New here - My story of a broken marriage

[MaryJane]

Don't worry about the two wives meeting.  It may just bring a little healing for both of them to talk about YOU!  Hopefully they will.  (You are NOT to ask your wife if they did, of course.) 
 
It's actually a GOOD thing your wife told you how hurt she feels.  If you didn't defend yourself, if you listened with compassion and humility, if she felt safe saying these things, it's good!  She HAS to get this stuff out in the open!  She NEEDS to tell you how she feels.  And it's altogether necessary that you SEE how hurt she is because of your actions.  You can't do anything about what you don't really KNOW about!

 

Right now I feel like the biggest failure as a husband.

 

 

It's apparent that you HAVE been a failure as a husband -- you and millions more.  It's also good you see that fact.  You are on the road to changing this title!

 

Go to sleep.  Tomorrow's a new day!

[TimothyPaul]

Hey CL - - moved your post off of Crystals thread and to yours.  The guys are not allowed to post to the women unless they are a helper or moderator.

 

TP

[ChooseLove]

Hey CL - - moved your post off of Crystals thread and to yours.  The guys are not allowed to post to the women unless they are a helper or moderator.

 

TP

Sorry about that.  Thanks for the help TP.

[ChooseLove]

Don't worry about the two wives meeting.  It may just bring a little healing for both of them to talk about YOU!  Hopefully they will.  (You are NOT to ask your wife if they did, of course.) 

 

It's actually a GOOD thing your wife told you how hurt she feels.  If you didn't defend yourself, if you listened with compassion and humility, if she felt safe saying these things, it's good!  She HAS to get this stuff out in the open!  She NEEDS to tell you how she feels.  And it's altogether necessary that you SEE how hurt she is because of your actions.  You can't do anything about what you don't really KNOW about!

 

It's apparent that you HAVE been a failure as a husband -- you and millions more.  It's also good you see that fact.  You are on the road to changing this title!

 

Go to sleep.  Tomorrow's a new day!

Thanks MaryJane.  I remained positive this morning and all went as well as can be expected. I did give her a kiss and told her I loved her before I left for work - she smiled back at me.  I did not get defensive with her and validated what she said last night.  I KNOW I need to change, now I need to actual do it.  

 

I pray Lord that you do bring both of them healing. Lord let me not seek control, but rather receive your peace and accept your will for my life, whatever that may look like.  I pray for a restored marriage in that we are more joy filled then ever before.  Thank you Lord for my wife.

[MaryJane]

Yes, thank You Lord for ChooseLove's wife!  Thank You that she responded to him with a smile this morning. 

 

See? 

[ChooseLove]

Hi all

 

Yesterday was my wife's birthday.  Unfortunately I was sick all day, but nonetheless I had already purchased gifts for her (ring from me and Founder's Bible from the kids).  I was able to stay home with the kids so she could get out with her Mom for a good portion of the day. I was able to give he a good hug as a send off which she responded too. 

 

Later in the evening I came downstairs and we watched some TV and she even picked a particular show I liked to watch and brought me some mac and cheese while resting on the couch. I was able to help get the kids ready for bed and put my daughter down while she put my son to bed.  We were both ready to sleep after a long day.

 

At one point in getting the kids upstairs for bed I noticed her laughing at something on her phone.  I asked her what she was laughing about and she noted something along the lines of me having to know everything and instantly I realized I came off controlling.  This is one area I need to continue to die to.  I believe I have always been this way in our marriage, however until the affairs it did not escalate to height it was last year.  Many times when I would ask my wife something she would respond something along the lines of "Well you are just going do to what you want anyways."  Right now we are in the middle of rebuilding trust and it starts with me setting the example, living with her in and understanding way and giving equal weight to her input if not more as I work through dying to self.  I know there are times when I start to get insecure about what she is doing, well described in Erik Matlock's new book (chapter 5).  I highly recommend picking up his book for just $10 at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/423898.  It has gotten easier over time as I look for ways to bless her and bring her healing, but I see how I need to change my thinking/approach.  God is not finished with me yet and I am glad I still have the opportunity to win my wife's heart back.  

 

Good news is we have our weekly date set for Sunday and we are going to a favorite burger place. I am excited to continue to surprise her with little gifts, notes and find ways to love her in the ways she most appreciates.

[ChooseLove]

"I don't get you" says my wife to me this weekend.     We were out on our weekly date and a few items precipitated out in which I am working to gain better perspective.

1. Why do I stay in contact with so many people?  Why would I reach out to those that appear to show indifference to me/us at best?
2. Why send so many friend requests to her on a social media site? My ex-wife in the past?
3. She thought a couple times about snuggling me, but did not because she is afraid I would take that as some kind of sign to overly invade her space. She has a personal space bubble that I have continued to violate (e.g., kiss at night before bed).
4. She is unfriending others FB who don't interact or respond to her.
5. We had our date time set-up for a week, however I did not remind her when she texted me she wanted to take our daughter to lunch after church.  She was upset for a bit the rest of the day as she had "used" most of he calories already for the day.
6. Emotional changes moment by moment and day by day. 

My thoughts are listed below:

1. This is something that has always been a part of me for as long as I can remember.  I am an extrovert by nature, so I believe that plays a part of it.  Spiritual gifts of mine have been identified as administration and pastoring.  I have a heart to reach out to people, but I realize it may be more in meeting my needs then theirs.  In the particular case I mentioned sending a FB message to a couple we used to have Bible Study with in which I was reminded of their anniversary.  Come to find out my wife unfriended both of them on FB awhile ago after one of them ignored the invitation to my son's birthday part (left the FB conversation).  So as I reflect on this I believe by me reaching out to so many, seeking connection, I should be still and go to God first and see where he leads me.  
2. This one caught me a bit off guard, but I do admit I did send/click multiple requests.  I don't remember sending them to my ex-wife previously, but obviously that came up in their discussion when they met-up.  So what is the insecurity in me that caused that compulsion?  Affirmation of a loved one?  Me being controlling wanting a response?  I would say probably the latter.  More and more I am seeing my controlling behaviors and how they have harmed me and in turn my wife and family. I need to love her where she is at and let her respond in her own time and ways.
3. I need to listen and take the appropriate action.  Respond to her where she is at and not what I want from her.
4. I encouraged her in that and told her that her FB wall is her own.  It was good to validate and encourage her.
5.  I planned all the details although in the midst of being upset I had asked/verified with her 3 times different options to which she replied each time you decide! We ended up still going out and had a nice meal and saw God's Not Dead. I enjoyed holding her hand and being with just her for that time together yesterday evening.
6. I believe I remember Looney_Tunes writing about this on the forum about how women's emotions can really shift.  I acknowledged that with her and she appreciated that.  I understand it is my job to love her where she is at.  This is an area I have grown in quite a bit as in the past I would have shutdown or been deeply hurt by her response or lack there of to my actions.

Today I got up earlier for work but was able to give a hug as a send off with some tea.  Kids were all set as well as I headed off to work.  I am glad that I can leave the home and know all were safely set-up for the day. I love my family so much.

Edited April 28, 2014 by ChooseLove

[ChooseLove]

 Proverbs 26:12 People who think they are wise when they are not are worse than fools.

 

Yes that has been me and I still see at times I think more highly of myself.  

 

Last night my wife called me out as "needing" to connect while we were in the bedroom reading.  I did acknowledge that I liked connecting with her, hence being in the same room reading together and being quiet (something I am still working on), however I acknowledged that she just wanted to read and be quiet.  At one point she looked over at the clock and I mistakenly assumed she wanted to go to bed, of which I corrected myself.  I believe she was fustrated with me about not being honesty with her or myself in wanting to connect.  I did not want to push her to specifically talk with me.  I made a few observations, such as praying with the kids, to which she noted my wanting to connect with her.  While I would like to connect with her I was OK and not needy, which I confirmed with her, I left her to read for a bit while I tended to clean-up some items in the garage.

 

I gave her a kiss on the forehead goodnight as she finished her reading and I went to bed.  Unfortunately she has not been feeling well yesterday and is still on the mend today.  I so want to bring her comfort as best I can and sometimes that just means space and time, not crowding her.  I do long for deeper connection with her both spiritually (e.g., praying intently together), building on our friendship/companionship and of course physically.  Through all this I know Christ will meet my needs and I should not be anxious about anything, rather respond to HIs direction in my life - love my wife and family to the utmost! 

 

Tomorrow I have a breakfast date lined-up for a new place to check out.  It will be a great morning.  Peace be with you all.

[4evrHZdtr3]

It will help you to look a little more closely at what you have written, I think.

 

Last night my wife called me out as "needing" to connect while we were in the bedroom reading.  I did acknowledge that I liked connecting with her, hence being in the same room reading together and being quiet (something I am still working on), however I acknowledged that she just wanted to read and be quiet. .

 

 

Your choice of words.. the way you are describing this sounds defensive to me like you are not really completely accepting what your wife is saying? Since I don't really know you, I could be wrong, but it's the 'feeling' I get here... By saying "I do acknowledge that I liked connecting..." it feels like you are admitting it without really admitting it. Make sense?

 

So what exactly are you "still working on"? Because what I think will help is fully accepting your wife as your helpmeet. That means instead of grabbing on to an issue and working on it, you pay close attention to what she is saying from moment to moment.

What she said was that she saw you as "needing" to connect. Was there more to this? Had she invited you into the bedroom? Did she express her feelings? Perhaps feeling pressured by your "needing to connect" presence instead of being able to relax.

So the point is that though you have described what happened you haven't actually processed it in a way that will bring blessing or healing to your wife.

 

In this situation you should have asked your wife what she needed.. and maybe you did. Did you try to listen to her reflectively? For example: "OK, you are seeing that I am feeling "needy" and wanting to connect? Can you tell me more? How is this working against you?" 

 

And maybe at that time she just wanted to be left alone.. but you can still go back and process this with her in a way that lets her know you are looking out for her heart. 

 

Also, please read this again and ask God to show you anything you are not seeing here. I sense a LOT of FEAR of making a mistake and making her mad! If that is true, then you and God will have to deal with that fear privately so that it doesn't ooze out in your interactions with her. My ex used to have that problem and it just made me feel irritated all the time around him! just something to think about...

 

Last night my wife called me out as "needing" to connect while we were in the bedroom reading.  I did acknowledge that I liked connecting with her, hence being in the same room reading together and being quiet (something I am still working on), however I acknowledged that she just wanted to read and be quiet.  At one point she looked over at the clock and I mistakenly assumed she wanted to go to bed, of which I corrected myself.  I believe she was frustrated with me about not being honesty with her or myself in wanting to connect.  I did not want to push her to specifically talk with me.  I made a few observations, such as praying with the kids, to which she noted my wanting to connect with her.  While I would like to connect with her I was OK and not needy, which I confirmed with her, I left her to read for a bit while I tended to clean-up some items in the garage.

 

 

[ChooseLove]

Also, please read this again and ask God to show you anything you are not seeing here. I sense a LOT of FEAR of making a mistake and making her mad! If that is true, then you and God will have to deal with that fear privately so that it doesn't ooze out in your interactions with her. My ex used to have that problem and it just made me feel irritated all the time around him! just something to think about...

You are very perceptive.  I would agree with you that fear does start to creep in and I need to combat it and not give in as I did in the past.  I need to rely on God for my confidence.  In the past my moods would be greatly subjective to how my wife responded to me.  Now I know that she is reflective of what I put out and I seek to remain positive and encouraging.

 

It is helpful as you as you put it to ask questions of her - "How is this working against you?"  It sounds like my wife is similar to you in how it grates on her, me trying to not to make a mistake/being fearful.  Changing my ways and becoming a new man through this ministry has challenged me and I am still adjusting to becoming comfortable with this new found self - that is what I am working on.  Yes that is between me and God.  I have found the Men's calls helpful and really calling on my band of brothers to sharpen each other.  Again I am very thankful for your insights.

[4evrHZdtr3]

OK... One quick and less painful way to "put on the new man" is to say this out loud every day- maybe several times a day-

 

God LOVES me. I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I LIVE..yet not I, but Jesus Christ IN ME...

I PUT on my identity in Christ and I repent for and renounce any other identities (i.e. weak, scared, lonely, angry.. little boy, etc..)

I receive the Strength of Jesus Christ IN ME and His LIGHT to heal my soul.

 

Also, though it's good to see that you have had this backwards.. as in you responding to your wife.. ask yourself WHY that was. Conquering this backwards behavior can go a little faster when you "confess with your mouth" (just as in salvation) the truth of Who God says you are. When you ask for LIGHT to be shined on the dark areas of your understanding, grace will also come.

 

Matthew 4;16

Luke 1:79

John 8:12

John 12:46

[ChooseLove]

OK... One quick and less painful way to "put on the new man" is to say this out loud every day- maybe several times a day-

Awesome!  Yes, thinking about WHY is important.  I just read a passage from Super Brain The Handbook on being loving and lovable that really struck me...

 

"All retraining requires that you stop doing what doesn't work.  If you simply stop, that is a step forward,. But also add to the new pathway.  Be someone who is worth of love [i am in Christ]. A smile, a kind word, any act of bonding - these small daily things tell other people that you care.  Most of love isn't romantic.  It's an expression of a warm heart, and the one thing that every warm-hearted person does is care.  Instead of worrying if you will ever find the right one to love you be the right one.  The more you express love, the more your higher brain will automatically react in loving ways."

 

I believe why I am feeling this way is a response to the affairs, but in reality whether my wife chooses to love me or not, I have been chosen by God and he is the true light unto my path as your verses reinforced.  It is God who defines me and I believe I sometimes get caught up in believing relationships define me, in particular my wife and children. My identity is in Christ and that is where I need to abide, not leaning on my own understanding. I am grateful that I get to share God's love with the world and learn more about His deep abiding love for me.

Edited May 2, 2014 by ChooseLove

[ChooseLove]

Weekend update

 

Friday night started with a family dinner out.  My wife craved some salmon so I suggested a local fish place we headed out to.  All went pretty well with the exception of our car battery dying.  Fortunately we have AAA and got everything taken care of without too much drama.  Overall a good evening.

 

We had a nice date for breakfast and local museum on Saturday.  Later in the day I watched the kids taking them to the pool and later frozen yogurt for picking up the house including their own rooms.   My wife need to rest as she has not felt good for days based on food she ate.  

 

Sunday I took the kids to church and my wife came separately.  She went to see her Mom and sister for shopping for a few hours after church.  I was able to watch the kids again, taking them to lunch and Toys R Us for a little afternoon outing as well as play at home on Star Wars day (May the Fourth).  Again when my wife got home I wanted to have her rest as she was still not feeling 100%, so I picked-up dinner for her and also did the grocery shopping that night.

 

The big discussion that came out last evening is that I STILL was not listening to her in the area of physical touch.  I recognize that I have pushed her in an effort to initiate hugs and kisses, but I am realizing it is more to meet my need then her's.  She is not in a place to take on that much physical attention.  I have made a point of kissing or touching her too often and need to back off and do a better job of gauging at where she is at.  My pendulum swings too far one way or another as in the past I would pull away completely and don't want to do that.  It is up to ME to recognize where she is at.  I started to put it back on her last night, which made it even harder on her.  I need to pay attention to where she is at and not plow ahead.  This is an area of particular focus for me right now. She has stated if I would have listened to her when she first asked I would be in a better place and it is doing more harm then good right now.  She does not know how else to explain it to me as she has repeated her self too much.  I validated her feelings and know that this something that I will continue to work out here and on the calls.  Thanks for your input all.

Edited May 5, 2014 by ChooseLove

[MaryJane]

What part or parts of the 20/20/20/20 is your wife able to freely receive?

[ChooseLove]

What part or parts of the 20/20/20/20 is your wife able to freely receive?

HI MaryJane - smiles are the place where I started when I found the ministry and I still do that.    She is open to holding hands and some hugs and kisses, but not snuggling or crowding her space.  I also need to parse out the compliments better as well.  They are easy for me to give because I truly believe them, however she takes it as more rote response.

 

Her primary love language is quality time and gifts.  Mine is physical touch and words of affirmation so we are quite different in that way.  I believe because that is what I crave and I am not receiving it from her as much that I then push it back on her.  I need to do better a reading her and giving her the space she needs to heal and truly loving her where she is at in an understanding way.

[MaryJane]

Yes. 

 

For now, this is all for her.  Until she is healed from the emotional exhaustion of having to comfort you all these years and until your deep inner perception of the marriage relationship is greatly changed. 

 

Then things will even out, I'm quite sure!

 

Your wife is still with you.  There is lots of hope. 

[ChooseLove]

Yes. 

 

For now, this is all for her.  Until she is healed from the emotional exhaustion of having to comfort you all these years and until your deep inner perception of the marriage relationship is greatly changed. 

 

Then things will even out, I'm quite sure!

 

Your wife is still with you.  There is lots of hope. 

Thanks MaryJane.  I am indeed hopeful.  It is good to hear your feedback, particularly the EMOTIONAL EXHAUSTION I have caused.  I know that I have caused her to be a person at times she does not like/want to be (e.g., aggressive, yelling, upset, angry).  I truly have drained the fun, joy and life out of our marriage, but thankful I see that now and I continue to work to put that back in one day at a time.  I am already excited about planning our next date on Saturday afternoon/evening.  

[ChooseLove]

Read this on the forum today and it reminded me of how I do the same thing...

 

Yes. That's how it seems to me, anyway. I've always felt he takes something little - wispy things! - and blows them into something major. Most of the time, it would just evaporate into nothing with the kind of response you suggest.

 

I used to subconciously feel it was entirely my responsibility to take care of any negative feelings he had that I might have caused. I would try very hard to help him to understand, and to get him over the issue. I think I was doing all the work, while he just floated along focusing on himself and expecting me to make it all better for him - even when he was the one that caused the problem in the first place!  Now I realize that HE is responsible for those feelings. My responsibility is to 'love mercy, act justly, and walk humbly with my God'. Just because an interaction with me caused him to have negative feelings does not make me the cause of or responsible for fixing those feelings.

 

This is a key insight in that just because I have negative feelings with an interaction with my wife, it is not necessarily up to her to address those.  It starts with me first in recognizing what causes those.  I too have blown things up and caused my own wife to work on the issue that is really mine to fix.

 

It is so helpful to read about other wives experiences as it helps me to further understand how I have hurt my bride and why she is so wounded and tired from carrying me all these years.  The good news is I see the change and I am actually changing to bring her healing in this area.  For me it started with 20 smiles, changing my attitude, and making a mental decision to no longer continue with my abusive ways.

[MaryJane]

[ChooseLove]

Faith Tabernacle                                         http://ft111.com

May 8, 2014

 

SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by MARSHA BURNS:  

 

 So much has changed that you wonder where you stand, and the enemy will try to exploit this position with an identity crisis and lies.  You must find your identity in Me by drawing closer.  You are entering a new season in which I will use you and establish you in ways you have not considered.  Let Me bring your true, eternal identity to the forefront.  Find your security in your unshakable relationship with Me, says the Lord.  

 

Isaiah 41:10  Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

 

Read this today and it really blessed me.  I was trying to explain this process to my wife last night.  Each day I see a little bit more of my old self slough off while at the same time see areas that still need to be pruned and stop from re-sprouting.  I know it is in God's time that he takes me through this journey and that as I am obedient to Him I will be exactly where he needs me to be.  This is the day the Lord has made.  Let us rejoice and be glad in it!

[ChooseLove]

Another good response on the forums from Rebuilding Trust.  I see that is where I am headed more and more each day. I am in the process of being that man.

I am her life source, not the other way around. She isn't looking for a man that has all the right answers, does it all perfectly but rather looking for a CHRIST-LIKE MAN that has a right standing with God and who is not afraid to make a decision, who isn't walking around on egg shells afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing because he is IN LOVE, WALKING IN LOVE and in that state he is able to be her source of life and strength and initiate without fear because Christ is flowing out of him. When my wife (as my help-meet) points out something or suggests something different then what I initiated, I do not take it personally, I do not get defensive, it does not ruin the mood - I know that I did my job of initiating and now my wife is responding, sometimes good and sometimes not so good. - it is now my honor and duty to lay down my life for my bride and listen to her heart, meet her needs, and grow as a man......

[ChooseLove]

Tough morning today.  As part of the regular devotion I lead with the kids, currently doing Kids Can P.R.A.Y. on YouVersion Bible app, it covered  John 8, the woman caught in sin who was to be stoned but was left untouched.  There was a short video (reenactment)  we watched on my phone and then read John *:4-11. We are on the 7th day of the study.  I did not know the specific content of the devotion before we began, but it obviously bothered my wife.  She was very short with me after we finished and left the room with a "bye" before I went to work.  She did NOT want to be around me this morning. She appears to be hurt/upset based on the devotion content and it's message.  I focused on me and talked with our kids about how I have hurt others and that I did not want to do that anymore (repenting) because we have a new life in Christ.  I did not linger on the adultery side of the text as I knew that would only exacerbate the wound.  I would welcome insight from the helpers on this turn of events.

 

I have been intentionally backing off on the hugs and kisses per her instructions and staying positive with smiles and I see how that affects me in a good way as well.  Right now I sense deep anger, bitterness and resentment from her.  I know not to respond in kind and continue to bear that all in love. It is much easier to catch myself now and make a conscious choice to behave differently.   I want her to know she has a strong, safe man who will see her through anything.  It hurts to see her so distant, but my previous fears are subsiding.  I will continue to love her where she is at and show her love. Please pray for us today. Thank you dear friends in Christ.

Edited May 9, 2014 by ChooseLove

[MaryJane]

Did you give your wife a sincere apology? I think I would like to hear, "I'm so sorry, ___, I didn't realize what the reading was going to be today. I'll certainly check ahead next time. This must have hurt you. I'm sorry."

 

Another time you WILL not read a condemning passage, right?

[ChooseLove]

Did you give your wife a sincere apology? I think I would like to hear, "I'm so sorry, ___, I didn't realize what the reading was going to be today. I'll certainly check ahead next time. This must have hurt you. I'm sorry."

 

Another time you WILL not read a condemning passage, right?

Yes I did acknowledge her in an understanding way and yes I will be certain to read ahead next time.  Thank you MaryJane.

[MaryJane]