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God Save My Marriage

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Thank you for that clear and concise update, ChooseLove.

 

People talk about the 5 Love languages. I know it's nice to receive all 5 when the relationship is working. I was thinking your wife's predominant love language may be the one that does very little for you. Do know what it is?

 

I haven't read the book but am aware of some of the "languages."

 

1. Words of affirmation

2. Touch

3. Acts of service

4. Quality time

5. __?__

 

I'd like to comment on "being nice." It's certainly possible to be too nice! I speak from experience. I was the one who was too "nicey nicey" in our marriage. With the encouragement of this ministry, friends, and relatives, and a finishing touch from the Holy Spirit, I believe, I got free from that strong tendency! I believe you will too.

 

I believe that an attitude of confidence works perfectly with kindness, understanding, thoughtfulness, etc. it's something like being fair but firm. Strong, but gentle. Creator of the universe, but laying down His life for His created ones.

 

Christlikeness. A fine goal. A not impossible one, either!

 

God bless.

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Thanks MJ.  I really appreciate you taking the time to help me.  I am struggling with being too nice/overly sensitive for sure.  I started to get weepy eyed (again) in speaking with her - she done with that side of me.  I need to call upon the strength of the Lord and be filled with confidence in Him.  I really see how my nicety and oversensitivity has been a big turn off/annoying to her.  She wants a real, strong, confident man!  That is the man I aim to be.  To further that aim I have been reading more books on manliness and listening to similar podcasts.  They are a great help in learning, now I need to do more about implementing those ideas.

 

As to the 5 love languages we have both read the book and she had highlighted a lot in it so it has been good for me to reference.  I still struggle at times loving her in the way I like to be loved (i.e., physical touch and words of affirmation).  Her primary love languages are 1) Quality Time and 2) Gifts (the one you forgot.  ;-) ).  Both I have learned to better do overtime, but still work at. Right now she wants very little in the way of physical touch so I need to closely watch that boundary. I just have to take it one day at a time and remember to be present, not fretting about the past or being consumed about what the future holds, rather being content in the moment, allowing God to use me as I am.

 

For those interested you can discover your love language for free online at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/.  

Edited by ChooseLove
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  • 2 weeks later...

First a quick praise.  We had a nice time celebrating my wife's birthday yesterday and really this week.  It is fun to find ways to serve and surprise her.  

 

While I was readying another thread today a couple of items jumped out at me

 

 

He did his old self thing of interrupting me in mid-sentence, as if I wasn't even in the car, to point something out to the boys and talk about it a little. Then silence and finally a few miles down the road he asked what I was saying. Well, at that point it didn't matter anymore....and it was his question that I was answering. His response later to this was that he just pointed something out and then he got back to me.

 

Well, sitting in the car after church while waiting for the kids to come out of youth, I was able to start the conversation. It was put on hold when they came out to be continued when we went to bed. And he fell asleep while I was talking. I woke him up a time or two and finally gave up and went to sleep. He stirred enough a little later to ask if I wanted to finish talking (as in he woke me up to ask this).

 

No!

 

Why not?

 

It's too frustrating.

 

Why?

 

You keep going to sleep.

 

I'm awake now.

 

Just go to sleep.

 

So basically, instead of giving me oxytocin he made a frustrating situation even more frustrating because I tried to talk with him about it.

 

That doesn't work for me.

 

Most days are not like this. It's a good thing.

 

I'm going to attempt to be back here more. I know I need it. I need to get back into my early morning routine of getting my things done before the kids get up. We are on the calls, but I do miss being here.

 

 

I have been guilty of cutting off my wife or getting distracted when she is talking and I see how frustrating that can be.  I can be so self-absorbed it is sickening.  Really there is no excuse for this type of behavior, it comes down to dying to self and listening and observing your wife in an understanding way. The same goes when she is engaged in an activity and I burst onto the scene interrupting her without regard for what she is doing/engaged in.  Is it so important that I interrupt her at that moment or can it wait for a more opportune time?

 

As to falling asleep and or engaging in conversation when either party is sleepy or already a sleep is not a good recipe for success.  Too many times I have tried to start conversations at the wrong time (later in the evening) rather than being clear about following-up at a better time when we both can focus and put in the mental and emotional energy required.  Often times for me there may be day or days until we really have the time and space to talk about a specific topic.  When I am unable to bring up a subject right away I look at it as an opportunity to pray over it and really get at the heart of the matter, rather than talking in circles about non-core issues.  My wife has endured my inept conversation attempts over the years and the frustration has weighed heavily on her.  I now seek to take it to God first so as to better ascertain how and when I should share with my wife.

Edited by ChooseLove
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  • 2 weeks later...

We haven't watched that movie yet. Hope to sometime.

 

Thanks for sharing the song "Just Be Held". I hadn't ever heard it before. I like it. I've been there, when I wasn't sure I had enough strength left to hold on to God, yet I knew I could trust He was holding me. Beautiful song.

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SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by MARSHA BURNS:
Things have not worked out as you envisioned or expected, but you must get past discouragement and disappointment.  There is still divine purpose for your life, which does not depend on what you view as failure.  Your future will depend on your relationship with Me, says the Lord, and your willingness to be led by My Spirit.  Your responsibility is to yield and trust Me.   

Deuteronomy 1:21 Look, the LORD your God has set the land before you; go up and possess it, as the LORD God of your fathers has spoken to you; do not fear or be discouraged.
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Encouraging words are such fine instruments of healing! They work for the giver as well as the receiver. Thanks for encouraging others with the "comfort wherewith you yourself have been comforted."

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  • 2 weeks later...

We had another nice week as a family.  Memorial Day was particularly a good experience remembering those men and women who gave the ultimate sacrifice.

 

A prayer I really appreciate getting to pray for my wife each day continues...

 

I speak blessings over the life, body, soul, spirit and heart of Mourning Cloak.  Her heart is healed by the love of God and she is healthy and whole enough to pass this healing onto others.  Mourning Cloak sees herself as beautiful to God, herself and her husband.  She is balanced in her emotions and makes sound decisions, following the leading of the Holy Spirit.  She sees success as making God smile.  She makes God smile everyday.

 

 

Lord, thank you for the blessing of nearly 10 years of marriage and two wonderful children.  I do not deserve these blessings, but according to your great mercy, grace and love you have given to me abundantly.  I am so honored to be your son.  I pray a hedge of protection around our family. I love my wife and children as you have first loved me.  

 

Psalm 101 Of David. A psalm.

I will sing of your love and justice;
    to you, Lord, I will sing praise.
I will be careful to lead a blameless life—
    when will you come to me?

I will conduct the affairs of my house
    with a blameless heart.
I will not look with approval
    on anything that is vile.

I hate what faithless people do;
    I will have no part in it.
The perverse of heart shall be far from me;
    I will have nothing to do with what is evil.

Whoever slanders their neighbor in secret,
    I will put to silence;
whoever has haughty eyes and a proud heart,
    I will not tolerate.

My eyes will be on the faithful in the land,
    that they may dwell with me;
the one whose walk is blameless
    will minister to me.

No one who practices deceit
    will dwell in my house;
no one who speaks falsely
    will stand in my presence.

Every morning I will put to silence
    all the wicked in the land;
I will cut off every evildoer
    from the city of the Lord.

Edited by ChooseLove
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Thanks MJ.  Praise the Lord indeed.  Yes, overall our marriage is becoming happier on our way to an outrageously happy one.  Yes, I see evidence of healing and daily I pray that the love of Christ heals us both to be a light in the world.  I also see how the devil looks to get a foothold and we must be on guard to protect our marriage.  At the end of the day I thank God for his saving grace that redeems me and makes me a new creation.  I am so thankful each day I get to bless my wife and our kids. Today I made waffles with chocolate chips with the kids and had devotion with the family.  Thank you Lord!

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You are most welcome MJ.  I am grateful God can use me to encourage other men.  The verse from Hebrews today (see below) was another good reminder of how important it is to live a disciplined life.  In doing so, dying to self and learning to live sacrificially is key to drawing nearer to God.  It is painful (pruning if you will) to go what I and many men of this ministry have, but I am seeing the fruits of that each day.  Physically I see it as well since going to the gym last October.  I feel better about myself as I exercise my body in conjunction with my spiritual and emotional life.  God is amazing how He works and designed us to be.

 

 

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This is a great Scripture. I use it in different ways.. when I try to remember to "bridle my tongue" or not live by my feelings. I wonder?  Why do you think that many- if not most men today- "grow up" physically  without growing up mentally, spiritually, socially etc.... There seems to be no fatherly discipline from my observations. What, in your opinion, could change this?

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This is a great Scripture. I use it in different ways.. when I try to remember to "bridle my tongue" or not live by my feelings. I wonder?  Why do you think that many- if not most men today- "grow up" physically  without growing up mentally, spiritually, socially etc.... There seems to be no fatherly discipline from my observations. What, in your opinion, could change this?

Thanks 4evr.  I think in part is we have lost the art of mentorship.  Also, as much good feminism has had in bringing about equality, it has also at times demonized or minimized the role of men.  Men and women are different and unique.  We need to embrace those differences.  Equality does not equal sameness. There is a movement out in the world that seeks to make sex irrelevant and that we be a unisex society.  

 

I realize growing up with my Mom as the main role model I picked-up more feminine traits becoming more passive.  I have been doing a lot of reading on the subject actually rediscovering manhood.  Look how many children are raised by their mother as the primary caretaker now.  Men don't know what it means to live like Christ.  We need iron to sharpen iron and are not designed to go it alone. Here are some books I have been reading on the subject...

 

Additionally I have been reading a lot of related blogs and podcasts, while not always expressly Christian, I see what they driving at.  Some include the Art of Manliness and Art of Charm. As well as good leadership resources like EntreLeadership by Dave Ramsey.

 

For me these are all parts of what has helped me to become a better man, looking to Jesus and humbling myself.  I know this is a lifelong journey of discovery, but when you can get to the core of embracing the love of Christ and realize that everything else pails to that relationship you can then start to really live in a more Christlike manner.  It is not easy, but it sure is more satisfying then the way I was living before so dependant on others for approval and affirmation. 

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Thank you Lord for a wonderful weekend with my beautiful bride and children!

 

I speak blessings over the life, body, soul, spirit and heart of Mourning Cloak.  Her heart is healed by the love of God and she is healthy and whole enough to pass this healing onto others.  Mourning Cloak sees herself as beautiful to God, herself and her husband.  She is balanced in her emotions and makes sound decisions, following the leading of the Holy Spirit.  She sees success as making God smile.  She makes God smile everyday.

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SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by MARSHA BURNS:
Make sure that your faith is not misplaced, and that you trust Me alone and not people or circumstances.  I answer the prayer of faith according to My will, says the Lord.   Circumstances will change.  People will disappoint you.  But, I am the same forever, and My Word is truth and trustworthy.  
 
James 4:3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures.
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