will suddenly seem unfamiliar and strange.  This is definitely a time when you must walk by faith and not by sight, says the Lord.  Trust Me!  
 
2 Corinthians 5:7 For we walk by faith, not by sight.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Feeling discouraged.  Feeling like i'm looking at an OHM through a thick frosted glass.  It's right there, I can see it, but I can't touch it or feel it.  FD is willing to hug, willing to listen, willing to admit a mistake, willing to do whatever it is I think he needs to do.  But it feels like I am the energy source.  I'm being a helpmeet by telling him when he misses the mark.  He misses the mark frequently and when I point it out he re-aims, often misses the mark, re-aims again and sometimes keeps missing, but he's willing, gotta give him that.  It's tiring.  A quick example: Yesterday we were sitting on the back porch and he was listening to me, which is good.  We got a letter from an attorney representing someone we care about very much.  I was very hurt by the letter and I was venting, crying a little and he was listening. He had read the same letter and wasn't much affected by it, but he listened while I vented and said he understood what I was saying. This morning I re-read the letter and it didn't say what I thought it had said, and it's just a meaningless formality thing---nothing to get emotional about. It feels like FD was "listening" but he wasn't hearing or understanding what I was saying or he would have told me, "that's not what the letter is about." I want him to think.  I want him to feel. I want him to understand.  I don't want him to just be going through the motions.  It feels like he's doing the stuff, but not using his brain or his heart.  It feels like he's just  doing it to be a good boy---or is that just me?  We are on conference calls at least twice a week.  He speaks up when he can, he listens and takes notes from the moderator when he/she is helping someone else.  He's reading to me from the red book almost daily.  He's doing all the right things and i'm not feeling loved.  

Crystal, thanks sharing.  I get the sense from my wife she feels the same way you do.  I am in this full force, not just to be a good boy, but I know I will and I am being drawn closer to Christ through it.  This is helpful for me to read as I want to learn to be a better husband for me wife and bring her peace, joy, and positive energy - not drain her like I have seemed to be doing lately.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am a control freak.  I am probably a control freak by writing this right now.  According to my wife I don't listen and trust her. When she shares something with me it only appears to bite her in the a**.  She has no feelings for me at this time. She gave for so long and now my actions, my controlling actions have left her empty.  She wants no physical intimacy.  I have pushed her to respond physically (e.g., kisses) when around in public settings.  I hate this about myself.  Ever since the first affair my mental state went awry.  More than ever was I consumed with not feeling that way again, trying to control the situation.  Well I know that does not work.

 

She told me tonight she is not going anywhere - she feels trapped without any freedom.  I hate that I have put her in this place due to my selfishness.  For years she tried to agape love me and what did I do?  I became more selfish and controlling.  This needs to die and never come back.  I have hurt her so deeply - in her words - taking away everyone from her.  I have talked to so many - she wants me to stop talking. She believes that even one day I may turn the kids against her.  This is killing me to hear this, but I know I need to receive this as she is my best indicator as to my true walk with Christ.  

 

Even worse is she does not feel like she can come share in the ministry because of what I have shared for these past months.  I pray she will join a couples call again and that I will be held accountable bring her healing.  Right now it is more like we are living as roommates.  I told her I am all in and will take whatever she will share with me.  She is the woman for me.

 

Tomorrow is a huge day as well.  She has been in contact with my ex-wife (divorced in 2003) regarding a car title we never switched over and now will be travelling to meet her tomorrow with my mother and sister in law and kids to get it signed over.  My ex-wife is remarried with three young girls and will be meeting all for the first time.  

 

Right now I feel like the biggest failure as a husband and man.  Both my ex-wife and my current wife in my life are coming together and neither have I been able to bring healing to because I was so selfish.  Please fire away at me Helpers.  I truly need to be changed from the inside out.  I have thought for so long I was not too bad of a guy, and recently thought I was making good progress only to be humbled tonight by my wife - by her words and actions she is very much deeply wounded by me.  I pray that the seed of hope found in this ministry continues to take root and that I don't ever stop growing anew.

Edited by ChooseLove
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Choose Love, what causes you to think your wife feels the same way? Does she talk to you about how she feels? 

My thread is posted at http://joelandkathy.com/boards/index.php?/topic/7598-new-here-my-story-of-a-broken-marriage/.  We talked more tonight and basically it is my controlling nature according to her.  It goes back to my selfish motivation.  She has no feelings for me at this time due to years of neglect, not being cherished and put first in our marriage.  I just found the ministry in December and obviously still have a lot of growing to do based on her feelings of being controlled, trapped in our marriage.  It is a tough place to be, particularly as I want to bring healing quickly, but I realize more than ever it is not on my timetable she will be healed, yet I still need to pursue her regardless of her response to me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...