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Rough night last night.  I really was battling my mind.  I have to face the reality that my wife is so deeply wounded by me that she staunchly has made clear she wants no hugs, kisses or physical touch from me unless she is comfortable and makes clear/initiates.  She is done explaining that to me.  She has no feelings for me.  It appears to be she is awaiting her actions to follow her feelings.  She does not see the marriage as a "we" or partnership, she sees us as individuals, that I am her adversary/enemy at times.  I did my best to remain calm and collected, however it is so difficult to be rejected time and time again.  I am so tired today as I hardly slept at all, but I did make an effort to pray for others and look beyond my wants and desires.  For me things started to turn around mentally when I began to praise God and look for opportunities to serve him. Please pray for discernment and that I wisely choose the words I use to bless my wife.  Thank you.

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Aaaack! Difficult.

 

Are you talking about this on the men's calls?

 

How did you win your wife in the first place?

 

I'm going to have to go back to your first page and brush up on your story.

 

Good thing you have God for a friend.

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Thanks MJ for your reply.  The past weekend was a bit of a respite for me and us.  I started to be more outwardly focused, looking to the needs of others and that helped me pull out of the tailspin I was in.  I praise God I was able to connect with another Christian man for lunch (~68 years old)  and a former roommate who is dealing with loss of his relationship to his fiancee.

 

I realize I just have to back-off and be self-controlled not crossing Mourning Cloak's defined boundaries which very much includes physical space.  I am very much aware of the power of physical touch and regular intimacy in drawing a couple closer and the longer that there is distance the harder it can be to bridge that gap.  I pray often and look to bless my wife where I can.  We did have a great Bible study group session on Sacred Parenting, by Gary Thomas.  Finally I was able to share this image below with her this morning through FB and she was able to smile back which I am very grateful for.  I so love my wife.

 

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August 19, 2015  

 

 

SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by MARSHA BURNS:

Your attention has been divided, and you feel scattered and pulled in several directions.  Refuse to allow your activities to cause you to be unfocused.  Your ultimate and divine priority is to stay connected spiritually to Me.  To do so will require dedication and supreme effort, but you are up to the task.  You just needed a little reminder, says the Lord.  James 4:8  Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

 

 

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I speak blessings over the life, body, soul, spirit and heart of Mourning Cloak.  Her heart is healed by the love of God and she is healthy and whole enough to pass this healing onto others.  Mourning Cloak sees herself as beautiful to God, herself and her husband.  She is balanced in her emotions and makes sound decisions, following the leading of the Holy Spirit.  She sees success as making God smile.  She makes God smile everyday.

 

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SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by MARSHA BURNS:

This is a time when small corrections will reap big benefits.  Don't overlook anything that grabs your attention even for a moment, for I will show you the power of paying attention to details.  And, I will cause the insignificant to become significant, says the Lord.  Sharpen your focus to see the tiny things, and magnify your ability to hear My still, small voice.  Proverbs 4:1 Hear, my children, the instruction of a father, and give attention to know understanding.

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I love these prophetic words by Bill and Marsha Burns. They always hit the mark in my life! I have just today been amazed at the many little things that Holy Spirit has been revealing to me and teaching me in these last few days. All good. When we receive the corrections as they come and respond appropriately, life just gets better and better!

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Thanks 4evr.  It seems the last few months God has shown me glimpses of a what a restored marriage will look like, however it has been a struggle for me to remained focused.  Managing my expectations and boundaries are a real issue.  I am wrestling with continued secrecy, spiritual, emotional and physical withholding from Mourning Glory.  I really thought we would be farther along the healing process to an OHM by now.  Obviously there still needs growth and healing to occur.  She does not feel safe being completely vulnerable with me including prayer together.  I know I long to hear her say "I love you", "Your important to me", "I am glad you are in my life."  I desire to connect deeply with her emotions and rekindling our physical connection.  I know this is focused on what I want and I continue to strive to meet her where she is at.

 

Just today I wounded my wife in my response to a question, which caused her to feel belittled/insignificant.  I am really trying to decipher what it is about my response/behavior that is triggering that reaction.  

 

A couple of quotes stood out to me this week shared by Dr. Henry Cloud...

  • Many relationship problems come from 1 of these 2 errors: being loving without truth and limits, or being truthful without being loving.
  • What you allow is what will contine
 
 
Please pray for me as I work to rebuild trust, speaking truth in love, holding each accountable to the Word of God - http://www.openbible.info/topics/holding_each_other_accountable.  
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Thanks for your prayers friends. Quick praise report. We had a good evening and morning.  I was able to make chocolate chip waffles for the family this morning.  My wife did a great job redoing our front entry with two new art pieces we exchanged as gifts for our anniversary and just put together an accent table and repainted the entry way.  We have a hke planned with another couple from church on Saturday and will host our couples Bible study on Sunday afternoon.  I am thankful for my wife and family.  Thank you Lord for giving me the opportunity to love them each and everyday.

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ChooseLove,

More than 50% of the time I can't seem to access the forum.. so here i will try to leave a couple of brief comments...

 

In post 335 you are describing the everyday loving and serving that must occur before a woman trusts her heart, her body, her sexuality.. in short her vulnerability to you. Because she has been hurt before, she may be taking along time and wanting you to really prove yourself.

 

I think you should really meditate prayerfully on those quotes by Dr. Cloud. I believe there is much there for you to decipher. Invite the Holy Spirit to teach you what is in God's mind for you with those two quotes.

 

And finally, we do get triggered from others' words or actions toward us- but we are being triggered by our own wounds... if that makes sense.. what i am trying to say is that something you do, say or omit might be the trigger, but it may not be the real problem. keep praying for light, truth and self-awareness for both of you so that the things which are covered or unknown will be revealed and healed.

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Thank you 4evr and MJ for your prayers and support.  The weekend was the best one we have had in sometime.  I am starting to see some of the healing, thanks be to God.  I know that is due in part to the prayers over our marriage and as I humble myself before God and really seek understanding.  There are no shortcuts that is for sure.

 

I speak blessings over the life, body, soul, spirit and heart of Mourning Cloak.  Her heart is healed by the love of God and she is healthy and whole enough to pass this healing onto others.  Mourning Cloak sees herself as beautiful to God, herself and her husband.  She is balanced in her emotions and makes sound decisions, following the leading of the Holy Spirit.  She sees success as making God smile.  She makes God smile everyday.

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We learn some very worthwhile lessons while we're at it.  :) ​ ​​

Yes for sure!  Today we celebrate our first date - September 1, 2003 (12 years ago).  I got my wife a card, little memory box and charm - fun stuff.  She really enjoyed them all and I really have seen her warm up recently.  I am so thankful I get to bless and love her up.   :razz:

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Quick praise report.  Had a great weekend with the family over the holiday.  I see continued warmth in my wife and so ever thankful for the love we share with the family.  I see that God is working and that He is calling me out to continue to step-up and serve HIm in ways I have never fully imagined.  It is an exciting time in that I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that God is for me and wants the best for my wife, family and to further His Kingdom.  May the glory and honor be His in all I do.  Thank you Jesus.  I love my wife so very much.

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Thanks for the continued prayers and support.  Had a great date out this past weekend watching War Room (trailer below) and having a nice lunch out.  On Sunday there was a spiritual attack going on and I see how very important it is that even "little ticks" on my part can hurt my wife.  I need to constantly be on guard. Fortunately we were able to end the day on a good note.  Thank you God for my wife and family.  I love them so very much.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIl-XY9t_Lw

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  • 2 weeks later...
September 22, 2015  

 

SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by MARSHA BURNS:
Do you feel the shift?  Changes are taking place.  It is a time when you will be able to bring many issues to resolution after feeling stuck.  Problems will be solved supernaturally where natural solutions failed.  Keep your head up, your ears attentive, and your eyes open as you set a watch for opportunities, says the Lord.  Mark 13:33 "Take heed, watch and pray; for you do not know when the time is.
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I just happened to read a devotion entitled, The Update of Setbacks at http://odb.org/2015/09/24/the-upside-of-setbacks/.  It was a helpful reminder of the journey I am on.  

 

I speak blessings over the life, body, soul, spirit and heart of Mourning Cloak.  Her heart is healed by the love of God and she is healthy and whole enough to pass this healing onto others.  Mourning Cloak sees herself as beautiful to God, herself and her husband.  She is balanced in her emotions and makes sound decisions, following the leading of the Holy Spirit.  She sees success as making God smile.  She makes God smile everyday.

Edited by ChooseLove
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All, an area I continue to struggle with is in the area withholding.  I recently read an article entitled the Psychological Manipulation: Withholding. I ask for prayers and insight here as I seek to understand my role in this, what do I do that causes her to withhold (affection, honest and open communication) and what are her own personal issues.  I regularly have to stop my mind from going into the crazy cycle, in part with tools I have learned from Dr. Caroline Lead on the 21 day brain detox and of course this ministry.  Suffice to say I am human and I have a deep desire for affection, honest and open communication.  I do my best to model them and can always do better.  I pray that we do get to that place of mutual affection and open/honest communication without withholding from each other.  I know in the past I withheld from her for years (e.g., pornography).  I am writing to be honest about my journey and not let these things consume me, rather transform me into the man God needs me to be.  Thanks for hearing me out.  I love my wife and thankful for each day I have with her and our family.

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